Pornhub’s 2016 Year in Review
January 6, 2017 9:50 AM   Subscribe

Last week, we had our 2016 report on what people stuffed up their bums, and what sorts of medical attention they needed to help fish those items out. This week, Pornhub.com is out with their annual deep data dive into the many ways that Pornhub content was accessed by Pornhub users, and what sorts of things those users preferred (and/or did not prefer). And say what you will about 2016: despite many, many other worthy distractions, people streamed an unbelievable amount of porn from Pornhub last year.

From the last link, the raw numbers are rather staggering:
2016 was a busy year for Pornhub users. Nearly 92 billion videos were watched over the course of 23 billion visits to the site by many millions of very horny visitors. That’s 64 million visitors per day, or 44,000 every minute. Collectively, that’s 4.6 billion hours of porn watching stuffed into just one year. To break it down really quickly, in order to deliver that volume of free porn, our servers streamed 99 Gigabytes of data every second. To help put this into perspective, try to picture the size of a 16GB USB stick. Now imagine 194 million USB sticks, spanning 11,000km (6800 miles) from end to end; or around the entire circumference of the moon.
Link NSFW due to sex-related search terms and categories; no NSFW images as far as I can tell. Oh, and link resides on the pornhub.com domain name, which may be a deal breaker for many at work.
posted by mosk (180 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite


 
Overwatch: slightly more popular than anal.
posted by Nelson at 9:53 AM on January 6, 2017 [8 favorites]


And say what you will about 2016: despite many, many other worthy distractions, people streamed an unbelievable amount of porn from Pornhub last year.

You say "despite", I say "because"...
posted by Etrigan at 9:53 AM on January 6, 2017 [31 favorites]


Oh, fellow gamers, is there nothing you can't make creepy?
posted by tocts at 9:54 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


that’s 4.6 billion hours of porn watching stuffed into just one year

I see what they did there.
posted by briank at 9:58 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Good god but this is a planet of masturbating zoo-chimps.
posted by Captain l'escalier at 10:01 AM on January 6, 2017 [20 favorites]


Puzzled by the popularity of "footjob" in Italy and "futanari" in Russia. Like, sure, ok, both reasonable things to be into, but why there of all places?
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:04 AM on January 6, 2017


And I don't really feel like googling this, but why is 'giantess' the fastest climber in the UK?
posted by Huck500 at 10:05 AM on January 6, 2017


Oh, fellow gamers, is there nothing you can't make creepy?

It's Rule 34 in action. Rule 34 gets a lot of action.
posted by nubs at 10:05 AM on January 6, 2017 [9 favorites]


Do they have a section on Joshua Micah Marshall's viewing habits?
posted by asterix at 10:07 AM on January 6, 2017 [13 favorites]


I don't know if you're asking, but "giantess" literally refers to giant woman and / or tiny men. There's a lot of it on youtube since it's often not traditionally NSFW (although still unmistakably sexual).
posted by dilaudid at 10:09 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Puzzled by the popularity of "footjob" in Italy and "futanari" in Russia.

Oh dear God. "Russia" and "futinari" just triggered a Rule 34 I didn't know I had.
posted by maxsparber at 10:12 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


If you think about it long enough, EVERY Rule 34 is a Rule 34 you didn't know you had.
posted by hippybear at 10:15 AM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


I know I'm old but a porn site being so upfront with its data still strikes me as surprising.
posted by tommasz at 10:15 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Can anyone explain the apparent popularity of the 4pm wank break?
posted by emilyw at 10:17 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


That's school getting done for the day.
posted by Shutter at 10:18 AM on January 6, 2017 [46 favorites]


...that’s 4.6 billion hours of porn watching stuffed into just one year

Wow. It seemed like only 3.2 billion.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:19 AM on January 6, 2017 [24 favorites]


...and "futanari" in Russia. Like, sure, ok, both reasonable things to be into, but why there of all places?

My suspicion: a popular futanari adaptation of Gogol's "The Nose."
posted by griphus at 10:22 AM on January 6, 2017 [13 favorites]


That's school getting done for the day.

Kids are so damn lucky. I had to come home from school, flip on MTV, and wait for Never by Heart to come on.
posted by bondcliff at 10:22 AM on January 6, 2017 [38 favorites]


That seven place leap for Japan in the Top Traffic measure is pretty impressive.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:24 AM on January 6, 2017


MetaFilter: Not traditionally NSFW although still unmistakably sexual
posted by griphus at 10:25 AM on January 6, 2017 [37 favorites]


Can anyone explain the apparent popularity of the 4pm wank break?

I'm confused by the question. What needs explaining?
posted by nickmark at 10:25 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Why would anybody stop wanking for an hour at 4pm?
posted by maxsparber at 10:26 AM on January 6, 2017 [55 favorites]


Adults would typically be at work at 4PM, but as described above, it's likely school getting out.
posted by codacorolla at 10:27 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


It seems that everyone over the age of 45 is looking for ‘MILF’ porn the most. Our middle age viewers are also searching for ‘step mom’ and ‘lesbian’content in high amounts, while our seniors (65 and up), are more into ‘granny’ porn than their younger counter parts.
Yet more proof that representation matters.

maxsparber: "Why would anybody stop for an hour at 4pm?"

