The gathering
June 17, 2016 3:07 AM Subscribe
Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service..us.
posted by briank at 3:22 AM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by briank at 3:22 AM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
OP vid has wrong audio. Fixed version here.
posted by quinndexter at 3:31 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by quinndexter at 3:31 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
It seems like Guy N. Smith’s recent re-issue of his classic Crabs books was eerily timely: ‘A Frenzied Feast of Crustacean Gore and Dismemberment’ indeed…
posted by misteraitch at 3:34 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by misteraitch at 3:34 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
One of the crabs was scratching his cheek!
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:36 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:36 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Giant spider crabs. Right, like the ones as big as a man off the coast of Japan. So that ray is larger than a couple of city buses. Wow!"
posted by maxwelton at 3:49 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by maxwelton at 3:49 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
More about the Port Phillip Bay spider crabs.
posted by Coaticass at 3:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Coaticass at 3:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
"It's Tradition Days down by the Marsh Family Discovery Pier! C'mon down and spend a day with what you call a family beneath the boiling red skies. Anoint yourself with sacred oils and select which child you wish to carry on your family's obligations. When the moon rises high over the bay, feel the joy and love of our Dark Father as his clacking army rises from the tide and washes over you, rending each morsel of flesh with their flaying claws. You will be reborn as a crab in endless service, the lone spark of what was once your soul content in the knowledge that someday you too will strip the flesh from your own children."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [30 favorites]
Sorry, Page not Found
But the best part is, they shell THEMSELVES.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 3:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
But the best part is, they shell THEMSELVES.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 3:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Whoa. That is some serious crab action. Reminds me of a crab story.
One night I was driving the length of Ocracoke Island on the North Carolina Outer Banks, racing to make the last ferry to Hatteras, when I realized with horror that the road ahead was covered with crabs slowly making their crabby way from the sound to the beach. We're talking thousands. The road was covered with them. Crabs don't respond to headlights or a horn. I had to drive over them. It was a nightmare and I felt like a monster. Not sure how many I killed that night but I can still hear the sounds they made.
I can eat blue crab forever, but the night of the great crab massacre haunts me still.
posted by kinnakeet at 3:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [35 favorites]
One night I was driving the length of Ocracoke Island on the North Carolina Outer Banks, racing to make the last ferry to Hatteras, when I realized with horror that the road ahead was covered with crabs slowly making their crabby way from the sound to the beach. We're talking thousands. The road was covered with them. Crabs don't respond to headlights or a horn. I had to drive over them. It was a nightmare and I felt like a monster. Not sure how many I killed that night but I can still hear the sounds they made.
I can eat blue crab forever, but the night of the great crab massacre haunts me still.
posted by kinnakeet at 3:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [35 favorites]
> I had to drive over them
*crunch*crunch*crunch*crunch*
posted by thewalrus at 4:16 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
*crunch*crunch*crunch*crunch*
posted by thewalrus at 4:16 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Yes. Just like that, thewalrus.
OMG THE HORROR
posted by kinnakeet at 4:28 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
OMG THE HORROR
posted by kinnakeet at 4:28 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Australia? I bet they're all poisonous, too.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]
Hundreds of hours of Morrowind have prepared me for this moment.
posted by aw_yiss at 5:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by aw_yiss at 5:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]
Begin Phase II.
posted by duffell at 5:08 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by duffell at 5:08 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
"I had to drive over them. "--You have achieved near sainthood among many of the feathered friends you acquired that night. The date is etched in many bird brains.
posted by rmhsinc at 5:16 AM on June 17, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by rmhsinc at 5:16 AM on June 17, 2016 [16 favorites]
Gathering to mark the passing of the Bramble Cay melomys.
posted by plep at 5:23 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by plep at 5:23 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is bring back memories of a short story I read as a kid in one of those horror anthologies things where someone was marooned? washed up? on an island and *stuff happened* and basically ended up being eaten by giant crabs.
