EXPECTO PATRONUM!

September 22, 2016 9:51 AM

JK Rowling is pleased to announce that as of today you can officially discover your patronus by taking a special quiz* on the official Harry Potter website, Pottermore! For many fans, this experience is a dream come true, but for others, the potential symbolism behind the animal they've conjured isn't quite the right fit.

What will your happiest thought produce?

*As with the other sorting ceremonies on Pottermore, you will need an account to acquire your highly scientific results.
posted by Hermione Granger (232 comments total)

Is it JK Rowling Day?
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:54 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Rowling shared the form of her patronus on Twitter this morning and revealed that hers has changed a few times since the she last took the quiz a few months ago.

She recommends correlating your results with that of your friends and fellows from your house at Hogwarts to determine if you share a patronus with anyone else, a process that could unite or divide depending on the type of animal each of you casts.

If you are dissatisfied with your results, you can always create an additional Pottermore account and do the quiz all over again to see which patronus you get the second (or third) time around.

The Ministry of Magic asserts that though this methodology isn't condoned by Ms. Rowling or her associates, they have no way of determining whether a witch or wizard has taken the test twice, so they have agreed to look the other way in the event that such a choice is made.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:55 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

I love this!

My patronus is a calico cat.
posted by ilovewinter at 9:56 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Basset Hound? What kind of bullshit is that? MINE IS OBVIOUSLY A CHIMPANZEE WEARING A HAT AND BOWTIE.
posted by The Man from Lardfork at 9:58 AM on September 22, 2016 [11 favorites]

Already so mad I got a horse, a fucking horse, that I am thinking of signing up and rerolling. "Horse medicine is full of gentle healing" and BULLSHIT. Ugh, a horse.
posted by maryr at 9:59 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

MINE IS OBVIOUSLY A CHIMPANZEE WEARING A HAT AND BOWTIE.

Funny; that was the form of my boggart.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:59 AM on September 22, 2016 [13 favorites]

It's an old grey mare too.
posted by maryr at 9:59 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm an orca! I've always, ever since I was introduced to the concept at age 9, imagined my patronus to be a rabbit.

Already so mad I got a horse, a fucking horse, that I am thinking of signing up and rerolling. "Horse medicine is full of gentle healing" and BULLSHIT. Ugh, a horse.

I think that's Ginny's patronus, so at least you share it with a major character (admittedly, a polarizing one).
posted by armadillo1224 at 10:00 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

My patronus is platinum-selling recording artist Lionel Richie? Weird.
posted by selfnoise at 10:00 AM on September 22, 2016 [26 favorites]

If it isn't my chubby slightly overgrooming, definitely occasionally farty calico cat, this test will be bullshit.
posted by Kitteh at 10:00 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Already so mad I got a horse, a fucking horse, that I am thinking of signing up and rerolling. "Horse medicine is full of gentle healing" and BULLSHIT. Ugh, a horse.

UGH I KNOW. I didn't give my e-mail address to them just to be a fucking horse this is bullshit.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:01 AM on September 22, 2016 [11 favorites]

The first word in the horse symbolism description is "Dance" THEY DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!
posted by maryr at 10:02 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm just going to end up in Hufflepuff. Yes I realize that's not what the quiz does, but it's putting me in HufflePuff with Patronus of Eeyore.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:04 AM on September 22, 2016 [9 favorites]

my patronus is a fucking rat what is this blatant pro pettigrew propaganda (╯°□°)╯︵ 🐀
posted by phunniemee at 10:05 AM on September 22, 2016 [19 favorites]

On lack of preview I guess I should be glad I'm not a horse.
posted by phunniemee at 10:06 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Is pangolin a possible outcome? Because they're pretty nifty
posted by aubilenon at 10:07 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Mine's a dolphin. I'll buy that.
posted by saulgoodman at 10:08 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh hey, the rat landed on all fours!
posted by maryr at 10:08 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Login or Join.

Patronus non futurum.
posted by Splunge at 10:09 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Heading up the news tonight, a poorly considered promotional stunt made the entire internet unhappy...
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:10 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

While I totally resent being a "wild rabbit" (a fuck, what now? A RABBIT?? Oh well, as Terry Pratchett would say, it has its ups and downs) I have to admit that's a pretty nifty piece of web design.... I can tell someone's patronus is a very large bag of money.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 10:11 AM on September 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

I got a garbage can. :( :( :(
posted by boo_radley at 10:12 AM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

If you don't take the quiz, you can continue to believe your "patronus" is whatever you want it to be. Imagination rocks.

(Though, not taking the quiz now that there is one means that what you imagine simultaneously is and is not your patronus--Schrödinger's Patronus!)
posted by MrGuilt at 10:13 AM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

What will your happiest thought produce?

