Now you can quantify your sense of inadequacy
February 28, 2017 11:53 AM   Subscribe

The Good Houskeeping Institute Ultimate Cleaning Checklist. Our cleaning experts are always being asked exactly how often we should clean things – from beds and curtains to hobs and toilets. Frankly, housework can feel like a neverending task, and nobody wants to overdo it! So here, by popular demand, is the GHI’s guide to what to clean when... via
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets (155 comments total) 68 users marked this as a favorite
 
This is helpful! However, I need a UK-English-to-US-English translation for "hob," which is apparently something I am supposed to clean daily.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:57 AM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I will literally in my life never clean a damn lightbulb and no amount of implied-mom-tone from a magazine can make me.
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:57 AM on February 28, 2017 [37 favorites]


UK-English-to-US-English translation for "hob,"

My understanding is that it's the cooktop/rangetop but not the oven.
posted by cooker girl at 11:58 AM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I consider it a success when I actually lean down and wipe up a spill with a paper towel rather than use my sock-covered foot to soak it up and then stamp it around the rest of the house.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:59 AM on February 28, 2017 [65 favorites]


When I dust my ceiling fans, I use a swiffer duster thingie on any exposed lightbulbs. I'm not unscrewing any light fixtures to clean bulbs, because I am much too lazy.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:59 AM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Holy hell, I'm apparently the ultimate slob.
posted by sutt at 12:01 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]




"Wash up"? The fuck does that mean? Is Good Housekeeping worried that I'm not bathing daily and need to be reminded?
posted by Etrigan at 12:02 PM on February 28, 2017


What the hell is internal paintwork?
posted by amarynth at 12:02 PM on February 28, 2017


"Wash up"? The fuck does that mean? Is Good Housekeeping worried that I'm not bathing daily and need to be reminded?

Cleaning cups and plates and cutlery and things.

What do you call it?
posted by antiwiggle at 12:07 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


I think "wash up" may refer to dishes. I am not sure where I got that impression. I think that all my knowledge of English housecleaning vocabulary comes from children's books.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:07 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


I don't think I can remember the last time I swept my apartment. It was definitely longer ago than the last time I cleaned the ol 'hob, though. But then I have to get right up next to my stove on a regular basis, not so much the floor.

What do you call it?

Wash the dishes, or do the dishes.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:08 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


This is a hob.

"Washing up" is doing the dishes.

Internal paintwork is skirting and architrave and dado/picture rails if you have such things, also the bannisters.
posted by emilyw at 12:09 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


wash the fucking windows? monthly? what the fuck? what the fuck is this disgusting propaganda from Big Window
posted by poffin boffin at 12:09 PM on February 28, 2017 [53 favorites]


Nope, not gonna clean the toilet and shower daily.
And that doesn't make me a slob.

Good housekeeping, making women feel inadequate since 1952. No, thanks.
posted by Dashy at 12:10 PM on February 28, 2017 [16 favorites]


DAILY
-Smooth out duvet
-Flush toilet
-Brush crumbs off pop-tart plate

WEEKLY
-Pick up cat barf
-Open, then ignore bills
-Pull gunk out of shower drain
-Dust collection of priceless porcelains

YEARLY
-Recycle partially-read New Yorkers
-Vacuum
-Creep inevitably closer to grave
posted by theodolite at 12:11 PM on February 28, 2017 [131 favorites]


If my memory serves me correctly, a "mini garage blitz" is when you pause your house-cleaning in order to run through a brief, attack-the-passer (American) football play in your garage. Super fun!
posted by Bob Regular at 12:12 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


But what if my toilet bowl is oval? How often do I clean it?
posted by uncleozzy at 12:12 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


I live on the third floor of a building facing a busy street. I could clean the inside of my windows, but it would be utterly futile - the outside is covered with grime and exhaust particles, and there's no way for me to reach it, so it will always look terrible anyway.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:12 PM on February 28, 2017


I have lived in my current apartment since August, 2014, and I have never cleaned my windows.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:13 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


there's no way for me to reach it

If you have standard American double-hung windows, they probably have little tabs on the top of each window... segment? If you pull the tabs in, the whole window will swing inwards so you can clean the outside face of the glass.
posted by backseatpilot at 12:15 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


that weekly list is fucking bullshit and it's making me incredibly frothingly furious. those 9 tasks in anything other than a small studio apartment would take two people (of the non-professional cleaning person variety) working together a full day, or the entire fucking weekend for one person doing it alone. the fact that we, yes, of course it's women, are expected to spend the entirety of our leisure time performing these stupid useless tasks that do not better our lives in any demonstrable way every single week without fail makes me want to set fire to the entire universe and dance over the ashes.

and for god's sake don't tell me that it will take less time to do once you get used to doing it weekly. THIS ATTITUDE IS PART OF THE PROBLEM
posted by poffin boffin at 12:16 PM on February 28, 2017 [58 favorites]


Seems like a happy application of hofstadter's law where you can delay every single goddamned one of these by 1 category and you'll do OK
posted by hleehowon at 12:16 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


skirting and architrave and dado

Planescape monsters, or EDM subgenres?
posted by theodolite at 12:17 PM on February 28, 2017 [27 favorites]


I cleaned the windows and screens of our house, inside and out, once since we bought it 10 years ago. It was glorious for the brief period they were all sparkly and clean and easy to see out of. Years have passed since then. Now I just look at the dim grimy light coming through the windows, think back to those halcyon days, sigh, and contemplate my own mortality.

I then close the curtains and retreat to the basement.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:19 PM on February 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


Y'all need to watch more crappy British television. Hobs and washing up would all be second nature to you.

If you really want to go crazy at other people's cleaning norms and want to brush up on your crappy British tv, check out Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners. It's all on youtube.
posted by phunniemee at 12:19 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


check out Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

Living with my mother for 18 years was enough, thanks.
posted by backseatpilot at 12:20 PM on February 28, 2017 [11 favorites]


If you have standard American double-hung windows, they probably have little tabs on the top of each window... segment? If you pull the tabs in, the whole window will swing inwards so you can clean the outside face of the glass.

Hmmm... my building is pretty old (over 60 for sure, probably closer to 100) and I don't know how old the windows are, but I'll check on this when I get home!
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:22 PM on February 28, 2017


I actually do a lot of this stuff. I'm impressed with myself right now.

I picked up a can of Scrubbing Bubbles and that has improved my shower game immensely. Spray the tub, brush teeth or do some other thing that takes 2-3 minutes, run shower/pour water around tub to rinse.

