One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.
February 10, 2017 10:07 PM Subscribe
Worst Kitchen Fails (SLS&U)
Cat being so very helpful with the dropped saucepot…
posted by Lexica at 10:25 PM on February 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Lexica at 10:25 PM on February 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
Hahahahaha the cat eggs. Also the tortured souls has me laughing out loud.
What on earth is the spinach (?) man wearing the banana hammock?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:36 PM on February 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
What on earth is the spinach (?) man wearing the banana hammock?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:36 PM on February 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Mostly listicle "you will laugh so hard" compilations don't do much for me, but for some reason this batch hit the spot.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:39 PM on February 10, 2017
posted by Dip Flash at 10:39 PM on February 10, 2017
There is some deep storytelling going on in both Dropped Crockpot and Glasses Bread, and I am way into it.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 11:11 PM on February 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 11:11 PM on February 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
The best part is eating the mistakes.
posted by not_on_display at 11:24 PM on February 10, 2017
posted by not_on_display at 11:24 PM on February 10, 2017
now they look like torturrised souls begging for death
The Behelit!!
posted by J.K. Seazer at 12:26 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
The Behelit!!
posted by J.K. Seazer at 12:26 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
Favorited for the title quote.
posted by one weird trick at 1:30 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by one weird trick at 1:30 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
Dropped Crockpot looks bad, but could be a lot worse. Those things shatter.
posted by darksasami at 3:11 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by darksasami at 3:11 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
I've lost my glasses before. Never in something I've been cooking though.
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 4:02 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 4:02 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
for some reason this batch hit the spotSame here, made me laugh so much I had to sit down.
Who knew the layer upon layer of smugly perfect recipe pictures I have seen throughout the years needed such exorcising.
posted by fullerine at 5:51 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I dont understand the egg ones. Not the failed attempts, but the prettified originals. A fried egg is delicious for exactly as long as it takes for the yolk to become cold, and then it is disappointing. Taking the time to perfectly fry an egg so it is glistening and lovely is nice, but then decorating it with meticulous sauce drawings or complicated toast placement is a waste of the egg since by the time you've plated it will be cold and gross. Eat your eggs while they're still hot, people.
Also that shark beach cake is amazing and in no way a failure.
posted by Mizu at 6:35 AM on February 11, 2017 [13 favorites]
Also that shark beach cake is amazing and in no way a failure.
posted by Mizu at 6:35 AM on February 11, 2017 [13 favorites]
Most of these are the sort of thing I feel bad about making fun of; they were clearly done by people attempting something out of their league, which I find admirable, and so it feels like making fun of a first-grader's attempt to copy the Mona Lisa. However, the crockpot one I can really identify with, having been there before (although in my house it would have been a helpful dog cleaning up, which is probably more effective than a cat). And saving the glasses bread for last was perfect; that was the funniest thing I will see all day.
posted by TedW at 7:18 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by TedW at 7:18 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
The lady with the spilled pot of spaghetti sauce? That happened to a good friend of my some years ago. Her pot was twice the size and she was getting ready to feed a large hoard of hungry baseball players.
When she went to pick the pot up, both handles broke off and you know the rest. She sat down on the floor and started crying. Broke our heats. We all chipped in and took her and the team out to a nice sit down restaurant. After we cleaned up her kitchen of course. She was a sweet, sweet soul.
posted by james33 at 7:30 AM on February 11, 2017 [9 favorites]
When she went to pick the pot up, both handles broke off and you know the rest. She sat down on the floor and started crying. Broke our heats. We all chipped in and took her and the team out to a nice sit down restaurant. After we cleaned up her kitchen of course. She was a sweet, sweet soul.
posted by james33 at 7:30 AM on February 11, 2017 [9 favorites]
"Most of these are the sort of thing I feel bad about making fun of; they were clearly done by people attempting something out of their league, which I find admirable, and so it feels like making fun of a first-grader's attempt to copy the Mona Lisa."
People usually post their own food fails after attempting something they saw on Pinterest and having it go horribly wrong because Pinterest recipe photos are FULL OF LIES. Pinterest Fail is its whole own genre and people are posting their own catastrophes for your amusement and laughing at themselves. So don't feel bad!
(Frequently they taste fine but look ridiculous because the Pinterest shots are styled, fake, or expert. And they're like "beginner icing technique!" where "beginner" means "professional pastry chef with surgeon's hands.")
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:50 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
People usually post their own food fails after attempting something they saw on Pinterest and having it go horribly wrong because Pinterest recipe photos are FULL OF LIES. Pinterest Fail is its whole own genre and people are posting their own catastrophes for your amusement and laughing at themselves. So don't feel bad!
(Frequently they taste fine but look ridiculous because the Pinterest shots are styled, fake, or expert. And they're like "beginner icing technique!" where "beginner" means "professional pastry chef with surgeon's hands.")
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:50 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
so it feels like making fun of a first-grader's attempt to copy the Mona Lisa.
Yeah, or really any beginning artist's attempt at any art. Like if you've ever attempted to draw a person sitting in front of you for the first time, or make a bowl on a pottery wheel for the first time, or make a bench out of wood for the first time, or play an instrument for the first time, these food photos are totally familiar -- they all have that same quality of "oh god what is this broken-mirror nightmare anti-Platonic Reflection of the True Form I have created." And then maybe you can layer on enough frosting/eraser smudges/glaze/putty/autotune that it becomes sort of presentable enough to show to your mom without fully relying on the power of maternal condescension. (Except food is better, because the cake will still be delicious, while sitting on the bench will definitely cause it to fall down.)
That's what's weird about this genre -- with most art training a lot of effort goes into getting people over those first 1,000 failures as gently and quickly as possible. But somehow this "make a beautiful Mickey Mouse pancake in three easy steps" food-styling genre seems to miss the mark, and more sort of imply to amateurs that if your beginner artwork looks like beginner artwork that's a failure on your part as a person.
posted by john hadron collider at 8:35 AM on February 11, 2017 [11 favorites]
Yeah, or really any beginning artist's attempt at any art. Like if you've ever attempted to draw a person sitting in front of you for the first time, or make a bowl on a pottery wheel for the first time, or make a bench out of wood for the first time, or play an instrument for the first time, these food photos are totally familiar -- they all have that same quality of "oh god what is this broken-mirror nightmare anti-Platonic Reflection of the True Form I have created." And then maybe you can layer on enough frosting/eraser smudges/glaze/putty/autotune that it becomes sort of presentable enough to show to your mom without fully relying on the power of maternal condescension. (Except food is better, because the cake will still be delicious, while sitting on the bench will definitely cause it to fall down.)
That's what's weird about this genre -- with most art training a lot of effort goes into getting people over those first 1,000 failures as gently and quickly as possible. But somehow this "make a beautiful Mickey Mouse pancake in three easy steps" food-styling genre seems to miss the mark, and more sort of imply to amateurs that if your beginner artwork looks like beginner artwork that's a failure on your part as a person.
posted by john hadron collider at 8:35 AM on February 11, 2017 [11 favorites]
Not technically a 1:1 double of your own post from three months ago, but...
posted by Sys Rq at 8:43 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Sys Rq at 8:43 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I really do like food decorating fails, mostly because they tend to be so frickin' earnest!
posted by Kitteh at 9:01 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Kitteh at 9:01 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
How do you drop your glasses in a bread pan, then insert the dough and then bake it? I'm detecting something shady there.
posted by Splunge at 9:15 AM on February 11, 2017
posted by Splunge at 9:15 AM on February 11, 2017
I can't decide if the bunny teeth are Good 'n' Plenty or Adderall.
posted by tommasz at 9:21 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 9:21 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
I non ironically like the shark cake.
posted by jeather at 9:26 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by jeather at 9:26 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
they were clearly done by people attempting something out of their league, which I find admirable, and so it feels like making fun of a first-grader's attempt to copy the Mona Lisa.
Exactly what I came here to say. One of the things I hate about Pinterest culture is that it tries to be the death of dilletantism; heaven forfend that you're not a professional food sculptor. I'd actually prefer the first cake to something that looks like a 3D Pre-Raphaelite painting made with marginally-edible fondant.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:35 AM on February 11, 2017
Exactly what I came here to say. One of the things I hate about Pinterest culture is that it tries to be the death of dilletantism; heaven forfend that you're not a professional food sculptor. I'd actually prefer the first cake to something that looks like a 3D Pre-Raphaelite painting made with marginally-edible fondant.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:35 AM on February 11, 2017
If people would just stop trying to cook food into twee shapes, we wouldn't have this problem.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:44 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:44 AM on February 11, 2017 [4 favorites]
Oh god the tortured souls buns...their souls appear to be leaking out of their facial orifices...
Great post, Johnny Wallflower. I needed that laugh!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:45 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
Great post, Johnny Wallflower. I needed that laugh!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:45 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
How do you drop your glasses in a bread pan, then insert the dough and then bake it? I'm detecting something shady there.
I'm guessing based on appearance that it wasn't bread so much as something batter-based, perhaps a pound cake. I've known enough people (including myself) who couldn't find their glasses while they were sitting on their forehead that I can totally see a pair or reading glasses slipping into a bread pan unnoticed. It looks like they were still useable afterwards, too, which is more than I can say for many of my own eyeglasses related misadventures.
posted by TedW at 9:50 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm guessing based on appearance that it wasn't bread so much as something batter-based, perhaps a pound cake. I've known enough people (including myself) who couldn't find their glasses while they were sitting on their forehead that I can totally see a pair or reading glasses slipping into a bread pan unnoticed. It looks like they were still useable afterwards, too, which is more than I can say for many of my own eyeglasses related misadventures.
posted by TedW at 9:50 AM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
TedW, the lenses have melted a bit, but your usability index may be more forgiving than mine ^_^
posted by retronic at 10:12 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by retronic at 10:12 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
Lots of overlap here, plus some ones I didn't see but that I love, esp. nos. 3, 4, 9, and 10.
posted by dhens at 10:19 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by dhens at 10:19 AM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
the shark cake is glorious and i will hear no words against it.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:31 PM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:31 PM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
also as soon as i saw the words "kitchen fail" i gasped dramatically aloud and said THE WONTONS in a voice of deep and terrible foreboding
posted by poffin boffin at 12:32 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:32 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
1. My dad stopped carrying his spectacles in his shirt pocket after he broiled them in the oven by accident whilst bending over to check on the roast. "The plastic frames bubbled up into unwearability in the time it took to get the tongs to get them out" broiled. It was a very good oven.
2. I have multiple memories of glass jars and pans exploding in front of me and my poor mom, though she swears that she has no memory of the pickle jar exploding as the hot brine went in. Her loss.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 1:17 PM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
2. I have multiple memories of glass jars and pans exploding in front of me and my poor mom, though she swears that she has no memory of the pickle jar exploding as the hot brine went in. Her loss.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 1:17 PM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
If people would just stop trying to cook food into twee shapes, we wouldn't have this problem.
This totally! Give me a 2-layer round Betty Crocker yellow cake with chocolate Duncan Hines frosting and nothing on top except birthday candles and we'll be friends forever.
posted by bendy at 5:07 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
This totally! Give me a 2-layer round Betty Crocker yellow cake with chocolate Duncan Hines frosting and nothing on top except birthday candles and we'll be friends forever.
posted by bendy at 5:07 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
How do you drop your glasses in a bread pan, then insert the dough and then bake it? I'm detecting something shady there.
TA-DA! IT'S THE WONDER OF MAGIC, GRANDMA!
posted by hal9k at 7:32 PM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
TA-DA! IT'S THE WONDER OF MAGIC, GRANDMA!
posted by hal9k at 7:32 PM on February 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Should be titled "Kitchen Reality For 99% of People". The modern plague of comparing your earnest efforts with those of the monomaniacs on Pinterest, or any other field, needs to stop. It is completely OK to do things badly that affect absolutely nobody else. The whole culture of "Fail" derides anyone for trying anything new and infects everyone with a teenager's sneer.
I will bake a cake for my kids tonight, badly decorate it as Clifford, and it will end up looking like a murdered MacGruff the crime dog, because I think fondant tastes like shit and whipped cream icing is delicious. It will taste great, and I will enjoy chasing my kids around the kitchen with Zombie Dog.
posted by benzenedream at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
I will bake a cake for my kids tonight, badly decorate it as Clifford, and it will end up looking like a murdered MacGruff the crime dog, because I think fondant tastes like shit and whipped cream icing is delicious. It will taste great, and I will enjoy chasing my kids around the kitchen with Zombie Dog.
posted by benzenedream at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
A friend and I share our kitchen fails with great glee and humility. A familiar refrain is "ice cream truck!" from the time her daughter bespied the castle cake and excitedly thanked her mother for the ice cream truck cake.
To me these aren't making fun of kindy kids doing Big Art - they are friendly shared 'oh god look at what I did' with a side of 'fuck pinterest and food stylist BS'.
(Apparently sauce pot kitty had tripped that poor lady too)
posted by geek anachronism at 9:33 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
To me these aren't making fun of kindy kids doing Big Art - they are friendly shared 'oh god look at what I did' with a side of 'fuck pinterest and food stylist BS'.
(Apparently sauce pot kitty had tripped that poor lady too)
posted by geek anachronism at 9:33 PM on February 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
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posted by chococat at 10:19 PM on February 10, 2017 [2 favorites]