Endorphins and smiles, usually.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Pepsi Potter Blue
posted by neroli at 10:14 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got an Aardvark..
posted by INFJ at 10:14 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

1. How much crap email will I get if I join the site?
2. Will I even understand the questions if I haven't read the books/seen the movies?
posted by AFABulous at 10:15 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

The questions are all personality driven, nothing about the books.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:16 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

why doesn't it recognize my old login
posted by poffin boffin at 10:16 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Mandrill in a tux swinging a nail-bat?! Man, I pity those Dementors.
posted by Lighthammer at 10:17 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Mine is a Mountain Hare. Which is seriously badass. This is the best quiz ever in a million years forever and forever.


On preview: Fuck, I want an Aardvark patronus. This quiz sucks.
posted by mayonnaises at 10:17 AM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

poffin boffin, the site was completely rebuilt earlier this year. you gotta create a new account to get re-sorted, etc.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:19 AM on September 22, 2016

AFABulous, there aren't really questions. Just choices between words. Mostly three options, sometimes two. Usually tangibly related.

Sun, Wind, or Rain
Blood or Bone
(I forget...)
Stone, (something), Earth
posted by INFJ at 10:19 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh hey, the rat landed on all fours!

Hey, a rat would make for a pretty clever and powerful patronus... No shame in being a rat.

2. Will I even understand the questions if I haven't read the books/seen the movies?

There aren't really any questions. It's one of those quickly make a choice by free association to reveal your true self type deals. You just have to quickly pick a word from a list. If you're like me, you might find the loading times for the fancy graphics more annoying than captivating.
posted by saulgoodman at 10:20 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Squirrel people tend to be organized, thrifty, prepared for anything, slightly obsessive. Squirrel medicine teaches the benefit of good planning, looking towards the future, and conservation. The squirrel is a symbol of delayed gratification, resourcefulness, agility, and foresight."

Look, just because I FINALLY organized some shelving in my office last week DOESN'T mean you can shove a do-gooder rat with a permed tail at me as a patronus. Have you MET me? Have you BEEN to my place? (If so, can you please tell me where some very important papers and my old iPhone are? Still can't find them.)
posted by maudlin at 10:21 AM on September 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

Something is going to emerge from my wand? Isn't this a children's book series?
posted by AFABulous at 10:23 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Skunk? Thanks, Obama.
posted by procrastination at 10:26 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I didn't get an otter.

DID YOU HEAR ME I DIDN'T GET AN OTTER.

This is a bullshit quiz and I hate it and everything about everything.

I got Nebelung Cat which is a pretty awesome name and the cats themselves are gorgeous but WTF NO OTTER THIS IS BULLSHIT
posted by cooker girl at 10:27 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

I got a rock. -- Charlie Brown
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 10:28 AM on September 22, 2016 [17 favorites]

A weasel??? You're kidding me, right? Weren't they the thinly veiled racist allegory in Redwall?
posted by Diagonalize at 10:28 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

sweet, mine is bulbasaur
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:29 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

RED SQUIRREL

FUCK THIS COMPLETELY

I'm having a hard time imagining an animal I'm less like than a squirrel. I guess maybe like a squirrel who's also way into Jeff Dunham's comedy.
posted by penduluum at 10:30 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

A weasel??? You're kidding me, right?

Maybe it will gnaw on the beaks of your enemies.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm a Ravenclaw and a dapple grey mare (she ain't what she used to be)? Man. Fuck a whole lot of that, everyone knows I'm a Hufflepuff and also not a fucking horse okay
posted by palomar at 10:33 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was a hat-stall, so I took the quiz on both my Ravenclaw and Gryffindor profiles. *cough*aka I cheated*cough*

As a Ravenclaw, I cast a Badger. As a Gryffindor, I cast a Fox. I am very pleased with both, though I am slightly chagrined that I did not get a Sphynx Cat because I am very much a grumpy, wrinkly grey creature and for Pottermore not to realize that is very strange.

Mugglenet is compiling a list of all known patronus forms so far so we can all get even grumpier re: the patronus chosen for us by science and chance.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:34 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

I love how no one here is happy with their patronus. And not just me.

Maybe we should go to Svalbard and use a strong anbaric force to sever them from our bodies!!

oh wait, this might be from another fantasy novel series..
posted by bigendian at 10:34 AM on September 22, 2016 [15 favorites]

In retrospect, it would have been best for this quiz to have come out last night, seeing as so many of the choices resemble Earth, Wind, and Fire lyrics...
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:35 AM on September 22, 2016

wtf why are so many of you getting horses

is metafilter secretly an equine herd

i am v. perplexed rn
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:36 AM on September 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

OH FUCK IT'S AZATHOTH

UNSUMMON UNSUMMON UNSU...
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:36 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

wtf why are so many of you getting horses

don't act like you don't know
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:38 AM on September 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

I guess a Nebelung Cat is better than a dragonfly?

