Bed & Bees
June 9, 2016 7:08 PM   Subscribe

Sleep with your bees! As detailed in the October 2015 issue of the American Bee Journal, sleeping in a beehive can purportedly have beneficial effects on your mind, body, and planet. Now, Horizontal Hive have published instructions for building your very own horizontal beehive/bed.

NB: I was unable to verify the author's citation for an article in the American Bee Journal. YMMV.
posted by schmod (53 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
Step 8. Flip the hive over

OK, knock it off, this isn't funny any more. It's getting scary.
posted by SNACKeR at 7:12 PM on June 9, 2016


It looks like a coffin, which I suppose is convenient.
posted by mochapickle at 7:12 PM on June 9, 2016 [24 favorites]


Its one inconvenience is that children would not be strong enough to raise the lid on their own so you have to help them in and out.

What could possibly go wrong? Other than the possibility of a crack that swarms your sleeping area with bees?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:12 PM on June 9, 2016 [9 favorites]


To be fair, it's a really great way to get a jump-start on your nightmares before falling to sleep.
posted by schmod at 7:13 PM on June 9, 2016 [9 favorites]


Missing the coveredinbees tag.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:16 PM on June 9, 2016 [10 favorites]


Purportedly?

It's all of the woo with 500% more nope.
posted by stevis23 at 7:26 PM on June 9, 2016 [10 favorites]


Well I like bees and everything, I think they are neat as hell, but I mean if I am going to be sleeping inside a big box of bees I'd want to at least throw down a swag or something and have a little lamp I could read by and a little shelf for my water glass.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:30 PM on June 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm confused, is nudity a prerequisite to sleeping on upwards of one hundred thousand bees? I understand your pajamas or bikini or whatever else you'd wear for your bee-powered longhouse vision quest aren't going to provide much protection, I just don't like the idea of my most intimate areas presented to my Apidaen neighbors.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:30 PM on June 9, 2016 [11 favorites]


At the Bee Journal editorial roundtable they're all "What's new with bees this month?" and the answer is "Well they're still dying but this one guy wrote in with an article about how they also can be a nice mattress."
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:32 PM on June 9, 2016 [19 favorites]


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 PM on June 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


Ok can I have this but with fluffy kittens instead of bees
posted by a strong female character at 7:36 PM on June 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


How is this not from Liartown?
posted by adamrice at 7:38 PM on June 9, 2016 [11 favorites]


As detailed in the October 2015 issue of the American Totally Not Sentient Insect Propaganda Journal, rubbing throbbing nests of daddy long legs all over your face gives you great skin and a vibrant energy boost to kick off your day.
posted by Behemoth at 7:46 PM on June 9, 2016 [21 favorites]


A professional beekeeping buddy of mine says, "that's just weird".
posted by Confess, Fletch at 7:50 PM on June 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


Also putting a fistful of wasps in your pants is good for you because it heightens your appreciation for not having a fistful of wasps in your pants
posted by a strong female character at 7:55 PM on June 9, 2016 [39 favorites]


The lede is buried pretty far here:

If you lie down on the planks with your bare skin, the planks may stick to your body when it perspires, strongly enough to be lifted when you rise. This would release the bees into your chamber. So move your body sideways before rising, to detach any planks.
posted by Krawczak at 7:57 PM on June 9, 2016 [33 favorites]


If you lie down on the planks with your bare skin, the planks may stick to your body when it perspires, strongly enough to be lifted when you rise. This would release the bees into your chamber.

That seems like a pretty serious design flaw. They do suggest a sheet, but still .
posted by Fig at 8:00 PM on June 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


(the one time I didn't preview!)
posted by Fig at 8:01 PM on June 9, 2016


I would love to see your designs and hear about your experiences.
would you like come up and see my etchings... of BEEEEESSSS!
posted by ennui.bz at 8:03 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


So this is the "green" version of Magic FingersTM!
posted by kinnakeet at 8:07 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


So, thanks to a previous FPP, I've been playing Fallen London. This bed would fit perfectly into Fallen London. Only you'd probably be sleeping on bats instead.
posted by thomas j wise at 8:10 PM on June 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


Nicholas Cage and bear costume not included.
posted by benzenedream at 8:25 PM on June 9, 2016 [7 favorites]


4209 Ave B, 78751. "The Beehive". heh.
posted by buzzman at 8:34 PM on June 9, 2016


You know... If you're really gonna do this right...
Seems to me the sleeping chamber really ought to be hexagonal. Maybe made of plexi so you can see the bees, which should surround you on all sides. Seal the chamber with a panel of wax, so come morning you can bust your way out just like a lil' drone. That's how you sleep with bees.
posted by ecorrocio at 10:35 PM on June 9, 2016 [20 favorites]


This of course is just the first step to total relaxation. Next we put you in our specially hand-woven wicker man bed. Toasty warm!
posted by happyroach at 10:45 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


This is a CSI episode waiting to happen.
posted by romakimmy at 11:56 PM on June 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


Brought to you by EpiPen.
posted by mosk at 11:56 PM on June 9, 2016 [17 favorites]


Yeah, I think figured out what Fantasy is getting played out here, and why.
posted by boilermonster at 12:16 AM on June 10, 2016


All I can think of is how Granny Weatherwax would respond to this...
posted by kalimac at 1:52 AM on June 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


No.

No. No. No.
posted by sio42 at 3:07 AM on June 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Next: Sleeping with your fishes
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:10 AM on June 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


I actually like the idea of hearing and even feeling the hive next to you. It is the tiny confined not long enough for a human sarcophagus part that I think is insane.
posted by InkaLomax at 4:28 AM on June 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Bed, Bath & Bee-yond?
posted by GameDesignerBen at 5:23 AM on June 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


"If only I didn't need the bees to masturbate!"
posted by briank at 5:46 AM on June 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


I'll wait for the Oprah Magazine endorsement.
posted by srboisvert at 6:10 AM on June 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Give me a fucking break. First off, Missouri doesn't have Africanized bees. So there's that. Second, there's a reason I put on a full bee suit every time I even peek into my hive. I love listening to the bees buzz in there, and I have close to 100,000, but again, full suit, every time.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:28 AM on June 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Apart from everything else: who in their right mind considers something made of wood, with no padding of any kind, to be a bed?
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:35 AM on June 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Instead of a sarcophagus, how about a four-poster-bed type affair with double layers of bee-proof mesh instead of curtains? That way you'll be sleeping in a much less claustrophobic space with more room for the angry bees when you roll over in your sleep.
posted by Mocata at 6:52 AM on June 10, 2016


Here you go: just put a heating pad in your bed and play this.

For a less nightmare-inducing version, you can play this one instead.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:55 AM on June 10, 2016


Shouldn't this have been published in the April issue of the American Bee Journal? Like most people, it only takes a single mosquito circling my bed to keep me up at night; I'm not sure that thousands of bees would be better.
posted by TedW at 6:56 AM on June 10, 2016


Will you leave the bees alone? They have their own problems. Poor little fuzzy-buzzies.
posted by Splunge at 7:04 AM on June 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Gob is at it again.
posted by scrittore at 7:08 AM on June 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


That poor poor child. "Can't sleep, bees will eat me. Can't sleep, bees will eat me...."
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 7:33 AM on June 10, 2016


I have spent a fair amount of time messing around honey bees. But nope. Wouldn't catch me in that coffin bed.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:40 AM on June 10, 2016


If I tried it, I'm pretty sure it would go something like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1GadTfGFvU
posted by Foosnark at 8:22 AM on June 10, 2016




Yup, this is weird. But I *kind of* get the appeal. we have three hives at home (well, four now, because mr dbmcd just split a hive), and there's something mesmerizing about standing near the hives and just...watching. The sound and smell is delightful, and the bees are so damn busy. On a warm day when nectar flow is 'on' the sound is LOUD too (...the bee loud glade...), but at night I can imagine it would be a very soft hum - they move their wings enough to continue to evaporate nectar into honey, and to ventilate the hive, but no movement in/out of the hive.
I don't understand why one would have to close the lid in the summer - I think the mosquito netting suggestion above would work just fine.
posted by dbmcd at 11:26 AM on June 10, 2016


Hmm..........
posted by beefetish at 4:34 PM on June 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


I think we've finally discovered what the Beyond in "Bed Bath & Beyond" refers to.
posted by duffell at 4:11 PM on July 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


BEES?
posted by a strong female character at 6:23 PM on July 6, 2016


BEADS.
posted by duffell at 6:34 PM on July 6, 2016


BEADS?!?!!
posted by a strong female character at 7:33 PM on July 6, 2016


a strong female character's not on board.
posted by duffell at 7:34 PM on July 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


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