“Ooooh, floor pie!”
September 19, 2016 11:17 AM   Subscribe

‘Five-Second Rule’ for Food on Floor Is Untrue, Study Finds [The New York Times] “You may think your floors are so clean you can eat off them, but a new study debunking the so-called five-second rule would suggest otherwise. Professor Donald W. Schaffner, a food microbiologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, said a two-year study he led concluded that no matter how fast you pick up food that falls on the floor, you will pick up bacteria with it. The findings in the report — “Is the Five-Second Rule Real?” — appeared online this month in the American Society for Microbiology’s journal, Applied and Environmental Microbiology.”
posted by Fizz (121 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
More floor food for me then. Joke's on you, science.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:21 AM on September 19, 2016 [52 favorites]


This was not a thing that needed to be debunked
posted by clockzero at 11:22 AM on September 19, 2016 [59 favorites]


Isn't this the same sort of germ paranoia that brought us antibacterial hand soap?

EAT DIRT, PEOPLE. It's good for you.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2016 [52 favorites]


I personally find that a forgotten or lost potato chip discovered under the couch actually tastes better. Something about the wonder of it makes it more special. When did this happen? How long have you been missing? Are you still crunchy? You must miss your brothers. I must consume you. This is happening.
posted by Fizz at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2016 [52 favorites]


the American Society for Microbiology’s journal

Did the editors pinky swear that this is valid?
posted by thelonius at 11:23 AM on September 19, 2016


What if I blow on it? That works, right??
posted by areaperson at 11:24 AM on September 19, 2016 [15 favorites]


So the 24 second floor clock rule I use, then, is totally bogus?
posted by .kobayashi. at 11:25 AM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


Bacteria also found on counter, air, tester, food, and dinnerware. News at 11. Bacteria also found on news and clock.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:25 AM on September 19, 2016 [94 favorites]


Of course, your food will pick up bacteria from the air if you don't drop it at all. Also, your food contains bacteria to begin with. Oh, and much of your food only exists as that food because of bacteria.

The interesting study would be in the overall health outcomes of people that do and do not pick up food off the floor.
posted by CaseyB at 11:26 AM on September 19, 2016 [37 favorites]


Is the kind of bacteria on the floor the kind of bacteria that makes you sick, though?

which found that surface cross-contamination was the sixth most common contributing factor out of 32 in outbreaks of food-borne illnesses.

Isn't this usually cross contamination of kitchen surfaces? Like, not cleaning something on which raw animal meat was chopped, etc.
posted by Gymnopedist at 11:27 AM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


i mean? so what? so fucking what, i ask you. if i drop a piece of popcorn on the floor of my own home then i am going to eat it and no one can stop me. if i drop a spoonful of yogurt on the floor it gets wiped up. i assume everyone has a similar will eat/will not eat line that is clearly delineated in their heads.

really the grossest thing is when you put your grocery bags on the floor of the subway and then forget and put them on your counters. great, now your counters have legionnaire's, well done.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:29 AM on September 19, 2016 [53 favorites]


also im so mad that the photo on the article conflates dropping something on the SIDEWALK, the filthy gross vile sidewalk that is right now at this moment covered in pee and poo and garbage juice and beer vom and DEATH ACTUAL DEATH, with the floor of one's home.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:31 AM on September 19, 2016 [15 favorites]


I never assumed my floors were clean. Hell, I'm the one in charge of cleaning them. As for the 5-second rule...A little bacteria will give your immune system something to do for awhile.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:31 AM on September 19, 2016 [8 favorites]


Didn't the Mythbusters figure out the same thing?

I taught my son the five second rule at a very early age and I still practice it myself, no matter what those fancy pants science people tell me.

The exceptions are if I drop something on the floor of the subway station or maybe Home Depot. It also depends on the value and texture of the food. If I drop some yogurt on my nice clean rug I'm not going to eat it but if I drop some fried chicken onto the floor of one of those barns where the cows are knee deep in their own poop I'd still pick it up and eat it.
posted by bondcliff at 11:32 AM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


Attention NYT: have to traverse a sidewalk riddled with cracks, dearly love my mother and do no wish to hurt her back. Plz advise.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:32 AM on September 19, 2016 [20 favorites]


I personally find that a forgotten or lost potato chip discovered under the couch actually tastes better.