Usually they are only stopping for ten or so minutes; according to the data.
posted by Mitheral at 10:27 AM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


Sad.
posted by maxsparber at 10:28 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


I wonder how many businesses who support some sort of video streaming as part of their business (ie. EdX, local news stations, ESPN, etc.) would jump at the chance to signup if porn companies licensed their video hosting architecture as a platform service.
posted by bl1nk at 10:34 AM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


I looked at these data. I was interested, then very interested, then VERY interested, and then suddenly I lost interest.
posted by murphy slaw at 10:40 AM on January 6, 2017 [12 favorites]


Kids are so damn lucky. I had to come home from school, flip on MTV, and wait for Never by Heart to come on.

All we had was The Gong Show.
posted by lagomorphius at 10:41 AM on January 6, 2017 [10 favorites]


How long before the newly engorged Republican majority emulates the British Conservatives and tries to ban porn? That would take the air out of the alt right.
posted by Bee'sWing at 10:43 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


All we had was The Gong Show.

And there's that Chuck Barris Rule 34 that nobody in this thread except lagomorphius had ever contemplated before RIGHT NOW.
posted by hippybear at 10:44 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


All we had was The Gong Show.

Sometimes that was more than enough.
posted by delfin at 10:45 AM on January 6, 2017 [25 favorites]


Why are we assuming that everybody is wanking to all this? Maybe some people are reading the articles?
posted by signal at 10:48 AM on January 6, 2017 [19 favorites]


I'm still trying to figure out who the hell actually 1.) Joins a porn site, and then, 2.) Provides true personal data. A better way to look at the age/sex breakdowns is "this is how people using this site represented themselves" and not "this is an accurate picture of who uses this site."
posted by Thorzdad at 10:49 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


incest porn shouldn't be this high on the list, given what i thought i know about the psychosexual tendencies of the average american. like isn't that deeply fringe and taboo?
posted by vogon_poet at 10:50 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm still trying to figure out who the hell actually 1.) Joins a porn site

People who want to save favorites.

2.) Provides true personal data.

People who don't think "male, white, 34 years old, from Chicago" can identify them.
posted by Etrigan at 10:51 AM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


Some of the search term lists sound incredible when they run on from one another, like the most gained list for the Netherlands: "360 degrees virtual reality rub and tug lubed farting".
posted by terretu at 10:51 AM on January 6, 2017 [6 favorites]


If you are not paying for it, you're not the customer; you're the cartoon lesbian step mom being scissored.
posted by beerperson at 10:52 AM on January 6, 2017 [19 favorites]


Now imagine 194 million USB sticks, spanning 11,000km (6800 miles) from end to end; or around the entire circumference of the moon.

Naturally they had to describe it in terms of length and girth.
posted by Kabanos at 10:53 AM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


I'm still trying to figure out who the hell actually 1.) Joins a porn site

You have to take this a step further. Who comments on the videos on porn sites?
posted by Fizz at 10:58 AM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


> "like isn't that deeply fringe and taboo?"

Fantasy and reality can have a wide separation.
posted by kyrademon at 11:00 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Oh dear God. "Russia" and "futinari" just triggered a Rule 34 I didn't know I had.

Putinari?
posted by zippy at 11:01 AM on January 6, 2017 [35 favorites]


All we had was The Gong Show.

In an amazing coincidence, The "P" in Jaye P. Morgan was for "Pornhub. "
posted by bondcliff at 11:02 AM on January 6, 2017


incest porn shouldn't be this high on the list, given what i thought i know about the psychosexual tendencies of the average american. like isn't that deeply fringe and taboo?

Yeah, that's why people look for it on PornHub.
posted by Etrigan at 11:02 AM on January 6, 2017 [17 favorites]


In a few years the numbers are going to be so massive that we'll have a complete understanding of dark matter. Dark matter is simply a porn cache belonging to the elder civs.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 11:02 AM on January 6, 2017 [11 favorites]


Dark matter porn should be categorized as "interspacial".
posted by chavenet at 11:06 AM on January 6, 2017 [17 favorites]


You have to take this a step further. Who comments on the videos on porn sites?

Based on comments I have seen: Spammers, sex workers, and people saying "Waht is her name?"
posted by maxsparber at 11:07 AM on January 6, 2017 [13 favorites]


Who comments on the videos on porn sites?

Someone who needs to know her name, 95% of the time.
posted by griphus at 11:08 AM on January 6, 2017 [16 favorites]


goddammit max
posted by griphus at 11:08 AM on January 6, 2017 [14 favorites]


[obnoxiously loud intro logo]
posted by uncleozzy at 11:10 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Dark matter is simply a porn cache belonging to the elder civs.

To which they'll declare "I dunno how that got there!"
posted by Thorzdad at 11:12 AM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


maxsparber: " You have to take this a step further. Who comments on the videos on porn sites?

Based on comments I have seen: Spammers, sex workers, and people saying "Waht is her name?"
"

Seriously, though, without PornHub, how am I to know how to get a bigger dick to pleasure that incall girl who's name I forgot?
posted by Samizdata at 11:13 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Someone who needs to know her name, 95% of the time.

