It slowly sank below the surface.

September 18, 2016 8:03 AM

Is this the most convincing picture of the Loch Ness monster ever taken? There have been five other reported sightings of the monster in 2016 which, including Ian’s latest, is the highest number since 2002.
posted by Lanark (74 comments total)

You mean what's following the seal? Maybe. Or other seals.
posted by bongo_x at 8:08 AM on September 18, 2016 [12 favorites]

It wasn't until he got home that the photographer noticed the three humps of Nessie. And then ran a crappy tilt-shift filter on the picture for good measure.
posted by thecjm at 8:09 AM on September 18, 2016 [5 favorites]

Well, yes, it is, but that is not a high bar. It's like "most attractive pair of Crocs."

I have to confess I was super convinced by the "muppet" photo as a youth.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:11 AM on September 18, 2016 [7 favorites]

It's clearly three seals in a trench coat
posted by The Gaffer at 8:19 AM on September 18, 2016 [80 favorites]

Metro is channeling their inner Onion: Photographer spots Loch Ness Monster and NOT three seals playing together: "The ‘creature’, which is definitely one long serpentine monster and NOT three separate seals bobbing through the water, was spotted by amateur photographer Ian Bremner when he was driving around the Highlands. The 58-year-old was apparently searching for red deer, but instead stumbled across the rare sight of three seals playing together Nessie."
posted by effbot at 8:20 AM on September 18, 2016 [15 favorites]

Is this the most convincing picture of the Loch Ness monster ever taken?

No. That would be this video footage from the mid 80s.
posted by flabdablet at 8:24 AM on September 18, 2016 [18 favorites]

There are seals in Loch Ness? How did monster-sightings ever become a phenomenon with such an obvious explanation at hand?
posted by Western Infidels at 8:32 AM on September 18, 2016 [7 favorites]

I don't know, guys. Between the corpseflowers and this fucking election, I'm willing to believe this is the year. I mean, if we ever needed aliens to save us from ourselves...
posted by a power-tie-wearing she-capitalist at 8:36 AM on September 18, 2016 [13 favorites]

Going further down the rabbit hole, turns out it may have been seals all the way down all along...
posted by saulgoodman at 8:36 AM on September 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

I thought that turned out to be just a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:39 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yeah I had no idea there were seals in Loch Ness, that totally changes things! http://www.lochnessinvestigation.com/siln.html
posted by Buckt at 8:41 AM on September 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

What if we were the true monsters all along? Makes you think.
posted by eykal at 8:42 AM on September 18, 2016 [45 favorites]

It's clearly three seals in a trench coat

how do they get the buttons done up with those little flippers
posted by janepanic at 8:45 AM on September 18, 2016 [21 favorites]

There are seals and apparently they are skilled at Photoshop.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:49 AM on September 18, 2016

What if the true monster is our lack of faith?
posted by signal at 8:51 AM on September 18, 2016 [9 favorites]

Now I'm nostalgic for the pre-Photoshop era when someone could publish a blurry photo of their favorite cryptid and everyone would say, "Hmm, seems legit."
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:53 AM on September 18, 2016 [5 favorites]

taking resources away from the hunt for the Highland Bigfoot
posted by thelonius at 8:55 AM on September 18, 2016

There are seals that live in freshwater, although I can't find any authoritative reference that includes Loch Ness as a habitat. Otters would fit the bill, though, especially given that in this picture as in many others there is nothing to give a good sense of scale. Plus, their paws are very dextrous and so they would have no problem with buttons or basic Photoshop functions.
posted by TedW at 8:55 AM on September 18, 2016 [65 favorites]

what if the Loch Ness Monster is like "guys, seriously, those monkeys are stalking me and trying to take my picture" but the other Loch Ness Monsters don't believe him
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:57 AM on September 18, 2016 [19 favorites]

If they are seals, that means the entire island of Great Britain is surrounded by monsters.
posted by Lanark at 8:57 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Even Nessie is perturbed by Brexit.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:03 AM on September 18, 2016

Certainly we have entered a new era when someone posts "serious" research on the Loch Ness Monster and my inner skeptic is silenced by "Yeah but, did you ever think Donald Trump had a serious shot at becoming the most powerful man in the world?" Nothing is impossible anymore and the existence of Nessie seems more scientifically plausible than a Trump presidency.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:03 AM on September 18, 2016 [12 favorites]

My favorite part about conspiracy theories is that they always feel the need to include anything that supports their position, even if it conflicts with their other evidence. Meaning that there must be a good half dozen species of large previously undiscovered animals lurking beneath the surface of Loch Ness to represent all of the varying appearances that have been reported.
posted by ckape at 9:05 AM on September 18, 2016

Between the corpseflowers and this fucking election, I'm willing to believe this is the year.

There've been "Bigfoot" sightings in Michigan, and at the same time Trump has closed the gap on Hillary in this state. Do the math, sheeple!!

(Also, I don't want there to be a Nessie cos it's a giant snake gross)
posted by NorthernLite at 9:08 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

I know I search for deer in a loch.
posted by srboisvert at 9:10 AM on September 18, 2016 [6 favorites]

Werner Herzog's great documentary Incident at Loch Ness clearly shows that Nessie is real, and is a clear manifestation of nature's brutal indifference to the fragility of human mortality.
posted by airish at 9:11 AM on September 18, 2016 [5 favorites]

I was once taking pictures at a minor league baseball game, and when I looked at the pictures, I was amazed to see a flying saucer hovering over the stadium. Huh! Who knew aliens were interested in minor league? Then I blew up the saucer and saw I had caught a crow in flight with just the wing configuration to look saucer-shaped. The lesson I learned was that if I wasn't trying to take a picture of a thing, I should discount that thing if it turns up in a photo.
posted by acrasis at 9:12 AM on September 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

Ochreii Submarineus
posted by clavdivs at 9:13 AM on September 18, 2016

Donald Trumps first sightings were at Birch Run...and this cannot be confused with that moose who stole Ted Nugents' monster truck in Auburn.
posted by clavdivs at 9:16 AM on September 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

In effbot's Metro article link, if you click on the photo, the first slide is captioned "Splashy splashy" and the second "100% legit photo of the Loch Ness Monster."
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:21 AM on September 18, 2016 [5 favorites]

Due to credit card processing fees, the Loch Ness Monster is asking for a 15% surcharge on top of the customary tree-fiddy.
posted by dr_dank at 9:46 AM on September 18, 2016 [5 favorites]

Western Infidels: "There are seals in Loch Ness? How did monster-sightings ever become a phenomenon with such an obvious explanation at hand?"

What do you think the Loch Ness Monster eats?
posted by chavenet at 10:00 AM on September 18, 2016 [4 favorites]

I just assumed he got his food at a kiosk.
posted by winna at 10:02 AM on September 18, 2016 [4 favorites]

I've probably mentioned it before on MeFi, but my favourite lake monster story is when the local authorities put the Swedish Storsjöodjuret on the list of endangered species in the eighties, pointing to how the number of observations had fallen lately, and kept it there for almost 20 years until someone applied for permission to collect monster eggs and took it to the courts when the request was rejected, which caused some confusion and finally an intervention from central government who didn't find it funny at all since Government is Serious Business.
posted by effbot at 10:08 AM on September 18, 2016 [17 favorites]

the real monster is the friends we made along the way
posted by poffin boffin at 10:30 AM on September 18, 2016 [34 favorites]

Nessie? Pah! Call me when someone has a picture of the Hairy Hands of Dartmoor. Actually don't, I'm allergic to fur. (And fear).
posted by comealongpole at 10:46 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

If they are seals, that means the entire island of Great Britain is surrounded by monsters.

You've been talking to our trawlermen, haven't you?
posted by howfar at 10:51 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Or UKIP.
posted by comealongpole at 10:54 AM on September 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

There. Are. THREE. Seals.
posted by Splunge at 11:00 AM on September 18, 2016 [9 favorites]

Look, all you "those are seals" naysayers are ignoring that the monster has clearly evolved to be mistaken for seals, it's protective coloration, the way that many North American river monsters have evolved to look like those amphibious tour buses that are everywhere in the summer.

It makes perfect sense.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:10 AM on September 18, 2016 [7 favorites]

bigfoot is really a duck boat
posted by poffin boffin at 11:19 AM on September 18, 2016 [4 favorites]

Maybe when a big ol' hairy Sasquatch gets wet, it looks all sleek and seal-like.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:19 AM on September 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

I saw a Bigfoot once. Sure he made himself up to look like a rabbit, but that's just camouflage. I knew it was him.
posted by downtohisturtles at 11:19 AM on September 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

what other secrets has boston been keeping from us
posted by poffin boffin at 11:19 AM on September 18, 2016

>What do you think the Loch Ness Monster eats?

