airborne dildos to the rescue
December 16, 2016 10:11 AM   Subscribe

"With the gun, he walked in. I just thought he was trying to be funny, to scare us," she said. "But then I saw the gun and it was like, really? I don't have time for this." Sex Toys Used to Chase Off Armed Robber at San Bernardino Shop (via @erinscafe)
posted by everybody had matching towels (41 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
Airborne dildos Previously on MeFi.
posted by radwolf76 at 10:20 AM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


I object they made me wait through thirty seconds of advertising before I could watch this amazing video which I believe to be basically a war crime.

Thank you for posting!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:22 AM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


This is a very funny video, because dildos, but why would you want to risk getting killed over maybe $80.00 of someone else's money?
posted by bondcliff at 10:25 AM on December 16, 2016 [10 favorites]


The penis mightier...
posted by dazed_one at 10:26 AM on December 16, 2016 [46 favorites]


Only way to stop a bad guy with a dildo is a good woman with a dildo etc. etc.
posted by Maaik at 10:27 AM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


So us Californians are here chuckling over how you can't purchase the tools to adequately defend yourself in Texas...
posted by straw at 10:31 AM on December 16, 2016 [38 favorites]


That looks like a Kmart-sized sex shop! Dang, San Bernadino! Get on with your bad selves!
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


I've invented a way to combine airborne dildos with basketball, and I'm cock-a-hoop about it.
posted by Devonian at 10:51 AM on December 16, 2016 [8 favorites]


Better, yet, why would anyone go out and rob somebody for $80? Without being able to ask the robber, who knows? The American condition, perhaps. The failed War on Drugs is still not over and blaming this on drugs seems too easy, but, well, probably drugs. That $80 is going to get baking soda, washing powder, and the tiniest bit of actual drugs, when, if a well regulated legal product, $20 would be a week's supply for a heavy user.

Maybe it's not drugs, maybe the would-be robber is a modern day Jean Valjean, a man with multiple felonies under his belt with no skills and too old and crotchety after spending a decade or three in prision; utterly unemployable, homeless, and broke.

The robber was clever enough to reason that the sex shop likely does quite a bit of business in cash and won't have armed guards like a bank, so while we can laugh at them over the Internet (I did; somethingsomething Saint's Row), they also didn't shoot the gun, which I'll bet wasn't actually loaded, hence the retreat and fortunately the clerk lives on. If the clerk had been shot, this would have barely registered past the local news.
posted by fragmede at 10:52 AM on December 16, 2016


I believe that Matt Haughey has just been vindicated for all his hard photoshop work.
posted by nubs at 10:53 AM on December 16, 2016 [9 favorites]


(I'm going to call it Quiddick.)
)
posted by Devonian at 10:53 AM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


bondcliff: This is a very funny video, because dildos, but why would you want to risk getting killed over maybe $80.00 of someone else's money?

You see it in the news every so often: a store clerk/bank teller/pizza deliveryman fights off a robber and is hailed a hero, only to be fired soon after for ignoring the stated policy of handing over whatever the robber asks for and getting them out of the area fast rather than take matters into their own hands.

Not only do you risk your life for someone else's chump change, but you may very well get sacked for your trouble.
posted by dr_dank at 11:01 AM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


The thing is, you don't know how you're going to react to having a gun pointed at you until it happens. In a case of mistaken identity, I had a cop screaming for me to put my fucking hands in the air, and I just stood there blinking at his gun because I couldn't comprehend what was happening. My sister had to physically pull my hands up above my head. I can imagine that other people might react by getting intensely pissed off.
posted by LindsayIrene at 11:15 AM on December 16, 2016 [19 favorites]


The comments on the news website are some of the most inoffensive I've seen in ages (outside of Metafilter, of course).
posted by lhauser at 11:25 AM on December 16, 2016



The comments on the news website are some of the most inoffensive I've seen in ages (outside of Metafilter, of course).


Someone needs to fix that immediately!! What will children say when they read the comments and don't find a cesspool of human misery?! They won't understand.
posted by FallowKing at 11:28 AM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


n a case of mistaken identity, I had a cop screaming for me to put my fucking hands in the air, and I just stood there blinking at his gun because I couldn't comprehend what was happening. My sister had to physically pull my hands up above my head. I can imagine that other people might react by getting intensely pissed off.

On the right day, when I have just had enough of everyone's shit, if someone were to pull a gun in me and make demands - be they robber or cop - I have a hard time seeing myself doing anything other than seething "fuck you" at them and going about whatever the hell I was doing. People do stupid shit sometimes, especially people who are pecked at all their lives until they snap (aka retail).

I'm so glad I don't live in America.
posted by Dysk at 11:35 AM on December 16, 2016 [13 favorites]


Dildos. Is there anything they can't do?
posted by SansPoint at 12:02 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


amy has seen some shit no doubt
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:12 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


This story would have been a lot less funny had the robber been committed to following through on bringing his gun.
posted by GuyZero at 12:28 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


The penis mightier...

...aaaaand dazed_one wins the internet today.
posted by Snowflake at 12:53 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


> This story would have been a lot less funny had the robber been committed to following through on bringing his gun.

