Single life is hard
September 5, 2016 12:46 PM   Subscribe

But anyway, the part I actually find hard about being single is that I never get touched, and this is always overlooked and undervalued. This is where the myth of self sufficiency breaks down. -- being single is hard, says Emma Lindsay.
posted by MartinWisse (80 comments total) 65 users marked this as a favorite
 
This rings true - since my father died three years ago, it's been clear that my mother - not generally a hugging person - is nonetheless so so so grateful for every hug or cuddle she gets from my kids or from me. I try to remember to make a special effort to be physically affectionate whenever we see her (and also to provide the debriefing opportunities that are the other thing mentioned in the article that she also misses out on).
posted by melisande at 12:54 PM on September 5, 2016 [12 favorites]


Dogs and cats.
And occasionally I hug my horse.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:04 PM on September 5, 2016 [8 favorites]


Hmm, as with much that is written on Medium, this deals with the author's individual experience and is really hard to generalize, and yet she goes ahead and does just that. I think it can cause a really interesting article to become needlessly fighty in its discussion.

It is easier to maintain a healthy lifestyle with a partner.... Similar arguments apply to saving money, or maintaining your mental health.

I don't find this true at all. I go out to eat with my husband WAY more than I ever did single. When I was single, the depressingness of going solo to a restaurant or to the movies kept me at home, cooking for one and saving a crapton of money. I was more financially solvent too when I was single because I never went on dates or went out. I also didn't bother buying new gadgets because, hey, it's just me here. But if my husband mentions he wants something, then it's suddenly I SHOULD GET THIS FOR HIM, HE WOULD BE SO HAPPY, I WILL BUY IT.

Mental health is a tossup as to whether I am more mentally stable now or when I was single, but I tend to think it is worse now. I'm less anxious on a day-to-day basis, but the sheer amount of terror I experienced when we had to take Mr. Freedom to the hospital because he had a severe asthma attack on Thanksgiving was unlike anything I felt when I only had myself to worry about. I imagine having kids would increase this feeling exponentially.

On the other hand, I think she is spot-on with the hugs.
posted by chainsofreedom at 1:11 PM on September 5, 2016 [23 favorites]


I agree with her last point, although her essay is poorly written. It's difficult to tell what it's really about.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:16 PM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Touch matters so much. Why do we keep acting like it doesn’t?"

Contact comfort. And yes, it matters long after baby- and childhood.
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:18 PM on September 5, 2016 [8 favorites]


We don’t even value platonic touch enough for it to exist in our lexicon without a sexual overtone.

Among people raised in non-Western cultures I sometimes see heterosexual male friends unselfconsciously holding hands as they walk together, and I am filled with overwhelming envy.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:26 PM on September 5, 2016 [46 favorites]


Yep. I manage okay a lot of the time, and mentally I'm happier these days than I've been in a long time, but there's times I think of just being able to hold someone's hand or feel a pat on my back or shoulders and I tear up from the sudden upwelling of loneliness.
posted by The otter lady at 1:26 PM on September 5, 2016 [27 favorites]


I agree with her, but it isn't purely a function of being single. When I was married (the stress in that sentence is on was, partly for just this reason) my then wife was not very affectionate at all, and what little affection she had went to her dog, who pre-dated me. If she was on the couch, the dog was next to her. If WE were on the couch, the dog would jump in the middle. It really got to me more than I ever expected.

And I know about dogs and cats, but it just ain't the same.
posted by nevercalm at 1:35 PM on September 5, 2016 [5 favorites]


Metafilter: occasionally I hug my horse
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:35 PM on September 5, 2016 [26 favorites]


I joke that I've been dating my PhD for the past 4 years and some change, and I really found myself connecting with this article. I actually am on Tinder, and a few other dating sites. I've had a few dates from them, and from mutual connections, but recently it just feels like I cannot date right now. There's too much else going on in my life, and I'm pretty (fiscally) broke, and I really don't feel that emotionally available. It's been so long since I've been in a longterm relationship, that I'm actually fairly worried about my ability to ever get back into one. Plus I anticipate moving somewhere else in the country within a year, depending on how my job search goes once I get my doctorate. All of these things feel like I would just be setting a potential partner up for failure, not to mention the fact that I really feel less and less desirable the longer I'm out of the dating pool.

A lot of my social needs are met by my friends, and I've found that I'm fairly self sufficient otherwise, but it does hurt to not have someone to turn to when times get tough (in a way that a friend can't really meet), and it also hurts to not have regular physical contact like I did when I was in a relationship.

I hear from people that it's never been easier to meet people, what with the mainstreaming of Internet dating, but it feels (oddly) like I've never been less able to take advantage of it. It sucks, but what can you really do about it?
posted by codacorolla at 1:45 PM on September 5, 2016 [9 favorites]


The essay is slightly confusing, but having been single the whole of my life and i get exactly what she is meaning.
The hugs, the touch. Yes. Always missing, always lacking.
But also the how singlelitude is sold to us, the forever single us. We are deficient of some way, that if we tried more, if we acquired some more knowledge, characteristic, resilience, selfsuffiency for our situation, we are going to be datable, someone will want us. This is the fable the coupled believe and try to sell us back, because they cannot believe that we actually exist, because they do not cannot understand that even if we are not looser, significant others will never happen.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 1:47 PM on September 5, 2016 [24 favorites]


A good friend of mine, who has been single for a long time (and is now happily partnered) told me that sometimes, when he was really craving a friendly, non-medical touch, he'd go and get a haircut and a scalp massage. That made me feel very sad for past-him. At the same time, I thought that it was a great idea.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:51 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


Touch hunger is real. I once advised a lonely single friend to treat herself to a therapeutic massage once in awhile. I hope it helped her.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 1:59 PM on September 5, 2016 [5 favorites]


It's worse when you're female and 44 and everything in the world is telling you you are dead as far as romance or love or human companionship is concerned. Enjoy your cats, loser.
posted by The otter lady at 2:06 PM on September 5, 2016 [42 favorites]


Touch hunger is real.

