Zapp Lazerbeem (Second Baseman, Atlanta Braves, 92-99)
December 21, 2016 8:37 AM   Subscribe

David J. Roth asks: What are the most egregiously George-Lucas-ass names in baseball?

@crushingbort:
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
posted by Rustic Etruscan (64 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
This article is such a specific cross-section of interests that reading it made me feel less alone in the world.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:52 AM on December 21, 2016 [10 favorites]


I like Yonder Alonso because Alonso is itself a relatively common name in the wider world, and this gentleman's name comes with an indication of which particular Alonso you are discussing.

(disclaimer: this article made me smile but my amusement should not be construed as approval of classist/xenophobic name mockery should it arise, thank you for your time)
posted by Countess Elena at 8:57 AM on December 21, 2016 [11 favorites]


The NFL has much to give in this department as well. Whitney Mercilus and Barkevious Mingo are both actual football players.

Although to be honest both of those names are way better than anything Lucas would have come up with. The latter name, in particular, is both classier and more dangerous sounding than any name anyone ever came up with in the process of trying to rip off Robert E Howard.
posted by selfnoise at 8:58 AM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Xander Bogaerts, podrace champ of 93 North.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 8:59 AM on December 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


What is the most Van Halen-ass names in sports writing?
posted by bondcliff at 9:00 AM on December 21, 2016 [14 favorites]


I mean no mockery of these men btw, I genuinely love their names and wish I was half as cool.

And I just discovered there's also a Hughtavious Mingo and OH MY GOD
posted by selfnoise at 9:00 AM on December 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


It's not a George Lucas name, but that there's a player named Coco Crisp still amazes me.
posted by SansPoint at 9:01 AM on December 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


It feels very much like a chicken-egg scenario. If you give your sons these names, they are almost obligated to become baseball players.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:03 AM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Probably not for Lucas, but I vote Arquimedes Euclides Caminero to win everything.
posted by gladly at 9:06 AM on December 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Someone in that twitter thread mentions Wim Wenders, which is perfect, and now I'm thinking of the most George Lucas-ass names in Euro cinema

Milos Forman
Bela Tarr
Luc Besson
posted by theodolite at 9:09 AM on December 21, 2016 [9 favorites]


My family name certainly qualifies as Lucas-ass but my parents screwed it all up by naming me Andrew.
posted by Literaryhero at 9:11 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Coco Crisp is a Phantom-Menace-ass name, maybe?
posted by timdiggerm at 9:14 AM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Literaryhero: Don't be so sure. Remember, 1 in every 10 Star Wars names an inexplicably normal name with a Lucas-ass last name.
posted by SansPoint at 9:14 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


my parents screwed it all up by naming me Andrew

Just start spelling it with two o's.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:14 AM on December 21, 2016 [15 favorites]


A friend swears that he went to a minor league game where someone named Johnson Foot(e) was playing, and he was number 3, so the display dingus for him read 3 FOOT JOHNSON which seems excessive.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:17 AM on December 21, 2016 [16 favorites]


How did he miss Yu Darvish?
posted by kuanes at 9:20 AM on December 21, 2016 [12 favorites]


Better 3 FOOT than 2 SHEDS.
posted by wotsac at 9:20 AM on December 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Barkevious Mingo

Pencils down.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:21 AM on December 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


Personally I would've went with 'Darth Icky' on second base for the Braves in '92 but, hey, that's just me.
posted by George Lucas at 9:25 AM on December 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


There's some good ones in cycling, too...Axel Merckx is a pretty perfect bounty hunter name. Bradley Wiggins is a nearly perfect X-wing pilot name, and Lance Armstrong is pretty much an off-brand Luke Skywalker style name.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:26 AM on December 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


On a baseball website I follow, whenever our team gets a new player, we consider the anagrams you can get from their name. The best ones sometimes catch on as nicknames, and that's the story of Drab Jack Keglord.
posted by drezdn at 9:27 AM on December 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


This thread reminds me of this classic column.
posted by rikschell at 9:27 AM on December 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Rod Carew, Zoilo Versalles, Cesar Tovar, Butch Wynegar and the already mentioned Boof Bonser were all background characters at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
YES Twins-ist.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 9:30 AM on December 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Ryne Sandberg is right on the cusp of Lucasness and deserves a freebie "replace normal name suffix with verb-er." Ryne Sandkiller.