True, but think of how much MORE funny it would have been had be brought his own dildo:

"They pull a dildo, you pull Hitachi Magic Wand. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue, where it takes the coroner two hours to surgically remove the smile from his face."
posted by mosk at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


The thing is, you don't know how you're going to react to having a gun pointed at you until it happens.

This. It drives me nuts that people (not necessarily mefites) sit back and judge what people do in a crisis. Everyone's brain works differently. Some of us freeze up. Some run. Some fight. Some laugh. Some run back into the burning building and save the dog. It's not about moral character. I wish it were. Really, we all need more training in how to react during a crisis. Experience is the best solution, I've read. But until we come up with some sort of plan for that, at least we can cut each other some slack when someone doesn't react perfectly when threatened with death.
posted by greermahoney at 1:08 PM on December 16, 2016 [16 favorites]


That looks like a Kmart-sized sex shop!

Orifice Depot
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [29 favorites]


Why is the video quality such crap? Not just here, but almost every time footage turns up?

I realize that cost is an issue, but it would be fairly cheap to add in enough DRAM for a two hour circular buffer with reasonable definition. As it is this footage is almost useless for identifying the suspect.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:09 PM on December 16, 2016


gine how mortified the robber would have been if they had cold cocked him.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:33 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


As it is this footage is almost useless for identifying the suspect.

Is he the one with the 6" circumference dent in his forehead?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:35 PM on December 16, 2016


When dildos are outlawed, only outlaws will have dildos.
posted by MtDewd at 3:12 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


The difference between punching someone in the dick vs. with a dick.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


The difference between punching someone in the dick vs. with a dick.

The one goes off half cocked?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:37 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


Why is the video quality such crap? Not just here, but almost every time footage turns up?

I realize that cost is an issue, but it would be fairly cheap to add in enough DRAM for a two hour circular buffer with reasonable definition. As it is this footage is almost useless for identifying the suspect.


Camera systems are pretty expensive, and while quality has been improving recently, it wasn't that great before. A lot of systems were put in years ago, and upgrading is really expensive, so they stay the way they are. Even if you do upgrade, it's very possible that you're going to just replace an antiquated or failing video recorder/monitor setup and leave the cameras alone. Installing or upgrading an entire system can easily cost 5 figures.

Yes, there are $99.99 systems on eBay and Amazon, but real professional setups cost a fortune. My workplace recently upgraded our camera system, and it cost a TON of money and is still not perfect, so I speak from experience.
posted by Slinga at 3:48 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


The thing is, you don't know how you're going to react to having a gun pointed at you until it happens.

In her voice-over the clerk says of the gun "it just didn't look right at all". She could have read it as an Airsoft or similar gun.

I know a friend of mine who has a large arsenal, often travels armed, and used to have a building in a bad part of town told me that if he really wanted to scare people around the building he'd pull out the paintball gun: People found looking down the ~.70 caliber barrel way scarier than, say, a .38 or even a .44 revolver, and the police response to its use was more likely laughter.

Or she could have just been reading him rather than the weapon, and gotten it right.
posted by straw at 3:50 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Catching a dick sure means different things to different people.
posted by datawrangler at 5:01 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


"But then I saw the gun and it was like, really? I don't have time for this."
...

"I think he was a coward," said the store's other employee. "Coming in and trying to get over on two females and not realizing that were pretty feisty."

I could never have imagined just how much snark and feisty-ness is in the sex industry until I had worked in it for a while and seen it simmering behind the scenes, just waiting to be unleashed upon the next person who fucks with us. Granted, I work at a strip club and not a sex shop, but I feel such kinship with these girls.

Next time I'm at work, I'm going to propose "Like, really? I don't have time for this" as the new slogan for our dressing room. And also that the bouncers chase off assholes by throwing dildos at them. (Because assholes get dildos! *Rim shot.*)
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 6:47 PM on December 16, 2016 [8 favorites]


I just enjoyed the heck out of these girls' reactions. Gun's pointed at her and she does a giant eye roll, is all, "I don't have time for this," and is clearly telling him off. Then the other takes aim. Delightful.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:42 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Dildos. Is there anything they can't do?

Vibrate?
posted by Pendragon at 2:12 AM on December 17, 2016


Some of them do that, too.
posted by ostranenie at 4:47 AM on December 17, 2016


I have trouble laughing at this because it could have gone from funny to tragic in a split second if he'd just pulled the trigger.
posted by jfwlucy at 5:55 AM on December 17, 2016


A lot of systems were put in years ago, and upgrading is really expensive, so they stay the way they are. Even if you do upgrade, it's very possible that you're going to just replace an antiquated or failing video recorder/monitor setup and leave the cameras alone. Installing or upgrading an entire system can easily cost 5 figures

Interesting. Thanks.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:16 PM on December 17, 2016


I have trouble laughing at this because it could have gone from funny to tragic in a split second if he'd just pulled the trigger.

I guess it depends on how certain she was that the gun was fake. Squirt guns are pretty clearly squirt guns from 10 feet away in a well lighted store.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:22 PM on December 17, 2016


You need Flash to watch this video.Sorry, your browser doesn't support Flash, needs a Flash update, or has Flash disabled.
Forget the ads: there's your "war crime" right there.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:59 PM on December 17, 2016


I've never smacked anyone in the face with a huge floppy dildo and I probably should get that done someday to check that off my bucket list.

en garde
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:30 PM on December 19, 2016


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