Dishes just get put in the dishwasher as I go.

Laundry get sorted as I go, because I have 4 laundry baskets and when I get undressed, I just throw everything into its respective basket.

Towels get washed every week, sheets get changed out (I have 3 sets) and the dirty set washed at my convenience.

Decent at dusting weekly. Not good at wiping out appliances. My curtains could stand to be washed. I do actually wash all my blankets once a month. Vacuum my mattress?! I don't think I've ever cleaned my dishwasher.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:23 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Hmm. I live in a pretty small apartment, but the weekly stuff on the list is the stuff I aspire to do weekly. Sometimes it gets done every other week, which is fine. If I let it go much longer than that, I start seeing dust bunnies and whatnot.

I agree that there's no way I'm cleaning the toilet and shower daily, though.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:23 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I've just googled how to wash a washing machine. I'll have to give that a whirl.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:24 PM on February 28, 2017


Time to reclaim the word slattern.
posted by mushhushshu at 12:25 PM on February 28, 2017 [40 favorites]


I actually love lists like this and aspire to be the kind of person who would follow them. Of course I fall woefully short, but judging by what I've seen when house hunting, I think I'm closer to the goal than most. But I have never once in my life vacuumed my mattress. I mean, I can see the point, but mostly only if you have dust mite allergies, in which case you should have a mattress protector. I can't see anyone else getting any discernible benefit from a vacuumed mattress. Also, if wiping lightbulbs is a thing you're going to do, it seems like a thing you should do more than once a year.
posted by HotToddy at 12:27 PM on February 28, 2017


Eh, I do about 90% of all of this stuff. Though some the weekly stuff on the list I do every other week.

Then again, I'm a stay at home dad with a 1 year old daughter who doesn't walk yet and she consistently takes 2 hour naps in the middle of the day.

Once she learns how walk though, it's (to quote a late 20th century philosopher who died recently) "Game over, Man. Game over."

Snarking aside, I do try really hard to get all of this stuff done during the week so my wife and I can spend quality time together on the weekends.
posted by Groundhog Week at 12:28 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


If you are cleaning up around your toilet daily you might as well not have a toilet.
posted by srboisvert at 12:33 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


If you are cleaning up around your toilet daily you might as well not have a toilet.

Or you have two young boys in your family who cannot -- for fucks sake what the hell is wrong with them I can't believe this is still happening at their age I thought they would grow out of this -- reliably hit the toilet bowl.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:36 PM on February 28, 2017 [13 favorites]


I was once doing some of those 3-6 months and yearly things. But then I found the dead mouse, so problem solved.
posted by lagomorphius at 12:38 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


fimbulveter, ever see a split stream?
posted by thelonius at 12:38 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Oh god we have an almost-three-year-old who is still using little toddler potties and I can promise you that most of my house is covered in piss drips.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I once caught my youngest hosing down the room for giggles. It was the uncontrolled giggling coming out of the bathroom that gave it away.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:40 PM on February 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


hobs and toilets

That "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" sequel was never very popular.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:43 PM on February 28, 2017 [21 favorites]


But I have never once in my life vacuumed my mattress.

and like, it's the same vacuum you're using on your floors! the floors that the dirty outside shoes have stepped on. the shoes covered in street filth and grossness. why not just wear your dirty shoes in bed now. why not just rub them on your face.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:50 PM on February 28, 2017 [19 favorites]


I think I'll get my cleaning tips from Good Enough Housekeeping instead, thankyouverymuch.
posted by Liesl at 12:50 PM on February 28, 2017 [50 favorites]


I've just googled how to wash a washing machine. I'll have to give that a whirl.

what is this madness
posted by tivalasvegas at 12:52 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think I'll get my cleaning tips from Good Enough Housekeeping instead, thankyouverymuch.
I would totally subscribe to this magazine.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:53 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


and like, it's the same vacuum you're using on your floors! the floors that the dirty outside shoes have stepped on. the shoes covered in street filth and grossness. why not just wear your dirty shoes in bed now. why not just rub them on your face.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:50 PM on February 28


But it's not. When you're doing it correctly you have a separate end/attachment/brush for upholstery and other things are are dusty but not dirty.
posted by sardonyx at 12:54 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


I've just googled how to wash a washing machine

You just put clean laundry in and reverse the spin. Duh. The clothes do come out dirty, though, so you'll need to put them back in and run a forward cycle afterwards.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:54 PM on February 28, 2017 [29 favorites]


and like, it's the same vacuum you're using on your floors! the floors that the dirty outside shoes have stepped on. the shoes covered in street filth and grossness. why not just wear your dirty shoes in bed now. why not just rub them on your face.
This is why your vacuum comes with a separate upholstery attachment.

Oh, god, I'm a compulsive cleaner now, aren't I? When did this happen?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:55 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


oh sorry i don't have the correct fancy vacuum that has a special mattress attachment i guess, let me go make that vital purchase posthaste
posted by poffin boffin at 12:55 PM on February 28, 2017 [15 favorites]


I think I'll get my cleaning tips from Good Enough Housekeeping instead, thankyouverymuch.

I would totally subscribe to this magazine.


I feel like Unfuck Your Habitat is pretty close to this.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:58 PM on February 28, 2017 [13 favorites]


I feel like I need to clarify. While I know what to do and how to do it and what attachments to use, I never quite lived up to the better-than-Martha-Stewart standard of the person who raised me when it comes to housekeeping.
posted by sardonyx at 12:59 PM on February 28, 2017


and like, it's the same vacuum you're using on your floors!

In the show Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners, there's one guy who has five different, ahem, "hoovers" so they don't intermix. Four are active use and one's just a show hoover, it doesn't get used. And then there was another lady who has two hoovers so she can hoover her hoover.
posted by phunniemee at 12:59 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


Also I have no rugs and therefore do not own a vacuum at all. But I should prooooobably get a dustbuster for my couch, rather them my current strategy of "pick up the cushions and beat them like old-timey rugs, them sweep out the innards."
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:59 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I have the attachment but my kitchen is covered in yoga mats, first because I was rehabbing a dog and didn't want him to slip and now because I have a crazy puppy and don't want him to slip, and the only way I've found to clean them is with the upholstery attachment. Yes it is incredibly tedious.
posted by HotToddy at 1:01 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Internal paintwork is skirting and architrave and dado/picture rails if you have such things, also the bannisters.

but how often should I scrub down my plinths? when do the family crypts need de-mouldering? should my gloriette be cleaned on the same schedule as my house? do my waterleaf capitals need to be dusted weekly or monthly?? this article does not go far enough, I say
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:02 PM on February 28, 2017 [39 favorites]


oh sorry i don't have the correct fancy vacuum that has a special mattress attachment i guess

OMG and you admitted that out loud, on the Internet?? You are either very brave, or have no shame whatsoever.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:06 PM on February 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


I really love my Dyson dustbuster.

