"I remember being impressed with myself."
December 14, 2016 7:19 AM   Subscribe

How to Be Cool — A comic by Meghan Lands
posted by Elementary Penguin (21 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
😝
posted by leotrotsky at 7:50 AM on December 14, 2016


This is great.

I experienced the guy version of this at sixteen. Some details the same, some were different. The punchline in my case was waking up in my parents' bed the next day, stinking in sour booze/post-barf smell, and when my mom walked in and said, "So I guess you're not dead" I was still drunk enough to think, "Maybe she doesn't know."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:52 AM on December 14, 2016 [15 favorites]


This reminded me of Pathetic Geek Stories, something I really wish would come back into my life.

I didn't do this sort of thing at 15, but I did at 17 and 18 and I remember getting drunk and purposely acting like a giant fool because I thought that's just kind of what you do. I'm in my late 40s now and I still sometimes cringe when I think about what a giant knucklehead I was back then.
posted by bondcliff at 7:55 AM on December 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


One good thing about getting this out of the way when you're a teenager is you don't do it in grad school when your friends have whiskey parties. I mean, that what I've heard.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 8:00 AM on December 14, 2016 [11 favorites]


I'm just glad my version(s) of this story happened long before social media and phone cameras
posted by Burhanistan at 8:08 AM on December 14, 2016 [10 favorites]


The host's older brother was a good dude. It shouldn't have to be remarkable, but it is.

I was so uncool as a teenager that I traveled through a uncoolness wormhole and became the belle of the tabletop RPG set. It has its own hazards, but no vomiting as such, although once I did drink enough Mountain Dew to turn the toilet green.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:10 AM on December 14, 2016 [22 favorites]


Well, that ended better than I expected, so I will mark it up as a Christmas miracle!
posted by Samizdata at 8:17 AM on December 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Everyone knows that being a *real* adult means you can projectile vomit into a bathroom stall without leaving a chunk of evidence.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:18 AM on December 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


grumpybear69: "Everyone knows that being a *real* adult means you can projectile vomit into a bathroom stall without leading a chunk of evidence."

Then more proof positive I do not adult well. :sigh:
posted by Samizdata at 8:19 AM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


The host's older brother was a good dude. It shouldn't have to be remarkable, but it is.

Yup. I prepared myself mentally for this ending in rape. How refreshing that this cautionary tale didn't end with permanent damage.

I had a momentary thought - "What the hell stupid life system is it that puts all the sex hormones into brains that aren't fully developed yet and make terrible life decisions?" And then I thought... "Oh, the evolutionary kind that wants as many offspring as possible." Man, the deck is stacked against us.

(While I luckily avoided this at 15, I was plenty stupid 20-24.)
posted by greermahoney at 8:36 AM on December 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


"the having of sex, which is often sexy"

the optimism of youth
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:46 AM on December 14, 2016 [32 favorites]


Been there, done that; didn't puke in the car or throw myself at a relative of the host, but I did insist on getting a sandwich to "line my stomach" when I was already well on my way to Hurlville, and ended up eating about two bites before I got sick (although I threatened to kick the ass of anyone who touched it), and finished the evening by realizing that I'd left my keys at home and slept it off in our backyard. Good times.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:03 AM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Everyone knows that being a *real* adult means you can projectile vomit into a bathroom stall without leaving a chunk of evidence.

For a second I thought I was still in the election thread, yet this comment still worked.
posted by lizjohn at 9:19 AM on December 14, 2016 [11 favorites]


This is the kind of convoluted mental math I was doing all the time.

This mental math is not that convoluted.
posted by Going To Maine at 10:25 AM on December 14, 2016


For me it wasn't so much "I must be cool" as "I did it. I passed a test. Now I fit in." Blacking out and vomiting all over my bedroom my junior year of high school was embarrassing, but the feeling of shame was offset by a secret feeling of accomplishment.
posted by not_the_water at 12:57 PM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I experienced the guy version of this at sixteen. Some details the same, some were different. The punchline in my case was waking up in my parents' bed the next day, stinking in sour booze/post-barf smell, and when my mom walked in and said, "So I guess you're not dead" I was still drunk enough to think, "Maybe she doesn't know."

