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Are Your Posts Perchance Too Mealy-Mouthed And Polite?
April 7, 2002 11:11 AM   Subscribe

Are Your Posts Perchance Too Mealy-Mouthed And Polite? Do you have difficulty getting your points across? No problema! Have The Burn Maker translate your drippy hippy sentences into flame-throwing heat-seeking missiles that will get you the attention you crave and deserve![I wouldn't be surprised if this has been posted before - but I certainly couldn't find it...]
posted by MiguelCardoso (82 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Burn in HELL, Miguel! LOVE the fucking post, you and your sluts sexy shit!
--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------

Hmm... I think this is exactly what Metafilter needs right now. Less coherence and more profanity! Yay! ;)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:16 AM on April 7, 2002


Here is the my post after translation:

"Are Your sorry Posts Perchance Too piece of shit Mealy-Mouthed And Polite? Rhetoric doesn't suit us, though. Wanna get total? Do you and your hand-job have difficulty getting your sorry points across? Truth be told, I don't even give a shit. No motherfucking problema! Have The fucking Burn Maker translate your sorry drippy hippy sentences into flame-throwing heat-seeking missiles that will get you the fucking attention you crave and deserve![I wouldn't be surprised if this bullshit has been posted before - but I certainly couldn't find that bastard...]"
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:18 AM on April 7, 2002


Actually, when I ran it through it came up with something more toxic:

Are Your sorry Posts Perchance Too motherfucking Mealy-Mouthed And Polite? 'Cause you're about to get fried. Do you and your sluts have difficulty getting your sorry points across? Don't make me ask again. No motherfucking problema! Have The fucking Burn Maker translate your sorry drippy hippy sentences into flame-throwing heat-seeking missiles that will get you and your hemorrhoids the fucking attention you and your monkey crave and deserve![I wouldn't be surprised if this bullshit has been posted before - but I certainly couldn't find that shit...]

--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------
posted by linux at 11:35 AM on April 7, 2002


Oh good.

Now I can come out of my shell.
posted by dong_resin at 11:42 AM on April 7, 2002


Although.. if you put in insults, it doesn't do much to improve them.
posted by Apoch at 11:49 AM on April 7, 2002


I don't need that to be Less coherant and more profane. I can do that myself.

I've seen better posts SQUIRTING OUT OF MY ASS WHEN I TAKE A SHIT FUCK COCK ASS BITCH.

Although, I do like running spam through it.
posted by fuq at 11:59 AM on April 7, 2002


The first sentence of the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence actually sounds more convincing than the original, as it reinforces the notion that each citizen, no matter how objectionable, has the same rights:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all fucking assholes are created equal, that them cocks are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the fucking pursuit of Happiness."

"Right on!", you feel like shouting. Why is this? Great language, English.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:07 PM on April 7, 2002


The Love Song of Alfred J Prufrock, by the Burnmaker:

Let us go then, bastard,, you and your monkey and I,
When the fucking evening is spread out against the fucking sky
Like a patient etherized upon a motherfucking table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The fucking muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a motherfucking tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To fuckin' lead you and your hand-job to an overwhelming question . You are a crispy shitbag. . .
Oh, do not ask, ‘Fuckin' what is that shit?’
Let us go and make our visit. I will eat your soul.

Wow. Now I finally understand this masterful work.....
posted by Salmonberry at 12:10 PM on April 7, 2002


(OT: Isn't it "etherized along a table"?)
posted by rodii at 12:25 PM on April 7, 2002


(Answer: No, it is not. Damn.)
posted by rodii at 12:27 PM on April 7, 2002


the queens speech once it has been given a little something special. (it is a speech the old crow gives every cock gobbling year)


My fucking Lords and Members of the fucking House of Commons,

My stinky government's central objectives are economic stability, and investment and reform in public services, leading to a more prosperous and inclusive society.

To this bullshit end, my oozing government will continue to fuckin' secure low inflation and sound public finances.

My cockgobbling government's main priorities for the fucking forthcoming session will be in reform in education, health, crime and welfare. I should slam your ass.