So real that there's a diagnostic term for it: skin hunger. And yeah, it's the only thing about being middle- aged and single that I find truly awful.
posted by tzikeh at 2:06 PM on September 5, 2016 [15 favorites]


There are a lot of good reasons to be coupled. Having the time to eat better or work out more ... not so much. I guess it's good for saving money if you don't have kids, but not so much afterwards...
posted by MattD at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


I related to this pretty strongly. There have been a few times in my life when I wanted to be married, and it was always because I wanted to marry the woman with whom I was involved. I never sought out a woman to marry, and maybe that's what you're supposed to do. I don't really know; but whatever it is, I didn't do it. And it hasn't been a big issue. In fact, I found myself hooking up a lot more easily in the last year or so -- situations that I knew had no future, but I didn't really care. But this June, I was diagnosed with cancer, and suddenly I felt extraordinarily alone in the world. I am likely to make a full recovery, but I'm doing radiation and chemotherapy and it's all just extremely grueling. My friends and family have been there, and I appreciate that, but I do wish right now that I had that kind of bond with another person.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 2:42 PM on September 5, 2016 [24 favorites]


The physical contact is indeed something I miss.

But more so - honestly, the times I feel most single is when I've come home after an utterly shitty day, when I want to just curl up on the couch and veg out; or maybe I'm sick, even, starting to come down with a cold and I just want to get comfy and go to sleep early. So I change into my pajamas as soon as I get home, and then I go to make something simple for dinner - or I go to get some sudafed - and I look in the cupboard and see that I'm out of salt or Sudafed or something basic. And there is no one to turn to and ask "can you do me a favor and go to the store", I have to change back into street clothes and go outside, bone-tired, maybe sneezing, and drag myself to the store to get it all by myself.

A couple I know is about in the same economic straits as I am; we're all pretty much holding on by our fingernails, but I'm still intensely jealous of them, because for all the things they don't have, they have each other - and I have no one. And I don't think they'd get it if I ever confessed to that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:06 PM on September 5, 2016 [44 favorites]


You cold North American and Northern European people, terrified to touch. Move to a Latin country where people hug , hold hands, stroll arm in arm, hand on shoulder, male and female alike. And yay for hugging cats and horses as well.
posted by adamvasco at 3:07 PM on September 5, 2016 [11 favorites]


Making dinner is the worst thing about being unpartnered. I had a friend stay with me the other week, and living alone, it had been quite some time since I'd prepared a meal with someone in my own home. There was a long, genial chat and the pleasure of sharing a meal.

I meet friends for meals out rather frequently, and that's wonderful, but being barefoot and chopping a salad while someone else is clattering around the kitchen is really a lovely thing and wildly underestimated.
posted by mochapickle at 3:28 PM on September 5, 2016 [26 favorites]


I've been single for so long now that I doubt I could ever survive being partnered. Yes, the lack of touch is ..well. It is. I've never done very well with nonsexual touch anyway - I flinch when I'm touched, as I've been repeatedly told, usually accusingly. Like I can control it. What worries me more is that nobody ever sees my back and anything could be growing on it, from skin cancer to mushrooms to alien pods. I will never know until it's too late. And that's exactly how seriously I want to take this article.

It is so easy, when you're single, to imagine how much better life would be if only you were with your Perfect Mate. He /she would hug you all the time. They would never be so busy that they couldn't care for you. Why, they would willingly leap up and go to the store for your cold medicine, using their own money! Everything would be wonderful. And maybe it really is, for some people, but I've been married twice and at this point, I'm a sceptic. I like coming home to my own space, where everything bad is my own fault and everything good is my own cleverness.

Yeah, it's not perfect and I get lonely as hell, and I would prefer not having resigned myself to never having sex again in this lifetime, but my married friends don't always have it so great either. It's a series of compromises, like anything, like relationships. You can manage without hugs, no, really, you can. And there are dermatologists.

It's a pity about the alien pods though.
posted by mygothlaundry at 4:16 PM on September 5, 2016 [46 favorites]


I've been in the same relationship since 2004, and I have two children, so I don't have a leg to stand on complaining about not enough touch. Far from it. But I just got through with maternity leave and one of the first things I did when I could get away from the kids was get a massage, because it had been so long since I'd been touched in a way that was all about me and my own body's tension. New moms complain about being "touched out" - just not wanting to have sex or snuggle because caring for a young baby is a life of constant, constant touching. So I wasn't sure how the massage would go. But oh my god, it was so amazing. I went to a really weird mental place and emerged from the session feeling like a new person.

In short, massage is insanely powerful. If you are feeling a need for more or different touching in your life, look into it.
posted by the marble index at 4:19 PM on September 5, 2016 [11 favorites]


Yup, everything The otter lady said. Yup yup.
posted by Melismata at 4:32 PM on September 5, 2016 [8 favorites]


sometimes, when he was really craving a friendly, non-medical touch, he'd go and get a haircut and a scalp massage

I was at the hairdresser recently, and this dude came in, and the other hairdresser asked, "The usual?" and he nodded and went over to the basin, and she washed his hair, and gave him a really long head massage, and afterwards she said he comes in a few times a week just for that - no haircut - and she charges him half price. I'm guessing it's the same thing. Or he has a crush on the hairdresser or something. But it didn't come across as sad, or creepy, just kind of nice.
posted by lollusc at 5:06 PM on September 5, 2016 [7 favorites]


This is really timely for me. I have been single for most of my adult life, and mostly I am fine with it, but damn, society makes it hard sometimes. Especially once you get into your thirties, and everything starts revolving around couples and families.