My favorite was when I got back my parents' house at 7-something in the morning, having walked quite a long way, and my mom was up and she just said "huh, why did you even bother to come home?"

I didn't tell you this then, Mom, but I came home because we were such drunk assholes that our host's roommate barricaded himself in his room, flipped the circuit breaker (which was in his room for some reason) and pretended it was a power outage. Not that we went home then - we stayed up in the hot tub singing and breaking shit. But eventually we had to go home, because sleeping there didn't seem like a great idea somehow.
posted by atoxyl at 1:08 PM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Usually my emetophobia is more of a bother than anything, but stories like this make me really glad I've had it by my side throughout life (and especially throughout my teenage and school years). I feel like I would really like being DRONK drunk, and doing drugs a lot, but I don't ever want to puke so I avoid doing too much of anything. But man do I sympathize with this woman and her bathtub full of puke water, because that is...(brb I gotta de-escalate my anxiety on this one)
posted by witchen at 2:22 PM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ha, also I remember now the dumb shit I did when I was drunk (by my standards, which was like, literally one time I poured a capful of Kahlua over my vanilla ice cream and I felt mildly silly and just went with it) and how amazingly obnoxious that must have been. Oops.
posted by witchen at 2:25 PM on December 14, 2016


I was a late drinker and didn't have my first alcoholic beverage until I was nearly 21.

However, my personal unfortunate episode didn't happen until I was about 25, and in my own home! My best friend had come over to stay, and we shared a bottle of Oban single malt (because we are ADULTS). The ENTIRE bottle. I gained consciousness whilst vomiting upon our (my wife's) brand new Pottery Barn bedroom rug. I was then relocated to the bathtub to wash off, where I vomited further.

I spent my hangover the next day apologizing to my wife while hosing off her rug on the patio. It was a Big Deal, because it was one of the first nice adult items we had bought in our first house that wasn't IKEA furniture.

I'm still not sure if she has fully forgiven my best friend.
posted by Fleebnork at 3:25 PM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


The highlight of my gross teenage booze hound career was the time I was housesitting my mother's friend's place for the summer when I was 16.
I was responsible, so rather than have a party at the house of this nice lady who had entrusted me with her home (and it did cross my mind), I instead decided to go to a shindig at a friend's place a few suburbs over, and catch the last train back to my temporary abode. There was a garage full of kids drinking beers with nominal parental supervision and occasionally going outside to blow something up with firecrackers. There was no one there really worth trying to desperately look cool for, and it was generally kinda boring, so I made it my mission to see how far I could get through a bottle of lime infused vodka. I made it halfway. I then decided it was time to stagger the half hour back to the train station, taking the odd extra slug from my bottle, because dang it I wanted to conquer that thing. I made it just in time for the train, took a seat, traveled a stop and a half, and started projectile puking. I got a good amount of lime vodka and fruitcake out of my system (did I mention the only thing I'd eaten that day was fruitcake? They make an interesting aromatic combination), and then I and my many fellow passengers had to change trains. We waited patiently for an awkward ~15 mins, me flat on my back on the ground, somehow nobody called the cops to take me away, and then nonchalantly got on the next train. I arrived at my stop without further to do, made my way to the street of the place i was sitting, and promptly forgot which house it was. I spent an hour walking up and down the street, trying to decide which front door I was going to try my keys with, I could not make up my mind. At this point (4-5am) I thought it'd be a good idea to find a phone booth, call my mother (took a while to figure out my own phone number) to casually ask "so, uh, what does the house look like that I'm looking after for Terri?". She thought it was hilarious, still does. I was hung over for 3 days, and I still can't drink vodka, lime infused or otherwise 20 years later. I still feel bad for the people on the train, and whoever had to clean up my fruitcake lime vodka puke. So it goes.
posted by threecheesetrees at 4:06 PM on December 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


me flat on my back on the ground

Ooh! That reminds me of one of the most valuable life skills you can teach your teenager (and/or self): The recovery position.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:14 PM on December 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


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