The guy is drunk, but there he goes!

September 14, 2016 12:11 PM

On Monday Night Football's late game between the San Francisco 49ers and the LA Rams, a teenager ran onto the field. Although television cameras were quickly turned away from his antics, Westwood Radio announcer Kevin Harlan provided a colorful play-by-play call until the runner was tackled by security at the 40-yard line. The 16-year-old boy who ran on-field wrote his phone number on his chest, so Deadspin called him for an interview.
posted by palindromic (60 comments total)

Kevin Harlan was right: most entertaining moment of the match...
posted by Seeba at 12:22 PM on September 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

So you guys really do still say "hella". That's cool.
posted by Think_Long at 12:23 PM on September 14, 2016 [11 favorites]

16-year-old named William, who told me he had always dreamed of running onto a field.

Well, better 16 than 45.
At least security didn't taze him because they were too out of shape to catch him.
posted by lkc at 12:28 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

How often do you get to hear the word "clink" used in a sentence these days?! Classic.
posted by soakimbo at 12:32 PM on September 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

Hrm, this sort of stuff usually falls under Herostratus-lite, for fear of encouraging everytroll and his dog. If he was protesting that Black Lives Matter or some particular, under-served cause I'd feel more conflicted about whether to criticise the follow-up but, honestly....
posted by comealongpole at 12:34 PM on September 14, 2016

What about that time his friend was getting his picture taken and he held up his fingers behind his head so they looked like antenna? I bet he even yelled something out a of car window once.
posted by bongo_x at 12:43 PM on September 14, 2016 [4 favorites]

> Hrm, this sort of stuff usually falls under Herostratus-lite, for fear of encouraging everytroll and his dog.

Like I'm not normally one given to deontological ethics, but it seems to me that this satisfies the "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law" formulation of the Kantian categorical imperative.

Certainly, if everyone ran around shirtless on football fields during games, this would necessarily disrupt those games — but, I'd argue, running around shirtless until security catches you is a higher and better use of a football field than actually playing professional football on it.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:46 PM on September 14, 2016 [51 favorites]

Is it some rule that professional sports coaches aren't allowed to ever look even mildly amused?
posted by bondcliff at 12:51 PM on September 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

what an amazing young man. what does his future hold.
posted by My Dad at 12:54 PM on September 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

I'd argue, running around shirtless until security catches you is a higher and better use of a football field

It would be the classic Kantian wrong, a maxim that can't be universalized: if everyone did it no one would watch, defeating the purpose in the first place.
posted by jpe at 12:54 PM on September 14, 2016 [11 favorites]

I want streaking to come back. Naked people Benny Hilling officials during sportsball is hilarious. Streaking is never not funny. I kind of wish a naked man would run through my office and high five everyone. I'm having a super shit day at work.
posted by asockpuppet at 1:01 PM on September 14, 2016 [44 favorites]

> if everyone did it no one would watch, defeating the purpose in the first place.

I think we differ as to the purpose of running around shirtless on a football field until security catches you.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:02 PM on September 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

The most interesting part of this story for me last night is that I learned that people ejected from NFL games have to pay $250 to attend an online Fan Conduct Class as part of the process of being allowed back in. The fee seems to have escalated sharply--it only cost $75 a few years ago, with $20 of that going to non-profit organizations. Or, as Dan Hanzus put it:

If we ever bump into Dr. Ari Novick, we will shake that man's hand.

Brilliance deserves to be recognized, and Novick has figured out how to monetize drunken idiocy with his $75 four-hour class and "code-of-conduct" test that unruly fans must pass for re-admittance to games at some NFL stadiums.

America: the land where someone sees a drunk man hurling racially charged insults at a football game and thinks "I see a business opportunity."
posted by zachlipton at 1:04 PM on September 14, 2016 [18 favorites]

I kind of wish a naked man would run through my office and high five everyone. I'm having a super shit day at work.

