My lips purse, like a cat’s arse that’s brushed against nettles.
April 9, 2017 7:20 AM Subscribe
"Irritated by reader complaints about the cost of eating out I decided to visit a classic Parisian gastro-palace, as a reality check." In which Jay Rayner goes out to dine at a place that costs ... a lot ... and things go badly wrong. Currently the most recommended comment: "Providing a stool for the lady's bag is only marginally better than providing a bag for the lady's stool."
I've eaten at restaurants of this level, oh, 15 times in my life now? And I've had bad experiences in 2 or 3 of those 15. I mean they're all ridiculously expensive, and as elegant as the cooking can be often I prefer a $8 carnitas burrito from the Mission to the foofery of fine dining. But at its best this kind of dining is really an amazing thing, an evening of art and craft for you to consume.
But when it's bad, oh boy is it bad. The worst thing is if you ordered a long tasting menu out of faith for the stars on the door and the chef's name. And you get to the third amuse bouche of what will be a twelve course meal, and you realize it's going to go badly. And you're stuck there in that chair for three more hours, dreading what is to come. The waiter knows, too.
posted by Nelson at 7:38 AM on April 9, 2017 [62 favorites]
But when it's bad, oh boy is it bad. The worst thing is if you ordered a long tasting menu out of faith for the stars on the door and the chef's name. And you get to the third amuse bouche of what will be a twelve course meal, and you realize it's going to go badly. And you're stuck there in that chair for three more hours, dreading what is to come. The waiter knows, too.
posted by Nelson at 7:38 AM on April 9, 2017 [62 favorites]
Note that the most recommended comment has changed to Jay's own photographs, with more inside baseball of how reviews and photos get done.
posted by persona at 7:44 AM on April 9, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by persona at 7:44 AM on April 9, 2017 [12 favorites]
Wow, those publicity vs real photos are like fast food advertisement vs. reality bad. No wonder they wanted him to use the publicity photos.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:49 AM on April 9, 2017 [23 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:49 AM on April 9, 2017 [23 favorites]
The purse stool sounds like a great idea. I carry a satchel most of the time, and i'd love to not just throw it on the floor whenever I go out.
posted by thecjm at 7:50 AM on April 9, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by thecjm at 7:50 AM on April 9, 2017 [12 favorites]
I feel kind of bad that he had to pay for half of his own terrible dinner. (And his friend had to pay for all of hers!) At least he got a funny review out of it, I guess. It would be even more annoying to pay a bunch of money for dinner and have it be just ok.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:52 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
The purse stool sounds like a great idea. I carry a satchel most of the time, and i'd love to not just throw it on the floor whenever I go out.I agree.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:52 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
It is decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and fuck you.
I'm always re-surprised and delighted that they're allowed to write like that in UK newspapers.
posted by octothorpe at 7:55 AM on April 9, 2017 [59 favorites]
I'm always re-surprised and delighted that they're allowed to write like that in UK newspapers.
posted by octothorpe at 7:55 AM on April 9, 2017 [59 favorites]
Surely this will go on the 2017 list, but in case you're behind on things and in the mood for more snark here's The Best of 2016's Bad Restaurant Reviews (eater.com).
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:02 AM on April 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:02 AM on April 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
Just carry one of these handy portable hooks and you'll never put your bag on the {shudder} floor again.
posted by Scram at 8:08 AM on April 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by Scram at 8:08 AM on April 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
The purse stool sounds like a great idea. I carry a satchel most of the time, and i'd love to not just throw it on the floor whenever I go out.
I also thought that the purse stool was a weird thing to take issue with. We've done meals like this a few times, and when they're great, they're great. When it's a trainwreck, it's a trainwreck.
posted by mikelieman at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I also thought that the purse stool was a weird thing to take issue with. We've done meals like this a few times, and when they're great, they're great. When it's a trainwreck, it's a trainwreck.
posted by mikelieman at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry it was such a poor dining experience, but the review has made my morning.
posted by nubs at 8:11 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by nubs at 8:11 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
(I admit that the title and post text were deliberately chosen from the wide selection available so that in the remote possibility this ends up on the podcast I can hear how Cortex pronounces "cat's arse" and "stool")
posted by Wordshore at 8:18 AM on April 9, 2017 [29 favorites]
posted by Wordshore at 8:18 AM on April 9, 2017 [29 favorites]
This is incredible writing. Thank you for sharing this.
Not to make this an advertisement, but I've been eating a lot of these lately and I honestly find them better than almost any restaurant MEAL, much less a restaurant salad.
posted by Slinga at 8:19 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Not to make this an advertisement, but I've been eating a lot of these lately and I honestly find them better than almost any restaurant MEAL, much less a restaurant salad.
posted by Slinga at 8:19 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
The purse stool sounds like a great idea.
In some Balkan cultures there's a bag/purse on the floor = future poverty superstition. Which I guess comes true when you leave your purse lying about and it gets stolen!
posted by Dr Dracator at 8:42 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
In some Balkan cultures there's a bag/purse on the floor = future poverty superstition. Which I guess comes true when you leave your purse lying about and it gets stolen!
posted by Dr Dracator at 8:42 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
I mean, I get it – "eviscerating review of haute-cuisine restaurant" is a minor literary genre at this point, and they can be fun to read for the sheer wit of a scathing takedown.
But I never quite know who the intended audience is, or what reaction it's meant to produce in those readers. The vast majority of Guardian readers will never eat at this restaurant, or anything like it. It's like reviewing a high-end Lamborghini: even if you pan it, it's just aspiration porn for us Toyota-driving schlubs. I wish my problems included "disappointing €600 meal", you know?
I take one look at that dining room, and those dishes, and I understand that this place is only partly about gastronomic experience. It is also, and probably more importantly, a way for its customers to broadcast class signifiers. Everything about it signals that the diner has access to rarified, inaccessible things: the €600 / US$635 price tag for a modest meal; the trend-chasing menu; the tacky, Trumpian plating; the stunty molecular-gastronomy bullshit; the professional servants making sure that your handbag doesn't touch the ground; the fact that much of the population wouldn't be admitted past the front door.
Maybe I'm just grumpy this morning – but with the current state of the world, I'm just about out of shits to give that rich assholes are being served disappointing spherifications at some rich-asshole restaurant, whose primary purpose is to demonstrate that they are, in fact, rich assholes.
I'm not complaining about the post – it was an amusing-enough read. I'm just saying: give me a review of a restaurant where the rich assholes are on the menu, and maybe then I'll care about the watercress purée.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 8:56 AM on April 9, 2017 [28 favorites]
But I never quite know who the intended audience is, or what reaction it's meant to produce in those readers. The vast majority of Guardian readers will never eat at this restaurant, or anything like it. It's like reviewing a high-end Lamborghini: even if you pan it, it's just aspiration porn for us Toyota-driving schlubs. I wish my problems included "disappointing €600 meal", you know?
I take one look at that dining room, and those dishes, and I understand that this place is only partly about gastronomic experience. It is also, and probably more importantly, a way for its customers to broadcast class signifiers. Everything about it signals that the diner has access to rarified, inaccessible things: the €600 / US$635 price tag for a modest meal; the trend-chasing menu; the tacky, Trumpian plating; the stunty molecular-gastronomy bullshit; the professional servants making sure that your handbag doesn't touch the ground; the fact that much of the population wouldn't be admitted past the front door.
Maybe I'm just grumpy this morning – but with the current state of the world, I'm just about out of shits to give that rich assholes are being served disappointing spherifications at some rich-asshole restaurant, whose primary purpose is to demonstrate that they are, in fact, rich assholes.
I'm not complaining about the post – it was an amusing-enough read. I'm just saying: give me a review of a restaurant where the rich assholes are on the menu, and maybe then I'll care about the watercress purée.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 8:56 AM on April 9, 2017 [28 favorites]
It didn't seem that bad.
I think the chocolate mousse cigars could have been salvaged by getting rid of the milk skin and adding a few dipping areas.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:01 AM on April 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
I think the chocolate mousse cigars could have been salvaged by getting rid of the milk skin and adding a few dipping areas.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:01 AM on April 9, 2017 [9 favorites]
There is nothing trend chasing about this meal, unless by trend chasing you mean “chasing trends which were current in avant-garde cuisine 20 years ago”.
If you’re going to do the molecular gastronomy stuff then it had better be good, because it hasn’t been new for a long time.
posted by pharm at 9:04 AM on April 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
If you’re going to do the molecular gastronomy stuff then it had better be good, because it hasn’t been new for a long time.
posted by pharm at 9:04 AM on April 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
Wow, I'd wondered how expenses work for meals like this and am delighted to know the answer. Thanks for the link, persona!
posted by carbide at 9:05 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by carbide at 9:05 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Jay Rayner writes the way Jerry Holkins imagines he writes.
posted by Splunge at 9:10 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 9:10 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
That was great; I always enjoy these takedowns! Don't miss the dryly ironic "the older gentlemen with their nieces" (cf. Private Eye's "tired and emotional" for "drunk").
