Well, a submarine is indeed a boat
May 6, 2016 10:19 AM   Subscribe

The NERC has decided to name their new science vessel the RSS David Attenborough, in defiance of their online poll. The onboard submarine will be given the regal name "Boaty McBoatface." Though the NYT insists that the Internet is pouting about the decision, the Internet mostly seems pretty happy with the compromise. [previously]
posted by 256 (55 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
It's the result I expected. Main vessel gets the dignified name, but they find something to name Boaty as acknowledgment.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:23 AM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


Attenboroughy McAttenboroughface 4 EVA!
posted by runincircles at 10:29 AM on May 6, 2016 [11 favorites]


RSS David Attenborough—surefire way to keep the internet appeased.
posted by little onion at 10:31 AM on May 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


If ever there were someone who deserved to win out over the internet poll for the ship's name, it's Sir David Attenborough. The sub's name is a great nod, though, to the masses.

I wonder if other parts of the ship will start getting cute names when it's time for repair... "Leftenant, check on Motor McMotorface - it's making a bit too much noise today!"
posted by mystyk at 10:33 AM on May 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


What's so undignified about the name Boaty McBoatface? If the Science Ministry did not intend to use the name that won the poll then they shouldn't have had a poll.
posted by Rob Rockets at 10:33 AM on May 6, 2016 [11 favorites]


Major Clanger on the previous thread called this exactly.
posted by rockindata at 10:34 AM on May 6, 2016


The boat really did look so much like a stereotypical boat, like a toy kid's boat. Boaty McBoatface really just fit it. I'd name a submarine "Glub Glub Glub" or something like that.
posted by Schmucko at 10:35 AM on May 6, 2016 [10 favorites]


With this decision, I have lost all respect for the NERC and Jo Johnson. Not that I actually had any before, but just think how much of my respect they could have gained. And the name would have been good for press attention every time they wanted to show off some research to the public throughout the entirety of the ship's lifetime. They had so much goodwill going and they squandered it for no particularly good reason.
posted by zachlipton at 10:39 AM on May 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


RSS Dickie is way more dignified.
posted by Artw at 10:40 AM on May 6, 2016


There's more than one submarine, and they are yellow, so if they did open up naming to the Internet for the rest I bet that blasted Internet would call them Ono, Mick and Keef. For the liulz.
posted by Devonian at 10:40 AM on May 6, 2016


Now to persuade Sir David Attenborough to change his name.
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:41 AM on May 6, 2016 [17 favorites]


Boaty McBoatface was funny for about 5 minutes but just became a reminder that you can't do nice things on the internet without 4chan or their ilk pissing on it.
posted by Flashman at 10:43 AM on May 6, 2016 [16 favorites]


Much as I love Boaty McBoatface, I can understand the Ministry's position and can appreciate the compromise. It's like naming a kid; you should try to prepare for all contingencies. Cutesy nicknames are fun and all, but say there was some kind of tragic accident and it became a ghoulish media laughingstock all because it took place on the RSS Boaty McBoatface. That would downright suck.
posted by Diagonalize at 10:43 AM on May 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


Even the guy who first suggested Boaty McBoatface is pleased with this, and says he voted for RSS Sir David Attenborough himself. We all knew there was no way they'd name the whole ship Boaty McB., so this is a nice compromise.
posted by easily confused at 10:43 AM on May 6, 2016


Next step is to paint Attenborough's face on the bow.
posted by Etrigan at 10:47 AM on May 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


If the Science Ministry did not intend to use the name that won the poll then they shouldn't have had a poll.

Oh, come on. Asking people for name suggestions does not mean they are obliged to use the internet joke that gets the most traction. The internet does not have to be obeyed.
posted by pracowity at 10:48 AM on May 6, 2016 [15 favorites]


Major Clanger on the previous thread called this exactly.

[Allows self brief moment of smug satisfaction]
posted by Major Clanger at 10:52 AM on May 6, 2016 [13 favorites]


I think we can agree on the compromise that is Sir David Attenboatface.
posted by ilana at 10:52 AM on May 6, 2016 [11 favorites]


I will continue call the Attenborough "Boaty McBoatFace" as an affectionate nickname.
posted by hippybear at 10:55 AM on May 6, 2016


I'm still mad it wasn't the RRS Pee Eee See Tee. Boaty McBoatface paled in comparison.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:56 AM on May 6, 2016 [20 favorites]


Boaty McBoatface was funny for about 5 minutes but just became a reminder that you can't do nice things on the internet without 4chan or their ilk spoiling everything.

You know, I don't at all think this is internet people trying to spoil anything. I think that holding a public poll to name a ship like this is a foolish PR move even if you know nothing about internet culture.