I'd also like to point out that it does not take one person all weekend to do the weekly list. I live alone in a 1900 sq ft house and I can knock out all those things in about 3 hours (with the possible exception of non-linens laundry). And I assure all and sundry that I am by no means a neat-freak.

I don't necessarily count laundry because it's not like I have to take it down to the river and scrub it on a washboard. I can do laundry while I do other housework, or while I dick around online or take a nap. Same with dishes. I don't have to stand there and watch them being washed.

I prefer to do laundry during the week because that saves time on the weekend. Wake up, throw in a load (see previous post about how I have optimized for "lazy sorting"), get ready for work, throw it in the dryer before I leave, put it away when I get home.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:08 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


she can hoover her hoover.

That sounds...dirty, somehow. Tell me more.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:09 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


this article does not go far enough, I say

You might enjoy the short-lived spinoff series, Obsessive Compulsive Country House Cleaners.
posted by phunniemee at 1:09 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I get my hob hoovered at least fortnightly, whether it needs it or not.
posted by Floydd at 1:15 PM on February 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


Taking note of how many people minimizing the time involved here have dishwashers and in-home washer/dryers. Just saying.
posted by praemunire at 1:36 PM on February 28, 2017 [20 favorites]


> check out Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

Guess what I'm going to do now instead of housework
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:36 PM on February 28, 2017 [16 favorites]


Look all I'm saying is that by allowing many layers of sedimentary dirt to accumulate I'm basically being a hero to future archaeologists. I refuse to stand in the way of science.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 1:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [13 favorites]


by allowing many layers of sedimentary dirt to accumulate I'm basically being a hero to future archaeologists.

I expect your soups have gotten considerably more complex by now.
posted by tivalasvegas at 1:46 PM on February 28, 2017 [12 favorites]


I have lived in my current apartment since August, 2014, and I have never cleaned my windows.

The house I moved into in June has an 8 foot-long window in the living room. It's a great window! And it's the perfect place for the cat tree, because the cats can lounge on it while passively judging pedestrian passersby and their dogs.

It was pretty obvious that the people who lived there before me never ever cleaned that window, so I washed it about a month ago. Bought a squeegee and everything. And man, the living room was so much brighter after I cleaned the window both inside and out!

Then the cat who had an upper respiratory virus sneezed on the window while sitting on the cat tree, leaving a goopy drip trail of cat snot.

Moral of the story: Don't bother.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:49 PM on February 28, 2017 [20 favorites]


How can you be both someone who bathes your children in chloroxylenol, and also be someone who wears shoes inside?

*runs to Fanfare*
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:50 PM on February 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


I don't live alone in a 1900 square foot house, but if I did it would be immeasurably easier to keep clean than my 600 square feet of decrepit squalor that I share with a messy partner, with no laundry facilities, no dishwasher and a bathroom where the toilet is in constant danger of falling through the floor. At one time I lived in a 2700 square foot home with two dogs, two cats, and two other people and I can assure you that it was far easier to keep clean than my current garret.
posted by alltomorrowsparties at 1:50 PM on February 28, 2017 [11 favorites]


My cleaning (laundry and dishes aside) is very stochastic and driven by desperation.

"Oh shit! The bottom shelf of the fridge is disgusting! That's terrible! What if someone saw that?! How did I not see that before?! I better drop everything I'm doing and pull everything off that shelf and wash it and the drawers right now!!!"

(Repeat erratically for random dirty things my eyes fall on while I'm feeling anxious.)
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:52 PM on February 28, 2017 [15 favorites]


Supposing I owned a doormat, if I found myself washing it once a month, I would seriously -- real talk, no hyperbole -- set up a psych consult, because that's some "altered mental status" right there, and I'm a danger to self and others.
posted by sourcequench at 1:58 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


Hell yes, I'm minimizing the time involved because I have a dishwasher and in-home washer and dryer. That's the best part about having those things. I've washed enough dishes and used enough communal laundry rooms/off-site laundry. I don't miss those days at all.

I'd say that my house is about the same effort to clean as my 1BR apartment was, where I lived prior to buying the house. The apartment was much faster to clean, but it also got dirty a lot faster. The house is more work to clean, but gets dirty at about 1/3 the rate of the apartment.
posted by Autumnheart at 2:01 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


i love to learn about how i'm cleaning things wrong like how it's bad that i don't clean the toilet bowl every damn day but i am also screwing up by vacuuming daily because i hate stepping on random tiny pieces of cat litter
posted by burgerrr at 2:05 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


How can you be both someone who bathes your children in chloroxylenol, and also be someone who wears shoes inside?

This show.

Clean lady 1: "I clean my toilet four times a day and use a whole bottle of bleach. If it doesn't hurt my throat it's not clean."
Clean lady 2: "I've never used my cooker but I clean it twice a day. We only eat takeaway."
Clean lady 3: "I give my children a dettol bath once a week."
Clean ladies 1, 2: "YOU WOT??"
posted by phunniemee at 2:06 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


dirty outside shoes have stepped on

Who does this? And I am really asking - in real-life, which cultures never take off their outside shoes?

I guess I have gone all "grumpy old man", but I can't stop from making comments and cringing whenever I see someone on a sitcom wearing shoes in their house... putting them up on their couch, their coffee table, wandering everywhere in their home with outdoor shoes on.... and these people supposedly live in North-Eastern big cities that get snow and rain and sleet...

I have never met a Canadian family where this was the norm - nor Australian or NZ. Is this an American thing?

... At least Mr.Rogers would make a big deal about changing his outdoor footwear when he got home, weren't other sitcom families paying attention?...
posted by jkaczor at 2:16 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I have actually hoovered the vacuum cleaner. Because you learn that forgetting to put the dust bag in has expensive consequences. So the second time you forget the dust bag you borrow the neighbours' vacuum cleaner and vacuum your vacuum.
Note: don't try vacuuming your vacuum with itself due to the danger of warping the space time continuum when it gets sucked up its own hose.
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:19 PM on February 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


In my early 20s, I lived in an apartment where the caretaker would clean the oven by hosing it down with ammonia and turning it on to broil. No idea how that dude was still alive. I went back to return my key and felt like I'd dry-cleaned my lungs just in those few minutes. To think he would do that on a regular basis.