> I never quite know who the intended audience is
People who enjoy reading these takedowns. If you don't, fine, but this seems an odd hook on which to hang your general distress at wealth inequality.
posted by languagehat at 9:12 AM on April 9, 2017 [51 favorites]
> I never quite know who the intended audience is
People who enjoy reading these takedowns. If you don't, fine, but this seems an odd hook on which to hang your general distress at wealth inequality.
posted by languagehat at 9:12 AM on April 9, 2017 [51 favorites]
I'm pretty sure that cortex pronounces "stool" in a way where the vowels are similar to how he says "dragon".
posted by hippybear at 9:28 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 9:28 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
That milk "skin" is stomach-turning, even in the Glamo(u)rshots publicity version. Who on earth thought that was a good idea??
posted by orrnyereg at 9:30 AM on April 9, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by orrnyereg at 9:30 AM on April 9, 2017 [10 favorites]
I've eaten at these kinds of places maybe, oh, 20-30 times? They're definitely only worth it if you really enjoy a particular kind of experience. I would never think someone odd for not wanting to spend several hundred dollars on a meal. And I, personally, wouldn't go to Le Cinq because (a) I am too snobbish to seek out hotel restaurants for my ambitious dining experiences and (b) being of the younger generation and an American, I prefer the places with a more casual style accompanying the culinary ambition. I do not look at that dining room and yearn to be in it. (That particular French style reads as particularly misguidedly aspiring to American eyes, but I suspect it looks different to the French.)
But, like Nelson, I have had some really fantastic meals in this particular class of establishment, to the point that, even though my income is much more modest than it used to be, I'll still save to go to one a couple of times a year. I've never actually had a genuinely bad one, though I'm sure to some degree that's luck (and a limited sample size). And, yeah, it's kind of silly to object to the purse stool. I first encountered them at Le Bernardin, which, while rather staid in atmosphere, is still as sweet and unpretentious as Eric Ripert himself.
Now, the iPhone pillow I was provided at another place so that my phone need not rest directly on the bar, that was a bit silly...and yet the food was delightful.
posted by praemunire at 9:33 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
But, like Nelson, I have had some really fantastic meals in this particular class of establishment, to the point that, even though my income is much more modest than it used to be, I'll still save to go to one a couple of times a year. I've never actually had a genuinely bad one, though I'm sure to some degree that's luck (and a limited sample size). And, yeah, it's kind of silly to object to the purse stool. I first encountered them at Le Bernardin, which, while rather staid in atmosphere, is still as sweet and unpretentious as Eric Ripert himself.
Now, the iPhone pillow I was provided at another place so that my phone need not rest directly on the bar, that was a bit silly...and yet the food was delightful.
posted by praemunire at 9:33 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
I mean, I get it – "eviscerating review of haute-cuisine restaurant" is a minor literary genre at this point, and they can be fun to read for the sheer wit of a scathing takedown.
Well, that's the problem: it's become such a competition to be the most clever with your put-down sound bites that I end up not trusting the review at all, stuck with the feeling that the writer was waiting to use these lines on a suitable subject. And it's not as if I'm in imminent danger of dropping a fat wad of cash on a meal at Le Cinq anyway, ditto for probably the vast majority of the people who read this. (And that's probably a big part of the appeal of this sort of writing: schadenfreude at the thought of the swells getting soaked.) Consider this line:
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:36 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Well, that's the problem: it's become such a competition to be the most clever with your put-down sound bites that I end up not trusting the review at all, stuck with the feeling that the writer was waiting to use these lines on a suitable subject. And it's not as if I'm in imminent danger of dropping a fat wad of cash on a meal at Le Cinq anyway, ditto for probably the vast majority of the people who read this. (And that's probably a big part of the appeal of this sort of writing: schadenfreude at the thought of the swells getting soaked.) Consider this line:
My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says.I mean, it just begs the question, doesn't it?
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:36 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
I never quite know who the intended audience is
Me! I am the audience. I am the "rich asshole" you're expressing so much contempt for. Hi! FWIW I absolutely agree that the excess of this kind of dining is absurd. Perhaps I will be second against the wall when the revolution comes.
But fine dining can also be great. And if you're going to indulge it, it better actually be good. I do go to restaurants like this and I'm grateful when a major newspaper calls a restaurant to the carpet when it doesn't deliver what it promises. It's a form of quality control. Le Cinq in particular needs this kind of check, because it's exactly the kind of restaurant that can easily rest on its laurels a bit. Just its location and history guarantees it a nearly full dining room. (To be a little fair, at least Chef Le Squer actually works at this restaurant. The worst are 3 star restaurants where the Executive Chef is running 8 restaurants and a frozen pizza line.)
If you want to be precise in your attempt at firebrand rhetoric, the phrase "Trumpian plating" is misplaced. Trumpian plating would be an oversized, overcooked steak served on a Versace plate with a gold-plated fork. The usual complaint about the plating we see in this review is that fine dining is too foofy, tiny bites on giant plates, a bad value.
posted by Nelson at 9:37 AM on April 9, 2017 [41 favorites]
Me! I am the audience. I am the "rich asshole" you're expressing so much contempt for. Hi! FWIW I absolutely agree that the excess of this kind of dining is absurd. Perhaps I will be second against the wall when the revolution comes.
But fine dining can also be great. And if you're going to indulge it, it better actually be good. I do go to restaurants like this and I'm grateful when a major newspaper calls a restaurant to the carpet when it doesn't deliver what it promises. It's a form of quality control. Le Cinq in particular needs this kind of check, because it's exactly the kind of restaurant that can easily rest on its laurels a bit. Just its location and history guarantees it a nearly full dining room. (To be a little fair, at least Chef Le Squer actually works at this restaurant. The worst are 3 star restaurants where the Executive Chef is running 8 restaurants and a frozen pizza line.)
If you want to be precise in your attempt at firebrand rhetoric, the phrase "Trumpian plating" is misplaced. Trumpian plating would be an oversized, overcooked steak served on a Versace plate with a gold-plated fork. The usual complaint about the plating we see in this review is that fine dining is too foofy, tiny bites on giant plates, a bad value.
posted by Nelson at 9:37 AM on April 9, 2017 [41 favorites]
I was once at the Louis The XIV in New Orleans during a conference. I didn't have any slacks, but I had brand new 501s that I'd shrunk and never worn and wore those with a blazer and a tie (being required, of course).
As the maitre d' pulled out my chair for me to sit, he murmured in my ear (in a nearly cartoon stereotypical French accent that I won't try to reproduce here) "Normally we do not allow the jeans in this establishment, but for tonight we will make an exception".
Somehow that has become one of the favorite moments in my life. It's not a restaurant anywhere near the level of Le Cinq, but it's probably the fanciest place in which I have ever dined.
posted by hippybear at 9:39 AM on April 9, 2017 [40 favorites]
As the maitre d' pulled out my chair for me to sit, he murmured in my ear (in a nearly cartoon stereotypical French accent that I won't try to reproduce here) "Normally we do not allow the jeans in this establishment, but for tonight we will make an exception".
Somehow that has become one of the favorite moments in my life. It's not a restaurant anywhere near the level of Le Cinq, but it's probably the fanciest place in which I have ever dined.
posted by hippybear at 9:39 AM on April 9, 2017 [40 favorites]
The vast majority of Guardian readers will never eat at this restaurant, or anything like it. It's like reviewing a high-end Lamborghini: even if you pan it, it's just aspiration porn for us Toyota-driving schlubs.
The Toyota is a fine car! Let us not so quickly grow weary of the incredible conveniences and wonders of our time
posted by clockzero at 9:46 AM on April 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
The Toyota is a fine car! Let us not so quickly grow weary of the incredible conveniences and wonders of our time
posted by clockzero at 9:46 AM on April 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
But I never quite know who the intended audience is, or what reaction it's meant to produce in those readers. The vast majority of Guardian readers will never eat at this restaurant, or anything like it. It's like reviewing a high-end Lamborghini: even if you pan it, it's just aspiration porn for us Toyota-driving schlubs. I wish my problems included "disappointing €600 meal", you know?
So here's the thing: even if (hell, especially if) you don't eat at these restaurants anywhere near regularly, a solid number of people may have a chance to have a meal like that once. Maybe it's a wedding gift from a family member, or the result of scrimping and saving over time (I have friends who adore food - 'foodies', to use a particularly obnoxious term - who are by no means rich, and they'll save up for months to eat at fancy places they're excited about, the way other people might save up for a new game system or another splurge). When I turned 21, my parents gave me a $250 Visa gift card with the express instructions that I take my girlfriend out for dinner at a particular well-known, old-school, fancy French place is Philly (yes, it was Le Bec Fin, and my meal there was outstanding in large part because of an old French waiter who went out of his way to make two college students clearly there as a special occasion as comfortable as possible but that's a story for another post), since they knew that I had always wanted to go and never would have paid for it myself.
In that case, when a meal like this is a huge deal that you might get to experience once every few years, or once in a lifetime, it can be really really good to know ahead of time that a place isn't all it's cracked up to be, or that you're just paying for ambience and snootiness instead of actual quality. I've been thinking about saving some money to go to Per Se for a birthday some time, but Pete Wells's review last year has me questioning that (I'm thinking maybe Le Bernadin instead), and honestly that's valuable.
The fun snark and funny turns of phrase are just a bonus.
posted by Itaxpica at 9:53 AM on April 9, 2017 [87 favorites]
So here's the thing: even if (hell, especially if) you don't eat at these restaurants anywhere near regularly, a solid number of people may have a chance to have a meal like that once. Maybe it's a wedding gift from a family member, or the result of scrimping and saving over time (I have friends who adore food - 'foodies', to use a particularly obnoxious term - who are by no means rich, and they'll save up for months to eat at fancy places they're excited about, the way other people might save up for a new game system or another splurge). When I turned 21, my parents gave me a $250 Visa gift card with the express instructions that I take my girlfriend out for dinner at a particular well-known, old-school, fancy French place is Philly (yes, it was Le Bec Fin, and my meal there was outstanding in large part because of an old French waiter who went out of his way to make two college students clearly there as a special occasion as comfortable as possible but that's a story for another post), since they knew that I had always wanted to go and never would have paid for it myself.