I've been a PR person, and if I was tasked with naming a science vessel and the name "Boaty McBoatface" occurred to me, my first thought would be "OMG that is the perfect name we have to use that" and then my second thought would be "it really does kind of undermine the seriousness of the mission though, and every headline about anything the vessel ever accomplishes will be half comedy, and OMG what if it sinks and we have to do a press conference."

Members of the public don't really have much reason to carry on to thought two. It's not malicious.

Which is what makes these polls so surprising. Obviously it was PR people who came up with the idea of the poll, but they didn't even introspect enough to realize that of course the public is going to choose the sort of hilarious name that the PR people think of, love, and then reject for practical optics reasons.

Unless of course generating all this attention, expecting a silly name to win, and then making this compromise was their plan all along. In which case, well played NERC.
posted by 256 at 11:00 AM on May 6, 2016 [10 favorites]


It's his 90th birthday on Sunday too, so that's a nice touch as well.
posted by bonehead at 11:01 AM on May 6, 2016


Obviously it was PR people who came up with the idea of the poll, but they didn't even introspect enough to realize that of course the public is going to choose the sort of hilarious name that the PR people think of, love, and then reject for practical optics reasons.

And this is, and I'm half-serious here, why everybody hates PR people. Life is occasionally better when "practical optics reasons" are ignored. Or at least more interesting and fun.
posted by zachlipton at 11:11 AM on May 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


Well, I don't disagree with you. But neither do I blame them for shuddering at the idea of having to go on a podium in front of the press and say "RSS Boaty McBoatface has been tragically lost in the Arctic Ocean, along with all crew."
posted by 256 at 11:18 AM on May 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


The Internet wants salad for dinner.
posted by infini at 11:25 AM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


While I can totally get behind naming it after Attenborough... there does seem to be a bit of a wasted opportunity here. Had they gone ahead with Boaty McBoatface, they would instantly have the most famous ship in the world, with lots and lots and lots of public interest in it -- which was presumably the point of having the contest, getting people interested in Science! A silly name, sure, but people would be invested in that name, having voted for it, and kids especially, would be eager to follow its Science! adventures.

Plus, you know, disdain for democracy and all that, blah blah blah.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:35 AM on May 6, 2016 [8 favorites]


Had they gone ahead with Boaty McBoatface, they would instantly have the most famous ship in the world, with lots and lots and lots of public interest in it -- which was presumably the point of having the contest, getting people interested in Science! A silly name, sure, but people would be invested in that name, having voted for it, and kids especially, would be eager to follow its Science! adventures.

This, exactly this. A zillion people around the world just turned off any focus or interest they had about this vessel and its mission and its discoveries the minute the name of the boat was announced. And that's sad. In a year, something in the news will appear about something that the Attenborough was involved in, and it won't even register in my mind. "Oh, another boat named after a white guy." If it was Boaty McBoatface, my brain would click in and I would actually read the article.

PR failure is PR failure. If you're too worried about "the optics", you don't truly understand what the world is doing these days.

(I'm 48 years old, so I'm not even all THAT in touch with what the world is doing these days... but on this point I feel I stand on solid ground.)
posted by hippybear at 11:44 AM on May 6, 2016 [8 favorites]


A silly name, sure, but people would be invested in that name, having voted for it, and kids especially, would be eager to follow its Science! adventures.

Kids and adults alike have seemed eager enough following Attenborough's Science! adventures for going on 50 years now without him being named Davey McAttenflobblebatch. As tempting as that programme title would be.
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:49 AM on May 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


4chan or their ilk pissing on it.

Damn those 4chan kids with their Boaty McBoatface. How lewd.
posted by amcevil at 11:51 AM on May 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


Dave deserves all the honours. You wouldn't expect to have such a profound awe and connection with nature while watching tv. The only time I've ever heard him angry was when he was asked about creationism. But the real story is so much better! he wailed.

Damn those 4chan kids with their Boaty McBoatface. How lewd.

A boaty is 20$, same as in town.
posted by adept256 at 12:06 PM on May 6, 2016


Yeah, it's all fun and games until (G'd forbid!) disaster strikes, and you end up with a cut-rate Gordon Lightfoot trying to eulogise them in song:

Now listen up lads, come-e-here, gather round
And thank heaven almighty you're on solid ground
As you think of the sorrow, and hear me expound
On the wreck of the Boaty McBoatface.

There were twenty-two crew all them brave, and all strong
How could doing what internet folks said be wrong?
But they, none of them, knew that it wouldn't be long
To the wreck of the Boaty McBoatface.

They were ten miles north-west of the southern ice coast
Where the waves were a torrent, wind howled like a ghost,
But twas growlers of ice-flow that worried him most,
The captain of Boaty McBoatface.