I'm going to pout about not getting an otter ALL FREAKING DAY.
posted by cooker girl at 10:38 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also why the hell does everyone else get descriptions of their patronuses (patroni? patronium?) but I never saw one for my stupid cat?
posted by cooker girl at 10:40 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Goshawk? Que es?
posted by doctor_negative at 10:40 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Was hoping for mantis shrimp. Disappointed.
posted by mrgoat at 10:41 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Dolphin! I approve!
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 10:41 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a hedgehog, which seems reasonable.

Bu hedgehog also defies description (in that there's no blurb for it), so there
posted by dinty_moore at 10:42 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

King Cobra.

What the actual fuck.


I'm the orca-iest Ravenclaw ever to walk the earth, and I get a goddamn hell-spawn snake?

Ugh.



(Also, where are y'all finding the little personality descriptors to go with your patronuses? Mine just says "King Cobra" and slithers about, laughing at me as if to say "Fuck you, forked creature. You don't even get the frisson of reading clever little paragraphs about how smart and wily and whatever other totally true and not at all made up shit you are")
posted by Dorinda at 10:42 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Look, I can 100% understand why my Patronus would be a calico cat.

...but I'm a dog person :<
posted by Panthalassa at 10:43 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Brb looking up cute videos my patronus on YouTube
posted by dinty_moore at 10:44 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Look at this page for some of the descriptions that people have been using in conjunction with their results!

the site might want to consider appending "grumpy" to all the entries, tho
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:46 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Man Irish Wolfhound? what the hell is this? I always figured a turtle or a cow.
posted by Carillon at 10:51 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got noted character actor M. Emmet Walsh.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:55 AM on September 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

I'm a rat.

Also, jesus people, no one with the eponysterical?
posted by Sophie1 at 10:55 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

My patronus is a box of donuts? Unexpected but not unwelcome.
posted by GuyZero at 10:55 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Man, if I had invested years into my Pottermore account/persona and ended up with a mongrel dog or shrew or whatever, I'd be pissed. You'd think the Potter folks would recognize the power of headcannon and give a few hints so people could slide where they wanted.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:56 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

My patronus is a husky. I am very happy. Beware the trademark Husky howling and happy frolicking, Dementors!
posted by mixedmetaphors at 10:58 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Dolphin.

Hailing from South Florida, I know that this means my Patronus will have one year where it's an unconquerable beast. However, forever after that it will look strong from August to October and fade into insignificance once November arrives.
posted by lord_wolf at 11:00 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a Mastiff, and from the disjointed way it runs around the screen, I think it might be Scooby Doo himself (or one of his relatives).
posted by rollick at 11:00 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I also got sorted into Slytherin, which I guess makes me Daphne? Fred being Gryffindor and Velma painfully Ravenclaw.
posted by rollick at 11:02 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

ten million species of animal on this planet, many of them badass, and they use three or four word-association questions to assign you some underwhelming and tellingly anglocentric domesticated mammal

like, fuck, would I have gotten a sick af gulper eel if I'd just picked "trust" over "hope?" I'll never know
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:04 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I got a blackbird. I am the very model of a bog-standard Ravenclaw.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:05 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

My Patronus is an 80's pop band.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:05 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Argh, now I'm confused. Was I supposed to use the happiest memory I was prompted for as a basis for choosing the adjectives? Or was the happiest memory just to put me in a happy frame of mind, and I was supposed to pick the adjectives based on self-assessment?
posted by Panthalassa at 11:09 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah ok I just took the sorting quiz. Gryffindor. I am a Gryffindor rat.

I am become Scabbers.
posted by phunniemee at 11:10 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Apparently my old account no longer works so I had to re-join. My patronus is a Siberian Cat, which is a "shrug" for me - yes, it's cute, cats are awesome; nothing about that jumps out as me.

I did write down my questions/word choices:
Leaf - Blade - Thorn
Blood - Bone
Think - Feel - Sense (Skipped; I was trying to type and this one moved on- much better to choose and then type; there's time between the choices.)
Over - Under - Around
Speak - Silent
Comfort - Advise - Impress
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 11:11 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got otter and am delighted. Edited to add: Gryffindor.
posted by odayoday at 11:11 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Hey, a wolf. How about that. I don't feel like a wolf.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:13 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got otter and am delighted.
posted by odayoday at 2:11 PM on September 22 [1 favorite +] [!]

We are now mortal enemies.
posted by cooker girl at 11:13 AM on September 22, 2016 [9 favorites]

also apparently I am a Slytherin so, watch out for me, I guess
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:16 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

cooker girl, would it help if I told you that you can find descriptions of your patronus in the last link in the post?
posted by odayoday at 11:16 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Mine is a St. Bernard who looks nothing like a St. Bernard. I would love to have a horse instead! I have never before considered what my patronus would be, but I always thought that I was Ravenclaw. However, the site tells me that I am a Gryffindor, which is crazy pants.