Which is funny because usually if you just wait for the credits, not only is everyone from the production named, but there are often amusing scenes post-credits like bloopers or sequel set-ups with Samuel L Jackson
posted by beerperson at 11:13 AM on January 6, 2017 [6 favorites]


goddammit max

You phrased it funnier than I did.
posted by maxsparber at 11:14 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Based on comments I have seen: Spammers, sex workers, and people saying "Waht is her name?"

Let's go even further. The people who correct the grammar and spelling mistakes of people who comment on PornHub.
posted by Fizz at 11:14 AM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


You have to take this a step further. Who comments on the videos on porn sites?


Only tangentially related, but my favorite thing right now is reading comments on Crunchyroll by people complaining that the exercise tips on Anime de Training! aren't actually giving them a very good workout.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:15 AM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


If ever there were an industry that needs to start using https.
posted by roll truck roll at 11:15 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


he people who correct the grammar and spelling mistakes of people who comment on PornHub.

That's why I post my college papers there.

Kidding. I'm not in college and those papers are actually stick drawings of what I think, wrongly, sex looks like.
posted by maxsparber at 11:15 AM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:16 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Joey Michaels: "Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?"

Could be. Or you could find the thing that consumes your life for the next three months. Only you can answer that question.
posted by Samizdata at 11:17 AM on January 6, 2017 [16 favorites]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?

No more than if you Google "tentacle sex".
posted by Thorzdad at 11:17 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?

You might be surprised and discover something new about yourself. Life is an adventure. Click on that futanari tag and see where it takes you.
posted by Fizz at 11:18 AM on January 6, 2017 [12 favorites]


stick drawings

so to speak
posted by beerperson at 11:18 AM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


roll truck roll: "If ever there were an industry that needs to start using https.
"

To prevent the man-in-the-middle attacks?
posted by signal at 11:18 AM on January 6, 2017 [26 favorites]


Googling it is one thing, but my guess is doing a Google Image Search would be the real palace of regrets.
posted by Ber at 11:19 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


I had to come home from school, flip on MTV, and wait for Never by Heart to come on.

I had to sneak off into the woods, cover most of my upper body with cellophane tape and dig five small holes in the ground.
posted by CynicalKnight at 11:19 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Oh, fellow gamers, is there nothing you can't make creepy?

PornHub: It was fine until the gamers came along and made it creepy.
posted by straight at 11:19 AM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?

Come on. It's just pseudo-hermaphrodism, generally involving women wearing surprisingly convincing but enormous false genitalia.

Perhaps I have said too much.
posted by maxsparber at 11:19 AM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


Which is funny because usually if you just wait for the credits

Porn has credits? I've er, never waited around for them.
posted by bondcliff at 11:21 AM on January 6, 2017


Perhaps I have said too much.

No, I haven't. Enormous doesn't do justice to the size of the fake genitalia. We're talking, like, baseball bat sized. Tree trunk sized. And the women often seem surprised by it, as though it were the sort of thing you could not notice you have.
posted by maxsparber at 11:22 AM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


Come on. It's just pseudo-hermaphrodism, generally involving women wearing surprisingly convincing but enormous false genitalia.

This saves me from googling it, but that's nowhere near as horrific as I imagined it might be.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:22 AM on January 6, 2017


No, I haven't. Enormous doesn't do justice to the size of the fake genitalia. We're talking, like, baseball bat sized.

There's a picture floating around of a young Nick Offerman with a giant, very realistic-looking fake penis. It's one of my favorite things on the internet.
posted by bondcliff at 11:23 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


This saves me from googling it...

My friend can I suggest that this saves you ... for googling it.
posted by griphus at 11:24 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Our middle age viewers are also searching for ‘step mom’ and ‘lesbian’content in high amounts, while our seniors (65 and up), are more into ‘granny’ porn than their younger counter parts

1. As a relatively newly minted grandmother, I find the existence of granny porn oddly comforting.

2. There are at least two things referred to that are new to me (Overwatch? Futanari?) that I'm afraid to Google.

3. I want zippy's Putanari to be a real thing that is Putin in Japanese rope bondage + predicament bondage in which he's lying on train tracks, a locomotive is coming his way, and he won't make it off the tracks in time. Ideally with Mr. Orange and Mr. Pence right next to him. Apparently I'm into non-erotic revenge porn. Is there a word for that? Yeah, I know: Democrat.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:24 AM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


There's a picture floating around of a young Nick Offerman with a giant, very realistic-looking fake penis. It's one of my favorite things on the internet.

Yeah, but you can get that on HBO on Demand.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:24 AM on January 6, 2017


Reminds me of the one time we where playing Cards Against Humanity and I was the only one who knew what Bukkake was.
That was fun to explain.
posted by signal at 11:25 AM on January 6, 2017 [9 favorites]


I'm still trying to figure out who the hell actually 1.) Joins a porn site

You have to take this a step further. Who comments on the videos on porn sites?