When she struck, called the captain "shut watertight doors!"
But, alas for them, that stern command was ignored,
While the crew made a cat play guitar with his paws,
The crew of the Boaty McBoatface.

Then came flooding in brine of bone shattering cold,
But the crew just kept filming, for 4chan had told
Them: that ice-water thing's viral video gold!
On the YouTube of Boaty McBoatface.

For they never ignored them an internet vote,
Even if it instructed them not to launch boats.
Or allowed a twerp, twelve-year-old gamer to gloat
O'er the fate of the Boaty McBoatface.

Back at NERC all they got was an unreturned ping,
None could find the good ship, not with Google nor Bing,
So of their loss we message board sailors will sing,
The Ballad of Boaty McBoatface!
posted by Dreadnought at 12:38 PM on May 6, 2016 [23 favorites]


And this is, and I'm half-serious here, why everybody hates PR people.

Not Zarq, we don't hate Zarq.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:11 PM on May 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


I think they should have named the sub Boaty McBoatface Jr. Since it implies the ship is in fact Boaty McBoatface, even if they can't officially call it that for Reasons.
posted by Zalzidrax at 1:20 PM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


These things Should absolutely all have Culture ship names.
posted by Artw at 1:23 PM on May 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm sure the Culture is up to GSV McGSVface XII by now.
posted by ckape at 1:29 PM on May 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


Not Zarq, we don't hate Zarq.

Zara knows what he did. *side eye*

joke
posted by hippybear at 1:29 PM on May 6, 2016


Was this a PR failure? They got a lot of attention, people had fun with it and, in the end they named it after a well-loved and deserving public figure. Most reactions I've seen today seem to be mostly ok with that. People seem to have found the whole thing kind of internet funny, and weren't entirely serious about the whole thing. On the plus side, I guarantee that a whole lot more Britons know about this polar explorer than, say Americains do about the four USCG is building or than Canadians do about the one our CCG is doing (of which I have Quite Strong Opinions that that is skirting true disaster).

I think the worst you can say about this is that NERC looks a bit sillier than they used to, but they've built a lot of recognition for the project, and perhaps come off as having a bit of a sense of humour about the whole thing. IDK. It's a decent success for government PR in my books.
posted by bonehead at 2:00 PM on May 6, 2016




Plus, you know, disdain for democracy and all that, blah blah blah.

If the "internet" had its way, a bunch of schools in Texas and animals in zoos would be named after Hitler. While the people involved certainly should have known that online polls will get trolled if they come under the eye of Sauron 4chan/SomethingAwful, and should have been sensible enough to have a set of names to vote on, having made that mistake they were correct not to compound it by indulging the trolls.
posted by tavella at 2:02 PM on May 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


I absolutely guarantee that this entire thing was not planned by NERC as a publicity stunt, nor did they come up with the Attenborough outcome which has Whitehall written all over it and was practically assured the moment Johnson stuck his oar in.
posted by cromagnon at 2:42 PM on May 6, 2016


This has made me lose a lot of respect for NERC and a little respect for David Attenborough for participating in this priggish censorship.
posted by zymil at 2:56 PM on May 6, 2016


Bad jokes in internet naming polls are a scourge. Sometimes a scourge for a good cause, like when the top choices to name a new Mountain Dew flavor were "Diabeetus," "Fapple," and the top suggestion "Hitler did nothing wrong", but when the top suggestion on namemydaughter.com was Cthulhu All-Spark... come on, assholes, you're insulting somebody's babby. There were decent enough names among the most popular picks for them to name her "Amelia Savannah Joy", but there inevitably will be some time when schoolyard bullies start calling her "Cthuey".

Oh, and all the "[blank]y Mc[blank]face" suggestions... It was funny once, a least try something original... wait, these are Internet Trolls whose last original thought was finding the ON button on their computers...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:53 PM on May 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


Spazzie McGee approves.
posted by veedubya at 5:05 PM on May 6, 2016


The fact that they didn't fall back to the second option (naming it after a baby that passed away from cancer) reaffirms my faith in Britain and its disdain for smarm and tacky sentimentalism.

Meanwhile, someone has started a petition to get David Attenborough to legally change his name to “Boaty McBoatface”.
posted by acb at 5:49 PM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


It seems the Science Ministry has once again managed to fulfill the true mission of all national-level science education and outreach efforts: teaching kids that science can never be fun.

I hate Boaty McBoatface. It's a dumb name. But it's not nearly as dumb as cowardly, half-assed public outreach. Not only did you make the incredibly silly decision to sign off on a public naming contest, but you actually manged to pull it off! A PR stunt that generates universally positive global press coverage, social media attention, and a winning name that is timeless, inoffensive, unrelated to branded entities, and makes kids smile is an astonishing victory; yet you still couldn't be bothered to take advantage of your success.

Boo. Double Booey McBooface on you, British Science Ministry.
posted by eotvos at 5:50 PM on May 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


. . .but when the top suggestion on namemydaughter.com was Cthulhu All-Spark... come on, assholes, you're insulting somebody's babby.
Is it really more insulting than holding an online naming contest to pick her name?

I think it's time to start putting together class action suits in response to these gimmicks. If you're not willing to name your baby Cthulhu All-Spark, you collected the ad revenue I generated by false pretenses. Perhaps if taste and common sense isn't enough to shut these ideas down before they're implemented, frivolous lawsuits can help.
posted by eotvos at 6:07 PM on May 6, 2016


Whatta buncha po-faced stiffs, did they learn about humourlessness from Scandinavians, who would probably have gone along with the goofy moniker and all of the promotional outreach benefits? Canada has some new research vessels in the works, maybe PM Trudeau ain't afraid of some wonky ship-branding opportunity?
posted by ovvl at 6:45 PM on May 6, 2016


Canada has some new research vessels in the works, maybe PM Trudeau ain't afraid of some wonky ship-branding opportunity?

Trudeau should go for the epic level troll and name one the Harper
posted by nubs at 7:49 PM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


So I was really puzzled by the people in this thread going "but democracy!" and "they don't understand fun!" and then I worked it out.

The difference in opinion we have, here, is the difference between people who know what ships are and people who don't know what ships are.

I mean, they think they know what ships are... they're like buildings, but they sit in the sea. And they're fun! Look at that big red boat! So pleasant and chunky like a bath toy! Oh, and they move around, but they're real slow, and they're full of sailors who are... I mean they're a funny sort of person, sailors. Did you ever wonder why they're so superstitious and obsessively careful, but when they get on land they just cut free and get drunk? What makes an entire group of people so wound tight and worried the whole time? Must be something to do with Tradition.

There's a reason that ship is so chunky and red. It's massively built, hugely over-engineered, designed to keep a crew as safe as possible in an environment of ferocious violence and utter hostility to human life. And even with the best technology we can provide, there's always a chance that the bones of the ice will move and casually crush that ship like a ripe berry, and there'd be nothing that anyone could do. And if that happens, there's a chance that the ship might be as far from the nearest human help as London is from New York City.

And the people who think they know what ships are because they've seen lots of pictures, and they were totally on a ferry once, those people will think that I'm exaggerating. They've heard people talk about mountainous waves and roaring wind and the treachery of the deep, and they think "what quaint poetic hyperbole". But maybe some of those people have experienced the terror of a really bad earthquake. And imagine that shaking, but it's much, much harder, and it goes on and on and never stops. And it's freezing rain outside, all the time, and if the ice builds up too much your slow, silly red building will topple over and kill everyone, so you have to go out in the heaving endless cold and cut the ice away with axes. And don't you slip should those big waves ship over the side and carry you away. Because if you're swept off the deck there's nothing they can do but try to get a boat out after you (if they can even see you) and you have minutes. Agonising minutes.

But yes, that silly name for the big, red silly boat that internet japesters picked really is amusing. And if you pick it for your ship, your ship that will sail for maybe twenty years at least, those fun internet people will celebrate for whole hours before they move on. Maybe they should call the shore support facilities Allyour Base. The joke is still very fresh.

So hello people who only think they know what ships are, but never really stopped to think about it! Greetings from the world of people who know what ships are. We're very glad you took an interest in this thing that exists in our world, and we're happy you take as much joy in it as we do. But just a word of gentle correction, a word you may render in 'Impact' font upon a picture of a glowering kitten if it makes the sentiment more accessible:

REEL SHPS R SRYUS BIDNES
posted by Dreadnought at 7:54 PM on May 6, 2016 [22 favorites]


I can't even....this is BULLSHIT!
posted by sfts2 at 8:17 PM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


Maybe we could call it Dicky McDickfa-

okay, maybe not.
posted by Artw at 2:10 PM on May 7, 2016


Which is his brother, even, so that joke doesn't even work. Okay, maybe if there were two of them. ..
posted by Artw at 2:11 PM on May 7, 2016




We shouldn't have any jokes because life is serious and hard and one day we'll all be dead. You'll be sorry that you ever considered laughing when we're all dead.
posted by Ned G at 2:30 AM on May 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


In the immortal words of Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib-Qwib
Our people have, during difficult periods, purchased pre-owned vessels from other cultures!
And have on occasion had difficulty altering the ship's registry information!
posted by Monday, stony Monday at 8:49 PM on May 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


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