Taking a handsoff approach
April 26, 2016 1:32 AM Subscribe
Giles Coren has decided to stop masturbating forever (NSFW). The jokes write themselves.
But what would the purpose of life be without it? Nothing, that is what.
posted by greenhornet at 2:21 AM on April 26, 2016
posted by greenhornet at 2:21 AM on April 26, 2016
Sadly I rarely have cause to use it in everyday conversation...
To someone who's unfamiliar with the term, say someone from a different culture, you could, easily, just... uh, slip it in/ use it.
"Hey billiebee, do you want sugar?
"Sure. Just a spooj, please"
"How much ketchup?"
"Oh, just a spooj."
"Mayo?"
...
In my own cis male experience masturbation was very very serious until I met a girl I could share it with. Reading this made me glad I am not, uh, him, basically. Which I get, that's the humor of it, but I can only take so much self-deprecation.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:25 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
To someone who's unfamiliar with the term, say someone from a different culture, you could, easily, just... uh, slip it in/ use it.
"Hey billiebee, do you want sugar?
"Sure. Just a spooj, please"
"How much ketchup?"
"Oh, just a spooj."
"Mayo?"
...
In my own cis male experience masturbation was very very serious until I met a girl I could share it with. Reading this made me glad I am not, uh, him, basically. Which I get, that's the humor of it, but I can only take so much self-deprecation.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:25 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Giles Coren has decided to stop masturbating forever
Can't blame him. I find it gets painful after the first hour…
posted by Pinback at 2:34 AM on April 26, 2016 [91 favorites]
Can't blame him. I find it gets painful after the first hour…
posted by Pinback at 2:34 AM on April 26, 2016 [91 favorites]
I think there must be a gene for Coren humour that I haven't got. Dad seemed to me an amiable bloke but a dire old hack. Victoria, lovely lady, but when it comes to funny I've never seen anyone try so hard and fail so miserably. Giles... he keeps getting work so I must be missing something.
posted by Segundus at 2:34 AM on April 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 2:34 AM on April 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
"How much ketchup?"
"Oh, just a spooj."
"Mayo?"
Aaaand that's me off mayo for a while
posted by billiebee at 2:44 AM on April 26, 2016 [12 favorites]
"Oh, just a spooj."
"Mayo?"
Aaaand that's me off mayo for a while
posted by billiebee at 2:44 AM on April 26, 2016 [12 favorites]
Just don't think too hard about spongecake.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:26 AM on April 26, 2016
posted by MartinWisse at 3:26 AM on April 26, 2016
But what would the purpose of life be without it? Nothing, that is what.
Well certainly if you're Giles Coren that's true.
posted by howfar at 3:39 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Well certainly if you're Giles Coren that's true.
posted by howfar at 3:39 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I for one can't wait to catch him backsliding so I can throw it in his face.
Ooh, Matron!
posted by comealongpole at 3:44 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
Ooh, Matron!
posted by comealongpole at 3:44 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
he keeps getting work so I must be missing something
The British class system?
posted by The River Ivel at 3:48 AM on April 26, 2016 [12 favorites]
The British class system?
posted by The River Ivel at 3:48 AM on April 26, 2016 [12 favorites]
Giles Coren is interesting to me because he is a bit of a wanker
Not anymore, apparently.
posted by lollusc at 4:02 AM on April 26, 2016 [26 favorites]
Not anymore, apparently.
posted by lollusc at 4:02 AM on April 26, 2016 [26 favorites]
Do you suppose it's possible to write
an article about your masturbation habits that isn't so... Masturbatory? After reading that I felt so steeped in his masturbational vortex that I had to get my wife to fire up the oozinator just to have some sense of finality.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 4:06 AM on April 26, 2016 [4 favorites]
an article about your masturbation habits that isn't so... Masturbatory? After reading that I felt so steeped in his masturbational vortex that I had to get my wife to fire up the oozinator just to have some sense of finality.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 4:06 AM on April 26, 2016 [4 favorites]
Much like Segundus I don't find either of the younger Corens in the slightest bit funny (the elder could definitely raise a smile - I think it was him who said that he loved Sainsbury's as it kept the riff-raff out of Waitrose), and I am English and well-versed in the class system, so I don't think it can be that.