Nope, the real question is: Who clicks on the social media "Share" and "Like" buttons on porn sites?
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:25 AM on January 6, 2017 [26 favorites]


Overwatch

It's a video game. People make porn out of it. Terry Crews is going to be one of the voices, so people with taste will probably make even more porn, because Terry Crews is a national god damn treasure.
posted by maxsparber at 11:26 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Who clicks on the social media "Share" and "Like" buttons on porn sites?

I did once, by accident. Good thing no one uses Google+.
posted by griphus at 11:26 AM on January 6, 2017 [19 favorites]


incest porn shouldn't be this high on the list, given what i thought i know about the psychosexual tendencies of the average american. like isn't that deeply fringe and taboo?

Do you mean the high rankings of "stepmom" and "stepsister"? Cause if you are the "not genetically related" element probably provides enough plausible cover to loosen the taboo.
posted by soundguy99 at 11:27 AM on January 6, 2017


Nope, the real question is: Who clicks on the social media "Share" and "Like" buttons on porn sites?

John Marshall, apparently. (NSFW, but an actual accidental tweet)
posted by maxsparber at 11:28 AM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


I had to sneak off into the woods, cover most of my upper body with cellophane tape and dig five small holes in the ground.

Once you're old enough, you're the one who's supposed to be leaving the tape and trowel in the woods.
posted by delfin at 11:28 AM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


Wait, there's porn on the internet?

Well, this changes everything.
posted by yhbc at 11:29 AM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


Bella Donna: "Our middle age viewers are also searching for ‘step mom’ and ‘lesbian’content in high amounts, while our seniors (65 and up), are more into ‘granny’ porn than their younger counter parts

1. As a relatively newly minted grandmother, I find the existence of granny porn oddly comforting.

2. There are at least two things referred to that are new to me (Overwatch? Futanari?) that I'm afraid to Google.

3. I want zippy's Putanari to be a real thing that is Putin in Japanese rope bondage + predicament bondage in which he's lying on train tracks, a locomotive is coming his way, and he won't make it off the tracks in time. Ideally with Mr. Orange and Mr. Pence right next to him. Apparently I'm into non-erotic revenge porn. Is there a word for that? Yeah, I know: Democrat.
"

Overwatch is a really fun game from Blizzard? Google away!
posted by Samizdata at 11:30 AM on January 6, 2017


bondcliff: "No, I haven't. Enormous doesn't do justice to the size of the fake genitalia. We're talking, like, baseball bat sized.

There's a picture floating around of a young Nick Offerman with a giant, very realistic-looking fake penis. It's one of my favorite things on the internet.
"

Thank you for this. Between this and the patron demon of typos, this has been an amazing holiday season for me on MeFi.
posted by Samizdata at 11:31 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


You have to take this a step further. Who comments on the videos on porn sites?
Do they have a section on Joshua Micah Marshall's viewing habits?

In minutes after he posted that there were people making political jokes (and parodies of Josh Marshall's tweets) in the comments on the video.

If you're gonna tweet porn by accident, pray it's as tasteful as his link was.
posted by atoxyl at 11:31 AM on January 6, 2017


Who clicks on the social media "Share" and "Like" buttons on porn sites?

I mean you know the fact that those buttons are there means that Facebook is logging what kind of porn you watch, right? They aren't there for sharing purposes
posted by beerperson at 11:32 AM on January 6, 2017 [11 favorites]


This saves me from googling it, but that's nowhere near as horrific as I imagined it might be.

One of the disturbing features of the genre is the tendency to animate the torso being cylindrically distorted by the giant penis entering it, followed by gut inflation due to quantity of semen. Because in Hentai Land, your vagina is somehow connected to your stomach.

I think the term I most regret Googling is guro. Truly one of those things that cannot be unseen.
posted by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on January 6, 2017


I mean you know the fact that those buttons are there means that Facebook is logging what kind of porn you watch, right? They aren't there for sharing purposes

Yuh huh. That's why I surf with a cookie blocker.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:36 AM on January 6, 2017


One of the disturbing features of the genre is the tendency to animate the torso being cylindrically distorted by the giant penis entering it, followed by gut inflation due to quantity of semen. Because in Hentai Land, your vagina is somehow connected to your stomach.

I have only ever seen the live version. I should have guessed it originates in hentai.

No stomach puffing in the live version,
posted by maxsparber at 11:38 AM on January 6, 2017


Who comments on the videos on porn sites?

America's sweetheart, Ken Bone.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2017 [6 favorites]


i thought it was america's sweatshirt, ken bone
posted by murphy slaw at 11:47 AM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


Puzzled by the popularity of "footjob" in Italy...

The country is shaped like a boot...
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:48 AM on January 6, 2017 [10 favorites]


America's sweetheart, Ken Bone.

He was commenting on those "gone wild" Reddit posts, right? It's amazing to me. I can't count how many times I've clicked through someone's comment history on Reddit and seen lots of those posts. It's like everyone has decided that Reddit porn is less embarrassing than porn porn.
posted by roll truck roll at 11:53 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


If ever there were an industry that needs to start using https.