So that was a memory I'd like to have not unearthed especially as it's going to annoy the heck out of me if I can't find the story again. May have to askme this now.
posted by halcyonday at 5:24 AM on June 17, 2016
So that was a memory I'd like to have not unearthed especially as it's going to annoy the heck out of me if I can't find the story again. May have to askme this now.
posted by halcyonday at 5:24 AM on June 17, 2016
So there should be other gatherings too right? Like rays should be all over that. Then there should be whatever makes use of all the shells.
posted by srboisvert at 6:00 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by srboisvert at 6:00 AM on June 17, 2016
It wasn't until the lobsters were upon us that we realized the crabs had been a mere diversion. By then, though, it was too late to save humanity.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:02 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 6:02 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Crabmoot
posted by dumbland at 6:09 AM on June 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by dumbland at 6:09 AM on June 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
Thank God it wasn't clams.
(Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo, Clamzo me boys Clamzo ...)
posted by octobersurprise at 6:11 AM on June 17, 2016
(Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo, Clamzo me boys Clamzo ...)
posted by octobersurprise at 6:11 AM on June 17, 2016
Many years ago, in Máncora, northern Perú, I was staying in a crappy surfer hostel and decided to go out for a stroll on the beach. It was dark. As I walked on the sand, I started to notice a certain movement, like the sand itself was shifting. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by what to any sane person would look like an infestation of giant spiders all around me, crawling over each other and my feet.
At some level I knew they were crabs, at another I screamed like an over emotional toddler who swallowed some helium and ran as fast as my legs would take me. In a sense, I'm still running on the inside
So, NOPE, but thanks anyway.
posted by signal at 6:12 AM on June 17, 2016 [16 favorites]
At some level I knew they were crabs, at another I screamed like an over emotional toddler who swallowed some helium and ran as fast as my legs would take me. In a sense, I'm still running on the inside
So, NOPE, but thanks anyway.
posted by signal at 6:12 AM on June 17, 2016 [16 favorites]
Maybe they're coming together to give their chitin as a mass sacrifice to the gods to save the oceans and reefs. Or maybe it's too late and they're taking themselves out before they're boiled alive by rising ocean temperatures. I know last night I felt like I was broiling in my bedroom, and I have choice in the matter of where I sleep. Poor sea life...
posted by limeonaire at 6:13 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by limeonaire at 6:13 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?
posted by zebra at 6:16 AM on June 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by zebra at 6:16 AM on June 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
This is bring back memories of a short story I read as a kid in one of those horror anthologies things where someone was marooned?
One of the William Hope Hodsgon books has shipwrecked sailors fighting giant crabs, among other things
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:24 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
One of the William Hope Hodsgon books has shipwrecked sailors fighting giant crabs, among other things
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:24 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Someone needs to draw a whole shitload of butter.
posted by SansPoint at 6:32 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by SansPoint at 6:32 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
*CTRL-F* "MASSIVE"
(no results)
Very disappointed, Metafilter.
posted by selfnoise at 6:32 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
(no results)
Very disappointed, Metafilter.
posted by selfnoise at 6:32 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm in restaurant RIGHT NOW with two big-ass kettles and we prolly got a couple hundred pounds of butter. bring those here.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 6:35 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 6:35 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
The tense extremes of horror crabs are lessening, and I feel queerly drawn toward the unknown sea-deeps crabs instead of fearing them crabs crabs crabs
posted by monster truck weekend at 6:41 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by monster truck weekend at 6:41 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Atlantis
"Crabs. Why did it have to be crabs?"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:42 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Crabs. Why did it have to be crabs?"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:42 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
You know, when they rear up on their hind legs, one hit sets them up for a riposte.
posted by das_2099 at 6:45 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by das_2099 at 6:45 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Crabbening.
posted by goatdog at 6:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by goatdog at 6:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
They're basically spiders, only with more legs and in great big piles under the surface of the water. So, if you hate that, don't watch the video.
posted by amtho at 6:57 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 6:57 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
For balance:
It is like a scene from a horror film: spider webs several metres wide that are home to thousands of spiders. Why did these spiders turn social?
posted by Artw at 7:00 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
It is like a scene from a horror film: spider webs several metres wide that are home to thousands of spiders. Why did these spiders turn social?
posted by Artw at 7:00 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
And they laughed at me for stockpiling Old Bay instead of canned goods.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
If you like this writhing heap of crabs, or Artw's link, check out "Web" by John Wyndham. I can't remember the specifics beyond an ungodly number of spiders.
posted by LegallyBread at 7:07 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by LegallyBread at 7:07 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Why did these spiders turn social?
