Internet of shit indeed...

March 13, 2017 1:08 PM

Levi's® Commuter™ x Jacquard by Google Trucker Jacket [YouTube] “The jacket, which will cost around $350 when it goes on sale, is the first commercial product containing ATAP’s Project Jacquard technology, which uses conductive fabric to turn a standard article of clothing into a connected device of sorts that can send instructions to your smartphone, like pausing or skipping a song that’s playing by double tapping your wrist. Think of its functions as similar to those of a smartwatch, but less obtrusive and certainly a lot more stylish.” [via: The Verge]
posted by Fizz (61 comments total)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

Guess I’m an old; this seems handy, but that was my gut reaction.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:12 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Unless the techno-jacket turns into a giant suit of robot armor when I push a button on the sleeve, I'm not interested.

And when that becomes possible, please make sure the button requires a double tap, because it'd suck if I bumped into someone on the train and zeep-zorp-zeen I'm in MechaDude Gladiator mode in the middle of a crowded car. Imagine the complaints of "mech-spreading."
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 1:20 PM on March 13, 2017 [22 favorites]

huh. I don't get what the point is of sewing it into the jacket. Why not just have it be an add-on?

Also, committer jackets don't have long enough sleeves for me. This makes me quite sad.
posted by rebent at 1:20 PM on March 13, 2017

You know, there's a guy who used to frequent this place who has Tweeted no fewer than two stories about not being able to unlock or open things because he didn't have a WiFi signal so I predict one of these days he's not going to be able to unzip his jacket because he forgot a password.
posted by bondcliff at 1:21 PM on March 13, 2017 [25 favorites]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

It's making a touchscreen/touchpad out of fabric.

It uses conductive fibers instead of transparent conductive metals sputtered onto LCD glass. Nothing really magical about it. Looks like it's just transmitting gestures to a smartphone where the real work happens.
posted by JoeZydeco at 1:22 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

They're the Wrong Trousers and they've gone wrong!"- Wallace
posted by tommasz at 1:22 PM on March 13, 2017 [13 favorites]

Also I wish this post had been titled "Internet of Shirt"
posted by rebent at 1:22 PM on March 13, 2017 [64 favorites]

I've got all kinds of feelings stirred up by that video, but the biggest grar are his earbuds. The ones he's wearing look like they'd be pretty good at drowning out the city. Which is EXACTLY want you want when biking around the mean streets of San Francisco :P

Seriously, don't block the sounds of the traffic, cyclists and pedestrians around you. Either wear nothing, or use open bone conduction headphones (that's what I use. I can hear my music and I can hear everything else around me, too).
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 1:23 PM on March 13, 2017 [11 favorites]

That's nice and all, but what I'm really waiting for is for them to bring back the original 511 Commuter jeans, with the reinforced seat. I don't really care if my jacket is internet connected if I'm constantly worried my pants will blow out...
posted by btfreek at 1:23 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

bike helmet??
posted by robbyrobs at 1:23 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

Hey buddy- I got some new technology for you. It's called "clipless pedals."


And "brakes."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:25 PM on March 13, 2017 [7 favorites]

Countdown until somebody's parent or significant other tosses one of these into the washing machine...
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:26 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

bike helmet??

No need for a helmet. If the wearer crashes, the jacket will auto-send a distress text to 911.
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:29 PM on March 13, 2017 [6 favorites]

So, you have to take a hand off your handlebars and throw off your centre of balance to change tracks? Who did the user testing on this?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:30 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

No need for a helmet. If the wearer crashes, the jacket will auto-send a distress text to 911.

The jacket will be laundered via a strategic partnership with a laundry startup. Once clean, it will begin hunting for a new host via UberParasite, as its previous one is still in a coma.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:32 PM on March 13, 2017 [8 favorites]

bike helmet??

It's a fixie, so more like "fedora?"
posted by Thorzdad at 1:42 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

So, you have to take a hand off your handlebars and throw off your centre of balance to change tracks? Who did the user testing on this?


Honestly, that's the least problematic aspect of the jacket. There's plenty of times when a cyclist needs to take one hand off of the handlebars: taking a drink, fiddling with the on-board computer, high-fiveing people, etc. Some cyclists are even able to ride with no hands on the handlebars.

I think a bigger concern is what happens when you have to put the bike down at speed because you had your earbuds in and didn't hear the car coming up behind you that suddenly gives you the right hook, and your $350 cycling jacket gets a terminal case of road rash.

That, and lightning strikes.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:45 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

The jacket will be laundered via a strategic partnership with a laundry startup. Once clean, it will begin hunting for a new host via UberParasite, as its previous one is still in a coma.


That's only the "three-star" and "kamui" versions of the jacket. One- and two-star jackets will simply be recycled for their life fibres, and their former hosts will be expelled from the student clubs they belonged to.


The only way we can prevent this is to reject the life fibres altogether. Humans are not slaves to clothing.