Wearing shoes in the house tends to be prevalent in places where you don't get much in the way of mud or snow, and/or have hard floors throughout so one isn't dirtying carpet.
posted by Autumnheart at 2:21 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


> Who does this? And I am really asking - in real-life, which cultures never take off their outside shoes

This comes up a lot here. I think it's partly regional, partly generational, partly cultural.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:25 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Conan visits the Good Housekeeping Laboratory

For one brief shining moment I had a vision of a muscular leather-clad barbarian gravely attending to the study of how to wield a feather duster.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:27 PM on February 28, 2017 [19 favorites]


ooo I feel like we're getting dangerously close to this turning into another shoes-on-vs-shoes-off-while-indoors thread. *pulse quickens*
posted by sprezzy at 2:29 PM on February 28, 2017 [16 favorites]


I think that "clean round toilet bowl" is ambiguous. I don't think it means to give the toilet bowl the full treatment with the cleanser and the brush and all that. But it could mean either cleaning the floor around the toilet, or it could mean cleaning the rim. To me, it's not clear.
posted by anothermug at 2:37 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I have been married for almost forty years. I used to be somewhat slovenly. My wife is about halfway up the charts on the anal retentive/OCD chart. There was a time in her 20s/30s when she would have looked on that chart and determined that it was a good start but needed some work. She has mellowed considerably because of some medical issues and I'm now the primary cleaning/polishing force. I'll never be up to her standards but it is fascinating about how fussy I have gotten.

You want inspiration to clean your house? Watch a couple episodes of those hoarding shows. You'll be hauling out garbage and scrubbing grouting with a toothbrush in no time. [shudders]

dangerously close to this turning into another shoes-on-vs-shoes-off-while-indoors thread

Let's get it on. It beats me wasting hours gnashing my teeth in yet another fucking Trump thread.
posted by Ber at 2:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


I think that "clean round toilet bowl" is ambiguous.

Seems perfectly straightforward to me. If your toilet is shaped like this, you clean it. If your toilet is shaped like this, you don't.
posted by phunniemee at 2:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


For one brief shining moment I had a vision of a muscular leather-clad barbarian gravely attending to the study of how to wield a feather duster.

Housekeeper General: Conan! What is best in life?

Conan: Crush your dustbunnies. See the grime driven before you. Hear the lamentations of the germs.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [15 favorites]


Sent to my spouse. Thanks, metafilter!
posted by zennie at 2:40 PM on February 28, 2017


Or you have two young boys in your family who cannot -- for fucks sake what the hell is wrong with them I can't believe this is still happening at their age I thought they would grow out of this -- reliably hit the toilet bowl.

Such bullshit. Men don't have to stand, unless they are at a urinal. FFS, SIT already! In this house, it was sit or clean up EVERY SINGLE DROP! I mean, if I see ONE little droplet, you are in such deep shit you may never, ever pee standing up again because I'll break your legs. I'm not your mother not your f'ckin maid! That said, ♥I love you, boys.♥ Histrionics aside, oddly enough, it never came to a major confrontation or lecture. I showed them how to clean up when they were small (and after they were gone re-cleaned, because I'm That. Way.) Dad would help them sometimes. Sitting or standing was your choice, but dad was a role model for standing after working all day on his feet. It just was an expectation.

Do yourself a favor, do the future girlfriends/wives/boyfriends/house cleaners of your sons a favor, and teach your boys first, to clean up after themselves, and second, to sit. Especially if they have trouble with accidental over-spray, they're tired, or drunk. I cringe when I think of what your husband does. Or doesn't do, if he's not in there standing over the boys explaining that a REAL man isn't a pig.

My husband stands or sits, as the mood takes him. He sired two children, so it obviously didn't affect his manhood. Both my sons were not driven to some type of phobia or psychotic break. All three of them keep the toilet clean, although I'm the bathroom cleaner in my house, and the single son that lives alone always has dog hair on and around his toilet and on the bathroom floor. (*gets the vapors, fans self thinking about it*)
posted by BlueHorse at 2:40 PM on February 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


Aggie and Kim, save us!
posted by jfwlucy at 2:45 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I finally clicked through to TFA and it's much less exciting than I thought it would be. It's made for people who want some guidance, and is a tad aspirational. I wouldn't wipe down my shower daily, for example, but if you live somewhere with hard water that's not unreasonable. My stovetop is a pain to clean so I procrastinate, but if it were less annoying than sure, wipe up the gunk before it gets baked on.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:56 PM on February 28, 2017


You mean Spring Cleaning isn't the time that you clean once a year?
posted by SpacemanStix at 2:59 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I just rewired a bunch of lamps that were getting pretty scary, and one of them had a really dusty lightbulb in it, so I actually did wipe a lightbulb like last week, but now I am going to go put some dirt back on it.
posted by ernielundquist at 3:01 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I use that spray stuff for the shower because my water is hard as all get out, it does a pretty decent job and smells OK.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 3:06 PM on February 28, 2017


And then there was another lady who has two hoovers so she can hoover her hoover.

I have a cat so I understand this.
posted by srboisvert at 3:16 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


If my memory serves me correctly, a "mini garage blitz" is when you pause your house-cleaning in order to run through a brief, attack-the-passer (American) football play in your garage. Super fun!

I think you're missing some context here; this is a .co.uk website, so they're probably talking about dropping high explosives on your garage from an æro-plane.
posted by indubitable at 3:20 PM on February 28, 2017 [10 favorites]


I cringe when I think of what your husband does.

Well, I can help relieve your worries on that account! I am the husband! I will go on the record as saying that I don't have a problem in such matters, so Mrs. Fimbulvetr has no concerns on that account. I do try to convince the boys to sit, and I try to get them to clean up their mess. Trouble is, they will each blame the other so I end up cleaning it up.
posted by fimbulvetr at 3:49 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


"Dust household surfaces"

Damned things have enough dust on them without my contributions. That shit just happens on its own. #ameliabedelia4eva
posted by Ogre Lawless at 4:02 PM on February 28, 2017 [13 favorites]


I, too, was expecting-- perhaps even hoping for-- Conan the Barbarian.