Also, it's spelled 'spooge'.
posted by Vortisaur at 4:08 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
Also, it's spelled 'spooge'.
posted by Vortisaur at 4:08 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
Also, it's spelled 'spooge'.
Correcting someone on the spelling of spooj is the funniest thing I've seen today. However a quick check on Urban Dictionary seems to support both spellings oh hai IT person yes I can justify why my browsing history is setting off klaxons upstairs today you see first I was bored and then someone thought I was wrong on the internet and then
posted by billiebee at 4:25 AM on April 26, 2016 [33 favorites]
Correcting someone on the spelling of spooj is the funniest thing I've seen today. However a quick check on Urban Dictionary seems to support both spellings oh hai IT person yes I can justify why my browsing history is setting off klaxons upstairs today you see first I was bored and then someone thought I was wrong on the internet and then
posted by billiebee at 4:25 AM on April 26, 2016 [33 favorites]
The vision of little Victoria accidentally sitting in an enormous sofa stink-hole of her brothers accumulated spooge has completely ruined my day.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:26 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:26 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Glad to have been of service.
posted by MartinWisse at 4:29 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by MartinWisse at 4:29 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
suffered through it until he referred to his pee-hole as his "Jap's eye". The fact that it got past the editors at Esquire lowers my opinion of that magazine. Especially when the medical term, "urethral meatus" is at least as funny, but then again so is pee-hole. Is that actually a term in common use in the UK?
posted by Jon_Evil at 5:23 AM on April 26, 2016 [27 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 5:23 AM on April 26, 2016 [27 favorites]
Supersizers Go Battle Creek?
Of course, the obvious joke is, "Oh, he's given up writing?" but I think that rather goes without saying.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:29 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
Of course, the obvious joke is, "Oh, he's given up writing?" but I think that rather goes without saying.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:29 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
That was probably the most unpleasant piece of writing about sex I've ever encountered. Possibly one of the most unpleasant pieces of writing about anything, actually.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 5:34 AM on April 26, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by sevenyearlurk at 5:34 AM on April 26, 2016 [8 favorites]
The first few lines turned me off, so I couldn't finish.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:40 AM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:40 AM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
Eugh. He really rubbed himself raw on that one.
I think there's a lot of really interesting essays to be written (and have been written) about pornography and masturbation and the type of people who fight depression by looking at pornography and masturbating all day. In Terry Crew's memoir: Manhood, he talks about his struggle with pornography addiction and it was really honest and human (and I love him and his projection of non-toxic masculinity).
There's also that no-fap reddit community which is it's own sad depressing place where users extol about how much better not masturbating makes them, almost as if it's giving them superpowers. But this guy wants to talk about shooting his load into coaches and all over desks and stuff and I'm wondering if he was ever introduced to paper towels or tissue paper.
posted by Neronomius at 5:54 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think there's a lot of really interesting essays to be written (and have been written) about pornography and masturbation and the type of people who fight depression by looking at pornography and masturbating all day. In Terry Crew's memoir: Manhood, he talks about his struggle with pornography addiction and it was really honest and human (and I love him and his projection of non-toxic masculinity).
There's also that no-fap reddit community which is it's own sad depressing place where users extol about how much better not masturbating makes them, almost as if it's giving them superpowers. But this guy wants to talk about shooting his load into coaches and all over desks and stuff and I'm wondering if he was ever introduced to paper towels or tissue paper.
posted by Neronomius at 5:54 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Correcting someone on the spelling of spooj is the funniest thing I've seen today. However a quick check on Urban Dictionary seems to support both spellings
Using Urban Dictionary as a spelling checker is pretty funny too (one of the two definitions even says it's a misspelling).
Not that UD cannot be very accurate in places, though.
posted by effbot at 6:00 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Using Urban Dictionary as a spelling checker is pretty funny too (one of the two definitions even says it's a misspelling).
Not that UD cannot be very accurate in places, though.
posted by effbot at 6:00 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
"How much ketchup?"
"Oh, just a spooj."
"Mayo?"
Aaaand that's me off mayo for a while
In my youth, I earnestly described the process of getting cookie dough onto baking sheets as using two spoons to "spooge" it out.
posted by Going To Maine at 6:20 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Oh, just a spooj."
