The sea roiled like water in a pasta pot about to boil

August 14, 2016 10:08 AM

William "Barry" Brockett of Tallahassee, FL, is the 34rd grand-prize winner of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which challenges writers to concoct the worst opening sentence of a hypothetical novel. (Or, to look at it another way, the best sentence in the genre of "bad opening sentences.") The full list of winners, runners-up, and dishonorable mentions.

The winning entry:

Even from the hall, the overpowering stench told me the dingy caramel glow in his office would be from a ten-thousand-cigarette layer of nicotine baked on a naked bulb hanging from a frayed wire in the center of a likely cracked and water-stained ceiling, but I was broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest previously on Metafilter: 2015, 2014, 2011, 2010, 2008, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001.

Also previously, the shorter competition, the Lyttle Lyttons: 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2009, 2004.

posted by Shmuel510 (19 comments total)

Obama chuckled. “You mean the Chaos Emeralds?”
posted by duffell at 10:35 AM on August 14, 2016 [7 favorites]

My entry this year:

"These are the cookies from hell!" Nicholas Grackleback protested, speaking with grave and sparkling sophistry as the hoofbeats of rain pattered against the lone, swarthy wrinkle of his brow.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 11:07 AM on August 14, 2016 [7 favorites]

Morris the asiatic black bear.

I'd read that.
posted by Bruce H. at 11:24 AM on August 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

"The jar was oozing, and the ooze was jarring..."

This pleases me.
posted by redsparkler at 11:52 AM on August 14, 2016 [23 favorites]

The prevalence of first-person animal narratives baffles me. Is that, like, a popular genre at the moment?
posted by mudpuppie at 12:04 PM on August 14, 2016

See also the #NaNoWriMoOpeners hashtag on Twitter
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 12:17 PM on August 14, 2016

The prevalence of first-person animal narratives baffles me. Is that, like, a popular genre at the moment?

No idea what's in these days, but I think it's more just because you can get that easy misdirection stroke reversal by revealing that the speaker is sentient but not ordinarily someone to whom such thoughts might be attributable; in fact you could probably get a similar effect with a baby or an anthropomorphic courageous petite bread-toasting appliance so I agree it's strange people've not, I ponderfully responded whilst removing the pacifier from my crumpet-hole with my hind leg.
posted by comealongpole at 1:21 PM on August 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

Hmm, has this evolved into its own trope? Not trying to threadshit, but I scanned back a few years and there seems to be a bit of a pattern among winners where the hook is based on packing a sentence with modifiers, similies, and metaphor? Maybe that's writing in general, shrug.

Next question is whether anybody's subjecting their entries to computational enhancement.
posted by rhizome at 2:42 PM on August 14, 2016

If I could, I'd prefer a short opening sentence that were bad just because it is ugly to read, read out loud, and see written down or on a computer screen.
posted by teponaztli at 2:51 PM on August 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

"Her grandmother had mopped her brow with the same antique kerchief for twenty years whilst working in the barley fields, and now Anastasia was to wear it on her wedding night knotted into a baggy loose panty..."

I really want to read this book!
posted by BlueHorse at 4:46 PM on August 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Certainly most people in Morris’ place would have had certain misgivings about being stranded aboard a life raft, facing the unrelenting hunger and the possibility of having to eat the weaker members of the crew just to eke out the chance of survival for a few more days, but as Morris was an Asiatic black bear he had absolutely no qualms about it whatsoever."

There is no way in which this is a bad sentence.
posted by 256 at 5:57 PM on August 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

"Her grandmother had mopped her brow with the same antique kerchief for twenty years whilst working in the barley fields, and now Anastasia was to wear it on her wedding night knotted into a baggy loose panty..."

I really want to read this book!
posted by BlueHorse at 4:46 PM on August 14

Agreed! I never knew I was into that kind of kink till just now.
posted by some loser at 6:33 PM on August 14, 2016

If I could, I'd prefer a short opening sentence that were bad just because it is ugly to read, read out loud, and see written down or on a computer screen.

"Shia Laboeuf thumbed through Grindr."
posted by one_bean at 7:03 PM on August 14, 2016 [4 favorites]

A whole site dedicated to Shia Leboeuf themed bad fiction is a winning tumblr idea.

"Shia Leboeuf nervously thumbed the hemline of his custom-made anti-bat-man cowl and cape, wondering if the free-wine sippers at the art opening would appreciate the irony."
posted by device55 at 7:17 PM on August 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

The evidence at Evan’s Seaside Bird Sanctuary was mounting: the scattered precocial plumage, the tidal pond encircling a quartet of lifeless birds, the brine-soaked ascot, the cane—could it be that Maurice Chevalier sank Evan’s four little gulls? — Peter S. Bjorkman, Rocklin, CA

This is exquisite.
posted by grimjeer at 7:20 PM on August 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

“Penguins, damnable penguins,”

Finally I have a new phrase to rank beside "Curses, foiled again" and "So, it has come to this" in my ironic lexicon.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 12:04 AM on August 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

This children's awards were immensely disappointing because they were just identical to all the others, but with children's-lit-themed references. None were actual examples of terrible children's writing, which is a rich and varied genre of suck.
posted by Dr.Enormous at 4:49 AM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

If I could, I'd prefer a short opening sentence that were bad just because it is ugly to read, read out loud, and see written down or on a computer screen.

Galbraith bent and kissed Greta's palsied, pellucid talon, lingering over each gnarled knuckle like a slightly used moist towelette, Efferdent-scented.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:25 AM on August 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Nurse, I need more blankets, and my water pitcher is empty, and also my bedside lamp isn't working," Tom said coldly, dryly, and darkly, yet at the same time patiently. — Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, VA

perfect
posted by numaner at 6:31 AM on August 16, 2016 [3 favorites]