For real. An ISP, compelled to track user viewing behaviour, could create a pretty accurate profile for most people. When I think about countries with repressive governments like Egypt or Russia (... or America) you can easily imagine some pretty grim scenarios.

I've worked my whole career in the tech industry and I often feel that most engineers I talk to still don't get it. We focus on being happy and living in the first world and making some cool shit, but we don't think enough about what'll happen to our users when a megalomaniac with tiny baby hands gets in charge. Even though I care about privacy deeply, at certain times I've even found myself becoming complicit, because it's easier and we gotta ship. The tech industry has a moral obligation to do a good job keeping people safe from the government, but it's such a crazy threat scenario, and the implications are so dark, that I think people don't always have the right mental framework to consider the problem fully and deeply. It's actually kind of fucked up.

Despite the high cost at this scale, I hope PornHub can find a way to protect their users. But I would be willing to bet they won't until something real bad happens.
posted by tracert at 11:54 AM on January 6, 2017 [12 favorites]


In a few years the numbers are going to be so massive that we'll have a complete understanding of dark matter. Dark matter is simply a porn cache belonging to the elder civs.

They threw Earth astronomers off the trail by labeling it "Galactic Tax Returns 2012".
posted by codacorolla at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


I have only ever seen the live version. I should have guessed it originates in hentai.

Wait, there's live-action futa porn? Like, as a separate genre from regular trans porn? I'd only seen it in cartoons/comics.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:58 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


I can't count how many times I've clicked through someone's comment history on Reddit and seen lots of those posts. It's like everyone has decided that Reddit porn is less embarrassing than porn porn.

I can't decide if it's more or less gross that it's largely comments on self-posts.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:00 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: should have guessed it originates in hentai.
posted by Fizz at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


MetaFilter: should have guessed it originates in hentai.

It did start out with pussy scans.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:03 PM on January 6, 2017 [10 favorites]


Metafilter in joke word play around pornography is my sweet spot.

(I should probably find another way to phrase that in a pornhub thread but I refuse.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:05 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


Wait, there's live-action futa porn? Like, as a separate genre from regular trans porn? I'd only seen it in cartoons/comics.

...where, by the way, the dicks are not just arm-sized but like TORSO-sized half the time. I'm googling the live stuff now and I'm frankly disappointed by how not-absurd it is by comparison. Like, I was hoping for diminutive cis women waving around ludicrously bulbous gonzo rubber dicks twice their height and spouting fluids like it's a Gwar show.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:08 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


incest porn shouldn't be this high on the list, given what i thought i know about the psychosexual tendencies of the average american. like isn't that deeply fringe and taboo?

The idea of violating taboos can be very powerful; there's a lot of porn out there that is often about taboo violation at some level. There's a difference between fantasy and reality for most people, where fantasy can allow for the indulgence of the idea of doing something that a person would never, ever do in reality.
posted by nubs at 12:09 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?

Could be. Or you could find the thing that consumes your life for the next three months. Only you can answer that question.


Or, maybe you'll find that the real prize is the friends you make along the way.
posted by Kabanos at 12:10 PM on January 6, 2017 [22 favorites]


Huh. In October they did a breakdown of search terms used in conjunction with "clown" during the great clown-sighting craze of 2016.

Discuss.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:11 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Everybody loves a clown.

Some more than others.
posted by delfin at 12:15 PM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


browser insecurity is my kink
posted by beerperson at 12:18 PM on January 6, 2017 [16 favorites]


The idea of violating taboos can be very powerful

I get off on people playing the game Taboo but only using the five forbidden words.
posted by bondcliff at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2017 [8 favorites]


The idea of violating taboos can be very powerful; there's a lot of porn out there that is often about taboo violation at some level. There's a difference between fantasy and reality for most people, where fantasy can allow for the indulgence of the idea of doing something that a person would never, ever do in reality.

Surprisingly not included in the Pornhub Top 10 search terms: Not doing the dishes immediately after dinner.
posted by The Gooch at 12:20 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


Hi. I haven't read the comments or the article. I have seen pornhub recently though. What the hell is with all the step-sibling shit? Is simulated incest what people want?
posted by adept256 at 12:20 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Kabanos: "Or, maybe you'll find that the real prize is the friends you make along the way."

Maybe the real porn was in your heart all along?
posted by signal at 12:21 PM on January 6, 2017 [14 favorites]


Is simulated incest what people want?

It's actually viral marketing for a new JJ Abrams thing
posted by beerperson at 12:21 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


Well, when a NOT step-brother and NOT step-sister NOT love each other very much...
posted by uncleozzy at 12:22 PM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


I am waiting for two of the hot trends to intersect and create the term "stepcuck."
posted by delfin at 12:23 PM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


Simulated?
posted by qi at 12:23 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


You all make my day less sucky.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:24 PM on January 6, 2017


We're not sure how many are simulated because, despite the large amounts of DNA being flung around the room, very few porn producers make it available for follow-up lab tests.

...I think I've found my new career. Incest Certification Technician. Beats telemarketing.
posted by delfin at 12:27 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


You all make my day less sucky.

I see what you did there.
posted by Melismata at 12:28 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


I am waiting for two of the hot trends to intersect and create the term "stepcuck."


