And you could have it all... my empire of flavor...

June 7, 2016 10:58 AM

It's a story of self-destruction, a wrenching reflection at the end of a life lived simultaneously too well and infinitely poorly, a lamentation of the pursuit of one more hit, hoping and fearing that this might be the one that kills you... set to Johnny Cash singing "Hurt".
posted by Etrigan (41 comments total)

What have I become
My donkey sauce
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
posted by GuyZero at 11:02 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

Now someone just has to mash up this video with the last scene from the last Rick and Morty finale and we'll hit Hurt Singularity
posted by Itaxpica at 11:08 AM on June 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

I found my husband watching this and laughing hysterically this morning. I just shook my head and went to make myself some tea.
posted by Kitteh at 11:09 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

But I shot a show in Reno,
Just to eat the fries.
And when I hear those cameras rollin'
I dip my bread and cry.
posted by codacorolla at 11:17 AM on June 7, 2016 [15 favorites]

This is pretty much the best thing ever, thanks, Etrigan.
posted by jferg at 11:20 AM on June 7, 2016

To be fair the guy does have a head like a hole
posted by phooky at 11:22 AM on June 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

Now he's down in it.
posted by jferg at 11:24 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

He hasn't quite nailed it, but he's definitely getting closer.
posted by ElDiabloConQueso at 11:26 AM on June 7, 2016 [5 favorites]

I tried to take a survey of his eating method: Guy uses chopsticks 5 times, a fork 18 times and his hands 58 times. So when visiting Flavortown, eat with your hands.
posted by peeedro at 11:28 AM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

Something something something burning ring of fire something
posted by The Whelk at 11:38 AM on June 7, 2016 [7 favorites]

Really it would be equally terrifying with any song. You could mash this up with Alvin and the Chipmunks and it would give me nightmares.
posted by bondcliff at 11:39 AM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

He's feeding on a downward spiral.
posted by Benway at 11:39 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

So when visiting Flavortown, eat with your hands.

Just be careful not to bite the hand that feeds!

And while you might want to indulge in a little Munch of the Pigs to find The Perfect Dog, your high sodium levels mean that's Something You Can Never Have, Mr. Self Destruct.
posted by phooky at 11:47 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

"And I heard, as it were, the noise of frying
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and eat.' and I ate, and beheld a White Castle."

There's a Guy goin' 'round takin' lives
And he decides who will diner and who will dive
Everybody won't be served Vegas Fries
There'll be some golden arches reachin' down
When the Guy comes around.

posted by zamboni at 11:57 AM on June 7, 2016 [11 favorites]

You could mash this up with Alvin and the Chipmunks and it would give me nightmares.

But who would do such a thing?
posted by borkencode at 11:59 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

That guy has funny hair.
posted by beerperson at 11:59 AM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

The guy who does a take into the camera at around 2:02 got me pretty good.
posted by mhum at 12:11 PM on June 7, 2016

I've eaten things you people wouldn't believe. Takis chips on fire off the smolder of a fry-in. I watched sea-breams fritter in the park near the tan Schnauzer sausage plate. All those moments will be lost in time, like beers...in...flame. Time to diet.
posted by seasparrow at 12:56 PM on June 7, 2016 [6 favorites]

My rear end is a burning ring of fire.
posted by Mcable at 1:01 PM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

"And I heard, as it were, the noise of frying
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and eat.' and I ate, and beheld a White Castle."

There's a Guy goin' 'round takin' lives
And he decides who will diner and who will dive
Everybody won't be served Vegas Fries
There'll be some golden arches reachin' down
When the Guy comes around.

FINISH IT!
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:13 PM on June 7, 2016

Guy Fieri eating to "This Guy's In Love With You," written by Burt Bacharach and performed by Herb Alpert.
posted by Lyme Drop at 1:17 PM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

"This video is not available"

Goddammit! Looks like a good one. If we leave the EU can we join with whatever country owns all the good youtubes?
posted by billiebee at 1:27 PM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's good, but Guy Fieri is nominally enjoying every bite, and that creates for me a dissonance with the angst of the music.

So I'm thinking a similar treatment, but with Adam Richmond of Man vs. Food , or maybe the judges from Worst Cooks In America, because those people truly, TRULY, know what it is to hurt.

(And yes, I probably have watched too many cooking shows, and still can't cook worth a damn. ;)
posted by Jefffurry at 1:33 PM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

I want to eat you like an animal
I want to feel you in my insides
I want to eat you like an animal
My whole existence is slawed
You get me closer to god
posted by drlith at 1:41 PM on June 7, 2016 [5 favorites]

It's good, but Guy Fieri is nominally enjoying every bite, and that creates for me a dissonance with the angst of the music.

"If Guy Fieri were smarter, he would be very sad." -- my wife, last night, watching this video.
posted by gauche at 1:43 PM on June 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

"Hurt" has the power to make me sad with just a few opening bars. Even when set in the culinary dojo of flavortown. That seems to make it even sadder somehow.
posted by Roger Dodger at 2:15 PM on June 7, 2016

It's good, but Guy Fieri is nominally enjoying every bite, and that creates for me a dissonance with the angst of the music.

How about this audio over the .gif of drunken David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger?
posted by spacely_sprocket at 2:54 PM on June 7, 2016

one of the things that really humbles me about my own ability to comprehend the world and human nature is reflecting on the fact that some people, somewhere, decided that making a TV show where you watch Guy Fieri eating things would not be a career and network ending catastrophe -- and they were right

that, my friends, that is some serious ontological donkey sauce dripping down the goatee of self-doubt
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:58 PM on June 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

It's good, but Guy Fieri is nominally enjoying every bite, and that creates for me a dissonance with the angst of the music.

I thought the singer represented his heart and/or digestive system.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:17 PM on June 7, 2016

My favorite guy in this video is the chef who appears at least twice and both times seems sincerely concerned that Fiery is about to bite through, and then presumably swallow, his chopsticks.
posted by penduluum at 3:52 PM on June 7, 2016

Started watching the video, but very quickly got distracted by reading the Reznor interview on how he felt "Hurt" was no longer his after watching Cash's video, and then started reading up on the song in general with the Cash version playing in the background, and only remembered Guy Fieri was in it when at the very end his voice pops up again.

In summary, just go listen to "Hurt" again.
posted by chrominance at 3:55 PM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's funny because he is of a lower social class than you!
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 4:01 PM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's funny because he is of a lower social class than you!

Yes, we here who breathe the rarified air are certainly of a higher social class than the multi-millionaire restaurateur/TV host who buys cars as a hobby. You have our measure! Tally ho!
posted by haileris23 at 6:54 PM on June 7, 2016 [14 favorites]

Pretty sure it would be just as funny if it were George Will chomping down on a seemingly eternal succession of unidentifiable fried monstrosities, but that might just be me.
posted by Etrigan at 7:09 PM on June 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's funny because he is of a lower social class than you!

I mean....I assume he makes.....just talking out of my ass here but AT LEAST 10x the amount I make per year...

but yeah, I am classier.
posted by the bricabrac man at 7:42 PM on June 7, 2016

I feel like this song illustrates the real Guy Fieri. He is revealed as a laughing-on-the-outside, crying-on-the-inside type clown, dying a little more with every bite. If you watch his expression carefully, you can see him wince each time. He covers it quickly, but it's there.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:19 PM on June 7, 2016

That guy has funny hair.

Can confirm. I cosplayed as him once. After I was done, I had to shave 90% of it off and dye it a different color to feel clean again.
posted by radwolf76 at 8:34 PM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

Sure, it's all fun and games now, but if you want to truly experience what this song represents, watch this version set to Artie Lange's greatest hits.
posted by phibetakafka at 9:15 PM on June 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

That video makes me hurt.
posted by bendy at 10:45 PM on June 7, 2016

I fell in love with Trent the first time I heard Hurt, the Johnny version made me cry lonesome tears, this bloviating bro with his backwards sunglasses and his cherry red overfed smashable sneer is not worthy of this song.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 5:39 AM on June 8, 2016

Well, I mean YouTube has already killed it, so you don't have to be upset for long, I guess.
posted by Imperfect at 6:54 PM on June 8, 2016