a moment-by-moment decision not to escalate
April 13, 2016 10:50 AM   Subscribe

Women do what they need to do to survive. "Emergencies so often don't look like emergencies as we're taught to understand them when we are children. Monsters don't look like the monsters we've been taught to avoid." [cw: rape]

The full text of the research published by Taylor, et al. in Psychological Review: Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend-and-Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight [PDF]

An article focusing on Taylor's original research, from the APA's July/August 2000 Monitor on Psychology magazine: A new stress paradigm for women

A follow-up from Taylor in 2011: Tend and Befriend Theory [PDF]

More information on the "tend and befriend" response: Wikipedia
posted by amnesia and magnets (24 comments total) 69 users marked this as a favorite
 
I was not attracted to him that night or any night before or since. I woke up to him having sex with me and felt very confused and very unsure of what I had consented to. When I realized what was happening I made a moment-by-moment decision not to escalate. What increased danger would I be in if I made my internal feelings external? I relented, some would say participated, and had very little memory of what happened.

I have been here before. And one of the worst things is thinking all these years later still is : was it my fault? Did I do something previously to indicate that I was interested? I mean, I must have, right, or else this wouldn't have happened?

Thanks for the post. It's a clear reminder of the everyday math women do in their head every hour, every minute of their lives.
posted by Kitteh at 11:21 AM on April 13, 2016 [9 favorites]


I was doing some therapy reading lately and realized I usually have a "freeze" response to threat; growing up, fighting would get me treated worse, and befriending wasn't a strategy for me because I didn't understand how to do it (probably because of autism). I would just shut down and want to be left alone. It's still my first response if someone crosses a boundary, to just look blank and not have a response until well after the moment's passed. The section on social affiliation in the Taylor article made me feel sad; I feel like I've never had that kind of support from women, aside from individual friends and partners. Other girls always told me I was doing things wrong, dressing wrong, saying the wrong things, having the wrong facial expressions, being wrong, and after a while I just stopped trying to seek comfort in groups. But it's not like that support protects you from violence and assault, either.

"Women do what they need to do to survive" is the truth. "What more does she need to do to show she is in distress and danger? What more can she do?" Sometimes it feels like whatever strategy we pick, whatever we say or do, no one hears us. Thank you for this post.
posted by thetortoise at 11:43 AM on April 13, 2016 [23 favorites]


I thought that it was interesting that the different response was, in part, tied to a lesser fear response.

(That doesn't mean the event is less traumatic. The most traumatic things in my life aren't tied to fearful situations at all--and the times I've felt real fear were not, in the long run, traumatic.)

Once you take away the cultural context that blames women for not reacting a certain way, it makes a lot of sense to deescalate. It lessens the chance of further harm. There is a lot of literature about the benefits of deescalation in dangerous situations, but--when it comes to women being raped, it's different, it's a sign of consent. Even though it is a very rational self-preservation response.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:49 AM on April 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


"Women do what they need to do to survive" is the truth. "What more does she need to do to show she is in distress and danger? What more can she do?" Sometimes it feels like whatever strategy we pick, whatever we say or do, no one hears us."

That's because nobody WANTS to hear you and nobody wants to do anything. Hell, we're told to yell "help" or "fire" rather than rape. Heck, the 911 caller didn't want to have to deal with it in this article.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:10 PM on April 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


Thank you for this. Wonderful read. Terrifying implications.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 12:36 PM on April 13, 2016


When I was eight, I was told that people wouldn’t respond if you shout the word “help.” Instead, you should shout “rape” or “fire.”

When I was about the same age, I was taught to always shout "fire" if I was being raped, because nobody would pay attention if you shouted "rape."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:52 PM on April 13, 2016 [9 favorites]


And if you take concrete steps to keep someone at bay, people think you're insane or just a bitch. Example, our house was recently wrecked by hail and wind. The first set of contractors the insurance sent to tarp the roof were both skeevy and incompetent. And when I called my insurance company to say that this vendor should be removed from the list, and said that the guy had made me uncomfortable because he kept saying things like "I'll be seeing you again REAL soon", even though there would be no reason for a tarp guy to return to my house if he did it right the first time, the guy at the insurance company and the guy at the contracting company responded like I was being irrational. The manager at the contracting company actually said "Well, most women your age like it when someone flirts", which has so many offenses to unpack, I cannot even...

