Wall Street Journal Guide to Parenting
May 2, 2016 11:47 AM Subscribe
How to Raise the Next Mark Zuckerberg, 5 Signs Your Child Has What it Takes to be a Tech Entrepreneur, featuring advice such as "Teach children to work like a startup" from the former, and "[Your child is] obsessed with money" from the latter.
You can usually get around the WSJ paywall by searching Google for the article title and then clicking on the WSJ link on Google.
You can usually get around the WSJ paywall by searching Google for the article title and then clicking on the WSJ link on Google.
Joke's on you, WSJ and Alexandra Samuel. I clicked through to your stupid click-bait-y articles, but my ad blocker deprived you of your 1/12 of 1ยข in advertising revenue. Should have thought of THAT before you tried to monetize middle-class rage.
Save us from this horrible future.
posted by Mayor West at 11:52 AM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
Save us from this horrible future.
posted by Mayor West at 11:52 AM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
Give the state of the world the hypothetical child will be receiving, a more useful article might be: "How To Raise The Next Immortan Joe."
posted by entropicamericana at 11:54 AM on May 2, 2016 [37 favorites]
posted by entropicamericana at 11:54 AM on May 2, 2016 [37 favorites]
"5 Signs Your Once-Respectable Publication is Trying to be Buzzfeed -- and Destroying Itself in the Process."
posted by cubby at 11:55 AM on May 2, 2016 [27 favorites]
posted by cubby at 11:55 AM on May 2, 2016 [27 favorites]
While not every tech entrepreneur needs to be a coder, most teen entrepreneurs are children who build their own apps.I imagine this worked better when Morbo said it.
...
The sooner you can get these kinds to move from coding games to actual programming, the better.
NO, TINY HYOO-MAN. ON THIS, THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE PUNY EARTH'S EIGHTH REVOLUTION AROUND THE SUN, YOUR CHILDISH GAMING PERTURBATIONS MUST BE ABOLISHED, FOR WE MUST NOW MONETIZE YOUR DESIRES.
posted by Mayor West at 11:57 AM on May 2, 2016 [14 favorites]
I can still remember all those schoolyard taunts.
"Hey 'trep! Nice elevator pitch, 'trep. Why don't you try disrupting THIS market, 'trep!" and then they would show me their ass.
posted by griphus at 11:57 AM on May 2, 2016 [28 favorites]
"Hey 'trep! Nice elevator pitch, 'trep. Why don't you try disrupting THIS market, 'trep!" and then they would show me their ass.
posted by griphus at 11:57 AM on May 2, 2016 [28 favorites]
The sooner you can get these kinds to move from coding games to actual programming, the better.
A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Committing. Always be committing. ALWAYS BE COMMITTING.
Put. That toy. Down. Toys are for toddlers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:03 PM on May 2, 2016 [42 favorites]
A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Committing. Always be committing. ALWAYS BE COMMITTING.
Put. That toy. Down. Toys are for toddlers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:03 PM on May 2, 2016 [42 favorites]
"Gretchen, stop trying to make 'trep' happen! It's not going to happen!"
posted by theorique at 12:04 PM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by theorique at 12:04 PM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
How to train up your child to fail the Voight-Kampff test spectacularly.
Less facetiously, I imagine "be good at compoodars!" is going to be shitty advice over the long term, as most IT jobs will probably end up as completely devalued, offshored scut-work in a decade or two.
posted by Vulgar Euphemism at 12:05 PM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
Less facetiously, I imagine "be good at compoodars!" is going to be shitty advice over the long term, as most IT jobs will probably end up as completely devalued, offshored scut-work in a decade or two.
posted by Vulgar Euphemism at 12:05 PM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
No offense, y'all, but I'm just gonna go ahead and pretend these articles aren't real and are part of some Weird Month long con.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:06 PM on May 2, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:06 PM on May 2, 2016 [7 favorites]
A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Committing. Always be committing. ALWAYS BE COMMITTING.
Third prize is you don't get to watch Reading Rainbow after dinner. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got redstone repeaters. Mitch and Murray paid good money.
posted by Mayor West at 12:12 PM on May 2, 2016 [13 favorites]
Third prize is you don't get to watch Reading Rainbow after dinner. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got redstone repeaters. Mitch and Murray paid good money.
posted by Mayor West at 12:12 PM on May 2, 2016 [13 favorites]
I'm still proud that I started the first cat blog and had screencaps from my crappy webcam (it was 2001) with pithy captions, aka pre-lolcats.
Of course I earned precisely zero from it, apart from some of my still-best virtual and later real-life friends.
I'll take awesome cat-loving friends over a shit-ton of money any day. Money is nice of course. Better when everyone has enough to live on though.
posted by fraula at 12:38 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
Of course I earned precisely zero from it, apart from some of my still-best virtual and later real-life friends.
I'll take awesome cat-loving friends over a shit-ton of money any day. Money is nice of course. Better when everyone has enough to live on though.
posted by fraula at 12:38 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
There are very few tech entrepreneurs who manage their schedules or task lists with the spiral-bound calendars that are so often supplied by schools.
WTF schools are these? I mean, I guess overcrowded, poorly-funded and badly maintained facilities will of course inure them to startup culture. I guess its Da Journal though: the idea that we need to double-down on our current society is baked in. Its the pinnaclest!
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:00 PM on May 2, 2016
WTF schools are these? I mean, I guess overcrowded, poorly-funded and badly maintained facilities will of course inure them to startup culture. I guess its Da Journal though: the idea that we need to double-down on our current society is baked in. Its the pinnaclest!
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:00 PM on May 2, 2016
1) Make sure your child knows it's ok to fail.
