The Sweater Set

October 2, 2016 6:28 AM

22 of the Most Hideous Jumpers on British TV in the 80s
posted by Artw (53 comments total)

I swear number two was reborn as the goalkeeper kit for England sometime in the David Seaman era.
posted by hoyland at 6:43 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Barely scratches the surface.

The nabob of nasty knitwear - not even mentioned here - was then and still is Gyles Brandreth, wit, raconteur, ex-Tory MP, broadcaster and things even more annoying than that, who quite literally wrote the book on the art form.
posted by Devonian at 6:44 AM on October 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

For any non-British readers who may be feeling some what confused:

jump·er
ˈjəmpər/noun
1. NORTH AMERICAN a collarless sleeveless dress, typically worn over a blouse.
2.BRITISH a sweater.

posted by Fizz at 7:00 AM on October 2, 2016 [6 favorites]

I didn't notice it until the caption pointed it out, but now all I can see is John Cleese's totally messed up tie.
posted by obfuscation at 7:07 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

None are even close to even the third place runner up in any USA office bad xmas sweater competition.
posted by sammyo at 7:09 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

...or (USA) a kind of overall/pantsuit number, which, trust me, on 80s television went to, like, a lovecrafrian-level dark place of eye-blistering heinousness. These sweaters are playing the role of 'good cop' by comparison.
posted by sexyrobot at 7:10 AM on October 2, 2016 [5 favorites]

I actually *like* a few of these.
posted by orange swan at 7:14 AM on October 2, 2016 [6 favorites]

Maybe it's a UK/US thing, but 2/3 of those don't really look that bad to me. They're just...patterns. I mean, the fairisle is a time-honored style (once known in the UK, per Robert Graves, as a "Jazz pattern" sweater) - are we really saying that fairisle sweaters are ugly? And I would totally wear both the rugby one and the wide stripe cardigan, also Joanna Lumley's hairstyle.

I will say that since the eighties I think we all have a stronger sense of what reads well on TV, and patterns usually don't.
posted by Frowner at 7:16 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

In fact, I would also totally wear sweater 16 and I basically have sweater 17. And what is so wrong with 10? 10 is just a striped v-neck.

O UK mefites, enlighten me - I get what's wrong with the really weebly-wobbly pattern ones, but what in UK culture leads you to dislike fairisles and striped v-necks? I have been told by a British person that I am one of the most unBritish foreigners they've ever met, so I assume it's some cultural thing that is incredibly obvious to you but invisible to me.
posted by Frowner at 7:22 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

None of them seem great to me, but I feel like a more honest name for this page would have been. My commentary on the jumpers worn in 22 screencaps selected at random from 1980s British TV.

Also, Paul Coia is a name I'd forgotten. And quite honestly one I have no idea why I'd get nostalgia from.
posted by ambrosen at 7:29 AM on October 2, 2016

That show on Netflix, which might be titled "Slow Knitting" has a brief rundown about the ancient traditional Norwegian patterns. The patterns are culturally significant and have been in play for generations. They are also, to my eyes, very attractive.

Seeing the Norwegian patterns and hearing about their history stands in shocking contrast to these briefly popular and ill-thought-out jumpers.

Stand united against Big Jumper!
posted by Wetterschneider at 7:30 AM on October 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

I would wear at least three of these sweaters.
posted by phunniemee at 7:32 AM on October 2, 2016

British Pullovers? That's numberwang!
posted by blue_beetle at 7:32 AM on October 2, 2016 [12 favorites]

I have to agree with Devonian that this list is woefully incomplete without Brandreth. Not only that, but no Timmy Mallett, and Edd the Duck's jumpers were generally worse than Gordon the Gopher's.
posted by Vortisaur at 7:33 AM on October 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

I would wear at least three of these sweaters.

That would be awfully hot.
posted by 445supermag at 7:36 AM on October 2, 2016 [21 favorites]

God knows I'm not suggesting that we somehow live WITHOUT making fun of things on the internet, but several of these seem like relatively ordinary items of clothing. Also, I'm gonna go ahead and give John Cleese a free pass to wear whatever he happens to have in his closet.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:12 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

I also went looking for Frank Bough, who flaunted some shockers on breakfast TV, but got distracted by the coke, hookers and negligees scandal that sunk him. He had the most avuncular, steadfast, reliable image of any UK broadcaster of the time, a real pipe-and-slippers vibe, and I think the revelations blasted a hole in the nation's psyche that has never really healed.

This is, I suspect, the subtext of the loud sweater. Those who wear them on television often turn out to be painfully at odds in their real lives from their public personas. Most famous people are, of course, but there's a particular strand - if you will - of disconcerting, jarring disconnect when you get beneath the chunky pixels.

I'm looking (through protective eyewear) at you, Noel Edmonds, and your telephonic psychiatric services for depressed pets.
posted by Devonian at 8:15 AM on October 2, 2016 [6 favorites]

#19 is giving me flashbacks to old Lands End catalogs. Striped rugby shirts for everyone! Mix and match or dress the whole fam alike!

Is there a phrase for these to replace 'Cosby sweaters'? It feels like that has worn out its welcome.
posted by Flannery Culp at 8:17 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Finally! It's about time. Sweaterweather.
posted by Kabanos at 8:29 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A woolly jumper!
posted by carter at 8:37 AM on October 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

Only the Pat Sharp "Last Words" jumper rises above 0.9 FCS Units (Formerly Cosby Show)
posted by benzenedream at 8:43 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

WHERE'S me jumper?!

everybody go watch Moone Boy.
posted by Huck500 at 8:44 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Whenever I see a collection of UK celebrities, I think of this Achewood strip.

Between this list the episode of "This Morning With Richard Not Judy" where Stuart Lee is in a jumper and it completely reverses the comedy power dynamic they have, I assume that jumpers are just one of those things, like baked beans, queuing, and themselves that people from the UK have a weird and somewhat unhealthy relationship with.
posted by Grimgrin at 8:52 AM on October 2, 2016 [8 favorites]

also, I'm gonna go ahead and give John Cleese a free pass

Yeah, about John Cleese. Maybe had a few too many free passes in the last 20 years.
posted by ambrosen at 8:56 AM on October 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

The 80s truly were a horrific decade. It is as if a century of nasty design trends got compressed into one pastel colored decade with a shitty haircut.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:57 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

GEORGE IS GETTING AGITATED!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:59 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Some of these are not bad, but I also purchased with my own money a Bugle-themed Christmas sweater so maybe I am not the best judge of these things.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 8:59 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Only the Pat Sharp "Last Words" jumper rises above 0.9 FCS Units (Formerly Cosby Show)

We emigrated in 82 and I only experienced 80s Britain through Adrian Mole books, so: is Pat Sharp one of the guys from Bucks Fizz?
posted by Flashman at 9:14 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

A lot of these are "dazzle" camouflage to cause jerry to take up poor firing positions.
posted by dazed_one at 9:15 AM on October 2, 2016 [11 favorites]

It's nice to see ugly 80s sweaters on people who aren't Bill Cosby, so they all get points in my book.
posted by tommasz at 9:20 AM on October 2, 2016

Once again the Geordie people are left out in the cold.

I quite like John Cleese's argyle sweater; given the choice, I'd watch if before Fawlty Towers again.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:31 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

In a montage of 1980s fashion, bad sweaters are most likely to be upstaged by the wearers' haircuts—especially important, given that no one wears the same sweater 24/7.
posted by she's not there at 9:33 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

what kind of shitty list is this lacking gyles brandreth oh my god this is an outrage

britain you've let us all down
posted by poffin boffin at 9:46 AM on October 2, 2016

Probably two years back, I was in a really big thrift store, just browsing and minding my business. It is relevant that I was wearing what I thought was a tasteful, plain gray cashmere cardigan over a plan black v-neck shirt.

It' was pretty busy in there, lots of people, including a group of young gentlemen on the opposite side of the store who had obviously been indulging in some jazz musicians' cigarettes and had been just walking around giggling at things. Then, one of whom peeled off from the group and, navigating the crowds, passing probably 20 or 30 different people including employees, and made his way to me and said, "Excuse me, do you know where we can find, like, really stupid looking sweaters?"

