That's a lot of poo
May 17, 2016 9:05 PM   Subscribe

The making of me and you Just input your date of birth, sex at birth, height and weight, and choose the metric or imperial units that make most sense to you. And instantly find out: The chemical ingredients that make up you, and what your body is worth; How many atoms you are made of, and what can be made with them; How much wee, poo, sperm or eggs you have produced so far; And so much more.
posted by joedan (43 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
I have produced 16,616L of farts

I am taking a printout of all this stuff to my next performance meeting.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:16 PM on May 17, 2016 [41 favorites]


Uploading to Okcupid. Very cool; thanks for sharing
posted by soakimbo at 9:22 PM on May 17, 2016 [11 favorites]


forwarding this, shits taken prominently highlighted, to major publications in case they want a list of my accomplishments for a draft obit
posted by Collaterly Sisters at 9:23 PM on May 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


I love the factoid that a USB stick contains 25% more data than my genome! Looks like one gene is being called 40 KB? I'm hoping personality.ATGC is a little bigger...
posted by little onion at 9:26 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


At the top it says "sex" and at the bottom it says "sex at birth." Hmm.
posted by AFABulous at 9:27 PM on May 17, 2016


See this is the kind of stuff I think of some times that I mostly keep to myself.
Walking home at night and I'll be like "look at all these houses...imagine all the shit that's produced every day just in our neighbourhood alone" and my wife will look at me like who the fuck thinks of that.
posted by chococat at 9:34 PM on May 17, 2016 [17 favorites]


Funny, I would have guessed that I'd produced a lot more shit in my lifetime.
posted by dilaudid at 9:38 PM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


300,119 farts. Pardon me.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:46 PM on May 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Maybe the worst part of the cognitions involved the incredible volume of food I was going to have to costume over the rest of my life. Meal after meal, plus snacks. Day after day after day. Experiencing this food in toto. Just the thought of the meat alone. One megagram? Two megagrams? I experienced, vividly, the image of a broad cool well-lit room plied floor to ceiling with nothing but the lightly breaded chicken fillets I was going to consume over the next sixty years. The number of fowl vivisected for a lifetime's meat. The amount of hydrochloric acid and bilirubin and glucose and glycogen and gloconol produced and absorbed and produced in my body. And another, dimmer room, filled with the rising mass of the excrement I'd produce, the room's double-locked steel door gradually bowing outward without he mounting pressure. . . I had to put my hand out against the wall and stand there hunched until the worst of it passed.
posted by little onion at 9:50 PM on May 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


As a child I often wondered how much waste my body had made over the course of my life, to the point where I resolved that if I were ever given three wishes, one would be to see all of it in large tanks.

Today, that wish came true, or as close to true as it will ever be. Plus now I don't have to figure out what the hell to do with 14000 litres of piss and 2 tonnes of shit.

Thanks, BBC!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:53 PM on May 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


It says I've shed 400 eggs, someone alert some Republican governors! How dare I?!
posted by bleep at 10:01 PM on May 17, 2016 [16 favorites]


It says I've produced 739 oz of tears.

You know nothing about how I've cried!
Too many teardrops
For one heart to be crying

posted by BlueHorse at 10:09 PM on May 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Centrifuge 350,000 people and I'll achieve 1 ounce of uranium?

Let's see...36 ounces to a kilogram...

64 kilograms to an atomic bomb...

807 million people?!? Man, supervillaining just isn't as cost-effective as it used to be.
posted by greenland at 10:12 PM on May 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Has anyone ever figured out how to extract elements from a body? Asking for a friend.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:19 PM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


My APR is 3.21%!
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:34 PM on May 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Apparently I'm only worth $2300? That seems low. I'm sure if I put myself on the open market I could get more.
posted by um at 10:39 PM on May 17, 2016


Look at all the hydrogen I contain. That alone has got to be worth a few thousand to the right buyer.
posted by um at 10:44 PM on May 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Let's see what Doctor Malcolm has to say.
Doctor?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:11 PM on May 17, 2016


What's my carbon footprint?
posted by gucci mane at 11:23 PM on May 17, 2016


Is there a leaderboard?
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:01 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Apparently, my liver takes up the volume of 11.2 tennis balls. From this, I deduce that the BBC says I am either drinking too little or farting too much.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:04 AM on May 18, 2016


It's broken. My partner, Lady Quietbottom, has never farted.
posted by adept256 at 1:22 AM on May 18, 2016


If I could compress all of my atoms...my body would be about the same size as a red blood cell

My mind is officially blown. Also, apparently if I did nothing but rest all day my body would still burn up 2 pizzas. Yesssss!
posted by billiebee at 1:45 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm quite sure that my body contains more than 365 bananas worth of Potassium.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:27 AM on May 18, 2016


What can I make with the elements in me?
...
That's enough to make 4.0 million matches

That seems somehow... anti-climactic.

On the topic of shits, I distinctly remember, at the age of seven, sitting on the toilet one night unloading something particularly sticky and prodigious and being simultaneously horrified and depressed that I had a lifetime of that to look forward to.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 2:46 AM on May 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is fairly distinctive, but is it competing with commercial shit approximators? If so, it has to go!

I would have thought I could have filled more than one portable toilet by this stage, but I suppose that gives me something to aim for!
posted by asok at 4:16 AM on May 18, 2016


I have apparently farted enough to fill eight phone booths, but sadly there's no estimate on how much would fill one that's bigger on the inside. A FARTIS, if you will.
posted by zombieflanders at 5:40 AM on May 18, 2016 [11 favorites]


831,132 fl. oz. of farts? SUCH a lowball figure! I can fart that much in a single day if I slip up and eat dairy.
posted by briank at 6:01 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


You need to step it up, zombieflanders, I got 10 phone booths.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:02 AM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have apparently replaced my skin 666 times. Excellent; have my minions make ready for the next stage of the ritual, which will lead to the Ascension.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:34 AM on May 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


I've only sneezed 1,800 times in my life? Nah, I can reach that figure easily in one allergy season.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 7:38 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I have produced 618,167 fl oz of farts

how did it know i was vegan
posted by Kitteh at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Didn't Walter White and Gretchen flirt over this same list some years ago?
posted by jfwlucy at 12:35 PM on May 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Half a portaloo of bum batter in my lifetime? Please, I've done that in one afternoon in Phuket.
posted by lucidium at 2:04 PM on May 18, 2016


You need to step it up, zombieflanders, I got 10 phone booths.

I give up. Where are you guys finding the phone booths?
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:32 PM on May 18, 2016


little onion, what's that quote from?
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:35 PM on May 18, 2016


Well my children are SUPER INTERESTED in how many poops and farts they have produced, so this has provided us with almost a solid hour of entertainment!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:16 PM on May 18, 2016


Where are you guys finding the phone booths?

Pretty far down - section 4, "Body Builder", under "Bodily Functions" on the right side of the screen.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:49 PM on May 18, 2016


Someone needs to invent a Fitbit for pooping.
posted by um at 8:00 PM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Someone needs to invent a Fitbit for pooping.

I thought that was your partner. "I wonder how long I spend in the lavatory..."

"Last week, five hours and seventeen minutes. What is it you're doing in there?"
posted by maxwelton at 10:34 PM on May 18, 2016


4.7lbs of microbes! Hello and welcome little guest passengers! Tonight I give to you Sour Cream and Onion potato chips! Dancing always encouraged on the Lido Deck!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:46 PM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Wait, I was told a semen count was included. And considering the glazed-sheet nightmare of my teenage years, I'm expecting a number in the low billions.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:50 PM on May 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


gas estimate is laughably low which i can prove if the bbc will let me drink some milk in their offices
posted by poffin boffin at 2:09 PM on May 20, 2016


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