2) Encourage them to get back up after they fail.
3) Teach them how to learn from failure.
4) Luck or fate intervenes.
5) Billionaire!
Success is perseverance + opportunity. You can only help with the first part.
posted by Talez at 1:06 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
2) Encourage them to get back up after they fail.
3) Teach them how to learn from failure.
4) Luck or fate intervenes.
5) Billionaire!
Success is perseverance + opportunity. You can only help with the first part.
posted by Talez at 1:06 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
It's not enough to read articles like this. You need to search them en masse for key information.
You need to do the trep prep grep step.
posted by cortex at 1:14 PM on May 2, 2016 [19 favorites]
You need to do the trep prep grep step.
posted by cortex at 1:14 PM on May 2, 2016 [19 favorites]
3) Teach them how to learn from failure.
4) Luck or fate intervenes.
5) Billionaire!
I think you forgot somewhere in there that they have to back-stab any work colleagues/ business partners, and then take over, claiming everything was their own idea all along.
posted by greenhornet at 1:25 PM on May 2, 2016 [7 favorites]
4) Luck or fate intervenes.
5) Billionaire!
I think you forgot somewhere in there that they have to back-stab any work colleagues/ business partners, and then take over, claiming everything was their own idea all along.
posted by greenhornet at 1:25 PM on May 2, 2016 [7 favorites]
My daughter got disruptive as-all-get-out in her diaper just now.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:37 PM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:37 PM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
You need to do the trep prep grep step.
Perhaps we can get a celebrity endorsement from Steve Reevis and that guy that played Edward Scissorhands.
By which I mean we could have Shep and Depp rep the trep prep grep step.
posted by griphus at 1:41 PM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
Perhaps we can get a celebrity endorsement from Steve Reevis and that guy that played Edward Scissorhands.
By which I mean we could have Shep and Depp rep the trep prep grep step.
posted by griphus at 1:41 PM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
My daughter runs deals with small online stores, so if you enter her IG handle, you get a discount and my daughter gets free stuff. She's 14 and has better networking skills than me.
posted by Ruki at 1:43 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 1:43 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
More like "5 Signs Your Child Will Be First Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes".
posted by tobascodagama at 1:45 PM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by tobascodagama at 1:45 PM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
> There are very few tech entrepreneurs who manage their schedules or task lists with the spiral-bound calendars that are so often supplied by schools.
WTF schools are these?
My district hands out spiral-bound agenda-planners to all its high school students to write down when homework assignments and projects are due. Is that what this means?
posted by thegears at 1:54 PM on May 2, 2016
WTF schools are these?
My district hands out spiral-bound agenda-planners to all its high school students to write down when homework assignments and projects are due. Is that what this means?
posted by thegears at 1:54 PM on May 2, 2016
it's been a few years for me... do high schools just hand out iPads like candy now?
posted by indubitable at 2:13 PM on May 2, 2016
posted by indubitable at 2:13 PM on May 2, 2016
My daughter was issued a Chromebook last year in 7th grade and it was a BIG DEAL. Much more useful than an iPad. She doesn't have any textbooks anymore.
posted by Ruki at 2:42 PM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 2:42 PM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Perhaps we can get a celebrity endorsement from Steve Reevis and that guy that played Edward Scissorhands.
By which I mean we could have Shep and Depp rep the trep prep grep step.
wordavalanches leaks!
posted by sandking at 2:56 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
By which I mean we could have Shep and Depp rep the trep prep grep step.
wordavalanches leaks!
posted by sandking at 2:56 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
My five month old daughter is sitting next to me as I write this, losing millions of dollars from her future income by failing to leverage the disruptive potential of her rattle. (She keeps trying to put it in her mouth instead.) Sad!
posted by chimpsonfilm at 3:05 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by chimpsonfilm at 3:05 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Metaskills, how to think, how to learn - these are the only things with lasting value.
Specific tech skills are farts in the wind, shit's changing too fast.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:45 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Specific tech skills are farts in the wind, shit's changing too fast.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:45 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm still waiting for the next Brother Theodore.
posted by Chitownfats at 3:50 PM on May 2, 2016
posted by Chitownfats at 3:50 PM on May 2, 2016
Shep and Depp rep the trep prep grep step.
Yep yep yep
Metaskills, how to think, how to learn - these are the only things with lasting value.
You forgot "how to lie, cheat and steal and how to not get caught", the most important skills since long before the WSJ was published (and the ones it'd never teach its readership).
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:51 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yep yep yep
Metaskills, how to think, how to learn - these are the only things with lasting value.
You forgot "how to lie, cheat and steal and how to not get caught", the most important skills since long before the WSJ was published (and the ones it'd never teach its readership).
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:51 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
"If your child is in the front yard, selling information about the neighborhood children to passersby..."
posted by blueberry at 4:02 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by blueberry at 4:02 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
How to Raise the Next Mark Zuckerberg
On purpose?
posted by bongo_x at 5:02 PM on May 2, 2016 [12 favorites]
On purpose?
posted by bongo_x at 5:02 PM on May 2, 2016 [12 favorites]
My daughter got disruptive as-all-get-out in her diaper just now.
what was its effect upon the paradigm
posted by Sebmojo at 9:24 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
what was its effect upon the paradigm
posted by Sebmojo at 9:24 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
First you'd need to know whether the paradigm was disposable or reusable.
posted by bongo_x at 10:33 PM on May 2, 2016
posted by bongo_x at 10:33 PM on May 2, 2016
We're pretty sure once we figure out how to monetize undigested mushrooms Poopr is going to be game-changer.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:28 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:28 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by theorique at 11:49 AM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]