Artisanal couch-aged chips. Kinda like cave-aged cheese. You could retire on this idea.

Bacteria also found on counter, air, tester, food, and dinnerware. News at 11. Bacteria also found on news and clock.

One of the more educational science class moments I had in high school was when my biology class was split into groups to wander around the school leaving plates of agar jelly in various locations exposed to air, and then collecting them after an hour and placing them in an incubator for a couple of days.

Teenagers being what they are, we opted for the places with the gnarliest likely outcomes: under the bleachers in the gym and one of the locker rooms.

We didn't exactly analyze what grew in them, but we did get some gnarly-looking cultures going on.

We also had a biology teacher who licked a fresh plate of agar jelly and put it in the incubator then did a reveal to the class after it had cultured for a few days. Conclusion: the human mouth is a dirty, dirty place, my friends.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:32 AM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yeah, putting on legionnaire's is the worst.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:33 AM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


related: turns out stepping on a crack does NOT actually break your mother's back (turns out)
posted by entropicamericana at 11:33 AM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


ok but why are you eating fried chicken in a poop barn in the first place, what kind of terrible picnic is this.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on September 19, 2016 [22 favorites]


ok but why are you eating fried chicken in a poop barn in the first place, what kind of terrible picnic is this.

The same nightmarish one as envisioned in Stephen King's Stand By Me.
posted by Fizz at 11:36 AM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Any picnic with fried chicken is a good picnic. Check and mate.

Also the worst example I ever saw of this was when I witnessed a little kid "drawing" on the floor of the subway station for a good 30 seconds with his mom's Chapstick. When the mom noticed what he was doing she said "Give me that!" and then took the Chapstick and applied it to her lips.
posted by bondcliff at 11:37 AM on September 19, 2016 [18 favorites]


the human mouth is a dirty, dirty place, my friends.

Only if you're using it right, my friend. Only if you're using it right.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:37 AM on September 19, 2016 [27 favorites]


What if you drop it on your spouse, is still ok to eat?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:42 AM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]




Isn't this usually cross contamination of kitchen surfaces? Like, not cleaning something on which raw animal meat was chopped, etc.

Or the folks who take that the dirty, warm dish rag from the sink, or the kitchen towel that's been used for different stuff, thenwipe down counters, their hands, cutting boards, etc.

Consumer Food Handling Practices Lead to Cross Contamination (pdf)
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:47 AM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


What if I blow on it? That works, right??

I worked at a place where the Chef would get down on one knee and kiss it up to God, then put the dropped food back on a plate and serve it. I did not eat anything there that I did not cook myself.
posted by peeedro at 11:48 AM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


As a Catholic (technically) I get to bless it on top of the five second rule so it's a double safety sure way of killing all the germs and evil in one go. In your face science.
posted by billiebee at 11:52 AM on September 19, 2016 [6 favorites]


Didn't the Mythbusters figure out the same thing?

Mythbusters found it's not the time, it's how wet/dry the dropped food is, but even dry food will pick up some.
posted by T.D. Strange at 11:55 AM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


If you live with a dog that sheds a lot, you will stop following the 5 second rule by default, because it takes .2 seconds for a dropped piece of food on your floor to pick up 32 tiny dog hairs, even if you vacuum three times a week. Ask me how I know!
posted by lunasol at 11:56 AM on September 19, 2016 [19 favorites]


if i drop a piece of popcorn on the floor of my own home then i am going to eat it and no one can stop me. if i drop a spoonful of yogurt on the floor it gets wiped up. i assume everyone has a similar will eat/will not eat line that is clearly delineated in their heads.

The 5-second rules gives me 2 seconds to lament the disaster that has befallen my food stuff, 1 second to process whether this combination of food and floor will result in edible floor-food, and 2 seconds to reach down to retreive said floor-food.