And how can we monetize them?
posted by gimonca at 7:09 AM on June 17, 2016 [15 favorites]
And how can we monetize them?
posted by gimonca at 7:09 AM on June 17, 2016 [15 favorites]
The time to start worrying is when the crabs form a giant circle and begin to dance in unison. It means they're opening a portal to bring back one of the elder gods.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:11 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:11 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
NO WE"RE NOT. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FELLOW HUMAN SCREEN TYPERS.
posted by bluecore at 7:17 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by bluecore at 7:17 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Who needs coral reefs when you've got wall-to-wall clamshells?
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:18 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:18 AM on June 17, 2016
They come together to moult? So that's basically a gigantic pile of gigantic soft-shell crabs? What's so surprising about this is that the true monsters of the deep have not ended this in a buttery massacre decades ago.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:22 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by [expletive deleted] at 7:22 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
D I S L I K E
posted by poffin boffin at 7:36 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by poffin boffin at 7:36 AM on June 17, 2016
Remember to attack their weak points for massive damage.
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:48 AM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:48 AM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
this is my least favourite level on katamari
posted by poffin boffin at 7:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [11 favorites]
I had to drive over them.
I don't think I would have. Maybe. I dunno. We used to get infestations of caterpillars every few years, and I drove over those no problem, but crabs seem much more ... I was going to say evolved, or higher order or something, but really, fundamentally, I think they're just bigger.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:59 AM on June 17, 2016
I don't think I would have. Maybe. I dunno. We used to get infestations of caterpillars every few years, and I drove over those no problem, but crabs seem much more ... I was going to say evolved, or higher order or something, but really, fundamentally, I think they're just bigger.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:59 AM on June 17, 2016
Speaking of short stories, there was a story in one of those late seventies early eighties sci-fi anthologies edited by Terry Carr or Robert Silverberg or somebody about this guy who transfers his mind into the far future or something, where he inhabits the body of some sort of crab creature and participates in a big crab orgy
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:13 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:13 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
kinnakeet: I can eat blue crab forever, but the night of the great crab massacre haunts me still.
You'll probably want to stay away from Christmas Island in October and November, because the annual red crab migration happens in that time period, and can last 18 days. And Cuba in the Spring, at least near the Bay of Pigs, and Brevard to Vero Beach in Florida in the fall, or maybe even between June and December. That last article isn't too clear.
I have an aunt and uncle who live in Florida, who aren't native to Florida and found out the hard way that you should keep your doors closed during the crab migrations. Their garage faces to the west (I think), which is the direction the crabs come, heading east to the coast. They left their garage open while they went out doing errands. They came back to a garage full of crabs, which would not be pushed or persuaded to go back out the way they came, so my relatives just opened the door into their house and let the crabs keep going through.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:21 AM on June 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
You'll probably want to stay away from Christmas Island in October and November, because the annual red crab migration happens in that time period, and can last 18 days. And Cuba in the Spring, at least near the Bay of Pigs, and Brevard to Vero Beach in Florida in the fall, or maybe even between June and December. That last article isn't too clear.
I have an aunt and uncle who live in Florida, who aren't native to Florida and found out the hard way that you should keep your doors closed during the crab migrations. Their garage faces to the west (I think), which is the direction the crabs come, heading east to the coast. They left their garage open while they went out doing errands. They came back to a garage full of crabs, which would not be pushed or persuaded to go back out the way they came, so my relatives just opened the door into their house and let the crabs keep going through.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:21 AM on June 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
so my relatives just opened the door into their house and let the crabs keep going through to the kitchen where they mysteriously disappeared, leaving behind only the faint scent of drawn butter.
Fixed that for you.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:43 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Fixed that for you.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:43 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Warning to would-be crabbers in Florida: you can't harvest them from July 1 to Oct. 31. The rest of the year, you can take up to 20 crabs per person per day, but only by hand or with a landing or dip net.
