Some days....
June 21, 2016 8:49 AM   Subscribe

The Bears Who Came to Town and Would Not Go Away. "This is the story of a place at the edge of the world, where a black bear ventured into a Russian hamlet and attacked a human. One bear became two, two became dozens, and before long no one would leave their home, and no one had any idea what to do."
posted by zarq (45 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
Well, now I have my idea for the D&D adventure I'm running tonight.
posted by Gelatin at 8:53 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Now I have an idea for the B&D adventure I'm running tonight.
posted by maxsparber at 8:58 AM on June 21, 2016 [13 favorites]


I'm pretty sure I played this.
posted by delfin at 9:06 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


In Jasper, Alberta, one of the few (only?) towns inside a bear-filled national park, the most important thing is bear-proof, solid metal garbage cans.

Also, electric fences, diversionary feeding, vegetation modification, aversive conditioning, and hazing. (The page also discusses the garbage cans.)

But that works in one of Canada's showpiece national parks, and there's lots of money available for all those things. In this town, it sounds like a lot of things would have to change - not just the garbage cans, but no more vegetable gardens, too, and that could be a major burden on the poor who depend on them for food.
posted by clawsoon at 9:13 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


In this town, it sounds like a lot of things would have to change - not just the garbage cans, but no more vegetable gardens, too,

Also, convincing the townsfolk not to take selfies with the bears.
posted by zarq at 9:18 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


They just need to import some kind of predator that can beat the bears.
posted by SansPoint at 9:24 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Ted Nugent!
posted by Naberius at 9:26 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


First they came for the bears and I said nothing because bears don't speak human.
posted by I-baLL at 9:27 AM on June 21, 2016


What happened to the cat?
posted by jeather at 9:29 AM on June 21, 2016


Wow, that's a remarkable story. (I thought at first it was fiction, but a little googling convinced me it was a real thing.) I thought I'd explain this bit, for those who might be puzzled by it:
He described them as abominable drunks. “They roll around, roar, sleep,” he explained. “It looks like a pogrom. Everything is broken, thrown around.”
In English, "pogrom" means an organized attack on Jews. It got that meaning because of press reports about such attacks from the Russian Empire in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and of course from Jewish refugees who talked about the pogroms they had fled. But in Russian pogrom just means "destruction"; in fact, "Everything is broken, thrown around" is a pretty good description of the results. Back in the early 20th century, when peasants were attacking the estates of the landowners they resented, burning houses and barns and smashing things, that was called pogrom as well.

Also, just in case anyone else is tempted to watch the whole "place" video in the hope of seeing bears: there are no bears, it's just one of the infinite number of jerky, randomly assembled videos accompanied by crappy music that are available at YouTube for every town and hamlet in Russia. I'm not sure why it was posted here, but anyway: no bears.
posted by languagehat at 9:30 AM on June 21, 2016 [16 favorites]


See this is why I don't go camping. As far as I'm concerned, me and bears have a deal. I don't go messing around in their backyard if they stay out of mine.
posted by Hoopo at 9:30 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ted Nugent!

That's not going to help, given his position on the right to arm bears. Wait. I know it's something like that. Only with more crazy.
posted by The Bellman at 9:31 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


*reads title*

Is this about...

*reads article*

*nods*

Ok, so, this wasn't about Provincetown. [maybe mildly NSFW, depending on what's SF your W].

This could have been written by Bulgakov:

“What difference does it make how many?” Sanya retorted. “If even one person suffered.”

“Because one person was injured, they killed thirty bears?” Dasha asked.

“It’s enough if even one person suffered!” Sanya said. “Why should we put people at risk for the sake of bears?”

“It would be better if you suffered than forty bears and my dog,” Kolya announced.

“I think it would be better if forty people suffered than forty bears,” Dasha said.

“Forty bears [suffering] is better than one person,” Sanya retorted.

“Sarah, don’t pay attention to him!” Kolya exclaimed, ending the conversation.

posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:34 AM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


languagehat: In English, "pogrom" means an organized attack on Jews. It got that meaning because of press reports about such attacks from the Russian Empire in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and of course from Jewish refugees who talked about the pogroms they had fled. But in Russian pogrom just means "destruction"; in fact, "Everything is broken, thrown around" is a pretty good description of the results. Back in the early 20th century, when peasants were attacking the estates of the landowners they resented, burning houses and barns and smashing things, that was called pogrom as well.