However, I was also hoping there was an ancient magical relic hidden in the Good Housekeeping Laboratory.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 4:06 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I try to get them to clean up their mess. Trouble is, they will each blame the other so I end up cleaning it up.

Time for some Tough Love: "Okay then, you both get to clean it up!" Pretty soon they'll be policing each other so they don't have to clean up the other's pee.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:11 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


Getting a cat has done wonders for my housekeeping.

- Left something on a table? Look forward to it being on the floor! You should have put it away!
- Been a couple of weeks since you vacuumed? Hair tufts, hair tufts everywhere!
posted by quaking fajita at 4:20 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


whenever I see someone on a sitcom wearing shoes in their house

people in American sitcoms wear bras inside their own houses, too. the shoe thing isn't meant to be taken any more seriously or literally than that is. the magic of television.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


I thought this was interesting to compare what people do and I'm amazed by how much of that I do actually do (especially compared with the slob I used to be), though my habits are driven largely by dog hair that forms tumbleweeds if not vacuumed regularly, and by my dust allergies. The stuff I do less frequently... well I'm happy with those things the way they are because they are mostly just cosmetic. I should clean the bathroom more but again I'm better than I was (it's over a decade since I grew mushrooms in my shower...).

Like Squeak Attack many of my jobs get tackled in an anxious fit of OMG that's awful I have to deal with it now. I've learned to harness these fits. This week it is the oven, which really was terrible. A few manic attempts with several different cleaning products and it's heaps better and I'm about to give in and say it's good enough. Last week it was the window tracks, where every insect in my neighbourhood had gone to die and decompose. Not sure what my next project will be - maybe the dreaded cupboard under the stairs where I chuck random stuff.
posted by cloverthistle at 4:54 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I just don't see the point of taking my shoes off in the house when I have cats who are kicking shit around their litter box with their naked feet and claws every hour of the day and night and then walking on virtually everything I own. I just keep them out of the bedroom and try not to lick the floors.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 4:59 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


My housecleaning method is to invite people over so I have to clean up.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:59 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


My housecleaning method is to invite people over so I have to clean up.

Mine is just to have friends who are grosser than I am so they don't notice I haven't cleaned.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 5:10 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


My housecleaning method is to invite people over so I have to clean up.

I have the same strategy.

Except I invite the same person at the same time every week.
Then I pay them.
And when they leave, things are magically cleaner.
posted by madajb at 5:12 PM on February 28, 2017 [23 favorites]


I'm from the Quentin Crisp school of housekeeping: After the first four years, the dust doesn't get any worse.
posted by MrBadExample at 5:13 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Hmm, I think I do clean my dishwasher every couple of months, if what is meant by cleaning is doing a load with a dishwasher cleaner like Affresh tossed in in addition to the dishwasher detergent. The current kitchen came with a stainless dishwasher that requires regular use of aforementioned product to keep the inside all shiny. I used to use Dishwasher Magic with previous dishwashers, but the wax cap just won't melt in a water-saving dishwasher, so I had to switch products.

Whenever I move to a new place with a washer I clean it with Washer Magic before I do laundry for the first time. Sometimes the before and after difference has been startling.
posted by research monkey at 5:18 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Except I invite the same person at the same time every week.
Then I pay them.
And when they leave, things are magically cleaner.


I have found that when this is an option, it prevents an amazing amount of domestic friction and irritation.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:18 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I aspire to be the person who religiously follows this list, living a pure and moral life blessed by holy cleanliness. I am, however, currently sitting on mysterious crumbs on my couch. I do, however vacuum my mattress every single week when I change bedsheets! I'm also the person who disassembles her vacuum to clean it piece-by-piece yearly. As an avid cook with no dishwasher, plus a dish rack that consumes over half my counter-space, however, my kitchen is perpetually a mess. C'est la vie. I have a life to live.
posted by missmary6 at 5:41 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I have a life to live.

Indeed. "Don't sweat the petty stuff."
and don't pet the sweaty stuff
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:56 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


Like Squeak Attack many of my jobs get tackled in an anxious fit of OMG that's awful I have to deal with it now. I've learned to harness these fits.

My mother refers to this as a "burst of thyroid"
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:56 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


Wearing shoes in the house tends to be prevalent in places where you don't get much in the way of mud or snow

Ha Ha!

The whole bloody field was underwater this year! I have a cow dog. I have three cats. I have four horses and keep two more for a friend. The cats and the dog don't wipe their feet, although occasionally I do wipe off the dog if the mud is more than a half inch thick on her. I'm outside with the horses at least three times a day. I take my muck boots off. Mr. BlueHorse may or may not, depending on if he is just going to go back out again. *sigh*

I do not have a mud room, because the dining room french doors are the easiest doors to go out to the back. I do not have carpets. I do have (inexpensive) area rugs, and I have a pressure washer that gets yanked out for spring cleaning.

I'm in the process of tearing my saddle apart in the dining room to clean and oil it with neatsfoot. Gives me a good reason to scrub the tile floor in the dining room and kitchen.

When I clean, I clean the everlovin' crap out of things. I use scrungers, old toothbrushes, toothpicks, q-tips, and I take stuff apart. I take the knobs off the stove when I scrub it, pull all the racks out of the fridge, and pull and scrub the outlet covers and switch plates when we paint every five or six years or so. The reason I wash windows (hate hate hate it) and wash light fixtures and wipe bulbs is because I hate even more the dirt that makes it darker in this house (and bug corpses.) MOER LIGHT, PLEZ!

In between each cleaning frenzy, I have a dog, three cats, and a kinda messy husband. We live in the house without going worrying about keeping it spotless. I have a sheet on my couch for the dog to sleep on. (Dang stinky dog, you're NOT supposed to sleep on the couch. Here's your sheet and a blankie.)

Mr. fimbulvetr, I'ma relieved to hear that your wife loves you for many reasons (one of which is because you are properly house-trained.) Feel free to use the facilities in my house anytime!

Greg Ace has it. Let your darling boys take turns cleaning the bathroom. Not only do they stop peeing on the floor, it's amazing how much better they get at putting clothes in the hamper, wiping off the toothpaste, not putting gunk on the mirrors, etc.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:33 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


How have we gotten this far without anyone commenting on "make beds" being on the daily checklist? Do people really consider that cleaning? Maybe if I were staying at a hotel and it was someone else's job, but at home? If I'm not expecting company? No way.
posted by indubitable at 6:54 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I make the bed right before bedtime because I hate asymmetrical sheet distribution. It gives me the no-sleeps.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:04 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


I "make my bed" in the sense that I get out of bed, grab the duvet-and-sheet by the side as one unit, and give it a good shake over the bed. Then I tug the corners so that the duvet is covering the whole bed. Then I put the pillows where the pillows go. It takes literally 60 seconds.

I do not understand people who bother to ~make their beds~ in the sense of making fucking hospital corners or whatever, but coming home to a flat-surface bed versus a scrunched-up-nightmare bed just FEELS nicer. And again, literally 60 seconds.

(To be honest I go through phases where I do and don't do this, but I'm in an 'on' phase right now, in addition to just making sure to glance around the room every night and pick up any stray crap, and it really does make me feel so much more sane to come home to a relatively un-messy room. (To be even more honest, I would never ever do this at all if I did not literally have a checklist stuck to my dresser.))
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:19 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


My very expensive (to me) washing machine broke because i didn't read the manual about cleaning it, though I did wonder where the lint went. I bought a less expensive replacement 3 months ago and I know there's something in there about cleaning something (nothing so simple as a lint filter) but I have misplaced the manual so this one will probably break too.
posted by b33j at 7:19 PM on February 28, 2017


Dirty windows save lives! Birds are much more likely to injure themselves by flying into the glass if your windows are sparkly clean. Think of our feathered friends, and keep that nice film of grime!

Also serves as uv block coating here in Florida. So I'm keeping my AC costs down, and helping the environment!

In summary, my windows are a land of few contrasts.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 7:20 PM on February 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


A made bed: cats can gambol about, but they don't get filthy litter feet or whatever they caught in your sheets/on your pillow while you're at work.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:23 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I'm not clicking through to the article today because this is not a night I need to face the breadth and depth of my domestic inadequacies, but this IS Southern California so something something water conservation.

I make the bed every day because my beloved insists on a flat sheet that he refuses to tuck under the mattress because he needs his feet free even though he totally tucks the bottom of the sheet under them anyway at bed time(?!) and a bunched-up flat sheet is let's say not the sensory experience I'm looking for at the end of the night
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 7:43 PM on February 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


> . I wouldn't wipe down my shower daily, for example, but if you live somewhere with hard water that's not unreasonable.

Get yourself one of them there all-purpose Squeegees for the shower, and use it to wipe it down. It will change your life, I tell you!
posted by magstheaxe at 8:34 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Also: I vastly prefer this schedule, myself.
posted by magstheaxe at 8:36 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Who does this? And I am really asking - in real-life, which cultures never take off their outside shoes?

idk but i deeply fear them and their filthy homes
posted by poffin boffin at 8:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]



My housecleaning method is to invite people over so I have to clean up.

Mine is just to have friends who are grosser than I am so they don't notice I haven't cleaned.


i don't tell people where i live so they can't come over
posted by poffin boffin at 8:42 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Please don't tell anyone how I live.

I would just like to find a way to stay on top of the dust. It's not normal.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:50 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


In my dreams I live in one of those sleek, modern homes you see in architectural high-end home design magazines. You know the ones--no knick-knacks or books or anything on the shelves, no appliances sitting on the counters, every personal item stored neatly away in drawers in the bedroom. It's not that I like that aesthetic. It's fine, but my tastes run toward rooms that are warmer and more inviting. The reason I want to live someplace like that because it would be so easy to dust. None of this pulling books off the shelf and dusting each individual one hassle. Now maybe if I were better organized and had more storage my surfaces would be neater and dusting would be less of a chore. Or maybe I'm just dreaming, but it's a nice dream.
posted by sardonyx at 9:12 PM on February 28, 2017


If you are cleaning up around your toilet daily you might as well not have a toilet.

Or you have two young boys in your family who cannot -- for fucks sake what the hell is wrong with them I can't believe this is still happening at their age I thought they would grow out of this -- reliably hit the toilet bowl.


I've had adult roommates who cannot reliably hit the toilet bowl.
posted by atoxyl at 9:39 PM on February 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Much like speed limits, the toilet bowl's circle is merely a suggestion.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:44 PM on February 28, 2017


I do not understand people who bother to ~make their beds~ in the sense of making fucking hospital corners or whatever, but coming home to a flat-surface bed versus a scrunched-up-nightmare bed just FEELS nicer. And again, literally 60 seconds.

I understand it, but for me "make bed on the way out in the morning" is my own personal bellwether for how much things are under control. It might be a completely self-placatory illusion and no real indicator of anything, but even if the rest of my apartment is a disaster, coming home to even a half-assedly made bed can make the difference between having a productive or at least relaxing evening, or falling prey instead to a visit from the anxiety demons who insist on mentioning the futility of waging an endless unwinnable war on the rot-toothed and smirking forces of entropy, and why don't you just watch TV and shotgun pringles instead you dumb jerk?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:01 PM on February 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


people in American sitcoms wear bras inside their own houses, too

Only the Internet has introduced me to the idea that some people take their bras off inside their houses. Suggesting on reddit that this was not universal immediately got me the most viciously dramatic downvoting of any comment I've made, and I'm still a little bewildered by that. My sister was surprised to find out I actually didn't prefer to wear one to sleep, for context of what I consider normal.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 10:44 PM on February 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


It wasn't until after some frank conversations with more endowed folks that I realized bra-at-home was, for some, the less uncomfortable option. At home I tend to split the difference with built-in shelf-bra tank tops so that things are confined but I can still slouch comfortably. Sleeping in a bra, though? There are few other ways to guarantee such crushing morning regret.
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 11:16 PM on February 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Obsessive cleaning compulsion is all well and good until your septic system backs up and you literally have shit all over the first floor of your house. Don't ask me how I know. And I get upset when handymen don't take their shoes off.
posted by waving at 12:46 AM on March 1, 2017


Taking note of how many people minimizing the time involved here have dishwashers and in-home washer/dryers. Just saying.

This is passive aggressive even by Metafilter standards: Just say what you want to say & get it out there. Telling everyone that you’ve just put them on your little list of bad people is a bit creepy frankly.