In that case, when a meal like this is a huge deal that you might get to experience once every few years, or once in a lifetime, it can be really really good to know ahead of time that a place isn't all it's cracked up to be, or that you're just paying for ambience and snootiness instead of actual quality. I've been thinking about saving some money to go to Per Se for a birthday some time, but Pete Wells's review last year has me questioning that (I'm thinking maybe Le Bernadin instead), and honestly that's valuable.
The fun snark and funny turns of phrase are just a bonus.
posted by Itaxpica at 9:53 AM on April 9, 2017 [87 favorites]
(And that's probably a big part of the appeal of this sort of writing: schadenfreude at the thought of the swells getting soaked.)I think a lot of it is that. It would be a little distressing to read a review of a €600 meal that was exquisite and delicious, because it's a reminder of all the lovely luxuries that you can't have. But it's fun to read a review of a terrible €600 meal, because it makes you think that the emperor has no clothes, plus you get to feel smug because you never pay more than 1/50th of that for gross food. And I guess you could argue that that's objectionable in its own way: the emperor is in fact wearing clothes, and rich people actually do enjoy massive advantages because of their wealth. But it's also just fun to read a good takedown, especially when you don't have to feel guilty or snobby, because the takedown is punching up.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:54 AM on April 9, 2017 [15 favorites]
"pretentious, high-ticket event turns out to be tyre fire" is something all of us can enjoy from either side of the class war, I'd hope.
I also enjoyed the dry, no-need-for-scare-quotes observation of the nieces.
posted by ominous_paws at 9:55 AM on April 9, 2017 [21 favorites]
I also enjoyed the dry, no-need-for-scare-quotes observation of the nieces.
posted by ominous_paws at 9:55 AM on April 9, 2017 [21 favorites]
But I never quite know who the intended audience is, or what reaction it's meant to produce in those readers.
People who like reading things that make them laugh. I read it and laughed (meta-ironically on some cultural level while drinking a coffee inside a McDonalds), so that worked.
Thinking back, the most expensive meal I've had was sushi at a really expensive place in Seattle. Microsoft were paying though, and it was really good, all of it, so I don't have a great story about it. {thinks harder} I did pay 50 dollars for a pizza once, but it was a special "50 cheese pizza" in Iowa, made on the 4th of July and sold for local charity and it was really good and I always will remember how they caught the cheeses that tried to escape off it with a bricklayers trowel and put them back on, though yadda yadda yadda my doctor is talking about me going on statins now so memories are a little mixed.
posted by Wordshore at 10:07 AM on April 9, 2017 [15 favorites]
People who like reading things that make them laugh. I read it and laughed (meta-ironically on some cultural level while drinking a coffee inside a McDonalds), so that worked.
Thinking back, the most expensive meal I've had was sushi at a really expensive place in Seattle. Microsoft were paying though, and it was really good, all of it, so I don't have a great story about it. {thinks harder} I did pay 50 dollars for a pizza once, but it was a special "50 cheese pizza" in Iowa, made on the 4th of July and sold for local charity and it was really good and I always will remember how they caught the cheeses that tried to escape off it with a bricklayers trowel and put them back on, though yadda yadda yadda my doctor is talking about me going on statins now so memories are a little mixed.
posted by Wordshore at 10:07 AM on April 9, 2017 [15 favorites]
> But I never quite know who the intended audience is...
Jay Rayner is on the short list of people you should call when you want a negative restaurant review. Because he knows what he writes about, and he knows how to be entertaining. His byline will usually deliver on a precisely descriptive of the experience of dining, and if the piece reads like a hatchet job it's because once a restaurant is demanding a four-digit tab on a meal for two that restaurant had better be called to task on the slightest error.
I ate at a Michelin-rated restaurant for the first time a week and a half ago, and it was a brilliantly-designed, expertly-produced meal. The service was discreet but never neglectful, the atmosphere was calm without feeling deadening or forcibly austere. The tab was probably a tenth of what the Four Seasons meal cost Rayner's companion, granted that we were there for the lunch chef's menu and didn't order alcohol (although a sniff of ginseng sochu was included with the amuse-bouche) and dining, generally, tends to be cheaper in Seoul than in western big cities though there are exceptions.
I don't know whether it'll rank with the most memorably great meals I've had, which would include my first visit to a proper North Carolina BBQ shack and a hamburger served at a locovore restaurant in Michigan that was so rich and complex in flavor you could believe the cow had led a happy and fulfilling life and gladly gave of it. Even within the realm of haute cuisine, I've had meals at unrated restaurants that might have been better than this lunch, which I think says more about the reach of Michelin reviewers in the U.S. than anything else.
But mostly I think it says that dining is an experiential thing and it's more important to find what you enjoy and find different ways to enjoy it, rather than treat your occasional Big Night meal purely in terms of opportunity cost and ratings value. Or in other words not even I care whether Kwonsooksoo ranked above or below on various qualitative rankings; I had a damn fine time there and the next time I can eat like that, maybe in a year or two, I hope the next place I try is also three hours' indulgence well spent.
> ...or what reaction it's meant to produce in those readers.
Laughter, alternately bitter and bemused. Enjoy your schadenfreude.
posted by ardgedee at 10:17 AM on April 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
Jay Rayner is on the short list of people you should call when you want a negative restaurant review. Because he knows what he writes about, and he knows how to be entertaining. His byline will usually deliver on a precisely descriptive of the experience of dining, and if the piece reads like a hatchet job it's because once a restaurant is demanding a four-digit tab on a meal for two that restaurant had better be called to task on the slightest error.
I ate at a Michelin-rated restaurant for the first time a week and a half ago, and it was a brilliantly-designed, expertly-produced meal. The service was discreet but never neglectful, the atmosphere was calm without feeling deadening or forcibly austere. The tab was probably a tenth of what the Four Seasons meal cost Rayner's companion, granted that we were there for the lunch chef's menu and didn't order alcohol (although a sniff of ginseng sochu was included with the amuse-bouche) and dining, generally, tends to be cheaper in Seoul than in western big cities though there are exceptions.
I don't know whether it'll rank with the most memorably great meals I've had, which would include my first visit to a proper North Carolina BBQ shack and a hamburger served at a locovore restaurant in Michigan that was so rich and complex in flavor you could believe the cow had led a happy and fulfilling life and gladly gave of it. Even within the realm of haute cuisine, I've had meals at unrated restaurants that might have been better than this lunch, which I think says more about the reach of Michelin reviewers in the U.S. than anything else.
But mostly I think it says that dining is an experiential thing and it's more important to find what you enjoy and find different ways to enjoy it, rather than treat your occasional Big Night meal purely in terms of opportunity cost and ratings value. Or in other words not even I care whether Kwonsooksoo ranked above or below on various qualitative rankings; I had a damn fine time there and the next time I can eat like that, maybe in a year or two, I hope the next place I try is also three hours' indulgence well spent.
> ...or what reaction it's meant to produce in those readers.
Laughter, alternately bitter and bemused. Enjoy your schadenfreude.
posted by ardgedee at 10:17 AM on April 9, 2017 [13 favorites]
> I, personally, wouldn't go to Le Cinq because (a) I am too snobbish to seek out hotel restaurants for my ambitious dining experiences
Some of the best places to eat when you're not in the U.S. are in department stores and hotels.
posted by ardgedee at 10:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Some of the best places to eat when you're not in the U.S. are in department stores and hotels.
posted by ardgedee at 10:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I mean, I get it – "eviscerating review of haute-cuisine restaurant" is a minor literary genre at this point... I'm just saying: give me a review of a restaurant where the rich assholes are on the menu, and maybe then I'll care about the watercress purée.
Is there a minor literary journal of the best online comments? Because you, escape from the potato planet, should be published in the next edition.
posted by bunbury at 10:36 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Is there a minor literary journal of the best online comments? Because you, escape from the potato planet, should be published in the next edition.
posted by bunbury at 10:36 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I just finished Down and Out in Paris and London, and this description fits perfectly with my present understanding of Paris hotel restaurants of the 1930s: utter garbage, prepared by a resentful and exploited staff, gilded, veneered, and upsold to a naive crowd that cares nothing for quality of food...
posted by latkes at 10:38 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by latkes at 10:38 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't get restaurants like this. Who's on the pass? How is this food escaping that kitchen? Is the chef drunk, or coked up, or entirely absent? Who lets this happen at $300 a plate? Fire that person! This isn't Disneyworld, where you pay for a delightful simulacrum of a wonderful world that you expect to not squint at too closely! This offends me. I pity the poor servers, who must drag-ass into work every day feeling like sales staff on a used car lot. They know. They must! They see it at every table: the brittle cheer, the food pushed around on the plate, the sigh that comes when the check is presented. There are few things more dispiriting than working as a server in a bad restaurant. Especially an expensive one! You're trapped. You could go have more fun and take pride in your job if you went to work at the cute little brasserie around the way, but you can't afford the pay cut and now you feel like a tool, like a wallet-extraction device for some asshole playing the role of chef. It's awful.
Because here's the secret: it's not hard to make good food. It isn't. What's hard is to maintain that, day after day, shift after shift, service after service. THAT'S hard, and it depends on a whole constellation of intangibles coming together: ordering, storage, process, plating, whether the sous is still fighting with pantry, if the pastry chef has the shakes, if your dishwasher is in a good mood. That's hard, and that's why restaurants fail. It's a LOT to manage, and so much of it is at such a granular level that it's easy to overlook when you're trying to do a brunch for 300 people in two hours. But dammit, if you're going to charge me a goddamn car payment for a meal, you need to nail that shit down! The quality of the product is irrelevant if you're torturing it through poor process. And then to let it out of the kitchen like that?! My god, go find another line of work.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:43 AM on April 9, 2017 [48 favorites]
Because here's the secret: it's not hard to make good food. It isn't. What's hard is to maintain that, day after day, shift after shift, service after service. THAT'S hard, and it depends on a whole constellation of intangibles coming together: ordering, storage, process, plating, whether the sous is still fighting with pantry, if the pastry chef has the shakes, if your dishwasher is in a good mood. That's hard, and that's why restaurants fail. It's a LOT to manage, and so much of it is at such a granular level that it's easy to overlook when you're trying to do a brunch for 300 people in two hours. But dammit, if you're going to charge me a goddamn car payment for a meal, you need to nail that shit down! The quality of the product is irrelevant if you're torturing it through poor process. And then to let it out of the kitchen like that?! My god, go find another line of work.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:43 AM on April 9, 2017 [48 favorites]
Actually, a stool purse sounds like a great idea...I could go just anywhere!