The NFL has much to give in this department as well.

Star Wars VIII better have an aimlessly shambling background droid named Gronk.
posted by knuckle tattoos at 9:31 AM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Someone in that twitter thread mentions Wim Wenders, which is perfect, and now I'm thinking of the most George Lucas-ass names in Euro cinema

So many Hungarian filmmaker names sound Lucas-ian. Nimrod Antal. Geza von Radvanyi. Benedek Fliegauf. Sándor Sára. Barna Kabay. Ferenc Kósa. Judit Elek. Attila Gigor. Can Togay.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:33 AM on December 21, 2016


the most George Lucas-ass names in Euro cinema

Jules Dassin
Chris Marker
Ermanno Olmi
Costa Gavras
Jan Kadar
posted by Iridic at 9:35 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


The NFL has much to give in this department as well. Whitney Mercilus and Barkevious Mingo are both actual football players.

and a personal favorite, Vontaze Burfict
posted by burgerrr at 9:36 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


The best ones sometimes catch on as nicknames, and that's the story of Drab Jack Keglord.

I went to college with a guy whose name anagrammed to Drab Normal. I think he was a spy.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:36 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Not a baseball player, but figure skater Tanith Belbin certainly qualifies as a Lucas-ass name in my book.
posted by briank at 9:38 AM on December 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Didn't we do this in 2012 with Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, and Newt Gingrich?
posted by a car full of lions at 9:40 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Red Sox have a few of them on the roster. Besides the aforementioned Xander Bogaerts, there's also Mookie Betts, Heath Hembree, and Bryce Brentz. For that matter, Redd Soxx would qualify too.

Also, Restoration-era playwrights, go: Aphra Behn.
posted by Quindar Beep at 9:44 AM on December 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Hockey feels like cheating here because of your easy access to Finnish names like Teemu Selanne and Jarkko Ruutu, but we also have Jordin Tootoo, Mitch Marner, Cam Fowler, and Bo Horvat.
posted by Copronymus at 9:49 AM on December 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


And Nino Niederreiter, can't believe I missed that one.
posted by Copronymus at 9:50 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ha'Sean Treshon "Ha Ha" Clinton-Dix is an entire Lucasian star system.
posted by jenkinsEar at 9:54 AM on December 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


I like to think that in A New Hope, Reince Priebus lets the Rebellion ship's escape pod go to Tatooine because there are no life forms on it.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:01 AM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Ha'Sean Treshon "Ha Ha" Clinton-Dix is an entire Lucasian star system.

Or if you stick to his proper name (which hardly seems fair, since everyone uses the nickname, but anyway), maybe the full title and style of the final king of a soon-to-be-deposed dynasty on a remote planet in the Dune universe.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 10:02 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


From the NFL, don't forget Olin Kruetz, Pisa Tinoisamoa, Tim Biakabutuka, and Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala.
posted by SisterHavana at 10:02 AM on December 21, 2016


Oh shit, I completely forgot about cycling!

Winner Anacona
Darwin Atapuma
Christian Knees
Lars Boom
Cadel Evans
posted by selfnoise at 10:03 AM on December 21, 2016


As for baseball, I submit Jeimer Candelerio, Koji Uehara, and Jake Arrieta from the Cubs.
posted by SisterHavana at 10:04 AM on December 21, 2016


NFL: Guido Merkens
posted by jim in austin at 10:06 AM on December 21, 2016


Ctrl-f Sicnarf Loopstok...

-- no results --

OK, this list is hot garbage.
posted by ursus_comiter at 10:07 AM on December 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Van Lingle Mungo is my fave baseball name. And there's a song (YouTube) to go with it. With (naturally) many other great baseball names in the lyrics. Van Lingle Mungo was a colorful character, too.
posted by young_simba at 10:11 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


And more hockey: Antti Raanta, Antti Niemi, Artem Anisimov, Brandon Saad, and Nikolai Khabibulin.
posted by SisterHavana at 10:13 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm not sure how you would classify this, but definitely lucas-named: Sidd Finch. Sort of a baseball player?
posted by jenkinsEar at 10:14 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


