Teach The Controversy
May 29, 2016 7:11 PM   Subscribe

The Verge Review of Animals: Spiders

This column is part of a series where Verge staffers post highly subjective reviews of animals. Up until now, we’ve written about animals without telling you whether they suck or rule. We are now rectifying this oversight.

An attempt to counterbalance the favorable spider posts on MeFi.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (73 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I actually adore spiders, just for the record. This is purely an effort to be Fair And Balanced.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:12 PM on May 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


They play the role of Stalin in our war against the mosquitos.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 7:15 PM on May 29, 2016 [24 favorites]


Spiders are the earthly manifestation of true evil and should not be misjudged. They prey on fear and the dreams of innocents, and they want nothing more than to crawl on you and be ridiculously gross. They have eight legs, according to Wikipedia, and that's really disgusting.

Show me the lie.
posted by Collaterly Sisters at 7:17 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'll admit that some of these arguments have legs

Well played.
posted by yesster at 7:24 PM on May 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


>they want nothing more than to crawl on you and be ridiculously gross.

Untrue. They also want to fall on you from the ceiling.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:24 PM on May 29, 2016 [14 favorites]


They just want to be your friend.
posted by Doleful Creature at 7:28 PM on May 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


Sorry, there is nothing in this post that hasn't been said in a hundred NOPE comments on previous spider threads
posted by dhruva at 7:29 PM on May 29, 2016


I agree with spider advocate/biologist Catherine Scott:
This is not funny. Main argument is that spiders are "evil" and "gross." No, they are misunderstood, & this doesn't help @verge @jake_k
It's especially sad since spider lovers have made major inroads with all the news about peacock spiders.

BTW I'm a proud owner of seven spiders (Capable, Toast, Skitty, Bitty, Nux, Immortan Joe, and Mad Max) and they are totally harmless and awesome and I'm not biased or a spider hoarder.
posted by melissam at 7:31 PM on May 29, 2016 [48 favorites]


I love spiders. They build stuff. They're smart. Some of them look like little bug-kitties. I don't ever want to own one, though.
posted by codacorolla at 7:36 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


ok so my uncorrected vision is bad, really hilariously comically bad, and last night as i was about to get into the bath, glassesless, i espied something, a faint hint of a whisper of the very barest suggestion that something that was not bath water might be in the bath, perhaps waiting to slaughter me. my initial thought was "oh it's just a piece of hair from last time i washed my hair" but i knew, I KNEW IN MY SOUL, that this was what the spiders wanted me to think. so i put on my glasses and armed myself with the toilet brush (and then immediately disarmed because ugh i'm not putting the peepoo brush in my fucking bath) and crept over to the tub and there i beheld:

the tiniest itty bitty baby wolf spider who had drowned in my bath

it was very sad tbh

- fin -
posted by poffin boffin at 7:36 PM on May 29, 2016 [26 favorites]


I am in favor of spiders because they deal with bitey things that would suck my blood out by biting them and sucking their insides out. I consider this to be justice.
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:40 PM on May 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


Spiders have lots and lots of oral sex, so that's endearing.

(Pedipalps, look it up)
posted by Artw at 7:44 PM on May 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Spiders have more limbs for more hugs. Are you against hugs? Why do you hate hugs so much?
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:44 PM on May 29, 2016 [21 favorites]


Also: they are not wasps.

Because fuck wasps. When the wasp article comes there will be no defense.
posted by Artw at 7:46 PM on May 29, 2016 [16 favorites]


Oh, boy, is MetaFilter going to do another anti-spider post? Because wow that's not tedious as shit.
posted by barnacles at 7:46 PM on May 29, 2016 [10 favorites]


I try really hard to be like, "Oh, spiders are pretty cool, they can be our friends!" but two-year-old toddlerozzy is always like, "Ew, daddy, shpydah, ew, shpydah!" and secretly I think she's right.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:47 PM on May 29, 2016


They have eight legs, according to Wikipedia, and that's really disgusting.
Lots of things have eight legs. Are six legs ok? where is the line?

I first discovered spiders as a child and, like most people, immediately understood how terrible these creatures can be.

I do spider talks to kids in schools and they're usually fascinated.

Their method of catching and eating prey is basically insect torture.

As opposed to the human way, I suppose. Hello Factory farming.
posted by dhruva at 7:47 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


Have you seen the shot that paralytic wasps do? Again, fuck wasps.
posted by Artw at 7:48 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


Somebody needs to read Charlotte's Web and calm down.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 7:52 PM on May 29, 2016 [11 favorites]


Spiders have lots and lots of oral sex, so that's endearing.

(Pedipalps, look it up)


I know what pedipalps are and I'm scratching my head. Seems to me the spiders that have 'em are more into fisting than anything else. Unless you were referring to the lady spider eating her suitors, which I guess is sort of oral sex.

Have you seen the shot that paralytic wasps do?

Jägermeister?
posted by Sys Rq at 7:56 PM on May 29, 2016 [6 favorites]


is MetaFilter going to do another anti-spider post?

SHHHH! I'm using reverse psychology to bring out the arachnophiles, in case you hadn't noticed.

Ahem. Yes, I myself held this adorable scary Mexican redknee tarantula in my hand, and she was soft and fuzzy scary. Her name is Nora and she's fifteen years old. She lives in Victoria, BC.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:03 PM on May 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm using reverse psychology to bring out the arachnophiles

See this: one of the weirdest spiders I've ever come across.
posted by dhruva at 8:10 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


I like spiders, because if I have spiders, I don't have other bugs. So, I have a truce with spiders in my home, provided they stay out of the tub with me. For some reason, that's just over the line.

Though, when I was a teen, I had a spider make a nest in the corner over my bed, which was really cool, and then there were lots of spider eggs, which was cool, and then one morning I woke up with a crapload of spider bites, which was decidedly uncool.

So, spiders. Yeah.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 8:11 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


What the hell is that, dhruva?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:15 PM on May 29, 2016


When I am God-Emperor I'm going to cleanse the world of spiders and replace them with tiny pest Terminators. They will fulfill the same ecological role as spiders, but will be shiny, sinless chrome instead of evil and gross. When they're not busy killing pests they'll gather in small groups to sit on your table or knee and put on Shakespeare or Gilbert and Sullivan for your enjoyment.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:15 PM on May 29, 2016 [11 favorites]


Yeah, Tarantulas are kind of creepy and odd looking. Tarantula Hawk Wasps are what you get when pure evil learns to fly.
posted by Grimgrin at 8:17 PM on May 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Even as someone who actually quite likes spiders, the article reads as lightly amusing and benign on the whole, to me at least. A fair part of it acknowledges that spiders are decked out as heck in coolness properties. And the rest of it, especially that opening paragraph, is so hyperbolic that it doesn't register as a serious argument; an under-prepared grade 6 debate team could probably dunk on it with ease. For my part, I'm just loving all the, erm, positive spin spiders are generating in this thread.
posted by Collaterly Sisters at 8:20 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Look, I'm a pretty hardcore arachnophobe after a traumatic Girl Scout campout involving a tent infested with spiders. I was obsessed with bugs as a kid (and had much happier relationships with creepy crawlies of the six legged variety) so I am entirely intellectually aware of the benefits of spiders. That does not mean that I want them all to STAY AWAY FROM ME and that at times I want to enforce this particularly restraining order WITH FIRE. I do not "misunderstand" spiders. I understand them just fine. My lizard brain is just convinced they are gross and evil.

Two years of living in Australia in a poorly sealed house in the tropics has, out of necessity, increased my tolerance of spiders in my living space (and you know what, even if the giant damn huntsman spiders have to take ownership of my garden shed to keep the roaches under control, then I will accept that and simply decline to ever do garden work requiring implements another member of the household has not already retrieved from said shed) and as long as they keep to the corners and, generally, away from anywhere I sleep unsuspecting of things crawling in my ears or mouth or nose or anything else my phobia insists they want to do, that's fine, it doesn't mean they are any less GROSS AND EVIL if they are up in my business.

Random fun fact: I have never been a morning-bed-maker, because whatever, I'm just going to muss up the covers again that night, but then my husband told me white tip spiders (nasty nasty venomous ones here) occasionally get stuck among your bed linens during the day while exploring and he's found one in his bed previously so GUESS WHOSE BED IS IMPECCABLY MADE EVERY MORNING NOW I am so easily manipulated
posted by olinerd at 8:27 PM on May 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


heh. it's a Crytarachne inaequalis. It's one of those bird dropping mimic spiders, but this one apparently can move something underneath its skin. Super weird. Here's another video.
posted by dhruva at 8:30 PM on May 29, 2016 [3 favorites]




bird dropping mimic spiders

That is disgusting and fantastic!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:36 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Spiders are great. A cupboard spider has set up her nest in the ceiling corner above my shower, and over the past couple of months has laid three egg-balls, which all hatched and spilled out hundreds of little babby spiders. There is a male who hangs around nearby and hasn't been eaten yet - I suspect he is eating the babbies but I can't do a whole lot about that. Anyway, she's selected kind of a shitty spot for herself - especially now winter is upon us and there aren't a whole lot of insects running about, inside or outside my bathroom - so whenever there's a fly in the house I punch it unconscious and throw it up into the web for her to drink. I think she appreciates it.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:39 PM on May 29, 2016 [10 favorites]


I know what pedipalps are and I'm scratching my head.

How does that feel?
posted by JackFlash at 8:41 PM on May 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


Oh I'd almost forgotten about face mites. Thanks.

Metafilter: Grisly poop deaths.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:47 PM on May 29, 2016


Resident spiders are the best, at least if you live in an old house. Annoying houseflies, mosquitoes, they all fall to my spidery friends. Granted, you have to be tolerant of occasionally watching a spider wander across you while you are lying in bed reading, but I just shoo them on their way and go back to my book.
posted by tavella at 8:52 PM on May 29, 2016


we had a wolf spider set up shop in the evergreen by the electrical line.

Dude had tattoos.
posted by clavdivs at 8:55 PM on May 29, 2016 [12 favorites]


Today's Bizarro comic had an interesting take on anti-spiderism. And on his weekly blog about the comic, artist Dan Piraro noted: "Also worth mentioning is that a friend of mine is a world-renowned spider expert and tells me that you should never kill spiders in your home or catch them and throw them outside. They aren’t interested in people and provide a valuable piece of your home’s ecosystem––mostly by eating other bugs that are after us!"

And I responded in his comments: Thank you for finding expert-level justification for my practice of not bothering spiders in my home. Unfortunately, I still have to remove many (but not all) of the webs they build in order to avoid being called a crummy housekeeper (which I still sometimes fail at) and the spiders themselves sometimes fail at their job, based on how often I must take remedial action against cockroaches (Boric Acid. It works and isn’t toxic for everything else). Still, I think my tolerance of spiders is partly due to childhood reading of Spider-Man comics and the hope that if I were to get bitten, it would have positive effect, but I’ve never lived close enough to a good source of gamma rays.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:18 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Having read some of the other linked articles, I just want to say that martens are awesome. That is all.
posted by slkinsey at 9:23 PM on May 29, 2016


Lots of things have eight legs. Are six legs ok? where is the line?

Four. The line is clearly drawn at four, and at two. Four is the upper limit. Two is the lower limit. It is known.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:27 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


Two is the lower limit.

this antipirate sentiment has no place on metafilter sir, no place at all
posted by poffin boffin at 9:30 PM on May 29, 2016 [19 favorites]


Four. The line is clearly drawn at four, and at two. Four is the upper limit. Two is the lower limit. It is known.
posted by Ghidorah


And how many heads are the correct number, smart guy guy guy?
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:32 PM on May 29, 2016 [6 favorites]


So you're saying you hate dolphins and butterflies, then?
posted by Existential Dread at 9:39 PM on May 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh, please tell us more about butterflies. Because there's nothing wrong with butterfuckingflies....
posted by prismatic7 at 9:44 PM on May 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


antipirate sentiment

Two to four limbs or replacements/augmentations/cybernetic weapon systems for such.

So you're saying you hate dolphins and butterflies, then?

In hard times such as these, hard choices must be made. But yeah, if I ever wake up to a dolphin dropping from the ceiling onto my bed, I'll do my best to beat it to death with a rolled up newspaper. Just in case.

And how many heads are the correct number, smart guy guy guy?

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:48 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


melissam, what great pictures of your spiders. I really like the one of Nux hailing a cab. I haven't known anyone who kept spiders other than tarantulas as pets. Yours are very cute. What kind of camera do you use to get such good up-close photos and video of such tiny creatures?

A few years ago, my kids and I got a field guide to spiders and spent some time identifying the ones we found. It was fascinating. They still don't love spiders, but they appreciate them. If they don't want one in their rooms, we take them outside.

The other day, my 15-year-old was on his way to set something on a kitchen counter and a wolf spider, startled by him, ran to the edge and leapt off, spinning a thread behind it as it went. It was such an impressive stunt that, out of respect, my son decided the spider could keep living in the kitchen.
posted by not that girl at 9:55 PM on May 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


Why would people hate adorable, charming creatures like spiders. They have cool, delicate little legs, they are our allies in the war against mosquitoes, and they can make silk with their bodies.

I'm not saying there aren't evil, aggressive, mean spiders. But there are also evil, aggressive, mean dogs and cats (and humans!) and I don't see anyone using them as a reason to hate an entire order of animals, especially an order that asks for so little and gives so much in return.
posted by Cozybee at 10:07 PM on May 29, 2016 [7 favorites]


I don't own spiders, but at any given time there are half a dozen or so of them about the place. I shoo them out if they get as big as my hand, because at that point, not enough mosquitoes get in for them to be well fed. I have a giant trap spider in my garden, he makes getting rosemary an adventure. There's some new spider that that seems to be building a web tunnel between some branches, and a host of adorable fuzzy jumping spiders, in their formal dress of black and iridescent. The only spiders with which I will have no parlay is the brown recluse. Those bastards can die in a fire.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 10:18 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Spiders have lots and lots of oral sex, so that's endearing.

(PedipalpsOglaf, look it up)


NSFW
posted by adept256 at 10:26 PM on May 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


They have eight legs, according to Wikipedia, and that's really disgusting.

If it's not for you, fine. No-one is asking you to like barbershop quartets.
posted by adept256 at 10:30 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


Last year a spider I named "Peaches" took up residence in my garden on my peach tree. "Peaches" was a LARGE Argiope spider. I think not coincidentally, it was the only year I had any peaches (the fruit not the spider) survive the moth larva that usually destroy them.

For that and many, many other reasons. I am pro spider.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:03 PM on May 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


From the Red Panda review, I feel they left out an important factoid. See, the famous Futa-kun? He's at the zoo about fifteen minutes from my house. We went there years ago to see him (my first date with Ms. Ghidorah, actually), and he was at the height of his little fuzzy popularity. We went back a couple years later (where, uh, I asked Mrs. Ghidorah to marry me, because time is a flat circle) and there was Futa-kun and his since passed on mate, and they had two adorable little red panda babies. Except Futa-kun was in a separate enclosure, away from his offspring and beloved mate. When we asked why that was, the zookeeper cheerfully told us that male lesser pandas have a nasty habit of eating their offspring and must be kept separate.

Adorable, vicious, cuddly infanticidal maniacs.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:50 PM on May 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


I had a wolf spider take up residence in my office. Sometimes she would come out while I was conversing with a human visitor. I suspected she wanted to take part in our discourse but sadly we were unable to communicate. She did manage to unnerve most folks before eventually scurrying back into the shadows under my desk.

I try to be cool about it, but truthfully, I'm always a little bit afraid that she'll crawl up my pant leg.

I really really dislike spiders on a personal level. I know they're beneficial so I have to work extra hard not to freak the FUCK out whenever I see one. So I pretend they are my friends. It doesn't always work :(
posted by Doleful Creature at 12:20 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


I wish I had a desk spider that would scare people away.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 12:37 AM on May 30, 2016 [16 favorites]


If you haters want something to hate how about face mites? I would like Hollywood to explain right this very minute why these creatures have never been the inspiration for a horror movie.

I once made the mistake of subscribing to a Rosacea mailing list and it was basically "Hi, I was just diagnosed with Rosacea." "Welcome, you have face mites!" "What are face mites? *googles face mites* OMG I have face mites? Get them off! Get them off!"
posted by Room 641-A at 1:37 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


(I'm not saying face mites cause rosacea, I'm saying there are people with rosacea who are obsessed with face mites. Don't subscribe to their mailing lists.)
posted by Room 641-A at 1:39 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


Lots of things have eight legs. Are six legs ok? where is the line?

Man, check out Titus Crow over here. "Lots of things have eight legs, what's the big?"
posted by No-sword at 1:50 AM on May 30, 2016


agents of KAOS: I wish I had a desk spider that would scare people away.

Can we Kickstart Isabella Rossellini playing a desk spider/"arachnid assistant" in an episode of The Office?
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 2:53 AM on May 30, 2016 [2 favorites]


They also want to fall on you from the ceiling.

No, that's cabinet moth larvae.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:38 AM on May 30, 2016


Thanks not that girl, it's actually a simple clip on Iphone lens. There aren't a ton of jumping spider keepers out there (I know tarantula people in real life but no jumping spider keepers), but there is a vibrant online community. You can read more in our open source care sheet.
posted by melissam at 5:30 AM on May 30, 2016 [2 favorites]


Lots of things have eight legs. Are six legs ok? where is the line?

Four legs good! Two legs better! Six legs best
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:56 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


My first thought was "surely The Brunching Shuttlecocks covered this territory in 1999" ... and in fact not quite, but close enough.
posted by parrishioner at 6:34 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


I wish I had a desk spider that would scare people away.

I recommend the British House Spider. It's big, fast as hell and will run all over the place during its mating season. It's like having fearless creepy eight legged mice in your house.
posted by srboisvert at 6:35 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


Is this the spider dating website or should I go somewhere else if I want to date a spider
posted by beerperson at 7:28 AM on May 30, 2016 [3 favorites]


I like spiders alright, but last year I found a black widow with an egg sac next to my back deck, and now I have more sympathy towards the spider-haters. Especially those living in Australia; you guys get a pass.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:31 AM on May 30, 2016 [2 favorites]


I like spiders. What creeps me out are daddy-long-legs, which are not spiders, although eight-legged: they are in another Order, the Opiliones. My problem with them is that their legs are long. Also, that another name for them is "harvestmen". I don't see why Stephen King hasn't already published a novel about them called "The Harvestmen". Reading the Wikipedia entry does comfort me in that it confirms that they aren't poisonous, but it contains many unquiet facts: 'Opiliones can swallow chunks of solid food, not only liquids"; "there are eyeless species... from caves"; "secrete a peculiar smelling fluid when disturbed"; and finally: "they detach their legs, which keep on moving for a period of time after, presumably to distract predators".

Nope nope nope.
posted by acrasis at 7:37 AM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


There was a Wolf Spider crawling outside my dining room window a couple nights ago that was so big we could hear it humming a Duran Duran song.
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:09 AM on May 30, 2016 [7 favorites]


Jumping spiders are the best, though. They're the Siberian Huskies of the arachnids.
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:19 AM on May 30, 2016 [4 favorites]


I saw two wolf spiders last night, both pointed out to me by the cat.

The one in the living room I left alone. The one next to my bed, however, I had to dispatch to the toilet posthaste. My heart was beating very fast after that.
posted by Stewriffic at 9:56 AM on May 30, 2016


Glowing baby spider eyes. So cute! Be sure to view full-screen.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:01 AM on May 30, 2016


I am a friend to spiders. This one time a spinybacked orbweaver took up residence right by my garden spigot and I chatted with her every time I went out to water the plants. She was a good listener. Then, a short time later, the spinybacked orbweaver was featured on a postage stamp and I was all like "Hey, I know that spider" and it was really cool because my spider friend was famous.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:12 AM on May 30, 2016 [5 favorites]


heh. it's a Crytarachne inaequalis. It's one of those bird dropping mimic spiders, but this one apparently can move something underneath its skin. Super weird.

Are you sure the thing moving inside it isn't a parasitic worm? It looks sort of wormy, is all, and also...well, I'll let you google the classic "spider worm" video for yourself. Enjoy!
posted by Sys Rq at 1:23 PM on May 30, 2016 [2 favorites]


That reminds me I need to pick up some ramen for lunch tomorrow.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:28 PM on May 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


That marten review is pretty great; contains the following: "Like most wily criminals, martens are mainly active at night — likely because this is when it’s easiest to graffiti neighborhood buildings without getting caught." and a delightful use of "weisenheimer".
posted by sweetmarie at 10:05 AM on May 31, 2016


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