NUDIST BEACH
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:53 PM on March 13, 2017 [7 favorites]

$350 for a denim jacket? 1970 on the line, will you take the call?
posted by Splunge at 1:54 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

This being Google, the Jacket has already been discontinued and support will end in six months. Please make sure to backup all your apparel related data.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:04 PM on March 13, 2017 [14 favorites]

That's nice and all, but what I'm really waiting for is for them to bring back the original 511 Commuter jeans, with the reinforced seat.

This is kind of a derail, but I've found that Duluth Trading Company's jeans and trousers are fantastic for bicycle commuting. They've got seat gussets that give you lots of flexibility and also avoid the problem of standard pant seam chafing and interfering with those anatomic saddle cutouts. The standard ones have an extremely relaxed fit, but I think they sell a trim fit version as well.
posted by tobascodagama at 2:09 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Screw the stupid jacket, someone needs to teach that boy how to lock a bike.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:13 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

So now, instead of tapping your wrist to ask someone the time, you can simply tap your wrist to ask your device the time.

Next, they're working on leveraging some bluetooth technology to allow you to send an message to the device of someone you've friended, who happens to be nearby, inviting them to your current GPS coordinates, simply by waving your hand in the air.
posted by Kabanos at 2:20 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

I'd like to put these conductive patches in a couch to drive a remote control.
posted by The Gaffer at 2:21 PM on March 13, 2017

Unless this jacket dries itself when it gets wet, I'm not interested.
posted by octobersurprise at 2:33 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

Your phone can sort of afford to be breakable because you put it in a case and keep it in a pocket or purse or something. But how much damage can these take? Can you wash them? It just doesn't even seem like people bother to talk about whether they are practical clothes, they are so intent on turning them into weird touch interfaces that are likely to be accidentally triggered.
posted by graymouser at 2:36 PM on March 13, 2017

octobersurprise: "Unless this jacket dries itself when it gets wet, I'm not interested."

ALL jackets dry themselves when wet, you just have to wait a while.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:46 PM on March 13, 2017 [11 favorites]

bike helmet??

No need for a helmet. If the wearer crashes, the jacket will auto-send a distress text to 911.

Or the organ donation center at the local hospital, depending on the input from the fitbit/apple watch
posted by leotrotsky at 2:48 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Countdown until somebody's parent or significant other tosses one of these into the washing machine...

Apparently you can take the tag thing off and wash it normally.

Pretty cool stuff I think.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:52 PM on March 13, 2017

No, but seriously, the guy pops in wired earbuds.

Yeah, if I'm on a bike I don't trust that Apple's iSonicareHead isn't going to fall out at the first bunny hop.
posted by leotrotsky at 2:57 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

As douchetastic as the ad is, I'm thinking the fabric technology itself has all sort of interesting possibilities for certain assistive technologies where the interface is currently bulkier hardware. I mean, this is a thing that can't be un-invented, so...
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:14 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

the tech might be woven in but the concept is more of a poor quality iron-on patch

and that is soooo not how you lock a bicycle
posted by One Thousand and One at 3:25 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

First Bluetooth obliterated the utility of talking to oneself as a signal of crazy. Now this will get rid of publically fondling yourself as a signal of crazy.

Soon I will be perceived of as sane!
posted by srboisvert at 3:26 PM on March 13, 2017 [6 favorites]

The S in Jacket stands for "security".
posted by blue_beetle at 3:31 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

Ars Technica says it's washable, as long as you remove the USB dongle thingy.
posted by Shmuel510 at 3:38 PM on March 13, 2017

Do you really need a $350 jacket to ignore a call from your boss? You can do that now for free.
posted by peeedro at 3:51 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Google Team: "Check out this great trucker jacket that's an input device!"

Other Google Team: "er...we're going to be phasing out truckers."
posted by straight at 3:56 PM on March 13, 2017 [12 favorites]

Well, everyone else made the snarky comments about brakes, helmets, bike locking skills and the active suicidal ideation of biking in SF traffic on a brakeless fixie with headphones on, so....


They should have put the touch sensitive fabric in the crotch of a pair of bike friendly jeans.
posted by loquacious at 4:04 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of the technological hype of Hypercolor shirts. If I were a person with a ton of disposable income, and some hipster nonsense bike, I would buy it. Seriously, I think this might be kind of useful.
posted by hot_monster at 4:22 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

I hope they make robot pants that walk me to work. It will be like catching an Uber but I'll be getting my steps up.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:22 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

This reminds me of the technological hype of Hypercolor shirts.

I got an entire week's worth of those things at the tail end of that fad, when they cost (much) less than regular t-shirts. Wore them all well past the point where the color-change gimmick had faded away. Oh, memories.
posted by asperity at 4:58 PM on March 13, 2017

How does it react to a taser?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:59 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

your $350 cycling jacket gets a terminal case of road rash

which makes it automatically download ten hours of Rick Astley and refuse to play anything else.
posted by flabdablet at 5:17 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

YOUR JACKET IS NOW DRY
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:46 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

As douchetastic as the ad is, I'm thinking the fabric technology itself has all sort of interesting possibilities for certain assistive technologies where the interface is currently bulkier hardware.