Nifty, albeit very busy, site design though.
posted by ashirys at 11:18 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

My patronus is a crow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by ChuraChura at 11:21 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

This is what got me to finally sign up for pottermore and turns out my patronus is a badger, which is a trip, because then I took the sorting hat thing and got Ravenclaw, lolololololololol, my patronus is literally the emblem of a different house.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 11:22 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Joe Pesci! I win!
posted by whuppy at 11:22 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I did write down my questions/word choices:


Whoa, I didn't realize we didn't all get the same choices. The only ones in your list that I got were Blood/Bone and Think/ Feel/ Sense.
posted by AFABulous at 11:23 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a Newfoundland! I am more of a tiny fluffy dog person (or a cat person), I think, but a smart and friendly and bigass and clumsy-looking dog is ok too.
posted by leesh at 11:24 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I mean, as far as patroni go crows aren't very useful. But they're great animals, so it's OK!
posted by ChuraChura at 11:24 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got the Nebelung Cat. Which delights me to no end, as it bears an excellent resemblance to my now-passed, still beloved little grey cat Lucy, right down to the green eyes.

I like the idea that Lucy is still watching over me in some fashion.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 11:26 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a Newfoundland!

oh my god I briefly thought we could get provinces and was devastated not to be a Saskatchewan
posted by everybody had matching towels at 11:27 AM on September 22, 2016 [14 favorites]

I'm annoyed that I can't copy/paste from the meanings page, but the Owl description is dead on for me.
posted by AFABulous at 11:28 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

ten million species of animal on this planet, many of them badass

The vast majority of animal species on Earth are insects, which is still true even if you include all the magical creatures ever described in fiction. Badassery is of course subjective, but I estimate to the non-entomologist, 90% of insect species are boring* and/or gross.

* no, shut up. I meant uninteresting.
posted by aubilenon at 11:29 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm some kind of dark wizard because mine is a Runespoor. Are there dark wizards from Hufflepuff ?
posted by Pendragon at 11:29 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Tapeworm. Figures.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:31 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

It turns out my patronus is INTJ. Or maybe I just set my internet browser back a decade.
posted by demiurge at 11:31 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

My "unusual" patronus is a Raven, but my jokey smartass patronus is a food-safety pamphlet. I'm not sure which I like better.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 11:31 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a rock.
posted by amtho at 11:34 AM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

i got a pupper frand so obvsly this is the most accurate
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

white stallion! I am the fucking stallion... mang
...wait are these all ween themed?
posted by thetruthisjustalie at 11:35 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Siberian Cat.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:35 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

My patronus has a first name.
posted by rollick at 11:39 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

sea cucumber? wtf
posted by synthetik at 11:41 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a Beagle. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
posted by aclevername at 11:43 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

No this is NONSENSE I used to be a Hufflepuff which is true and now I am a Gryffindor which literally everyone who has ever met me knows is NOT TRUE. And now my alleged Patronus is a stupid ragdoll cat so no this brief quiz about a fictional concept does not work
posted by threetwentytwo at 11:44 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I don't need to take this test because I already know the answer.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:45 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm annoyed that I can't copy/paste from the meanings page,

Right-click, view page source, select all, copy, paste into Word. Not exactly simple, but fairly quick once you've done it a few times. (I have done this a lot. Right-click-block is an incredibly stupid security measure; it convinces me to save out content that I otherwise would've just bookmarked.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 11:46 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

cooker girl, would it help if I told you that you can find descriptions of your patronus in the last link in the post?

No because in fact, the description of the Nebelung Cat is NOT in that link and now I'm even MORE pouty.
posted by cooker girl at 11:47 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a wild boar, which I was super unhappy about until I read the description:

"Power, independence, strength of will and body. A wild boar totem can teach self confidence, self reliance, and avoidance of unnecessary conflict. Boar people tend to be aloof, stubborn, and intimidating but are sensitive, intelligent, and loyal at their core. Boar medicine can teach us to be successful through hard work, vigilance, and fortitude."

But really 90% of the time I'm wallowing in puddles of various descriptions, so I guess Wild Boar isn't far off after all.
posted by stolyarova at 11:47 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a wolf. I'm happy with that.

And I guess with all the horses and rats and birds and what not I will eat well?
posted by Wolfster at 11:47 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

White Swan. Eh. I was hoping for meerkat. sigh.

[my true patronus is and always will be a french fry]
posted by Mchelly at 11:48 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yeah, not pleased here. Red squirrel what? And I used to be a Ravenclaw and now am a Gryffindor what? All wrong, all wrong wrong wrong.
posted by devinemissk at 11:48 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wait is sea cucumber a legit result because if it is I want it
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:49 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

The first rule of Patronus Fight Club is
posted by whuppy at 11:50 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Aha! Second attempt, I got a kleinsteradikaleminderheit! What are the odds?

But about this rabbit crap:

Self-sacrifice, humility, family. Rabbit-people tend to be soft-spoken and non-assertive. [...] strongly tied to the circle of life, fertility, death, and resurrection [...] also a symbol of luck, health, and clear-sightedness.