Taco truck?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:42 AM on September 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

That's more then a feeling.
posted by clavdivs at 11:44 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Those look like a group of river otters to me. Are there even freshwater seals in Scotland?
posted by fshgrl at 11:48 AM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

As a former member of the Loch Ness and Morar project, what I want to know is where he was standing when he took the photo, and I want the uncropped picture so we can see the far bank of the loch and start judging some distances. It was the uncropped version of the Surgeon's Photo that put paid to its last claims of legitimacy.
posted by Hogshead at 12:47 PM on September 18, 2016

Seals. Next.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 12:49 PM on September 18, 2016

If this was any more seals it'd be singing Kiss From a Rose in four-part harmony with itself.
posted by BrashTech at 12:51 PM on September 18, 2016 [13 favorites]

What if it were a seal a meal? The seal out front, was prey? Maybe the tooth fairy will come back again.
posted by Oyéah at 1:02 PM on September 18, 2016

I hate to break it to you cats.
posted by PHINC at 1:05 PM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

That seals the deal for me.
posted by -t at 1:11 PM on September 18, 2016

>And then ran a crappy tilt-shift filter on the picture for good measure.

Why do you say this is the result of a "tilt-shift filter"? Do you simply not know how depth of field works with telephoto lenses?
posted by kcds at 2:14 PM on September 18, 2016

Years ago, I briefly worked with a journal dedicated to various science phenomena, including the crypto-zoological. That was an experience that put most of my more staid science editing experience to shame, not least because of the passionate letters directed to said pub which often featured hand-drawn representations of creatures too fast or elusive to capture through conventional photographic means.

People love to make fun of fringe science -- and some of it is fairly hilarious -- but after years of reading the most stomach-churning "serious" science I dearly wish they'd find more challenging targets for their scorn. Conflicts of interest, poor or unethical methodologies, advertorials, utterly cynical industry influencers: there are some very finely regarded journals with extremely high impact factors that somehow continue to get away with spectacularly shitty science to the apparent disgust of absolutely no one.

The journal I mentioned? I do not want to violate any confidence but Nessie was a major subject of it. A yearly trip to Scotland with extremely expensive and delicate equipment sort of investment. The scientist who organized these trips and I rarely spoke -- he was in delicate health but robustly, absurdly busy always. Those few times we conversed, I noticed his accent and formal dialect, a sort of High Academic jargon I think of as classically European. Then one day I learned, from his extremely professional and on-the-ball assistant, that he'd lost most of his family to the Holocaust when merely a little boy.

A lost family, few "important" friends, uncertain health -- none of these obstacles prevented this scientist from following his passion, the Ur-passion that drives all science or at least should: to know, once and for all, what is this mysterious phenomena? How did it happen? What does it mean? Additionally and because we are talking about a fast-moving, elusive, and possibly intelligent being: Who is this, and how long has it known us? Because taking extreme pains to avoid the stink and ruination most of us visit on the natural world is a very sensible choice for any creature to make, really.

It's been a long time now -- so long I'm afraid to check whether the scientist still exists, himself -- but I hope he does and that he has seen this picture. Let it mean something real and wonderful to him, and renew his hope of meeting a truly wondrous and apparently sui generis creature at last. He spent most his life diving among lochs; I spent most of mine correcting proofs -- too often, proofs of nothing. I wish I'd been a bit braver instead. I wish I had taken that picture.
posted by melissa may at 3:18 PM on September 18, 2016 [19 favorites]

I'm a big fan of cryptozoology. I actually did a college paper on it that wrapped up all types of phenomena with a neat little bow on top. Well, I actually stole the idea from John Keel's book, The Eight Tower. But still, I didn't plagiarize because I can't find the book.

I guess my point is, I Want to Believe. But I can't.
posted by Splunge at 3:33 PM on September 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

Some people see a monster. We see improper metering, poor lens selection, and a total lack of composition.
posted by Drab_Parts at 3:51 PM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Due to credit card processing fees, the Loch Ness Monster is asking for a 15% surcharge on top of the customary tree-fiddy.

you guys YOU GUYS thank you for this post because I have to tell you this story.

So we have a local monster legend, the Lake Worth Monster, it has even less going for it than Loch Ness but anyway, there is a local theater company that wrote a musical for it in the 60s. Which I saw a revival of Friday. And it was so, so terrible, watered-down-Jesus-Christ-Superstar shit, but they added some PUPPETS and main character Cowboy Billy who warbles endlessly and THEN THERE ARE MIMES and six women in togas dancing pointlessly and possibly the worst lyrics ever and it goes on forever (because the monster was US ALL AlONG, this is a shocker I know).

Anyway, the one redeeming feature was the Monster himself, a puppet that took about 8 people and came out at the end (intoning "YOU CAN NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF, BILLY") but was seriously huge and awesome and lit up and looked vaguely like Nessie.

And when it did, my husband leans over and says "That'll be about tree-fiddy."
posted by emjaybee at 5:41 PM on September 18, 2016 [11 favorites]

emjaybee, I'm pretty sure now that when I get to hell I will be watching that production forever. I was resigned before, but now I regret my life choices and wish it was not too late to repent.
posted by bongo_x at 6:14 PM on September 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

It is true that one man's hell is another winn's heaven because that sounds deliriously awesome to me.
posted by winna at 6:16 PM on September 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Between corpseflowers and this fucking election, I'm willing to believe this is the year

Gellar Field breach imminent.
posted by um at 6:18 PM on September 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

But seriously, wouldn't seals in a freshwater lake in Scotland would be a BIG FREAKING DEAL by itself? Why would people go to the trouble of saying it's a fake monster? Oh wait, I guess it actually wouldn't be that big a deal for seals to get to Loch Ness, it's open to the sea via the River Ness. OK, carry on, seals are NBD.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 4:54 AM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

For example this seal 40 miles inland.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 4:55 AM on September 19, 2016

The other fun bit here: Modern (filmless) cameras have this neat feature where if you hold down the shutter button they take a lot of photos in quick succession.

If this were anything but seals, the photos immediately before and after this one in would show it clearly.

The fact that there are not more shots says that either the photographer knew it was fake, or that he's quite an awful photographer.

Why do the aliens and cryptids only ever seem to reveal themselves to the folks who couldn't camera their way out of a paper bag? Why? I think they're just fucking with us...
posted by caution live frogs at 9:49 AM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

He's alive. Just pretend it's NBD and here's hoping it'll stay that way. Also...ay yi yi. I'm exactly who and what he despises in humans. People keep asking me why I always need to go lay down but then life is so strange, I don't know how anyone remains upright through most of it.
posted by melissa may at 9:56 AM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

folks who couldn't camera their way out of a paper bag

It's surprisingly difficult to do; you have to use the flash hundreds of times for it to burn a hole in the paper big enough to get out through.

Easier if you have a motorized telephoto lens that extends far enough to punch through the bag wall.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:53 AM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

But it was not until he got back to his home in Nigg, Invergordon, that he noticed three humps emerging from the water which he thinks could be the elusive monster.

Didn't notice the humps until he got home? Interesting then that the...erm, monster seems to be the point of focus for the photo. I'd like to know why he even took this photo that is incredibly drab and boring if you don't see three humps in it.

Congratulations to this commenter on the Scotsman article:

The water displacement (splashing) ahead of the second and third humps clearly indicates there are 3 distinct objects in the frame. If this were indeed a serpent-like creature, there would be no water displacement such as what you see in the picture.

That sounds right to me--an undulating snakelike creature wouldn't splash like that. I guess I need Mythbusters to test the idea, though.

The stories about seals in Loch Ness are interesting, although it sounds like it's a fairly unusual occurrence. An even simpler explanation would be that this photo wasn't even taken at Loch Ness.
posted by polecat at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2016

when a big ol' hairy Sasquatch gets wet, it looks all sleek and seal-like.

Hello mixed feelings
posted by CynicalKnight at 5:52 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Congratulations to this commenter on the Scotsman article:


So... at least one true Scotsman, then.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:55 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

That sounds right to me--an undulating snakelike creature wouldn't splash like that. I guess I need Mythbusters to test the idea, though.


That and the fact that snakes don't swim like that, they undulate back and forth while staying submerged so that their muscles push against the water to move forward. It would make no sense at all for an animal to "swim" in an up and down motion like this.
posted by fshgrl at 9:34 PM on September 19, 2016

when a big ol' hairy Sasquatch gets wet, it looks all sleek and seal-like.

Hello mixed feelings

hello im here to kinkshame
posted by poffin boffin at 12:28 AM on September 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

One of the Loch Ness Monster books - it might be Loch Ness Monster Solved- has a picture of a deer swimming in Loch Ness.
The book points out that there are more pictures of the Loch Ness Monster than there are of deer swimming in the lake.
posted by wittgenstein at 4:12 AM on September 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

The one thing I took away from MH370 (the Malaysian Airlines flight that went down over the Indian Ocean) is that our remote sensing over and through water is not great. Things hide in the deep.
posted by effugas at 4:52 AM on September 21, 2016

Indian Ocean: 73,560,000 km², mean depth 3,890 m
Loch Ness: 56.4 km², mean depth: 132 m

so even if we ignore the depth it's roughly the difference between finding someone hiding in your apartment and finding someone hiding somewhere in Disney World, Florida (or across two Manhattans, if that's easier to visualize).
posted by effbot at 11:17 AM on September 24, 2016