Female Script Intros

February 10, 2016 9:33 AM

"JANE (late 20s) sits hunched over a microscope. She’s attractive, but too much of a professional to care about her appearance." Hollywood producer retweets actual intros for female characters in actual proposed scripts.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (122 comments total)

Oh my god. Follow. (Wonder how the men are introduced.)
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 9:38 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Welp, I guess it's like seeing the incubation farm for #OscarsStillSoWhite.
posted by Kitteh at 9:41 AM on February 10, 2016 [8 favorites]

Setting aside the gender issues, I am stunned by the terrible quality of script writing that makes it to the producer level. These are staggeringly awful.
posted by Think_Long at 9:44 AM on February 10, 2016 [13 favorites]

My wife used to (and still does to a limited extent) read scripts for studios and funding organizations, and this sort of thing probably occurs in more scripts than not. The worst of them went into an uncomfortable amount of detail regarding female characters' looks and she once made a joke about how you could practically hear the screenwriter's heavy breathing as you read them.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:46 AM on February 10, 2016 [11 favorites]

Yeah I thought you where supposed to give as little visual description as possible cause casting it is not your job? Like one line summations of *character* and that's it.
posted by The Whelk at 9:48 AM on February 10, 2016

"Behind a steamy shower door is the indistinguishable but sexy silhouette of JANE showering."

"indistinguishable, but sexy" is a good stealth insult
posted by loquacious crouton at 9:48 AM on February 10, 2016 [37 favorites]

A good illustration of how screenwriters are often trying to pander to the people whose job it is to read scripts. (Shane Black is good at this.)

If the character is meant to be attractive: well, first off, it's a movie, so that usually goes without saying, but I'll allow it. A description of body type is perhaps relevant if it's a physical role. Past that, any further physical description is either (a) an uncomfortable glimpse into the screenwriter's turn-ons, or (b) a ham-fisted attempt to arouse a script reader.
posted by savetheclocktower at 9:48 AM on February 10, 2016 [8 favorites]

> And have curves--but only in all the right places!

The camera lands on JANE, mid-20s, with red hair and curves in exactly the wrong places. Like, mid-calf, abrupt and goiter-like. Also she's a hunchback.
posted by savetheclocktower at 9:51 AM on February 10, 2016 [123 favorites]

Yeah I thought you where supposed to give as little visual description as possible cause casting it is not your job?

If you don't tell the casting agent that the actress is supposed to be sexy, you're gonna end up with one of those uggo actresses like Renee Zellweger or Charlize Theron.
posted by Etrigan at 9:57 AM on February 10, 2016 [17 favorites]

The one calling Jane "late 20s, whip smart, elegant, and ambitious" seems innocuous and a bit of a relief after the others. Is there something wrong with it that I'm not catching?
posted by graymouser at 10:03 AM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

"She was beautiful but didn't know it. Only I knew it, because I am A Very Special ManBoy." ManBoy...coming soon (but not too soon, he swears)


Sorry, couldn't help myself.
posted by discopolo at 10:04 AM on February 10, 2016 [18 favorites]

I get the feeling that many screenwriters have never actually met a woman.
posted by LindsayIrene at 10:04 AM on February 10, 2016 [10 favorites]

I get the feeling that many screenwriters have never actually met a woman.

I think they have; they just don't like any of them.
posted by gladly at 10:05 AM on February 10, 2016 [28 favorites]

JANE (unknowable) is impossible to describe, her curves at once concave and convex, lines and geometries unfixed and buzzing like a sea of monsterous beetles, she is a color that doesn't exist, a shape no one has seen. Sexy.
posted by The Whelk at 10:09 AM on February 10, 2016 [120 favorites]

Enter JANE, 19. She is nubile; deadly.
posted by duffell at 10:09 AM on February 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

I get the feeling that many screenwriters have never actually met a woman.

JANE, 24, statuesque, classically beautiful, gorgeous hair trailing in the wind, one horseshoe missing, leaps powerfully over a hedge and dislodges her rider JILL, 22, a horse
posted by clockzero at 10:11 AM on February 10, 2016 [63 favorites]

Enter JANE, a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. Sexy without trying to be.
posted by graymouser at 10:12 AM on February 10, 2016 [27 favorites]

with red hair and curves in exactly the wrong places.