*squints*
wait, what exactly are they serving and calling 'caramelized onions'?
posted by sexyrobot at 10:51 AM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
*squints*
wait, what exactly are they serving and calling 'caramelized onions'?
posted by sexyrobot at 10:51 AM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
The usual complaint about the plating we see in this review is that fine dining is too foofy, tiny bites on giant plates, a bad value.
Which is inaccurate, because it ignores the fact that at most such places, you'll be eating *12* of those small helpings, which is still *a metric fuckload of food*.
I have been so full after 14 courses of those "tiny bites" that I was obliged to lie down on the sidewalk outside when we left.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:52 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Which is inaccurate, because it ignores the fact that at most such places, you'll be eating *12* of those small helpings, which is still *a metric fuckload of food*.
I have been so full after 14 courses of those "tiny bites" that I was obliged to lie down on the sidewalk outside when we left.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:52 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Went to Moto in Chicago once several years back. Was making good money at the time, lived nearby and said "Let's do this, and go all the way!"
Wife and I, 20 small plate meal with wine pairings: $700. Amazing experience, will never do it again. Everything was inventive and wonderful, but after a while, there's just diminishing returns for quantity and price. By the end, even going easy, we were pretty drunk and were really ready to get some fresh air, I mean leave.
Great dining can be worth it, but there's a limit to what is "good" when money is no object (as it was that one night for us, just for the hell of it).
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:55 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Wife and I, 20 small plate meal with wine pairings: $700. Amazing experience, will never do it again. Everything was inventive and wonderful, but after a while, there's just diminishing returns for quantity and price. By the end, even going easy, we were pretty drunk and were really ready to get some fresh air, I mean leave.
Great dining can be worth it, but there's a limit to what is "good" when money is no object (as it was that one night for us, just for the hell of it).
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:55 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Some of the best places to eat when you're not in the U.S. are in department stores and hotels.
My experience is limited to NA and Western Europe, where the table d'hote is now a multi-century tradition of mediocrity. I can certainly imagine it could be different in other cultures.
posted by praemunire at 10:57 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
My experience is limited to NA and Western Europe, where the table d'hote is now a multi-century tradition of mediocrity. I can certainly imagine it could be different in other cultures.
posted by praemunire at 10:57 AM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
This made me laugh, thanks.
I'm trying to remember another bad restaurant review, also from Paris, that I read in the last couple years. It was a small authentic bistro that got by on its history and no-frills charm, maybe one of these places that Hemingway frequented or had been around for 200 years, but was now resting on its laurels and couldn't put a decent place of food together to save its life. I believe there was cassoulet or confit involved, and I remember the staff's hostility to the diner being a factor.
I think it was also written by a Brit, similarly acerbic, and I probably across it on the Blue. I'd like to read it again -- anyone remember what I'm talking about?
posted by andromache at 11:08 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm trying to remember another bad restaurant review, also from Paris, that I read in the last couple years. It was a small authentic bistro that got by on its history and no-frills charm, maybe one of these places that Hemingway frequented or had been around for 200 years, but was now resting on its laurels and couldn't put a decent place of food together to save its life. I believe there was cassoulet or confit involved, and I remember the staff's hostility to the diner being a factor.
I think it was also written by a Brit, similarly acerbic, and I probably across it on the Blue. I'd like to read it again -- anyone remember what I'm talking about?
posted by andromache at 11:08 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I never quite know who the intended audience is
A food critic's job at a major publication is manifold. Yes, they review restaurants for people who are likely to go to those restaurants to let them know whether it's worth it or not, but they also critique the art of dining in the vein of a theater or book critic. Most people don't have the money to go see Hamilton or the time to read a 1,000+ page book, but does that mean the critic shouldn't review those works? Food critics review high-end restaurants like these because often that's where the most highly skilled chefs are working and that's where the pinnacle of the art form can be found. That's not always true, of course, and it would be a mistake to review only fine dining restaurants, but nobody does that anyway.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 11:09 AM on April 9, 2017 [10 favorites]
A food critic's job at a major publication is manifold. Yes, they review restaurants for people who are likely to go to those restaurants to let them know whether it's worth it or not, but they also critique the art of dining in the vein of a theater or book critic. Most people don't have the money to go see Hamilton or the time to read a 1,000+ page book, but does that mean the critic shouldn't review those works? Food critics review high-end restaurants like these because often that's where the most highly skilled chefs are working and that's where the pinnacle of the art form can be found. That's not always true, of course, and it would be a mistake to review only fine dining restaurants, but nobody does that anyway.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 11:09 AM on April 9, 2017 [10 favorites]
I'll never be able to afford a place like this, but I found the review an eye-opener, and not just for the comedy value.
This is a Michelin three-star restaurant, on a list that claims to include the best in the world. The list of michelin 3-star restaurants is amazingly short, so for me, the dreadful review is a useful cross-check on the whole Michelin system. When I think of how chefs can drive themselves mercilessly in pursuit of even one or two stars, to find the so-called pinnacle of the ratings is so bad is quite a surprise.
posted by Azara at 11:16 AM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
This is a Michelin three-star restaurant, on a list that claims to include the best in the world. The list of michelin 3-star restaurants is amazingly short, so for me, the dreadful review is a useful cross-check on the whole Michelin system. When I think of how chefs can drive themselves mercilessly in pursuit of even one or two stars, to find the so-called pinnacle of the ratings is so bad is quite a surprise.
posted by Azara at 11:16 AM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm trying to remember another bad restaurant review, also from Paris, that I read in the last couple years. It was a small authentic bistro that got by on its history and no-frills charm
Was it AA Gill reviewing L’Ami Louis?
"We order foie gras and snails to start. Foie gras is a L’Ami Louis specialty. After 30 minutes what come are a pair of intimidatingly gross flabs of chilly pâté, with a slight coating of pustular yellow fat. They are dense and stringy, with a web of veins. I doubt they were made on the premises. The liver crumbles under the knife like plumber’s putty and tastes faintly of gut-scented butter or pressed liposuction. The fat clings to the roof of my mouth with the oleaginous insistence of dentist’s wax."
posted by Wordshore at 11:22 AM on April 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
Was it AA Gill reviewing L’Ami Louis?
"We order foie gras and snails to start. Foie gras is a L’Ami Louis specialty. After 30 minutes what come are a pair of intimidatingly gross flabs of chilly pâté, with a slight coating of pustular yellow fat. They are dense and stringy, with a web of veins. I doubt they were made on the premises. The liver crumbles under the knife like plumber’s putty and tastes faintly of gut-scented butter or pressed liposuction. The fat clings to the roof of my mouth with the oleaginous insistence of dentist’s wax."
posted by Wordshore at 11:22 AM on April 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
how Cortex pronounces "cat's arse" and "stool"
"bayg"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:23 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
"bayg"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:23 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
My female companion, who booked the table, is given one without prices. Waiters look baffled when we protest, but replace it.
2017, everybody!
posted by Going To Maine at 11:25 AM on April 9, 2017 [26 favorites]
2017, everybody!
posted by Going To Maine at 11:25 AM on April 9, 2017 [26 favorites]
Was it AA Gill reviewing L’Ami Louis?
Yes, thank you Wordshore!
The pustular, veiny pate was among the details that haunted me. Thanks; off to re-read it.
posted by andromache at 11:27 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yes, thank you Wordshore!
The pustular, veiny pate was among the details that haunted me. Thanks; off to re-read it.
posted by andromache at 11:27 AM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is a Michelin three-star restaurant, on a list that claims to include the best in the world.
Yeah, that's what really gets me. When I initially scanned "hotel in Four Seasons George V" (the George V is on the Champs d'Elysees, it's about as staid and mindless-rich as you can imagine), I was like, well, that's what you should expect from a joint like that...and then I saw the Michelin stars (and then I looked at the name).
Michelin is a bunch of homers and still tends to over-favor the white-tablecloth style, but you should never have an experience like that described in the review in a three-star place.
posted by praemunire at 11:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Yeah, that's what really gets me. When I initially scanned "hotel in Four Seasons George V" (the George V is on the Champs d'Elysees, it's about as staid and mindless-rich as you can imagine), I was like, well, that's what you should expect from a joint like that...and then I saw the Michelin stars (and then I looked at the name).
Michelin is a bunch of homers and still tends to over-favor the white-tablecloth style, but you should never have an experience like that described in the review in a three-star place.
posted by praemunire at 11:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Holy shit it's better than I remembered:
...the waiters lurk like extras for a Gallic version of The Sopranos. The staff are an essential part of Louis’s mystique. Paunchy, combative, surly men, bulging out of their white jackets with the meaty malevolence of gouty buffalo. They may well be related by blood—theirs or other people’s.
God he's mean, I love it.
posted by andromache at 11:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [14 favorites]
...the waiters lurk like extras for a Gallic version of The Sopranos. The staff are an essential part of Louis’s mystique. Paunchy, combative, surly men, bulging out of their white jackets with the meaty malevolence of gouty buffalo. They may well be related by blood—theirs or other people’s.
