We're obviously open minded... obviously.
May 4, 2016 9:59 AM   Subscribe

 
Leaving all else aside, it sounds like it might be better to use some of the cash from the grown-up job to hire a live-in servant, or else to use the Satanic powers to acquire a thrall.

I myself recognize this kind of pickiness and indeed know some non-Satanists who could have written something similar about some kind of radical house...but man that is waaaaaaay too much work to demand from a housemate. Would I like to live with strangers and do a lot of free work for them? I think not.
posted by Frowner at 10:07 AM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


I like the part where they don't like to have a lot of material stuff, but it would be great if the new roommate brought dishes and a couch. I'm not sure it counts as being a minimalist if you simply expect other people to provide what you actually need/want.

On the whole, though, I think what they're getting at is not so much someone to do work for them, but a person like them who also wants to work on the types of projects they want to work on with them.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:12 AM on May 4, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'm like 25% sure I've met this person
posted by theodolite at 10:15 AM on May 4, 2016 [17 favorites]


I'm seeing some hipster bike guy with appropriate satan kit, but hearing the voice of Bill Lumbergh from Office Space

"I'm gonna need a licensed structural engineer, mmmkay? yeah. That'd be great."

Preferably licensed? As someone currently involved in a fairly large piece of architect negligence/building litigation, my eyes were drawn right to that one. "I've got a project or two". Yeah, it would be great if your professional indemnity insurance was current.

Gotta love Ukranian Village, don't ever change. Now two generations of urban pioneering in.
posted by C.A.S. at 10:16 AM on May 4, 2016


This is viral marketing for a sequel to What We Do in the Shadows, right?
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:18 AM on May 4, 2016 [21 favorites]


If you think you've met them, are they as much of a fusspot as they sound? And as unselfaware?

The thing is, I too come from the world where someone might indeed be running a dehydrator business in the kitchen or doing an unusual amount of pet-sitting. And if you want someone to move in and work on projects with you, you find them first, you don't troll around in the hopes that a random stranger will appear from the blue, eager to inject you with RFIDs and take care of your pet pig, and/or provide professional engineering services for funsies.

Also, srsly, most of the people I know with actual professional degrees don't want to pay $400 a month to live in a closet, even if it comes with the opportunity to donate their services to the common good.
posted by Frowner at 10:20 AM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]


This reads like Satanic Ned Flanders. "You've got to be okey-dokey with B-S-Diddly-M!"
posted by phooky at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2016 [20 favorites]


You must be willing to actively raise a pig.

I'm listening.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:25 AM on May 4, 2016 [15 favorites]


non-theistic Satanism

so LARPing then
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:25 AM on May 4, 2016 [35 favorites]


This add makes me feel like I feel when I am looking at someone else's badly organized filing cabinet - I just have a powerful, grumpy urge to sort it out.

Like, choose the most important couple of things and then leave everything else off, because even the population of non-theistic Satanists looking for housing is already pretty small. Non-theistic Satanist structural engineers who want to raise a pig and want to live in a 10x10 room and share a bathroom with two strangers? Not a lot of those.

It makes me wonder whether this person has found housemates in this manner before, because many years of group houses have taught me that what you really want in a housemate is mostly "meets household standards of cleanliness and quiet, pays the rent and shares enough values with you to be good casual company". Anything beyond that is gravy.
posted by Frowner at 10:29 AM on May 4, 2016 [12 favorites]


What chills my blood is, these are only the special preferences they're cognizant of. The unspoken expectation stuff is going to be absolutely rococo.

Also. The kitchen dehydrator stuff? They're surprisingly fragrant, and can be heavenly with warm sweet apple, peach, kiwi fruit etc. scent permeating the house. They could just as easily be making liver or tripe raw food dog treats, though, which would smell like nightmare.
posted by Fantods at 10:32 AM on May 4, 2016 [9 favorites]


hello from ~~the past~~, future people! here is a working link for the FPP: https://web.archive.org/web/20160504145008/https://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/roo/5560643250.html
posted by threeants at 10:33 AM on May 4, 2016 [12 favorites]


No cats?

Deal-breaker.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:33 AM on May 4, 2016 [7 favorites]


You know, this is just an exaggerated version of every time I have moved in with a person who already lives in an apartment. They think I am now renting from them, and they get to make the rules, and if I don't like it I should find another apartment, because it is their apartment and I am just living in it.

No. We now share the apartment. I am only bound by what is on the lease. At the moment I move in, it becomes a partnership, and we mutually decide how things will work in the apartment, and what will be done in the common area, and we must capitulate to each other's reasonable demands, because that's how you roommate.

If you think you're the apartment dictator and everyone should just obey the apartment rules you invented, you should not have roommates. If you can't afford to live on your own, then you had better learn how to roommate pretty damn fast, buster.
posted by maxsparber at 10:36 AM on May 4, 2016 [13 favorites]


The unspoken expectation stuff is going to be absolutely rococo.

Oh yeah, wow. I responded to a slightly less off the wall version of this sort of ad once. Went to go meet the potential roommates and no just no wow no. Within about five minutes there was this extensive laundry list of "oh and you must do this and we must keep these weird hours too bad about your 9-5 and you have to be okay with random parties breaking out at 4am on a Monday morning and and and."

I shudder to think what the unwritten expectations here are. Any Chicago Mefites want to go and report back?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:38 AM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


Are you guys kidding? Speaking as a San Franciscan, ads like this are the sole bright spot in the soul-destroying vortex of doom that is hunting for an apartment. You can compete with your friends to find the craziest one! (I wish I could remember the details of the one that won me the title last time I was looking, but I think it was a dude looking for a straight guy who hated housekeeping to move in to his spare room and order him around in a non-sexual way. Or maybe the straight guy was the one who posted it? But that seems super mean.)

Anyway I for one appreciate these Satanists and their commitment to brightening my day.
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:39 AM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]


Finger hovering over the Please flag discriminatory housing ads button
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:43 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


You have to be ok with any kind of animal walking in and out at any time especially the satanic pig BUT DEAR LUCIFER NO CATS.
posted by tofu_crouton at 10:49 AM on May 4, 2016 [8 favorites]


Also, srsly, most of the people I know with actual professional degrees don't want to pay $400 a month to live in a closet, even if it comes with the opportunity to donate their services to the common good.

It's pretty clear that they're not looking for most people.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:50 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


The whole thing is pretty amazing, but yeah, I completely lost it when they request a couch.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 10:50 AM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


Looks like Gilfoyle from Silicon Valley needs a roommate
posted by edheil at 10:56 AM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think it was a dude looking for a straight guy who hated housekeeping to move in to his spare room and order him around in a non-sexual way

The problem with that sort of living situation is that those sorts of subs are so damn tiring.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:05 AM on May 4, 2016 [12 favorites]


Tell me more about the Green Wing Macaw...
posted by Splunge at 11:21 AM on May 4, 2016


It's not that popular if I don't know it. I know all the popular birds here.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:23 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


MCMN pls to be responding to ad and meeting this people kthx
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:24 AM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


You have to be ok with any kind of animal walking in and out at any time especially the satanic pig BUT DEAR LUCIFER NO CATS.

I mean, that's maybe the one part of this that's not excessively fussy. The ad states that the current occupants have allergies. So, yeah, no cats. No matter how much Satan loves them.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:25 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Green-winged Macaw is just another name for the well-known Red-and-green Macaw.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:27 AM on May 4, 2016


THEY WILL OFFER YOU THE TASTE OF BUTTER.
posted by Artw at 11:33 AM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


Notice that they'd love to have a lawyer as a housemate? The jokes write themselves here.
posted by kozad at 11:44 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


THEY WILL OFFER YOU THE TASTE OF BUTTER.

DOST THOU WISH TO RENT DELICIOUSLY?
posted by maxsparber at 11:53 AM on May 4, 2016 [10 favorites]


I'm wondering how the pig is going to get along with the hypothetical pit bull.
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:53 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Based on observation, I've concluded that the #1 tenet of Satanism is "make sure everyone knows you're a Satanist; it'll blow their square minds".
posted by escape from the potato planet at 11:56 AM on May 4, 2016 [17 favorites]


> The ad states that the current occupants have allergies. So, yeah, no cats. No matter how much Satan loves them.

But it also states that they are allergic to vegans.
posted by jillithd at 11:57 AM on May 4, 2016


It's important we raise our pig-beast the right way; with Satanic values.

Flagged as miscategorized. Should be under jobs/education, title "Chthonic Swine Governess Needed".
posted by [expletive deleted] at 12:16 PM on May 4, 2016 [11 favorites]


Based on observation, I've concluded that the #1 tenet of Satanism is "make sure everyone knows you're a Satanist; it'll blow their square minds".

My Satanic CrossFit gym is just a smoldering crater now.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:20 PM on May 4, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'm wondering how the pig is going to get along with the hypothetical pit bull.

Myself, I'm trying to figure out if the small-dog exclusion is because it evokes memories of cats and thus psychosomatic allergic symptoms, or because the Satanic-values pig-beast is likely to eat it.
posted by Mayor West at 12:21 PM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


I used to live about three blocks from here. I wonder if it's the place next to the used car lot.



