You'll have an average lifespan. Don't be upset. Pray instead.
May 17, 2016 11:03 AM Subscribe
You're a fortune teller living in the Roman Empire. People keep asking you the same damn questions day after day, and it's hard to always come up with new answers. So you invest in a copy of the Oracles of Astrampsychus, a dice-based prophecy kit, containing 92 common questions and over a thousand possible answers. And here they are.
I am guessing that not many babies survived considering the odds on those questions. This baby is not profitable.
posted by Hazelsmrf at 11:17 AM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Hazelsmrf at 11:17 AM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I knew I should have become an agoranomos.
posted by yhbc at 11:23 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by yhbc at 11:23 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I see a storytelling game in here somewhere!
posted by Mogur at 11:27 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Mogur at 11:27 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
O great oracle, when shall my life see providence?
Fuck...
On Floor.
guys I think I got the wrong dice.
posted by griphus at 11:28 AM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Fuck...
On Floor.
guys I think I got the wrong dice.
posted by griphus at 11:28 AM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm interested in the inquiry "will I marry my girlfriend". Your basic introductory lessons about ancient Greek and Roman cultures teach you that romantic heterosexual love did not really exist between free and equal citizens, only between men and courtesans or dissolute married women, and did not lead to marriage. I always suspected that erased a good deal of lived experience, particularly among the lower classes.
not that I would ask this website's author about that part of human experience, I checked out his other topics, and, well . . .
posted by Countess Elena at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
not that I would ask this website's author about that part of human experience, I checked out his other topics, and, well . . .
posted by Countess Elena at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Is it safe? You're talking to me?
Is it safe? Is what safe?
Is it safe? I don't know what you mean. I can't tell you something's safe or not, unless I know specifically what you're talking about.
Is it safe? Tell me what the "it" refers to.
Is it safe? Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it.
Is it safe? No. It's not safe, it's... very dangerous, be careful.
Is it safe? Please stop. Please, stop.
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Is it safe? Is what safe?
Is it safe? I don't know what you mean. I can't tell you something's safe or not, unless I know specifically what you're talking about.
Is it safe? Tell me what the "it" refers to.
Is it safe? Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it.
Is it safe? No. It's not safe, it's... very dangerous, be careful.
Is it safe? Please stop. Please, stop.
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Reply hazy, try again.
posted by Naberius at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Naberius at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
The oracle answers include many unfavorable to the client. Among attainable answers to the question “Will my wife stay with me?” nine out of ten indicate that she will leave. Three answers reveal that the wife is leaving because she’s committing adultery.
As in the Oracle, as it is in AskMe ... if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.
posted by saucysault at 11:34 AM on May 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
As in the Oracle, as it is in AskMe ... if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.
posted by saucysault at 11:34 AM on May 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
Well, I guess this is more convenient than the way they used to do it at Delphi, by huffing a room full of ethylene in an enclosed space.
It's certainly not as enthralling, I guess, but certainly much more convenient and less side effects.
posted by chambers at 11:39 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's certainly not as enthralling, I guess, but certainly much more convenient and less side effects.
posted by chambers at 11:39 AM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Q. Will I be estranged from my girlfriend?Oh, oracle, you cad.
A. You'll be reconciled with your wife in a way you don't expect.
posted by Mayor West at 11:48 AM on May 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
This is a really great way to get that "The past is a foreign country" feeling. Some of the matter-of-fact answers:
"Don't rear the baby. I counsel you."
"You'll father a baby, but the baby will be unprofitable."
"The traveler won't return. He has married."
To the question "Will I be freed from servitude?" - "You won't be freed. Be silent."
"You won't find the fugitive. He has sailed away."
"The fugitive will escape your detection for a little while."
"You won't recover from your sickness. Settle your affairs."
"You won't marry your girlfriend now. She's become a prostitute."
"You'll be made a cleric and you'll become a pest."
And these two favorites:
"You have not been poisoned, but you have been bewitched."
"You haven't been poisoned. Why are you being irrational?"
Of course you shouldn't be irrationally worried about poisoning, but bewitching...
posted by blahblahblah at 11:48 AM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
"Don't rear the baby. I counsel you."
"You'll father a baby, but the baby will be unprofitable."
"The traveler won't return. He has married."
To the question "Will I be freed from servitude?" - "You won't be freed. Be silent."
"You won't find the fugitive. He has sailed away."
"The fugitive will escape your detection for a little while."
"You won't recover from your sickness. Settle your affairs."
"You won't marry your girlfriend now. She's become a prostitute."
"You'll be made a cleric and you'll become a pest."
And these two favorites:
"You have not been poisoned, but you have been bewitched."
"You haven't been poisoned. Why are you being irrational?"
Of course you shouldn't be irrationally worried about poisoning, but bewitching...
posted by blahblahblah at 11:48 AM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I feel like there should be a set of pint glasses with all the "Have I been poisoned?" answers etched on the bottom, like so.
posted by phooky at 11:52 AM on May 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by phooky at 11:52 AM on May 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Q. Will I remain an elder?
A. Your girlfriend won't remain with you. She desires someone else.
Not sure if their SQL query was missing a JOIN or something, but things are starting to go off the rails here.
posted by Mayor West at 11:53 AM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
A. Your girlfriend won't remain with you. She desires someone else.
Not sure if their SQL query was missing a JOIN or something, but things are starting to go off the rails here.
posted by Mayor West at 11:53 AM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Who can I contact to turn this into a Facebook-shareable quizzie game?
posted by miyabo at 11:56 AM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by miyabo at 11:56 AM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
"Profitable Babies" sounds like a horrible idea for CNBC/Fox Business reality show and I can't stop my brain coming up with premises instead of doing my real hob.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:03 PM on May 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:03 PM on May 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Whew. I was afraid I was going to see "can I eat this?" The diviners' arts shall never replace AskMe!
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:21 PM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:21 PM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Who can I contact to turn this into a Facebook-shareable quizzie game?
This baby will be unprofitable.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:34 PM on May 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
This baby will be unprofitable.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:34 PM on May 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Whew. I was afraid I was going to see "can I eat this?" The diviners' arts shall never replace AskMe!
No, but "Have I been poisoned?", "Will I survive the sickness?", and "Will I have a long life?" pretty well cover the inevitable follow-up questions.
posted by jedicus at 1:56 PM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
No, but "Have I been poisoned?", "Will I survive the sickness?", and "Will I have a long life?" pretty well cover the inevitable follow-up questions.
posted by jedicus at 1:56 PM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm curious what "unprofitable" meant in this milieu. Deformed? Unhealthy? Will die in infancy?
posted by tavella at 1:57 PM on May 17, 2016
posted by tavella at 1:57 PM on May 17, 2016
If I had to guess, maybe will die before adulthood -- i.e., will not return results for the investment you made in them.
posted by tavella at 1:57 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by tavella at 1:57 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
> not that I would ask this website's author about that part of human experience, I checked out his other topics, and, well . . .
Yeah, uh, I don't know what is going on here in general, but there is definitely a bit of a recurring theme.
(The theme is that women are evil and men are oppressed, in case you were wondering. I know you probably weren't, really.)
There sure is a lot of weird and interesting classical lit stuff going on around it, though. I have no idea how to evaluate any of it considering the ax-grindy-ness.
posted by brennen at 2:09 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah, uh, I don't know what is going on here in general, but there is definitely a bit of a recurring theme.
(The theme is that women are evil and men are oppressed, in case you were wondering. I know you probably weren't, really.)
There sure is a lot of weird and interesting classical lit stuff going on around it, though. I have no idea how to evaluate any of it considering the ax-grindy-ness.
posted by brennen at 2:09 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
sorry about the surprise MRA garbage, I heard about the Oracles in Mary Beard's SPQR (which is full of neat stuff like this) and this site was the only place I could find the actual full text online.
posted by theodolite at 2:14 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by theodolite at 2:14 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
theodolite, thanks for the reminder me that I have a copy of SPQR, and I got about as far as the intro text while on the bus home from the bookstore, and I should really figure out where it went and read the rest of it.
posted by brennen at 2:16 PM on May 17, 2016
posted by brennen at 2:16 PM on May 17, 2016
Is it time to consult the oracle?
You just did, here's my bill.
All other oracles are charlatans.
Reply hazy, try again.
If you are in any way unhappy with my service, please fill out a comment card.
posted by ckape at 2:17 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
You just did, here's my bill.
All other oracles are charlatans.
Reply hazy, try again.
If you are in any way unhappy with my service, please fill out a comment card.
posted by ckape at 2:17 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sheesh, get with the times. (It used to be called the Usenet Oracle... dates to the mid 1970s. And can be hella funny.)
posted by Twang at 2:23 PM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Twang at 2:23 PM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
"She'll have an unprofitably baby. Don't be distressed."
Whaaaat?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:48 PM on May 17, 2016
Whaaaat?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:48 PM on May 17, 2016
Even today it is still a good idea to mention a delay when predicting anything related to sailing.
posted by snofoam at 6:03 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by snofoam at 6:03 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Is the traveler alive?"
"The traveler isn't alive. He was poisoned."
Was this really a common enough occurrence that this should be one of only ten possible answers to this question?
Or, more likely, and looking at the other questions and answers — this oracle is just ... unnaturally preoccupied ... with poisoning. There seems to be quite a bit of poisoning going on in these questions and answers. Now I'm wondering if the Oracle is the Jessica Fletcher of the ancient world, with poisonings happening all around them yet no one becoming suspicious of them.
"Is the traveler alive?" "Dead. Poisoned. I know this because... um... I'm an Oracle."
"Will I inherit from my father?" "Yes. Soon. He'll be poisoned, poor thing."
"Can I be harmed in the business affair?" "It depends, are you susceptible to poison?"
"Will I be banished?" "You won't be banished. Don't be afraid. Be cheerful. You'll be poisoned."
"Have I been poisoned?" "You haven't been poisoned. Why are you being irrational?"
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:12 PM on May 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
"The traveler isn't alive. He was poisoned."
Was this really a common enough occurrence that this should be one of only ten possible answers to this question?
Or, more likely, and looking at the other questions and answers — this oracle is just ... unnaturally preoccupied ... with poisoning. There seems to be quite a bit of poisoning going on in these questions and answers. Now I'm wondering if the Oracle is the Jessica Fletcher of the ancient world, with poisonings happening all around them yet no one becoming suspicious of them.
"Is the traveler alive?" "Dead. Poisoned. I know this because... um... I'm an Oracle."
"Will I inherit from my father?" "Yes. Soon. He'll be poisoned, poor thing."
"Can I be harmed in the business affair?" "It depends, are you susceptible to poison?"
"Will I be banished?" "You won't be banished. Don't be afraid. Be cheerful. You'll be poisoned."
"Have I been poisoned?" "You haven't been poisoned. Why are you being irrational?"
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:12 PM on May 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Maybe there was just a lot of poisoning back then.
posted by brennen at 9:00 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by brennen at 9:00 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I mean, really, there probably was a lot of poisoning, right?
posted by brennen at 9:01 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by brennen at 9:01 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Will I be estranged from my girlfriend?
Your girlfriend won't become estranged, since she's being fed.
People who have girlfriends (or wives): This here is VERY important advice. FEED HER.
posted by Halo in reverse at 1:12 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your girlfriend won't become estranged, since she's being fed.
People who have girlfriends (or wives): This here is VERY important advice. FEED HER.
posted by Halo in reverse at 1:12 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Maybe there was just a lot of poisoning back then.
There was a lot more fatal illness than there is today, and on oracle can only profit from the implication that these illnesses were predictable and (perhaps) avoidable.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:45 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
There was a lot more fatal illness than there is today, and on oracle can only profit from the implication that these illnesses were predictable and (perhaps) avoidable.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:45 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
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