What exactly are the wrong places to have red hair?
posted by GhostintheMachine at 10:14 AM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

JANE, 20, naked without her wig, is done with Sergio.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:15 AM on February 10, 2016 [45 favorites]

What exactly are the wrong places to have red hair?

Eyeballs. Tongue.

(Edit to add quote for clarity)
posted by sukeban at 10:15 AM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

On a teratoma growing out of the side of your face?
posted by Elementary Penguin at 10:16 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Camera pans over the crowd and we see JANE. She's buxom yet lithe, sexy but whip-smart. Camera continues to pan away from her. JANE is not part of the story, I just thought you'd like to hear about her.
posted by Laura Palmer's Cold Dead Kiss at 10:16 AM on February 10, 2016 [90 favorites]

The one calling Jane "late 20s, whip smart, elegant, and ambitious" seems innocuous and a bit of a relief after the others. Is there something wrong with it that I'm not catching?

It looks like he might just be posting all the female introductions he reads. I hope I'm wrong about that one though, if the general quality is this bad even before he picks out the worst ones then, yikes.
posted by eykal at 10:16 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

this could be one of those 'tag yourself' memes on tumblr

i'm jane
posted by suddenly, and without warning, at 10:16 AM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

-The man in the hat steps into the light, and we get our first clear look at HENRY 'INDIANA' JONES (late thirties)--six rugged feet of wisecracking, whiplashing, all-American sizzle.

-The camera pulls back so we can properly ogle RICK BLAINE, a fit dark-haired looker done up right in a white dinner jacket. Rick's as handsome as the desert day is long, but he guards a secret sorrow in his brown eyes. Will he ever smile again?
posted by Iridic at 10:16 AM on February 10, 2016 [28 favorites]

We pan to a beautiful woman: platinum blonde with a huge rack. She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:19 AM on February 10, 2016 [19 favorites]

Like one line summations of *character* and that's it

Wait, you mean "pretty", "attractive", and "sexy" aren't the essential elements of a woman's character?
posted by sotonohito at 10:24 AM on February 10, 2016 [9 favorites]

That last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the centre of all infinity—the boundless daemon-sultan JANE, 23, is a little tipsy, dancing naked on her big bed, as adorable as she is sexy.
posted by Foosnark at 10:28 AM on February 10, 2016 [8 favorites]

OK, I think these guys need some positive examples. After all, we learn by internalizing what we see and hear in the world. How about we try to write some really provocative opening descriptions of actually interesting women?

_I_ could use some positive examples.

I'm sure this will be terrible (I'm not really a writer), but:

Jane, over 20 but younger than 80, stands, facing away from the camera, staring, rigid, surprised, and angry, at a small print she has just discovered on entering a small restaurant. She is alone and hungry.

posted by amtho at 10:31 AM on February 10, 2016 [7 favorites]

I am JANE'S stiletto-heeled fuck-me shoes.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:31 AM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

Update from my wife: "Yep. Pretty much every script I've ever read always indicates how attractive the female characters are. It's surprising when they don't!"
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:33 AM on February 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

JANE, 2, 2, and 2, is three ducks sexily poured into a pencil skirt.

Jeez, old ducky maids
posted by clockzero at 10:34 AM on February 10, 2016

JANE, early 20s, is a human-sized anthropomorphic rabbit in a wig, stuffed sweater, and pencil skirt.
posted by ckape at 10:35 AM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

BUGS BUNNY disappears behind a bush. Seconds later, JANE appears from behind the same bush. She is obviously just BUGS BUNNY performing an over-the-top pantomime of human sexuality.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:37 AM on February 10, 2016 [31 favorites]

"JANE stood there in the doorway. Everything was in the right place, except for her arms, which were where her legs were supposed to go. One leg sprouted from the middle of her forehead, and her face was on sideways. A vision of female perfection."
posted by blue_beetle at 10:39 AM on February 10, 2016 [7 favorites]

JANE, an ambulatory Rorshach blot, was a vision of pure sexuality. Or possibly a butterfly.
posted by ckape at 10:44 AM on February 10, 2016 [16 favorites]

JANE (20) licks her eyes, tongue like a gecko, while perched above the door frame. She is beautiful, but does not know it, as she is a gecko. 20 is old for a gecko, but JANE does not know that, and neither does the audience. While the lifespan of a gecko is generally 7 1/2 to 10 years, some in captivity have lived up to 27 years. But JANE is not in captivity. She is wild and independent. Now that her eyes are clear from her licking JANE, strong and independent as only someone who is described as independent in two adjoining sentences can be, slowly (with stealth, not age, she is fantastic shape for 20) approaches an unsuspecting cricket, and with her sensual long and strong tongue, strikes it, pulls it close, and eats it. JANE's eyes are bright with satisfaction.

If you DARE cast another fukken Iguana as JANE I will burn your house down while snorting the cocaine you thought you hid in your kids room. Seriously. Seriously.

.
.
.
Seriously.
posted by bswinburn at 10:44 AM on February 10, 2016 [33 favorites]

A human female of childbearing age stands at the kitchen appliance, manipulating it such as to cause chemical reactions in the food that will make the food more appealing to her young. This is JANE, childbearing age. A defect in her eyes makes her see poorly and she wears framed lenses over her eyes and some in the audience may find that this makes her seem intelligent, because it indicates that observing fine details and reading written languages is important to her. She has adipose deposits in her chest and hindparts that are larger than what one might find in a typical human female but not so large that they make her to appear comical or grotesque and some in the audience may find that this causes them to respond in a sexual way to her. Her hair is red, like the color of fire and blood, and still others in the audience may find that this excites them. This is JANE. JANE is in my movie. The audience will have very positive feelings toward JANE.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:01 AM on February 10, 2016 [46 favorites]

Where's TARZAN in all this discussion of JANE? Oh of course - writing the screenplays ...
posted by GallonOfAlan at 11:04 AM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

JANE 2.0! now with 10% larger hindparts
posted by poffin boffin at 11:04 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Does this in any way explain the hijab?
posted by amtho at 11:15 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

OK, I think these guys need some positive examples. After all, we learn by internalizing what we see and hear in the world. How about we try to write some really provocative opening descriptions of actually interesting women?

Cribbed from Damon Runyon: [JANE], "a chilly-looking blonde with frosty eyes and one of those marble you-bet-you-will chins."

Lemme see if I can make up a few.

JANE, a woman who confuses petulence with strength, enters armed with a roaring leaf blower.

JANE, with the carriage of a woman whose profession is to explain the truth to those who refuse to believe, examines the burrito.

JANE, a woman who would be the first person you'd pick if someone asked you who embodied the phrase "hold my beer and watch this," bangs her gavel and calls the court to order.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 11:15 AM on February 10, 2016 [16 favorites]

Fade in on JANE, microphone in left hand and a few blue note cards tucked under her arm. She exudes a vibe of excitement as she introduces a discussion about 'raves and ecstacy' with the NASA Crew (DB, Scotto, ODI, Nai, and Spike), Researcher Dr. Julie Holland, and anti-drug filmmaker Shane Solerno.

wait, that's a Jane Pratt Show transcript, something went wrong
posted by mintcake! at 11:17 AM on February 10, 2016 [4 favorites]

As JANE awoke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself transformed in her bed into a gigantic, sexy insect. She was lying on her hard, as it were armor-plated, back and when she lifted her cute head a little she could see her curvaceous, dome-like brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in position and was about to slide off completely. Her numerous long and shapely legs, which were somehow pitifully thin compared to the rest of her pleasantly rounded bulk, waved helplessly but enticingly before her eyes.
posted by mosk at 11:17 AM on February 10, 2016 [62 favorites]

Jane, a human woman whose appearance is unnecessary to describe in this context because her worth is no longer measured that way because we've fucking moved on, is performing some action relevant to the plot.
posted by bleep at 11:19 AM on February 10, 2016 [21 favorites]

JANE, 23, sexy and proud, smiles at her success. Her teeth scream in terror and flee for safety.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:19 AM on February 10, 2016

This thread is the best.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:21 AM on February 10, 2016 [8 favorites]

This one works for all scripts, apparently:

JANE, an attractive young white woman, is a dead ringer for a currently popular mainstream actress with availability in her schedule.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:25 AM on February 10, 2016 [23 favorites]

-The man in the hat steps into the light, and we get our first clear look at HENRY 'INDIANA' JONES (late thirties)--six rugged feet of wisecracking, whiplashing, all-American sizzle.

From the actual script:

"At the head of the party is an American, INDIANA JONES. He wears a short leather jacket, a flapped holster, and a brimmed felt hat with a weird feather stuck in the band."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:27 AM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

Well, now we know why so many movies suck...
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:30 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

JANE, 23, who happens to look exactly like an actress that the director wants to fuck, is standing seductively in front of the window, clad in the smallest outfit her contract will allow.
posted by Etrigan at 11:30 AM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

JANE, 24, was 37 in the book and specifically described as not all that pretty but this is a Hollywood movie and that just means she has a bad haircut and glasses.
posted by graymouser at 11:32 AM on February 10, 2016 [44 favorites]

Jane, 23, but only in base 10. In base 16, she would be 17, which makes her legal on Planet Hexadecimatron, which is where our story begins...
posted by jonp72 at 11:38 AM on February 10, 2016 [12 favorites]

The examples in the Twitter feed may seem like terrible, beginner-level writing, but they're actually more like mediocre, low/mid-level writing, unfortunately. If you've ever taken an intro to screenwriting class, you've likely heard would-be writers going into insane details, like birthmarks, shape of the nose, exact height and weight, etc. They're equally sexist, in many cases, but also seemingly of the belief that Hollywood will share some first-time writer's sense of urgency that a peripheral character be precisely 5'9" and a size 4 with brassy red hair, green eyes, D-cups, and a beauty mark.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:42 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Thanks Mr.Know-it-some for the link to the Indiana Jones script - that's fascinating. For contrast, here is Marion's introduction, which does seem to prove the point here:

[...]she is MARION RAVENWOOD, twenty-five years old, beautiful, if a bit hard-looking.
posted by warble at 11:46 AM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

Funny, my copy of the script reads:

[...]she is MARION RAVENWOOD, an eleven-year-old girl twenty-five years old, beautiful, if a bit hard-looking.
posted by straight at 11:51 AM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

Even scripts by female writers have to include this nonsense. FWIW, the intro descriptions of male characters are similarly awful.

When you're trying to sell a script (and you have to sell repeatedly - to agents, to producers, to studios, to networks, to foreign sales entities, to directors, to actors, and so on - and often to people who don't have time/desire to read or have poor English skills), you learn very quickly to include familiar markers that help the sale. IME, no one wants to write this crap, but everyone knows what it takes to get something sold.
posted by grounded at 11:51 AM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm just here to say that I'M Jane, I don't get why you're making fun of these scripts. I sat hunched over my microscope all morning wearing only a moth eaten sweater and underpants and mismatched socks. I have not brushed my hair in a day or so.*

And yes, I'm attractive. My god, I'm attractive. I understand completely how a similar woman could be in a movie.

Anyway, I gotta get back to work. *puts belt with neodymium buckle back on*

*sadly that is all true
posted by barchan at 11:51 AM on February 10, 2016 [10 favorites]

/looks over own assortment of scripts.

Boy do I have a lot of tough punks with distinctive facial scarring.
posted by Artw at 11:59 AM on February 10, 2016 [4 favorites]

JANE, world-class mathematician, founder of the Ethiopian Pipe-Fitters' Union, inventor of the Prosthetic Third Leg, first female explorer of the Islets of Langerhans, and master Camel Tamer, sashayed into the room like a sunrise and a sunset on fire like at the same time. Her measurements, 22-22-22, were music to the eyes of Roger, also world-class mathematician and astigmatic neuropath, who sidled up to her and said the word she had been waiting for for her whole life since she was born.
"66, eh?"
posted by crazylegs at 12:06 PM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

See JANE. See JANE shoot a xenomorph in the face. Shoot, JANE. Shoot.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 12:09 PM on February 10, 2016 [8 favorites]

JANE, a lithe, leggy redhead is, wait a second- "leggy"? HOW many legs? HOW MANY LEGS DAMNIT? OH GOD THE LEGS! SO MANY LEGS!

Millipede Jane, coming this Christmas to a theatre near you! ALL THE LEGS
posted by happyroach at 12:13 PM on February 10, 2016 [39 favorites]

The screenwriter's audience is not the actual audience. The screenwriter's audience is the person with access to capital who will greenlight the picture and get the screenwriter paid. Otherwise, the screenwriter will spend months to years of his life writing a script and not getting paid for it. The equation is not "What do I like? or "What does the audience like?", it's "What does this producer think the audience is going to like?" And what do 50-something year old, rich, male producers think audiences like? Pretty girls. Yes, it goes without saying that, since it's Hollywood, the girls are going to be pretty. But if you don't say the girl is pretty in the screenplay, the producer is going to ask "This girl, is she pretty?" And of course, you're going to say yes. But it's a bump in the road for the producer, and you want the way forward to be smooth. Because if he hits too many bumps, he's going to reject your script and choose another one from the pile. One with a pretty girl.
posted by vibrotronica at 12:19 PM on February 10, 2016 [12 favorites]

Camera pushes in on JANE, sitting at her desk hunched over her computer. She looks anxious because she knows she has to make her new screenplay marketable to the Hollywood machine. She doesn't want to describe her female protagonist in purely physical terms, but she's failed to sell her screenplay so many times. She purses her full, red lips and whips off her glasses to reveal stunning blue eyes. Young and beautiful with curves in all the right places, she gives up and writes what she knows will sell.
posted by Laura Palmer's Cold Dead Kiss at 12:22 PM on February 10, 2016 [17 favorites]

as logical as that is vibrotronica, it only further illustrates the point that the only value the women have in the story (and the only value the women cast to play them have) is how attractive they are to the middle aged men with all the power and control.

And that's gross.
posted by crush-onastick at 12:23 PM on February 10, 2016 [21 favorites]

It's not like if they nailed the opening descriptions the parts wouldn't still suck.

JANE enters, wearing snow boots, battered winter coat, knit gloves, and a colorful toboggan hat. As she dispenses with her gloves and hat, she spots her husband across the room and immediately begins nagging him.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:29 PM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

I didn't say that the process wasn't gross. I'm saying seize the means of production.
posted by vibrotronica at 12:32 PM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

"Behind a steamy shower door is the indistinguishable but sexy silhouette of JANE showering."

One of my favorite movie-going experiences of all time was watching the original Tomb Raider in a theater packed with ill-socialized gamer boys, during the scene which the audience thinks is going to be a shower scene with Angelina Jolie but turns out to be with the at-the-time-unknown Daniel Craig. In addition to, you know, the Daniel Craig content, you could practically hear the panicky sixteen-year-olds yelling, "Boner! No! It's a dude! Go down!!!"
posted by praemunire at 12:37 PM on February 10, 2016 [11 favorites]

you could practically hear the panicky sixteen-year-olds yelling, "Boner! No! It's a dude! Go down!!!"

I can still remember the panicked shrieks at the end of Wild Things...
posted by Etrigan at 12:41 PM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

The one calling Jane "late 20s, whip smart, elegant, and ambitious" seems innocuous and a bit of a relief after the others. Is there something wrong with it that I'm not catching?


"Elegant" just means that the (29-year-old) character dresses old enough to be played by a 24 year-old. There's nothing wrong with being "elegant, whip smart, and ambitious" (thinking a (younger (see what I did there)) Reese Witherspoon), nor being a "honey-blonde farmland beauty queen." But they are limiting cliches based on superficial appearances.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:46 PM on February 10, 2016

IVANKA, just past 30, ambitious, whip-smart, serious.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:47 PM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

JANE, a lithe, leggy redhead is, wait a second- "leggy"? HOW many legs? HOW MANY LEGS DAMNIT? OH GOD THE LEGS! SO MANY LEGS!

happyroach has given us a glimpse into the script-writing roach libido. And that libido has glimpsed back.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:54 PM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

EMMA WOODHOUSE, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seems to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and has lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.

JANE, 40, amiable of countenance, but always rather distant of mien, rests her pen in the inkwell and rises from her little writing box. She walks in irregular circles about the parlor, exercising her legs, trying to summon back warmth and feeling into them. It not half past three, but already she feels quite cold. To be so cold!—with summer not over yet, the day hardly half past, but already chill, already weary! She passes the window and cannot but glance out at the lawns of Chawton unfurling to the elders at the edge of the park, each green object touched with gold by the dyes of August.

Jane tries not to think of the same prospect in winter as she resumes her place at the writing box, smooths her cap over her hair, reclaims her pen, and writes.
posted by Iridic at 12:59 PM on February 10, 2016 [9 favorites]

Jezebel chat with the Twitterer
posted by Etrigan at 1:21 PM on February 10, 2016

JANE, 10, was glad of it: She never liked long walks, especially on chilly afternoons: dreadful to her was the coming home in the raw twilight, with nipped fingers and toes, and a heart saddened by the chidings of Bessie, the nurse, and humbled by the consciousness of her physical inferiority to Eliza, John, and Georgiana Reed.
posted by ersatz at 2:01 PM on February 10, 2016 [8 favorites]

I wrote a bunch of scripts to teach myself how to do it using a copy of Final Draft I borrowed off Bittorrent. My female characters were: "JANE (age)". It's enough to picture them in your head. Of course they weren't all named Jane. I would never write that a female character "poured" themselves into a dress because what if the casting people could not find a liquid woman, and could only find a woman made of solid matter? I'd have to redo the whole thing!

Sex sells only because we keep buying it, people. Make a point of not watching any films or TV shows that have attractive people in them - together we can send those Hollywood bigshots a message!
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:04 PM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

JANE, 23, is a being of purely gaseous form, an undulating, incorporeal mist that drifts and billows with every imperceptible breeze -- and she knows how to work it.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:10 PM on February 10, 2016 [21 favorites]

JANE, X, exists in twelve dimensions simultaneously, her emerald green eyes shimmering with the light captured by the Dyson swarms surrounding the suns of a million galaxies. She is sexually frustrated.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:40 PM on February 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

The camera pans to JANE, 28, dressed in business attire, her blonde hair parted in the center, her blue eyes glistening as she prepares to read the news.
She is an ignorant slut.
posted by me3dia at 2:59 PM on February 10, 2016 [13 favorites]

JANE, 3, sits pantsless on the floor with a you-bet-your-ass-I-did smile, smeared with a mixture of toothpaste and peanut butter, orange hairs from the cat's tail still peeking from between her clenched fingers.
posted by gottabefunky at 3:00 PM on February 10, 2016 [4 favorites]

JANE, 7, cartwheels across the living room screaming before colliding with the bookcase with a window-rattling crash.
posted by gottabefunky at 3:01 PM on February 10, 2016 [5 favorites]

JANE pours her gorgeous figure into a tight dress, slips into her stiletto-heeled fuck-me shoes, and checks herself in the dresser mirror.

Last night, I started some rando goddamn series on Netflix that starts out EXACTLY like this. Exactly! And then smash cut to Jane, bloodied and sobbing, running through the woods and falling out of her fuck-me shoes, mysterious killer in pursuit.

My reaction was to shout "Fuck you!" so loudly I scared the dog, and hit the back button with righteous anger.

Fuck you, hacky script writers.
posted by Squeak Attack at 3:11 PM on February 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

Make a point of not watching any films or TV shows that have attractive people in them

So, just watch British films?

Ducks and rolls to cover.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 3:33 PM on February 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

OoooOOOOOOOoooh!
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:51 PM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

JANE, 4, 22, 43 and 68, shudders and flickers as she manifests as all forms of womanhood simultaneously; a playmate, mother, sex object, grandmother, back again and everything in between, a manic pixie girl/woman/old lady in myriad stages of life simultaneously, hopping, slinking and hobbling from the couch to the back porch of the redwood cottage overlooking the box canyon at sunset, unable to resolve herself until the hero of our story arrives bearing an enormous emotional burden that gives her meaning.
posted by ardgedee at 4:32 PM on February 10, 2016 [17 favorites]

My favorite anecdote is the pilot for Galavant initially described Princess Isabella as 'Jennifer Lawrence, I'm sure we can get her'.
posted by politikitty at 4:50 PM on February 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

JANE is old enough to be legally hired for the gratuitous nude and sex scenes this movie contains plenty of, but should look like the sophomore in high school her character is. She enjoys showering.
posted by maxwelton at 4:56 PM on February 10, 2016 [15 favorites]

Why not show us male and female character intros so we can see how differently they're treated?
posted by jejune at 5:30 PM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

my guess to that is something like ...

DAVE, a normal guy ...
posted by philip-random at 5:35 PM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

DAVE (87) strides commandingly into the room, his girlfriend JANE (21) behind him.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:16 PM on February 10, 2016 [15 favorites]

Why not show us male and female character intros so we can see how differently they're treated?

Because almost 70% of speaking roles in film are male, so we can already tell that male characters get to have qualities other than youth and beauty, but we need the stage directions to tell anything about female characters? (Source)
posted by gingerest at 6:17 PM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

> The camera lands on JANE, mid-20s,

...who is killed by the blow. Casting can take their pick for this one.
posted by Sunburnt at 6:18 PM on February 10, 2016 [7 favorites]

JANE, 23, brushes her fiery red hair in the mirror, sighing as she gradually glances toward her left leg, smooth, well-proportioned and well-tentacled. An ear-piercing shriek emanates from her mouth-hole, shattering the mirror into smithereens, as she summons her mate, Yog-Sothoth.
posted by jonp72 at 7:09 PM on February 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

JANE, 4, 22, 43 and 68, shudders and flickers as she manifests as all forms of womanhood simultaneously

Argh, are they really trying to turn Piers Anthony books into movies now? Gross.
posted by straight at 7:16 PM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

JANE, 23, a corn-fed, cornflower blue-eyed girl next door type from one of those states somewhere in the Midwest, nervously tugged on the locket hanging around her neck. Lips moistly aquiver, she gradually opens the locket, which we can see contains a faded picture of her father holding her as a baby, a microdot of the Zika virus, and the last remaining molecule of Carly Fiorina's immortal soul.
posted by jonp72 at 7:20 PM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

JANE, 23, stares into the abyss. Another JANE, 23, stares back.
posted by jonp72 at 7:29 PM on February 10, 2016 [9 favorites]

JANE, 23, stares into the abyss. Another JANE, 23 22 and with nicer hair, stares back.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:34 PM on February 10, 2016 [4 favorites]

JANE, 24, was 37 in the book

Silver Linings Playbook? This thread is calling you. ( I think they should have cast Rachel Weisz).
posted by sweetkid at 9:11 PM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Jane was stunning. And slitting. And disemboweling. The air smoked around her on the slaughterhouse floor.
posted by pracowity at 4:37 AM on February 11, 2016 [8 favorites]

Jane, 24, a fierce redhead with sensuous lips and a knowing eye, yawns cavernously and reveals a hellmouth glistening with worms and the severed heads of previous conquests. She looks into the mirror. She is the demon.
posted by h00py at 6:08 AM on February 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: a ham-fisted attempt to arouse a script reader.
posted by kirkaracha at 7:13 AM on February 11, 2016

METAFILTER, 16 going on 17, a stunning blonde who can't keep track of the cat.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:26 AM on February 11, 2016 [4 favorites]

ZuesHumms, you know, right, if your script gets picked up by the pros they're gonna whitewash METAFILTER, despite its origin clearly being of color? They won't even care said color is mentioned right next to a note about it being the main role. #065a8forever
posted by maxwelton at 2:30 PM on February 11, 2016 [4 favorites]

ASKMETAFILTER, anxiously inches her way to the fridge and sexily pulls out an old, moldy container. She considers whether she should eat it, but being a brave one, she does.
posted by sweetkid at 8:37 PM on February 11, 2016 [4 favorites]

You have to consider that description of Marion Ravenwood came long after a very odd conversation between George Lucas (G), Steven Spielberg (S), and screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan (L).

G — I was thinking that this old guy could have been his mentor. He could have known
this little girl when she was just a kid. Had an affair with her when she was eleven.

L — And he was forty-two.

G — He hasn't seen her in twelve years. Now she's twenty-two. It's a real strange
relationship.

S — She had better be older than twenty-two.

G — He's thirty-five, and he knew her ten years ago when he was twenty-five and she
was only twelve.

G — It would be amusing to make her slightly young at the time.

S — And promiscuous. She came onto him.

G — Fifteen is right on the edge. I know it's an outrageous idea, but it is interesting. Once she's sixteen or seventeen it's not interesting anymore. But if she was fifteen and he was twenty-five and they actually had an affair the last time they met. And she was madly in love with him and he..

posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:32 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]

The equation is not "What do I like? or "What does the audience like?", it's "What does this producer think the audience is going to like?" And what do 50-something year old, rich, male producers think audiences like? Pretty girls.

Relatedly, I remember reading somewhere that when researchers want to find out about social prejudices, they ask "What do other people think?" Everyone will tell you that "the average American" looks down on unattractive women. Almost nobody will admit to doing it themselves.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:54 AM on February 12, 2016 [5 favorites]

JANE, 23, beautiful, with fiery red hair, steps into the shower, desperate to extinguish the flames.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 10:22 AM on February 12, 2016 [6 favorites]

JANE, 23, with killer looks, frantically feels along the floor for her ruby quartz visor.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:57 AM on February 12, 2016 [6 favorites]

Slate imagines how men would be introduced.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:05 AM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

*Correction, Feb. 10, 2016: This post originally misstated that Obi Wan Kenobi's robes are black. They are brown.

Note that they do not regret the error.
posted by Etrigan at 11:28 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]

I just had a look through some of the scripts I have and probably the most low-key is the description of Liz from 44-Inch Chest: This is LIZ, aged 44.

The descriptions of the characters from the Alien script are also very adjective-free. After listing the crew and their specialities: Five men and two women: Lambert and Ripley.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:55 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]

You have to consider that description of Marion Ravenwood came long after a very odd conversation between George Lucas (G), Steven Spielberg (S), and screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan (L).

That conversation is horrible.
posted by sweetkid at 12:24 PM on February 12, 2016 [5 favorites]

IIRC Ripley was a guy right up until casting.
posted by Artw at 12:31 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

Sounds familiar. In Dan O'Bannon's original script all the characters are male. They also have completely different names to the characters in the rewrite by Hill and Giler. I was quoting from the Hill and Giler revised final script (Oct '78).
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:37 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

he retweeted this from @themarysue: Ross Putman’s @femscriptintros is Great, But Let’s Talk About the #Women Who Did It First, with a link to relevant article:

Putman has been written up everywhere from The Guardian, Time, and NPR to The Wrap, The Hollywood Reporter, and the Huffington Post. And yes, even here!...

There have been several women in the entertainment industry who’ve spearheaded efforts like this in order to highlight these kinds of goings-on, but sadly it isn’t until a man decides to speak up about feminism that people decide to listen.
...
Miss L. currently has 12.1K followers on Twitter after having been doing this since 2013. Putman is up to 51.1K in the past few days alone. *sigh* Women talk about feminism = white noise. Men talk about feminism = INTERNATIONAL NEWS!
...
What’s sad, and totally messed up, is that this is the first time I’m hearing about these women, and I work at a site that is actively looking for cool women to write about! But we’re only one site. If people don’t reach out to us specifically, or certain news items aren’t being talked about elsewhere – we’re going to miss things.

posted by twist my arm at 5:42 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]

In Dan O'Bannon's original script all the characters are male.

There's a note in his version of the script that all characters could be male or female.

FWIW, the intro descriptions of male characters are similarly awful.

This one-line description of characters in screenplays does my head in. But the men are often described more by their nature than their looks. Female characters are nearly always described by their looks. Princess Leia, Clarice Starling and Thelma (of Thelma & Louise) are all pretty in their screenplay introductions.
posted by crossoverman at 4:31 AM on February 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

The Jane Test
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 2:15 PM on February 13, 2016

You know what, I think the Jane Test is really reductive - it addresses the symptom (terribly facile character descriptions) but does nothing to address the really issue (one-dimensional female characters). I think worrying about how female characters are introduced in screenplays is a valid concern, but fixing those one line introductions doesn't actually solve anything beyond those single lines. There have been plenty of amazing female characters who have risen above their terrible introduction descriptions, just as I'm sure there's been a bunch of terrible female characters whose descriptions were awesome.

I like the Bechdel Test, but that addresses an issue in aggregate. Pass or fail of any particular movie isn't that relevant. You can have feminist movies that fail the test and you can have garbage that barely passes. The Jane Test is so much easier to pass - it's one line out of a 120 page script. But don't just fix that one line. Think about the entire screenplay.
posted by crossoverman at 11:28 PM on February 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yes, the Bechdel Test works because it exposes a structural flaw in how female characters are treated in our stories. The truth revealed by the Jane thing is more superficial, namely that, yeah, straight dudes assess women by their fuckability before anything else.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:52 AM on February 14, 2016

Forcing them to think about women in a way other than their fuckability -- even for a moment -- is a good first step.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:18 AM on February 14, 2016

I think the conversation is important - and okay, a good first step - but I think the Jane Test papers over a crack that goes far deeper. You passed the Jane Test? Great. Now look at the rest of your 120 page script.
posted by crossoverman at 11:27 AM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Sure, but like the Bechdel Test it's useful precisely because the bar is set so low.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:42 AM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]