(Obviously I am taking note of the people who would take note of people like this.)
posted by pharm at 1:12 AM on March 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


I'm not sure that meant they were literally making a list.
posted by atoxyl at 1:40 AM on March 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Never ever point out that some of us are poor, not even obliquely, because it makes people defensive and if you're not up front about it, you're being passive-aggressive. Time and time again.....
posted by alltomorrowsparties at 2:05 AM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Unfuck Your Habitat was mentioned earlier, and I find their app to be quite helpful for those small windows of time where you know you should probably do some cleaning but are at a loss for where to start (or simply lack the motivation). I tell myself that OK, I will do one 10-minute challenge and then sit down. So UfYH says "wipe down all your door handles, light switches and banisters". In the process I discover that yes, they were actually quite grimy. Afterwards I can bask in the satisfaction of getting at least one obscure job done. I'm always hoping that somehow cleaning light switches or whatever will come up during conversation in the following days, so I can put on the smuggest tone ever and declare that yes, I did clean all the light switches just this Monday. What did you think I am, some kind of animal?
posted by Harald74 at 2:19 AM on March 1, 2017 [4 favorites]


Other than that, we've got one of those daily/weekly/monthly lists gathering dust in the kitchen.
posted by Harald74 at 2:19 AM on March 1, 2017


The same message could easily have been phrased in a direct fashion. Something like: “people who can’t afford washing machines or dryers are going to find these artificial standards much harder to live up to than those who can. Bear that in mind when talking about this that these arbitrary standards of cleanliness place a greater burden on those who can’t afford such labour saving devices.”

(OK, my phrasing is probably too verbose + wordy: it’s a fault, I know.)

As I said, it’s the passive aggressiveness that I’m complaining about, not the thought that lay behind it. The whole making a little list of class enemies thing just makes it a bit weird.
posted by pharm at 2:20 AM on March 1, 2017 [4 favorites]


I am poor and I am not ashamed of it, but many people who are poor feel a lot of shame about it; especially when we're talking standards of cleanliness, which has a strong component of moral judgment inherent in the very concept. Being poor often means living in conditions where the standard described in the link and by some of the commenters is just not obtainable. Other people may have health conditions that make big cleaning jobs an impossibility. Surely you can comprehend that for those of us who are struggling and living in substandard housing that the blithe banter about 'just buy x or y' or 'just do your laundry while you do other things' or how to clean your dishwasher is going to engender some rancor in those who cannot 'just' do those things and how the assumption that everyone enjoys these comforts might lead one to make a comment while angry, hurt and defensive which might sound passive aggressive. Like I said, cleanliness is often seen as a marker of moral worth and there's a huge shame factor attached to not measuring up to the standards of others. I only entered this thread for the window cleaning tips, but I quickly began looking at my home and feeling bad about it. I've kept a clean home before and I know this home is not clean and I hate it. I understand what led to that remark and I empathize with the person who made it. The fact is, we all live in different circumstances and some empathy for those with less would go a long way.
posted by alltomorrowsparties at 2:47 AM on March 1, 2017 [10 favorites]


I agree entirely atp. I also think that less passive-aggressive snark would be a better thing for MF all round. I hope these things are not in opposition to each other.
posted by pharm at 3:13 AM on March 1, 2017 [4 favorites]


Addressing the bathroom cleaning. My life became easier, waaayyy easier, when I put the following in reach of the toilet: cleaning surface wipes; liquid toilet bowl cleaner; toilet brush in a clay pot and spare toilet paper. I got three kids, four if you count the husband. I use the cleaning wipes to take care of drops, dribbles and encrustations. The toilet gets a squirt of cleaner and a swish from the brush which dries nicely in the clay pot. The spare toilet paper provides immediate re-supply. All this takes me is 5 minutes. I am into squalor control.
posted by jadepearl at 4:11 AM on March 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


None of this pulling books off the shelf and dusting each individual one hassle.

Ha. Hahah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Good one.

Oh wait. Are you serious? Man, I can't even imagine attempting that one. Too many books. That would be a serious multi-week chore.

my house has way way too much crap in it
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:37 AM on March 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


Which is exactly why I don't dust as often as I should. But when I do (and believe me it does take FOREVER), I go to town and everything becomes totally pristine--for the two-and-a-half minutes before the dust reappears. It's a Sisyphean chore.
posted by sardonyx at 8:24 AM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


The area I live in has the hardest water in the country. If limescale builds up in the toilet bowl, the toilet will not flush properly.

You then have the choice of either living with a permanently unflushed toilet bowl, or spending up to an hour a day repeatedly flushing. It's extra fun if other members of the household make different choices! Words cannot describe the joy of waking up in the middle of the night to vomit into an unflushed toilet bowl.

The tel3mum used to rave that the plumber should finally, really, fix the toilet this time so that it flushes! Really! He had to do that! This time! But the problem was the limescale, which she didn't want to know about. I learned a lot of techniques for quick cleaning when I worked in a hospital as a teen, but those don't make an impact if you're dealing with literally decades' worth of dirt and mess.

What finally worked was replacing the toilet altogether, after 25-30 years. I finally have a toilet that will flush, provided I infuse it with hydrochloric acid bleach daily, and scrub it from time to time. As part of this process, it's a no-brainer to also wipe away the surface dirt and dust.

I realize that probably makes me a bad person according to the prevailing world view of MeFi, the Guardian, and basically everyone else, and occasionally yes I do miss the joy of waking up in the middle of the night to vomit into an unflushed toilet bowl. But I can't find it within myself to repent, somehow.
posted by tel3path at 8:54 AM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


tel3path: you live near me IIRC. In my experience the solution to limescale build up is several litres of phosphoric acid poured into the toilet (acetic will do in a pinch). Leave it to soak for a few hours (or overnight), then flush & a quick scrub.

The solution to lots of built up limescale is likewise lots of phosphoric acid poured in and left to soak. Several times in succession.

5L containers of the stuff are cheap on Amazon. Acetic acid is even cheaper. Works wonders.
posted by pharm at 9:05 AM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


And as for those of you who don't vacuum your mattress - how do you deal with the average weekly buildup of potato chips and cookie crumbs?!? I can't help thinking that MeFi is composed of some very odd people!
posted by tel3path at 9:05 AM on March 1, 2017


pharm, thanks for the tip. My goal, though, is to prevent limescale from building up in the first place, because I always think that's easier.

And in the previous case we were talking about literally 30-35 YEARS of built-up limescale. My guess is I'd have had to repeat that process until the toilet itself was gone, along with probably major sections of the bathroom, its floor, and its exterior supporting walls.
posted by tel3path at 9:07 AM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


My children are gleefully attracted to freshly washed windows (which includes the storm door which serves as our screen door for the front door). So washing of child-reachable windows is futile and only leads to fresh handprints.