God he's mean, I love it.
posted by andromache at 11:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [14 favorites]
The nieces thing is amusing on its own, but also hints at the real scam here, along with the lack of prices on the menu the woman originally receives. This place doesn't exist to please; it exists to intimidate. It exists to be a show of power. At that price point, you are not there to have a pleasant time with someone you really like. Some places that expensive may coincidentally be nice, but it's not part of the spec, as it were. The requirement is for a restaurant like that to reassure someone of sufficient means of their place in society, and leave anyone who is not already in that class feeling awed and off-balance. An older man does not take a young woman there so she can have a life-changing experience with amazing food.
posted by Sequence at 11:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [25 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 11:31 AM on April 9, 2017 [25 favorites]
Hahahahahha
But never, ever has a waiter commiserated with me about the lack of service.
Twenty minutes later, possibly under their own steam, the snails arrive.
OK sorry I know we're talking about this other restaurant but god damn
posted by andromache at 11:34 AM on April 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
But never, ever has a waiter commiserated with me about the lack of service.
Twenty minutes later, possibly under their own steam, the snails arrive.
OK sorry I know we're talking about this other restaurant but god damn
posted by andromache at 11:34 AM on April 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
The requirement is for a restaurant like that to reassure someone of sufficient means of their place in society, and leave anyone who is not already in that class feeling awed and off-balance.
I don't quite think so, since that implies that they expect to have such people dining there and that they care what such people would think. Intimidation isn't necessary in such a scenario.
The young women aren't there to be put "off-balance" or intimidated, they're there to be reassured that their, ah, patrons have sufficient means to hold up their end of the bargain.
The lack of prices on the ladies' menu would actually have been quite common until roughly (?) the middle of the twentieth century. The assumption was that she wouldn't be paying and that she shouldn't feel compelled to pick one dish or the other based on price. It's just a very very old-school touch (I've never been anywhere that did this, only read about them). Honestly, sometimes I wish restaurants still had these for guests generally.
posted by praemunire at 11:36 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
I don't quite think so, since that implies that they expect to have such people dining there and that they care what such people would think. Intimidation isn't necessary in such a scenario.
The young women aren't there to be put "off-balance" or intimidated, they're there to be reassured that their, ah, patrons have sufficient means to hold up their end of the bargain.
The lack of prices on the ladies' menu would actually have been quite common until roughly (?) the middle of the twentieth century. The assumption was that she wouldn't be paying and that she shouldn't feel compelled to pick one dish or the other based on price. It's just a very very old-school touch (I've never been anywhere that did this, only read about them). Honestly, sometimes I wish restaurants still had these for guests generally.
posted by praemunire at 11:36 AM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
When I think of how chefs can drive themselves mercilessly in pursuit of even one or two stars, to find the so-called pinnacle of the ratings is so bad is quite a surprise.
I've never had a bad meal in a Michelin starred restaurant. A number haven't been transcendent given their price point and there have been individual dishes I haven't gotten along with, but I've never had anything truly bad.
While this is a good takedown piece, other reviews (and especially photos) have been much better. This isn't necessarily the sort of dining experience I enjoy and not my first choice, it's likely that the meal itself wasn't really bad, unless you're looking to pick it apart.
Far more valuable was the NYT review of Per Se last year since the reviewer has been there a number of times and can tell when the restaurant isn't at its best.
I'm familiar with this critic but not whether he's done many other reviews of such places in France. He certainly knows what he's talking about, but A lack of other reviews of 3 Michelin starred Paris restaurants can give some hints about his motivations.
posted by mikesch at 11:44 AM on April 9, 2017
I've never had a bad meal in a Michelin starred restaurant. A number haven't been transcendent given their price point and there have been individual dishes I haven't gotten along with, but I've never had anything truly bad.
While this is a good takedown piece, other reviews (and especially photos) have been much better. This isn't necessarily the sort of dining experience I enjoy and not my first choice, it's likely that the meal itself wasn't really bad, unless you're looking to pick it apart.
Far more valuable was the NYT review of Per Se last year since the reviewer has been there a number of times and can tell when the restaurant isn't at its best.
I'm familiar with this critic but not whether he's done many other reviews of such places in France. He certainly knows what he's talking about, but A lack of other reviews of 3 Michelin starred Paris restaurants can give some hints about his motivations.
posted by mikesch at 11:44 AM on April 9, 2017
My female companion, who booked the table, is given one without prices. Waiters look baffled when we protest, but replace it.
2017, everybody!
It's the place older men take their nieces for a special occasion; obviously, it's going to be his treat.
posted by nubs at 11:47 AM on April 9, 2017 [15 favorites]
2017, everybody!
It's the place older men take their nieces for a special occasion; obviously, it's going to be his treat.
posted by nubs at 11:47 AM on April 9, 2017 [15 favorites]
Here's Michelin's review of Le Cinq. As with all Michelin guide entries it's not very informative; the content is all in the rating. I looked it up because I was curious about the forks. We're all talking about the 3 stars as the mark of quality, and it is, but the stars are more about the service and decor than the quality of the food. You don't find purse-stools in 1 star restaurants. The flowers in a 2 star restaurant probably cost $500 a night or more. A 3 star restaurant will have a separate young man whose entire job it is to pour water; he is not also serving bread, much less is the restaurant so gauche as to have him also pouring wine.
I looked it up because I was curious about the forks. That's the review of the food. Michelin gives it 5 forks, the highest rating. There are plenty of 3 star / 2 fork places where the food is very good but not particularly interesting. The 5 forks promises something particularly exceptional. The brief commentary suggests the last full inspection was before Le Squer took over, perhaps he is the problem. (Although Ledoyen was hardly a slouch.)
The part of the review that really zings to me is
posted by Nelson at 11:47 AM on April 9, 2017 [16 favorites]
I looked it up because I was curious about the forks. That's the review of the food. Michelin gives it 5 forks, the highest rating. There are plenty of 3 star / 2 fork places where the food is very good but not particularly interesting. The 5 forks promises something particularly exceptional. The brief commentary suggests the last full inspection was before Le Squer took over, perhaps he is the problem. (Although Ledoyen was hardly a slouch.)
The part of the review that really zings to me is
The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by Ferran Adrià at El Bulli about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says. Spherifications of various kinds – bursting, popping, deflating, always ill-advised – turn up on many dishes. It’s their trick, their shtick, their big idea. It’s all they haveThose fancy spheres still impress diners the world-round with their novelty. Rayner is not only saying this one was badly executed, he's saying this culinary trend is played out, no longer enough. And that Le Cinq should be ashamed for using it, particularly more than once. That's a very precise critique. In this case the audience is specifically chef Le Squer, not just us.
posted by Nelson at 11:47 AM on April 9, 2017 [16 favorites]
Jay Rayner is on the short list of people you should call when you want a negative restaurant review.
Worth reiterating here that he went there specifically hoping to write a positive review. He also doesn't actually review very expensive restaurants that often, and is effusive when he has a positive review, e.g. The Pompadour by Galvin, Sartoria or St John, realistic when it's good but not quite good enough: Bibendum, and critical when it's mediocre: Savini at Criterion, so it's not like hit pieces on Michelin restaurants is his stock in trade.
Jay Rayner's clearly just enthusiastic that people eat good food and don't eat bad food. Like when he recommends a £50-£60 a head place, Skosh as a far better alternative at the end of the review of Le Cinq. And his enthusiastic review of a beachside fish restaurant. There's lots more to see in his contributor page on The Guardian website.
There's also a great bit in the review of Skosh, where he replies to someone criticising his use of the word 'riff' to mean 'extemporise on the subject of' with the reply:
Worth reiterating here that he went there specifically hoping to write a positive review. He also doesn't actually review very expensive restaurants that often, and is effusive when he has a positive review, e.g. The Pompadour by Galvin, Sartoria or St John, realistic when it's good but not quite good enough: Bibendum, and critical when it's mediocre: Savini at Criterion, so it's not like hit pieces on Michelin restaurants is his stock in trade.
Jay Rayner's clearly just enthusiastic that people eat good food and don't eat bad food. Like when he recommends a £50-£60 a head place, Skosh as a far better alternative at the end of the review of Le Cinq. And his enthusiastic review of a beachside fish restaurant. There's lots more to see in his contributor page on The Guardian website.
There's also a great bit in the review of Skosh, where he replies to someone criticising his use of the word 'riff' to mean 'extemporise on the subject of' with the reply:
Thank you for the lesson on the jazz form. Obviously I wouldn't know anything about that, but at least I can now use that knowledge when I play Ronnie Scott's next month.posted by ambrosen at 12:17 PM on April 9, 2017 [27 favorites]
> it's likely that the meal itself wasn't really bad, unless you're looking to pick it apart.
Are you kidding? Did you actually read the review? Are you accusing him of flat-out lying?
posted by languagehat at 1:09 PM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
Are you kidding? Did you actually read the review? Are you accusing him of flat-out lying?
posted by languagehat at 1:09 PM on April 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
They aren't really neices...
posted by SyraCarol at 1:17 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by SyraCarol at 1:17 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
The young women aren't there to be put "off-balance" or intimidated, they're there to be reassured that their, ah, patrons have sufficient means to hold up their end of the bargain.
Always strikes me as a bit of a shame that when a woman is being strategically impressed by a fancy restaurant, she's not allowed (either by diet or by custom) to enjoy the best of it.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:37 PM on April 9, 2017
Always strikes me as a bit of a shame that when a woman is being strategically impressed by a fancy restaurant, she's not allowed (either by diet or by custom) to enjoy the best of it.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:37 PM on April 9, 2017
Two or three times I've eaten at restaurants like this while travelling in places like Paris, San Sebastian, Rome. And here's the thing. None of the guests are locals. All are international visitors. Some rich, some just splurging. All you hear is English. None of us know each other and none of us want to. We're all too focused on having a Memorable Experience in our assigned seats.
It's like you've been beamed into the first class section of an international flight. As nice as it is, it's claustrophobic. You're glad when it's all over and you can get back to real life.
posted by mono blanco at 1:49 PM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
It's like you've been beamed into the first class section of an international flight. As nice as it is, it's claustrophobic. You're glad when it's all over and you can get back to real life.
posted by mono blanco at 1:49 PM on April 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
Previously on metafilter, The Transubstantiation of the Turnip, a four-in-one review of Per Se, Eleven Madison Park, (Brooklyn Fare's) Chef's Table, and Masa by Harper's Tanya Gold.
posted by autopilot at 1:52 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by autopilot at 1:52 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Wow, that's such a good read.
I'm having a super rough week, which has left me in bed during the afternoon, too exhausted to do anything physically or mentally challenging. But apparently, reading exquisite reviews of bad restaurants can hold my attention.
Please, more!
posted by meese at 2:27 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm having a super rough week, which has left me in bed during the afternoon, too exhausted to do anything physically or mentally challenging. But apparently, reading exquisite reviews of bad restaurants can hold my attention.
Please, more!
posted by meese at 2:27 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Are you kidding? Did you actually read the review? Are you accusing him of flat-out lying?
Not at all. I'm saying that I've personally been in restaurants where I've thought I've had a terrible meal while everyone else at the table thought it was incredible. I've been to places recommended by friends I trust that just fell flat. Michelin may have gotten this one wrong or standards have fallen since the last ranking. If that's the case we'd find out next year hopefully.
In retrospect the meals I haven't enjoyed were probably perfectly acceptable and fine for what they were. At 3 stars the quality of the meal shouldn't even be a question but what I'm saying is that if you don't eat in these kinds of restaurants all that often or don't just really enjoy food you'll probably have a good experience. Even if you were served the exact same meal as that critic. If you dine in these kinds of restaurants often you'll be disappointed, as this critic was.
The constant sphereification is there to appeal to a particular audience, for whom this is a splurge. I'm honestly surprised I didn't see any gold leaf on desserts. Honestly the food just looks completely dated at a time when restaurants are swinging back to honest, recognizable food. That's enough to turn me off, but maybe not someone who is looking to splurge on a fine meal as a capstone to a once in a lifetime trip to Paris.
I'm not saying the meal wasn't bad. I'm just saying it probably was still "good" by the standards of most of its clientele.
posted by mikesch at 2:38 PM on April 9, 2017
Not at all. I'm saying that I've personally been in restaurants where I've thought I've had a terrible meal while everyone else at the table thought it was incredible. I've been to places recommended by friends I trust that just fell flat. Michelin may have gotten this one wrong or standards have fallen since the last ranking. If that's the case we'd find out next year hopefully.
In retrospect the meals I haven't enjoyed were probably perfectly acceptable and fine for what they were. At 3 stars the quality of the meal shouldn't even be a question but what I'm saying is that if you don't eat in these kinds of restaurants all that often or don't just really enjoy food you'll probably have a good experience. Even if you were served the exact same meal as that critic. If you dine in these kinds of restaurants often you'll be disappointed, as this critic was.
The constant sphereification is there to appeal to a particular audience, for whom this is a splurge. I'm honestly surprised I didn't see any gold leaf on desserts. Honestly the food just looks completely dated at a time when restaurants are swinging back to honest, recognizable food. That's enough to turn me off, but maybe not someone who is looking to splurge on a fine meal as a capstone to a once in a lifetime trip to Paris.
I'm not saying the meal wasn't bad. I'm just saying it probably was still "good" by the standards of most of its clientele.
posted by mikesch at 2:38 PM on April 9, 2017
This isn't Disneyworld.
Hey now. Victoria & Albert's may well be the best restaurant in all of Florida, and is absolutely in the top 3. I don't know where I'd rank it in the nation as a whole but it is not ridiculous to put it in the top... 40?
Trust me, the shit you see in those pictures out of Le Cinq would not fly there. Heads would roll.
posted by Justinian at 4:04 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Hey now. Victoria & Albert's may well be the best restaurant in all of Florida, and is absolutely in the top 3. I don't know where I'd rank it in the nation as a whole but it is not ridiculous to put it in the top... 40?
Trust me, the shit you see in those pictures out of Le Cinq would not fly there. Heads would roll.
posted by Justinian at 4:04 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
And yes! It is at! Disneyworld!
posted by Justinian at 4:06 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 4:06 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
"The lack of prices on the ladies' menu would actually have been quite common until roughly (?) the middle of the twentieth century. The assumption was that she wouldn't be paying and that she shouldn't feel compelled to pick one dish or the other based on price. It's just a very very old-school touch (I've never been anywhere that did this, only read about them). Honestly, sometimes I wish restaurants still had these for guests generally."
I've been places that do this! Just nicer places with a more formal ambiance, usually European cuisines, probably in the $40-$60 main course range -- but they're fairly gender-independent now. Typically when you make the reservation they'll ask if it's a date/special occasion/business meeting/party/whatever, and if you say yes they'll bring the price menu to the person who indicated on the phone/online that they're the host, and the unpriced menu to everyone else. If you don't indicate when making the reservation or upon arrival that there's a host/person treating their date/individual paying for the table, they give you all normal menus.
In high school three friends and I were taken by our homecoming dates to a nicer local French restaurant, the sort of place our parents might go 2 or 3 times a year (so not ridiculously expensive but not every-weekend fare), and it did the priced/unpriced menus, and all four of our mothers warned us in advance that when eating the unpriced menu on an early date, order the chicken. (So as not to bankrupt your date with steak or market-price seafood.) Only later on can you take your date at his or her word to "order anything you want!" when you know a little about each others' finances and restaurant tastes (as they won't take you somewhere they can't afford if they know you love a filet).
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:07 PM on April 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
I've been places that do this! Just nicer places with a more formal ambiance, usually European cuisines, probably in the $40-$60 main course range -- but they're fairly gender-independent now. Typically when you make the reservation they'll ask if it's a date/special occasion/business meeting/party/whatever, and if you say yes they'll bring the price menu to the person who indicated on the phone/online that they're the host, and the unpriced menu to everyone else. If you don't indicate when making the reservation or upon arrival that there's a host/person treating their date/individual paying for the table, they give you all normal menus.
In high school three friends and I were taken by our homecoming dates to a nicer local French restaurant, the sort of place our parents might go 2 or 3 times a year (so not ridiculously expensive but not every-weekend fare), and it did the priced/unpriced menus, and all four of our mothers warned us in advance that when eating the unpriced menu on an early date, order the chicken. (So as not to bankrupt your date with steak or market-price seafood.) Only later on can you take your date at his or her word to "order anything you want!" when you know a little about each others' finances and restaurant tastes (as they won't take you somewhere they can't afford if they know you love a filet).
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:07 PM on April 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
Metafilter: It is mostly black, like nightmares, and sticky, like the floor at a teenager’s party.
posted by jonp72 at 4:30 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by jonp72 at 4:30 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
The purse stool sounds like a great idea. I carry a satchel most of the time, and i'd love to not just throw it on the floor whenever I go out.
But... purse hooks?
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:36 PM on April 9, 2017
But... purse hooks?
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:36 PM on April 9, 2017
In that case, when a meal like this is a huge deal that you might get to experience once every few years, or once in a lifetime, it can be really really good to know ahead of time that a place isn't all it's cracked up to be, or that you're just paying for ambience and snootiness instead of actual quality.
This is it for me, too. I've always wanted to go do one of those $200+ tasting menus someplace... but I'll probably do that fewer than five times in my entire life. If one of those times the food was actively BAD, I would be devastated.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:44 PM on April 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
This is it for me, too. I've always wanted to go do one of those $200+ tasting menus someplace... but I'll probably do that fewer than five times in my entire life. If one of those times the food was actively BAD, I would be devastated.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:44 PM on April 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
"But... purse hooks?"
Hell on the straps if you carry a very heavy purse. (Also depends how fast you go through purses ... I use purse hooks on my cheap ones, but nice ones I want to last for years, I don't do that to the straps!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:08 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Hell on the straps if you carry a very heavy purse. (Also depends how fast you go through purses ... I use purse hooks on my cheap ones, but nice ones I want to last for years, I don't do that to the straps!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:08 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I made a vat of Texan chili over the weekend that was better than anything I've ever eaten anywhere, will last me a couple more meals, and had maybe twenty bucks worth of ingredients. Those press shots vs actual photos are hysterical. Restaurant criticism is the only place that passion still exists in the world.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:34 PM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:34 PM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
It would be a little distressing to read a review of a €600 meal that was exquisite and delicious
I love reading that stuff.
posted by bq at 5:41 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I love reading that stuff.
posted by bq at 5:41 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I vote for Ratatouille 2 to feature this restaurant and this review!
posted by yueliang at 5:45 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by yueliang at 5:45 PM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also, aren't purse hooks just the teensiest bit gauche? Just me?
posted by orrnyereg at 5:53 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by orrnyereg at 5:53 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I mean the ones that are built into the bar/booth/table, not the ones you carry around with you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:55 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:55 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I mostly see purse hooks at bars, not at tables, though once in a while I have sat at a table with them.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:41 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Dip Flash at 6:41 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've been places that do this! Just nicer places with a more formal ambiance, usually European cuisines, probably in the $40-$60 main course range -- but they're fairly gender-independent now.