Is more or less the thing you would write if you tried to describe the opposite of me... Oh hey except for this: I'm also a rabbit on those Chinese restaurant placemats! Coincidence? I don't think so.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 11:58 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Team Wild Boar! I would have been more impressed if the ghostly boar came across as something like this instead of a tiny little piggy.
posted by thecjm at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

but I estimate to the non-entomologist, 90% of insect species are boring* and/or gross.

yeah well I hope those people get silverfish as their patronuses to punish them for their lack of curiosity about how fucking awesome insects and other arthropods are
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

My Patronus is an 80's pop band.

You got a flock of seagulls?
posted by maryr at 12:04 PM on September 22, 2016 [9 favorites]

My Patronus is a fox terrier. At first I wondered "huh??" -- but then I looked up characteristics of fox terriers. Now I think it's a pretty fantastic choice as a Patronus.
posted by Annabelle74 at 12:05 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Already so mad I got a horse, a fucking horse, that I am thinking of signing up and rerolling. "Horse medicine is full of gentle healing" and BULLSHIT. Ugh, a horse.


Right there with ya, buddy. The "chestnut" part of it only adds to the bullshitiness of it.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 12:08 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Out of curiousity, did you get a mare or a stallion? I got a mare and identify as female, but I don't the site asked me that anywhere.

A bullshit grey mare, but gender appropriate. And probably related to the fact that my first word choice was "GLITTER" which any of you who have met me will affirm is extremely accurate.
posted by maryr at 12:09 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm a polar bear! Rawr!
posted by mochapickle at 12:11 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

J.K. Rowling: I've been asked to make it clear that Harambe is not a Patronus you can actually get on @pottermore. The previous RT is a joke. As you were.
posted by straight at 12:12 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

My patronus is a capybara and I will not let some silly internet quiz tell me otherwise.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some lounging to do.
posted by ckape at 12:13 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

my first word choice was "GLITTER" which any of you who have met me will affirm is extremely accurate.

WHAT! Glitter was not a word option for me, which is NOT RIGHT, "glitter" is the word that is MOST me, now I am angry at my results! I have glitter glasses for goodness sake! I will jsut have to imagine my patronus dog has a glitter collar.
posted by leesh at 12:13 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a Steller's Sea Cow.

(Honestly, I just refuse to sign up for the site in the first place.)
posted by Hactar at 12:13 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

All of you moaning about red squirrels, you do know that it refers to the noble freedom-fighting BRITISH squirrel? Not the murderous invader grey bastards?
posted by threetwentytwo at 12:16 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

So are they all considered "unusual"? I don't see my Snowy Owl on the list of meanings.
posted by straight at 12:17 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Dapple Grey Mare here. You can add me to the naysayers of Horseville.
posted by Iridic at 12:27 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

I don't see David Lee Roth anywhere on the list, so this test is clearly not for me.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 12:27 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Salmon.

I was mad at first, but I have been known to swim upstream.
posted by sparklemotion at 12:27 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

OWL and CAT are definitely on the list of meanings.
posted by maryr at 12:33 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hopefully mine is a Binturong because they smell like popcorn.
posted by soelo at 12:34 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

White Swan. Meh. I guess swans are kind of big jerks but I don't see them fending off evil incarnate.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 12:35 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

What?!? Where is the LEMUR?
posted by Walleye at 12:36 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

It said mine was unusual, and I received no description... HYENA! AT least its a feminist animal, lol.
posted by CPAGirl at 12:37 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm an adder. 🐍

(And already sorted into Ravenclaw.)
posted by halcyonday at 12:45 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Orangutan. Am I the only MeFi orangutan?
posted by droplet at 12:45 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Slitherin apparently.
And a Swallow. I can totally live with that.

Also, I will let you know that we slitherin are cranky because we live in a dungeon with no natural light in our formative years. F*** Hogwarts architects.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 12:48 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I wonder if the algorithm responsible for the answers takes your house into account if you've already been sorted. Did any of you get your patronus before getting your house?
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:58 PM on September 22, 2016

yeah i don't think i linked it to my old account before taking the quiz? but tbh i don't remember bc the quiz was so long and slow
posted by poffin boffin at 1:00 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I did patronus then house.
posted by odayoday at 1:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also, can anyone tell what's powering the quiz? I kind of what to see what the source code is to see how answers are generated. I'm on mobile otherwise I'd look.
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:02 PM on September 22, 2016

It says my patronus is a beagle, but I'm pretty sure they meant to say dingoBeagle.
posted by DingoMutt at 1:03 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Patronus then house: Tonkinese cat/Hufflepuff
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 1:05 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wolf. Huh. Did not see that coming, but that's cool with me. I don't get the horse hate at all, I would have been delighted with that.

I got sorted into Ravenclaw, but I am actually total crap at riddles (which is how Ravenclaws are permitted entry into their dormitory), so I'd need to get someone to let me in each night or have to sleep in the hallway.
posted by anderjen at 1:05 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Omfg I am at a Starbucks in the middle of god knows where and there are a bunch of tweenagers around me taking the quiz and I kid you not

three of these children got horses

THREE

And not one of them is pleased

What do you all have against horses

I do not understand
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:07 PM on September 22, 2016 [13 favorites]

House first: Gryffindor

Patronus: YOU ALL KNOW WHAT IT SHOULD BE
posted by cooker girl at 1:08 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

An ocicat? There are any number of dog breeds and freaking POLAR BEARS and I got OCICAT?
posted by synecdoche at 1:12 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

So nobody got the Runespoor ?
posted by Pendragon at 1:23 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Really, my patronus ought to be David Bowie, preferably circa 75- Diamond Dogs/ Station to Station era.

But nope, Hufflepuff Pukwudgie Osprey. Apparently I'm the most harmless thing ever in the magicking world.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 1:23 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Mine is an armadildo
posted by dov3 at 1:28 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

tbh i want mine to be a swarm of furious hornets
posted by poffin boffin at 1:28 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

as i feel this most accurately represents my inner nature
posted by poffin boffin at 1:29 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Mine is a small baggie of mismatched googly eyes, which doesn't scare off dementors so much as confuse them a little bit.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 1:34 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

bee tee dubs that list of definitions or whatever I linked to in the original post is apparently 3 months old. as such it is nowhere near complete so if you're wondering why you can't find a description of your patronus, that's why

please feel free to submit custom descriptions of your patronus animal in hopes that the resulting flurry of messages prompts the page owners to update asap
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:36 PM on September 22, 2016

You guys you guys you guys

All of you neigh-sayers disappointed with your pony patronuses

Remember

Ponies

Can do

the PRONKING
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:42 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

I got a brown hare (and I am ravenclaw). I am relatively pleased--it is unassuming but cute. I would like an official list of all of them and their "traits" to peruse through, though.
posted by that girl at 1:54 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Look, I can 100% understand why my Patronus would be a calico cat.

...but I'm a dog person :<> >

My patronus was a fricking ROTTWEILER!!

I wanted a Tuxedo cat :(
posted by JenThePro at 1:58 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a marsh harrier.
posted by astapasta24 at 2:18 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Could do worse than "ginger cat", but was hoping for a sloth. (Logging in reminded me that I was sorted into Slytherin by the Sorting Hat, which reminded me of why I haven't logged into Pottermore for a while.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:42 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

im a fucking loathsome basset hound.
posted by PinkMoose at 2:42 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Mine is a shrew.

I am just as dissatisfied with this as everyone else is with theirs.

However, I had to re-sort myself and I'm still a Hufflepuff, so there is some justice in the world.
posted by JustKeepSwimming at 2:47 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

If mine is not a Pibble, I'm gonna be pissed.
posted by MissySedai at 2:48 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't get the horse hate at all, I would have been delighted with that.

Look, there are two kinds of people, the ones who find horses majestic noble beasts and the ones who do not care to be stepped on, thank you. Pronking or not, I am not a horse person (which is different from a centaur and all I can say is my god, thank Rowling my patronus was not a fucking centaur. Yikes.) and I would have preferred many many things on the list, like a chipmunk or a genet or a flatworm.
posted by maryr at 2:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got an unusual one too: great grey owl. No specific description. And hard to snap a shot of too, as the little fucker kept flying behind trees.
posted by heyho at 2:59 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I guess I'm also pretty grateful my patronus isn't a salmon.
posted by maryr at 2:59 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a dumb ol' swallow as my patronus and then was sorted into bloody Ravenclaw.

HUFFLEPUFFS CAN BE SMART TOO, YOU KNOW.
posted by elsietheeel at 3:03 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Hedgehog!!!!

(I am ridiculously excited about this.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:11 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

What actually is a shrew?!??!?!?!?! So cool.
posted by soakimbo at 3:14 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeast. Cool. Expecto beer.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:21 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

I got a swift.

Is there a page where the meaning is explained? The site is very hard to navigate.
posted by tel3path at 3:38 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Fire-dwelling salamander, which hasn't shown up in this thread yet so yay I can contribute.
posted by solarion at 3:56 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I also got a swift, which I was appalled by at first, but they are one of the fastest animals on earth so okay!
And I got resorted into Hufflepuff, even though I've been solid Ravenclaw since time began so I don't know what's going on. Getting softer with age, I guess.
posted by weeyin at 3:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

mine is a hedgehog, which at first i was confused by but then i realized i truly admire the hedgehog's commitment to being prickly so i guess it's fitting
posted by burgerrr at 3:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

kind of mad i didn't get my own cat flora as my patronus but that was probably a little too much to ask for tbh
posted by burgerrr at 3:58 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Heron. Ehhh, could be worse. Could be pigeon. I hope I'm the Night time/Day time black heron.
posted by peripathetic at 4:05 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Just be careful how often you call on your Patronum, peripathetic. Wouldn't want to have a heron overdose.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:12 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

kind of mad i didn't get my own cat flora as my patronus

pity the poor soul who gets their own gut flora as their patronus, tho
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:14 PM on September 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

You can connect to your old account if you remember your original username. (Make a new account, then rather than resorting find the place where you can enter your old name).

So yeah, still in Slytherin.
And my patronus is a Husky. Fine by me.

I have to note that I couldn't decide on one of the questions, so I closed my eyes and sulked until it went away. I'm curious if anyone else did this?
posted by nat at 4:31 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a potato.
posted by tilde at 4:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Would you like fries with that?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:58 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

A FUCKING SHREW

what the hell Pottermore
posted by Shepherd at 5:19 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Aren't patronuses protective spirits, not spirit animals; thus reflecting who is watching over you, not who you are? Apparently horses like watching over people protectively? Are machines of loving grace a possible patronus option?
posted by eviemath at 5:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Also, Schrödinger's Patronus sounds... wrong....
posted by eviemath at 5:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hedgehogs now always make me think of were-hedgehogs.

Orca patronus people, you, uh, probably don't want to put "orca" into the search box on that same web site and read the first two book reviews that come up....
posted by eviemath at 5:27 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Huh. Magpie. At least it's not a horse :D
posted by zug at 5:39 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

So I have been meditating on this topic all day whilst stuck in traffic and it occurred to me around hour 2.5 of traffic-sitting that the best patronus one could possibly have would be a goose, because geese are terrifying and I am 99% sure the average dementor would agree
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:50 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

Gryffindor Snowy Owl. I'm pretty happy with that.
posted by peacheater at 5:52 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I will never understand how my nerdy, bookish self gets consistently sorted into houses full of bravery and adventure. I got Gryffindor for my Hogwarts house, Thunderbird for my Ilvermorny house, and nightjar for my patronus. Nightjar. That sounds like a euphemism for a bedpan and not a small bird.
posted by sobell at 6:08 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a Little Owl - first it didn't work at all, then it told me I was difficult, then it made me retake the quiz with half different questions and then LO, Little Owl. I like owls. Which sort of makes up for moving me from Ravenclaw to Slytherin. I was bummed about that when it happened a few months ago but now (steeples hands, cackles) I am completely down with it.
posted by mygothlaundry at 6:35 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Dun mare for me. I wonder how many different types of horses are possible -- seems line an abundance. Kinda sad I didn't get a hedgehog. Or a bird.
posted by rewil at 7:04 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Am I the first Mefi Elephant? It did say I had a rare patronus.

Also, Griffyndor. Pleased with that.

My partner is Hufflepuff and magpie. That also seems right to both of us.

Now I want my students to take the quiz.

For science.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:04 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

sobell, it could be worse; you could have rolled a potoo
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:19 PM on September 22, 2016

Slytherin and pine marten, and I'm feeling pretty good about both of those, so long as nobody notices when 3/4 of Slytherin goes missing one year.
posted by Sequence at 7:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I got a thestral.

Welp.
posted by randomination at 8:14 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Lion. Woof.
posted by polymodus at 8:16 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

So I ended up with a dolphin, not my beloved Pibble.

*sigh*

I am my Pibble's squeaky toy.
posted by MissySedai at 8:17 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I thought I hope mine is a wolf or bear.

I got a wolf!

And Ravenclaw.
posted by Jalliah at 8:45 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

When I was a kid my spirit guide/patronus types were Slimer from the Ghostbusters cartoon and Roland from the Dark Tower books. They watched over me. Now it's Dylan/Springsteen/Craig Finn/Stephen King (who ironically brought Harry Potter into the Dark Tower and kinda ruined them both)

Here's Sam Kriss' essay on JK Rowling, just to spoil the fun a bit.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 8:57 PM on September 22, 2016

West Highland terrier. Tragically my patronus was run over by a car before it could protect me from any dementors ;_;
posted by supercrayon at 8:57 PM on September 22, 2016

Ctrl + F "Mole": No one else really?

Well damn, I'm a Mole. No description.

Le sigh.
posted by lizarrd at 9:00 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm a Slytherin Buzzard!!!
posted by grippycat at 9:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

The closest thing to a real animal I'd get would be a Pokemon or a billy-bumbler, both of which would breach copyright.

All joking aside, Dementors are a great metaphor for depression, and creating and summoning a symbol to beat them is very chaos magick.

The art is very nice.

My Patronus is a Rat, which makes sense, I suppose.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:07 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm a robin, which I find decisively mediocre.
posted by Maecenas at 9:15 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm a robin, which I find decisively mediocre.


Depends on which one! Dick Grayson and Tim Drake are cool.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:15 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Depends on which one! Dick Grayson and Tim Drake are cool.