Hey have you heard about TaskRabbit
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:05 PM on September 14, 2016 [59 favorites]

America: the land where someone sees a drunk man hurling racially charged insults at a football game and thinks "I see a business opportunity.

Dan Synder agrees.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:06 PM on September 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

And it wouldn't also be America without Ari Novick drawing "scrutiny" back in 2012 for exaggerating professional credentials, possibly violating ethics rules, and plagiarizing chunks of the Fan Conduct Course.
posted by zachlipton at 1:08 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Crap, he's a husky owner... giving a bad name to a good dog. But, I can attest - if owners are like their pets... which breed would most likely run wild across a football stadium if given the chance?

Yep, that's right... a husky...
posted by Nanukthedog at 1:09 PM on September 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

what an amazing young man. what does his future hold.

He's following his dreams. Isn't that all you're supposed to do these days? Inspirational.
posted by bongo_x at 1:09 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

We could compromise and have the players run around the field drunk and shirtless, but then we'd just be watching rugby.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:12 PM on September 14, 2016 [24 favorites]

I think we differ as to the purpose of running around shirtless on a football field until security catches you.

We watch because it's the exception. If it were the rule, it would be a grosser puppy bowl.
posted by jpe at 1:12 PM on September 14, 2016

maybe he was in a temporary autonomous zone; not sure if Kant works in those
posted by thelonius at 1:13 PM on September 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

what an amazing young man. what does his future hold.

Whatever it is, it's going to be hella.
posted by bendy at 1:13 PM on September 14, 2016 [9 favorites]

I kind of wish a naked man would run through my office and high five everyone. I'm having a super shit day at work.

Hey have you heard about TaskRabbit

I am too and that made me laugh. /logs into TaskRabbit
posted by bendy at 1:17 PM on September 14, 2016 [4 favorites]

which breed would most likely run wild across a football stadium if given the chance?

Let's ask....FENTON!
posted by mogget at 1:23 PM on September 14, 2016 [8 favorites]

So you guys really do still say "hella". That's cool.

sixteen year-olds do. Not sure about the rest of us.
posted by GuyZero at 1:25 PM on September 14, 2016

Whatever it is, it's going to be hella.

more like hella mild.
posted by GuyZero at 1:26 PM on September 14, 2016

"Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?"
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:30 PM on September 14, 2016 [10 favorites]

Anyone who uses the term "sportsball" is allowed to use it as long as they never make any other pop culture references, ever. Have to stick strictly to "Chicken Soup for the Soul" references.
posted by My Dad at 1:36 PM on September 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

Anyone who uses the term "sportsball" is allowed to use it as long as they never make any other pop culture references, ever.

But I only watch hockey. I have to have something to refer to all those other not-hockey sports as a monolith.
posted by asockpuppet at 1:39 PM on September 14, 2016

i was at this game! it was my first ever NFL game and i know absolutely nothing about football but my bf is a big niners fan so i got us tickets. boy howdy are NFL fans way more drunk and insanely aggro than basketball or baseball fans. major shoutout to the completely blitzed guy behind us who couldn't remember any players' names and just ended up screaming obscenities into the wind

we left early though cuz it was freezing cold and getting late so we missed seeing this happen irl. oops
posted by burgerrr at 1:43 PM on September 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

also there was a guy wearing a kaepernick jersey that had "bye felicia" scrawled on it in sharpie and i wish i'd spilled my beer on him
posted by burgerrr at 1:45 PM on September 14, 2016 [7 favorites]

But I only watch hockey

Hockey: socially acceptable curling.
posted by zippy at 1:53 PM on September 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

it was my first ever NFL game and i know absolutely nothing about football but my bf is a big niners fan so i got us tickets. boy howdy are NFL fans way more drunk and insanely aggro than basketball or baseball fans. major shoutout to the completely blitzed guy behind us who couldn't remember any players' names and just ended up screaming obscenities into the wind


The first NFL game I went to, my ticket was in something called The Stomping Zone, which was about what you'd expect. The only thing I remember is different drunk dudes at different times wailing on a nearby metal railing to express their emotions about a game that was like 44-12 or something at the time. The only other one I've been to, The Stomping Zone was with us the whole time, spiritually, in the form of my friend's drunk ass of a roommate who had 20 beers tailgating, hopped the fence despite having a ticket, and alternated between bleeding from a cut he'd picked up coming down from the razor wire, hooting random gibberish about the 2009 Bills, and hitting on everything in his field of vision. His night ended when he tried to sneak around half a dozen cops to pee on a wall.