You're right, of course--I've seen this for pre-arranged group business dinners. I guess I mentally slot those into another category.
posted by praemunire at 7:32 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
You're right, of course--I've seen this for pre-arranged group business dinners. I guess I mentally slot those into another category.
posted by praemunire at 7:32 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Hey now. Victoria & Albert's may well be the best restaurant in all of Florida, and is absolutely in the top 3. I don't know where I'd rank it in the nation as a whole but it is not ridiculous to put it in the top... 40?
I find a lot about Disney/WDW that doesn't live up to my expectations but they really don't drop the ball on the resort dining. ( Well, with the exception of that one Reuben at a late lunch, but it was a classic mistake of not draining/cooking on the grill the sauerkraut, so the grilled bread was soggy... )
The Grand Floridian has a great steakhouse if you're not into a V & A experience, Narcoossess. They held our entrees, so when the fireworks began we could go out to the patio with our drinks and enjoy them before the next course.
posted by mikelieman at 9:25 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I find a lot about Disney/WDW that doesn't live up to my expectations but they really don't drop the ball on the resort dining. ( Well, with the exception of that one Reuben at a late lunch, but it was a classic mistake of not draining/cooking on the grill the sauerkraut, so the grilled bread was soggy... )
The Grand Floridian has a great steakhouse if you're not into a V & A experience, Narcoossess. They held our entrees, so when the fireworks began we could go out to the patio with our drinks and enjoy them before the next course.
posted by mikelieman at 9:25 PM on April 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Curiously, the TripAdvisor reviews, even the most recent ones, seem overall still positive.
posted by storybored at 11:17 PM on April 9, 2017
posted by storybored at 11:17 PM on April 9, 2017
I'm feeling very put off of fancy restaurants today. My girlfriend and I went out to one for her birthday last night and came away a little disappointed. The more you spend (especially the more you spend proportional to how much money you actually have), the more it stings when you don't have a great time. For us, the fancy restaurant outing is a rare occasion. Last night wasn't so expensive that we had to save up for months, but it's not like we can afford to do something like it again anytime soon. No review can guarantee a good time or a bad time -- everyone else at the restaurant last night seemed to enjoy themselves, and I can say that with some confidence because we were all seated very close to each other -- but if I ever have the means to go to a Michelin-starred place, I'd like to know, plainly, if it will be worth the cost. So much of fine dining seems to be built on reputation, and I appreciate knowing when it doesn't hold up under scrutiny. This didn't have the meanness of some of the other vicious restaurant reviews I've read. It seemed more like disappointment than glee.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:02 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:02 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
I was once excited to see lots of little dog beds in a Japanese cafe, one per table, hoping that the place would soon fill up with lots of dogs, but they turned out to be little beds for bags so they didn't need to go on the floor. I've missed them ever since.
posted by BinaryApe at 12:50 AM on April 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by BinaryApe at 12:50 AM on April 10, 2017 [7 favorites]
Everything about it signals that the diner has access to rarified, inaccessible things: the €600 / US$635 price tag for a modest meal; the trend-chasing menu; the tacky, Trumpian plating; the stunty molecular-gastronomy bullshit; the professional servants making sure that your handbag doesn't touch the ground; the fact that much of the population wouldn't be admitted past the front door.
I wonder if the mediocre or unpalatable qualities of the food aren't in some way a feature; perhaps as a peacock-tail demonstration of wealth (“I can spend €600 on food that isn't even good, that's how rich I am!”), or perhaps some culinary equivalent of music snobbery, showing contempt for the common rabble who like their food conventionally tasty in the way that (pre-gentrification definition) hipsters would for those who liked their music to have melodies and lyrics and not sound unpleasant?
posted by acb at 2:56 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
I wonder if the mediocre or unpalatable qualities of the food aren't in some way a feature; perhaps as a peacock-tail demonstration of wealth (“I can spend €600 on food that isn't even good, that's how rich I am!”), or perhaps some culinary equivalent of music snobbery, showing contempt for the common rabble who like their food conventionally tasty in the way that (pre-gentrification definition) hipsters would for those who liked their music to have melodies and lyrics and not sound unpleasant?
posted by acb at 2:56 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
No review can guarantee a good time or a bad time ... but if I ever have the means to go to a Michelin-starred place, I'd like to know, plainly, if it will be worth the cost
But these two statements are, surely, contradictory?
I'm reading this thread with a slight tinge of guilt because I just got back from a birthday weekend where, yes, I ate a meal that was in this ball park of cost, and possibly, on paper, in this ballpark of pretentiousness. And I can completely understand that for a lot of people it would *not* seem like it was worth the money, and possibly there would be people who would actively dislke the food I ate. It was not about a hearty meal of good ingredients well cooked; it was about actively challenging and interesting moments of consumption.
But trying to establish if someone else will like this? That is really hard unless you know them intimately. For example - I often find high-end food over salted. This is because I tend to eat a low-salt diet at home. I know enough about eating out to know that this is my problem/quirk & would not leave a bad tripadvisor review saying ‘too salty’; but knowing enough to be able to tell you if it’ll be salty for you one way or another is challenging.
Honestly, the best example from this weekend’s meal is probably a small dish (a predessert!) that actually made me slightly angry: two components, which separately were not good tasting – but which when put together on a spoon somehow countered each other and made something delicious. My partner and I sat there eating it, trying the bits separately and making faces, then trying them together and asking each other HOW IS THIS WORKING IS THIS MAGIC. I’d say that of 20 ‘courses’ 2.5 were a bit meh (I will never like poached pears NEVER), 3 were stunningly excitingly outstandingly amazing, and 14.5 were extremely good. I can completely see how some diners would not think this is the sort of experience worth a £500-for-two price tag.
I see this sort of dining as a hobby. Whatever I might put aside to do sports or go to the theatre or develop a big craft stash or a new gaming console, and so on can go on this activity instead. I would no more advise someone to do it than I would advise them to take up lacrosse or macrame unless I had a good idea that this was the sort of thing they’d like doing, and that doesn’t just mean ‘they like good food’, it’s more than that.
ALL THAT SAID: those photos are incredibly revealing. I have never seen food presented that badly in a starred place; the fact that those dishes ever made it to the table looking like that says so much to me about how bad this place must actually be.
My absolute favourite dish was a sheep-milk icecream garnished with a bit of a wild flower. It sounds like nothing but the flower was like tasty grass and it’s spring here and the lambs are out and about two mouthfuls in I suddenly realised THIS was what it must taste like to be a lamb that’s still drinking milk while learning to graze – creamy milky comforting fresh grassy crisp. I realise a lot of people would give me a serious side-eye for saying that, and see it as incredibly pretentious, but *for me* it was just so exciting, despite being so simple (apparently simple, anyway)- so clever, so stimulating, such an encapsulation of the season.
posted by AFII at 2:57 AM on April 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
But these two statements are, surely, contradictory?
I'm reading this thread with a slight tinge of guilt because I just got back from a birthday weekend where, yes, I ate a meal that was in this ball park of cost, and possibly, on paper, in this ballpark of pretentiousness. And I can completely understand that for a lot of people it would *not* seem like it was worth the money, and possibly there would be people who would actively dislke the food I ate. It was not about a hearty meal of good ingredients well cooked; it was about actively challenging and interesting moments of consumption.
But trying to establish if someone else will like this? That is really hard unless you know them intimately. For example - I often find high-end food over salted. This is because I tend to eat a low-salt diet at home. I know enough about eating out to know that this is my problem/quirk & would not leave a bad tripadvisor review saying ‘too salty’; but knowing enough to be able to tell you if it’ll be salty for you one way or another is challenging.
Honestly, the best example from this weekend’s meal is probably a small dish (a predessert!) that actually made me slightly angry: two components, which separately were not good tasting – but which when put together on a spoon somehow countered each other and made something delicious. My partner and I sat there eating it, trying the bits separately and making faces, then trying them together and asking each other HOW IS THIS WORKING IS THIS MAGIC. I’d say that of 20 ‘courses’ 2.5 were a bit meh (I will never like poached pears NEVER), 3 were stunningly excitingly outstandingly amazing, and 14.5 were extremely good. I can completely see how some diners would not think this is the sort of experience worth a £500-for-two price tag.
I see this sort of dining as a hobby. Whatever I might put aside to do sports or go to the theatre or develop a big craft stash or a new gaming console, and so on can go on this activity instead. I would no more advise someone to do it than I would advise them to take up lacrosse or macrame unless I had a good idea that this was the sort of thing they’d like doing, and that doesn’t just mean ‘they like good food’, it’s more than that.
ALL THAT SAID: those photos are incredibly revealing. I have never seen food presented that badly in a starred place; the fact that those dishes ever made it to the table looking like that says so much to me about how bad this place must actually be.
My absolute favourite dish was a sheep-milk icecream garnished with a bit of a wild flower. It sounds like nothing but the flower was like tasty grass and it’s spring here and the lambs are out and about two mouthfuls in I suddenly realised THIS was what it must taste like to be a lamb that’s still drinking milk while learning to graze – creamy milky comforting fresh grassy crisp. I realise a lot of people would give me a serious side-eye for saying that, and see it as incredibly pretentious, but *for me* it was just so exciting, despite being so simple (apparently simple, anyway)- so clever, so stimulating, such an encapsulation of the season.
posted by AFII at 2:57 AM on April 10, 2017 [16 favorites]
Fine dining, like many forms of restaurant dining, is an art and a place to show high craft from really skilled chefs for a particular aesthetic, philosophy, and price point. Come on, the Blue went wild over a FPP on Iron Chef Japan, who really would turn up their nose at an opportunity to have a fine dining experience? It's basically an edible ~symphony for the senses~
posted by yueliang at 3:10 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by yueliang at 3:10 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
Now, the iPhone pillow I was provided at another place so that my phone need not rest directly on the bar, that was a bit silly
Last year I was out with work colleagues in Manchester's Northern Quarter and that happened. Overpriced (though not extortionate) and pretentious restaurant, though the UK government (i.e. the taxpayer) was paying. One of our group of four - a very hetero, masculine, "I am man, hear me roar" man - had an iPhone; the rest of us Samsung smartphones. The bearded, muscular waistcoated waiter insisted, bordering on aggressively, bringing a tiny purple cushion just for the iPhone. Not for us Samsung owners, we all noted. So it sat there, conspicuously on the edge of the table, like a glistening expensive turd so out of place it's impossible to ignore, and us mere Samsung owners made the occasional quip to our annoyed colleague through the meal (which was, inevitably, served on recycled wooden boards):
"Oh look, your cushion has little tassles on it. They complement your iPhone nicely."
"Is purple really your colour? Do you think they will swap it for a different coloured cushion if you ask?"
"Maybe if it gets colder this evening they'll bring a tiny blanket to cover your iPhone and keep it warm."
Towards the end of the meal, a call came through and his iPhone lit up. Simultaneously the rest of us were "OOOOH" and "SO PRETTY, LOOK, THE LIGHTS AND THE CUSHION" and "AWWW".
We haven't been back since.
posted by Wordshore at 3:56 AM on April 10, 2017 [32 favorites]
Last year I was out with work colleagues in Manchester's Northern Quarter and that happened. Overpriced (though not extortionate) and pretentious restaurant, though the UK government (i.e. the taxpayer) was paying. One of our group of four - a very hetero, masculine, "I am man, hear me roar" man - had an iPhone; the rest of us Samsung smartphones. The bearded, muscular waistcoated waiter insisted, bordering on aggressively, bringing a tiny purple cushion just for the iPhone. Not for us Samsung owners, we all noted. So it sat there, conspicuously on the edge of the table, like a glistening expensive turd so out of place it's impossible to ignore, and us mere Samsung owners made the occasional quip to our annoyed colleague through the meal (which was, inevitably, served on recycled wooden boards):
"Oh look, your cushion has little tassles on it. They complement your iPhone nicely."
"Is purple really your colour? Do you think they will swap it for a different coloured cushion if you ask?"
"Maybe if it gets colder this evening they'll bring a tiny blanket to cover your iPhone and keep it warm."
Towards the end of the meal, a call came through and his iPhone lit up. Simultaneously the rest of us were "OOOOH" and "SO PRETTY, LOOK, THE LIGHTS AND THE CUSHION" and "AWWW".
We haven't been back since.
posted by Wordshore at 3:56 AM on April 10, 2017 [32 favorites]
Well, if they brought cushions for all the Samsungs, they'd have to offer them for HTCs and Huaweis, and next thing you know, we'd have Nokia 3310s on cushions, and there'd be anarchy...
posted by acb at 4:39 AM on April 10, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by acb at 4:39 AM on April 10, 2017 [8 favorites]
In that case, when a meal like this is a huge deal that you might get to experience once every few years, or once in a lifetime, it can be really really good to know ahead of time that a place isn't all it's cracked up to be, or that you're just paying for ambience and snootiness instead of actual quality.
I think this is key. Ruth Reichl figured it out years ago and talked about it a good bit in her book about being the NYT food critic, Garlic and Sapphires (one of my favorite books for reasons I can't quite figure out). Her first really big review, of four-star Le Cirque, played up a dichotomy of dinner as an unknown and dinner as a celebrity. It's funny, I had thought that this (no star) review of a restaurant called the Box Tree was similarly overt. The review itself really isnt, but the chapter of the book that described how the review came to be was; there was a young couple next to her in the restaurant who clearly didn't have very much money but had saved up to go to a special place (the young man said, "all the books said this was the best place, the most romantic!") and, like Reichl and her companion, got terrible food and nasty service. She ended up dropping her critic's disguise mid-meal, telling the young couple she'd pay their bill, and sending them to a much better restaurant.
posted by dlugoczaj at 6:52 AM on April 10, 2017 [14 favorites]
I think this is key. Ruth Reichl figured it out years ago and talked about it a good bit in her book about being the NYT food critic, Garlic and Sapphires (one of my favorite books for reasons I can't quite figure out). Her first really big review, of four-star Le Cirque, played up a dichotomy of dinner as an unknown and dinner as a celebrity. It's funny, I had thought that this (no star) review of a restaurant called the Box Tree was similarly overt. The review itself really isnt, but the chapter of the book that described how the review came to be was; there was a young couple next to her in the restaurant who clearly didn't have very much money but had saved up to go to a special place (the young man said, "all the books said this was the best place, the most romantic!") and, like Reichl and her companion, got terrible food and nasty service. She ended up dropping her critic's disguise mid-meal, telling the young couple she'd pay their bill, and sending them to a much better restaurant.
posted by dlugoczaj at 6:52 AM on April 10, 2017 [14 favorites]
I wonder if the mediocre or unpalatable qualities of the food aren't in some way a feature; perhaps as a peacock-tail demonstration of wealth (“I can spend €600 on food that isn't even good, that's how rich I am!”), or perhaps some culinary equivalent of music snobbery, showing contempt for the common rabble who like their food conventionally tasty in the way that (pre-gentrification definition) hipsters would for those who liked their music to have melodies and lyrics and not sound unpleasant?
You are way overthinking this. These people just don't have taste--or, to be fair, they have extremely conservative tastes, and privilege comfort and service over any kind of interesting (and therefore risky) culinary experience. At best, they may recognize a twenty-year-old trend like spherification as something "fancy." There are the equivalent of culinary Schoenbergians, but the people eating at places like Le Cinq are not actually after the pig's-blood truffle.
posted by praemunire at 8:39 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
You are way overthinking this. These people just don't have taste--or, to be fair, they have extremely conservative tastes, and privilege comfort and service over any kind of interesting (and therefore risky) culinary experience. At best, they may recognize a twenty-year-old trend like spherification as something "fancy." There are the equivalent of culinary Schoenbergians, but the people eating at places like Le Cinq are not actually after the pig's-blood truffle.
posted by praemunire at 8:39 AM on April 10, 2017 [2 favorites]
It would be a little distressing to read a review of a €600 meal that was exquisite and delicious
I love reading that stuff.
enthusiastically positive food writing squicks me out bad
the vocabulary and metaphors that writers tend to associate with enjoyable food experiences just...I don't know. for me it's like reading somebody review a really good wank sesh
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:17 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
I love reading that stuff.
enthusiastically positive food writing squicks me out bad
the vocabulary and metaphors that writers tend to associate with enjoyable food experiences just...I don't know. for me it's like reading somebody review a really good wank sesh
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:17 AM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
two components, which separately were not good tasting – but which when put together on a spoon somehow countered each other and made something delicious.
To have this experience at home, I recommend gin and tonic.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:30 AM on April 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
To have this experience at home, I recommend gin and tonic.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:30 AM on April 10, 2017 [4 favorites]
No review can guarantee a good time or a bad time ... but if I ever have the means to go to a Michelin-starred place, I'd like to know, plainly, if it will be worth the cost
But these two statements are, surely, contradictory?
Not entirely. Maybe I phrased it badly, but what I'm saying is that I can't expect a guarantee of a good time, but in a world where reputation and prestige play such a huge role, I'd rather know if I'm paying for an excellent experience, or if I'm paying to eat in a gilded room with bubbles of onion puree. Does that make sense? A reviewer can't tell me I'll have a good time or not, but they can tell me they don't the food isn't worth $170 a plate compared to other places that charge that much. Yes, I've been to well-reviewed places that I didn't like (I'm talking cheap places that Jonathan Gold reviewed in LA -- where at least I wasn't out a ton of money when I didn't enjoy myself). But a good, thorough review at least gives me something to go on. It's not a guarantee, but I trust it more than reputation alone, or how many stars a place has on Yelp.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:54 PM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
But these two statements are, surely, contradictory?
Not entirely. Maybe I phrased it badly, but what I'm saying is that I can't expect a guarantee of a good time, but in a world where reputation and prestige play such a huge role, I'd rather know if I'm paying for an excellent experience, or if I'm paying to eat in a gilded room with bubbles of onion puree. Does that make sense? A reviewer can't tell me I'll have a good time or not, but they can tell me they don't the food isn't worth $170 a plate compared to other places that charge that much. Yes, I've been to well-reviewed places that I didn't like (I'm talking cheap places that Jonathan Gold reviewed in LA -- where at least I wasn't out a ton of money when I didn't enjoy myself). But a good, thorough review at least gives me something to go on. It's not a guarantee, but I trust it more than reputation alone, or how many stars a place has on Yelp.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:54 PM on April 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
Here's an interview with the author of this review on healthy eating, which to me, shows a real independent thinker, prepared to start from first principles but using the depth of his knowledge and experience. Sample paragraph (I think the blogger's paraphrasing isn't all that, but still,...):
Jay has always been “deeply suspicious” of fad diets, but it wasn’t until he began researching his 2013 book, Greedy Man in a Hungry World, that he noticed how “dangerous they had become”. Jay’s exploration of the food industry took him from the farmers markets of British suburbia to the rolling hills of the New Zealand countryside, with sufficient myth-busting, fact checking and bullshit detection along the way. Did you know that buying locally isn’t always the more environmentally friendly choice? Oh, and that your local supermarket isn’t actually the devil reincarnated?posted by ambrosen at 3:31 PM on April 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older Who else could substitute for Chris Squire? | PTA Gift for Someone Else’s Child? A Touchy... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
{tumbleweeds roll past}
posted by Wordshore at 7:35 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]