Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks!
November 20, 2016 3:56 PM   Subscribe

Everyone thinks farts are funny. Underwater farts (NSFW) are better. Slow-motion underwater farts are better still. But nothing compares to 120fps slow-motion underwater naked farts (also NSFW unless you work with naturists).

Penguins do it too. Hippos usually do it underwater, for good reason. (Deer don't, but it's funny so what the hell.)

Bonus: 12 Very Interesting Facts About Farts From A Dubious Source
posted by Johnny Wallflower (71 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
 
Well, now I can cross "watch a hippo fart" off my list of things to do before I die.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:01 PM on November 20, 2016 [9 favorites]


Everyone should cross that off their list, GenjiandProust. Although seeing it for real would make me laugh even louder.
posted by ambrosen at 4:05 PM on November 20, 2016 [3 favorites]


You are welcome.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:05 PM on November 20, 2016 [3 favorites]


"Let's break down a fart, for a second. It comes out of your ass, Ok? It smells... it smells like poop (because it's just been hanging out next to it for a long time). AND, it makes a little trumpet noise when it comes out. I mean, c'mon, man - what's not funny about that?!" —Louis C.K.
posted by jammy at 4:05 PM on November 20, 2016


That lady has a very pretty bum.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 4:06 PM on November 20, 2016 [8 favorites]


It's like a hippo once saw a skunk in action and then said, "Here. Hold my beer."
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 4:08 PM on November 20, 2016 [9 favorites]


That lady needs to cut out wheat from her diet.
posted by Bee'sWing at 4:15 PM on November 20, 2016


I love how the second penguin nopes right out of there.
posted by SLC Mom at 4:17 PM on November 20, 2016 [2 favorites]


Mark Twain once referred to farts as "the fundamental sigh", which is pretty clever, even for Twain. Looking at your tags, OP, I see one tag for "farts", and ten others that have NOTHING TO DO WITH FARTING.

This will not do. Here are 150 synonyms for "fart", courtesy of the HuffPo. The list includes such gems as "colon bowlin’", "insane in the methane", and "'sphincter siren." I smell...opportunity. And a hint of sulfur. Get crackin'!
posted by mosk at 4:21 PM on November 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


I have questions about why the super-slo-mo underwater fart was so artfully and lovingly produced.

I am not sure, however, whether I want those questions answered.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:22 PM on November 20, 2016 [10 favorites]


What a gas!
posted by jonmc at 4:23 PM on November 20, 2016


🍑💨
posted by SansPoint at 4:25 PM on November 20, 2016 [10 favorites]


As I like to say when I'm unimpressed with something but don't want to get into an argument about it, "That's a work o fart."
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:28 PM on November 20, 2016 [7 favorites]


Fair point, mosk. Rectified.

Get it? Rectified? I crack myself up.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:33 PM on November 20, 2016 [3 favorites]


The humble iguana.
posted by peeedro at 4:40 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]


I like how Vimeo has labeled the slow-motion underwater fart "Mature". Haw!
posted by Modest House at 4:54 PM on November 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


These were delightful. Could probably use the buttslol and/or lolbutts tags as well.
posted by asperity at 5:01 PM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm blown away by the tag suggestions, guys.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:08 PM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]




Good news! I have now remembered to disconnect my tablet from the Bluetooth speakers in the kitchen.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:24 PM on November 20, 2016 [28 favorites]


So we don't get to learn whose ass it is, and why it is farting?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:35 PM on November 20, 2016 [6 favorites]


I have never shared this before.

Ok, so you know how sometimes you have a little plastic cup in the tub, so you can pour water over your head?

So one time in the tub I thought, what if you inverted the cup and put it flush betwixt your nethers? I realized like a petomane Archimedes that the gas would displace the water and you'd have both an accurate measure of flatus volume and a pure 100% fart. It also allows you to test for flammability, as not all people's gas contains sufficient methane for ignition. You'll never attempt to light in vain.

EuREEKa.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:44 PM on November 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


Somehow, this is just what I needed at this moment in time.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:59 PM on November 20, 2016


"more inside" heh heh heh... heh heh heh... heh...
posted by merocet at 6:14 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]


Thanks for sharing, leotrotsky.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:22 PM on November 20, 2016


“Something came out of your butt, it made a sound … and it smelt funny.”
posted by scruss at 6:30 PM on November 20, 2016


Hoof hearted?
Ice melted!
posted by Floydd at 6:35 PM on November 20, 2016


10 print "One smart fellow, he felt smart."
20 goto 10
posted by jenkinsEar at 7:24 PM on November 20, 2016


So we don't get to learn whose ass it is, and why it is farting?

Apparently the beauty clip is "from a video art project about liberation freedom and censorship". Sure why not.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:31 PM on November 20, 2016


I just tried to find the clip, but it's been taken down - on his spot on Inside the Actors Studio, during the Questionaire section, Robin Williams said that "what sound or noise do you love" was a fart noise. "Because it's musical, but....it could be anything." He also said that it was a humanizing sound, pointing out that even the Pope does it - "and that's probably when the altar boys bring out the incense."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:42 PM on November 20, 2016 [2 favorites]


This reminds me: Swiss Army Man is one of my favorite movies this years, and you all should totally watch it (without knowing anything/a lot about it beforehand).
posted by bigendian at 7:43 PM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


So at high school I had a friend whose mum was a nurse. She told him that occasionally, fartlighting went wrong, causing burns to the relevant area, and that one of the funnier moments she had in the ER was hearing a doctor solemnly enquire of a patient's mother "has he been lighting his farts"?

It has only just dawned on me that this may have just been a cunning ruse to put us off the idea of lighting our farts.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:12 PM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


Don't forget that the finest piece of art in human history was created on just this serious topic.
posted by 1adam12 at 9:05 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]


"The great ass has spoken!"
posted by boilermonster at 9:18 PM on November 20, 2016


You know darn well this horse did this intentionally.
posted by quazichimp at 9:44 PM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


Totally not a ruse, I am Joe's spleen. Happened to a friend of mine as a lad. Sigh. Now everyone will think the friend was me, but his experience was enough to put me right off!
posted by smoke at 9:52 PM on November 20, 2016


Aren't exploding farts a known OR hazard? I vaguely remember reading about a cauterization gone horribly wrong.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:36 PM on November 20, 2016


All this reminds me of the importance of kerning in keeping "music albums" from becoming "musical bums."
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:49 PM on November 20, 2016 [3 favorites]


She told him that occasionally, fartlighting went wrong, causing burns to the relevant area, and that one of the funnier moments she had in the ER was hearing a doctor solemnly enquire of a patient's mother "has he been lighting his farts"?

Once upon a time a gentleman I was dating set his balls on fire lighting a fart.

He was not injured, but he was alarmed.



I date smarter people now.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:36 AM on November 21, 2016 [15 favorites]


Apparently, Canadians are not amused.
posted by arzakh at 3:07 AM on November 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


smoke: Now everyone will think the friend was me, but his experience was enough to put me right off!

Of course. Any eponysteria is entirely coincidental.
posted by merlynkline at 3:17 AM on November 21, 2016


I date smarter people now.

I imagine it would be hard to find any dumber ones.
posted by Paul Slade at 3:20 AM on November 21, 2016


Bulgaroktonos: "Good news! I have now remembered to disconnect my tablet from the Bluetooth speakers in the kitchen."

This is just to say

I have disconnected
the speakers
that were on
the icebox

and which
you were probably
hearing
at breakfast

Forgive me
the farts were
so wet
and so bold
posted by chavenet at 3:21 AM on November 21, 2016 [12 favorites]


It may cheer you all to know that in the UK we commonly use "trump" for "fart", and my three-year-old therefore thinks "President Trump" most amusing...
posted by alasdair at 5:46 AM on November 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


OHHH MY GOOODDDD, INTERNET

Okay, so about a hundred years ago when Mr. Lorensen and I first met, one of our first little private couple jokes was about marketing the sound of bath farts against new age music a la whale song. We used to imagine the DJ from the old public radio New Age show Music From the Hearts of Space (rechristened by us as Music From the Hearts of Uranus, because we are 12) announcing the soothing sounds of Bath Farts.

And now apparently 17 years later, the internet has at least partially delivered. (I am at work so I am not clicking those links. But I will forward them to my husband. Oh yes, I will.) Well done.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:48 AM on November 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


occasionally, fartlighting went wrong

"Hey Bro, I know what you read in the PUA forums, but I don't think that's what gaslighting means...."
posted by The Bellman at 7:21 AM on November 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


You can't even discuss farting without getting into trouble...

#fartgate
posted by jkaczor at 7:44 AM on November 21, 2016




O Canadia, not you too!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:47 AM on November 21, 2016


I'm blown away by the tag suggestions, guys.

I see what you did there.
posted by mistersquid at 8:29 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


O Canadia, not you too!

We've all gambled on a fart and lost at one time or another.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:04 AM on November 21, 2016


Mind if I...ass you a question?
posted by gottabefunky at 9:04 AM on November 21, 2016


Ass me no questions, I'll smell you no lies.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:18 AM on November 21, 2016


Oh a mighty winds a blowin’, it’s kickin’ up the sand,
It’s blowin’ out a message to every woman, child and man
Yes a mighty winds a blowin’, cross the land and cross the sea,
It’s blowin’ peace and freedom, it’s blowin’ equality.


- The Folksmen et al.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:20 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


So we don't get to learn whose ass it is, and why it is farting?

You might be beanplating now. Right? Right?
posted by Splunge at 10:28 AM on November 21, 2016


My freshman year in college my naive roommate had never heard of the practice of lighting farts. He decided to try it. In his tight whites. With other people in the room. His howls of pain as his most intimate parts were singed were all but drowned out by the gales of laughter. Good times.
posted by Ber at 1:02 PM on November 21, 2016


When my kids were wee bairns, this was the favored fart film clip. Hours of entertainment. The autosuggest on Youtube helpfully serves up "powder" as the third word when you type in "baby fart", so I'm guessing our family is not alone.
posted by Sublimity at 4:12 PM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Waffle poots
posted by Room 641-A at 4:34 PM on November 21, 2016


(I think this post got in my Google search.)
posted by Room 641-A at 4:35 PM on November 21, 2016


Waffle poots previously
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:59 PM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I date smarter people now.

I imagine it would be hard to find any dumber ones.



Humanity is infinitely surprising.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:56 PM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


We've all gambled on a fart and lost at one time or another.


I wrote this in 2007 and now I have an excuse to inflict it on y'all.


THE PANTS GAMBLER

On a warm summer's evenin on a train bound for nowhere,
I met an old pants gambler; who shifted in his seat.
He seemed to hold it in him, as long as he was able
Discomfort overtook him, and he began to reek.

He said, I've been a pants gambler ever since I wore a diaper,
I learned the fine points of the game when I was but a lad
Some might find me disgusting, I'm not a thourough wiper,
But there were times my dingleberries were the only friends I had.

I'm a man whose long life story is written out in skid marks,
So listen to me closely, son, you'll learn a thing or two,
You may think you're above me, with your young and healthy colon
One day you'll lift a cheek to toot, and it will be a poo.

You got to know when to hold it, when to unload it,
Know when it's just some gas and when you've got the runs.
You never check your britches when youre sittin at the table.
There'll be time enough to clean 'em when the deed is done.

Now ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin when to 'scuse yourself, and when to take a chance.
We've all burned our share of britches, but the thing you must remember
You can't blame it on the other guy when the brown spot's on your pants.

He stood to leave the car then, and I thanked him for his wisdom,
The man taught me some lessons that I won't soon forget.
His demeanor was so graceful that I barely noticed.
That the spot where he'd been sitting was stinky brown and wet.

You got to know when to hold it, when to unload it,
Know when it's just some gas and when you've got the runs.
You never check your tighty whities when youre sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough to clean 'em when the deed is done.

posted by louche mustachio at 11:01 PM on November 21, 2016 [8 favorites]


louche mustachio: Keepin' MetaFilter Classy Since 2007™

sez the guy with no room to talk
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:57 AM on November 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


I am totally putting that on my profile.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:02 PM on November 22, 2016 [4 favorites]


You're the one who posted an FPP about farts.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:07 PM on November 22, 2016


To be fair, the thread was gas-only until your little song.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:53 PM on November 22, 2016


But, yeah.


Get it? "But" sounds like "butt" hee hee
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:56 PM on November 22, 2016


Mongo was no Method actor when it came to farts, but Mel Brooks remembers him fondly.
posted by MsMolly at 6:46 PM on November 22, 2016


To be fair, the thread was gas-only until your little song.

But what about the hippo?
posted by asperity at 7:24 AM on November 23, 2016


Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground. There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:19 AM on November 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


There's a calendar.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:35 AM on December 5, 2016


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