I do wash the outside windows and dust off the screens once a year, once the rainy season has ended (so, part of my spring cleaning routine). Once a year. That monthly stuff is for the birds.

Protip: I learned from a stained glass class that the best way to wash windows is by using rubbing alcohol. It leaves no streaks and no residue.
posted by vignettist at 11:13 AM on March 1, 2017


...this IS Southern California so something something water conservation.
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty?


eponyconservative!

I don't care what anybody says about your housekeeping, Fish. You ARE doing your duty, and that's all that really matters.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:26 AM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


I definitely don't mean to shame anyone about their cleaning routines or lack thereof! I am the last person who should do that, because I seriously lived in squalor for most of my adult life. (And I don't mean that there were occasionally dishes in the sink or dust bunnies in the corners. I mean serious, disgusting squalor.) If anything, housekeeping has been a constant struggle for me, and I like to talk about it a lot because I'm super proud that I finally seem to have got a handle on it.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:27 AM on March 1, 2017 [4 favorites]


I am by temperament a tidy person, but cleaning a ramshackle, pre-1920s apartment is super demoralizing, and I have yet to be able to afford anything built (or significantly renovated) since that time. All the mop- and sponge-snagging cracks and crevices, the stove that fits improperly, the countertops with immovable stains older than me, the walls that mildew and molder at the SLIGHTEST provocation...and if nothing will ever look nice then why bother? So my place may be tidy, but I despair of it ever being clean.

I do clean the toilet rather often, though.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:44 PM on March 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


tele3path, my friend: you first make the bed (60-second version, just shake out the duvet and lay it flat over the fitted sheet, toss the pillows into place, flat sheets are the devil), and then you eat the potato chips while sitting on TOP of the duvet, and then the cats come and eat the potato chip crumbs. It's a whole ecosystem. It does rely on the quick-and-dirty bed-making, though, as the cats are too lazy to go digging in a jumbled-up mess of duvet in the hopes of finding a potato chip crumb.
posted by Stacey at 2:56 PM on March 1, 2017 [6 favorites]


At my age (62), I don't give a fuck what GHI has to say. Advice from you folks, however, is priceless—especially theodolite. (I never subscribed to the New Yorker because I had enough trouble dealing with the accumulation of Mother Jones, the Atlantic, and In These Times. If only I had known then what I learned today.)
posted by she's not there at 6:20 PM on March 1, 2017


Re shoes: This comes up a lot here. I think it's partly regional, partly generational, partly cultural.

No, this is totally about whether you are an absolute heathen OR prepared to live among civilized peopled.
posted by she's not there at 6:29 PM on March 1, 2017 [2 favorites]


I have a clothes washer/dryer, but the dishwasher doesn't work correctly. My spouse and child have no concept of even picking up the objects that they are using when they are done. (I'm talking literally undergarments in the hallway from the front door to the living room. I have found wrappers from food items resting on the countertop DIRECTLY BESIDE THE TRASH CAN.)

I do most of the things on the daily/weekly list, other than making the bed (seriously, what on Earth is the point, unless you're planning on having strangers visit you there?) and windows/dusting.

The windows in our house have blinds that were there when we moved in and which are about two centimeters too wide for the windows they're in, such that opening and closing them requires the application of significant force on the little rotator stick and pulling them up or down is right out. So fuck it, if we're still here in three years, I'll buy blinds that fit and then the windows can get washed.

Dusting I ought to do more, but we have so many little knickknacks out everywhere that it would be an all-day task to dust beneath each one. Even as it is, it really does take me all of one weekend day to accomplish everything for the weekly list, or two days if I don't want to just collapse in exhaustion for the entire second day. If I had to go out for laundry or if we had a larger house, I don't think I could manage. (In fact, I know I couldn't, because we used to have a stupidly large house and I had intermittent crying jags as I was attempting and failing to keep the whole thing clean, with an at-the-time two-year-old and two cats adding to the burden.)

Basically keeping a house in order is a full-time occupation, and it's bullshit that no one believes this anymore.
posted by Scattercat at 12:18 AM on March 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


I am somewhat surprised to find that, between my spouse and I, we aren't too terribly far off for some of these recommendations. Some of the dailies we do weekly, some of the weeklies we do monthly, etc.

But a few of them just sound crazy to me. Wash windows monthly? Wash DOORMATS monthly? Wait, "wash" doormats? WTF are we talking about here? The doormat outside never gets washed. The doormats inside get either vacuumed or shook out about four times a year for seasonal reasons -- like, in January for Christmas tree needles after we take the tree down, in April for the "pink snow" of fallen cherry blossom petals, in summer for potting soil tracked in while putting in garden plants, and late in the fall or mud/leaves tracked in from outside.
posted by desuetude at 9:42 AM on March 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


One time I TRIED to clean my doormat, because it had come with the apartment (it sits in the hallway, not outside), and it was the bristly kind, so it was full of untold years of hair and dust bunnies embedded in the bristles.

Turns out it was literally impossible to get all that shit out. I threw it away and got a $10 replacement from Ikea. Why would anyone ever do this.

(I'm wondering if in the UK doormats are more like, I dunno, like bathmat-style rugs that sit inside the door? That would be a bit more reasonable...)
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:51 AM on March 2, 2017


Oh hey also

>I live on the third floor of a building facing a busy street. I could clean the inside of my windows, but it would be utterly futile - the outside is covered with grime and exhaust particles, and there's no way for me to reach it, so it will always look terrible anyway.

>>If you have standard American double-hung windows, they probably have little tabs on the top of each window... segment? If you pull the tabs in, the whole window will swing inwards so you can clean the outside face of the glass.


HOLY FUCK!! I tried this and it worked, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA

The amount of grime that came off on my hands just from opening the window was unbelievable. This weekend (when I'll be home during daylight) I'm gonna wash the fuck out of those things.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:54 AM on March 2, 2017 [11 favorites]


I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA

I only discovered the super secret window latches last fall after about 5 years living in my apartment. Most days we just glared at the grimy glass. Some other days I'd end up hanging out of the window like Harold Lloyd on that clock face. Don't be like me folks, you can clean your windows with less of an adrenaline rush.
posted by boffin police at 4:31 PM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


« Older I, Robot. You, Weakling.   |   Can the drones deliver my packets? Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments