"I haven’t worked out everything."
January 9, 2017 1:30 PM   Subscribe

"...in the New Year I worked out part of what Shakespeare’s Sonnets were about one day when I was sitting around doing nothing." A Crooked Timber commenter going by "ZM" shares a theory that includes William Herbert the 3rd Earl of Pembroke, Christopher Marlowe, Mary Sidney, infertility, and espionage.
posted by brainwane (34 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Sitting around better used for meditation in this instance
posted by Postroad at 1:56 PM on January 9, 2017 [4 favorites]


"look how alike these two 500 year old portraits are!"

Buddy, have I got sour news for you about the history of portraiture.
posted by The River Ivel at 2:24 PM on January 9, 2017 [17 favorites]


The trick with Shakespeare is that some of his work was written, or at least transcribed, by Francis Bacon, but it was the 20th C painter, using a time machine created by Roger Bacon. It's very confusing, but it makes more sense when you realize there were three Christopher Marlowes....
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:30 PM on January 9, 2017 [13 favorites]


There's also Francis Bacon, the engineer and Francis Bacon, the cricket player. I'm certain they were involved somehow, but I haven't worked out everything. But as the Bard himself once said "Mmm ... Bacon ..."
posted by octobersurprise at 2:39 PM on January 9, 2017 [2 favorites]


There's probably a Lord Sandwich up in this business, too.
posted by octobersurprise at 2:49 PM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


> "it makes more sense when you realize there were three Christopher Marlowes...."

Christophers Marlowe.
posted by kyrademon at 2:53 PM on January 9, 2017 [43 favorites]


But "Harry Christophers."
posted by octobersurprise at 2:59 PM on January 9, 2017


I think the fact that they don't actually look anything alike really proves the case. Why make them look so different if you weren't trying to throw suspicion off? Tell me that?
posted by lumpenprole at 3:06 PM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


I would totally read this book, but I wouldn't confuse it with history.
posted by curiousgene at 3:22 PM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


Guys, Shakespeare's plays were written by Phillip Marlowe, notable fictional, hard-boiled detective. He possessed the body of actor Robert Mitchum used a time machine to flee to the past. Upon arriving in 1593, Mitchum/Marlowe immediately stopped into a pub in Deptford for a drink and ran into Christopher Marlowe, who he, intoxicated, confused with another time-travelling fictional Marlowe (possibly Bogart)and promptly killed. He then hung up his trench coat and took up iambic pentameter. I thought everyone knew this.
posted by thivaia at 3:23 PM on January 9, 2017 [17 favorites]


It's very confusing, but it makes more sense when you realize there were three Christopher Marlowes....

There were actually four. Marlowe from our timeline, and Marlowe 2 who came from another timeline to tell Marlowe to stay away from Deptford, but fell in the bear pit before he could make contact, Marlowe 3 who came to tell Marlowe and Marlowe 2 to be careful, but was distracted in a house of pleasure and later guiltily returned to his own time. There is Vampire Marlowe as well, still alive and trying to get a series developed for Netflix.
posted by betweenthebars at 3:24 PM on January 9, 2017 [12 favorites]


Such speculation never fails to remind me of Woody Allen's provocative theory.
posted by Bromius at 3:26 PM on January 9, 2017 [2 favorites]


There were actually four.

Leaving out the time-traveling cybernetic army of Marlowe-clones, yes.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:57 PM on January 9, 2017 [6 favorites]


There is Vampire Marlowe as well, still alive and trying to get a series developed for Netflix.

I loved his last film
posted by thivaia at 3:58 PM on January 9, 2017 [3 favorites]


just because christopher marlowe wasn't as good as shakespeare doesn't mean he needed writing lessons from him
posted by pyramid termite at 5:31 PM on January 9, 2017


N.B. The "this just occurred to me" framing should be taken with a grain of salt. Pretty much all of this, if not all, is from actual theories that have been proposed at some point, at the further reaches of the Marlovian Shakespeare authorship hypothesis.
posted by iotic at 5:53 PM on January 9, 2017


Here's a link to an extensive interview with a guy who worked out that Shakespeare's works are actually coded ciphers... so I guess that goes with the spy part of this theory! Fascinating!
posted by jbenben at 6:21 PM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


Guys, Shakespeare's plays were written by Phillip Marlowe, notable fictional, hard-boiled detective. He possessed the body of actor Robert Mitchum used a time machine to flee to the past. Upon arriving in 1593, Mitchum/Marlowe immediately stopped into a pub in Deptford for a drink and ran into Christopher Marlowe, who he, intoxicated, confused with another time-travelling fictional Marlowe (possibly Bogart)and promptly killed. He then hung up his trench coat and took up iambic pentameter. I thought everyone knew this.

The timeline where it's Elliott Gould instead of Robert Mitchum is probably the best of all possible worlds.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:45 PM on January 9, 2017 [5 favorites]


I like this story, and I love that the dude decided to do some thinking, and then wrote about it.
posted by Oyéah at 6:51 PM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


Today I learned Shakespeare was married to Anne Hathaway, by which I deduce that Shakespeare is none other than low tier actor Adam Shulman, famous for his role as "Total Foods Customer" in 2015's Ricki and the Flash as well as writing 154 sonnets and 37 plays.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:58 PM on January 9, 2017 [3 favorites]


If everybody is Christopher Marlowe, then no one is.
posted by lore at 8:14 PM on January 9, 2017 [4 favorites]


The timeline where it's Elliott Gould instead of Robert Mitchum is probably the best of all possible worlds.

It's ok with me.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:17 PM on January 9, 2017 [3 favorites]


I know people right now who are convinced that Stephen King didn't write any of his books.
posted by lagomorphius at 9:06 PM on January 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


Yeah, how are we ever going to settle on Shakespeare, when we can't be sure who wrote Hamilton, The Star Wars Holiday Special or The Art of the Deal?
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:21 PM on January 9, 2017


Yeah, how are we ever going to settle on Shakespeare, when we can't be sure who wrote Hamilton, The Star Wars Holiday Special or The Art of the Deal?

Actually, despite what the conspiracy theorists say, Bruce Vilanch did write the Star Wars Holiday Special.

What the cabal doesn't want you to know is that he actually wrote all three of those works, plus Foucault's Pendulum and the back half of Breaking Bad.
posted by jason_steakums at 9:31 PM on January 9, 2017 [3 favorites]


Oh thank god, I thought it was going to be an authorship theory, but it's just an interpretation/parentage theory and a pleasantly batshit one at that.

*quietly puts the authorship rant back in its box until needed*
posted by the latin mouse at 2:00 AM on January 10, 2017 [1 favorite]


I am so glad my MeFite neighbors have taken this weird jumping-off point and had fun with it. Also I have learned that there is (I infer) controversy over the authorship of Hamilton: An American Musical?

the latin mouse, I would enjoy getting to see your authorship rant.
posted by brainwane at 6:07 AM on January 10, 2017 [2 favorites]


WRT Marlowe: Who else has that crazy hair? Wheels within wheels, sheeple!

Also too:

I know people right now who are convinced that Stephen King didn't write any of his books.

He was too busy plotting to kill John Lennon.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:03 AM on January 10, 2017


I realize this is a lulz thread.

But there's actually a pretty interesting piece in the Guardian right now about manuscript scholar Heather Wolfe and how she's made a pretty convincing case that Shakespeare was actually a fella named... Shakespeare. Uncovering primary documents like applications for coats of arms and the like isn't as sexy as mysterious ghostwriters or King James having an unlikely hobby or whatever the theory du jour is, but it makes a helluva lot more sense.

Anyway, here's the piece: How ‘Sherlock of the library’ cracked the case of Shakespeare’s identity.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:49 AM on January 10, 2017 [9 favorites]


Ockham's Razor suggests that among competing hypothesis, the one with the fewest inherent assumptions is most likely correct.


Therefore, I must conclude that Shakespeare was actually William of Ockham.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:52 AM on January 10, 2017 [10 favorites]


Guys, Shakespeare's plays were written by Phillip Marlowe, notable fictional, hard-boiled detective.

Actually that story was told by Captain Charles Marlow in a boat on the Thames.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:53 AM on January 10, 2017 [4 favorites]


WRT Marlowe: Who else has that crazy hair?

Who, indeed?
posted by FatherDagon at 1:52 PM on January 10, 2017 [1 favorite]


I would enjoy getting to see your authorship rant

It's the one where I go all capslock about how I have NEVER ONCE IN ALL THESE YEARS heard ONE SINGLE AUTHORSHIP THEORY from the anti-Stratfordians that wasn't just a fucking dog whistle for a bunch of CLASSIST BULLSHIT and BASELESS INTELLECTUAL SNOBBERY from a bunch of SMIRKING ASSHOLES who would sooner believe those plays were written by THE CORPSE OF KIT MARLOWE than entertain the remotest possibility that a grammar school kid from fairly humble beginnings in the West Midlands could POSSIBLY have ANY impact on the literary canon, because GOD FORBID that somebody from OUTSIDE THE ARISTOCRACY, who HADN'T BEEN TO OXBRIDGE be recognised as a GENUINE TALENT. If he'd stuck to writing EXCLUSIVELY ABOUT THE RUDE MECHANICALS then maybe they wouldn't have bothered with their STUPID FUCKING CONSPIRACY THEORIES, but they think it's UNACCEPTABLE that he could have written about MATTERS OF STATE so well that the plays were APPRECIATED BY ACTUAL HEADS OF STATE, because that accepts their COSY LITTLE WORLD ORDER and doesn't it make more sense that there was a MASSIVE AND UNDOCUMENTED CONSPIRACY that meant the plays could be written by the Earl of Oxford? Or a RIDICULOUSLY ELABORATE NUMERICAL CODE pointing to the author being SIR FRANCIS BACON? Or that the plays were written by CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE or QUEEN ELIZABETH, never mind that they were FUCKING DEAD AT THE TIME? Or ALIENS, because FUCK IT, WHY NOT? Because as far as they're concerned ALL OF THOSE UNIVERSES ARE LESS RIDICULOUS THAN ONE WHERE SHAKESPEARE WROTE HIS OWN PLAYS, because ALL OF THOSE UNIVERSES ARE ONES WHERE THE PROLES KNOW THEIR FUCKING PLACE.

And if I seem UNNECESSARILY UPSET about the mischaracterisation of events HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO by people who are ONLY HAVING A BIT OF FUN with something intended mostly as an INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE, it's because I TOO AM A GRAMMAR SCHOOL KID FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN THE WEST MIDLANDS WHO STARTED WORKING IN THE THEATRE INDUSTRY and the authorship bollocks hits a little close to home considering CLASSIST BULLSHIT IS FUCKING ENDEMIC IN THE INDUSTRY in ways which are GETTING WORSE, NOT BETTER along with a lot of INTERSECTIONAL SHIT which sees the SAME ATTITUDES APPLIED ALONG DIFFERENT AXIS in ways that HURT THE INDUSTRY and SUPPRESS GOOD ART. So I don't care if you think I'm being IRRATIONAL, if I catch anybody trying to PULL SOME MISS TRIGGS BULLSHIT ON MY BOY SHAKESPEARE, I WILL FUCKING FIGHT YOU.
posted by the latin mouse at 3:10 PM on January 10, 2017 [16 favorites]


But "Harry Christophers."

And sixteen of 'em, at that.
posted by in278s at 9:05 PM on January 10, 2017 [1 favorite]


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