I am highly skeptical that there exists a person in the world who believes that food that was fine after 4 seconds will become irredeemably contaminated at 6 seconds.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:57 AM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


If nobody saw you pick it up off the floor, none of the germs transfer over. [real]
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 11:57 AM on September 19, 2016 [16 favorites]


Also the worst example I ever saw of this was when I witnessed a little kid "drawing" on the floor of the subway station for a good 30 seconds with his mom's Chapstick. When the mom noticed what he was doing she said "Give me that!" and then took the Chapstick and applied it to her lips.

A friend of mine received a package of four assorted partially used tubes of lipbalm from her mother. It had a note that read:
These have sunscreen in them and I don't believe in sunscreen anymore. I used them to moisturize the my callouses. I thought you might like them.

Love mom

ps- I cut off the ends that touched my feet.
posted by peeedro at 11:59 AM on September 19, 2016 [53 favorites]


If nobody saw you pick it up off the floor, none of the germs transfer over. [real]

So many of the social and cultural transgressions I make in my life are based on this form of logic.
posted by Fizz at 11:59 AM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


There should be a dropped food hunger index along the lines of the old Bill Gates wealth index, where the length of time a morsel of food has been on the ground and is still considered edible is used as a means to measure a person's appetite.
posted by TedW at 12:09 PM on September 19, 2016


no matter how fast you pick up food that falls on the floor, you will pick up bacteria with it.

a physicist might regard that as a challenge
posted by indubitable at 12:09 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


Normal human skin is colonized by bacteria

i don't usually eat normal human skin though so i should be fine, right?
posted by poffin boffin at 12:15 PM on September 19, 2016 [6 favorites]


The history of the five-second rule is difficult to trace but it is attributed apocryphally to Genghis Khan, who declared that food could be on the ground for five hours and still be safe to eat...
I'm not going to argue with Genghis Kahn, so I'm going with the 5-hour rule.

Note- I did not grow up with a rule like this. I was probably in my 40's when I first heard it, so I don't feel strongly either way. I'm into situational behavior.
I'm not eating anything IN the garbage, but maybe if it's ABOVE the garbage...
posted by MtDewd at 12:26 PM on September 19, 2016


That's why you have to cook the skin.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:27 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


My understanding is that once it's dropped on the floor, eating it becomes a form of cleaning, and thus the calories don't count
posted by beerperson at 12:29 PM on September 19, 2016 [9 favorites]


I work in a hospital, and got some food at a meeting rather far away from where I eat food. Co workers were all encouraging in taking it out to the office, uncovered.
I kindly reminded them we work in the hospital, and if it isn't sealed in my walk though I ain't eating it.

People were uncomfortable with their free 3pm sandwiches that day.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:30 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


There should be a dropped food hunger index along the lines of the old Bill Gates wealth index, where the length of time a morsel of food has been on the ground and is still considered edible is used as a means to measure a person's appetite.

That's a real thing that's amusing while you're up in couch-cheeto territory, but loses its charm when you go past dumpster burgers and end up at obligatory E. coli river water.
posted by CaseyB at 12:32 PM on September 19, 2016


the filthy gross vile sidewalk that is right now at this moment covered in pee and poo and garbage juice and beer vom and DEATH ACTUAL DEATH

The Aristocracks!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:39 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


I kindly reminded them we work in the hospital, and if it isn't sealed in my walk though I ain't eating it.

Do you also not breathe while you're inside the hospital?
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:40 PM on September 19, 2016 [11 favorites]


I kindly reminded them we work in the hospital, and if it isn't sealed in my walk though I ain't eating it.

What? I work in a hospital too, and while I'm no longer in a building with sick people, I used to be, and pretty much every day I would walk with a tray full of food from the cafeteria (which was located in the basement right next to the morgue) back through several tunnels and elevators to my office.

I mean, there's no more risk of carrying uncovered food through a hospital than there is just walking around a hospital.
posted by bondcliff at 12:50 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Who? Who actually thinks their floors are clean enough to eat off? Who even thinks their floors are clean enough for anything other than not having their house condemned as a biohazard? Who are these people? I don't even think my kitchen is clean enough to prepare food in ten minutes after I've done the monthly deeply cleaning. I still cook in it and I still eat.
posted by crush-onastick at 12:54 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


If you live with a dog that sheds a lot, you will stop following the 5 second rule by default, because it takes .2 seconds for a dropped piece of food on your floor to pick up 32 tiny dog hairs, even if you vacuum three times a week.

The magnetic properties of dog hair are amazing and not well understood. That's also what keeps us from eating dropped things. Ask would be horrified at my house. Something left out on the stove? "That's only from yesterday, good to go!"
posted by bongo_x at 12:56 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Everything that hits my floor is immediately eaten by my dog, unless it's messy, in which case he picks it up, drops it, picks it up again, takes it to another room, drops it, noses it around for a while, picks it up again, takes it under the bed, licks it until it's good and mushy and is no longer in one contiguous piece, then walks away.

My dog works on a 437 second rule.
posted by phunniemee at 12:59 PM on September 19, 2016 [14 favorites]


per Nietzsche/Kanye, floor food makes you stronger.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:00 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


the filthy gross vile sidewalk that is right now at this moment covered in pee and poo and garbage juice and beer vom and DEATH ACTUAL DEATH

As a geologist I use my mouth a lot - I'll chew on a bit of shale to determine if it's silt or clay rich, for example. Or lick something to see if it's a fossil as fossil bone sticks to your tongue. Or just plain lick a rock to make the minerals shine a little bit to bring out their characteristics.

So one day. . . doing this volunteer thing at a museum where I would identify people's rocks for them, this kid came up with a rock and even though I had a little sponge and water basin there for the purpose of dabbing the rocks, when I picked it up, I started talking to his mom as a I looked at it, noticed what looked like a fossil cast of a leaf, and thus distracted without thinking about it, out of habit. . . . licked it.

There was a moment as my tongue started its upswing on that piece of rock, when my tongue was all flat on its surface that I had a life flash before my eyes. Not mine but the rock's: a perfect montage of its moments, especially it rolling along the museum floor as the little kid pretending it was a toy car or something and this shit making machine of a smaller human rubbing the rock over its drool-y t-shirt. I pictured the kid holding this rock in his car seat that he had thrown up in so many times.

Never have I so realized my entire body is actually a torus, as both my mouth and my sphincter attempted to meet each other in the middle of my body in an effort to hide in horrified disgust. Yet surprisingly at the same time my tongue tried its best to escape my mouth and air itself out - judging by the way it tried to leave, it was perhaps thinking of a hot locale down south on the equator where the UV rays would kill everything, including perhaps my tongue itself. And maybe I kind of screamed a little. And by a little I mean I yelled, "OHHHH NUTS AND BUTTS! GROSSSSSSSS!"

Anyway, I don't volunteer at rock ID stations anymore.
posted by barchan at 1:01 PM on September 19, 2016 [59 favorites]


i don't usually eat normal human skin though so i should be fine, right?

I am now wondering if poffin boffin usually eats abnormal human skin and, since I have often been identified as an abnormal human, whether I should be afeared.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:12 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also, barchan is a geoscience hero, my friends.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:14 PM on September 19, 2016 [5 favorites]


"Do you lick coprolites" is the question my brain won't let me not ask.
posted by phunniemee at 1:19 PM on September 19, 2016 [12 favorites]


I dunno, I have lived in some wonderful places that were, like, not clean. (An old building in Shanghai, for instance.) I always figure that while I am not immunocompromised, and while I am not coming into close contact with people who are immunocompromised, I am not going to worry too much about the baseline germiness of surfaces that get cleaned fairly regularly. I live with dudes, and not the super clean kind of dude either - our kitchen is only really clean if I clean it, and so I've accepted a certain level of meh in terms of surface sterility.
posted by Frowner at 1:21 PM on September 19, 2016


Back when we had a dog I don't believe food ever reached the floor before she ate it. Problem solved!
posted by blue_beetle at 1:29 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


"Do you lick coprolites" is the question my brain won't let me not ask.

I don't think I've ever had to, but I wouldn't mind. The feces have been totally replaced by minerals.

I mean, to me. . .the moral of the story is don't lick things that have been dropped on babies.
posted by barchan at 1:32 PM on September 19, 2016 [7 favorites]


Or, I guess, isn't a toddler worse than a floor?
posted by barchan at 1:34 PM on September 19, 2016 [7 favorites]


Depends on what kind of marinade you use.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:44 PM on September 19, 2016 [15 favorites]


CaseyB: "The interesting study would be in the overall health outcomes of people that do and do not pick up food off the floor."

I'm guessing this would skew based on "the kind of person who eats food off the floor" and "the kind of person who doesn't".

The latter probably also sorts socks, has never tasted a booger, refuses to fart, uses a paper towel to open a public restroom door, won't drink soda out of a can, etc.

Though I wouldn't know from personal experience.
posted by chavenet at 1:46 PM on September 19, 2016


Control-F "how you get ants"...
posted by Mchelly at 1:46 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


When asked, "Do you lick coprolites?"
Her eyes took on haunted highlights
But she said "Though it's icky,
It's not at all sticky,
And it provides some amazing insights!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:51 PM on September 19, 2016 [12 favorites]


So who do I trust? The American Society for Microbiology? Or the Mythbusters? Not even close, Mythbusters for the win. Eat that off of the floor American Society for Microbiology. If that is your real name.
posted by Splunge at 1:54 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Skin-Eaters and Stone-Lickers are the new binary psychological profiles for us to sort ourselves into
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:56 PM on September 19, 2016 [8 favorites]


WSJ--Get Your Children Good and Dirty
As if NYT readers don't hover over their children enough.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:57 PM on September 19, 2016


I'm also someone who won't chew gum in a restroom because germs.

It isn't logical.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:58 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


There's a post somewhere (here) about someone doing a radical attempt at replacing their internal and external bacteria (sequestered in a sanitized hotel room, poop pills and all), and actually reporting success with the new gut bacteria eliminating some digestion/food problems, and even changing their perceived/preferred taste sensations. Can't find the link, but it's out there somewhere...
New frontiers, so to speak.
posted by emmet at 1:59 PM on September 19, 2016


I always just figured that the "five second rule" was more a matter of "knowing the provenance of food you find on the floor". Like, hey, there's food there and it just dropped so we're good... as opposed to hey, there's food there and just a moment ago there were roaches and mice crawling on it...
posted by rmd1023 at 2:00 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


if I drop some fried chicken onto the floor of one of those barns where the cows are knee deep in their own poop I'd still pick it up and eat it.

Note to self: find acceptable reasons to decline dinner invitations from bondcliff.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2016 [5 favorites]


And you can't enforce the no-shoes rule 100% of the time, especially if you share your home with children.

I grew up in a zero percent shoes inside ever, yes even the children, household. AMA.
posted by phunniemee at 2:07 PM on September 19, 2016 [9 favorites]


I have totally eaten food off the sidewalk before. Food I dropped of course, not food I just found there randomly. I'm not a savage.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 2:10 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


I just burn my feet off in the Flame Pit when I get home, and walk around on my seared stumps as my unholy powers of Bodily Reconstitution restore the appendages. This cuts down on the germs I bring in. I insist guests do likewise, of course.

I never have any guests, but I can lick my floor with impunity.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:10 PM on September 19, 2016 [6 favorites]


Food I've dropped down my budge* is okay for way longer than 5 seconds, though.

* (my grandma's term for cleavage)
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:14 PM on September 19, 2016 [14 favorites]


With 3 dogs within inches of my feet anytime anything remotely edible is nearby, I need to fight to eat food off of the floor. I choose not to.

I did drop half of my just-made pizza dough on the floor yesterday and yelled enough that the dogs stood back (I killed their dreams but saved their digestive systems), but thew that immediately in the trash, because there's no way it wasn't full of fur and whatever fun floor bits embedded themselves in there. :'(
posted by Fig at 2:14 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


So correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there some kind of theory that we're attracted to and think people smell better who have different immune systems than we do?

Just something to think about for you non-floor picker-upper-eaters the next time you think somebody smells really good!
posted by barchan at 2:15 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


We have five dogs in the house. They inhabit the kitchen like it's their den. An added plus is that they are hounds and they slobber all over everything. I figure that if any fatal bacteria were going to get me they would've by now.
posted by blucevalo at 2:18 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


fun floor bits

If you like our Ranch Fun Floor Bits, you're gonna love them in Cheddar Jalapeno!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:26 PM on September 19, 2016 [9 favorites]


I have two cocker spaniels with lightening-fast reflexes who constantly scheme to knock any food out of my hands. I *wish* my food had a chance to hit the floor. I'm lucky that it makes it into my mouth.