It says Jason Todd T_T
posted by Maecenas at 9:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I got a dolphin in the quiz but having cast a corporeal patronus before I'm telling you as an absolute fact that my patronus is a cake and this thing is sentimental hogwash.
posted by the marble index at 11:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Deerhound!
posted by Pryde at 11:12 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Salmon. Hufflepuff. I feel like someone who needs mittens sewn into their coat.

How will a salmon defend me from Dementors when we are not in deep freshwater, JK Rowling? Unless it's a massive salmon, or the Salmon of Doubt in which case I take it all back.
posted by eyeofthetiger at 11:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

To those suffering from an identity crisis after being sorted into a new house (or those curious about the quiz stats) here's a breakdown of the answer distribution by house for each question [SLReddit]. I used it to ensure I was Hufflepuff after getting sorted into Gryffindor and deleting my account (((it took me long enough to have pride in my house I wasn't about to give it up dammit)))

Would love to see one for the Patronuses since it seems much more complex.
posted by that silly white dress at 11:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

The page froze before my Patronus was announced... what does that mean??
posted by Defying Gravity at 1:26 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh! It's a wildcat! Cool!
posted by Defying Gravity at 1:26 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

...falcon. Ravenclaw.

I think I generally don't like birds but wouldn't mind being one.
posted by aielen at 6:17 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got Hufflepuff for my house, which works because I think of myself as Ravenclaw, but have always secretly suspected that I might truly be a Hufflepuff. Loyal, cozy, near the kitchen, I could do much worse.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:26 AM on September 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Also Mole. No description.

Ick.
posted by Samarium at 7:57 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

In addition to Harambe mentioned above, other parodies which have come across my FB feed include "disoriented John Travolta" and "an Amazon Prime Box."

I have to say, I'm rather partial to the Amazon Prime Box. From the comments on that one (paraphrased, from memory):
"How is an Amazon Prime Box supposed to protect you from Dementors?"
"You pack them up and send them to Umbridge with free two-day shipping."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:11 AM on September 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

I got black and white cat, which makes sense given I'm happiest lazing around on the couch in a patch of sun. Which is one of the many reasons I'm confounded to be in Gryffindor. I should have just said on the quiz that I would narc on the cheating student, I guess.
posted by sallybrown at 8:45 AM on September 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

sea cucumber? wtf
posted by synthetik at 5:11 AM on September 23 [2 favorites +] [!]

Okay, I would dearly love this to be a real option and then i'd be consequently devastated that I didn't get it (a goddamn aardvark, what the hell Rowling) because here's the thing I love most about sea cucumbers: they are secret badasses.

Their defense mechanism against predators is to basically SELF-EVISCERATE and then fling their organs at their attacker! Imagine it, just ripping 'emselves on open and flinging their innards at a shark. So fucking metal.

(I'm so enthusiastic about sea cucumbers that once, many years ago, an internet friend crafted me a small felt sea cucumber holding a tiny spleen in its little plush hand. It was probably the best gift i've ever received.)
posted by pseudonymph at 9:04 AM on September 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

Weird... Polecat and Hufflepuff. Not sure if it is a good or bad thing.
posted by Ashwagandha at 9:18 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

.......

A field mouse?

A FIELD MOUSE?????!??

That's some bullshit right there. But at least they got my house right. #hufflepuff4eva
posted by hanov3r at 9:33 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a message that Firefox has stopped responding which is exactly what I always imagined my Patronus to be.
posted by maurice at 9:44 AM on September 23, 2016 [14 favorites]

I resorted and re-Patronused, this time in the proper frame of mind, and was correctly sorted into Ravenclaw, and got a wolf. I'm not convinced of the wolf, but whatever - at least I'm in the right house now.
posted by devinemissk at 10:20 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm in griffyndor, and I have and superb 13 inches wand made out of hornbeam wood with a dragon core, so how come my patronus is a pine marten?
I had to google it and found out it's a kind of weasel...
posted by SageLeVoid at 10:24 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm quite pleased with my Russian blue cat.
posted by of strange foe at 11:24 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Mine should be: Slytherin hedgehog. Let's see what I get.
posted by susiswimmer at 5:57 PM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Ravenclaw Chow Dog. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Clearly end days are nigh if I can so disguise myself!
posted by susiswimmer at 6:04 PM on September 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Mine is a stoat, and for some reason I find that delightful.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:35 PM on September 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Thestral, bitches.
posted by Capybara at 7:15 PM on September 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Ravenclaw (obvs) and a white swan which is weird af because swans are black. Confused. Going back to burrow for a bit of a snooze.
posted by Combat Wombat at 7:41 PM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Clearly learning about white swans is some sort of black swan event.
posted by ckape at 12:18 AM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

I got a fox and apparently I am Hufflepuff and this all makes me very happy.
posted by olya at 2:01 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

procrastination: "Skunk? Thanks, Obama."

Clearly inspired by the evil geniuses at Disney.
posted by Rhaomi at 2:28 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Black stallion BITCHES
posted by a strong female character at 7:08 PM on September 24, 2016