The touch thing is less salient for me than some of the other things she talks about. The whole "work on yourself and make yourself worthy of love" thing is really, really shitty. Like her, I am really damn good at being single. I should be since I have a lot of experience. I check most of the boxes that society sets out for being a "good" single person verging on middle age: have been through therapy, have a good, meaningful job, have pets, cheerfully host my married friends and their kids, have hobbies and an active social life, get exercise, etc. etc. If a good relationship were the reward for a fulfilling existence, I would have the BEST relationship. But, you know, obviously that's not how the world works!

I think the insistence that one must be totally self-sufficient and happy while single in order to be happy in a relationship is not just wrong, but really weird. I mean, we are a social species. Of course we want to be with other people (I do wish there were more ways to build community and have families that didn't involve these nuclear family units organized around marriage). I hate the way we stigmatize loneliness in this culture.

My best friend is basically the opposite of me when it comes to relationships. She broke up with her fiancé when she was 26. Within a year, she was living with a new boyfriend. All of her friends (including me) were appalled because we thought she needed to work on herself. Well, 11 years later they are married with 3 kids. He is a great dad and husband, and she is sleep-deprived but happy. She told me when they moved in together that she's just happiest in a relationship. She was great then and she's great now. She didn't need to fix any great flaw in herself, she just needed to find a better partner.

I mean, it makes sense. The woman who knows she wants a relationship is married with kids. The one who is pretty happy being single is single. And yet we feel the need to construct these elaborate narratives about how the best way to get a relationship is to act like you don't want one.
posted by the sockening at 5:31 PM on September 5, 2016 [41 favorites]


lollusc: I wonder if that person may just have a scalp issue, like dandruff? I can get bad dandruff and that's exactly what my hairdresser does for me (although I tend to do it myself).

This article really spoke to me, because in my group of friends I am the one who is "always in a relationship", in spite of the fact that my friends never point out the ones who are "always single", not to mention that they themselves have all been in long term relationships for years. A while ago a friend's girlfriend asked me if I was dating anybody and when I answered no she said "good". It really pissed me off, like, don't act as if you know my needs better than myself.

The other part of this that spoke to me is the idea that you have to work on yourself before dating again. What's that even mean? Some people go to therapy for decades, are they suppose to just starve themselves of affection until they're magically "better"? So many people my age piss me off with this bit of advice. "You should just spend some time being single, work on yourself a bit before dating again!" Oh yeah, as if you fuckers weren't going out and getting trashed and having unhealthy sexual encounters most days of the week, attempting to bring everyone down with you because you didn't want to be alone. That stuff is really stupid.

Portland, in my experience, is all about "being single". I actually don't know what it's like to be single in another city (other than Phoenix, but I was single there when I was a teenager and not yet seriously dating in general), so my experience being single has been distilled into "party hard". Likewise, being single here is totally miserable, especially in the winter. In the summer it's not so bad, but dear god autumn and winter are miserable.
posted by gucci mane at 5:35 PM on September 5, 2016 [3 favorites]


Not really the article I needed to read but alas I did and it struck a nerve.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:42 PM on September 5, 2016 [6 favorites]


in non-Western cultures I sometimes see heterosexual male friends unselfconsciously holding hands

I once took a class at a community college where one of the male Profs was a celebrated (no-agenda) "hugger" ... a kind of education that I never experienced at the big business-like University.

Whence comes this peculiar form of asceticism in Western culture I cannot cozen out of it. Public affection is clearly possible, but only under scrupulous circumstances. Perhaps blame the puritans?
posted by Twang at 5:44 PM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Too-Ticky: every time I get a scalp massage I think that I'd pay a substantial amount of money for 30 minutes of that.
posted by persona au gratin at 6:15 PM on September 5, 2016


That is, a scalp massage while getting my haircut. They should have a standalone service.
posted by persona au gratin at 6:16 PM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


And finishing the thread, maybe they do... Thanks!
posted by persona au gratin at 6:22 PM on September 5, 2016


I had a theory about touch much like this one when I was a lonely teenager. At the time, the prevailing theory regarding teen behaviour was "hormones"... but I thought a lot of teen weirdness could be accounted for by the fact that little kids get comforting touch from parents, and parents, from each other (or whomever they are dating, because adult sexuality is acceptable in a way teen sexuality isn't), but teens are gross and get comforting touch from almost no one.

... this probably says more about my adolescence than anything else.
posted by bibliotropic at 6:52 PM on September 5, 2016 [11 favorites]


Agreed. I'd always heard that teen boys want sex, but teen girls want hugs. I think every kid wants to be held.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:01 PM on September 5, 2016


A good friend of mine, who has been single for a long time (and is now happily partnered) told me that sometimes, when he was really craving a friendly, non-medical touch, he'd go and get a haircut and a scalp massage. That made me feel very sad for past-him. At the same time, I thought that it was a great idea.

I am sure you mean well and are being compassionate, but calling something like this "very sad" strikes me as a bit condescending. It seems to me like a practical way to handle a need someone has, and it only seems sad if you assume that it's sad not to be in a relationship.
posted by the sockening at 7:08 PM on September 5, 2016 [10 favorites]


Yeah, as someone who's been single for a long time now (and, with 40 coming every nearer, feels invisible on the dating scene) I really miss a good hug, or, as others said, that person who's there to offer some comfort or errand running when you're a bit down. Sure, I can text a friend to run to the pharmacy with me if things are really dire, but it's nowhere near the same. Or those quiet nights in when it's just nice to curl up on a couch together. Sigh.
posted by TwoStride at 7:53 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


You guys are breaking my heart! ;)

Yeah, I absolutely hate it. Before I was married, I kind of enjoyed living alone for a stretch. But since my separation, when the kids are with their mom, I wish so often I just had a close friend around to cuddle up to and watch Netflix with. I was lucky enough to have had that for a while, during a really hard stretch, but more recently, it's been lonelier. Craving physical intimacy is a deep ache. There are paying services in some places where you can hire professional cuddlers.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:36 PM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


Touch is something all of us need...I would say desperately, but that would be giving away my point too early, one that is a bit of a departure from this thread.

Children will literally die without human touch. We need it. Single people have a very complex relationship with this need, and the essay (or, at least, the comments) indicate.

Just to add this: it may be a commonplace that marriage is where love goes to die, but it is true for many of us married people that the lack of everyday touch (not to mention sex) is heartbreaking. What is so hard about hugs and kisses?
posted by kozad at 8:56 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


Just here to express my dissenting opinion. Deliberately single for years. Would not have it any other way. I don't miss touching, although I am lucky to have friends who hug, I guess. Plus I have my cat, so there's always lots of snuggles there, albeit those can be sharper than I'd like. It's funny, in my day-to-day life I've almost never experienced any negative reaction from anyone I know or meet about my single status. No one ever makes comments that "give it time and I'll find the right person" or that my single status is some unfortunate state which must be remedied. Not friends, not family, not co-workers, not acquaintances. Yet, somehow, the internet is rife with that subtext. I often wonder if all those people in my life are just politely keeping their opinions to themselves and looking on me with pity when I'm not noticing? Or do I consistently happen upon lovely, non-relationship-judgmental people who don't represent America at large? Either way, I'm glad the people in my life are not anything like the ones in the author's. Some of them sound obnoxious. I feel badly for my friends who are so unhappy when single. I would hate to have my happiness depend on a person I hadn't even met.
posted by greermahoney at 9:41 PM on September 5, 2016 [14 favorites]


The other part of this that spoke to me is the idea that you have to work on yourself before dating again.

Agree, you don't have to be in a perfect state of mental equilibrium to meet a partner, most people aren't when they do. That said, I think coming off an actually mind-ruining sort of relationship does take a bit of time. How much, who knows. I'm pushing it a little, maybe.

Touch, I don't know, that's not *that* hard to find if you're not super fussy about the source and are good at compartmentalizing (actually good at it, no repercussions, etc).

Companionship, though, a safe harbour in a storm - that's missable, considering so many storms are guaranteed past a certain age. Someone to share inside jokes with - familiarity, deep recognition and closeness, that's another story. Counterbalanced by the squabbles often involved in negotiating a household with someone else, which often enough results in fun-poisoning monotony, unless you consciously and regularly inoculate each other against it - and have time and energy for that, given everything else in life... and who's got that? I guess some do.

I've been single for several years now. Like for codacorolla, the timing hasn't been right for a relationship for a bunch of reasons. But as appealing as the pleasant coupley things are, and as much as I thought my hesitation might be a temporary post-burn phase - I still don't have any kind of appetite for even low-intensity back-and-forths about decisions like "chicken or fish for dinner?", never mind "house, yes or no?" or "what are we going to do about your mother?".

(Is it possible to be that burned out? I used to want intimacy, and sometimes still do. Or I think I do. But it appears that I actually want peace and quiet more than anything. Or maybe I'm just used to it now? Maybe if I meet someone significantly more chilled out than my exes (and I guess me), something tolerable could be arranged. As of today, I'm not holding out for it, and not particularly looking. May change, who knows.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:03 PM on September 5, 2016 [15 favorites]


I often wonder if all those people in my life are just politely keeping their opinions to themselves and looking on me with pity when I'm not noticing? Or do I consistently happen upon lovely, non-relationship-judgmental people who don't represent America at large?

Is it an age thing? I've noticed that when I got to mid/late 30s, and now 40, I started seeing fewer and fewer instances of people asking me about my status. I think people assume that people in their 20s and 30s are looking for a partner, and once you get beyond that, most people seem to generally assume that for whatever reason, you're going it on your own either by fate or by choice, especially if you never bring up the subject yourself.

I think a lot of people reserve their emotional intimacy for their romantic partners, so achieving that sort of thing in a non-romantic context can be difficult to achieve for those of us who choose to be single.
posted by mochapickle at 10:12 PM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


This is a thing between my wife and I. She craves the cuddles, etc. Me - not so much. I want to talk and share discoveries. I don't mind an occasional touch of the shoulder. I love my dogs throwing themselves at me, but human contact? Not my thing. I don't get anything from a massage other than muscle release. No tingly head scalpy things, no shivers down the spine. A hug is a nice affirmation, but I don't get an emotional high from it.

This is yet another in a long line of indicators that I should get tested for being not entirely neurotypical - could also just be from being descending from a bunch of Scots-Irish/Black-Irish New Englanders.
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:38 PM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


the sockening: it only seems sad if you assume that it's sad not to be in a relationship.

I'm not assuming that. I know that he felt sad about not being in a relationship, because that's what he told me. Maybe I should have made that clearer.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:56 PM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Is it an age thing?

Possibly. I'm now in my 40's, but honestly never encountered much of it. I started dating pretty late (20) and took large breaks in between, and rarely had people question me on my status. I've certainly never had people saying the stuff the author and others mentioned. I think it's probably more because I never bring up my single state in a negative way, so they tend not to offer stupid advice like "working on myself."

Although I am glad to be past the age where people (usually strangers) say incredulously "You don't want kids??? Like ever? Oh, you say that now..." No, I said it at 16. I still say it at 44. It's almost like people can understand not wanting a spouse, but if you don't want kids, you're broken.


I think a lot of people reserve their emotional intimacy for their romantic partners, so achieving that sort of thing in a non-romantic context can be difficult to achieve for those of us who choose to be single.


Again, I totally lucked out on the friend front. They are all happily partnered up, and still very much emotionally available. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
posted by greermahoney at 12:03 AM on September 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is where I come in after griping yesterday about xenophobia as related to my singlehood in the place where I live, only to say just how nice it is to be single where I live, because there's platonic, warm touch everywhere. I cheek-kiss people every day, and those with whom there's a good relationship often give a gentle-firm arm hold or even embrace. It's really very nice. Touch is so widespread here that it's even acceptable in public transportation – a couple weeks ago we were shoved into a train like sardines. I slipped from multiple people shoving me while trying to give the woman in front of me space (happens often, I'm tall enough that most people can't see in front of me, so if there's a smaller person there, people behind me imagine space where there is none) and accidentally shouldered a guy beside me. Without even thinking I gently put the palm of my hand on his upper back and said "excusez-moi, monsieur" and felt him relax as he nodded. I was like, whoa, twenty years in France has changed me; I would never have imagined touching a stranger in the US.

Also, cats. Both of mine are cuddlebugs. In addition to always having one on my lap, ninja kitty sleeps on my head – she also wakes me up if I'm sleeping on an arm wrong – and fluff-monster keeps my legs warm at night.

I stopped caring what society thinks about single women as pertains to my life. I do care when it comes to how it affects us all. But me, personally? Seriously give zero fucks now. I eat out alone every day at lunch, shop alone, travel alone, go to movies and shows alone. Talk about my life at the office normally, because it is the life I live. Why would I talk about something/someone that isn't there when there's so much that is? I never mention I'm single and few people ever ask. I'm basically at the point where I'm like, this is my life, I love it, and the hell if I'm going to listen to a dumbass closed-minded society trying to tell me to mope around because I'm 40, single, childless, with cats. How reductive is that?

Is it easy? Nah. Is it enjoyable? Oh hell yeah. And I'm saying this while I count my pennies most days. I'm done looking at the grass on others' lawns. This grass is mine, it has wild French basil growing in it and there are dozens of happy bees in the basil flowers as well as two fluffballs dozing.

I totally understand anyone who isn't yet able to give the finger to societal expectations, btw. This is why I still care what society thinks on that level. Everyone's circumstances are different and there is just no reason for the cruel, reductive boxes we're shoved into.
posted by fraula at 1:50 AM on September 6, 2016 [24 favorites]


I was with her until I got to this bit:

They’ll give me a hard time about grabbing fast food, or eating out a lot, but then nearly all of them cook with their partners and exercise with their partners. It is easier to maintain a healthy lifestyle with a partner.

Total record scratch at that point. In my experience, men will get tired of you skipping drinks when out with friends and wanting to figure out the calorie count of their homemade meals. I feel like once you get to a point in your life where your self-care becomes more deliberate and possibly more visible, it becomes less realistic to be in a successful relationship. I'm not sure I'm alone in this - anyone remember this post? That said, who the hell are these women who find men who don't resent and aren't disgusted by their labour? I'm going to guess that they're all indie unicorns with lives that look like they belong on the pages of Kinfolk or something.
posted by blerghamot at 4:37 AM on September 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm done looking at the grass on others' lawns. This grass is mine, it has wild French basil growing in it and there are dozens of happy bees in the basil flowers as well as two fluffballs dozing.

It's possible to ignore the reductive box we put singlehood into, but still want a partner anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:45 AM on September 6, 2016 [12 favorites]


I so empathise with the lack of touch. In fact I'd say it's the biggest problem in my life right now. I often think that it's basically a very simple thing and that I (or the hivemind) should be able to reason out a better solution than massages or pets but I've yet to find one.

I enjoy massages but they are expensive and also not quite the same. Presumably the effects aren't the same because of the lack of emotional connection and also the lack of reciprocity. I want to be touched but I also want to do some of the touching myself.

And pets are great too. My sister has the most awesome, goofy dog who I love to bits and am happier when I'm around. She (the dog) licks my face and arms, climbs all over me and will come and sleep with her head on my lap when she's tired and it's wonderful. But she's not my dog and I don't want to get a pet of my own because I feel like if I did I'd lose the main part of what is good about being single - independence to come and go as I please.
posted by neilb449 at 4:58 AM on September 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


I was going to suggest cuddle parties, but apparently that doesn't always work.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:11 AM on September 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


As a single guy in his mid-40s, this rang a lot of bells for me. I don't agree with everything the author says or feel like it's the best-written thing ever, but... just chalk it up to one person's experience that may apply more broadly. Maybe it doesn't need to be picked over or scrutinized too closely for flaws, but appreciated for its more general points. I do wish my friends could relate or even listen about being single without all the platitudes, advice, and such. I've largely given up talking about it.

Reached a sharp point a few years ago when dating just seemed to get much more difficult, and I don't necessarily want to make the effort. But I miss touch, I miss intimacy and having two cats doesn't cut it. (They are awesome, though. And I know my life is greatly improved by having them.)

I'm hoping against hope at some point I'll find someone who I can mesh with, but... ugh, some days it looks so bleak.
posted by jzb at 5:28 AM on September 6, 2016 [6 favorites]


Counterbalanced by the squabbles often involved in negotiating a household with someone else

It's just occurred to me that dish-washing sagas (at least) are avoidable in theory, you don't have to live with anyone. Why has this not come to me until right now, people do this all the time. (Unless you sort of do have to live with someone because you live in an insane real estate market. Even so, prefer paying through the nose to be as weird as I like in my own hovel. Which is also insurance against falling into gendered domesticity traps. [Which are baited with old, almost automated habits and acquired but deep incentives that I could deal with in a more forthright way but could also head off altogether by just not ever moving in with anyone again.] Taking this to my journal now, sorry.)

posted by cotton dress sock at 5:50 AM on September 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


Grew up in a family that isn't affectionate. Had boyfriends and abusive ex husband use my touch starvation against me. Have a spectrum child that tolerates but doesn't seek my touch.

After two years divorced, I can absolutely say that I crave being touched. CRAVE it. I had a coworker rest her hand on the back of my neck and my eyes rolled up into my head and I felt shaky for hours after.

I don't miss my ex. I have no desire for another person to add to my life. But I do miss touch. I think it's the only part of my marriage I do miss.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 7:16 AM on September 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


The whole "work on yourself and make yourself worthy of love" thing is really, really shitty.

Yeah, because at what point are you finally perfect enough to be allowed to find love? And oh, please explain to me how my cousin was perfect enough at age 18 to find true love and be happily married, and ditto that sort of thing with several other relatives.

I think all of that shit essentially comes from the fact that most human beings CANNOT DEAL with the mental idea that some of us--especially if we are perfectly nice straight women over 30 with nothing hugely wrong with them--just plain aren't ever going to find a husband because there are a hell of a lot more creepy dudes out there than there are nice ones for us to find. Nobody will ever tell you there's no hope for you, because hey, maybe you meet someone when you're on your deathbed at age 95! It could totes happen! Always have hope!!!111!!! Except realistically, there's the occasional person who hits the jackpot and most of us just won't get lucky. That's how life goes. You can "work on yourself" all you want but even if you become someone downright saintlike, that's not going to help if all you can find to date are a bunch of assholes.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 AM on September 6, 2016 [28 favorites]


Hey, yeah, you notice how all the "just work on yourself" messages are aimed at single women, but if it's a angle man then he's just a "confirmed bachelor" having fun and it's okay?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:40 AM on September 6, 2016 [12 favorites]


Favorited a million times, jenfullmoon!

So true, EmpressCallipygos. Also: you notice how when a man is single, all his friends say "oh, no, you poor thing! You must feel so sad! Let me see if I can fix you up with someone!" But if it's a single woman, they say "suck it up."
posted by Melismata at 7:49 AM on September 6, 2016


EmpressCllipygos and Melismata:

I can promise you you are wrong. I am constantly told by all sorts of sources, personal and media, that if I can't find a woman and fall in love it's because I'm not good enough. Not tall enough, not rich enough, not buff enough, and that I'm totally entitled if I think I deserve love.

From where I stand you seem to be both suffering from selection bias, lack of empathy, or something worse.
posted by bswinburn at 8:11 AM on September 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


Mod note: Folks, a dispute over who has it worse, single men or single women, really isn't gonna lead to anything productive here. Let's not go down that road.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:19 AM on September 6, 2016 [10 favorites]


Bswinburn, that's pretty harsh. It is a matter of truth that women get the shitty end of the stick. It is a matter of truth that some men do, too. It's unfortunate that our society penalizes anyone who isn't physically perfect.

We are all entitled to give and receive love. Often learning how to do that is hard. I believe that there at least several people in this world that we can connect with on a deep level. It's just finding them that's the hard part...
posted by BlueHorse at 8:22 AM on September 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm 63 and have all the romance I can handle. I am fine either way. Being alone I can do what I want mostly when I want. Having a guy who is good at doing stuff is nice too. Fortunately we lie enough of the same stuff. The bad part is very different dietary needs. I have lactose/casein intolerance. He LOVES cheese.
I also sometimes can't get him to quit teasing. Most of the time it's funny. We hardly ever have a serious conversation. He isn't that intellectual. He's intelligent, but about very different things. The best times we have are at antique stores, or the Agricultural Museum. He loves machines, especially steam powered ones. It's a good thing I like machines too.
I didn't find anyone nice until I literally no longer gave a damn.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 8:51 AM on September 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


Well, I've been accused of being a killjoy so I'll be one again, but in terms of environmental impact and efficient resource use, living alone is demonstrably socially harmful when scaled up (if everyone lived solo, we'd be massively wasting energy and resources), so while I fully support the idea people should be free to choose to live alone without stigma, people who choose to live solo should be consciously aware their lifestyle choice comes with measurable social and environmental costs that we're all paying on their behalf. Not saying that's not right or anything to be ashamed of, but an awareness of it at least might help us all discuss these issues in a way that doesn't reduce the discussion to purely subjective preference, identity, and social norms as taboos.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:57 AM on September 6, 2016


... And having kids is also terrible for the environment. I think that environmental concerns are a bit of a derail, here.
posted by TwoStride at 9:01 AM on September 6, 2016 [17 favorites]


"just work on yourself"

For me, "just work on yourself" has always come with the implied context of: If you need a relationship to feel happy/complete/whatever, you might wind up settling for relationships that aren't actually good for you because of the fear of being alone. If you actually do feel happy/complete/whatever in a relationship, even if it's not "optimal", that's awesome, but don't go into (or stay in) relationships that don't make you feel happy/complete/whatever.

I definitely did the serial monogamy thing for far too long, but it was taking time off of "boyfriends" for a year or so that helped put me, in a place where I could realize how perfect Mr. Motion was for me.

But anyway, the part I actually find hard about being single is that I never get touched, and this is always overlooked and undervalued. This is where the myth of self sufficiency breaks down.

This seems like a failure of imagination on the author's part. Casual sex isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it's an option. The author does "massage swaps" but feels weird about them: so pay a professional for a once a week visit, get your need for touch met, self-sufficiently. If paying a professional for a massage seems "weird" or "sad," go get a pedicure (or, for extra intimacy, a manicure). Take judo/aikido classes.

I am a big fan of the Western reticence for platonic touching (ugh...cheek kisses... "huggers"). But, as someone whose partner is often away from weeks/months at a time, there's plenty of ways to meet one's touch quota besides creeping on friends and acquaintances.

so while I fully support the idea people should be free to choose to live alone without stigma, people who choose to live solo should be consciously aware their lifestyle choice comes with measurable social and environmental costs that we're all paying on their behalf.

I'm pretty sure that producing children has a significantly worse environmental effect than living alone. All parents should be consciously aware their lifestyle choice comes with measurable social and environmental costs that we're all paying on their behalf.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:03 AM on September 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


Yeah definitely what single people need is to be reminded that they are ALSO ruining THE PLANET and maybe if they CARED about that they would what? Magically find a partner? Grudgingly agree to fuck the next person they met forever to save the earth? Honestly. What in the name of all that is holy is a single person supposed to do with that dig? It makes me want to set fire to a solar field out of pure unadulterated spite and I am not even single.

Re: the article. At times in my life I have resembled all of those remarks; however, it is possible to over-romanticize the ways in which a partner improves one's life. In my general experience (which may well be lousier than most; I have not had the seemingly magical relationships that many mefites describe), it's not that a partner improves one's life so much as they rebalance the scales of things that suck vs things that do not. When those scales rebalance so that the things that suck mostly comprise little, less-important things, well that's a relationship with some staying power.

And I will add to the chorus of quibbles above: if it were so much easier to eat well and exercise with a partner, my GP would not have been able to look at my 8 lb weight gain one year and say, "oh, new relationship?"

That said, permanent-ish partnerships do seem to be a critical component of building any manner of economic stability, so I would never begrudge someone wanting one.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:20 AM on September 6, 2016 [22 favorites]


There's so much great stuff in this thread that I don't know if I can find the words for it all, but, to sum up: Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one having these thoughts about singlehood and the like.

The Atlantic posted a relevant video last year that might be of interest to people. (No transcript--sorry!) Obviously there's only so much nuance you can squeeze into three minutes, but it's some interesting food for thought. For me, the quote that rings true is this:

"I don't think it is at all necessary to get married if you wanna have a fully happy, meaningful life. [...] I do think that having a meaningful, successful marriage is about as good a thing as you could do to be happy..."

So I continue looking.
posted by xenization at 9:51 AM on September 6, 2016


Mod note: One comment deleted. saulgoodman and others, please don't inaugurate a fight here about whether single people or parents are the greater environmental criminals. Plenty to talk about in this without having repetitive Group A vs Group B fights.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:03 AM on September 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


"Whence comes this peculiar form of asceticism in Western culture I cannot cozen out of it. Public affection is clearly possible, but only under scrupulous circumstances. Perhaps blame the puritans?"

Men in the USA touched far more frequently and intimately right up until after WWII when it suddenly became coded as gay, I suppose with all the other masculinity concerns of the Baby Boom era and sudden suburbanization and shift away from manufacturing. Anyway, if you watch movies or look at photos from before WWII, it's almost startling to see men sitting on each others' laps, holding hands, and generally hanging off each other.

I was a touchy feely teenager but that option just isn't available as a Midwestern adult where our space bubbles are large and only violable by partners and children. I'm all full up on touch generally from my little kids, but I still miss touching my friends.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:26 AM on September 6, 2016


Yeah, lack of touch is the only thing that really bothered me about being single. American culture is so strange about touch, and I did not really see it until I moved away. Now I live in a culture that is much more touch friendly, but I have to work not to enforce those old boundaries myself. When a friend puts their arm around me on the couch, my first response is to be uncomfortable, even if I really enjoy the closeness.
posted by Nothing at 10:33 AM on September 6, 2016


> Take judo/aikido classes.

Not sure if this was a serious suggestion, but although touch is necessary in many sports and athletic activities, I would be *massively* creeped out if there any kind of emotional need attached to eg a grapple in a class. (Not that I do judo or that it's an imminent concern. But I might at some point.) Massage, I guess some practitioners have an understanding that that's part of the deal, fine, NSA sex, intentions are usually pretty clear. Tl;dr would not prefer to be the unwitting participant in someone's deep touch feels please
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:37 AM on September 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


I would be *massively* creeped out if there any kind of emotional need attached to eg a grapple in a class.

I don't think that a "touch" needs to be understood in the moment to be getting someone's emotional nut off to be effective at meeting the Maslow-esque human "need" for touch.

From my own experience, it took me a while to notice that if I got pedicures every now and again while Mr. Motion was away, my cravings for snuggles from him decreased. The realization that the pedicures help me not be sad in that particular way, doesn't mean that I go in looking for emotional "satisfaction" I'm just getting ma toes did.

Conversely, one of the reasons why I didn't pursue martial arts training, even though on the surface I am interested and it would probably be good for me, is that the kinds of martial arts that interested me tended to have a lot of close grappling work and a few experiences with grappling with a non-romantic partner creeped me the hell out. Thankfully for people who enjoy brazillian jiu-jitsu and the like, that kind of thing doesn't bother them!

But you kind of have to assume that any situation that involves human contact is going to be "meeting a need" for someone, even if it's just emotional. Even just commenting on metafilter is probably meeting people's needs for "belonging to a group" and perhaps "respect of/by others."

But the link between "touch" and "intimacy" that makes the "creepy" line all blurry is part of why I think that while North American culture might be "strange" about touch, it's certainly superior.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:03 AM on September 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thoughts of another always-single 44yo woman: I have found that I get "touched" a lot at church. An older widow greets us all at the door with a hug (meeting her own emotional needs at the same time). I get to play and cuddle with kids & babies in the nursery, which also helps the parents out. And anybody else that wants to greet with a hug or handshake is not creepy or out of the ordinary in such a place. Small loving congregations might be the exception rather than the rule in this era of megachurches, but they're priceless. I also get massive, lung-crushing hugs from my toddler nephew, so I appreciate little tiny kid relatives and friends' kids who don't have that shy filter yet for hugging.

Another observation: I went to Costa Rica for the first time last month. What an affectionate country! Everyone greeted me and my friends with hugs and cheek-kisses, from day one. Hello and goodbye. I got more physical affection that week than I have my whole life. It was awesome. Stand-offish American culture is doing us single people no favors.
posted by jhope71 at 12:03 PM on September 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm making the Scooby Doo Runh? face now, sparklemotion, because touch carries meanings like any other form of communication, probably more so - intent, context, and reception of physical contact are hugely important in determining the nature of the experience, no? Someone hugs you just a *little* too long, it's uncomfortable, right? Why - maybe because you *dislike* them, maybe they smell less than good, maybe you haven't established a measure of comfort with them... I feel that bodily autonomy is sort of important. There's a difference between a wink and a blink, and between a handshake and *that* kind of hand shake. I can't be alone in this!
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:07 PM on September 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


Someone hugs you just a *little* too long, it's uncomfortable, right?

The thing is that people's thresholds are different. So to me, a culture that encourages active consent to touch (as opposed to social pressure) is more accommodating of the bodily autonomy of people for whom a hug of any length is a *little* too long.

Grappling/sparring/etc. involve touch that the participants have actively consented to. There are many good reasons to enjoy those activities, but human contact is certainly one of them. For me, the human contact is what turned me off, but I recognize that being turned off by it is idiosyncratic on my part. So, I appreciate living in a culture that doesn't force me to choose between grappling and seeming awkward/standoffish.

Conversely, hugging/cheek-kissing/hand-holding and the like between non-intimates are expected in some cultures. If I lived in one of those cultures, I'd either have to do something I didn't enjoy, or risk seeming rude/offending.

I'm also lucky, in that I don't have a problem with handshakes that aren't *that* kind of hand shake, so the societal expectation that I will shake hands doesn't cause me trouble. On the other hand (teehee) Donald Trump gets a lot of flack for being uncomfortable with shaking hands, and politics aside I kind of feel for him on that.
posted by sparklemotion at 12:40 PM on September 6, 2016


Well, I've used a cuddling service, and in my experience it's a net positive; it definitely helps improve mood and it's really physically satisfying, but to me personally, not as satisfying as cuddling with an emotionally intimate friend or partner. Partly because after a session ends, I'm left feeling acutely conscious of how sad it is our social bonds are so unstable and insensitive to the lived experiences and specific personal histories of others that some of us might be stuck paying for a commercial simulation of something that probably wouldn't be scarce enough to justify a paying market in a healthier, more humane society. Gratefully, I've also got friends that are good for a hug or a cuddle now and then, or else that feeling might have undone the benefits. It seems to me that when I was a kid, people were much more physically affectionate in general even in the US, but our self boundaries are so insecure now (my personal take on it), and we feel so defensive of our self images that we're overprotective of our autonomy and less open to casual trust and physical contact in general as a defensive mechanism.
posted by saulgoodman at 12:41 PM on September 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


You cold North American and Northern European people, terrified to touch. Move to a Latin country where people hug , hold hands, stroll arm in arm, hand on shoulder, male and female alike.

Oh good god, no, thank you.
posted by maryr at 2:16 PM on September 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


"work on yourself and make yourself worthy of love"

Yeah, it's especially hard for me to take this advice at face value after reading the emotional labor thread and seeing exactly how much us men have to work on stuff we're not even aware is a problem. Like, men currently in relationships have a bottomless well of things to work on, really. I've resolved that any relationship I'm in will be spent proactively working on emotional labor issues and being the absolute best and most conscious boyfriend I can be in that and other departments. But I can't seem to actually get in a relationship so apparently I have more to work on than even the worst dude in one. That's pretty cool to know.
posted by naju at 3:39 PM on September 6, 2016 [7 favorites]


Even with the lack of touch, and lack of support in stressful times, singledom still sounds preferable to an unhappy marriage, especially if you're a woman.
posted by a strong female character at 4:32 PM on September 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


"Unhappy marriage" is a pretty subjective and sloppy category. All marriages have ups and downs. Over the long term, model marriages can go through stretches of difficulty aggravated by uncontrollable life circumstances. But sure, a genuinely unhappy marriage with no give and take or potential for improvement is no good for anybody, and especially not kids (as a good number of people I've known and loved illustrate).
posted by saulgoodman at 5:13 PM on September 6, 2016


There's some regionalism in the touch thing in America, too. In California I have had lots of male friends where we hug. I can't imagine that nearly as much back on the East Coast where I grew up (and my friends who are originally East Coasters are much less likely to be huggers).
posted by thefoxgod at 5:36 PM on September 6, 2016


That said, who the hell are these women who find men who don't resent and aren't disgusted by their labour? I'm going to guess that they're all indie unicorns with lives that look like they belong on the pages of Kinfolk or something.

Or, you know, just regular folks who are, like, right here in the room with you. There's no need to slag on *other women* for things that are almost exclusively done *by men*.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:57 AM on September 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


Contra dancing and folk dancing are touchy but not touchy-feely, the places I've done them.
posted by clew at 2:20 PM on September 21, 2016


What is so hard about hugs and kisses?

This exactly. Similar to 80 cats in a dog suit, I grew up in a family that was not affectionate, and had an ex use my touch starvation against me. I definitely crave being touched. I have been single for a few years now, and while on one hand I agree loneliness is simply part of the human condition, on the other hand, on some level I am still enraged over why don't I deserve to be touched?

What is so hard? Never getting the safe or comforting experiences of touch when you needed them can leave its own kind of wound. It doesn't have to mean a sexual wound; it can also mean physical estrangement combined with harsh discipline growing up. Similar to 80 cats again, sometimes I feel I have been so deprived, I would melt and collapse under even the gentlest pressure of safe, comforting touch. (Trying to force that on me, though, is really not the same; it needs to be done with my genuine consent in order for any benefit to occur.)

That said, I do agree an unbeatable plus about North American culture is that it does offer the golden possibility of consent regarding touch, and that this does more to alleviate various pressures of the human condition than a complicated system of nuances involving mandatory touch does.

That also said... I had no idea a person could go to a hairdresser and negotiate for a hair wash / scalp massage only. Now I have an appointment to make!
posted by human ecologist at 5:59 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


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