So this is like an infomercial situation where there's a genuinely good reason for this stuff to exist but the shitty, ableist market forces of capitalism mean that nobody wants to advertise the stuff it's actually good for?
posted by tobascodagama at 5:49 PM on March 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

If I ever figure out how to harness the power of righteous indignation about things where people can't figure out how they would find it useful the world's energy crisis would be finished.
posted by Talez at 5:51 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Actually, I wouldn't mind something like this for driving. I'm ambivalent about getting a mount, so when I use my phone for music (and occasionally directions) it lives in the nook under the radio. It would be nice to skip songs or hear the sender or content of a text with gestures that didn't that require me to fumble or look down.

For the record I do not text and drive.
Yes, go ahead and make fun of me for navigating like it's 1999.
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 7:19 PM on March 13, 2017

Think of its functions as similar to those of a smartwatch, but less obtrusive

Huh? This isn't quite what people mean when they say "less is more," Goovi's. A jacket is significantly more intrusive than a watch.

Besides, putting all your eggs in one jacket is completely unfeasible for anyone who lives anywhere with variable weather, or a dress code, or...
posted by Sys Rq at 7:20 PM on March 13, 2017

So this is like an infomercial situation where there's a genuinely good reason for this stuff to exist but the shitty, ableist market forces of capitalism mean that nobody wants to advertise the stuff it's actually good for?

*points finger guns*

Yeah, that's the stuff.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:21 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm ambivalent about getting a mount

Same here, that's why I ride around on a palanquin.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:23 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of the technological hype of Hypercolor shirts.

Much of the world these days puts me in that frame of mind.
posted by bongo_x at 8:09 PM on March 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

If they build it into one of these, maybe it could charge your phone for you, too.
posted by lipservant at 10:24 PM on March 13, 2017

Jesus people, I was really into 80's and 90's SciFi too, but I didn't make my life's work making it come true.
posted by bongo_x at 10:37 PM on March 13, 2017

I've always been suspicious of tech commercials that don't show the thing actually doing the thing, but rather just show how "easy" it will be to do the thing. This makes me want to produce a commercial of just me waving at my wrist and having titles come on the screen that say things like "SUCCESSFULLY CLEARED THROUGH IMMIGRATION" or "TASTEFUL FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS SELECTED AND CONFIRMED."
posted by chococat at 11:15 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

I know I'm an Old now, but what I keep wondering about stuff like this is, like, why. I admit I'm a little confused by the need to listen to music while you're biking on a daily commute - isn't that distracting, for one thing? And isn't it, like good for you to get away from your own personal soundtrack for thirty minutes? The best part of biking is that you can't really be on the internet or listening to whatever your particular subculture thinks is super hip, etc; you just have to be alone with yourself and the world.

Second, also why? Like, all this stuff seems like marginal "improvements" in convenience for a fraction of the 1%, and it frankly is disillusioning me with capitalism, since the awesome Silicon Valley future seems to be "let's trade actual jobs for labor exploitation...and the ability to never be away from commercial products, not even for one second". It's not even that I want to know where my flying car is; I just didn't expect the future to be both so shit and announced with such fanfare.
posted by Frowner at 1:24 AM on March 14, 2017 [8 favorites]

I'm an old too. My bike commute is when I get to just be with my own thoughts for a bit. There's of course the safety issue of being able to hear cars, other cyclists, pedestrians. But I just don't understand why every second of a person's day needs a soundtrack. I like silence, or just ambient noise.

CTA, on the other hand, that's tough for me to take without headphones, so maybe I'm a bit of a hypocrite.
posted by misskaz at 7:42 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Nah, there's a huge difference between listening to music while being on a train and doing it while riding a bike.
posted by agregoli at 8:04 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Mostly I question how anyone can avoid hearing damage while listening to music at a volume that allows it to be heard over outside noise, without blocking that outside noise and losing situational awareness.

Don't really care whether someone wants a soundtrack for every moment of their life or not, but I do hope they'll be safe doing it. Overexposure to loud noise isn't safe (and the resulting tinnitus will make discomfort with silence worse).
posted by asperity at 9:20 AM on March 14, 2017

I'm ambivalent about getting a mount

If it's the cost, my local Dollar Tree has been carrying a thing like this, which works really well in any car with slotted air vents, and is only a dollar.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 9:51 AM on March 14, 2017

My commute is on a motorcycle, not a bicycle, so *maybe* my thinking is a little different. But I keep low-level music playing through my Bluetooth-equipped helmet because that engages the part of my brain that is ALWAYS listening for words around me and allows me to concentrate on, y'know, the riding/driving stuff. I can still hear road noise, the sound of my engine, and everything else around me.

It's the same part of my brain that requires me to have music playing when I work so I can concentrate on what I'm doing without trying to suss meaning out of every conversation I can hear from surrounding cubicles and that needs a white noise generator when in 'falling asleep' mode so that incidental muffled conversations heard through the apartment walls don't trigger alertness.
posted by hanov3r at 10:49 AM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Thanks for the tip Kirth Gerson, but my reluctance is based more on a fear of getting used to having easy access to the phone and sliding into dangerous driving habits, and also fear of becoming entirely dependent on GPS for navigation. Because I am a weirdo (or possibly just an Old).
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 11:34 AM on March 14, 2017