"MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”
December 31, 2016 10:37 PM   Subscribe

 
Who knew x-rays could resolve the colored stripes on a candy cane.
posted by ryanrs at 10:43 PM on December 31, 2016 [8 favorites]


Each of these, of course, tells a very abbreviated story, but I want to know more about the "dog's paw" under "ear." A live dog's paw? Still attached to the dog? How large a dog? Front or back paw? How was the patient(s) transported? How, no why, did it happen? I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep....
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:50 PM on December 31, 2016 [15 favorites]


“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

Son ...
posted by Countess Elena at 10:53 PM on December 31, 2016 [9 favorites]


“ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”

Sweet buttery Jesus.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:59 PM on December 31, 2016 [30 favorites]


[more inside]

Indeed.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:04 PM on December 31, 2016 [66 favorites]


WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM

How did our kitchen junk drawer get into this individual?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:07 PM on December 31, 2016 [29 favorites]


somehow the detail of the "broken" part of the 10 broken crayons delights me

rectum? damn near broke em!
posted by barchan at 11:08 PM on December 31, 2016 [15 favorites]


Is this the point where I mention launching a Kickstarter to get me another MetaFilter shirt because, well, you know...
posted by Samizdata at 11:11 PM on December 31, 2016


Countess Elena: "“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

Son ...
"

I gave myself a split lip with a Japanese Dangard Ace toy when I was lying on back flying it (in spacecraft mode... DUH!) over my face...
posted by Samizdata at 11:12 PM on December 31, 2016


imagine playing charades with this list
posted by barchan at 11:13 PM on December 31, 2016 [14 favorites]


Scroll down to the bottom of article

"Previously in rectums"
posted by ckape at 11:13 PM on December 31, 2016 [7 favorites]


Mind you, I was quite a bit younger at the time...
posted by Samizdata at 11:13 PM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]


Obligatory theme song.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:15 PM on December 31, 2016


“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

One in a million shot, doc!
posted by dirigibleman at 11:17 PM on December 31, 2016


PUT A BOUNCY BALL IN HER VAGINA, IT’S STUCK, WAS MASTURBATING

Refreshingly direct and honest.
posted by atoxyl at 11:17 PM on December 31, 2016 [9 favorites]


The gentleman that swallowed a toothpick, but specified he was able to finish his sandwich, is my hero. That's commitment.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:18 PM on December 31, 2016 [20 favorites]


The one that's puzzling me is the USB adapter in vagina - I mean you can get a dongle for USB to anything these days, but this one I hadn't heard of before.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:46 PM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]


Dr Dracator: "The one that's puzzling me is the USB adapter in vagina - I mean you can get a dongle for USB to anything these days, but this one I hadn't heard of before."

5 volts of tingly goodness? She couldn't be separated from her phone?

Yeah, I got nothing (although I think the first is not improbable, actually).
posted by Samizdata at 11:48 PM on December 31, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ghostride The Whip: "The gentleman that swallowed a toothpick, but specified he was able to finish his sandwich, is my hero. That's commitment."

No, his sandwich was the hero.
posted by Samizdata at 11:48 PM on December 31, 2016 [41 favorites]


“ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”

This guy needs to post a video of what a successful medication session looks like.
posted by edeezy at 12:37 AM on January 1 [10 favorites]


Rectum
• DECORATIVE PUMPKIN


I'll say, ain't nobody using that one for a pie.
posted by jamaro at 12:55 AM on January 1 [5 favorites]


There are USB-powered vibrators, apparently. But an adapter? Perhaps we have an early technology adopter on our hands here ...
posted by oheso at 12:58 AM on January 1


Sorry Mom
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:13 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]


A full sized bowling pin?
posted by Literaryhero at 1:31 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]


A very good friend of mine used tho date an emergency room surgeon, and one evening he told us about all the excuses he had heard concerning this very subject while on duty in the ER. By far the most common excuse was 'I was getting ready to take a shower and I fell and landed ass first on _______'
Apparently a lot of people store individual light bulbs in their shower. Precariously balanced light bulbs. Who knew?
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 1:59 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]


Some of the less common excuses:
- smuggling pre-ban incandescents
- firefly halloween costume
- didn't have a potato
- my kink is going to the ER
posted by ryanrs at 2:29 AM on January 1 [17 favorites]


From the 2014 list:

VAGINA:
"A LARGE AMOUNT OF SAND"

I mean... define "A large amount"
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 2:35 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]


5 volts of tingly goodness?

I was puzzled by this one at first, but yeah, I think you've got it - improv e-stim everywhere.
posted by howfar at 2:51 AM on January 1


The ass box.
posted by Paul Slade at 3:33 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]


Now inhale somewhat forcefully and pull all that energy up from the deep red root center, through the orange sexual/regenerative center, and up and through the yellow power plexus, and the green heart level, and into your throat area, which is a beautiful blue color.

If you're having trouble pulling on this energy emanating from your root chakra, don't be afraid to help things along with the Ceremonial Lamp 110/120v 750w E40/GES. That's a 150 mm diameter GLS bulb with the toughened glass.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:06 AM on January 1 [10 favorites]


I feel like I enjoyed this much more than I should have. Ooh!!!
posted by hoodrich at 4:52 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]


I mean... define "A large amount"

Enough to be featured in a Deadspin year-end listicle.
posted by ryanrs at 5:49 AM on January 1


“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

Son ...


ITYM Ralph ...
posted by tocts at 6:12 AM on January 1


A lot of this makes me sad. We have so much humiliation about sex. Also the one where the student was held down and had sequins poured into their throat in art class was horrific.
posted by biggreenplant at 6:23 AM on January 1 [11 favorites]


Finally, a proper recap of 2016.
posted by indubitable at 6:34 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]


Who knew x-rays could resolve the colored stripes on a candy cane.

I didn't know, but I think I can explain how this is the case. The videos in this post talk about how white hard candy is made white not by adding a dye but by stretching so as to introduce millions of tiny air bubbles which refract the light. White hard candy is essentially a foam.

I'd bet that the x-ray is picking up not the color of the stripes but the difference in density between the red and the white candy that make up the cane.
posted by gauche at 7:12 AM on January 1 [12 favorites]


Johnny is the best.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:36 AM on January 1


I transcribed for a HEENT (head, eye, ear, nose, throat) physician for years. She treated many pediatric cases and had a dry sense of humor, and scribing her op notes was a delight.

A couple of favorites: "Patient is three year old female whose mother describes a foul smell. With mother aiding in stabilizing patient I introduced lidocaine spray, then inserted my scope to find one mung bean in the left sinus, which I removed using forceps. It had sprouted." Another: "Patient is brought in by mother; male four-year-old denies insertion of object but continues to bother his nose, which runs. [after insertion of scope] I viewed a small plastic soldier in the patient's nasal cavity which appeared to be infantry, and armed. This was carefully removed without incident."
posted by kinnakeet at 7:47 AM on January 1 [53 favorites]


I like how as you move down the body, the implied age of the person increases. But every now and then there was one that would catch me picturing a wrong-ish age person. "Mom noted rubber hand" from the title of the post was one of those. I had to rapidly age down the picture in my mind but I'll never fully unsee it.

The son of one of my friends once freaked her out (he was maybe 3) by proudly showing her his penis, which was entirely flattened at the tip as if it had been hit squarely by a hammer. Once she calmed down, in part by realizing that he wasn't acting like he was hurt or alarmed, she discovered that he'd put a nickel in his foreskin.
posted by Orlop at 7:48 AM on January 1 [15 favorites]


Finally, a proper recap of 2016.

I dunno. For a perfect summary of 2016, I want to hear about the removal, from someone's butt, of Chuck Tingle's mangnum opus Pounded In The Butt By My Book "Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt." Possibly stored on a USB drive.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:04 AM on January 1 [11 favorites]


I think it needs to be the removal of the book Pounded in the Butt by the removal of the book "Pounded in the Butt by My Book "Pounded in the Butt by My Book 'Pounded in the Butt by My Book "Pounded in the Butt by My Book 'Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt'"'" from my Butt"" from someone's Butt, again, probably on a usb stick.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 8:50 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]


2016: Infinite Rectal Recursion
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:13 AM on January 1 [7 favorites]


Oh there's a little clip involving an elephant trending on the b3ta.com popular links section right now, but am I going to post it here? No, no, no.
posted by lagomorphius at 9:59 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]


WHATS THE BIG DEAL IVE HAD LOTS OF SCREWS IN VAGINAS

oh, not that kind
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:08 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]


The ones that are openly admitted sexytimes misfires should be omitted. I mean, if you go through 10-50 dildos a year, at least one of them is going to of substandard quality. The more you try for verisimilitude in the little clit bunny extensions and cutesy animals, the more you are asking for trouble, silicone just isn't that forgiving. Buy quality -- there is no free lunch when it comes to discount dildos. And don't even get me started on the fading quality standards of cock rings.

Get off my dildo festooned lawn.
posted by benzenedream at 10:08 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]


but am I going to post it here? No, no, no.

You baby.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:11 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]


Apparently a lot of people store individual light bulbs in their shower. Precariously balanced light bulbs. Who knew?

Rectal light bulbs are common enough that there is actually a published method for removing them without breaking them into shards of glass, involving encasing them with a plaster of Paris enema. A lot of other things on the list are actually pretty common. Among the more interesting things I have helped retrieve over the years are a toilet bolt cover (which was actually kind of hard as it was stuck to the back of the child's tongue like a suction cup) and a teenager who managed to inhale his grill, which was sitting right at his vocal cords. More tragically, we saw a toddler a couple of years ago who inhaled a chunk of broken glass from a beer bottle, fatally obstructing his trachea. Other life-threatening ingestions that many people aren't aware of include disc batteries and magnets.
posted by TedW at 10:40 AM on January 1 [6 favorites]


- my kink is going to the ER

Well, you can run into the ultimate guy in our ER
posted by TedW at 10:45 AM on January 1


“SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”

Waving is going to make me giggle for at least a week. 🙋
posted by maryr at 10:57 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]


Parental guide:
  • Ages below puberty: Don't knock, investigate any silence (or giggling from child's room if there are friends present)
  • Ages where kid is likely to be rubbing one out: Always knock, and for the love of god actually pause for "Just a minute! Jesus, can't I spend any time alone! I was just reading!" before entering room.
posted by maxwelton at 11:08 AM on January 1 [5 favorites]


People ask me why I don't miss junior high and high school:
"“HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”"
posted by doctornemo at 11:09 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]


I feel for the girl with the anal fissure, I've had one, they're no fun.

Wish we were a lot better about sex in this society, too. Some enterprising manufacturer needs to come up with a line of hairbrushes, toothbrushes and other "normal" everyday things which area actually safe sex toys on their handle ends. Those things are going to be used anyway, and if we're not going to get the kids safe things that are explicitly for the purpose, we should at least have a way for them to get things which aren't dangerous.
posted by maxwelton at 11:12 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]


Just so it appears on the wiki:

Metafilter: Get off my dildo festooned lawn.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:15 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]


Welcome to healthcare in Trump's America after they kill off the ACA and Medicare!

“ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”

Sweet buttery Jesus.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:59 AM

posted by bitter-girl.com at 11:26 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]


I take melatonin. Should I be worried?
posted by Splunge at 11:27 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]


This is a short story:
"“USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”"
posted by doctornemo at 11:30 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]


For Sale: Vaginal Vibrator, Never Used
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:09 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: we fell on it in the shower
posted by thelonius at 12:25 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]


I have no idea how these people got their [x] wedged into their [y], or why.
posted by bibliowench at 2:22 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]


Ages where kid is likely to be rubbing one out: Always knock, and for the love of god actually pause for "Just a minute! Jesus, can't I spend any time alone! I was just reading!" before entering room.

No, no, don't get anywhere near the door. Just yell from the bottom of the staircase or down the hallway or, y'know, the neighbour's yard. Never risk overhearing anything that might put any sort of indelible mark in your mind.
posted by VioletU at 6:00 PM on January 1


Ages where kid is likely to be rubbing one out

A friend of mine referred to this time as the "crusty sock years," and I really, really wish I could forget that she did so.
posted by bibliowench at 6:11 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]


The trick isn't just to find a passion, but to find a way to make a living pursuing it.
posted by ~ at 6:13 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]


maxwelton: Some enterprising manufacturer needs to come up with a line of hairbrushes, toothbrushes and other "normal" everyday things which area actually safe sex toys on their handle ends.

There are multiple things designed for this purpose! There's a cheap adapter top for electric toothbrushes, for one example, which removes damage that might be done by bristles while letting people have plausible deniability since all it involves is switching the head.
posted by E. Whitehall at 12:04 AM on January 2


a plaster of Paris enema.

Out of the frying pan, etc.
posted by ryanrs at 3:47 AM on January 2


OK, I just googled "plaster of paris enema," because why not? Here are some highlights.


Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix. Includes pic of the extracted concrete casting.


Rectal Foreign Bodies: What Is the Current Standard? Great article with a noteworthy stat:

The mean age at presentation is 44 years, but ranges from 20 to over 90 with a decidedly higher proportion of male patients (17–37:1).

I suppose we all suspected men were more likely to put strange things in their butts than women, but 37:1 is quite remarkable.
posted by ryanrs at 7:02 AM on January 2 [5 favorites]


You're my new hero, ryanrs.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:27 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]


Includes pic of the extracted concrete casting.

You left out the best part: A layer of concrete was chipped off the upper part of the specimen and revealed a white plastic ping-pong ball.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:30 AM on January 2


MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM

Surely what Mom would notice is a rubber hand protruding from anus?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:33 AM on January 2


"The one that's puzzling me is the USB adapter in vagina - I mean you can get a dongle for USB to anything these days, but this one I hadn't heard of before."

A Kegel-charger?

(trying not to check Kickstarter to see whether one's already been proposed...)
posted by cheshyre at 11:53 AM on January 2


You might be interested in this post.
posted by Mitheral at 7:56 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]


Huh. I missed this related post.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:14 PM on January 4


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