$4,100 Gets You 6 Almonds
August 2, 2016 4:40 PM Subscribe
"During one of the hikes, she sat down in the middle of the trail and refused to go any further. She was screaming and crying, and then the trainer sat down next to her and realized she was high. Later, the program directors discovered she had a cache of pot brownies in her room. (Edible marijuana products were not on the DO NOT PACK list, specifically.)" Inside The Ranch 4.0 "wellness retreat" where celebrities and the wealthy drop in for long weekends of brutal exercise and just enough food deprivation to feel ecstatically light-headed.
Do we really have to replicate every aspect of the fin de siecle?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 5:01 PM on August 2, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 5:01 PM on August 2, 2016 [18 favorites]
much like the millennial communal living piece, this too sounds like actual hell, but in a slightly more expensive way
posted by burgerrr at 5:05 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by burgerrr at 5:05 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Trainers wake guests at 5:30 each day, literally walk them through four-hour hikes, and serve them no more than six almonds on the trail.
Luxury!!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:08 PM on August 2, 2016 [33 favorites]
Luxury!!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:08 PM on August 2, 2016 [33 favorites]
When I was a lad, pa would wake us at half three and lead us on a fifty-mile hike, and if we were lucky after we'd get half a stale crouton for breakfast! Mind you, we did at least each get our own half-crouton on the good days.
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:17 PM on August 2, 2016 [37 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:17 PM on August 2, 2016 [37 favorites]
In fairness to Rebel Wilson, she was just getting ready for Pitch Perfect 3: Direct-To-Video.
"Method acting."
posted by a lungful of dragon at 5:19 PM on August 2, 2016
"Method acting."
posted by a lungful of dragon at 5:19 PM on August 2, 2016
Friends of mine did something like this in California when they were younger, but I think it was at a place called "Pendleton" or something.
Is that like a spa?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:20 PM on August 2, 2016 [52 favorites]
Is that like a spa?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:20 PM on August 2, 2016 [52 favorites]
I tromp around the Santa Monicas every weekend for free, never realizing I could pay handsomely for the privilege. Sunday I rolled 21 miles and 4k elevation, burning about 3,000kC and eating a peanut butter, banana, and honey sandwich on top of Castro Crest. Bring your bike! It's fun! And free!
posted by carsonb at 5:20 PM on August 2, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by carsonb at 5:20 PM on August 2, 2016 [14 favorites]
It kind of bums me out that Connie Britton does this. We were acquaintance-friends in college. I guess this is what fame does, or something?
Also, to the author: if you are keeping an eye out for poison ivy on a California hike, you are doing it wrong. We don't have it here.
posted by rtha at 5:29 PM on August 2, 2016 [14 favorites]
Also, to the author: if you are keeping an eye out for poison ivy on a California hike, you are doing it wrong. We don't have it here.
posted by rtha at 5:29 PM on August 2, 2016 [14 favorites]
Hey rtha, because we have poison oak instead?
posted by Bella Donna at 5:32 PM on August 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 5:32 PM on August 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
There's not a ton of poison oak in the SMMs either, but I did see a bunch of poodle dog brush right up on the trails. Still nursing a patch on my arm from three weeks ago over in the San Gabriels. D=
posted by carsonb at 5:33 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by carsonb at 5:33 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I guess this is for the poor millionaires who can't afford their own personal trainers, personal chefs, personal therapists, etc, etc.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:40 PM on August 2, 2016
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:40 PM on August 2, 2016
so they lose all their extra water weight cool.
posted by sibboleth at 5:40 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by sibboleth at 5:40 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
See, if I were insanely wealthy, I'd get a pool at body temperature that would keep me afloat with enough salt and just eat until I was a sphere.
posted by xingcat at 5:52 PM on August 2, 2016 [125 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 5:52 PM on August 2, 2016 [125 favorites]
Also, this article is almost criminally dangerous in its description of the activities. Do not, I repeat DO NOT go on long hikes in the full heat of day with only water and six almonds. The money comes into play when you have a trainer following you with a pack full of medical supplies, calories, and extra water, and a Mercedes van decked out with A/C back at the trailhead.
posted by carsonb at 5:53 PM on August 2, 2016 [25 favorites]
posted by carsonb at 5:53 PM on August 2, 2016 [25 favorites]
There's a part of me that now wants to try this. The wrong, wrong, wrong part.
posted by areaperson at 5:54 PM on August 2, 2016
posted by areaperson at 5:54 PM on August 2, 2016
If you're the leader of the free world, you get seven almonds.
posted by eponym at 5:59 PM on August 2, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by eponym at 5:59 PM on August 2, 2016 [20 favorites]
I had a friend in college.
Every time she started to do well in something she liked, like dance or painting or even getting good grades, she would have a breakdown.
One time she called me late at night. She was freaking out. She had committed the sin of Pride, and God had abandoned her.