And now I'm afraid to be at my house if I'm alone. Thanks skeevy guy and a culture that doesn't listen to women.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:01 PM on April 13, 2016 [21 favorites]


Reading the 'tend and befriend' materials: here is yet another area of human knowledge that has drawn incomplete and inadequate conclusions because of the assumption that male physiological response is normal and universal. It reminds me of Sarah Blaffer Hrdy's work, which focuses on evolutionary pressures facing female primates (as opposed to the various and sundy hunting-related explanations for hominid evolution). The differences in heart attack symptoms in women, which contributed (and continues to contribute!) to excess female mortality. Then there's the exclusion of women from clinical trials and the exlusion of female animals and cell lines from basic science research.

The lack of focus on women's physiology and role in human evolution is not just an academic concern, but also a matter of justice. In the case of 'tend and befriend,' how many people have experienced the freeze or de-escalate response to a sexual assault, but have effectively been told that no crime was committed because they would have fought or run if they were really afraid?
posted by palindromic at 4:09 PM on April 13, 2016 [20 favorites]


So women's reports of sexual assault aren't believed because they don't conform to the natural stress response for men: Layer upon layer.
posted by anshuman at 4:22 PM on April 13, 2016 [22 favorites]


So women's reports of sexual assault aren't believed because they don't conform to the natural stress response for men: Layer upon layer.

And sexual assault survivors often don't believe they themselves could have "really" been raped, since they froze rather than fought or fled.
posted by lazuli at 4:40 PM on April 13, 2016 [7 favorites]


In 2000, a team led by Shelley R. Taylor began to compile the research on female responses to stress. They discovered that the biological response that causes the “fight or flight” response in males is more mitigated in females. When presented with a trigger, women respond with less adrenaline and testosterone, resulting in a lower fear response. They are less afraid than men when under duress. Because the fear is lowered, instead of responding with the extremes—punching, running, playing dead—scientists have determined women generally respond with a strategy all their own—befriend and tend. They calm and deescalate through social interaction and emotions, by talking and then tending to themselves or others.

Researchers aren’t sure if it’s something evolutionary—if women are typically primary caregivers and responding to a screaming child by punching it or running away would be a less than successful strategy—or cultural.

What science is telling us is that there are responses beyond fight or flight, that women tend to respond with less fear in a moment of peril, making use of these other responses as their primary survival strategies.

posted by amanda at 5:02 PM on April 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thanks for this. Despite all of the "I made my rapist a sandwich" stories I've heard from other women, I've had a hard time making sense of my own experience. Chalk it up to a fear of relying on anecdotal evidence. I told him that he needed to go to therapy and promised not to tell his girlfriend.*

*I told his girlfriend so fucking hard.
posted by Janet Snakehole at 5:47 PM on April 13, 2016 [7 favorites]


The manager at the contracting company actually said "Well, most women your age like it when someone flirts", which has so many offenses to unpack, I cannot even...

And now I'm afraid to be at my house if I'm alone. Thanks skeevy guy and a culture that doesn't listen to women.


Jesus Christ, secretagentsockpuppet. I know you're dealing with a lot right now, but if you feel up to escalating to that guy's supervisor you should. That is some exceptionally gross and shitty customer service.
posted by emjaybee at 5:56 PM on April 13, 2016 [2 favorites]


Secretagentsockpuppet, please contact the BBB (I know they're useless, but) and MAYBE the police or a big burly guy would have a little talk with him, yelp, I don't know, ignore all of the above. But I feel so goddamned bad that you are having to deal with this. Big hugs.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 7:29 PM on April 13, 2016


I really thought I was broken and blamed myself for my responses to threatening situations for years, until I heard about the "freeze" reaction (pretty recently). Thanks for this, amnesia and magnets.
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:21 AM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


When I was first sexually assaulted the guy was very very sorry, talked about taking his life, was horrified by himself, but set it up so that he was "working on it" cue years of abuse...

Later experiences with guys I would be thinking about how to protect THEM from finding that part of themselves when my experience (and the words of men) told me was in every guy somewhere waiting to come out if they are put in a "bad" situation where they will be tempted. I remember watching Lord of the Rings and feeling like the ring was a metaphor for women's sexuality. The men who offer to protect you are the ones who can't protect you from themselves, and might even genuinely surprise themselves thinking they would never do that.

I also knew that it was WRONG to suspect a man of abuse, because of course NOT ALL MEN- so refusing to speak to men was also wrong and cruel and assumptive. So basically the course of action was to befriend, refuse to question or suspect because that is wrong, and then when finally they have bad feelings of wanting to do harm, just let them do what they need to do, always say yes so it can't be rape, try to comfort them and make them feel better about it so they don't kill themselves or anyone else if they lose it with guilt and pain.


But whenever I am forced to interact with men my default position is always very friendly and it's very instinctual, even with known abusers, to the point I can't even stop that way of feeling, I often can't feel anger until far removed from the situation or unless it's the moment something is happening and then when they are being friendly all the horrible stuff just disappears from memory. The truth is I've already forgiven men who can't help raping for being rapists before they even do it. I just want to stop assuming they wont and then the horror and heart break and betrayal of watching the same thing happen over and over. Just expect it and you can't be betrayed or horrified to see someone you trust do that. Just always say yes and no more men will ever find out how dark they are through me again. I felt like the first guy, I failed him by not protecting myself from him, I should have know better, I guess to stop talking to him from the beginning. I remember I told one guy once "Don't worry, I won't let you hurt me". He said "That makes me want to hurt you." I can remember even at the time feeling like that's just another thing I need to solve. I felt ad for him that he had to deal with feelings of wanting to hurt me. If I never say no sex at least he can't rape me, and if I'm just numb to abuse, I'm immune right? Problem solved?

I wish more guys were educated about the freeze response and the instinctual need to be agreeable for safety reasons when assessing whether enthusiastic or basic meaningful consent is taking place. Like are you ON TOP of the woman already when you ask if it's ok? Are your hands already all over her body when you ask if it's ok? Is she shut down and not responding or doing anything active in the situation? Some people might like to have sex that way so it doesn't mean they are having a freeze response, but a check in would probably be a good idea if that's normal for them.
posted by xarnop at 10:15 AM on April 14, 2016 [12 favorites]


I will add the other reality for women, as many have pointed out in the recent flowchart of "justice" is that rape essentially can't be effectively persecuted and we all know this.

We all know that ultimately even with a rape kit all you can prove is sex happened. Essentially we can be raped at any time and can't prove it unless we have video evidence. Which is literally terrifying.
posted by xarnop at 10:21 AM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


The unspoken assumption about sexual assault that becomes spoken, particularly when the police, media, and lawyers get involved, is, "Why didn't they fight? Why didn't they leave?" As though relenting is the same as consent.

The last sentence of this passage is so important. I wish there was more acknowledgment that relenting is not equivalent to consent. The men in my past who harassed, cajoled, and pressured me into letting them use my body because I was isolated or tired or afraid and they knew I would eventually fall asleep in front of them or just grow weary of refusing -- I don't doubt that they see themselves as having done absolutely nothing wrong. Because I didn't raise my fists, did I? I didn't scream. I didn't get up and flee into the night. I didn't thrash or call 911 or try to draw blood.

As far as these men are concerned, they were able to successfully quiet my resistance with repetition and persistence. So I have no illusions that they have reconsidered their actions. Even when I would start to cry or just stop trying to push them away and lay there silently and stare at the ceiling, I am certain they believed they had a right to take what they were intent upon taking. I am sure they have not lost a second of sleep over it. But I carry these experiences with me every day. My inaction haunts me, it burns in my guts and bones. The stories of the women I know and love haunt me. And we all blame ourselves.

I just hope these stories help more women know that we are not alone, and even more importantly, to forgive ourselves. It is the most exhausting struggle I have. So I am talking to myself as much as I am talking to everyone this has ever happened to when I say: I know it's hard, god, I do, but please, forgive yourself.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 10:31 AM on April 14, 2016 [15 favorites]


You're definitely not alone. I do think the idea of the "strong warrior survivor" has made me feel like shit more than helped sometimes.

Like I don't really feel like being a "strong warrior person" I really don't give a shit about any of this or want anything to do with it and I would rather just have fun and cook food and play and coming out the other end a "warrior" is like no benefit whatsoever because I was never interested in that to begin with. Like, "hey if you drink this entire can of shit you're really a trooper! Way to get through it!" So... in the end I've drank a can of shit and I should feel good about it because I'm "strong" enough to drink shit?

What if I just don't want the shit and I don't even want pride about drinking shit? There is no reward in this whatsoever. It's like the runner up prize, you could have just had a fun healthy life, but instead you get PRIDE about being a SURVIVOR! WOOOOOOT!

Or... not? Don't get me wrong I am not at any time saying one can't brag about the shit we've endured, I guess if that's what I get out of it nothing wrong with that I guess, it's just never felt like a gain to see myself as a warrior survivor as opposed to a bad needy victim who needs support and is weak... YUCK.

Basically those survivors who just feel like they are struggling and miserable about it and need support (who I identify with more) are still very shamed even sometimes it feels like even by the people who are trying to make us feel "empowered". Not everyone is broken by assault, and so no one should be called broken without their consent, but for me personally I do feel like parts of myself were broken and I don't relate to the pushmack against the word victim, I think what it says more than anything is that we see anyone deeply harmed and weakened by assault such that they might use the word victim as shameful and people are quick to disavow that word because our culture thinks badly of people wounded by things. You get strong and heal up and call yourself a survivor not a victim!!! and then you can be respectable again, or you carry wounds and effects in which case you're shamed and inferior.

I don't think our communities have really rallied around the amount of long term support survivors sometimes (but not always!!!) need because it takes a lot of resources. And how you are treated becomes the voice in your head--- that's not your fault, it's what happened to you.

Even when you blame yourself it's a tape recorder of how you've been treated and often in truth how much our culture blames women and children for not being superheros of will and power in the face of abuse and sees them as the ones to blame. That's the narrative. Men are victims of biology and urges- but women are capable of rising above them. Men who have urges can't do anything about it but act on them, but women who struggle or feel weak can be superheros of power if they will themselves to be!!! Gatekeepers of sex, protectors of virtue and chastity! Prepare for every possibility, be a mind reader and asses the danger exactly correctly, NEVER trust a man ever because if you do it's your fault if you're betrayed---

Also, if you show a man you don't trust him by avoiding contact you're being prejudiced and sexist, not all men!! You need to both understand most men aren't rapists and give the benefit of the doubt and trust men, and you also need to take responsibility when your trust is violated because you were wrong to trust. If I could tell you how many men WHO HAVE ACTUALLY ABUSED ME who tell me I "need to trust them" they have changed, and "trust is a choice"! Blather blather.

You're doing it wrong, no matter what you do. If you get assaulted it's because you've done something wrong and you've failed, not because predators are waiting to break down whatever defense you try and many men carry these predatory feelings and behaviors without even noticing it.

The messages you're getting aren't coming from you. They aren't your fault either. Really. It's not your fault.
posted by xarnop at 12:14 PM on April 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


I was up late last night feeling anxious that I wrote a comment here, vague as it was, under my main account. I don't want to identify as a survivor of this stuff; it's not something I want other people to know about me. But I've been living this "freeze" response for over 20 years, and something I've learned lately is that you can't "play dead" only with regard to rape itself, waiting for it to be over and to be left alone; you end up playing dead through the rest of your life too, just waiting for it all to be over. My therapist tells me I need to forgive the child within myself, but it's hard to forgive someone you decided a long time ago you don't want to be any more. What helps is to read your words, because I think: these people didn't deserve this. It makes me angry, and anger is better than feeling nothing at all but this bottomless, impotent sorrow. I don't know. I'll regret writing this one too, but thank you all for your comments here and this thread.
posted by thetortoise at 12:15 PM on April 14, 2016 [9 favorites]


This resonates in many ways, and not just with the Captain Awkward article I happened to read today.

Thanks for posting, and hugs to those of you that want them.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:24 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


Kanata, I'm so sorry.
posted by xarnop at 6:40 PM on April 14, 2016


... you can't "play dead" only with regard to rape itself, waiting for it to be over and to be left alone; you end up playing dead through the rest of your life too, just waiting for it all to be over.

Dude, whoa. This resonates with me.
posted by kat518 at 8:41 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


When we have these conversations, I feel so honored to know all of you, and that we share our stories, and we can have them without judgement or pronouncements of what should have happened. We are none of us responsible for what happened to us, and I wish I could give each of you a spot on my couch, and a warm beverage, and the space to talk, or not talk, as the needs may be.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 10:18 PM on April 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


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