You think they ever get backed up at the gates of Heaven?
August 3, 2016 8:43 PM   Subscribe

Comedian Billy Domineau has written a spot-on spec script that takes place 3 years after the show went off the air: "Seinfeld - The Twin Towers".
posted by You Should See the Other Guy (77 comments total) 64 users marked this as a favorite
 
ESTELLE
Why was he getting lunch in the Financial District at 8 o’clock in the morning?!
FRANK
YOU CAN EAT LUNCH WHEN YOU WANT TO IN AMERICA. IT’S WHAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY GREAT!
ESTELLE
NO ONE EATS LUNCH THAT EARLY - YOU’RE INSANE!
FRANK
I’M A PATRIOT!
posted by unliteral at 8:48 PM on August 3, 2016 [6 favorites]


Next, we need a special in which Brexit turns out to be completely the fault of Mr. Bean.
posted by delfin at 8:55 PM on August 3, 2016 [26 favorites]


They really nail the tone, even down to side characters like Jackie Chiles, I will give them that.
posted by codacorolla at 9:11 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]


I mean, it must be a little bit exciting is all I'm saying!
posted by benzenedream at 9:22 PM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]


This was brilliant, and I could see it played out in my head perfectly.
posted by littlesq at 9:27 PM on August 3, 2016 [8 favorites]


This was brilliant, and I could see it played out in my head perfectly.

My brain was putting in the slap bass interludes
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:30 PM on August 3, 2016 [7 favorites]


"You know he was always talking about how evil America was? Eventually I told him, 'Why don’t you do something about it?' I thought he’d write to his Congressman!"

Perfect.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:31 PM on August 3, 2016 [13 favorites]


This writing is so brilliant that it reminded me exactly why I hate Seinfeld (how are the characters so unlikable?) while also pushing some deep dark 9/11 memory buttons. Wow.
posted by gusandrews at 9:33 PM on August 3, 2016 [7 favorites]


Sometimes we say "too soon", when jokes are made about tragic/difficult events...

For 9/11, it will always be "too soon"...
posted by HuronBob at 9:39 PM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]


That was uncanny. Wow.
posted by town of cats at 9:39 PM on August 3, 2016


My brain was putting in the slap bass interludes

Here's that slap bass.
posted by JoeZydeco at 9:42 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]


HB: Huh I was just coming to say "Not Too Soon": that was hysterical.
posted by BinGregory at 9:49 PM on August 3, 2016 [5 favorites]


Although Jerry lived on the UWS. His neighborhood would not have been covered in 9/11 dust. Just sayin'.
posted by praemunire at 9:59 PM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]


Next, we need a special in which Brexit turns out to be completely the fault of Mr. Bean.

Mr. Bean is undecided about how to vote on the morning of the Brexit vote and turns on Sky News. Hearing about MI6 possibly changing voters’ pencil marks, he grabs a fountain pen and inkwell before heading for the polls.

As he walks to the polls, he first comes across a Leave poster, complete with nationalist imagery and a Union Jack. He hears a nearby TV in a High Street shop playing “God Save the Queen” and he is quickly convinced he must vote Leave.

Later on, as he continues to softly hum “God Save the Queen” to himself, he passes by a Remain poster, featuring a picture of happy children of all ethnicities playing in a circle. He then notices a Polish maid waiting at a crosswalk who proceeds to assist an old blind man across the street in front of him, as well as a sale on fresh, warm pretzels being sold by a kindly German shopkeeper just ahead. Mr. Bean is summarily convinced to buy a pretzel and vote Remain.

Finally, he arrives at the polling station. After some trouble getting his ballot, he carefully pulls out his fountain pen and inkwell, and, after an inordinate amount of time preparing his own, studies the ballot and prepares to mark “Remain a member of the European Union”. Unfortunately, his pen fails to mark the ballot.

He then struggles with the pen for a few minutes, making a few test marks around “Leave the European Union”, one of which tears a hole through the “ve” of “Leave”. Ultimately, after shaking his pen rather violently to try to fix it, a blot of ink lands on the sheet of paper right where he had torn a hole.

Content that this has fixed the problem, Mr. Bean studies the ballot one last time. He prepares to mark “Remain a member of the European Union” again, but then notices that the other option appears to instead read “Lead the European Union”, thanks to the ink blot, tear and an errant scratch.

This clearly is the best option, and so he duly marks his ballot.

And that is the story of how Mr. Bean Voted Leave and Crashed the Economy.
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 9:59 PM on August 3, 2016 [81 favorites]


There's got to be a bit where he sees an immigrant with "Permanent Leave to Remain" in his passport and gets even more confused.
posted by BinGregory at 10:04 PM on August 3, 2016 [13 favorites]


Not too soon. Too late. Only mockery can save democracy.
posted by mwhybark at 11:15 PM on August 3, 2016 [3 favorites]


But where is The Mason? Who are the lizards?
posted by Apocryphon at 12:35 AM on August 4, 2016


That was superb.
posted by Bugbread at 3:00 AM on August 4, 2016


That was so spot on that for a few pages I forgot how much I hate Seinfeld because I was so impressed.

In J Michael Straczynski's book on script writing he talks about how people always submit spec scripts for the new, hot show to show off their writing chops when the ones he'd read would be for long-cancelled shows like Murder She Wrote, demonstrating a clear understanding of the characters, situation and themes instead of fanfic.
posted by Molesome at 4:12 AM on August 4, 2016 [15 favorites]


Ok this is pretty good
posted by grobstein at 4:38 AM on August 4, 2016


Wow. I'd imagine that's gone through several rewrites over the past 15 years to get it to that level of perfection... but wow. Whenever the author penned that, I'm glad they finally shared it. A hard topic, yes. Could I watch a movie about it? No. But that - pure comedy gold.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:40 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


I am sooooooooooo going to hell for enjoying this, but that was brilliant.
posted by prepmonkey at 5:17 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I could see and hear the dialogue, the bass interludes, the characters' mannerisms and outfits, pretty much everything about the show. Except the laugh track. There's no laugh track to this. My brain's studio audience is sitting there in mute horror, and I couldn't read past the first diner scene.
posted by disconnect at 5:29 AM on August 4, 2016 [7 favorites]


This is the Seinfeld finale we deserve.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:59 AM on August 4, 2016 [19 favorites]


The first scene at the Yankees didn't really ring right for me, but the next one at the coffee shop ("I thought he'd write his Congressman!") nailed it perfectly.
posted by AndrewInDC at 6:34 AM on August 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


But then, why should I fear dust when the real monster stands before us?

Beckett or Seinfeld? You decide.
posted by Cash4Lead at 6:40 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


I predict that by the end of the day this is going to need a Snopes page for us to direct our outraged and confused Facebook friends toward.
posted by ejs at 6:45 AM on August 4, 2016 [7 favorites]


Although Jerry lived on the UWS. His neighborhood would not have been covered in 9/11 dust. Just sayin'.

That stopped me in my tracks when I read that too. Monk's is up by Columbia, in the 110th St vicinity, miles north of the areas that were caked in dust. A lot of the details just ring totally false for anyone who followed the news at the time or are familiar with NYC. First responders would not have been getting recognition yet a few days after the attacks - the city was still in extreme crisis - and I am certain "Mo Atta" did not live in NY before the attacks (mostly Florida and Germany if I remember correctly). Also, Elaine getting that cell phone call about her boyfriend - cell phones in 2001 were much less widespread and not the primary contact number for everyone the way they are now - that's an anachronism.

That's just the first couple pages. Getting basic details so completely wrong is a kind of amateurish disrespect, I think, even if not intended to be so, and certainly deflates any comedy that might be there, particularly when it's risky to begin with.
posted by aught at 6:54 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


But then, why should I fear dust when the real monster stands before us?

Beckett or Seinfeld? You decide.


Pullman.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:01 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


Getting basic details so completely wrong is a kind of amateurish disrespect, I think, even if not intended to be so, and certainly deflates any comedy that might be there

OR is it that a comedy script is fudging facts for comedic effect, aka "making jokes?" It's fine if you don't find it funny, but you understand that Mo Atta being Kramer's friend is a bit, right, and not a lapse in jornalistic rigor?
posted by ejs at 7:30 AM on August 4, 2016 [18 favorites]


aught: "Getting basic details so completely wrong is a kind of amateurish disrespect, I think, even if not intended to be so, and certainly deflates any comedy that might be there, particularly when it's risky to begin with."

Amateurish, maybe, but if it deflates the comedy, then why are so many of us saying we enjoyed it? "Sure, you may have laughed, but you didn't find it funny."
posted by Bugbread at 7:32 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


That's just the first couple pages. Getting basic details so completely wrong is a kind of amateurish disrespect, I think, even if not intended to be so, and certainly deflates any comedy that might be there, particularly when it's risky to begin with.

I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic xylophone, or something?
posted by Mayor West at 7:41 AM on August 4, 2016 [10 favorites]


It's that distracting thing, though, where you know 'Monk's' is far enough north that it wouldn't be 'caked' and it takes you out of it a bit.
It is was funny in a 'way too much' way that some humor is. But I'm a delicate flower.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:43 AM on August 4, 2016


I took it to be Jerry's fussy perfectionist nature overstating what had happened.
posted by codacorolla at 7:48 AM on August 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


I am certain "Mo Atta" did not live in NY before the attacks

I'm reasonably sure that Kramer was likewise not IRL friends with Salman Rushdie.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:49 AM on August 4, 2016 [20 favorites]


Nailed the Steinbrenner monologue.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:49 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm reasonably sure that Kramer was likewise not IRL friends with Salman Rushdie.

You know nothing of my work.
posted by beerperson at 8:14 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


as long as we're nitpicking here, weren't the standup cold opens only used in s01?
posted by mwhybark at 8:18 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


I mean, I thought the script as a whole was funny, and lunatic touches like "Mo Atta" being Kramer's friend didn't bug me, but the dust was on a more realistic plane of the comedy, so that was jarring. It would indeed have been funnier if the worry about dust was treated as an anxiety entirely manufactured by Jerry's extreme fastidiousness.
posted by praemunire at 8:20 AM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is much better than the time Friends went to Kandahar.
posted by zippy at 8:41 AM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


STEINBRENNER
You know, I always knew you had a big heart. Not too big, mind you, reasonably big. You don’t want a heart too large - that’s why we had to cut Darryl Strawberry. Cocaine makes the chest swell. Like my face this time I went to Red Lobster. I’m not allergic to shellfish - a bee stung me in the restroom. That’s why we have such good pest control in the stadium. No bugs in the bathroom, George! Hey, that would be a good nickname for me. No- Bugs-In-The-Bathroom-George! We should get T-shirts made. People love T- shirts. You know, I’m not sure why we do those T-shirt giveaways - we’re losing money. I’m gonna reverse it. Pay For Your Own T-shirt Day!

That's Gold. Gold!
posted by Scoop at 8:51 AM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


Amateurish, maybe, but if it deflates the comedy, then why are so many of us saying we enjoyed it?

My bad for not putting needed "to me" disclaimers in my comments. I found the part I read (first ten pages maybe) not funny at all (and I've seen pretty much every episode of Seinfeld several times over). Mainly wincing and cringing.

Two other factors it makes me wonder about: is the feeling about the humor in this script different for people who identify with NYC (grew up in or near, or lived there for a time) versus not; and how is the general (to my sensibility) not-aging-that-well quality of the show in endless reruns a factor (Kramer's shtick for random example just isn't belly-laugh-worthy 15+ years on)?
posted by aught at 8:56 AM on August 4, 2016


This is much better than the time Friends went to Kandahar.

Or that time Paul and Jamie Buchman got stuck in an elevator during a blackout with Saddam Hussein.
posted by ejs at 9:04 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


as long as we're nitpicking here, weren't the standup cold opens only used in s01?

They were cut shorter and shorter as time went on, but they didn't disappear completely until after Season 7 (and reprised in the finale). The closing stand-up segment was eliminated several seasons before that.
posted by AndrewInDC at 9:07 AM on August 4, 2016


Monk's is up by Columbia, in the 110th St vicinity,

No its not. Tom's restaurant is by Columbia. Monks is not.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 10:12 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


So, when did it become acceptable to make laughs related to 9/11? I'm going to go with when this happened.
posted by Apocryphon at 10:31 AM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


is the feeling about the humor in this script different for people who identify with NYC (grew up in or near, or lived there for a time) versus not;

I'm a New Yorker, eternally and (in particular) I lived there in September 2001.

I'm pretty sure that helps me appreciate this more. (True for any Seinfeld though.)
posted by grobstein at 10:35 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


I love Seinfeld enough to offset everyone who hates it. Sorry, haters.
posted by mullacc at 10:39 AM on August 4, 2016 [10 favorites]


Motherfucker! I had hoped to finish my Seinfeld-on-9/11 spec script someday. It wouldn't have been good but so what. Sigh.

TRUMPED.
posted by waxbanks at 10:43 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Tom's restaurant is by Columbia. Monks is not.

Still, it's pretty obvious (I think there were even actual references to an actual address) that Jerry and Kramer live on the UWS. Just probably not that far north. When the show began, the area around 110th would have been deemed considerably more sketchy, I think.
posted by praemunire at 10:44 AM on August 4, 2016


I wonder if after Seinfeld2000 devastated Modern Seinfeld with edgy withering anti-humor, this script will bring back earnest Seinfeld pastiches back to the forefront. Are we ready back to go to the traditional Seinfeldian style instead of Weird Twitter troll absurdism? Truly 9/11 did spell the end of the age of irony.
posted by Apocryphon at 10:56 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


In a flashback episode to 2008, Frank introduces the gang to his millionaire friend, Ronald Blump, who is considering running for office.

Mac, who has just slept through the election due to a hangover and is pissed about "voter suppression" because he didn't think the election had been advertised enough, is excited about Blump's "outsider" voice in politics. Mac and Blump cotton to one another immediately, with Mac quickly taking on the role as Blump's everyman policy adviser. Mac's major accomplishment is convincing Blump of the importance of hats with slogans to a campaign.

Dee is jealous of Mac's immediate success with a man she nearly instantly identifies as a surrogate father figure. She decides to try and win him over with her "racially aware sketch comedy". Although Blump is entertained, he says that Dee is going a little too far, and declines her offer to work as a media and branding adviser.

Dennis, seeing Blump as a master controller and manipulator, makes efforts to become Blump's chief campaign strategist. Blump berates Dennis in an excoriating rant, causing him to break down crying, begging for Blump's approval.

Charlie is immediately disgusted by Blump, despite the rest of the gang's desire to seek his approval. After a number of run-ins with both Blump, and the rest of the gang as his supplicants, Charlie begins to secretly videotape and stalk Blump, capturing a number of embarrassing incidents in and around Philadelphia (buying drugs, hiring prostitutes, public masturbation). He shows this to the gang, along with Frank (who has been absent for the episode). They all agree that they never liked him anyway. Frank reveals that he had been cozying up to Blump in order to sell defective Chinese remaindered building supplies for Blump's real estate deals. Charlie summarily burns the incriminating video tape, as they all agree that Blump is a loser, and they won't be seeing any more of him.
posted by codacorolla at 10:58 AM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


I wonder if after Seinfeld2000 devastated Modern Seinfeld with edgy withering anti-humor, this script will bring back earnest Seinfeld pastiches back to the forefront.

Modern Seinfeld is basically Friends. Seinfeld2000 carries on the true spirit of the show.
posted by mullacc at 11:54 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


That was surprisingly uncomfortable to read!

But yes, well done, Mr. Domineau.
posted by emjaybee at 12:33 PM on August 4, 2016


Also, Elaine getting that cell phone call about her boyfriend - cell phones in 2001 were much less widespread and not the primary contact number for everyone the way they are now - that's an anachronism.

I moved to California in 1999 and already had a cell phone as my primary contact during the trip. I switched services a month or so after moving and the number I got then has been my primary contact ever since, and most of my friends were also using cell phones as primary contact in 2000. In fact, when we were sitting in the living room worrying and calling people on 9/11, my mom was somewhat of an outlier because I could reach her on a landline. I suspect your social circle may have been a little behind the times in 2001.
posted by tavella at 12:40 PM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


All I'm saying is my Murder, She Wrote script involves Jessica getting control of some surface to air missiles.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 1:08 PM on August 4, 2016 [9 favorites]


Also, Elaine getting that cell phone call about her boyfriend - cell phones in 2001 were much less widespread and not the primary contact number for everyone the way they are now - that's an anachronism.

I don't know exactly how prevalent they were in 2001, but my boyfriend and I both had cellphones on 9/11 in New York. I remember because they were useless -- cellphone networks were completely overloaded and wouldn't make calls (or at least Sprint's wouldn't).

That thing about there being dust on the UWS is certainly inaccurate though, and indeed jarring if you lived there at the time. I don't think it extended much north of 14th st (and Brooklyn Heights).
posted by pocketfullofrye at 2:26 PM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Lots of people on Flight 93 also made cellphone calls, right? So while not ubiquitous, they certainly weren't rare, either.
posted by Bugbread at 3:45 PM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Not cell phones. They were using those phones that were built into the back of the seat in front of you with a credit card swipey thing.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 3:49 PM on August 4, 2016


Here's an article about cell phone calls from the planes from 9/14/2001. I was on a plane that was waylaid in Kansas City on 9/11 and a lot of the passengers, myself included, guot the news via cell phone. Calling a cell phone an anachronism in 2001 is just strange.
posted by ejs at 3:58 PM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]




I'm pretty sure I got a call from my mom in my cellphone the morning of 9/11. She was saying something absurd about a tower falling down. It made no sense.

:(
posted by grumpybear69 at 4:36 PM on August 4, 2016


That thing about there being dust on the UWS is certainly inaccurate though, and indeed jarring if you lived there at the time. I don't think it extended much north of 14th st (and Brooklyn Heights).

Well, with the exception of the anthrax envelope the dust in the episode is all from Jerry's POV, so there's no need to treat it as a component of objective reality. His neat freak neurosis has been thrown into overdrive and it's how he is written as expressing his trauma.
posted by mwhybark at 4:56 PM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm reasonably sure that Kramer was likewise not IRL friends with Salman Rushdie

No, but Bob Sacamanto probably was.

His neat freak neurosis has been thrown into overdrive and it's how he is written as expressing his trauma.

Exactly. This is a guy who threw away his shoelaces because they touched the men's bathroom floor. I found it perfectly in character.
posted by littlesq at 5:38 PM on August 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


That was my impression from the get-go: it's all in Jerry's head, and everyone else is just confused. I think it's the kind of thing that the directors in the show were always really good at conveying, but that doesn't necessarily come through immediately in a screenplay.
posted by codacorolla at 6:02 PM on August 4, 2016


In an early scene set at Monk's:

"ELAINE

Jeeze, can you believe how quickly

they got this place cleaned up? This

entire block was covered in dust!"

So unless you think Jerry is actually hallucinating Elaine's lines...
posted by praemunire at 6:12 PM on August 4, 2016


This script sucks. You fucked up the dust.
posted by benzenedream at 9:16 PM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]


Thank god original Seinfeld episodes never bent the truth or deviated from fact to suit the story
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:40 PM on August 4, 2016 [5 favorites]


Ray Walston, Luck Dragon: "Thank god original Seinfeld episodes never bent the truth or deviated from fact to suit the story"

Not only that, but the initial scripts, before script review, were also completely inaccuracy-free. Pretty amazing, actually.
posted by Bugbread at 9:54 PM on August 4, 2016


The Steinbrenner speech is fucking hilarious.
posted by Dokterrock at 12:43 AM on August 5, 2016


This is much better than the time Friends went to Kandahar.

I think that was The One Where They Go To Kandahar.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:45 AM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Dust on the Upper West Side" is going to be the new evidence for the 9/11 Truther, planned demolition crowd, isn't it? What hath Billy Domineau wrought?
posted by ejs at 6:52 AM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Billy Domineau

I never heard of this Billy Domineau. And frankly, it sounds made up.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 11:04 AM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Be kudos to Arrested Development for actually going to Iraq. On the show. Bigger kudos if the cast went to shoot on location.
posted by Apocryphon at 2:54 PM on August 5, 2016


I was on my third cell phone by 2001. Nice little (like the size of Trump's tiny little fingers small) Nokia 8260. Even did bidirectional text messaging. Freaked people the fuck out since they mostly had no idea where those messages were coming from. (People with GSM service excluded, but that was not widespread outside of major cities at the time)

Also, it lasted nearly a week on a charge, which was a good thing since I hadn't charged my phone in days when someone called me on it (and woke me up) with the news. And thank God for TiVo. Without it, I would have been stuck in the all 9/11 all the time freakout and probably had a mental breakdown from the stress. Instead I watched a bunch of shit I'd recorded off the Game Show Network for much of the week along with some back episodes of Politically Incorrect (kinda ironic to me that Maher got his ass fired the day they resumed regular programming) and limited my news viewing to a couple hours a day.

More topically, I thought this script was far funnier than Seinfeld ever actually was. Not that that is a terribly high bar.
posted by wierdo at 12:05 AM on August 6, 2016


zippy: "This is much better than the time Friends went to Kandahar."

"I'm going to Yemen!"
posted by Rhaomi at 7:43 PM on August 6, 2016


In a flashback episode to 2008, Frank introduces the gang to his millionaire friend, Ronald Blump, who is considering running for office.

I'm not buying it. The show punches much harder than this when it gets into politics.

Instead, I'm thinking something more like:

THE GANG STUMPS FOR TRUMP

Charlie and Dennis are watching one of Donald Trump's campaign speeches. "I can't believe this!" Charlie shrieks. "Is this how far we've come in America? That this man is who we've picked to represent us to the world?"

"Now, now, Charlie," Dennis chastises. "I think this man is exactly what our country needs. Not a good, upstanding moral citizen. Not a man who gets elected for his 'experience', or his 'savvy'. Not even a man who knows how to run a business, or how to build a casino in a major American city without its getting run into the ground. But a man who understands that, fundamentally, what the people of this nation want is a sideshow. They're not looking for a leader. They're looking for a man who makes them feel led. And I feel that Donald Trump... is the kind of man who'll make them walk off any cliff he needs them to."

"What are you even saying, man?!" Charlie is all kinds of het up about this. "This man is a liar! We can't trust him with the fabric of our democracy! He wasn't even born in the United States!"

"That may be," replies Dennis, "but he—now hang on a minute. What was that you just said?"

"He isn't an American! That's what he wants you to think, that's what he needs the people of this country to believe, but you and I both know that Donald Trump was born and raised in Kenya!"

As they bicker on and on (Charlie: "It's not that I dislike Kenyans, it's just the principle of the thing."), they are interrupted by Frank walking in in a poorly-fitted business suit, and Dee dressed up in something that tries and fails to look seductive. Frank reveals that he's organizing for Donald Trump's campaign, because "when that orange turd becomes the president, he'll give his richest followers kickbacks out the wazoo!" Dee finds his politics abhorrent, but does see a lot of appeal in becoming his next hot trophy wife, so she can divorce his ass and make millions (not to mention headlines across the country).

Mac joins up with Frank and Dee, partly because Donald Trump is a good Christian (a claim which Dee successfully tears him to pieces over at some point), but for the most part it's because he's convinced that Hillary Clinton is the honest-to-god Antichrist. He compares her to Nicolae Carpathia from Left Behind, and talks about how all of her various instances of international competence merely prove that she's been put on this planet to destroy it, whereas Donald Trump's inability to comprehend other nations just makes him the strong, powerful leader America deserves. Not to mention, abortion, feminism, and gay rights (and Mac is obviously much too het up over this last one for anybody not to get suspicious). Dennis, on the other hand, goes around with Charlie for most of the episode, as Charlie attempts to rally his fellow Philadelphian conspiracy theorists to join his anti-Trump birtherism campaign. Dennis is in this, of course, to prove to Charlie that Americans are little more than sheep, and that they deserve "the wolf that'll put them truly in their place."

As the episode unfolds, Frank and Dee wind up making Mac do all the work in their headquarters, even though he goes into rages at the one woman who shows up to volunteer for the Trump campaign. Frank arranges a conference of union leaders, preferably the guys from season 2, to rally up support, but is offended to learn that they're unanimously in favor of Clinton. Mac, ignoring Frank's crafty double-talk, flat-out tells them that the Gang is looking for their support so they can leave the unions to hang after the election, "just like Donald Trump always does!", and is summarily fired. He winds up finding his people among Charlie's Antichrist-believing conspiracy theorists, outraging Dennis, who feels that Mac is "out-Trumping" him by giving these suckers a narrative more their style. Charlie, too, is outraged, and winds up returning to Frank and Dee's headquarters as Mac and Dennis fight it out.

Dee, meanwhile, approaches Frank with a video highlighting her appeal to Trump, emphasizing her "business expertise" (flashbacks to Invigaron), her "gritty sex appeal" (clips from her smut film), and her "broad demographic appeal" (her bit as Martina Martinez talking to the trash union—particularly the extra-racist bit from that). Frank's bit about how "broad demographics are the opposite of what this campaign needs!" aside, the bigger issue is that Dee isn't trying to emulate Melania Trump, she's trying to copy Ivanka. Citing all manner of Trump's behavior towards Ivanka, Dee insists that she's going to become "Ivanka two-point-oh", giving Trump a completely irresistible new-wife target.

Charlie returns and makes Frank a new proposition: how about they blackmail Donald Trump, by stealing a copy of his birth certificate? After a bit about how hard birth certificates are to procure and about how Charlie's mother destroyed his when he was seven in a bid to get him free dental coverage, Charlie pivots, first to stealing tax returns, then to stealing emails. "After all, you grab somebody's emails, no way anybody's gonna trust them after that!" He tells Frank that if Frank buys him a computer, Charlie'll do all the hacking. Frank's understandably skeptical, but Dee jumps on board, so long as Charlie agrees to blackmail Trump into marrying Dee instead. (Insert offensive sexist comment about how blackmail's the only way Trump would ever want to marry Dee here.)

Mac storms into Paddy's Pub triumphantly, telling Frank that "these are your volunteers! Right here, buddy!" Behind him are all the deranged conspiracy people. "We can't win the elections with this riff-raff!" says Frank. "We've already won over the fringe! What we need are the people who'll tell suckers like this whatever they want to hear to get their votes!" Furious at this, Mac insists that "what we've got here are the real American people, and they're gonna put your phony ass right out of a job!" He points at Frank and yells "Show him what America's made of!", and his mob summarily screams and charges Frank's way.

Dennis, meanwhile, returns home to Dee's apartment to find her and Charlie frantically searching the web, where they've found, not emails, but outtakes from Dee's smut film that Dee didn't know existed. As she gets frantically obsessed with deleting these from the Internet, completely losing focus, Dennis and Charlie bond over their fury towards Mac's mob—Dennis because these people are "all America is or ever was: desperately clinging to the first two-cent person who'll feed their feverish delusions of what this nation used to be!" and Charlie because "These people don't care about the truth. They're caught up in these delusions, so much that they don't even bother looking around and seeing what their preposterous beliefs have done to our country!"

At which point Dennis gets a call from Mac, frantically asking for his help. The camera pans away from Mac to reveal that the mob has completely ignored Frank, and is instead just smashing and setting fire to random parts of the bar. "It'll cost me the rest of my campaign funds just to rebuild this place!" moans Frank. But Mac ignores him. "I need you to come over and give these people the leader they deserve," he tells Dennis. "A leader who puts them right back where they all belong!"

"I'll be there right away," says Dennis, smirking, and he hangs up.

"So, are we going to Paddy's Pub?" asks Charlie.

"Charlie," asks Dennis, "why would we let ourselves be put in that position? What we have here is a perfect opportunity." The tone gets more sinister. "The people have spoken. They have left the bar in ruins. And when they look around, what will they see? They'll see Frank, spending money they've never had in their lives to eliminate every sign of their presence. And they will see Mac, who told them who their enemy was, and let them go to town—and when everything was said and done, what will they get out of it? Nothing. All we have to do is swoop back in in a few years, and tell them Mac and Frank are to blame, and they'll go wherever we point them."

A devilish grin spreads across Charlie's face. "And then we'll have them right where we want them."

"You've got it, buddy," says Dennis. "We'll send them wherever it benefits us for them to go."

"Yes they will," says Charlie. "Yes they will."

Without turning around, he lets out an authoritative shout.

"Dee! You'd better find us those emails, because the plan has changed. We're gonna need all that money after all... because in four years' time, we'll be sending forty-odd people on the quickest flight to Kenya."

Beat. Dennis's face shifts from evil schemer to consternated horror.

Cut to credits, possibly with some traditional Kenyan music playing in the background.
posted by rorgy at 2:21 PM on August 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


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