Obituary.
March 23, 2016 5:46 AM   Subscribe

"Depression stole decades of our lives together. Depression lies. I have to tell the truth." Eleni Pinnow writes in the Washington Post about the obituary she wrote for her sister, Aletha.
posted by roomthreeseventeen (18 comments total) 39 users marked this as a favorite
 
Clear, simple writing. Terrible outcome for a wonderful young woman and her surviving sister and relatives and friends. But for some it's even worse...

Here is the truth: You have value. You have worth. You are loved. Trust the voices of those that love you.

Many, many depressed people have no voices telling them that they are loved. In fact, that's the truth for a lot of non-depressed people. Being deprived of love and touch is a terrible reality for way too many people in today's world.
posted by kozad at 6:13 AM on March 23, 2016 [29 favorites]


Depression lied to my sister, told her that she was worthless. A burden. Unlovable. Undeserving of life.

I haven't made any friends since moving to Massachusetts. Every time I try my internal voice tells me something along the lines of "what do you have to offer besides yourself? and that's not even anything to offer". I know it's wrong. I know it's empirically incorrect. It doesn't change a damn thing.

The Amygdala wants what it wants.
posted by Talez at 6:32 AM on March 23, 2016 [13 favorites]


A small voice in the wilderness of depression. It might, for someone, be the candle that lights the way. Maybe it will be the wake up call for a friend or relative who doesn't want to intrude or who doesn't know what to say. Every little bit helps, I think.
posted by janey47 at 7:37 AM on March 23, 2016


I really appreciated the honest obituary. It was very well-done, celebrating Altetha's life and being honest about her disease.
posted by not that girl at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2016


Such a brave family and I wish honesty would matter.
posted by bluesky43 at 8:25 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thank you for posting; this was unbelievably moving.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:28 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


As someone who currently struggles with depression (amen to meds which keep helps to keep me going as well as my son), I am not ashamed of it. However, the stigma is strong and deep everywhere including in the healthcare environment. I recently told two managers of my struggle so they understood I was not dumb, lazy or did not care. I had a temporary setback which affects my performance and as soon as adjusted meds kick in, I'll be right on track.

Let's just say that I am currently finding a new job.

People are not as understanding as they appear or claim to be, even in an environment where the entire goal is to support, care and empathize for people who struggle with health issues that affect their entire lives and others' lives.

Fan-friggen-tabulous.

I think it's wonderful the author was honest in what happened. Depression is real.
posted by stormpooper at 8:45 AM on March 23, 2016 [20 favorites]


Thank you. I got halfway through and started crying. I wish more people would write obituaries like that.
posted by corb at 9:27 AM on March 23, 2016 [4 favorites]


That was beautiful. I needed to read that today - what sort of pain suicide causes.

I've spent the past several months on leave from work because of depression. So often, people aren't aware of its physical toll: I couldn't focus, everything hurt, and I didn't sleep more than two hours a night for over a year. The voices in your head that tell you you are worthless become a lot more convincing when you actually are worthless, for all practical purposes. And you don't look sick - you just look lazy and mopey, feeling sorry for yourself when you have so much going for you. And you know how good your life is, and that makes everything even worse, because you feel like your squandering your fortune.

I've spent the last month undergoing electroconvulsive therapy since drugs, at best, have been ineffective. It's been a qualified success - I've gotten my energy back - but my memory from the last year is fragmented beyond any use. And since I feel closer to the more distant past, when I was more functional, I'm more aware of how much I've lost. I'm worried I'll never get my brain back again. I'm worried that my job will find some way to get rid of me. I'm especially worried that I'm not doing anything with my kids, that I'm modeling a life of lying around in a dark room instead of engaging with the world.

One primary motivations that has kept me going for some time now is hearing that children whose parents commit suicide are more likely to do so themselves. I knew the depression voice was getting stronger last year when it switched tactics to "Do you really think you're doing them any favors? Why not give them a chance to have a real mother"? Once the lies became more convincing, I knew I had to go back into serious therapy. But reading stories like this, about the the pain of the survivors - I need to hear that. I know what it's like to be in so much pain - I can't willingly bring that upon someone else. So again, thank you.
posted by bibliowench at 10:41 AM on March 23, 2016 [24 favorites]


A very touching article and obituary. I ended up following the intrastory links from the WaPo. Those were also great articles.
posted by AugustWest at 10:48 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


Bibliowench, I know how that is. It's why I'm on meds and why I continue to adjust/seek treatment and all that I can find. Coming from an abusive household, I can attest that children will absolutely internalize anything a parent does as somehow it's their fault. I had enough of that shit when I was younger and it was miserable. I could not do it to our 7 year old. He is what is keeping me going even through the times when I am absolutely ready to give up.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Too many of us are. Way too many.