"Mayo?"
Aaaand that's me off mayo for a while
In my youth, I earnestly described the process of getting cookie dough onto baking sheets as using two spoons to "spooge" it out.
posted by Going To Maine at 6:20 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
shooting his load into coaches
DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:25 AM on April 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:25 AM on April 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Just fyi, frequent ejaculation helps protect against prostate cancer.
posted by jeffburdges at 6:32 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jeffburdges at 6:32 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
That's hard to believe.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:46 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:46 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I stopped forever once. Well, for a week. Part of a week. Tendinitis. But it seemed like forever.
And, unlike 99.999% of all words in the English Language, Urban Dictionary should be regarded as having the definitive spellings for spooj.
posted by Cookiebastard at 7:18 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
And, unlike 99.999% of all words in the English Language, Urban Dictionary should be regarded as having the definitive spellings for spooj.
posted by Cookiebastard at 7:18 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
The first few lines turned me off, so I couldn't finish.
ಠ_ಠ
posted by Jacqueline at 7:35 AM on April 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
ಠ_ಠ
posted by Jacqueline at 7:35 AM on April 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
The most shocking thing I've learned in this thread is that people think "spooge" is spelled "spooj". I mean, what the hell?
posted by Automocar at 7:46 AM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Automocar at 7:46 AM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
Giles Coren has decided to stop masturbating forever
How else could one classify a weekly restaurant review column?
posted by C.A.S. at 7:50 AM on April 26, 2016
How else could one classify a weekly restaurant review column?
posted by C.A.S. at 7:50 AM on April 26, 2016
If he really wanted a challenge he'd just switch to his non-dominant hand. Like the sword fight scene in The Princess Bride, he could be really smug because he knows something that you don't know, that he is not left-handed.
posted by peeedro at 7:58 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by peeedro at 7:58 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
Giles Coren has decided to stop admitting he masturbates
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:19 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:19 AM on April 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
I have no idea who Giles Coren is. From this article, he's a writer who has confused vulgarity with wit?
Also: a wife who gives up all her kissing, arse-grabbing and tit-nuzzling to other members of the household before I even get home, it is hardly surprising if I don't have sex anymore. Perhaps his wife is not that into him anymore because she senses his disrespect for her work raising their children? Or maybe she's just tired of her husband wanking to hisfriendshotmom.com instead of helping get the kids to school.
(Let me guess; we're not supposed to take Giles Coren's writing seriously? Is Esquire UK a troll publication?)
posted by Nelson at 8:20 AM on April 26, 2016 [6 favorites]
Also: a wife who gives up all her kissing, arse-grabbing and tit-nuzzling to other members of the household before I even get home, it is hardly surprising if I don't have sex anymore. Perhaps his wife is not that into him anymore because she senses his disrespect for her work raising their children? Or maybe she's just tired of her husband wanking to hisfriendshotmom.com instead of helping get the kids to school.
(Let me guess; we're not supposed to take Giles Coren's writing seriously? Is Esquire UK a troll publication?)
posted by Nelson at 8:20 AM on April 26, 2016 [6 favorites]
If you want to read fantasies about the Magic of Not Wanking, the Reddit kids over on /r/nofap have you covered. There's a whole cult of young men who have convinced themselves masturbation is the cause of all their problems. It's sort of crazy and fascinating. (Previously on MeFi).
posted by Nelson at 8:31 AM on April 26, 2016
posted by Nelson at 8:31 AM on April 26, 2016
Of course, the obvious joke is, "Oh, he's given up writing?" but I think that rather goes without saying
Television, I'd thought. His show Million Dollar Review was just so full of rage inducing seeing red flames on the side of my face die die die
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:36 AM on April 26, 2016
Television, I'd thought. His show Million Dollar Review was just so full of rage inducing seeing red flames on the side of my face die die die
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:36 AM on April 26, 2016
Would be funnier if written by Giles Corey from The Crucible.
posted by HeroZero at 9:53 AM on April 26, 2016
posted by HeroZero at 9:53 AM on April 26, 2016
This is not an article about swearing off wanking, this is a cry for help from a man in a sexless marriage. Instead of dealing with that mess (every dead bedroom is messy), he's just sworn off sex altogether and told himself that he's happy with it. The essay is packed with unresolved anger towards his wife.