It took an hour to get the story. She had been camping, and she found a mushroom, a magic one, and she touched it. Then she went home, and was looking at a glass of water, and felt for an instant that she could sense that this water connected to all the other water, and all life contains water, so all life is connected. For an instant she felt like she understood God. And that was the sin of Pride, and that is when God abandoned her.
First we got over the idea that touching a mushroom with your fingertip will make you trip.
The real problem was that when she was 12 years old God had picked her to be a nun, but she refused.
How did she know God had picked her? She had been sent to a summer camp run by nuns. The last weekend was a spiritual retreat. They prayed and did physical work all day long, then spent all night praying, and before dawn they were instructed to walk in the woods until they were alone, to watch the sun rise, look for signs of the Divine, and to listen to their hearts. They had only had stale bread and water to eat for 36 hours at that point.
In case their hearts or the Divine were hard to understand, they were given a little book with interpretations.
She saw the signs, listened to her heart, and looked for guidance in the book. The Divine and her heart agreed, God had picked her to be a nun.
But she lied to the nuns, said god told her she was not ready yet. The nuns did not believe her, and punished her for lying.
It took us weeks to find a copy of the book. It was like a xeroxed and stapled together chose your own adventure.
You feel calm and happy and awestruck by the beauty of the forest at dawn? Turn to page 12.
If you hear God's voice clear in your mind, also go to page 12.
....
If you feel alone, scared, cold or hungry turn to page 6, where we will explain how that is just the devil speaking, then turn to page 12.
Page 12: God has picked you to be a nun. A nun in the order that just by coincidence runs this camp. A cloistered nun of course. Turn to page 14 where we explain how to convince your parents.
What I am saying, next time forget the organized spirituality and just eat the damn mushroom.
don't eat the wild mushroom unless you know exactly what you are doing.
posted by Doroteo Arango II at 6:01 PM on August 2, 2016 [130 favorites]
Every time she started to do well in something she liked, like dance or painting or even getting good grades, she would have a breakdown.
One time she called me late at night. She was freaking out. She had committed the sin of Pride, and God had abandoned her.
It took an hour to get the story. She had been camping, and she found a mushroom, a magic one, and she touched it. Then she went home, and was looking at a glass of water, and felt for an instant that she could sense that this water connected to all the other water, and all life contains water, so all life is connected. For an instant she felt like she understood God. And that was the sin of Pride, and that is when God abandoned her.
First we got over the idea that touching a mushroom with your fingertip will make you trip.
The real problem was that when she was 12 years old God had picked her to be a nun, but she refused.
How did she know God had picked her? She had been sent to a summer camp run by nuns. The last weekend was a spiritual retreat. They prayed and did physical work all day long, then spent all night praying, and before dawn they were instructed to walk in the woods until they were alone, to watch the sun rise, look for signs of the Divine, and to listen to their hearts. They had only had stale bread and water to eat for 36 hours at that point.
In case their hearts or the Divine were hard to understand, they were given a little book with interpretations.
She saw the signs, listened to her heart, and looked for guidance in the book. The Divine and her heart agreed, God had picked her to be a nun.
But she lied to the nuns, said god told her she was not ready yet. The nuns did not believe her, and punished her for lying.
It took us weeks to find a copy of the book. It was like a xeroxed and stapled together chose your own adventure.
You feel calm and happy and awestruck by the beauty of the forest at dawn? Turn to page 12.
If you hear God's voice clear in your mind, also go to page 12.
....
If you feel alone, scared, cold or hungry turn to page 6, where we will explain how that is just the devil speaking, then turn to page 12.
Page 12: God has picked you to be a nun. A nun in the order that just by coincidence runs this camp. A cloistered nun of course. Turn to page 14 where we explain how to convince your parents.
What I am saying, next time forget the organized spirituality and just eat the damn mushroom.
don't eat the wild mushroom unless you know exactly what you are doing.
posted by Doroteo Arango II at 6:01 PM on August 2, 2016 [130 favorites]
... a spry brunette pet-food entrepreneur from perhaps another planet
I wonder what sort of pets they have there.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:03 PM on August 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
I wonder what sort of pets they have there.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:03 PM on August 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
6 almonds? There's a drought on, people. Surely 5 is enough.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 6:10 PM on August 2, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 6:10 PM on August 2, 2016 [15 favorites]
Trainers wake guests at 5:30 each day, literally walk them through four-hour hikes, and serve them no more than six almonds on the trail.
Sounds like a Saturday in the summer. Except my trainer is a cat.
posted by wotsac at 6:12 PM on August 2, 2016 [21 favorites]
Sounds like a Saturday in the summer. Except my trainer is a cat.
posted by wotsac at 6:12 PM on August 2, 2016 [21 favorites]
Actually I try to get a very sturdy breakfast in, preferably including donuts at the indie donut shop. I also try to hike more than four hours.
posted by wotsac at 6:14 PM on August 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by wotsac at 6:14 PM on August 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
But my cat is still a total dick.
posted by wotsac at 6:15 PM on August 2, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by wotsac at 6:15 PM on August 2, 2016 [11 favorites]
don't eat the cat-almonds
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 6:21 PM on August 2, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 6:21 PM on August 2, 2016 [17 favorites]
There's not a ton of poison oak in the SMMs either, but I did see a bunch of poodle dog brush right up on the trails
Oh god, every time I tell someone about poodle dog bush I have to explain that it's much more serious than the name implies. They have that sickly smell to them, too.
posted by teponaztli at 6:27 PM on August 2, 2016
Oh god, every time I tell someone about poodle dog bush I have to explain that it's much more serious than the name implies. They have that sickly smell to them, too.
posted by teponaztli at 6:27 PM on August 2, 2016
It's because they're marijuana's nasty cousin. If only weed grew so opportunistically.
posted by carsonb at 6:34 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by carsonb at 6:34 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
> Hey rtha, because we have poison oak instead?
Yeah! They're similar, they're related, I get it. But at least the editor (do they still have those anywhere?) should've caught it. A grumpy-making article made me more grumpy with this.
> Also, this article is almost criminally dangerous in its description of the activities. Do not, I repeat DO NOT go on long hikes in the full heat of day with only water and six almonds.
Seriously. We did a hike last year sometime in the Marin Headlands where we decided to do the worst (steepest) part of the hike - it was a loop - as the up part, mostly because we'd done it as the down part once and nearly killed ourselves because stupid square-shaped rocks will MURDER you on the downhill when not if you slip on them, and it was not a very long hike (maybe 6 miles? If?) but once the uphill starts it's pretty relentless, and it's without shade, and the stupid square rocks only try to kill you slightly less than when you're going down, and god I am glad we brought enough water and some nice chocolatey gorp and a free rein to whine.
On hikes like at this kind of spa, I would probably kill people and steal their pot brownies.
I had to google "poodle dog brush" and am relieved that that is not a thing we have here in NorCal. I thought maybe it was something we have but with another name, but nope, whew.
posted by rtha at 6:38 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yeah! They're similar, they're related, I get it. But at least the editor (do they still have those anywhere?) should've caught it. A grumpy-making article made me more grumpy with this.
> Also, this article is almost criminally dangerous in its description of the activities. Do not, I repeat DO NOT go on long hikes in the full heat of day with only water and six almonds.
Seriously. We did a hike last year sometime in the Marin Headlands where we decided to do the worst (steepest) part of the hike - it was a loop - as the up part, mostly because we'd done it as the down part once and nearly killed ourselves because stupid square-shaped rocks will MURDER you on the downhill when not if you slip on them, and it was not a very long hike (maybe 6 miles? If?) but once the uphill starts it's pretty relentless, and it's without shade, and the stupid square rocks only try to kill you slightly less than when you're going down, and god I am glad we brought enough water and some nice chocolatey gorp and a free rein to whine.
On hikes like at this kind of spa, I would probably kill people and steal their pot brownies.
I had to google "poodle dog brush" and am relieved that that is not a thing we have here in NorCal. I thought maybe it was something we have but with another name, but nope, whew.
posted by rtha at 6:38 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
$4100 for a weekend of guided day hikes and they don't even let you bring pot brownies? Hell, for that kind of money they better be serving them.
Shit, my dad and I had a much better time going hut to hut in the Presidentials last week, and we got hearty meals, it was much cheaper, and nobody said boo if I wanted to nip out for a bit of scotch in front of the sunset or half a jay under the stars.
Bloody hell. Some people have no idea how to be good to themselves.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:54 PM on August 2, 2016 [18 favorites]
Shit, my dad and I had a much better time going hut to hut in the Presidentials last week, and we got hearty meals, it was much cheaper, and nobody said boo if I wanted to nip out for a bit of scotch in front of the sunset or half a jay under the stars.
Bloody hell. Some people have no idea how to be good to themselves.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:54 PM on August 2, 2016 [18 favorites]
If you're the leader of the free world, you get seven almonds.
Also my next band name.
posted by WaylandSmith at 7:24 PM on August 2, 2016
Also my next band name.
posted by WaylandSmith at 7:24 PM on August 2, 2016
I recently did RAGBRAI for the fifth time, and the third time that I did the whole thing. The course was fairly brutal this year--lots of hills--but I rarely went an entire hour without running across a stand selling pie or ice cream or pie with ice cream. That's my kind of retreat.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:33 PM on August 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:33 PM on August 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
A four hour trail walk is what I do one Saturday every month, carrying a 16kg kettlebell, with no almonds whatsoever, as legitimately enjoyable recreation. So like, any of you are welcome to join me next time, for free, and we can have a beer afterwards. I mean if you want to flick me a few grand that's cool too.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:47 PM on August 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:47 PM on August 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
This was such a delightfully wry, well-written piece. I seldom see this level of humor and wordplay in vanity/celeb pieces online these days, so I love this post! Fucking hysterical.
If I were looking for somewhere to dry out (or possibly pass a urine test, like some actors must surely do) or even just hide from humanity after an awful break-up, this might be an option.
Otherwise, I just can't stop laughing and then thinking "Wow, these people are actually serious" in alternating states of incredulity. Shitting into a bag, you say? No thanks... I'll sneak 4 days of Soylent into my luggage and nip that problem right in the butt.
I totally believe that wealthy people and celebs visit Ranch 4.0 to indulgently self-flagellate/self-congratulate on Instagram, but that shit wouldn't fly in many places besides Cali or NYC (or Miami...).
Couldn't you just book rooms at that Four Seasons and hike at your preferred time of day and duration for like, MUCH cheaper? *Activates GoogleFu* yeah, their cheapest room booked two weeks out is $266/night before taxes, or $1,330 if you go all-out and stay for five days. The real price comes from paying the trainers to be there and keep you from dying or quitting the program.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:48 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
If I were looking for somewhere to dry out (or possibly pass a urine test, like some actors must surely do) or even just hide from humanity after an awful break-up, this might be an option.
Otherwise, I just can't stop laughing and then thinking "Wow, these people are actually serious" in alternating states of incredulity. Shitting into a bag, you say? No thanks... I'll sneak 4 days of Soylent into my luggage and nip that problem right in the butt.
I totally believe that wealthy people and celebs visit Ranch 4.0 to indulgently self-flagellate/self-congratulate on Instagram, but that shit wouldn't fly in many places besides Cali or NYC (or Miami...).
Couldn't you just book rooms at that Four Seasons and hike at your preferred time of day and duration for like, MUCH cheaper? *Activates GoogleFu* yeah, their cheapest room booked two weeks out is $266/night before taxes, or $1,330 if you go all-out and stay for five days. The real price comes from paying the trainers to be there and keep you from dying or quitting the program.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:48 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
There is definitely some poison oak in the Santa Monica Mountains. I've seen its ravages.
posted by Slothrup at 8:42 PM on August 2, 2016
posted by Slothrup at 8:42 PM on August 2, 2016
rtha: It just says Connie Britton did it at some point, not that she's a frequenter or an advocate. Who knows the circumstances? She could have been humoring a friend or agent. It could have been free, or even a paid job. Plus, she didn't get to read the article first like we did.
posted by JauntyFedora at 8:47 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by JauntyFedora at 8:47 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
It kind of bums me out that Connie Britton does this. We were acquaintance-friends in college. I guess this is what fame does, or something?
Fame, or that actresses are expected to meet certain expectations re: appearance.
posted by betweenthebars at 9:01 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Fame, or that actresses are expected to meet certain expectations re: appearance.
posted by betweenthebars at 9:01 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Dan Savage did an earlier version of this spa weekend as one of the entries in his book Skipping Toward Gomorrah, the "envy" one. In the retreat he went to, the accommodations were purposely crappy, in order to get the participants into a properly spartan mindset. Either they updated the digs in the intervening years, or he went to a different version of "The Ranch".
The big mistake that Savage made was to not get the right underwear for the hikes. As a result, his balls got severely chafed in the first hikes he went on. So he later compensated by cupping his balls as he hiked, and in order to pull that off without humiliating himself, he took the lead and stayed in the lead by moving fast enough that no one could catch up with him.
As a result, he was the participant who lost the most weight. You see? When it comes to taking off the pounds, all you need is the right motivation.
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 9:48 PM on August 2, 2016 [21 favorites]
The big mistake that Savage made was to not get the right underwear for the hikes. As a result, his balls got severely chafed in the first hikes he went on. So he later compensated by cupping his balls as he hiked, and in order to pull that off without humiliating himself, he took the lead and stayed in the lead by moving fast enough that no one could catch up with him.
As a result, he was the participant who lost the most weight. You see? When it comes to taking off the pounds, all you need is the right motivation.
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 9:48 PM on August 2, 2016 [21 favorites]
If you are rich and famous and want to do something dangerous and stupid, please contact me instead (email in profile). For a fantastic amount of money, I promise to make your life a nightmarish living hell. If you are, like, Kevin James, it will be worse. I will torment you all weekend and at the end you will wonder what all of it was for. But I won't wonder. I'll know. It was all for me, the person who took sadistic pleasure in tormenting you, and has your money.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:12 PM on August 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:12 PM on August 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
HAPPER: Moritz, Moritz. You're destroying me.
MORITZ: (LAUGHING) Yes. Now we're getting somewhere. I think we can move on.
HAPPER: What do you mean?
MORITZ: The next stage; We should physicalize things a little...
HAPPER: What?
MORITZ: I could hit you. Wouldn't that humiliate you? We could progress my leaps and bounds.
HAPPER: Forget it, Moritz. You're talking perversion, not therapy.
--Bill Forsythe, Local Hero, 1983
posted by lazycomputerkids at 10:32 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
MORITZ: (LAUGHING) Yes. Now we're getting somewhere. I think we can move on.
HAPPER: What do you mean?
MORITZ: The next stage; We should physicalize things a little...
HAPPER: What?
MORITZ: I could hit you. Wouldn't that humiliate you? We could progress my leaps and bounds.
HAPPER: Forget it, Moritz. You're talking perversion, not therapy.
--Bill Forsythe, Local Hero, 1983
posted by lazycomputerkids at 10:32 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
So all you people who don't take a bag to shit in if necessary on long hikes on public trails, are you packing a trowel? Or just irresponsible?
posted by lastobelus at 11:26 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by lastobelus at 11:26 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
So all you people who don't take a bag to shit in if necessary on long hikes on public trails, are you packing a trowel? Or just irresponsible?
I just wear a bear suit.
posted by boilermonster at 11:56 PM on August 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
I just wear a bear suit.
posted by boilermonster at 11:56 PM on August 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
A four hour hike is, like, nothing. Seriously nothing. 2 hours is just a walk, 4 hours is barely a hike at all. I can't see how people make such a big deal out of it or pay to go on a short hike on public land.
posted by fshgrl at 12:24 AM on August 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 12:24 AM on August 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
I'm way ahead of these people. My girlfriend and I regularly go out on 6 hour hikes and forget to bring food.
posted by distorte at 12:26 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by distorte at 12:26 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Fshgirl, that's pretty dismissive of people for whom 4 hours is not "nothing". For whatever reason.
Ugh.
Some of us find it harder than others.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:27 AM on August 3, 2016 [14 favorites]
Ugh.
Some of us find it harder than others.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:27 AM on August 3, 2016 [14 favorites]
ZOMG... to reference many in this thread, if we had poodle dog in the Presidentials my family effort to join the 4000 Footer Club would be postponed until the kids were much much older. (As it is they have been rocking since age 4.) With something so pretty and pretty awful near the trail I have to believe that young kids get nailed on the regular.
USA WestCoasters, go ahead and laugh at our notion that 4K is big, and I will take it humbly because if you hike any distance near poodle dog you are a outdoors superstar.
posted by drowsy at 4:46 AM on August 3, 2016
USA WestCoasters, go ahead and laugh at our notion that 4K is big, and I will take it humbly because if you hike any distance near poodle dog you are a outdoors superstar.
posted by drowsy at 4:46 AM on August 3, 2016
Lastobelus, that's a weird and weirdly-hostile question. Of course people who go on long hikes make provision for the necessity of pooping. That might involve a trowel, or even a bag in particularly sensitive areas where even pooping in a cathole is too hard on the local environment. Or there might be composting toilets in strategic locations, if we're going somewhere a bit more well-travelled. We don't just shit in the trail because there's no flush toilet around. That would be insane.
Hiking and camping are normal activities and there are well-established ways of dealing with one's waste while doing them. The implication that we are all irresponsible people who just strew our turds merrily about the land is bizarre.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:59 AM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Hiking and camping are normal activities and there are well-established ways of dealing with one's waste while doing them. The implication that we are all irresponsible people who just strew our turds merrily about the land is bizarre.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:59 AM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm assuming all you expressers-of-disbelief are speaking rhetorically? Obviously the reason people pay $4k for this is, they think it will enhance their status.
posted by thelonius at 5:13 AM on August 3, 2016
posted by thelonius at 5:13 AM on August 3, 2016
For the wealthy, I assume the exclusivity is basically the point. I'm not saying this is necessarily a great thing, but I don't think the hike is what needs to be worth $4100. They're paying $100 for a trainer and $4000 for a retreat that keeps out people who can't pay $4100 for a retreat. They do not want ordinary people to look at this and think, yes, I should save up and go do that. While that's kind of gross from a class standpoint, I think it's a lot more gross that people spend hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars to live in neighborhoods separate from the rest of us than I do that they spend this much for a vacation.
For the actually famous, I'm a little more charitable: Spending time around the general public isn't going to be a retreat, it's going to be work. If you go somewhere less exclusive, you're going to spend the entire time Being Mandy Moore instead of recharging so you can go back to Being Mandy Moore the rest of the week.
posted by Sequence at 5:54 AM on August 3, 2016 [11 favorites]
For the actually famous, I'm a little more charitable: Spending time around the general public isn't going to be a retreat, it's going to be work. If you go somewhere less exclusive, you're going to spend the entire time Being Mandy Moore instead of recharging so you can go back to Being Mandy Moore the rest of the week.
posted by Sequence at 5:54 AM on August 3, 2016 [11 favorites]
Oh, so its a health farm. I see they've rebranded it into wellness retreat or somesuch.
As I understand it, in the 80s they were where rich women went to dry out/avoid a nervous breakdown/slim down for their hypercritical husbands. So it's now pretty much the same but with men, and society is hypercritical as well. Progress!
posted by eyeofthetiger at 6:02 AM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
As I understand it, in the 80s they were where rich women went to dry out/avoid a nervous breakdown/slim down for their hypercritical husbands. So it's now pretty much the same but with men, and society is hypercritical as well. Progress!
posted by eyeofthetiger at 6:02 AM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
8 pounds in a weekend? Even if you eat nothing and spend the whole time on a treadmill you won't lose 4 lbs a day.
How does anyone who lives in the most fitness-conscious city in America think this makes sense? It's called water weight, people.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:19 AM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
How does anyone who lives in the most fitness-conscious city in America think this makes sense? It's called water weight, people.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:19 AM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
For the actually famous, I'm a little more charitable: Spending time around the general public isn't going to be a retreat, it's going to be work. If you go somewhere less exclusive, you're going to spend the entire time Being Mandy Moore instead of recharging so you can go back to Being Mandy Moore the rest of the week.
This is the same reason clubs have back rooms.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:25 AM on August 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is the same reason clubs have back rooms.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:25 AM on August 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I love Metafilter because y'all constantly reinforce my belief that exercise is terrible and I am righteous in having nothing to do with it.
I mean, hike length shaming and bag shit arguments? You guys are the best!
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:27 AM on August 3, 2016 [13 favorites]
I mean, hike length shaming and bag shit arguments? You guys are the best!
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:27 AM on August 3, 2016 [13 favorites]
Isn't shit manure? Plastic bags are something to be scorned, surely? I mean, I wouldn't poo on the trail where people are walking because that's gross without question but if I was to feel the need to void my bowels doing it under a bush and then kind of spreading it out and putting a little soil on top, kind of like a cat does, wouldn't be such a bad thing would it? I mean, obviously I wouldn't pay $4000+ for the experience.
posted by h00py at 7:47 AM on August 3, 2016
posted by h00py at 7:47 AM on August 3, 2016
So all you people who don't take a bag to shit in if necessary on long hikes on public trails, are you packing a trowel? Or just irresponsible?
On a 4-hour hike? I mean, bring a bag just in case, but seriously, I hold it.
I did kind of have to laugh at the author's horror of pooping in a bag, because I had the same experience way back when. My first ever hike into the wilderness-wilderness, free of port-a-potties, I was so freaked out about the idea of just straight up pooping in the woods and then packing it out, I held it for THREE WHOLE DAYS. This seemed like a good idea when I was 14 but in practice it was pretty awful!
Nothing to get you over the squick of handling your own feces as hiking at a sprint to reach the park bathrooms at the trailhead on day 3!
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:55 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
On a 4-hour hike? I mean, bring a bag just in case, but seriously, I hold it.
I did kind of have to laugh at the author's horror of pooping in a bag, because I had the same experience way back when. My first ever hike into the wilderness-wilderness, free of port-a-potties, I was so freaked out about the idea of just straight up pooping in the woods and then packing it out, I held it for THREE WHOLE DAYS. This seemed like a good idea when I was 14 but in practice it was pretty awful!
Nothing to get you over the squick of handling your own feces as hiking at a sprint to reach the park bathrooms at the trailhead on day 3!
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:55 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think that the whole poop management thing really depends on the specific environment, who's managing it and how, and so forth. The Appalachian Trail has particular recommendations for shitting in the woods, among other things. I was prepared to take a dump in an Iowa cornfield on RAGBRAI if I was caught between portapotties or convenience stores, but that would be in a very large field that was mostly managed by machines.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:17 AM on August 3, 2016
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:17 AM on August 3, 2016
I love Metafilter because y'all constantly reinforce my belief that exercise is terrible and I am righteous in having nothing to do with it.
You misunderstand. It's not that Metafilter thinks that it's bad. It's that Metafilter thinks that you're doing it wrong.
We will explain how at length, and in great detail.
You may want to sit down.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:17 AM on August 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
You misunderstand. It's not that Metafilter thinks that it's bad. It's that Metafilter thinks that you're doing it wrong.
We will explain how at length, and in great detail.
You may want to sit down.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:17 AM on August 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
You may want to sit down.
But get up and move around at least once per hour or you'll just die.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:21 AM on August 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
But get up and move around at least once per hour or you'll just die.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:21 AM on August 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
You misunderstand. It's not that Metafilter thinks that it's bad. It's that Metafilter thinks that you're doing it wrong.
No, actually, I was making almost that exact point. But okay.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:38 AM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
No, actually, I was making almost that exact point. But okay.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:38 AM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Isn't shit manure?
There are lots of different kinds of shit. Some of them are pretty good at enriching plant soil, some of them will burn the plants or inhibit seed growth, some will encourage the growth of things that you might not want growing there, etc. There are plenty of places where human shit is not good for the environment, and hikers are enjoined to carry it out along with the rest of their trash.
posted by slkinsey at 8:50 AM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
There are lots of different kinds of shit. Some of them are pretty good at enriching plant soil, some of them will burn the plants or inhibit seed growth, some will encourage the growth of things that you might not want growing there, etc. There are plenty of places where human shit is not good for the environment, and hikers are enjoined to carry it out along with the rest of their trash.
posted by slkinsey at 8:50 AM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
A four-hour hike isn't a long hike though, yeah. Unless there was something wrong with my bowels (like that time I got giardia, ugh) I wouldn't think to make pooping plans for a morning day-hike. Just poop when you get back to base camp.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:04 AM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:04 AM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Is the environment around the Ranch 4.0 sensitive enough that cat holes are a bad idea? Pooping in a bag is for astronauts, not hikers.
posted by Hactar at 9:52 AM on August 3, 2016
posted by Hactar at 9:52 AM on August 3, 2016
Wow, this took a turn for the scatological.
Yes, a four hour hike usually isn't long enough to concern yourself with where you're going to poop, but in this case the participants are messing with their diet too and the combination of exertion/nature/diet can make your bowel movements..... unpredictable. Irregular? I'm glad they're encouraged to pack it out if necessary, rather than scatter it over the countryside.
posted by carsonb at 10:37 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yes, a four hour hike usually isn't long enough to concern yourself with where you're going to poop, but in this case the participants are messing with their diet too and the combination of exertion/nature/diet can make your bowel movements..... unpredictable. Irregular? I'm glad they're encouraged to pack it out if necessary, rather than scatter it over the countryside.
posted by carsonb at 10:37 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Butt yeah, I'm beginning to understand the subversive appeal of the article as I imagine Connie Britton pooping in a plastic bag on the Backbone trail.
posted by carsonb at 10:39 AM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by carsonb at 10:39 AM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The: Just poop when you get back to base camp.
Eponysterical
posted by hanov3r at 11:00 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Eponysterical
posted by hanov3r at 11:00 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
It might be, Hactar. I can't really say because the Malibu area isn't my backcountry and the article is pretty coy about exactly where they're hiking, but the soil in arid areas is often very delicate and can take centuries to heal if damaged. It may be that just stepping off the trail would be irresponsible, let alone digging a hole and dropping in a turd.
There are lots of places like that, especially in areas where people like to hike since those places (mountains, deserts, small remote islands) are both intrinsically attractive to hikers and more likely to have escaped development compared to the nice gentle lowlands where there's plenty of water, not too much wind, less extreme temperatures, etc.
So I can't say for sure if this was one of those places, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised. The bag pooping may well just be in keeping with the vibe that this program is trying to project though, and not for any good reason.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:01 AM on August 3, 2016
There are lots of places like that, especially in areas where people like to hike since those places (mountains, deserts, small remote islands) are both intrinsically attractive to hikers and more likely to have escaped development compared to the nice gentle lowlands where there's plenty of water, not too much wind, less extreme temperatures, etc.
So I can't say for sure if this was one of those places, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised. The bag pooping may well just be in keeping with the vibe that this program is trying to project though, and not for any good reason.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:01 AM on August 3, 2016
Is the environment around the Ranch 4.0 sensitive enough that cat holes are a bad idea?
Yep! I mean, 'environment' is a big word, and 'sensitive enough' is a relative term. For the amount of human usage the Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area sees (interestingly and only tangentially related, 72% white, 11% latino, 6% Asian, <2% black), if everyone just dug a hole and pooped 30 yards from the trail there'd be three parallel 67-mile trails along the Backbone, one on each side of the hiking trail for poop holes. Yech. Plus, humans aren't the only mammals pooping out there and it would be a shame to make all the deer and cats and rabbits dodge human squats everywhere.
posted by carsonb at 11:44 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yep! I mean, 'environment' is a big word, and 'sensitive enough' is a relative term. For the amount of human usage the Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area sees (interestingly and only tangentially related, 72% white, 11% latino, 6% Asian, <2% black), if everyone just dug a hole and pooped 30 yards from the trail there'd be three parallel 67-mile trails along the Backbone, one on each side of the hiking trail for poop holes. Yech. Plus, humans aren't the only mammals pooping out there and it would be a shame to make all the deer and cats and rabbits dodge human squats everywhere.
posted by carsonb at 11:44 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Carsonb, I think there's a really interesting discussion to be had around why it is that backcountry recreation is such an overwhelmingly White activity in this country. This obviously isn't the thread (and I don't have a lot to contribute aside from the basic observation of "Boy, you sure don't see many PoC out on the trails!") but it's a thread I'd love to read if people with more insight into the matter wanted to have that conversation.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:35 PM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:35 PM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't have enough knowledge to do an FPP on the topic, but I do know some folks who did a paper: Why are there so few Hispanic students in geoscience? Results seemed to indicate that lack of outdoor experiences growing up, and lack of support from families due to not understanding the field contributed.
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:56 PM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:56 PM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, wow, my inner Boy Scout is surprised at the "Lol pooping in a bag? Why not just leave it in the woods?" although I recognize that growing up in a position where walking into the woods and sleeping on the ground on purpose/for fun is definitely a privilege thing. (There was an NPR piece about the lack of diversity among visitors to the National Parks a little while back.)
Not I can recall ever having actually pooping in a bag on a campout or hike; we tended to stay at established campgrounds with rustic facilities, and even on the big backcountry hike my troop did at Philmont (~8-10 miles a day) there was enough campsite infrastructure that I don't recall anyone having to carry their own poop between stops.
Recommended reading (seriously:) How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Conscious Guide to a Lost Art.
posted by usonian at 2:14 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Not I can recall ever having actually pooping in a bag on a campout or hike; we tended to stay at established campgrounds with rustic facilities, and even on the big backcountry hike my troop did at Philmont (~8-10 miles a day) there was enough campsite infrastructure that I don't recall anyone having to carry their own poop between stops.
Recommended reading (seriously:) How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Conscious Guide to a Lost Art.
posted by usonian at 2:14 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Some places you can poop in the woods, some places you can't. If an area is too delicate and/or popular, you need to pack everything out.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:38 PM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:38 PM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Recommended reading (seriously:) How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Conscious Guide to a Lost Art.
This book is great because it also has a chapter on how to PEE in the woods directed at women specifically. Extremely important if you have ever ended up with pee pants while hiking and wondered BUT HOW, HOW DO YOU NOT?
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:18 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
This book is great because it also has a chapter on how to PEE in the woods directed at women specifically. Extremely important if you have ever ended up with pee pants while hiking and wondered BUT HOW, HOW DO YOU NOT?
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:18 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think made-for-hiking skirts are starting to become a thing among women hikers. When you think about it, the advantages are obvious. I can only imagine that it simplifies the peeing logistics tremendously.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:55 AM on August 5, 2016
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:55 AM on August 5, 2016
Fshgirl, that's pretty dismissive of people for whom 4 hours is not "nothing". For whatever reason.
Ugh.
Some of us find it harder than others.
If you have a health problem, then yes it's going to be a tough goal but it's short-medium as hikes go. I think it is perfectly OK to be dismissive of charging over $1000/day for an exercise camp then taking already healthy people on medium length walks where they don't even have to carry their own water! Also I wish I had thought of this first
I walked three hours yesterday and not only did I not bring food, I didn't bring water and I was wearing jeans and it was raining and I am out of shape as I have been sick for a long time. Admittedly I got a bit lost, as I only meant to walk 2 hours and was tired by the end but I did not have to pay $1000 so I will call it a win.
Also guys you don't poop in the bag. You poop on the ground and pick it up with the bag, like for a dog. Think about it- how would you accurately poop into a small bag? If you have a poop bucket you can poop into the bag but they didn't.
You don't leave it because it all washes into the ocean in the seasonal rains and Santa Monica Bay is already disgusting enough. On the scale of gross poops only human is grosser than dog poop and it's waaaay grosser.
posted by fshgrl at 7:24 PM on August 7, 2016
Ugh.
Some of us find it harder than others.
If you have a health problem, then yes it's going to be a tough goal but it's short-medium as hikes go. I think it is perfectly OK to be dismissive of charging over $1000/day for an exercise camp then taking already healthy people on medium length walks where they don't even have to carry their own water! Also I wish I had thought of this first
I walked three hours yesterday and not only did I not bring food, I didn't bring water and I was wearing jeans and it was raining and I am out of shape as I have been sick for a long time. Admittedly I got a bit lost, as I only meant to walk 2 hours and was tired by the end but I did not have to pay $1000 so I will call it a win.
Also guys you don't poop in the bag. You poop on the ground and pick it up with the bag, like for a dog. Think about it- how would you accurately poop into a small bag? If you have a poop bucket you can poop into the bag but they didn't.
You don't leave it because it all washes into the ocean in the seasonal rains and Santa Monica Bay is already disgusting enough. On the scale of gross poops only human is grosser than dog poop and it's waaaay grosser.
posted by fshgrl at 7:24 PM on August 7, 2016
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posted by some loser at 4:59 PM on August 2, 2016 [12 favorites]