Ah! Fascinating, thank you. I looked up the etymology of the word when I spotted it in the article, but the dictionary didn't provide historical context, and Wikipedia focused heavily on the anti-Jewish pogroms of the last century.

Also, just in case anyone else is tempted to watch the whole "place" video in the hope of seeing bears: there are no bears, it's just one of the infinite number of jerky, randomly assembled videos accompanied by crappy music that are available at YouTube for every town and hamlet in Russia. I'm not sure why it was posted here, but anyway: no bears.

Oh crap. It never occurred to me that anyone might watch the video looking for bears. Oops.

I included the video in the post because the only other adequate English-language information source about Luchegrosk (other than articles about invading bear hordes) is Wikipedia. Thought the video might give a better sense of the place than the article.
posted by zarq at 9:42 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


They were puffy black balls with tiny ears and deep brown eyes. They pulled the apples toward them with their front paws and chewed with their mouths open. I badly wanted to pet one.

this is it, this is exactly how i'm gonna die. hugging a baby bear.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:59 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


poffin boffin, I soooo feel ya because if I ever come across a mountain lion I'm gonna be all "here kitty!! so cute, must pet" and then death...
posted by supermedusa at 10:30 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


the place in spain i took my formerly feral dog to learn how to be somewhat less feral backed onto a huge mediterranean scrubland area and the owner had stoutly fenced in some massive expanse of land for reasons that were totally unclear to me until one day i saw him releasing some live rabbits into the area, at which point i was introduced from afar to his pet puma, which i was not allowed to pet and which i received great opprobrium for attempting to stick my hand through the fence and make kissy kissy here kitty kitty noises.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:38 AM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]


OMG pet puma, this is a major life goal for me!!!
posted by supermedusa at 10:49 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


This was a horror movie except it was vampires instead of bears and Alaska instead of Russia.

And everyone was trapped in a grocery store.

And it had a happy ending.
posted by Beholder at 10:59 AM on June 21, 2016


only a good guy with bears can stop this
posted by thelonius at 11:00 AM on June 21, 2016 [18 favorites]


Worst thing I've ever heard ursine.
posted by hal9k at 11:00 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Solution is simple: holiday camp for bears
posted by fallingbadgers at 11:27 AM on June 21, 2016


Mod note: A few comments deleted; if you're wondering whether they've thought of shooting the bears, check the article.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:46 AM on June 21, 2016


Solution is simple: holiday camp for bears

young bear pioneers
posted by poffin boffin at 11:59 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


BEARS WITH RED NECKERCHIEFS AND RIBBONS AROUND THEIR EARS!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:09 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise. For every bear that ever there was was gathered there . . .
posted by jeather at 12:10 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I get that this is a serious piece about a serious problem, but it is full of little gems like this that make me smile:

The center was founded in 1991 by a famous tiger catcher named Vladimir Kruglov, who hog-tied more than 40 live tigers before his death.
posted by not that girl at 12:14 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


I justgoogled for:

Vladimir Kruglov tiger

and found this:

https://retrieverman.net/2011/09/10/live-capture-of-an-amur-tiger/
posted by I-baLL at 12:26 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Young bear Pioneers
Bravely ambling onwards
Young bear Pioneers
The nation's future is in your paws
Young bear Pioneers
You carry our hopes and dreams,
Several chickens and Yuri's annoying little dog
posted by fallingbadgers at 1:17 PM on June 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


The real question here is what's scaring the bears out of the woods??!??
posted by fshgrl at 2:18 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Thank you for posting this! I loved it so much I wrote a children's book instead of what I was supposed to be working on this afternoon.

Town of Bears
by bigbigdog

Just last year, far away in a small town called Luchegorsk, all the people were enjoying the last days of summer. It was late afternoon, and Nikolai stepped outside to walk his fluffy grey cat.

Suddenly, the air was filled with barking. It was all the dogs in the town, making such a racket! "Those dogs are going crazy," Nikolai thought. "Wonder what they smell?"

Nikolai turned around, and there it was: a big black bear, right in front of him! "I'd better pretend to be bigger than that bear, and back away slowly," Nikolai said to himself.

When Nikolai was safe back inside, he called his neighbors to tell them about the bear. And when they heard about that bear, his neighbors called their neighbors. Soon everybody in town had heard about the bear.

While the townspeople were talking about the bear, the bear was talking to her bear friends about the town she'd found. There were so many garbage cans and dumpsters full of food, every bear around could eat their fill.

So the bear and her friends came back to town, and had a grand time. They found garbage cans full of food, swimming pools to splash in, and entire buildings full of delicious things to eat. They even found trampolines, and jumped up and down on them so high in the air that even the people marveled at the bears.

At first, people loved having the bears around. People took selfies with the bears, and some fed the bears, and some even tried to ride the bears. (This did not end well for the attempted riders.) People sang to the bears, and some say the bears sang back.

But eventually the townsfolk grew tired of the bears, and wanted them to leave. And everybody had an opinion about what to do! Some thought they should feed the bears. Others said that's no good, we ought to pack them into crates and mail them far away. Still others were positive that a bear cavalry would be useful one day.

But nobody could agree on a plan, so they did nothing, and the bears kept coming. "What can we do about these bears?" everybody cried. Some suggested painting the bears white, and driving them to the north pole. Some thought they should talk to the bears, and ask them politely to leave.

But still, nobody could agree on a plan, and so the bears kept coming.

Eventually there were so many bears around that nobody went outside anymore. Nobody tended their gardens. Nobody went to school. And nobody delivered the mail. "This is too much!" the townspeople cried. "They don't have any bears in that town down the road, no bears at all! Let's move our town there."

So all the people in the town gathered everything they owned, and one night wnen the bears were all soundly asleep, all the people of Luchegorsk just up and left. Later, the townspeople would remember the bears with fondness, and share stories about the bears and their antics. But none ever went back to that town, for it wasn't their town anymore.

It was the town of bears.
posted by bigbigdog at 2:21 PM on June 21, 2016 [15 favorites]


The whole situation sounds like something from a fable, you know, the kind where children get eaten. But an editor wrote this

a black bear ventured into a Russian hamlet and attacked a human

above this

…but he also deals with the wild animals that come into the villages that are under his jurisdiction, though they do not often frequent the relatively large settlement of Luchegorsk, population 21,000.

ಠ_ಠ
posted by rodlymight at 2:23 PM on June 21, 2016


Relevant.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 2:38 PM on June 21, 2016


Relevant.
posted by I-baLL at 3:50 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


100% irrelevant
posted by poffin boffin at 4:50 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


but like, so awesome
posted by poffin boffin at 4:50 PM on June 21, 2016




relevant
posted by namewithoutwords at 8:21 PM on June 21, 2016


Oh crap. It never occurred to me that anyone might watch the video looking for bears. Oops.

Ah, but in the article there's a link to a guardian article and that has bear videos linked within.

I never thought to be afraid of bear attacks while walking past an apartment building...
posted by kitten magic at 8:34 PM on June 21, 2016


This famously happened in Sicily right after WWII. Driven by hunger, the bears descended the mountains to avoid starvation and invaded the country. It took 13 years to get rid of them. Dino Buzzati even wrote a book about it. Apparently he had to draw the pictures himself because the bears had eaten all the cameras.
posted by elgilito at 4:25 AM on June 22, 2016


hamlet…town of 21,000

Wait, are you saying this is too big, or not too big?
posted by ambrosen at 4:29 AM on June 22, 2016




The first bear appeared in town one morning in late August. It was a little after eight, and Nikolai, an elderly pensioner, had just come out to walk his cat.

I claim magic realism.
posted by acb at 8:10 AM on June 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Превед!

Russians sometimes say that bears kill people by giving them a hug.

In America, citizen bear arms.
In Russia, bear arms citizen.
Both to death.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:34 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


Real bear hugs are often fatal - a truth I learned from a t-shirt (that I also happen to be currently wearing).
posted by filthy light thief at 10:33 AM on June 25, 2016


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