The AAA Memphis Redbirds just hired Stubby Clapp to be their new manager.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 10:19 AM on December 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Sal Bando
posted by e1c at 10:21 AM on December 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


I already called dibs on Tuukka Rask (of the Boston Bruins) to be my next cat's name.
posted by bobobox at 10:32 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Rod Carew, Zoilo Versalles, Cesar Tovar, Butch Wynegar and the already mentioned Boof Bonser were all background characters at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
YES Twins-ist.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage


Well, if we're reaching back into the past let me give you the Lucas-Ass Detroit Tigers Crew: Lance Parrish, Steve Sparks, Virgil Trucks, Barbaro Garbey (still a great name to say out loud - just pleasing off the tongue), Skeeter Barnes, Buddy Groom, Storm Davis, Erick Aybar (#ItsATrap), Prince Fielder, Urbano Lugo, Rusty Staub and Champ Summers
posted by GamblingBlues at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2016


OH GOD. When I saw the FPP title I was at first horrified that Lazerbeem might have died! Glad to hear he's OK.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:35 AM on December 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Oh, and non-Tiger Dickie Thon. And not because it fits but because we should #NeverForget, Rusty Kuntz.
posted by GamblingBlues at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2016


Assuming people know about this?

(My contribution some years ago was a New Haven police officer named Manmeet Colon.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:40 AM on December 21, 2016


Man, that twet was just plain lazy ass nonsense. If you're gonna do baseball names, spend a couple minutes checking out some of the wonder that exists in organized ball, don't just grab a few off the top and call it a day. Here's just a few of the many missed.

Yeyson Yrizarri, Beamer Weems, Rock Shoulders, Rougned Odor, Melky Mesa, Aaron Attaway, Jabari Blash, Touki Toussaint, Didimo Bracho, Yeudi Grullon, Nigel Nootbaar, Nik Nowottnick, Christian Turnipseed, Yankory Pimentel, Sicnarf Loopstok, Jair Jurrjens, Raph Rhymes, Joey Pankake, Eudis Idrogo, Cheslor Cuthbert, Kramer Sneed, Gage Green, Viosergy Rosa, Cody Poteet, Ivan Nova, Icezack Flemming, Rangel Ravelo, Jonny Drozd, Jesen Dygstile-Therrien, Venn Biter, Grenny Cumana, Gandy Stubblefield, Julsan Kamara, Montana DuRapau, Al Alburquerque, Keon Broxton, Dovydas Neverauskas, Oderman Rocha, Kawika Emsley-Pai, Xavier Scruggs, Kenny Peoples-Walls, Magneuris Sierra, Max Foody, Odrisamer Despaigne, Jedd Gyorko, Yonder Alonso, Yimmi Brasoban, Deiyerbert Bolivar, Ryan Dull
posted by gusottertrout at 10:57 AM on December 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


Man, that twet was just plain lazy ass nonsense. If you're gonna do baseball names, spend a couple minutes checking out some of the wonder that exists in organized ball, don't just grab a few off the top and call it a day.

I mean, he only had 140 characters, so I don't think it was intended to be an exhaustive list. Also some of the names you list are mentioned either in the tweet itself or the article he wrote afterwards.
posted by Copronymus at 11:02 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Drungo Larue Hazewood.

Also Doug "Eyechart" Gwosdz, who had the best nickname ever.
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 11:08 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I mean, he only had 140 characters, so I don't think it was intended to be an exhaustive list. Also some of the names you list are mentioned either in the tweet itself or the article he wrote afterwards.

Yeah, I know, the limits of tweeting, or tweting I guess as I had it. Just giving a little grief for the form. Too much a fan of good names to let it go by without snarking a little at the missed opportunities.
posted by gusottertrout at 11:21 AM on December 21, 2016


