“No humbug is great without truth at bottom.”
April 15, 2016 9:36 AM   Subscribe

The Battle Over the Sea-Monkey Fortune. A former 1960s bondage-film actress is waging legal combat with a toy company for ownership of her husband’s mail-order aquatic-pet empire.
posted by Scoop (31 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
...they're just brine shrimp.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:42 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Great write-up summary!
posted by My Dad at 10:02 AM on April 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


Related
posted by mwhybark at 10:06 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Great write-up summary!

Yeah, it sounds like a fantastic B-movie pitch!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:20 AM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


Oh man, I haven't raised sea monkeys in a while. Greater than zero odds I'm going to end up at a toy store tonight to get a fix.

It's always awkward, though, at the end, when several life cycles have passed, and there's just one fat, monstrous sea monkey swimming robotically back and forth in the little plastic tank, and you dutifully tip an offering of green powder into the water knowing that this appalling creature, the last of his lineage, remains in the tank because he was the one who was strong and willing enough to eat all of his brothers and sisters and children, and you, you keep this thing that has violated all the laws of nature and family as a pet. And it lives and lives and lives, far longer than you expected any feathery little aquatic crustacean could live.

And you knew from the very first time you talked your parents into buying you these things that the anthropomorphized depictions from the comic book ads were a lie, but now that you have seen how inexorably brine shrimp familicide plays out it seems not merely a lie but an intentionally grotesque parody of the truth.

Maybe I'll just order up some triops on Amazon instead.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:22 AM on April 15, 2016 [72 favorites]


There's a phrase you don't see every day, Chauncey.

What's that Edgar?

A former 1960s bondage-film actress is waging legal combat with a toy company for ownership of her husband’s mail-order aquatic-pet empire.
posted by Splunge at 10:38 AM on April 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


This is a crazy weird story and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. From my read, Yolanda Signorelli von Braunhut does have claim to Sea-Monkeys. And it's also like ... are that many people still buying Sea-Monkeys that it's worth a company to take them by (at least from this side), hostile force? But I feel like there's probably a lot going on here.

But so many twists and turns! It's a fun read, even if the subject matter isn't necessarily.
posted by darksong at 10:44 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


The re-animation feature was interesting. I thought there was a second set of eggs that would hatch when the aquarium was dried out and refilled. Was this ever successful a third time?
posted by dr_dank at 10:52 AM on April 15, 2016


What is really bizarre to me is that the kit bought from Big Time still (a) claims the use of a special, hybrid shrimp (despite the court filings saying the contrary) and (b) advises people to get their doctorate in deep denizenry by writing to the widow who is suing them for control over the Sea-Monkey empire.

A murky case, which seems only fitting.
posted by nubs at 10:53 AM on April 15, 2016


Yolanda Signorelli von Braunhut is now the tiltle of my non-existent Punk band's next EP.

First single is Truth at the Bottom.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:58 AM on April 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


Most of the way trough this feature I was wondering if it was a puff piece on this shitty, shitty human being (whose wife, to be fair, seems charming), until the writer drops the hammer at the end. I knew Braunhut was a Nazi, but I didn't know about the Kiyoga. Jesus Christ.
posted by Merzbau at 11:04 AM on April 15, 2016


are that many people still buying Sea-Monkeys that it's worth a company to take them by (at least from this side), hostile force?

Well ...

In 2006, according to the filings in this lawsuit, sales were $3.4 million

So, probably?

Also, getting 90% of the way through the article before reading "oh BTW this guy was a Jewish neo-Nazi" was really jarring.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:15 AM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


strong and willing enough to eat all of his brothers and sisters and children

Brine shrimp are obligate filter feeders, so if this were true, the final sea monkey still would have needed outside help to grind them into dust.
posted by snofoam at 11:16 AM on April 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


Huh. I remember a Kiyoga showing up in a Dick Francis novel, where some lady judge whacks the dude who was about to kill the hero. Somehow I suspect Francis didn't know the murky background.
posted by tavella at 11:29 AM on April 15, 2016


Brine shrimp are obligate filter feeders, so if this were true, the final sea monkey still would have needed outside help to grind them into dust.

OK I'm googling this and the primary internet source on sea monkey cannibalism denial is a site called "Sea Monkey Worship," which, obviously, I'm not going to listen to because of clear bias
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:41 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Something fishy's definitely going on here.
posted by Bob Regular at 11:50 AM on April 15, 2016


I am pretty sure I allowed my tank to dry out several times and then got a new 'troupe' to emerge just by adding back water. My assumption was that the current crop left enough eggs as the water evaporated for this to happen.

(Was also a big fan of Magic Rocks.)
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 12:35 PM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Yup. They produce resting eggs as a survival strategy. It's why "sea monkeys" work in the first place.

On the topic of how creative their marketing was- I was so disappointed when in adulthood, I found out they do not hatch instantly. The "conditioner" you add a day earlier contains a small amount of eggs, so when you add the package of sea monkeys the next day, there are already- hatched nauplii. For longer than is reasonable, I had assumed they had some proprietary formula to make artemia hatch instantly. (Brine shrimp eggs take 18-36 hours to hatch, usually right around 24 hours)
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:49 PM on April 15, 2016


Great write-up summary!

I almost didn't want to RTFA to avoid being disappointed, but am glad I did. Favorite sentence: "In 1992, CBS broadcast a Sea-Monkey TV show starring, naturally, Howie Mandel."
posted by Lyme Drop at 12:55 PM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


I just noticed this previously from 10 years ago: They Saved Hitler's Self-Hating Jewish Sea Monkeys.
posted by effbot at 1:10 PM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


That is a lot of $Odd to pack into one article. Kudos to the author for striking a good tone and for keeping it moving. And yeah, the late Harold von B. sounds like quite a piece of work.
posted by mosk at 1:33 PM on April 15, 2016


I am proud to say that I had some Sea Monkeys. In retrospect, Dad must have decided that there was good educational value in us waiting 4-6 weeks, and then experiencing the bitter disappointment of the brine shrimps' failure to blossom into the exotic underwater kingdom depicted in the ad.
posted by thelonius at 4:04 PM on April 15, 2016


it sounds like a fantastic B-movie pitch

Nope, it's my next musical. (Which I'm writing before or after I form a band called the Windsor Hum. Thanks, MeFi. Again.)
posted by NorthernLite at 4:30 PM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


I always wanted Sea Monkeys but I think they wouldn't ship them here. Or possibly I just wanted my parents to divine this desire and never said it out loud.

Hermit crabs also used to be a big thing, I wonder what happened there.
posted by jeather at 5:52 PM on April 15, 2016


The South Park episode about "Sea Men" is one of my favorites. The Sea Men form two warring societies, one tha idolizes Cartman and one that idolizes Tweak that eventually nuke each other.

Also Cartman thinks that they need actual semen to bring the Sea Men to life so he buys some from a sperm bank and gets the rest from a guy in an alley who invites him to "suck it out of a hose."
posted by bendy at 8:41 PM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Can I just mention the book "Mail-Order Mysteries - Real Stuff From Old Comic Book Ads!" here?
If you are of a certain age, it will not only bring back memories, it will answer so many questions, and smash so many childhood dreams.

I got myself a copy, and I haven't regretted it... much.
posted by Mezentian at 1:05 AM on April 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Her husband came up with a heck of a scam that would rip off and disappoint children for generations.

This is the same con man who sold kids xray specs which promised you could "See the bones in your hand, see through clothes!"

Her fighting for the rights to these ill-gotten gains just doesn't fill me with sympathy for her. Or rather give her the gains but allow anyone who was unsatisfied with the fraud sue her for restitution
posted by 2manyusernames at 5:39 AM on April 16, 2016


This story has everything.
posted by mazola at 10:56 AM on April 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just noticed this previously from 10 years ago: They Saved Hitler's Self-Hating Jewish Sea Monkeys.

That was my FPP. I found this from the original thread:

More than anything else, he reminded me of the grandfather in Christmas Vacation. Old, shrunken and with only the vaguest awareness of his surroundings. He always wore a tie tack with a swastika on it (or was it a bolero, I don't remember now).

One of the other guys who worked there was a white guy with a shaved head and I guess he got the wrong idea because when he saw the Wu-Tang Clan tattoo on his arm, he asked him what kind of gang they were, and when he said they were a musical group, he showed him his Swastika and said -- well, if you want to join a real clan, let me know.

His wife was the sweetest lady though, dark black hair struck through with white streaks, she was probably 40 years younger than him, in her late 40s or 50s, but it was hard to tell because of the plastic surgery. She always gave off a wierd vibe of both grandmotherliness and flirtiness that made me uncomfortable though. She was very proud when they took sea monkeys up into the space shuttle and I remember her bringing in free packages for everybody one day. I really have a hard time seeing how she went along with all the racism stuff, because she seemed like such a decent person and friendly to pretty much everybody. He just seemed like a sour, bitter old man.

Anyway, no real point to this, just thought I'd share my expriences with them.
posted by empath at 10:26 AM on September 25, 2006 [16 favorites −] [!]

posted by jonp72 at 9:54 PM on April 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


A pic of Yolanda Signorelli from when Metafilter still allowed images in comments.
posted by jonp72 at 9:57 PM on April 16, 2016


prize bull octorok: That could be the great Pixar movie they'd never make, a sort of mash-up of Finding Nemo, Hannibal and the Borgias.
posted by Grangousier at 3:03 AM on April 17, 2016


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