Basically, NFL games suck in person for everyone except the very, very drunk, and even then it's 50/50.
posted by Copronymus at 2:07 PM on September 14, 2016 [13 favorites]

what an amazing young man. what does his future hold.

Extra points if you read the above in a Howard Cosell voice.
posted by ensign_ricky at 2:17 PM on September 14, 2016 [17 favorites]

I was hoping that the title of the post would not be "The guy is drunk! But there he goes!" so that I could come in here and type, "The guy is drunk! But there he goes!"
posted by Don Pepino at 2:20 PM on September 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

hooting random gibberish about the 2009 Bills

To be fair to your friend, everyone from Buffalo is constantly hooting random gibberish about the Bills.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 2:21 PM on September 14, 2016 [8 favorites]

A coworker at a prior job once streaked at a Mariners game, at a staff party no less. (Actual conversation: "Hey, if I take off my clothes and run naked onto the field, will you guys bail me out?" "Haha sure. *pause* Um, guys, where did he go?") Needless to say, alcohol was involved. He came perilously close to having to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life because "children were present at the game".
posted by skycrashesdown at 2:29 PM on September 14, 2016 [4 favorites]

Is it some rule that professional sports coaches aren't allowed to ever look even mildly amused?

That's Jeff Fisher. He's doing a lot of contemplating of his life choices these days, after he traded 5 picks including two first rounds for a quarterback who wasn't even good enough to dress for the first game of the season.
posted by T.D. Strange at 2:31 PM on September 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

Taken DOWN at the 40 yard line!!!!!! Love it.

Someone redub the 2016 election with this call.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:35 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Jeff Fisher gets a lot of grief for finishing 8-8 a disturbingly high percentage of the time...but if he gets 8 wins this season, it'll be a hell of an accomplishment.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 2:37 PM on September 14, 2016

Let's see him jump on the ice at a hockey game. Try again and It won't turn out well.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 2:42 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

But I only watch hockey.

My son plays hockey. It's a goddamn religion. It's like he went and married a Mormon.
posted by My Dad at 3:00 PM on September 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

But I only watch hockey

Hockey: socially acceptable curling.

#PleaseLikeMySport
posted by non canadian guy at 3:16 PM on September 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

I don't get why anyone is compelled to run on the field at sporting events. It has been a criminal offence for a very long time.

Everytime I hear something like this it reminds me on this blue jay fan who in great detail tells you what exactly happens if you do something stupid like this.
posted by 81818181818181818181 at 3:22 PM on September 14, 2016 [6 favorites]

I've been the drunk asshole yelling things at a baseball game, but I'm strictly bush league for the NFL.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:25 PM on September 14, 2016

Deadspin has an extensive Idiot On the Field section and they know which ones are the best.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:29 PM on September 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

what an amazing young man. what does his future hold.

Extra points if you read the above in a Howard Cosell voice.

You know now that you say that, it would make a lot of sense if My Dad was a reanimated Howard Cosell brain in a jar.

I will now read all of his posts in the appropriate voice.
posted by Celsius1414 at 3:32 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

maybe he was in a temporary autonomous zone; not sure if Kant works in those

God, football is so complicated.
posted by dragstroke at 5:27 PM on September 14, 2016 [9 favorites]

Harlan was amazing. The Santa Clara 49ers and the Inglewood Rams not so much.
posted by bukvich at 6:35 PM on September 14, 2016

Let's see him jump on the ice at a hockey game

The tackling ref's name in that clip?