I don't know that I have ever been prouder than I was that day.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:48 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm not even British and yet I know that Morrissey post on the same site totally missed it.
posted by lagomorphius at 10:04 AM on October 2, 2016

This is apparently what happened when 1980s Britons from the south were given a little too much coke.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:05 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hugh "Lord Grantham" Bonneville has to defend his jumper (and his red lips) from an appearance on Top Gear while on The Graham Norton Show. [5m]
posted by hippybear at 10:43 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

#19 contains neither a jumper nor, as the caption claims, fuchsia. It's a red and taupe rugby shirt.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:04 AM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

And the eternal question - where's me jumper?

It's all right to say things can only get better
You haven't lost your brand new sweater.
posted by Devonian at 11:07 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'd like #5, #8, #16, and the blue one with hearts near the bottom. But I can't seem to find the order buttons to add them to my cart.
posted by ethical_caligula at 11:08 AM on October 2, 2016

I'd agree with the comment above about the hair making the sweaters look tame. Although I am an old and saw a young person sporting a very fine mullet the other day, so perhaps some of this hair is going to come around again?

BRB - off to fetch my acid wash denims out of the attic.
posted by hilaryjade at 11:24 AM on October 2, 2016

BRB - off to fetch my acid wash denims out of the attic.

You jest, but I have indeed seen brand new acid wash jeans on store shelves within the last month.

(I seem to recall jeans-makers trying to revive them about ten years ago too, but it didn't take.)
posted by Sys Rq at 11:42 AM on October 2, 2016

BRB - off to fetch my acid wash denims out of the attic.

Let that awful decade die already.
posted by jonmc at 11:45 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

I just buy 501's shrink-to-fits and let them age as they are going to age. The whole "these jeans are pre-aged" movement that started in the 80s and was full-force in the 90s just left a bad taste in my mouth. #purist #jeans #oldmanshoutsatcloud
posted by hippybear at 11:51 AM on October 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

Apparently the site owner reads Metafilter because the original post has just been amended with a token listing of Gyles Brandreth's choice in knitwear.
posted by ardgedee at 12:07 PM on October 2, 2016

How can this possibly not mention Val Doonican? (Irish, but a fixture on British TV from the mid-60s to the mid-80s.)
posted by Major Clanger at 12:28 PM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

I have a nice and growing collection of fair isle jumpers. Clothes with nice textures or patterns are so satisfying to wear.

I'd say 2 or 3 of those jumpers are pretty awesome, and I'm pretty sure I've seen some very fashionable people wearing at least a couple of the other ones over the last few years. Possibly ironically.
posted by leo_r at 1:10 PM on October 2, 2016

I do own this book, which is lovely, but now that I have discovered that Mr. Brandreth produced another book, I must own it. My collection of "British celebrities who write knitting books" must be completed!

(To date, it's just Novelty Knits, Dawn French's Big Knits, and Lalla Ward's Beastly Knits and Fowl Knits, but that's four more than really should exist. Really.)
posted by Katemonkey at 1:28 PM on October 2, 2016

Katemonkey, your collection needs Knit 2 Together by Tracey Ullman and Mel Clark (there's a follow up as well).
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:34 PM on October 2, 2016

I bet even Pat Sharp has no idea how Pat Sharp had a career in television.
posted by biffa at 3:13 PM on October 2, 2016

The 80s truly were a horrific decade.
As I get older, I realize that this will be said about every decade I've lived in. I can't wait for the 2057 meme of how stupid all those guys looked in skinny jeans, too-small-suits, and giant beards. So, get used to it, I guess?
posted by gorbichov at 3:32 PM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

I can't wait for the 2057 meme of how stupid all those guys looked in skinny jeans, too-small-suits, and giant beards.

I don't think you have to wait.
posted by bongo_x at 9:12 PM on October 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

The 80s truly were a horrific decade.

The 80s was my adolescence, and it was a really really confusing time. MTV was full of people of all kinds of gender all wearing lace and makeup, everyone from Prince to Motley Crue to Boy George. But at the same time, there was the whole Yuppie thing going on and also the IZOD/Dockers/Deckshoes thing. And Reagan was happening and AIDS was happening and the Cold War was getting pretty intense until it suddenly wasn't...

Really the sweaters might be the most comforting thing about the whole decade. I love curling up in a sweater on a cold night.
posted by hippybear at 12:19 AM on October 5, 2016 [1 favorite]