I'm also not ruling out Rago Brothers Funeral Home.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:23 PM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


Oh, man, how did I miss the last bit, about wanting someone who owns a couch and dishes? Dishes that, I might add, will need to be stored in your room or the back seat of your car (which I assume they'll also want to borrow periodically, because they're Into Non-Materialism). They can't live in the sink, for the love of Satan's cock!
posted by Mayor West at 12:27 PM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


Chthonic Swine Governess

Prospective user name Achievement Unlocked!
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:28 PM on May 4, 2016 [9 favorites]


Re: couches and dishes
To be fair, wanting a roommate who has their own seating and dishes is reasonable if you are a household that only has enough seating and dishes for themselves. Like, if I choose to live a life that involves only owning one bowl and an armchair, I'm gonna be pretty miffed if my roommate shows up and starts eating their cereal out of my bowl on my chair all the time.

How the ad poster reconciles that with a desire for "communal living" and possibly having a roommate who will agree to be the house chef in exchange for free (or cheaper) food is a more interesting question, of course.

I am also someone who knows that she can't do the roommate thing anymore because if I were to try to post an ad tailored to find someone who I was willing to live with, it would probably be just as long and unhinged: Good Candidates will have an appropriate sense of humor and will share with me funny YouTube clips but will not cause annoying YouTube clips to be played in the house with the sound up. Good Candidates will not have or voice opinions that are contrary to the house-definded methods of organizing the refrigerator. All Candidates must be willing to be social when I am in a good mood and retreat to their private spaces when I am not. Etc.... Thank god Mr. Motion is pretty much a psychic and a saint (and mostly has good taste in YouTube videos).
posted by sparklemotion at 12:36 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


To be charitable, the structural engineer thing could be for building actually sound BDSM suspension equipment. I have no idea how to hang anything from my ceiling and I'd want someone competent if I was going to try to suspend a human being.

I have no explanation for the rest of it.

And of course they're transhumanists.
posted by Hactar at 12:39 PM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm wondering how the pig is going to get along with the hypothetical pit bull.
posted by soren_lorensen at 1:53 PM on May 4 [+] [!]


Adorably, of course.
posted by Ufez Jones at 12:45 PM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]


Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if the rent for the entire place was below $1000.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:53 PM on May 4, 2016


I used to live a few blocks from there! I sublet from a pharmaceutical addict and while I was at work a heroin addict was reinstated into my room (something to do with Illinois renter-protection laws?), also there were five cats and everything was covered in urine.

But it was a hundred bucks a month cheaper!
posted by stirred for a bird at 1:17 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


I love how they lead with "You must love Satan" like that's a bigger hurdle than "You must be okay with one of our friends who doesn't even live here running a food dehydrator in our kitchen constantly".

Hey, c'mon, it provides a nice white noise that helps with sleeping, OK?
posted by theorique at 1:44 PM on May 4, 2016


Splunge: Tell me more about the Green Wing Macaw...

I'm pretty sure the Macaw is the one who wrote the ad in the first place. They're notoriously demanding, hold grudges, love dehydrated fruit, and they don't like cats. It's so obvious.
posted by AzraelBrown at 1:50 PM on May 4, 2016 [10 favorites]


I'm gonna need somebody to get me a screenplay treatment about Satanic Macaws on my desk by this time next week. (i have paid projects)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:55 PM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


WAIT WAIT WAIT you guys.

Long list of fussy arcane demands... parrot periodically visits...

You know who needs to reply to this ad?

RICHARD FUCKING STALLMAN

or is satanism incompatible with the GPL
posted by gusandrews at 4:35 PM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]


Like, if I choose to live a life that involves only owning one bowl and an armchair, I'm gonna be pretty miffed if my roommate shows up and starts eating their cereal out of my bowl on my chair all the time.

That's actually the plot of the first episode of the sitcom 15 Storeys High.
posted by veedubya at 4:40 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


For the love of Satan's cock, not in the sink.

This immortal admonition must be made into a sign, and that sign must be displayed in the break room at my workplace.
posted by virago at 5:41 PM on May 4, 2016


or is satanism incompatible with the GPL

This was previously a contentious issue within the free software community, but it has generally been resolved with the release of systemd under the LGPL.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 6:52 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


God, people, just use MIT.

Or, like, anti-God. Whatevs.
posted by Artw at 10:34 PM on May 4, 2016


The Venn diagram indicating both professional structural engineer status and a love for Satan must be fairly small.
posted by C.A.S. at 11:19 PM on May 4, 2016


There's that guy who built the Ghostbusters building.
posted by Artw at 6:26 AM on May 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


That wasn't Satan, that was Gozer.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:13 AM on May 5, 2016


That would be an ecumenical matter.
posted by Artw at 8:15 AM on May 5, 2016 [3 favorites]


So this is real? I just can't even conceive of anything close to this existing in real life. It's just so ... Silly and entitled sounding. I mean I was in a death metal band once but it wasn't a serious lifestyle . In another life this person would be like the most picky annoying yuppie of all time. Two sides of a coin . This latte is terrible !!
posted by freecellwizard at 8:45 AM on May 5, 2016


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