(And even after I've eaten it, one of my dogs will climb up next to me and insist on sniffing my breath, I guess to enjoy my meal vicariously? Who the heck knows....)
posted by magstheaxe at 3:00 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


If you live with a dog that sheds a lot, you will stop following the 5 second rule by default, because it takes .2 seconds for a dropped piece of food on your floor to pick up 32 tiny dog hairs, even if you vacuum three times a week.

The dog will eat it before it ever hits the floor, so it's all moot.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:02 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Actually topical: please consider picking up Ed Yong's I Contain Multitudes: The Microbes Within Us and a Grander View of Life. I've just finished it and it is a wonderful, densely-researched but easy to read book.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:03 PM on September 19, 2016 [7 favorites]


It's not that the bacteria are fast, it's that the distance they have to go is so very, very, small...
posted by straight at 3:11 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


A college roommate dropped a piece of cheese on our trash can. He quickly made eye contact and began to talk. I cut him off with, "ZERO SECONDS! Zero seconds on the trash can, Andy!"
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:48 PM on September 19, 2016 [9 favorites]


A college roommate dropped a piece of cheese on our trash can. He quickly made eye contact and began to talk. I cut him off with, "ZERO SECONDS! Zero seconds on the trash can, Andy!"

Pretty sure you're living inside of a Seinfeld episode.
posted by Fizz at 3:52 PM on September 19, 2016 [5 favorites]


rmd1023: "I always just figured that the "five second rule" was more a matter of "knowing the provenance of food you find on the floor". Like, hey, there's food there and it just dropped so we're good"

The five second rule is there so that toddlers will eat say an apple that falls on the floor but won't eat random food and food-analogues (cat and dog poop specifically) they may come across in their travels.
posted by Mitheral at 3:55 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Pretty sure you're living inside of a Seinfeld episode.

So what you're saying is that dying from random bacteria is not actually the worst fate, right?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:07 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


Considering the state of all my floors, I have a "Five Inch Rule"... if something falls that close without being caught, it's totally contaminated.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


A college roommate dropped a piece of cheese on our trash can. He quickly made eye contact and began to talk. I cut him off with, "ZERO SECONDS! Zero seconds on the trash can, Andy!"

Pretty sure you're living inside of a Seinfeld episode.
posted by Fizz at 3:52 PM on September 19 [2 favorites +] [!]




I knew it, baby! Wait 'til I tell Jerry!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:20 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


aspersioncast weekly challenge: Find someone who was provably made ill by eating something they dropped on the floor.

Excluding the severely immuno-compromised, I'd be willing to bet that most people could eat a parfait right off the goddamn subway floor without ill effects. Human saliva is chock-full of antibacterials. You're probably more likely to get sick from the degreasers they (occasionally) clean it with.
posted by aspersioncast at 4:36 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


When asked, "Do you lick coprolites?"
Her eyes took on haunted highlights
But she said "Though it's icky,
It's not at all sticky,
And it provides some amazing insights!"


Am I the only one hearing this in Carl Kasell's voice?
posted by briank at 4:56 PM on September 19, 2016 [7 favorites]


My 7-year-old is hyper-literal and learned about the 5-second rule from a friend at school, and now counts "one Mississippi, two Mississippi" when he drops things on the floor. If he gets to it before 5, he eats it; if he gets to it after 5, he sadly throws it away. He gets VERY UPSET when we take away something he dropped because the floor is too dang dirty, because he totally got to that before five Mississippis, and that is the rule!

"As a geologist I use my mouth a lot - I'll chew on a bit of shale to determine if it's silt or clay rich, for example. Or lick something to see if it's a fossil as fossil bone sticks to your tongue. Or just plain lick a rock to make the minerals shine a little bit to bring out their characteristics. "

Fun home science activity, a glass pearl will feel smooth if you rub it on your teeth; a real pearl will feel CREEPILY GRITTY.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:40 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


Roughly 30 odd years ago my family was grilling some burgers down in the Keys. When my burger patty fell on the sand, I, of course, asked for another. My dad, to show me I was being overly cautious, picked it up, put it on a bun, and ate it. Having made only the barest effort to wipe off the sand.