Throw some gears in there and you've got a terrifying new genre: steamcuck
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 12:28 PM on January 6, 2017 [11 favorites]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?

Come on. It's just pseudo-hermaphrodism, generally involving women wearing surprisingly convincing but enormous false genitalia.


My thought on reading this was - Classical Greek Satyr plays. And trying to get together some bonkers academic thesis that posits a direct line of descent from Satyr plays to Hentai, tenuously linking every socio-political event occuring between ancient Athens and modern Japan into a Funanari worldview. Then declare that Marxist dialectial/historical materialism suggests that more and more massive dicks are inevitable but that this is Wrong and it is all in fact a post-Structuralist discourse on sexuality, in which all dicks are socially constructed.
posted by Vortisaur at 12:30 PM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


steamcuck

Husbands replaced by steam-powered Sybians?
posted by uncleozzy at 12:30 PM on January 6, 2017 [5 favorites]


Steam-Powered Sybians would be a great roller derby team name.
posted by hippybear at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2017 [26 favorites]


Husbands replaced by steam-powered Sybians?


As long as it has the requisite number of superfluous gears.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 12:32 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


As long as it has the requisite number of superfluous gears.

That seems dangerous, given the activity.
posted by codacorolla at 12:33 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


And goggles. Don't forget the goggles.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:34 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


If it gets in your eyes even just once, you realize that you should NEVER forget the goggles. #lessonslearned
posted by hippybear at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


with a cookie blocker.

it's actually called a "dental dam"


I'm glad I thought to deploy a mental dam before reading this thread.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:53 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Futanari is going to be one of those things I regret googling for the rest of my life if I google it, isn't it?

Yup. Try Bing.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:55 PM on January 6, 2017 [6 favorites]


...I think I've found my new career. Incest Certification Technician. Beats telemarketing.

I would opt for telemarketing.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:56 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


Especially if you can beat while telemarketing.
posted by Melismata at 12:57 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]



For some reason I keep imagining past dinnertime conversations.


"So Jalli. How was school today? What did you learn about?"

"Umm well we looked at some global porn usage stats and...well Futan..."
posted by Jalliah at 1:02 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


I dislike puns. And what is MetaFilter if not a teeming cesspool of dirty, filthy punsters? And, to be fair, also clean and wholesome punsters. Thank goodness there's more to MF than puns. Even if just barely on some days.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:03 PM on January 6, 2017


And now Rule 34 apples to "a teeming cesspool of dirty, filthy punsters". Even if you hadn't thought of that until now, now you have.
posted by hippybear at 1:07 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


As a gay guy this is completely boring to me but they do have a gay roundup here from last May, which only looks at US trends (spoiler: "straight" and "black" are the most popular categories). I was really surprised to see that gay porn is only 3% of the traffic (probably a good portion of that is me). Where are gay guys going then? Gaytube is a goddamn mess.
posted by AFABulous at 1:14 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Who comments on the videos on porn sites?

On gay videos most of the comments are what they would like to do with one of the guys, or in the case of amateur videos, giving their contact information and propositioning the uploader.
posted by AFABulous at 1:20 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


I obviously can't look at the site while at work. What's the stats on videos longer than 5 minutes actually being watched from beginning to end?
posted by numaner at 1:26 PM on January 6, 2017


You know what this thread needs? Some Millenial perspective from America's favorite 100% clean comedian.
posted by Existential Dread at 1:34 PM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


And what is MetaFilter if not a teeming cesspool of dirty, filthy punsters?

Just a bunch of cunning linquists, trying to make a splash while keeping our heads above water.
posted by Kabanos at 1:34 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


What's the stats on videos longer than 5 minutes actually being watched from beginning to end?

I think I would like to see the inverse of that data instead. Like a heatmap of clicks on the scrub bar for popular videos or something, so you could figure out where people were skipping around to. You could use an algorithm to generate a never ending seizure inducing supercut of half second clips. Just a raw stream of gross desire and filth and the uninhibited depravity of man blasting directly into your brain like that one scene in Johnny Mnemonic. This is a dark future I could get behind.
posted by tracert at 1:45 PM on January 6, 2017 [14 favorites]


MetaFilter: Just a raw str--

Oh, never mind.
posted by hippybear at 1:48 PM on January 6, 2017 [7 favorites]


Nope, the real question is: Who clicks on the social media "Share" and "Like" buttons on porn sites?

Performers who want fans to view their latest vid, for the former, and their fans who have fully absorbed "like and subscribe" as a mantra for the latter.
posted by tobascodagama at 1:57 PM on January 6, 2017


I think I would like to see the inverse of that data instead. Like a heatmap of clicks on the scrub bar for popular videos or something, so you could figure out where people were skipping around to. You could use an algorithm to generate a never ending seizure inducing supercut of half second clips. Just a raw stream of gross desire and filth and the uninhibited depravity of man blasting directly into your brain like that one scene in Johnny Mnemonic. This is a dark future I could get behind.

Have you seen the porn generated by the porn-identifying neural network? (shouldn't have to say be cautious about where you open this)
posted by atoxyl at 2:13 PM on January 6, 2017 [17 favorites]


This is a dark future I could get behind.

If you will.
posted by The Bellman at 2:17 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


And I don't really feel like googling this, but why is 'giantess' the fastest climber in the UK?

It's the height advantage.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:28 PM on January 6, 2017 [22 favorites]


Also:

Click on that futanari tag and see where it takes you.

If I know my hentai, usually in the butt.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:29 PM on January 6, 2017 [4 favorites]


NOT REALLY posted by 360 degrees virtual reality rub and tug lubed farting at 2:37 PM on January 6 [+][!]
posted by Annika Cicada at 2:41 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Have you seen the porn generated by the porn-identifying neural network?

I have and it was deeply compelling to me.
posted by tracert at 3:08 PM on January 6, 2017


Kinda weird they call Kim Kardashian a "porn star" repeatedly.
posted by lkc at 3:41 PM on January 6, 2017


yeah am I missing something where "Kim Kardashian" is also the alias of an actual porn star?
posted by indubitable at 3:49 PM on January 6, 2017


I don't think they intend to call her a porn star. I think they mean to say she is one of the top female names searched. She does have a leaked sex tape from a while ago (google it yourself), but I think most of the searches on PornHub will end up leading to look-a-likes or what have you.
posted by hippybear at 3:50 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Yeah, a leaked sex tape does not a porn star make, even if her name is a top search term.

I don't think they intend to call her a porn star.

Yet, they do, repeatedly. In the text and graphics.
posted by lkc at 4:28 PM on January 6, 2017


If it gets in your eyes even just once, you realize that you should NEVER forget the goggles. #lessonslearned

What has happened on the internet that goggles are now reputed to do something?
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:04 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Hey, "futanari" is not really cute/nice terminology, and contemporary Russia is notoriously transphobic. The transphobic-region-loves-trans-porn phenomenon is a correlation we can see in the US as well. I would in fact argue that the kinds of fantasies cis men have here are the exact thing that gets most trans women killed.
posted by byanyothername at 5:55 PM on January 6, 2017 [9 favorites]


(So maybe can the moronic jokes a little.)
posted by byanyothername at 5:57 PM on January 6, 2017 [2 favorites]


Yeah, a leaked sex tape does not a porn star make, even if her name is a top search term.

Leaked by her mother/manager, and they continue to make money from sales of the tape.
posted by Etrigan at 6:05 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


Well, this has been an educational thread - although, alas, it has not furnished me with my personal hot new thing. I knew about vore, but didn't know it had spawned Giantesses As A Service (GAAS). But guro makes me think that before JG Ballard left the custody of the Japanese, he managed to seed a little something in the water supply.
posted by Devonian at 7:01 PM on January 6, 2017


I'm still trying to figure out who the hell actually 1.) Joins a porn site, and then, 2.) Provides true personal data.

A lot of people provide true personal data to Facebook and Google and Twitter and Linked in, and if they leave themselves logged in, I expect that social media companies provide APIs for 3rd parties to access that data for targeted advertising purposes. You don't have to decide to provide data to a porn site for a porn site to get your data.

Another reason why if you must look at porn sites you should do it from an incognito/private browsing window, or perhaps use a VM dedicated to the purpose, or something like that. That will also prevent those unfortunate clicks on share buttons from letting grandma know what you're looking at
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:14 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


This is a dark future I could get behind.

wiggling_eyebrows.gif
posted by Sebmojo at 8:26 PM on January 6, 2017


why gramma, i'm just browsing a neural network's attempts at recreating hr giger's throbbing genital landscapes, go back to bed
posted by Existential Dread at 8:29 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


Australia / Relative searches (Searched more compared to world) / #3: jerk off instructions

Australians need instructions for this?

And they look for it on PornHub, rather than, say, WikiHow?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:36 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


It may surprise you to learn that people searching for "jerk off instructions" on PornHub are not necessarily doing so for educational purposes.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:43 PM on January 6, 2017 [3 favorites]


No that would not surprise me
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:45 PM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


I knew all this "Big Data" stuff I'm studying would end up useful someday. Forget about predicting traffic patterns and detecting fraud - I wanna compare how long it takes the average person to ...umm... "finish" with a pornhub session in Germany vs. Japan.

(I'm somewhat serious. That's a LOT of data they're crunching).
posted by Diag at 9:48 PM on January 6, 2017


I hope that someone somewhere is running the numbers on whether this huge global upswing in porn consumption is turning society into a nest of unrestrained deviants spewing new sex crime everywhere (as certain people say), or whether (as I suspect) it's just helping pass the time with more orgasms for everyone. Or whether (as I also suspect) it is having an effect on how young people think sex is done, not to the point of criminalising them but perhaps not in a healthy way neither. In which case, best lobby for some quality state-funded porn that educates and informs as well as entertains.

I think the BBC should get that gig.
posted by Devonian at 4:47 AM on January 7, 2017 [3 favorites]


This was an epic MetaFilter thread. My god did I have fun reading it!

