"For God’s sakes, it’s just a snake vagina."
August 11, 2016 10:00 AM   Subscribe

Among the Lizard People: Silent Connections at the Reptile Expo
posted by Faint of Butt (22 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Wow. The lady mocking the author because her childhood memories couldn't POSSIBLY match the bearded dragon on her arm... I think she is a bad salesperson. If someone says "This animal is exactly like the one I had as a kid!" your response should be to immediately agree, milk that nostalgia into a sale.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:13 AM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


"Tortoises,” she corrected, but didn’t seem to have an answer for me. What I really wanted to ask was why she’d chosen the least enthusiastic pets on the planet to dedicate her time to.


Oh, they are not unenthusiastic when they breed. Not unenthusiastic at all.


It doesn't even have to be with each other. One of my friends was telling me she would tortoise sit for a couple she knew while they traveled. One time, they came back from Australia with a rock that "looked just like Timmy!"








"He sure did love fuckin' that rock!" she said.

He loved it so much they had to reinforce his shell with duct tape. They tried hiding the rock, but he would seek it out despondently, occasionally making sad tortoise noises, calling out to his missing wife.


So.. they possess a certain enthusiasm. Feel free to seek out the videos on your own, I am not linking them. That's on you.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [15 favorites]


I think she is a bad salesperson

I suspect people don't get into reptile breeding for the money.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:15 AM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Reptile Expo promo giveaway idea #83: First 100 attendees get free shrinkwrapped rat bag.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:21 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Snakes don't have vaginas
posted by clockzero at 10:22 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


They're a third-party add-on that you can get installed by your dealer.
posted by delfin at 10:23 AM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Who is selling freeze dried crocodile heads and why? Who is buying them?
posted by dilaudid at 10:28 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Snakes don't have vaginas

Nobody knows how to pronounce "cloaca".
posted by GuyZero at 10:31 AM on August 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


Sad tortoise noises

I require an example of such sounds please

In my head I imagine that scene from The Princess Diaries where Larry Miller makes that boy moose sound as he's doing Mia's hair but I don't think that's quite right
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:36 AM on August 11, 2016


Feel free to seek out the videos on your own, I am not linking them. That's on you.

Somebody's gotta do it.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:38 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thanks Johnny. Now I know 1) what turtle sex noises sound like and 2) that male tortoises are randy enough to hump a shoe.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:51 AM on August 11, 2016


“Uh-oh, it’s female.” He put it down. “I — I have to go wash my hands.”

He ran off, leaving us alone with the aroused corn snake. One girl leaned over to the other, “For God’s sakes, it’s just a snake vagina.”
The author should have explained this. For that matter, he should have also explained that snakes don't have vaginas, as clockzero notes above.

Lady corn snakes emit methyl ketones (pheromones) through glands in their cloacae. If the vendor is going to be handling other corn snakes, then having his fingers coated in pheromones might cause behavioral issues. Potential customers may not appreciate a male snake extending a hemipenis and trying to mate with their fingers, so the guy is definitely better off washing his hands.
posted by zarq at 10:54 AM on August 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


Hemipenis (Plural: hemipenes): "...one of a pair of intromittent organs of male squamates (snakes, lizards and worm lizards). Hemipenes are usually held inverted within the body, and are everted for reproduction via erectile tissue, much like that in the human penis. They come in a variety of shapes, depending on species, with ornamentation, such as spines or hooks."

Pictures. (possibly NSFW)

In case anyone was wondering.
posted by zarq at 10:58 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


This thread is full of sexy joy!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:01 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


It's as natural as the turtles and the snakes, man.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:05 AM on August 11, 2016


Snakes don't have vaginas

That makes my tattoo even more embarrassing
posted by beerperson at 11:11 AM on August 11, 2016 [14 favorites]


That makes my tattoo even more embarrassing

I guess it's Metafilter's Own Joe Biden now.
posted by The Gaffer at 11:48 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Related

I love the name "Cape Fear Serpentarium." A place name, sure, but so very, very, apropos.
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:01 PM on August 11, 2016


I love the name "Cape Fear Serpentarium." A place name, sure, but so very, very, apropos.

Another online acquaintance mentioned the Cape Fear Serpentarium a while back and I ended up going down a little rabbit hole tracking its owner, a highly self-regarding self-taught herpetologist and singer (apparently).
posted by atoxyl at 1:03 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Back in grad school I had a colleague who did her Master's thesis on the male reproductive structures in anoles (sometimes called "American chameleons"). She was PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of saying "hemipene" without first pausing, taking a quick breath, and turning beet red in embarassment - every single time. Given that she had to talk about the hemipene at length (no pun intended) it was simultaneously highly amusing and painful to watch her dissertation presentation.

Good thing she wasn't in the adjacent lab, where much of the daily work consisted of weighing hamster testes... (that's a different kind of hamster ball altogether)
posted by caution live frogs at 1:18 PM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Wow. The lady mocking the author because her childhood memories couldn't POSSIBLY match the bearded dragon on her arm... I think she is a bad salesperson. If someone says "This animal is exactly like the one I had as a kid!" your response should be to immediately agree, milk that nostalgia into a sale.

Actually, I think she's doing okay:
“Just like him?” Cinnamon’s owner scoffed. “Cinnamon has very distinguishing spots on his back, see, here. Most Pogona Bearded Dragons don’t have markings like these.”
The more unusual the colors, markings or patterns your animals have, the greater value they will bring. The salesperson is pointing out what makes Cinnamon worth the money, she's not just any Pogona Bearded Dragon, she has these distinct markings.

In the bigger picture, responsible breeders often feel very strongly about finding responsible buyers, someone with the ability and interest to take good care their snakes or reptiles. Just like a puppy or kitten shouldn't be an impulse purchase for a family unprepared to provide care, it's a bit inhumane to sell a bearded dragon to just anyone, such as the author who doesn't seem to have much knowledge or enthusiasm beyond her nostalgia.
posted by peeedro at 2:45 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


...a highly self-regarding self-taught herpetologist and singer (apparently).

He's the guy who tells tales of snake lore while he feeds the reptiles for public viewing at 3pm on Saturdays. He's very dramatic. He's interviewed about getting bit by a bushmaster here [pdf]. Well worth a visit if you're down that way.
posted by Mental Wimp at 6:00 PM on August 11, 2016


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