On some perhaps subconscious level, this guy is hoping his wife will read this essay, realize just how much he's sacrificing for her, and realize the errors of her ways. That, of course, is never going to work, since she could probably write an essay just as long about how little he appreciates the sacrifices that she is making and how it's time for him to see the errors of his ways.
posted by LightStruk at 10:16 AM on April 26, 2016 [4 favorites]
My rationale for continuing to wank like a chimp with a hangover well into my late-forties was that with small children, live-in au pair, no privacy and a wife who gives up all her kissing, arse-grabbing and tit-nuzzling to other members of the household before I even get home, it is hardly surprising if I don't have sex anymore . . . I would lay off the joddling for a while to get my mojo back. And then, of course, she wouldn't be up for it. And I would be furious . . . and she wanted no part of it.Not wanking has not fixed all of the other issues in this household that led to the dead bedroom. It's just self-denial, putting on a hair shirt, finding something to distract him from the fact that his wife does not want him anymore and they are on the road to divorce.
On some perhaps subconscious level, this guy is hoping his wife will read this essay, realize just how much he's sacrificing for her, and realize the errors of her ways. That, of course, is never going to work, since she could probably write an essay just as long about how little he appreciates the sacrifices that she is making and how it's time for him to see the errors of his ways.
posted by LightStruk at 10:16 AM on April 26, 2016 [4 favorites]
Would be funnier if written by Giles Corey from The Crucible.
Or Professor Irwin Corey.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:36 AM on April 26, 2016
Or Professor Irwin Corey.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:36 AM on April 26, 2016
I have no idea who Giles Coren is.
David Mitchell's brother in law.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:43 AM on April 26, 2016 [7 favorites]
David Mitchell's brother in law.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:43 AM on April 26, 2016 [7 favorites]
this is a cry for help
I think you might be taking the article too seriously. I'd be prepared to bet every single element is considerably exaggerated in the cause of producing what Coren (and presumably Esquire) imagines to be entertaining prose.
posted by Paul Slade at 10:44 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you might be taking the article too seriously. I'd be prepared to bet every single element is considerably exaggerated in the cause of producing what Coren (and presumably Esquire) imagines to be entertaining prose.
posted by Paul Slade at 10:44 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
♫ You write spooge-ato, I write spooj-ahto ♫
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:54 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:54 AM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you might be taking the article too seriously.
I dunno. I mean, Coren also gave up drinking a few years ago too. For a brief period. And what about his crazed, widely mocked email to the subeditors on the Times? I, personally, think he's an objectionable little twerp, but I also think he's an unhappy mess with some pretty serious dependency issues, who'd be a lot less irritating if he liked himself more. But, equally, people pay him money to write stuff, and plenty of people seem to enjoy it, so why should he care about my assessment of his personal flaws?
posted by howfar at 11:19 AM on April 26, 2016
I dunno. I mean, Coren also gave up drinking a few years ago too. For a brief period. And what about his crazed, widely mocked email to the subeditors on the Times? I, personally, think he's an objectionable little twerp, but I also think he's an unhappy mess with some pretty serious dependency issues, who'd be a lot less irritating if he liked himself more. But, equally, people pay him money to write stuff, and plenty of people seem to enjoy it, so why should he care about my assessment of his personal flaws?
posted by howfar at 11:19 AM on April 26, 2016
I also think he's an unhappy mess with some pretty serious dependency issues
Oh, I dunno. If he can buy a gram of coke and use it so sparingly as to still be able to maintain an erection, he's doing better than I ever did.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:23 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh, I dunno. If he can buy a gram of coke and use it so sparingly as to still be able to maintain an erection, he's doing better than I ever did.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:23 AM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Esther Walker: "I most certainly do not intend to stop masturbating, and I think you all understand why."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:25 AM on April 26, 2016
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:25 AM on April 26, 2016
wife who gives up all her kissing, arse-grabbing and tit-nuzzling to other members of the household before I even get home
This is just so fucking gross.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:40 AM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
This is just so fucking gross.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:40 AM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
Gives up mastrurbating whilst proving he's still a wanker.
posted by fullerine at 11:45 AM on April 26, 2016
posted by fullerine at 11:45 AM on April 26, 2016
I have no idea who Giles Coren is.
David Mitchell's brother in law.
Alexander Armstrong's Brother in Law
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 12:13 PM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
David Mitchell's brother in law.
Alexander Armstrong's Brother in Law
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 12:13 PM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Today I learnt that the Queen's English spells "spooge" just as weirdly as it does "color".
posted by egypturnash at 12:40 PM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by egypturnash at 12:40 PM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I really think we've witnessed the birth of something here. That in future years, this essay will become a benchmark for epically awful confessional writing and problematic human behaviour in general. People will say, "yeah, that was bad alright, but it was no Giles Coren wank piece," and others will nod their heads sagely and agree.
posted by Sonny Jim at 12:42 PM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Sonny Jim at 12:42 PM on April 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
That was probably the most unpleasant piece of writing about sex I've ever encountered
Continuing a proud English tradition, I think.
I have no idea who Giles Coren is.
Michael Coren's cousin. Apparently chronic wankerism is genetic.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:51 PM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Continuing a proud English tradition, I think.
I have no idea who Giles Coren is.
Michael Coren's cousin. Apparently chronic wankerism is genetic.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:51 PM on April 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Rang very true for me: your personal experience with masturbation may be different, of course, but who are you to deny personal witness?
Also, Victoria Coren-Mitchell is very funny, thank you.
posted by alasdair at 2:00 PM on April 26, 2016
Also, Victoria Coren-Mitchell is very funny, thank you.
posted by alasdair at 2:00 PM on April 26, 2016
I think I preferred it when writers sat at their typewriter and opened a vein...
posted by Devonian at 2:18 PM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Devonian at 2:18 PM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
David Mitchell's brother in law.
Alexander Armstrong's Brother in Law
Michael Coren's cousin.
At some point you'll reference someone the average American has heard of, but am curious to see how far this'll go until then.
posted by psoas at 2:48 PM on April 26, 2016 [11 favorites]
Alexander Armstrong's Brother in Law
Michael Coren's cousin.
At some point you'll reference someone the average American has heard of, but am curious to see how far this'll go until then.
posted by psoas at 2:48 PM on April 26, 2016 [11 favorites]
No, the other David Mitchell.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 4:18 PM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 4:18 PM on April 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I mean, give moderation a shot?
posted by Chrysostom at 8:25 PM on April 26, 2016
posted by Chrysostom at 8:25 PM on April 26, 2016
"like a chimp with a hangover" made me chuckle, but over the whole article that's a pretty low laugh to word ratio.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:04 PM on April 26, 2016
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:04 PM on April 26, 2016
At some point you'll reference someone the average American has heard of, but am curious to see how far this'll go until then.
Funnily enough, since we were discussing an article published on a British site by a British writer I wasn't really aiming at who the average american might have heard of. I don't really see why that would be relevant.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:10 AM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Funnily enough, since we were discussing an article published on a British site by a British writer I wasn't really aiming at who the average american might have heard of. I don't really see why that would be relevant.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:10 AM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
There is a certain British undertone to this piece. The shame that he talks about is there. I can certainly see parts of my childhood in his descriptions. I think he was overly graphic and probably (hopefully?) exaggerating on some of the more gross sections, but there's a definite truth there somewhere.
I'm never sure about Coren though. sometimes he seems funny, other times really angry and other times like he's losing his mind.
posted by trif at 5:22 AM on April 27, 2016
I'm never sure about Coren though. sometimes he seems funny, other times really angry and other times like he's losing his mind.
posted by trif at 5:22 AM on April 27, 2016
I don't really see why that would be relevant.
It's just an aside.
posted by psoas at 12:36 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's just an aside.
posted by psoas at 12:36 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Today's porn panic is no different to the anti-masturbation movements of the 19th century
posted by jeffburdges at 10:18 AM on April 29, 2016
posted by jeffburdges at 10:18 AM on April 29, 2016
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posted by billiebee at 2:01 AM on April 26, 2016 [4 favorites]