The best is when I heard a coworker (ex friend) say that depressive people are nothing but whiny, Debbie Downers.

And some coworkers/ex friends are ignorant bitches. :)
posted by stormpooper at 11:24 AM on March 23, 2016 [4 favorites]


Here is the truth - depression doesn't give a shit that I have worth or value. I know that I have worth and value. I know that I'm not an idiot. I've got a good support system. I've done the therapy. I do the medication. I do things that I should enjoy.

Depression isn't me sitting around feeling sad. Depression isn't me sitting around felling bad. Depression is me having to explain to people that happiness just isn't a thing I understand or do. I WANT TO. My brain just does not do happiness in a way that people who can access that emotion understand. I can be pleased with something, I can be amused by something but that is not happiness as other people understand it. Depression is me not being able to feel anything but a void 50 seconds out of every minute.

I have been open about depression since about 2000. It's cool that people are having feelings about the issue. I'm glad that people are trying to get a dialogue going that might change things at some point.

However, when you've spent 30+ years navigating the shit and you've now got even more people feeling and emoting at you, it becomes a clusterfuck of people doing the very things you can't do at you.

I can do sad (situational stuff) and I can do nothingness. Nothingness is a different kind of constant pain that wears a person out mentally and physically and it's ALWAYS there.

I'm glad this human brought attention to depression being a liar. However, when you're constantly bombarded by depression and its lies those lies become your truth.

I'm not suicidal at all. However, I understand why someone who only has nothingness mixed with constant pain would seek that particular exit.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:08 PM on March 23, 2016 [9 favorites]


I don't think I've ever read a more heartbreaking account of this subject. Coming home to that note on the door must be one of the most painful things ever.
posted by BibiRose at 1:37 PM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]


Thanks, guys. The last few days have been something and I needed a cry. Would have preferred it to wait until after my colleague stopped by my office to say good night but bygones.

When I've felt really depressed, I've clung to any small thing that I could to get past the moments of wanting to hurt myself - not even wanting to hurt myself, just wanting to not hurt anymore, wanting to go to sleep and not have to deal anymore. I'm talking small things - I wanted to see that movie that's coming out on Friday, I have dinner plans with a good friend for next week. That's why I need things to look forward to. When that doesn't work, I think of how awful my family members and I felt after my mother died suddenly. And I remind myself that I can't put my family through that. That's probably not a good long-term solution but that has helped in the past and I'll do whatever works.
posted by kat518 at 3:04 PM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]


I haven't made any friends since moving to Massachusetts.

It's probably short notice for tonight, but we'd love to have you at Taters trivia night, every two weeks in Somerville. (Doubly so if you know a lot about contemporary pop music, but please come regardless.)
posted by Horace Rumpole at 3:44 PM on March 23, 2016 [4 favorites]


That was beautifully written. Thanks for posting this OP.
posted by SarahElizaP at 5:13 PM on March 23, 2016


kat518, I could have written that comment. I "look forward" to the most ridiculous things just to keep me putting one foot in front of the other instead of... not doing that. I shop online overmuch for this reason. It's also not a good long term solution, but when I order something that will take two or three weeks to get here (I order stuff from abroad) or more, I can redirect to "well you can't kill yourself before that sweater arrives."

Winter is especially hard for me because I hate the cold so much and being cold makes me feel so hopeless, and spring is always too far away to realistically look forward to, and the cold poisons the things I DO look forward to.

Right around this part of March there's this sudden, palpable relief as the temperatures go up into the low 60's (the bottom range where I can be at all comfortable) and I regain some control over my anxiety and depression. They don't change, really - just my coping resources do. The nastiest of the voices tell me I don't deserve to live, or that I had better kill myself now before something kills me in a way that is unpleasant and out of my control (yes, anxiety sometimes has me considering suicide because I am scared of dying.) When spring rolls around, they keep on talking, but the volume knob gets more responsive.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 8:49 PM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


As someone who cares for a loved one that struggles with depression, I can say that the basic, common advice (take care of yourself, try not to take anything they say personally, etc.) is good but the best advice that I've ever gotten is this.

Depression is like living under that lead blanket they put on you at the dentist office to take x-rays. It weighs down everything. You try to lift it, try to throw it off, but it just doesn't want to move. When your loved one is under that blanket, do NOT try to get under there with them as you'll just both get pulled under it.

Instead, stay out and try to drag your loved one out from under it.
posted by VTX at 9:38 AM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


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