Still not clear on "Overwatch". I'm thinking it's when the camera is above the participants?
posted by james33 at 7:15 AM on January 7, 2017


Overwatch is a videogame. It features several sexy hot female characters in skin-tight costumes, with improbable breast physics. (It also features a hot older German dude who is beefy and has a big hammer, that's more my fetish.) A bunch of people want to watch animated and cartoon porn of their favorite videogame.

Some of the Overwatch porn is kind of cute. Here's a PG-13 kiss between two Overwatch characters, Tracer and Windowmaker. I imagine it was inspired by the news last month that Tracer has a girlfriend.

Some of the Overwatch porn is rather more, well, live action filthy porn. I briefly saw a video somewhere (Pornhub?) that featured a lot of purple body paint that did a remarkable job staying on a sweaty female body while it bounced up and down on a disappointingly uncostumed gentleman.
posted by Nelson at 7:27 AM on January 7, 2017


also features a hot older German dude who is beefy and has a big hammer, that's more my fetish.

I believe the term for that fetish is hotdammerung.
posted by nubs at 8:22 AM on January 7, 2017 [10 favorites]


Huh, if you google "futanari prosthetics," there are some of the same companies and products marketed towards trans men (Reelmagik, Emisil). I mean, that makes total sense, I just had no idea they were used in a fetishistic manner like that.
posted by AFABulous at 9:53 AM on January 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


The thing that gets me is that compared to many games Overwatch is on the mess misogynist side of things. Many of the women wear flats instead of heels and a few even have realistic breast sizes. And body shapes that aren't hyper thin supermodel.

There are games much more objectifying out there.

I guess it's just the popularity of the game?
posted by sotonohito at 9:55 AM on January 7, 2017


I think the fact that they're characters, rather than just animated models helps. Blizzard put a lot of effort into Overwatch to give each playable character a distinct personality.

The Overwatch cast of characters have also got a lot of story history with each other, a lot of which has yet to be told, making it fertile ground for fans to tell their own stories. Which often seem to involve kissing.
posted by YAMWAK at 10:06 AM on January 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


I neither play Overwatch nor consume its poronography, but many people are deeply attached to the personalities of the characters, which I believe would lead to emotional and erotic attachment too.
posted by codacorolla at 10:08 AM on January 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


hotdammerung

Side effects include thorness, ask your doctor.
posted by zippy at 11:50 AM on January 7, 2017 [3 favorites]


Hey, "futanari" is not really cute/nice terminology

Do you mean that it's actually derogatory?
posted by clockzero at 1:34 PM on January 7, 2017


I would've thought it would be more derogatory to refer to "futanari" porn as "trans" porn, because wow, there's no relationship between what's classified as "futanari" and actual trans people. I don't just mean the way the concepts of sex with lesbians or trans people are exploited in live-action porn, I mean futanari just goes to a whole different, terrible level.
posted by Anonymous at 4:02 PM on January 7, 2017


yeah futanari has nothing to do with actual trans people because almost no one has genitalia that looks/functions like that. Intersex folks almost never have two complete sets of genitalia. The prosthetics I mentioned above are for trans men and the people in the porn (from a very cursory google search) are not meant to be regarded as men.

Genitalia has nothing to do with gender anyway.
posted by AFABulous at 7:57 PM on January 7, 2017


I neither play Overwatch nor consume its poronography

League of Legends might be more up your alley, maybe?
posted by AdamCSnider at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2017


Here's an essay by a trans woman about how futanari influenced her identity as "a dyke-y trans girl."
posted by (Over) Thinking at 2:23 PM on January 8, 2017


so many, many taters
posted by ostranenie at 8:16 PM on January 8, 2017


Here's an essay by a trans woman about how futanari influenced her identity as "a dyke-y trans girl."

I mean, all kinds of media influenced my identity as a dyke-y trans girl, including a certain amount of so-called tr*nny/sh*male porn — and I reserve the right to use both those word talking about myself, but if a cis person calls me either of those words the conversation is over and I'm never speaking to them again. So that citation isn't really relevant one way or the other to the "should we use this word" question.

(I haven't encountered "futanari" used in a slur-like way in English, but I don't really hang out in the sort of circles where I would encounter it. My understanding is that in Japanese it's not just the name of a porn genre but also a word that's used to refer to intersex people, and I'm not sure where it is on the spectrum from "nice, respectful term" to "actual fucking slur." So I don't have a strong personal opinion about it one way or the other, but I definitely should have been more careful about throwing it around, and I'm sorry I brought it up.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:14 AM on January 9, 2017 [2 favorites]


I don't know enough about the use of the word in Japan to know its appropriateness. Wikipedia suggests the word was a generalized word for hermaphrodism, and that another word, nyūhāfu, is used for trans, but if there is a sense that the word is a slur, I'll steer clear of using it. Porn uses all sorts of words that I would not use in my day-to-day conversations, in part because it seems to festishize a lot of fraught social subjects.
posted by maxsparber at 7:05 AM on January 9, 2017 [2 favorites]


That seems to be the most judicious approach, maxsparber. And, regardless of what the word means and connotes within Japanese culture, outside of Japan it seems to refer almost exclusively to the porn. So, probably best avoided outside of discussions of said porn.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:56 AM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


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