Asselstine...life is too funny to make up yourself.
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 6:46 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Skycrashesdown, I was at a Mariners game when a streaker ran onto the field. I can't narrow the time frame very well, it would be between 2001-2003. I have pictures of him though!
posted by Jazz Hands at 7:17 PM on September 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Someone get this kid a Mazda.
Make a commerical with a player tossing him the keys in the exit tunnel.
posted by clavdivs at 7:32 PM on September 14, 2016

Everytime I hear something like this it reminds me on this blue jay fan who in great detail tells you what exactly happens if you do something stupid like this.

Those legal documents are absolutely fantastic.
posted by Spatch at 7:37 PM on September 14, 2016

I've seen a couple instances at NFL games where an actual player decided to intervene. It's not pretty. One guy got clotheslined and jebus, the poor bastard's feet flew up like it was a classic WB cartoon. The other was a streaker who got a casual shoulder from a big defensive guy and it was like the streaker had run into a brick wall.

You wanna run onto the field. Stick to baseball.
posted by Ber at 7:43 PM on September 14, 2016

I saw two guys do this at the Toronto Argos season opener earlier this year. The first guy jumped down, whipped off his shirt, ran to one end, touched the upright, then ran to the other and did the same. Huge ovation. Security didn't catch up with him, and once he'd touched the second upright, he headed toward one of the guards. They nodded to each other, the runner tapped the guard's back and then let himself be led to the sidelines where all the security convened. It was very polite, very CFL.

But then the second dude ran out on the field. The crowd turned on him because they wanted to get back to the game. He got booed, and since all the security were tied up with the first guy one of the Argos decided to take matters into his own hands. The runner did a funny little hands up, back run thing before being pretty harshly slammed into the ground (which is real grass this year, yay!).
posted by melgy at 8:05 PM on September 14, 2016

It would be the classic Kantian wrong, a maxim that can't be universalized: if everyone did it no one would watch, defeating the purpose in the first place.


This is where Adam Smith's patented Invisible Hand comes in.
posted by OurOwnMrK at 6:08 AM on September 15, 2016

bondcliff: "Is it some rule that professional sports coaches aren't allowed to ever look even mildly amused?"

It's kinda funny I noticed a slight smirk on the 49ers coach and the players in the second half of that clip and contrasted it with the angry appearance of the Rams guy, and thought - I bet ya 10 dollars to 1 the niners are winning, so I look down and see 10-0? (I think it was?) and now I want to know how that winning vs losing changes disposition of coaches. It was hard to see the Rams faces because they had helmets on, but some looked at least partially amused, but still not as much as the 49ers players.
posted by symbioid at 9:44 AM on September 15, 2016

Years ago I attended the Detroit Tigers season opener with a friend who knew absolutely nothing about baseball (or sports in general). There were at least three Idiots On The Field during the course of the game, and the second time it happened he turned to me and asked "Is this part of the actual game?"
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:53 AM on September 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Basically, NFL games suck in person for everyone except the very, very drunk, and even then it's 50/50.

I must strenuously disagree. I've had fun at every NFL game I've attended, and the experience has occasionally been magical -- as in the case of my visit to Lambeau Field.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 12:30 PM on September 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

The Rams are featured on the current season of Hard Knocks, and Jeff Fisher, like most football coaches, uses a lot of swears:

“I am not f—ing going 7-9 or 8-8 or 9-7, OK? Or 10-6 for that matter,” Fisher told the players after cutting Long. “This team is too talented. I am not going to settle for that, OK? I know what I am doing. We had some 7-9 bulls— this morning. Now, Deon’s gone. That is 7-9 bulls—.”

After the show aired his mom called him to scold him for his potty mouth. Fisher is 58 and makes $7 million a year. "When I hear 'Jeffrey!' It's uh-oh. Something went wrong."
posted by kirkaracha at 2:19 PM on September 15, 2016