I haven't been much bothered by floors, since.

Dad is still doing fine (for an old geezer).
posted by oddman at 5:58 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


More floor food for me then. Joke's on you, science.
My Gran used to refer to plated food placed on the floor, even if it was only for a moment as "floor food" and thus beyond the pale. Certainly not fit for consumption. I love/d my Gran, but she was clearly wrong on that one. Thanks for reminding me of the expression, MCMikeNamara.
posted by comealongpole at 6:47 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Roughly 30 odd years ago my family was grilling some burgers down in the Keys. When my burger patty fell on the sand, I, of course, asked for another. My dad, to show me I was being overly cautious, picked it up, put it on a bun, and ate it. Having made only the barest effort to wipe off the sand.

Your old man had grit!
posted by srboisvert at 8:02 PM on September 19, 2016 [12 favorites]


If you live with a dog that sheds a lot, you will stop following the 5 second rule by default, because it takes .2 seconds for a dropped piece of food on your floor to pick up 32 tiny dog hairs, even if you vacuum three times a week.

By that logic I shouldn't eat the random foodstuff I find in my beard. So argument rejected because found beard food is among the best food there is.
posted by srboisvert at 8:06 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


This seems like a good place to share Bum Hand.
posted by bendy at 9:34 PM on September 19, 2016


If you live with a dog that sheds a lot, you will stop following the 5 second rule by default, because it takes .2 seconds for a dropped piece of food on your floor to pick up 32 tiny dog hairs, even if you vacuum three times a week.

Sounds like it would save you time cleaning the house if you stopped vacuuming and started dropping food on the floor.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:42 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


unless you slip off your shoes immediately upon entering your home

of course i do, what am i, an animal

shoes-insiders are vile
posted by poffin boffin at 10:10 PM on September 19, 2016 [10 favorites]


I'm still in therapy from the time I saw a guy in a public toilet walk up to a urinal, accidentally drop his earbuds on the floor, and pick them up and put them in his ears. You have pee in your ears! That's one of the worst places for pee to be!
posted by um at 10:11 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


You have pee in your ears! That's one of the worst places for pee to be!

Can we please stop the shaming? Or is this just really awkward sexy talk?
posted by bongo_x at 10:40 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


MetaFilter: CREEPILY GRITTY
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:41 AM on September 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


If you live with a dog that sheds a lot, you will stop following the 5 second rule by default, because it takes .2 seconds for a dropped piece of food on your floor to pick up 32 tiny dog hairs, even if you vacuum three times a week.

I've seen cat hair inside an unpeeled banana.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:01 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]


Arbitrary rule is arbitrary! Shocking!

But I want to know about the "Other Table" rule. If I'm in a restaurant and the guys at the nearby table leave without finishing over 50% of their meal, am I allowed to eat it? Can I eat around their bites? Use a different straw? Do I be discrete and pretend I was with them the whole time? Just sack up and gobble the whole thing? Do I take it as a warning that it was terrible, or do they just have too much money to care about waste? If that's the case, what are they doing eating at Burger King in the first place? And why are they friends with me?
posted by mr_book at 4:29 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


You have pee in your ears! That's one of the worst places for pee to be!

Can we please stop the shaming? Or is this just really awkward sexy talk?


On a side note, I've watched people pay to have others pee on them. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That was me.

What's the big deal, guys? Humans aren't special. We're disgusting, upright pig-creatures used by Space Jesus to breed a global, bacterial megastructure. Own it! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my Transmetropolitan and McCormick vodka.

"Drink McCormick-Brand Liquors! For people who don't care what they're drinking, just so long as they are!" -graffiti written in the women's room of the local church basement where i'm not allowed to go to meetings anymore because of "the incident."
posted by mr_book at 4:38 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


Your old man had grit!

My parents taught me that that particular kind of grit is called "camper's privilege".

The trick is to chew with less jaw pressure. Let the grit do the work.
posted by flabdablet at 4:50 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


I've seen cat hair inside an unpeeled banana.

All that foulness will be lost in slime, like... smears... in drain.

Time for pie.
posted by flabdablet at 5:30 AM on September 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


There's a post somewhere (here) about someone doing a radical attempt at replacing their internal and external bacteria (sequestered in a sanitized hotel room, poop pills and all), and actually reporting success with the new gut bacteria eliminating some digestion/food problems, and even changing their perceived/preferred taste sensations. Can't find the link, but it's out there somewhere...

New frontiers, so to speak.


Wasn't that the Soylent guy, who did all sorts of strange body hacks and life hacks?

Hmm, perhaps not. Anyway, I'm sure he has a complex, optimal algorithm to determine how long a droplet of Soylent can remain on your floor before becoming contaminated...
posted by theorique at 5:44 AM on September 20, 2016


I solve the whole cleanliness question of counters versus floors by living with Beatrix T. Cattenborough (yes, she will accept your friend request). There is not a single surface in our home that hasn't been touched by ginger tabby feet.
posted by slkinsey at 6:02 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: Disgusting, upright pig-creatures used by Space Jesus to breed a global, bacterial megastructure.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:17 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]


Since the Five Second Rule is manifestly a joke, a funny remark to laugh off your own clumsiness, the subtext being "I'm willing to eat this even though it was just on the floor, silly me," my question is this. If I'm surprised and dismayed to find experts debating this as if it were a Real Thing in the World, is it they who have lost their sense of humor, or is it me?
posted by Flexagon at 6:51 AM on September 20, 2016


The five-second rule may be a joke, but I'm confident that scientists are researching real issues that directly affect us. Any day now, they'll discover the exact process in which calories leak out of broken cookies.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:35 AM on September 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


see also: drinks you don't pay for don't count
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:48 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


Gotta eat a peck of dirt before you die

Not a scientist, me, but what sprang to my mind was that this sounds like a last minute OMG the science project is due Monday and it's now Sunday and I haven't done a thing I am so dead, DAD! What can I do? Heavy sigh. Off to Home Depot for some floor samples and the Food Clown for some food bits and Hobby Shop for some petri dishes and hope for the best.

No doubt I do the good people of Rutgers an injustice.
posted by IndigoJones at 8:01 AM on September 20, 2016


If nobody saw you pick it up off the floor, none of the germs transfer over.

Ah yes, from the same school of thought as "if the cookie is broken, it has no calories, because they all fell out".
posted by ArgentCorvid at 8:09 AM on September 20, 2016


oddman's father reminded me of this David Sedaris piece which had me crying from laughing
posted by olopua at 8:10 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]


There is not a single surface in our home that hasn't been touched by ginger tabby feet.

We call that "poop foot", as in "get your poop foot out of my drink!"

The trick is to chew with less jaw pressure. Let the grit do the work.

Yeah, you don't want to bring you teeth all the way together with force. It's a skill, like anything else.
posted by bongo_x at 10:18 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]


Sticky food = 0 second rule
Dry food = eh, whatever.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:01 PM on September 20, 2016


Sticky food = 0 second rule
Dry food = eh, whatever.


I don't know, I've hesitated on certain sticky foods sometimes. I mean what about a pizza slice that falls cheese-side down? It's a kind of morally grey area. Pizza has a dry and a sticky part.
posted by Fizz at 3:48 PM on September 20, 2016


What kind of a monster let's pizza fall on the floor? A sweaty stick of old dynamite, sure. It's not like you're going to be the one to pick it up. But pizza? Have some priorities!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:06 PM on September 20, 2016


So what's the consensus on this pizza?
posted by Splunge at 10:22 AM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I had no problem living under the 5-second rule until I adopted a Siberian Husky. Bacteria is one thing, but a mouthful of hair is a whole 'nother thing.
posted by sixpack at 10:50 AM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Splunge, that pizza has gone to a better place where no person will ever eat it *pours one out, gets down on knees and licks it up*
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:51 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


That pizza was either way under cooked, or had a terrible crust recipe to begin with. Either way, the floor was too good for it.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:22 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


So what's the consensus on this pizza?

Hm. Wall pizza is kinda the quantum physics of "can I eat it?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:40 PM on September 22, 2016


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