Preparing For Your Appointment at the Podiatrist.

February 16, 2016 11:15 AM

Preparing For Your Appointment at the Podiatrist Identify the problem. Recall your shaky theories about the dark spot on your left big toenail that first appeared you-can’t-remember-when: it’s mud, it’s a smear of brown hair dye, it’s a bruise from a 25-pound bag of trash you dropped on your foot while clearing out your childhood home to put it up for sale.
posted by zutalors! (21 comments total)

Look, I just want the podiatrist to fix this nagging ingrown toenail I've had for going on 18 months now, most of this advice is not terribly useful.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2016

i don't get it
posted by leotrotsky at 11:30 AM on February 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

When I was a kid, I had a wart or something on my foot and went to see the podiatrist. It was early Spring and Passover was coming up. He refused to look at my foot until I demonstrated mastery of the Four Questions. In conclusion, practicing for any upcoming religious events should also be on this list.
posted by zachlipton at 11:43 AM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]

He refused to look at my foot until I demonstrated mastery of the Four Questions. Ma Nishtana
posted by AugustWest at 12:24 PM on February 16, 2016

Is there an alternative to the “three-pronged attack” (anti-fungal nail polish, foot cream, and the anti-viral drug Lamisil) that doesn’t rely on a war metaphor? Will mentally substituting divine retribution achieve the same result?

Lamisil is an anti-fungal, not an anti-viral.

Otherwise, I'm pretty confused by this piece.
posted by discopolo at 12:25 PM on February 16, 2016

Oh, but I do remember my cardiologist looking at my feet and I realized I was really embarrassed that I hadn't pedicured my toenails. And I should have moisturized.

So maybe I do relate.
posted by discopolo at 12:29 PM on February 16, 2016

Oh, I definitely relate, as a girlhood spent running barefoot and flatfooted on hot sidewalks can attest. My feet are a wreck. My partner and I call them my hooves. I'm going to have to see a podiatrist one day but I can only imagine he'll gasp.
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:55 PM on February 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't really get the confusion - to me it's a McSweeneysesque post that seems to be about one thing and ends up being about something a bit deeper, about the intersection of profound life changes (death of a parent, selling a childhood home) and daily things that just need doing, like a podiatrist appointment. How daily life intrudes on grief and grief intrudes on daily life.

But if people didn't like it, cool.
posted by zutalors! at 1:13 PM on February 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

But if people didn't like it, cool.

No one said they didn't like it.

Btw, and I don't mean to sound ridiculous, but am I one of few that kind of gets influenced by font type when reading a piece like this? I think I had trouble understanding it at first because it's in Arial or whatever. I think Times New Roman would have made it easier for me. Whatever font it's in makes me think it's supposed to be a humorous piece.

Or maybe I'm overly sensitive to it. I remember feeling more relaxed about passages in my chemistry text when they weren't in Times New Roman and in whatever font this one is in, which shouts "here's something fun and interesting." Then it would talk about a toad who froze and reanimated because of a chemical reaction.
posted by discopolo at 1:24 PM on February 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think the title and info paragraph really sidelines what this piece is about and distracted myself from the piece.

I enjoyed reading it though.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:48 PM on February 16, 2016

But they don't mention clipping your toenails and shaving your legs so that the podiatrist thinks you manage to do those things regularly. Just like you always floss right before going to the dentist. Or is that just me?
posted by Anne Neville at 1:50 PM on February 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

I think I had trouble understanding it at first because it's in Arial or whatever. I think Times New Roman would have made it easier for me.

Just tangentially I fully expect to get this comment on student evaluations at some point. I'm sort of surprised I haven't gotten it already. It just sounds exactly right.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:51 PM on February 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

the intersection of profound life changes (death of a parent, selling a childhood home) and daily things that just need doing

I liked it. It reminded me me Pamela Zoline's "The Heat Death of The Universe" (.pdf).
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:55 PM on February 16, 2016

Hooves! Oh, my rock-hard calluses indeed.

fiercecupcake, I will share my secret.

Right now my feet are almost civilized, but only because it's winteer. Keeping my feet moisturized EVERY SINGLE DAY (when I put my socks on to go outside) and using my husband's dremel to chew off the calluses every two weeks is the trick. Ya gotta grind on em.

Come summer though, I'll start barefooting around, bag the moisturizing and quit grinding. By April I can walk on rocks, and paw holes in the ground.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:09 PM on February 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

Just tangentially I fully expect to get this comment on student evaluations at some point. I'm sort of surprised I haven't gotten it already. It just sounds exactly right.

It won't be me, Wolfdog, I promise! (Am/was too paranoid to write anything but kind and encouraging evals.)
posted by discopolo at 5:14 PM on February 16, 2016

You know those places that have little fish nibble dead skin off people's feet? If I wanted to do that sort of thing, I'd have to go to one that keeps a tank of piranhas, the kind that can skeletonize a cow in under a minute. That's what my calluses are like. I have high arches and a desire to not wear shoes if I can get away with it.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:49 PM on February 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

I really related to this article as well -- on a more metaphorical level. I'm a middle-aged woman with horrible feet due to a combination of genes and running roughshod on them through all sorts of adventures and I find it enlightening to look at my feet without the usual disdain and see them as symbols of all that I've tread through in life, both good and bad. So from now on, thanks Elisabeth Mosier, I'm going to look at my gnarly feet as 'my secret source of power'
posted by SA456 at 7:08 PM on February 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

This: What grade of sandpaper could ever smooth your ragged grief?
Oof.
posted by msbubbaclees at 7:41 PM on February 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

My dad is a podiatrist, and so was my grandfather, so this is all a little baffling.

Do people really feel self-conscious about their feet in front of their podiatrist? Because I can assure you, yours are not the grossest feet your podiatrist has seen. Your are probably not the grossest feet your podiatrist has seen that day. My dad has seen some stuff, you guys. A lot of his patients are elderly diabetics, and nothing you guys could ever bring him comes close.
posted by nonasuch at 9:38 PM on February 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

Yeah, definitely do not google "diabetic foot ulcer" before lunch, or after lunch, or at any time unless you have an extremely strong stomach.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:50 AM on February 17, 2016

Reads like something that McSweeney's would publish. I enjoyed it - thanks for posting.
posted by kcds at 7:30 AM on February 17, 2016 [1 favorite]