Yeyson Yrizarri, Beamer Weems, Rock Shoulders, Rougned Odor, Melky Mesa, Aaron Attaway, Jabari Blash, Touki Toussaint, Didimo Bracho, Yeudi Grullon, Nigel Nootbaar, Nik Nowottnick, Christian Turnipseed, Yankory Pimentel, Sicnarf Loopstok, Jair Jurrjens, Raph Rhymes, Joey Pankake, Eudis Idrogo, Cheslor Cuthbert, Kramer Sneed, Gage Green, Viosergy Rosa, Cody Poteet, Ivan Nova, Icezack Flemming, Rangel Ravelo, Jonny Drozd, Jesen Dygstile-Therrien, Venn Biter, Grenny Cumana, Gandy Stubblefield, Julsan Kamara, Montana DuRapau, Al Alburquerque, Keon Broxton, Dovydas Neverauskas, Oderman Rocha, Kawika Emsley-Pai, Xavier Scruggs, Kenny Peoples-Walls, Magneuris Sierra, Max Foody, Odrisamer Despaigne, Jedd Gyorko, Yonder Alonso, Yimmi Brasoban, Deiyerbert Bolivar, Ryan Dull

Not all odd names are Lucas names. But yeah you've got a few more in there I mean Beamer Fucking Weems.

Jabari Blash, Jair Jurrjens and Max Foody are obviously also cantina denizens. Iván Nova will be the protagonist of the 2020 installment.
posted by atoxyl at 11:27 AM on December 21, 2016


posted by ursus_comiter, et al
This is also a pretty Mefi-username-ass list.
posted by klausman at 11:33 AM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


This just reminds me of how much I miss Key & Peele. (I know they're still around--fuck you, 2016! You can't have these!--but not as the act.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:54 AM on December 21, 2016


The complete 2016 NHL All-Star lineup is pretty good phonetically, but could use some creative respelling:
Patrice Bergeron - Patri Spurjeron
Jamie Benn - Jaaii Meebenn
Jaromir Jagr - as is
Matt Duchene - Mat Dooshayn
Leo Komarov - Liokom Arof
Patrick Kane - Patt Rikayn
Dylan Larkin - Diil Inlarkin
Tyler Seguin - Tile Ursegwin
Ryan O'Reilly - Riano Rilee
Vladimir Tarasenko - Vla Demeertaaraasen Ko
Steven Stamkos - Stee Ven Stamkos
Jonathan Toews - Jaanaa Thantoos
Aaron Ekblad - as is
Dustin Byfuglien - as is
Erik Karlsson - Er Ikkarlssonn
Roman Josi - as is
P.K. Subban - Peekay Subban
Shea Weber - as is, but pronounced Shee-uh Wee-burr
Ben Bishop - Benbi Shup
Devan Dubnyk - as is
Roberto Luongo - Raabur Toluonngo
Pekka Rinne - as is
Nicklas Backstrom - Nikklaasbaax Truumm
Johnny Gaudreau - Jaanee Godro
Claude Giroux - Klaa'd Jeeroo
Taylor Hall - Taler Haal
Evgeni Malkin - Evgen Imalkin
Joe Pavelski - Jopa Velski
Alex Ovechkin - as is
Corey Perry - Ko Riperiee
Brandon Saad - Brandin Saad
John Scott - Jonsk Aat
John Tavares - Johnt Avares
Daniel Sedin - Daan Yelsedin
Justin Faulk - as is
Brent Burns - Brenntt Burnnss
Kris Letang - as is
Drew Doughty - Drood Owtee
Ryan McDonagh - Rianmik Donaa
Mark Giordano - Maar Kjoordaano
Braden Holtby - as is
John Gibson - Jaang Ibsyyn
Cory Schneider - Koreesh Nider
Jonathan Quick - Jaanaathynk Wyk
posted by Sys Rq at 12:06 PM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Oh, how did I ever forget about the ultimate NFL Lucas name: Akbar Gbaja-Biamila! (He even has a weekly "It's a Trap" segment on NFL Fantasy Live on Sunday mornings.)
posted by SisterHavana at 12:39 PM on December 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Jadeveon Clowney
posted by Rhomboid at 2:17 PM on December 21, 2016


Jaquiski Tartt
Arismendy Alcantara
Jharel Cotton
Jamize Olawale

Jaff Decker would be perfect, but apprently it's pronounced "Jeff."
posted by clorox at 2:24 PM on December 21, 2016


And Kole Calhoun is for sure a Y-Wing pilot.
posted by clorox at 2:56 PM on December 21, 2016


This humorous YouTube video explains how to make up your own starwars names.

https://youtu.be/3ViKvHkNyqE
posted by nihlton at 7:12 PM on December 21, 2016


« Older The physics of melanin; the joy of colors   |   Is YouTube changing how young children act and see... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments