When I was a child, I spake "WTF?!"

March 13, 2017 11:12 PM

Unsettling times deserve unsettling toys. Your kids can shave the baby. Or maybe they'd prefer a lollipop that you eat by making out with Jar Jar Binks. Wait, here's something that's not creepy at all: Poo-Dough.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (41 comments total)

You are trying to make me regret having my Mad Scientist toy where you put a Slime-like substance on a plastic skeleton then immersed it in a vat where it bubbled and all the flesh fell off, aren't you?
posted by Samizdata at 11:24 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

Whoa, that's way better than Creepy Crawlers except you probably can't get second-degree burns from the vat.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:28 PM on March 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

This toy, in fact.
posted by Samizdata at 11:29 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Creepy Crawlers Thing-Maker
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:50 PM on March 13, 2017 [5 favorites]

Aw heck. These are silly fun. All we had back in my day was weird stuff like soap that grew fur or toys guaranteed to injure, like jarts. Take a look at some actual Wham-O TV ads--there are "toys" that are basically weapons (Whing-Dings at 3:27), crappy cardboard boxes in which children play blind (4:35) and kids being encouraged to do wheelies while riding bikes barefoot and without helmets (22:45). What's disturbing is how little regard is shown for kids' safety.

I spotted Poo-Doh recently and laughed. The package claims the product doesn't smell bad. Back in the day I suspect they'd've packaged and sold actual feces--let's not forget Pet Rocks.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:55 PM on March 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

The straitjacket and cage are, not surprisingly, completely fake. They were created by a Brazilian ad agency to promote the Brazilian edition of Super Nanny. Video.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:02 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

Tempted to get a daddy saddle for my 2 year old. Available on Amazon Prime - just saying.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 12:13 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

I want an Avenging Unicorn! They really put a lot of thought into it.

So - I see a mime is first victim. What are the other two figures meant to be?
posted by Start with Dessert at 1:53 AM on March 14, 2017

re. the Avenging Unicorn, the other two figures are a long haired woman in vaguely 'hippie' clothing, and a guy in a business suit.

I don't know what to do with lists like this that include fakes, though. Surely there is an actually researched list out there that could show genuinely strange toys rather than this obnoxious contemporary fake-and-real-who-even-knows-just-keep-clicking bollocks that passes for content atm.
posted by AFII at 2:25 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Start with Dessert: the Avenging Unicorn play-set comes with a yuppie businessman type, a (female) new age hippy, and a classic Marcel Marceaux style mime. It also has some interchangeable horns, and the figures are all pre-penetrated for impalement.

I know this because I had one on my desk while I was writing this.
posted by cstross at 2:55 AM on March 14, 2017 [8 favorites]

There are a lot of deliberately weird "toys" at Archie McPhee; pretty sure Avenging Unicorn is a popular item there. A few years ago it was Avenging Narwhal. More of an action figure/collectible thing than something marketed to children.
posted by kinnakeet at 4:14 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Kids aren't always necessarily as creeped out as we assume they are. Some kids may be sensitive sorts who may be unsettled by things, but others would dig those same things. I remember my uncle playing a game with my brother and cousin where he pretended to shoot them (with a mimed gun) for some minor infraction, and they both went into over-the-top death scenes while giggling. I felt really uneasy about it, but they were having a total blast with it.

So I can imagine A kid somewhere being discomfited by a "shave the baby" toy, but not ALL kids.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:22 AM on March 14, 2017

The Play-Doh poo is hilarious. My daughter would love that.

You should never shave the baby.
posted by amanda at 4:35 AM on March 14, 2017

Most of the posted list are either parodies, fakes or one-offs intended to be weird, like the Archee McPhee stuff.

The strait jacket and cage are parodies, for example:

https://laughingsquid.com/control-toys-a-line-of-educative-toys-for-badly-behaved-children/
posted by loquacious at 4:36 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

again with the shit freaks
posted by thelonius at 4:39 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Nicholas Cage Colorforms
posted by Room 641-A at 5:07 AM on March 14, 2017

Daddy Saddle sounds like the name of a leather bar.
posted by dudemanlives at 5:24 AM on March 14, 2017 [9 favorites]

R E A L   P R E G N A N C Y   A C T I O N
posted by FirstMateKate at 5:43 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

The baby has a baby. And the baby’s baby is pregnant.

We need to go deeper.
posted by dephlogisticated at 5:50 AM on March 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

I think we are missing the real story here. Johnny Wallflower has a track record of charming and soothing FPPs that brighten up our anxious days. And then... there's... this. Has Johnny Wallflower been hacked? Held for ransom? Read The King in Yellow? Or something more terrible to contemplate?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:06 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Remember he did the one about all the pee in swimming pools?

JW is playing the long game.
posted by mochapickle at 6:12 AM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

And winning.
posted by mochapickle at 6:17 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

The baby has a baby. And the baby’s baby is pregnant.

We need to go deeper.

It's turtles all the way down.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:40 AM on March 14, 2017

Back in the day I suspect they'd've packaged and sold actual feces

Done and done.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:44 AM on March 14, 2017

You should never shave the baby.

Dude, roasting hair smells terrible.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:06 AM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

I already have a Poo-Doh maker, thanks.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:33 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Shave The Baby" would be a fantastic name for a band.
posted by Paul Slade at 7:40 AM on March 14, 2017

That baby needs more than a razor can provide, but I'm not about to give a baby doll a pretend Brazilian
posted by Existential Dread at 8:24 AM on March 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

I offer this poorly thought out Kinder Surprise toy to offset some of the fakes. I normally chuck out the crappier toys on the sly because they multiply worse than dust bunnies, but I think I'll keep him.
posted by romakimmy at 8:36 AM on March 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

The shave the baby thing is from a conceptual art project.
posted by stefnet at 9:03 AM on March 14, 2017 [9 favorites]

Back in the day I suspect they'd've packaged and sold actual feces

Done and done.

posted by octobersurprise

Eponyscatological.

From that link, though:

MEDIUM Tin can, printed paper and excrement
DIMENSIONS Object: 48 x 65 x 65 mm, 0.1 kg
COLLECTION Tate
ACQUISITION Purchased 2000
REFERENCE T07667
ON LOAN TO: CENTRE POMPIDOU, METZ (METZ, FRANCE)

Well, that's a downright neighbourly gesture.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:47 AM on March 14, 2017

I've got the Jar Jar Binks candy tongue thing; I don't know who thought that frenching Jar Jar was such a great idea, even before he became the most loathed character in all of space opera. I found it the other day and the tongue looks grosser than ever. Also, that Cyclops Brain Toy Car looks like about the best thing ever.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:47 AM on March 14, 2017

The baby has a baby. And the baby’s baby is pregnant.

We need to go deeper.

It's turtles tribbles all the way down.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:10 AM on March 14, 2017

Infantception.
posted by Samizdata at 1:33 PM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Johnny Wallflower has a track record of charming and soothing FPPs that brighten up our anxious days.

How soon we forget.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:36 PM on March 14, 2017

The baby has a baby. And the baby’s baby is pregnant.

I think this was a Ted Chiang story.
posted by ymgve at 3:32 PM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am not joking. It was a Ted Chiang story.
posted by ymgve at 4:45 PM on March 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

and a classic Marcel Marceaux style mime

At least he would die quietly.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 6:15 PM on March 14, 2017

Wait, was the avenging unicorn based on The Cabin In The Woods? Or was The Cabin In The Woods based on the avenging unicorn?
posted by greermahoney at 7:37 PM on March 14, 2017

ymgve: "I am not joking. It was a Ted Chiang story."

Quite a treat that. Cheers.
posted by Samizdata at 9:07 PM on March 14, 2017

I offer this poorly thought out Kinder Surprise toy to offset some of the fakes. I normally chuck out the crappier toys on the sly because they multiply worse than dust bunnies, but I think I'll keep him.

I just buy them for youngercatbailard - she digs the plastic egg yolks which bounce and tumble well, and she doesn't feel compelled to immerse them in her water dish like her knotted paper strips. (Take a sheet of paper, fold it until you've a .5" x 11" strip, overhand knot in the middle, and toss. Fish out of water dish 1-10 days later.)
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:08 PM on March 14, 2017