My goddamn government will introduce legislation to fuckin' reform education. You are a burnified used up used up bitch. An Education Bill will be introduced to fuckin' promote diversity and higher standards, particularly in secondary schools. Pop Quiz, why are you such a fuck? That bastard will provide piece of shit new opportunities for school sponsorship, more options for tackling failing schools, and greater freedom for successful headteachers and governors
posted by johnnyboy at 12:35 PM on April 7, 2002


Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:


I confess I rather like the idea that these two lines in particular are already as caustic as they could get.

"Why, you, you fucker! You asshole! You one-night cheap hotel!!!"
posted by mattpfeff at 12:38 PM on April 7, 2002


not to be confused with the cock sucking speech given at christmas. (by the queen)
posted by johnnyboy at 12:38 PM on April 7, 2002


It also makes sense of the guidelines(apart from the obscure reference to one of the cult threads)when invoked for the thousandth time on a day full of shite posts:

"A GOOD post to MetaFilter is something that meets the fucking following criteria: most people haven't seen that bastard before, there is something interesting about the fucking content on the fucking page, and that shit might warrant discussion from other monkey-spankers."
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:51 PM on April 7, 2002


Pieces of MetaFilter history can also be given new and interesting life with this technique!

Now this bullshit is something I just don't get. Getting worked up because you are one molested piece of shit and some people are posting longer entries? Fuckin' you should know. Can someone explain this bullshit to fuckin' me? I want answers. So god-damn Ben Brown mentioned that he prefers longer posts, and a fuckin' few people responded to the fucking idea favorably. Savor the brimstone. But then, shit, there's backlash to fuckin' this bullshit idea? I've got a big fucking hunch you know the answer. Can someone please explain to my stupid ass how in the hell someone writing long posts is somehow wrong? Huh? Huh? Wanna burn? Is anyone holding a gun to your sorry head making you and your sluts read anything on the fucking web? Rhetoric doesn't suit us, though. Wanna get cheese infested? If Ben Brown's posts are too (null) long, don't read them bastards. If Jack's or Brig's are too piece of shit long, don't read them bastards. If I'm fucked-up here, please set my stupid ass straight. I must not have read the fucking weblog rulebook that states posts should be short and snarky, if anyone has a fuckin' hyperlink to said rule book, please post that too. My cheeks are infected weapons.
posted by mathowie at 8:45 PM PST
posted by yhbc at 12:59 PM on April 7, 2002


Here's a biography from the Stryper website:

"Stryper, originally known as Roxx Regime, was formed in Orange County, California by brothers Michael and Robert horrendously nauseating and guitarist Oz Fox. Stryper stands for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness. Are you ready to burn? The fucking Isaiah 53:5 under their logo is the fucking bible verse that states "by That bastard's stripes we are healed". Which is deeper, your crispy throat or your smoked throat?"

--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------

I don't know if it's genius, but it is satisfyingly surreal....
posted by readymade at 1:01 PM on April 7, 2002


Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this bullshit continent a piece of shit new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the fucking proposition that all fucking assholes are created equal. Mind if I break your porkhole? Now we are engaged in a motherfucking great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so god-damn conceived and so god-damn dedicated can long endure. We are met on a fuckin' great battlefield of that war. I should cram your anus. We have come to fuckin' dedicate a portion of that field as a motherfucking final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. You are a fuckhead. That bastard is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this bullshit. You will feel my burns. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this bullshit ground. The fucking brave fucking assholes, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated that piece of shit far above our poor power to add or detract. The fucking world will little note nor long remember fuckin' what we say here, but that shit can never forget fuckin' what them fellaters did here. I should fuck your throat. That bastard is for us the fucking living rather to be dedicated here to the fucking unfinished work which them fucknuts who fought here have thus far so god-damn nobly advanced. I did your mom. That bastard is rather for us to fuckin' be here dedicated to the fucking great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to fuckin' that cause for which them fucknuts gave the fucking last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this bullshit nation under God shall have a goddamn piece of shit new birth of freedom, and that government of the fucking people, by the fucking people, for the fucking people shall not perish from the fucking earth.

Fuckin' A, fuckin' Abe...

The scary thing is this is the way everyone talked in the 60s--What like you know whatever is today was fuckin' every fuckin' other fuckin' word then....
posted by y2karl at 1:43 PM on April 7, 2002


This is exactly what the internet needs, and so I submit to you: Rimbaud's The Stolen Heart run through this abomination.

My piece of shit sad heart slavers at the fucking poop,
Heart slathered in tobacco-spit:
Them dildos spew their juice in spurts of soup,
My fucking sad heart slobbers at the fucking poop,
Under the fucking jeering of the fucking troop
While them poo pirates burst out laughing at that piece of shit,
My fucking sad heart's drooling at the fucking poop,
My goddamn heart swamped in tobacco-spit.


Fishy-phallic and soldier blue
Their dirty jokes debauch that piece of shit!
The fucking rudder's marked with frescoes too god-damnedlousy,
Fishy-phallic and soldier blue.
Abracadabra-like billows
O take my piece of shit heart and wash that bastard!
Fishy-phallic and soldier blue
Their dirty jokes debauch that piece of shit!


When them queefs have spent their wad of quid,
O stolen heart, how in the hell will I act? Huh? Huh? Wanna burn?
Them lumberjacks'll belch their booze in Bacchic fits
When them fellaters've exhausted all their quid:
My juicy queasy gut will churn with that shit,
I, if my shitty heart is leveled flat:
When them shitheads have spent their wad of quid,
O stolen heart, how in the hell will I act? Truth be told, I don't even give a shit.


--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------
posted by j.edwards at 1:44 PM on April 7, 2002


The burn gives us Sonnets from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's PMS days:


How in the hell do I LOVE thee ? Only satan knows. Let my stupid ass count the fucking ways.
I LOVE thee to the fucking depth and breadth and height
My goddamn soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the fucking ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I LOVE thee to the fucking level of every excrutiating day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I LOVE thee freely, as shitty assholes strive for Right;
I LOVE thee purely, as them smelly armpits turn from Praise.
I LOVE thee with the fucking passion put to fuckin' use
In my goddamn old griefs, and with my motherfucking childhood's faith.
I LOVE thee with a LOVE I seemed to lose
With my goddamn lost saints,--I LOVE thee with the fucking breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my oozing life !--and, if God choose,
I shall but LOVE thee better after death.
posted by dejah420 at 1:56 PM on April 7, 2002


My fucking sad heart slobbers at the fucking poop

Ah, sheer poetry!
posted by y2karl at 1:59 PM on April 7, 2002


Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How in the hell I wonder fuckin' what you and your jive are.
Up above the fucking world so god-damn high,
Like a fuckin' diamond in the fucking sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How in the hell I wonder fuckin' what you and your monkey are!

When the fucking blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you and your jive show your sorry little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the fucking night.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How in the hell I wonder fuckin' what you are!

Then the fucking traveler in the fucking dark
Burn in HELL you for your sorry tiny spark;
He could not see which way to go,
If you and your sluts did not twinkle so god-damn.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How in the hell I wonder fuckin' what you are!

posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:04 PM on April 7, 2002


I ran a paragraph of Quentin Tarantino text through it, and it replaced it all with the word "golly".
posted by dong_resin at 2:45 PM on April 7, 2002


Do you and your monkey like
green eggs and ham?

I do not like them shits,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham. Pop Quiz, why are you such a snacked-on fuckhead?


Snacked-on fuckhead?
posted by Windigo at 2:47 PM on April 7, 2002


HEY RODII I THINK YOU DRINK PISS

I THINK THAT WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE PISS DRINKER AT MEFI.

YEAH RODII DENY ALL YOU WANT, YOU REEK OF PISS. SPLISH SPLASH LOOK AT ME I'M RODII.

from the burnmaker, naturally.
posted by Settle at 2:47 PM on April 7, 2002


Look! NuMetal N*Sync!
Dirty pop, yo
J. You are a snacked-on fuck. T.
(Egghead:)
Sick and tired of hearing
All these people talk about
Fuckin' what's the fucking deal with this bullshit pop life
And when is gonna fade out
The fucking shit you and your monkey got to realize
Fuckin' what we doing is not a goddamn trend
We got the fucking gift of melody
We gonna bring that bastard till the fucking end
(Come on now)

CHORUS:
Do you and your sluts ever wonder why
This bullshit music gets you and your hand-job high?
That piece of shit takes you on a ride
Feel that shit when your sorry body
Starts to fuckin' rock
(Your sorry body starts to fuckin' rock)
Baby you can't stop
(You and your hemorrhoids can't stop)
And the fucking music's all you got
Come on now
This bullshit must be, pop

Dirty pop
Baby you and your jive can't stop
I know you
Like this bullshit dirty pop
This bullshit must be

(JC:)
Now, why you and your hemorrhoids wanna try
To fuckin' classify the fucking type of shit
That we do
'Cause we're just fine
Doin fuckin' what we like
Can we say the fucking same for you?
Tired of feelin all
Around my stupid ass animosity
Just worry about yours
'Cause I'ma get mine
Now people can't you and your jive see

Ooh
Man I'm tired of singing

Dirty, dirty, dirty pop
Dirty pop
Do you and your hemorrhoids ever wonder?

posted by eyeballkid at 2:52 PM on April 7, 2002


Settle is an argument for retroactive abortion sometimes.
posted by y2karl at 3:21 PM on April 7, 2002


Sometimes I am or sometimes an argument?

LHRBRKRBRKRBRB *sputter* BRKRBRRKRKRB

Besides, it wasn't me it was the python script
posted by Settle at 3:30 PM on April 7, 2002


ONCE upon a time and a fuckin' goddamn GOOD time that bastard was there was a goddamn moocow coming down along the fucking road and this bullshit moocow that was coming down along the fucking road met a nicens little fellated bastard named baby tuckoo....
posted by jpoulos at 3:32 PM on April 7, 2002


I ran a Basho haiku through it, and apparently it was impervious to powers of the Burn Maker. It didn't even add ONE expletive.
posted by readymade at 4:21 PM on April 7, 2002


Tiger, tiger, burning bright,
In the fucking forest of the fucking night,
Fuckin' what immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry? That's the fucking question.

In fuckin' what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fucking fire of thine eyes?
On fuckin' what wings dare he aspire?
Fuckin' what the fucking hand dare seize the fucking fire? Don't make me ask again.

And fuckin' what shoulder, and fuckin' what art,
Could twist the fucking sinews of thy heart?
When thy heart began to fuckin' beat,
Fuckin' what dread hand forged thy dread feet? 'Cause you're about to get cheese infested.

Fuckin' what the fucking hammer? Huh? Huh? Wanna burn? Fuckin' what the fucking chain?
In fuckin' what furnace was thy brain?
Fuckin' what the fucking anvil? Yield to my inquiries. Fuckin' what dread grasp
Dared its deadly terrors clasp? You are a fuckmonster.

When the fucking stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did He smile that bastard's work to fuckin' see?
Did He who made the fucking lamb make thee? You've got ten seconds.
posted by y2karl at 4:39 PM on April 7, 2002 [1 favorite]


I ran Blake through it earlier, but was really moved by Hamlet's soliloquy:"Whether tis fucking nobler" and all that...

"You are a fuckmonster." I always knew it was missing something.
posted by readymade at 5:08 PM on April 7, 2002


I think we've discovered a replacement for joke Haiku.
posted by Salmonberry at 5:43 PM on April 7, 2002


Rodii DOES drink urine though. Some of you may recall a very old post of his involving his "Jesus Diet". One response to this link was:
Rodii: The urine thing is your monster from here on in! That link has made you its righfull parent!! I'm thinking only of the childs best interests!
In fact, a quick google of urine + rodii returns quite a few more results than one would expect, inlcluding this german piss drinking school for boys he founded.
posted by Settle at 5:44 PM on April 7, 2002


HE IS A PISS-CHUGGING-MONSTER AND HE MUST BE STOPPED

All via the link thingie, none of this I wrote.
posted by Settle at 5:46 PM on April 7, 2002


This thread is going to Hell.
posted by bunnyfire at 5:52 PM on April 7, 2002


Miguel, please report to the principal's office.
posted by bunnyfire at 5:53 PM on April 7, 2002


DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR URINE IT'S JUST A RUSE SO HE CAN DRINK IT

A PISS SLOBBERING PERVERT

WHAT DO YOU THINK THOSE JARS IN HIS GARAGE ARE
posted by Settle at 5:55 PM on April 7, 2002


WHY DO YOU THINK HIS LAWN IS THAT COLOR


Man, that link is AWESOME, miguel.
posted by Settle at 6:01 PM on April 7, 2002


Yum, urine.

(Settle. you are such a pussy.)
posted by rodii at 6:04 PM on April 7, 2002


interesting what happens when you iterate through it and remove duplicates.

for instance, taking the end of the last stanza of prufrock through it twice gives this:

...To fuckin' lead you and your jive to a motherfucking overwhelming question
Which is deeper, your burning ass or your burning hole? Pop Quiz, why are you such a little shithole?
Shut your mouth when I'm asking for answers. Goddamned sons of bitches like you
Oh, do not ask, 'Fuckin' what is that shit?'
Let us go and make our visit.
Get ready for pain.
posted by juv3nal at 6:06 PM on April 7, 2002


Hey I'm willing to admit I'm a pussy just as you stop drinking URINE.

GLGLGELEBGELBEGGEBBGE MM THIS IS DELICIOUS!!.

:-)

(The ) is your mouth and the :- is not someone's eyes and nose)
posted by Settle at 6:31 PM on April 7, 2002


*chain is pulled, sound of flushing heard....settle's posts swirl round and round and round......*
posted by bunnyfire at 6:44 PM on April 7, 2002


In america we have little handles.

Or in Rodii's case, little jars. And a little refrigerator he hides from his wife.
posted by Settle at 6:47 PM on April 7, 2002


Yes. Well, the thread was a lot of fun, right up until the testosterone kicked in.
posted by yhbc at 6:48 PM on April 7, 2002


*chain is pulled, sound of flushing heard....settle's posts swirl round and round and round......*

absolutely perfect.
posted by adampsyche at 6:57 PM on April 7, 2002


Why am I not a valued member of this on-line community?? Because I don't argue about big grown-up things?? Huh?? Well I may be a short, wide goth but I can make a cyberdifference.
posted by Settle at 7:04 PM on April 7, 2002 [1 favorite]


Umm , settle old chap your preoccupation with pee tells me perhaps you should hang out here instead of the 'filter. There you'll get the support and fellowship you so desperately need.
posted by jonmc at 7:06 PM on April 7, 2002


I thought you were a tall, skinny goth.
At least lie consistently.
posted by yhbc at 7:23 PM on April 7, 2002


The diplomatic challenges of our bellicose age are clarified with the burn maker. I present to you today's New York Times article (reg' req'd) on Colin Powell's trip to the Mideast:

Secretary of State Colin L Powell took off for the fucking Middle East in hell on one of the fucking most urgent and challenging attempts at American peacemaking since the fucking shuttle diplomacy of Henry a fuckin' Kissinger in the fucking 1970's.

Secretary Powell and the fucking advisers on that bastard's plane were going with no motherfucking optimistic illusions about their mission, an enterprise ordered by President Bush with broad implications for that bastard's own personal prestige — and for the fucking strategic interests and international standing of the fucking United States.

"That shit's going to fuckin' be a motherfucking difficult trip," Secretary Powell said this bullshit morning. Strap this to your anus: you are a bitch. "I'm not going to come back at the fucking end of this bullshit trip with a peace treaty in hand. I'm not even sure I'll have a cease-fire in hand. But that will be my fucking goal, to fuckin' try to help both sides out of this bullshit tragic situation in which them dickheads find themselves." He spoke on the fucking NBC News program "Meet the fucking Press.".

--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------
posted by limitedpie at 7:59 PM on April 7, 2002


Wow, is this Usenet painted blue?

I think we might need a Metatalk time out...l
posted by evanizer at 8:02 PM on April 7, 2002


Settle stumbled across certain Settle-centric comments over on MetaTalk, I wager. Seeing as how he made his first MetaTalk comment today. And he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. Not that I am trying to excuse his actions.
posted by iconomy at 8:20 PM on April 7, 2002


1. There were settle related comments???
2. The comment I posted was in regard to something in regard to me.
3. I am tall and skinny, I am not a goth. The short wide goth making a cyberdifference thing was a joke.
4. The rodii urine thing was also a joke. It hasn't been a very good one though, so however much it amuses me, I'll stop it here.
5. I cannot remember the last time I was mad as hell.
6. I am an african american.
posted by Settle at 8:26 PM on April 7, 2002


Settle, I can't speak for anyone else, but I have no idea when you're making a joke. I'll try to keep it in mind in the future though.
posted by iconomy at 8:29 PM on April 7, 2002


okay, here's a note to all:

I am *ALWAYS* making a joke

For instance, in the last I/P thread, I said, "If this were true, why would the Pres be supporting Israel"
That was a joke

For instance, when I said Rodii drank urine, that was a joke (I do not know Rod, and never have).

When I was talking about how I was looking forward to the rest of the Nick Drake mp3s to download....<-- this is a joke

From now on I will have a secret code so you can know when I am joking - a little ascii art duck: o< okay?
posted by Settle at 8:35 PM on April 7, 2002


Pile on Settle if you must, but the little refrigerator he (rodii) hides from his wife crack made me snort pretty hard.
posted by dong_resin at 8:39 PM on April 7, 2002


Thank you, dong.
posted by Settle at 8:46 PM on April 7, 2002


I pick on rodii because he is intelligent and because it is amusing to see him bicker about urine. But his response here, "yum, piss" or something, wasn't amusing at all which is why I intend to stop. I think owillis would make a better target, personally, of course I haven't yet a beef with him.
posted by Settle at 8:48 PM on April 7, 2002


A-ok on the duck. A little hint is always appreciated now and then.

It's a shame you never knew this guy, though - I think you would have gotten along. Since you like pee so much, and all.

And I've never piled on Settle - I like him. Anyway he's just a baby! Heh.
posted by iconomy at 8:53 PM on April 7, 2002


Ya know settle, if you maybe made your humor a little funnier and aimed your ridicule at someone more deserving, you wouldn't draw as much ire. I'm only telling you this because I believe that someone who loves the Stooges as much as you do cant be all bad.
posted by jonmc at 8:54 PM on April 7, 2002


I know...let's send Settle a nice Creed cd. They're his favorite band, right?
posted by iconomy at 8:57 PM on April 7, 2002


Yeah! Creed rules! 0<

So, I'll unpile too. Settle, sorry if I missed your joke #3; remember what we all know about each other is only what we have in front of us. If you say weren't lying, I accept that. I agree with the other advice, though; when a joke isn't going well, give up on it.
posted by yhbc at 9:05 PM on April 7, 2002


and when your syntax sucks, correct it: "if you say YOU weren't lying ..."
posted by yhbc at 9:06 PM on April 7, 2002


My wife knows about the refrigerator.
posted by rodii at 9:06 PM on April 7, 2002


1. Rodii is deserving. He was, at least. He is beloved. He is a sacred cow.
2. Roxy Music also rocks. New Order too.
3. Iconomy, ever had someone accuse you of drinking urine (and listening to creed)? o<
4. I am just a baby. And it makes me sad to see all you adults arguing about Mr. Sharon and Mr. Arafat ALL THE TIME. Of course you can make your big mature choices without me.
5. Now if you'll excuse me, I just stretched a 14 inch square of watercolour paper, with a 12 inch square grid ruled on it, and I need to do a nice watercolor. The pigment settles into the pencil lines, which I erased, but they leave score marks. I have been doing one 12" square composition a day for about a week now, just filling in the grid. It is very rewarding.
posted by Settle at 9:06 PM on April 7, 2002


Scratch that, rodii is pretty funny.

Rodii: But does she know where you keep the key?
posted by Settle at 9:07 PM on April 7, 2002


Anyway he's just a baby!

And gving puerility a bad name. Really, Settle, forced feedings from the personal virtual colostomy bag are not the ticket.
posted by y2karl at 9:10 PM on April 7, 2002


whhaaaaaa
wuh uww wuh wuh
whaaaaaaaaaa

god I feel like..I won't say it..you'd kill me
posted by Settle at 9:13 PM on April 7, 2002


I actually keep my urine in the freezer, settle. Pissicles rock, man.
posted by jonmc at 9:20 PM on April 7, 2002


No, what you do is put like 1/4" into a pixie cup, freeze it and then kick it like a puck under someone's door... not that I've ever done that.
posted by Settle at 9:26 PM on April 7, 2002


My doctor has me on the low-albumen kind. Less filling!

I am a scared cow.
posted by rodii at 9:26 PM on April 7, 2002


I think the real issue is not whether it fills you up but whether it lets you down.
posted by Settle at 9:28 PM on April 7, 2002


Good lord, what would happen if we ran this whole thread through the Burnmaker?

[twisted german scientist voice]You FOOLS! Vee haff zee abeelity! Vee can cohndense nast-iness und feelth to such a great density zat it weel gain eets own mass!!! Und wit ziz discoferee, vee can CONTROLL DEE VERLD!!! AAH, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!!! BWAH, ha ha ha ha...[/twisted German scientist voice]

*cough*

posted by yhbc at 9:29 PM on April 7, 2002


GOOD lord, fuckin' what would happen if we ran this bullshit whole thread through the fucking Burnmaker?

[twisted german scientist voice]You FOOLS! Vee haff zee abeelity! Vee can cohndense nast-iness und feelth to such a motherfucking great density zat that shit weel gain eets own mass!!! Und wit ziz discoferee, vee can CONTROLL DEE VERLD!!! AAH, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!!! BWAH, ha ha ha ha...[/twisted German scientist voice]

*cough*
posted by yhbc at 9:29 PM PST on April 7

Mmmm, not much better than we seem to be doing...
posted by y2karl at 10:09 PM on April 7, 2002


On the other hand, one must consider the possibility this is how we really think, pre-default edit...
posted by y2karl at 10:13 PM on April 7, 2002


5. Which is deeper, your cheese infested keyster or your snacked-on ass? Now if you'll excuse my stupid ass, I just stretched a 14 inch square of watercolour paper, with a motherfucking 12 inch square grid ruled on that shit, and I need to fuckin' do a motherfucking nice watercolor. The fucking pigment settles into the fucking pencil lines, which I erased, but them cocks leave score marks. You are a fuckmonster. I have been doing one 12" square composition a day for about a week now, just filling in the fucking grid. You are a cracked fuckhead. That shit is goddamn rewarding.
posted by azimuth at 10:47 PM on April 7, 2002


This is almost creepy...apparently the warning on cigarette packs isn't altered by the Burnmaker:

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:
Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy.

--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------

BTW: I'm a goddamn smoker myself. I'm not trying to make some big anti-smoking statement so please don't fucking freak out on me.
posted by gutenberg at 2:59 AM on April 8, 2002


Guys, I just want to say thanks for the first Metafilter thread that has not only made me laugh out loud, but hard enough so that I really did spit coffee all over my desk. I'm not just saying that to illustrate how funny it is - I really am coffee soaked. And my boss is pissed, because I'm not supposed to be surfing. Heh.

Something about William Blake burnified just killed me.
posted by annathea at 10:43 AM on April 8, 2002


BTW: I'm a goddamn smoker myself. I'm not trying to make some big anti-smoking statement so please don't fucking freak out on me.

gutenberg, that's the best line in this whole thread - I can't tell whether you ran that sentence through the burner or not! Genius.
posted by iconomy at 10:45 AM on April 8, 2002


Life isn't about keeping score.
That bastard's not about how in the hell many friends you have or how in the hell accepted you are.
That bastard's not about if you have plans this bullshit weekend, or if you're alone.
That shit isn't about who you're dating, who you used to fuckin' date, or how in the hell many people you've dated,
Or if you haven't been with anyone at all.
That bastard isn't about who you've kissed.
That shit's not about sex.
That shit isn't about who your sorry family is or how in the hell much drug money them ass-riders have,
Or fuckin' what kind of car you and your monkey drive, or where the fuck you are sent to fuckin' school.
That piece of shit isn’t about how in the hell beautiful or ugly you are, or fuckin' what clothes you wear
Or fuckin' what shoes you have on.

That bastard's not about fuckin' what kind of music you and your hand-job listen to.
That piece of shit's not about if your sorry hair is blonde, red, black or brown,
Or if your sorry skin is too bitch-slapping light or too fucking dark.
That piece of shit's not about fuckin' what grades you get, how in the hell smart you are,
How in the hell smart everybody else thinks you are, or how in the hell smart standardized tests say you are.
That piece of shit's not about fuckin' what clubs you and your hand-job are in, or how in the hell GOOD you are at “your sorry” sport.
That bastard's not about representing your sorry whole being on a fuckin' piece of paper
And seeing who will “accept the fucking written you and your jive.”

Life is about who you and your jive LOVE and who you and your hemorrhoids hurt.
That shit's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.
That bastard's about keeping or betraying trust.
That shit's about friendship, used as a motherfucking sanctity or a motherfucking weapon.
That bastard's about fuckin' what you and your sluts say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.
About starting rumors and contributing to fuckin' petty gossip.
That piece of shit's about fuckin' what judgements you and your sluts pass and why, and who your sorry judgements are spread to fuckin'.
That bastard's about who you've ignored with full control and intention.
That bastard's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
That piece of shit's about carrying inner hate and LOVE, letting that bastard grow, and spreading that bastard.

But, most of all, that bastard's about using your sorry life to fuckin' touch,
Or poison other people's hearts in such a goddamn way, that could have never occurred alone.
Only you and your monkey choose the fucking way those hearts are affected,
And those choices are fuckin' what Life is all about.

--------------------------------
Burned by the Burnmaker!
* http://toy.thespark.com/burn *
--------------------------------
posted by lola at 11:22 AM on April 8, 2002


FARK.COM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111


posted by Settle at 3:38 PM on April 8, 2002


This bullshit is fuckin' what you shall do: LOVE the fucking earth and sun and the fucking animals, despise riches, give alms to fuckin' every dirty one that asks, stand up for the fucking really fucking brilliant and crazy, devote your sorry income and labor to fuckin' other monkey-spankers, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the fucking people, take off your sorry hat to fuckin' nothing known or unknown or to any fucking bastard or number of lame assholes, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the fucking young and with the fucking mothers of families, read these leaves in the fucking open air every fucking season of your sorry life, re-examine all you and your hemorrhoids have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your sorry own soul, and your sorry goddamn flesh shall be a great poem.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 3:46 PM on April 8, 2002


"This bullshit is the fucking circus of Dr. Lao.
We show you shits that you and your sluts don't know.
We tell you of places you'll never go.
We've searched the fucking world both high and low
To capture the fucking beasts for this bullshit marvelous show
From mountains where the fuck maddened winds did blow
To fuckin' islands where the fuck zephyrs breathed disgustingly nauseating and low.
Oh, we've spared no motherfucking pains and we've spared no motherfucking dough;
And we've dug at the fucking secrets of long ago;
And we've risen to Heaven and plunged Below,
For we wanted to make that shit one hell of a motherfucking show.
And the fucking shits you and your jive'll see in your sorry brains will glow
Long past the fucking time when the fucking winter snow
Has frozen the fucking summer's furbelow.
For this bullshit is the fucking circus of Dr. Pop Quiz, why are you such a burning fuckhead? Lao.
And youth may come and youth may go;
But no motherfucking more circuses like this bullshit show!"
posted by y2karl at 11:28 PM on April 9, 2002


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