Also: make sure your dogs are trained to deal with crabs, or you'll be pulling disembodied crab claws of of your dog's nose.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:46 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also: make sure your dogs are trained to deal with crabs, or you'll be pulling disembodied crab claws of of your dog's nose.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:46 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
They came back to a garage full of crabs, which would not be pushed or persuaded to go back out the way they came, so my relatives just opened the door into their house and let the crabs keep going through.
This is hilarious to me; oh how I wish they had filmed this crab parade! I'm just picturing a crap ton of crabs obliviously making their way through the house... past the pet food bowls, a wide left at the living room ottoman, past the entertainment center, down the hall and out the back door.
posted by bologna on wry at 8:49 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
This is hilarious to me; oh how I wish they had filmed this crab parade! I'm just picturing a crap ton of crabs obliviously making their way through the house... past the pet food bowls, a wide left at the living room ottoman, past the entertainment center, down the hall and out the back door.
posted by bologna on wry at 8:49 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Why has no one yet mentioned George RR Martin's classic short story Sand Kings ? The link has a link to the pdf. Still gives me nightmares...
posted by beaning at 8:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by beaning at 8:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think it says something about humanity, though I'm not quite sure what, that half of us respond with revulsion and horror about the very existence of these creatures, huddled together in fear of predators, and the other half with delight in the idea of boiling them all alive and eating them dipped in the molten fat-secretions of our mammal-slaves.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 9:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [21 favorites]
posted by [expletive deleted] at 9:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [21 favorites]
Homefaring, it was called Homefaring by Robert Silverberg
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:05 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:05 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
half of us respond with revulsion and horror about the very existence of these creatures, huddled together in fear of predators, and the other half with delight in the idea of boiling them all alive and eating them dipped in the molten fat-secretions of our mammal-slaves
You're omitting the third faction—the one that thinks they're kind of cute, what with their ridiculously shaped hands and silly sideways walking. Crabs!
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:23 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
You're omitting the third faction—the one that thinks they're kind of cute, what with their ridiculously shaped hands and silly sideways walking. Crabs!
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:23 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
In the end, it will be art that saves humanity.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:46 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:46 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Not sure whether to blame Guy N. Smith or Jenna Maroney.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:13 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by tobascodagama at 10:13 AM on June 17, 2016
"It wasn't until the lobsters were upon us that we realized the crabs had been a mere diversion. By then, though, it was too late to save humanity."
*nervously eyes everybody in thread*
*quietly backs up towards exit and steps through*
*closes door slowly, without making any noises*
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
*nervously eyes everybody in thread*
*quietly backs up towards exit and steps through*
*closes door slowly, without making any noises*
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I, for one, welcome our crab overlords
They'll do, in a pinch.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:38 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
They'll do, in a pinch.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:38 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I, for one, welcome our crab overlords
It's spelled hors d'oeuvres
posted by oulipian at 3:56 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
It's spelled hors d'oeuvres
posted by oulipian at 3:56 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Not horses too!
posted by Artw at 3:57 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 3:57 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
*quietly backs up towards exit and steps sidles through*
FTFY.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 4:46 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
FTFY.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 4:46 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
*clack clack clack clack*
What? Just typing.
posted by Artw at 5:00 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
What? Just typing.
posted by Artw at 5:00 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
*Puts a stock pot in the sink and starts fliing it with water, glances towards door*
"Oh, hey! You're staying for dinner, right?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Oh, hey! You're staying for dinner, right?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I had to drive over them
I had something like that happen one night in Jamica. Except when the saw the headlights they would raise their claws and move menacingly towards the car. I thought it was cute and stupid at first, but then realized it would only take one to sacrifice itself and puncture a tire . . .
posted by rtimmel at 6:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I had something like that happen one night in Jamica. Except when the saw the headlights they would raise their claws and move menacingly towards the car. I thought it was cute and stupid at first, but then realized it would only take one to sacrifice itself and puncture a tire . . .
posted by rtimmel at 6:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Underlords, surely.
posted by quinndexter at 8:07 PM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by quinndexter at 8:07 PM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by Autumn Leaf at 3:12 AM on June 17, 2016