Yessiree, just your average ordinary week of healthy eating.

April 23, 2017 3:14 AM

I ATE THREE EGGS EVERY SINGLE MORNING FOR A WEEK - HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED
posted by aldurtregi (67 comments total)

Monday
then the ants came swarming and I had to coat my supplies in gasoline to preserve them.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:23 AM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]

See, this is why gimmick diets are bad. Last time I did a seven-day juice cleanse, the Old Ones returned off the coast of the New Hebrides again. Low-energy transdimensional combat suuuucks.
posted by Etrigan at 4:07 AM on April 23, 2017 [46 favorites]

The American Egg Board, a solitary gleaming tower in the midst of devastation, illuminated symbol of our former civilization. What force of good -- or evil -- preserves it?
posted by ardgedee at 4:32 AM on April 23, 2017 [16 favorites]

The Cormac McCarthy diet
posted by TedW at 4:33 AM on April 23, 2017 [27 favorites]

Whatever happened to television's most famous couples?
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:43 AM on April 23, 2017 [24 favorites]

How do you turn an AskMe into an article so fast? I guess the ... extenuating circumstances ... helped.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:45 AM on April 23, 2017 [10 favorites]

Still more helpful and interesting than anything lifehacker put out for years, tbh.
posted by ominous_paws at 4:46 AM on April 23, 2017 [13 favorites]

Eggs have often portended the apocalypse. Martin Kippenberger knew this: we are all sick egg men and women. "One crack and the thing goes all to pieces. That’s the surprise of an egg: One minute it is a perfect unity and the next it is a goddamn mess, spilling all over the place in various densities of goo." So like us, the eggs.
posted by informavore at 4:52 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

where does their solution put the waffle house index

note - sorry about the lack of a question mark... or capitalization... my shift keys are apparently the only keys on my keyboard that don't work anymore... its either all lower case with minimal punctuation or CASP LOCK DAY as caps lock still works until i get a new one.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:56 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Pfft. The headline is pure clickbait; the author doesn't even keep to the diet for the whole week!
posted by kewb at 5:01 AM on April 23, 2017 [12 favorites]

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large.
posted by lharmon at 5:12 AM on April 23, 2017 [22 favorites]

I bit into an egg this morning and it tasted kinda gross so I spit out the chewed up egg and it looked like scrambled eggs.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:18 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

lharmon

but that is too many eggs bro
posted by ELF Radio at 5:20 AM on April 23, 2017 [6 favorites]

"My boy says he can eat fifty eggs, he can eat fifty eggs."
posted by walrus at 5:21 AM on April 23, 2017 [14 favorites]

"Eggs! Eggs! Damn all eggs!"

For we too are surely damned.
posted by howfar at 5:22 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

I think the author gave up way to easily on the last day. I 'm sure he could have found some pigeon eggs. Yes they're smaller, but he could always supplement them with with the protein from his hair as it fell out.
posted by SteveInMaine at 5:26 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

that's all we needed - another round of eggsatology
posted by pyramid termite at 6:02 AM on April 23, 2017 [23 favorites]

So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
posted by indubitable at 6:03 AM on April 23, 2017 [9 favorites]

I think the author gave up way to easily on the last day. I 'm sure he could have found some pigeon eggs.


I don't think that would have worked- most of the pigeons flew themselves to exhaustion when the Trumpets sounded. The ones that remain now belong to the Duke of the Lower Burning Swamp. Defy him at your peril!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:23 AM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]

Nothing to do with the Egg Board or dystopian diet posts whatsoever but Emma Morano, who, until she died recently, was the oldest person in the world, ate two raw eggs a day and one cooked since age 20.
posted by peppertree at 6:24 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

Pepsi err Egg Blue?
posted by DBAPaul at 6:28 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

that's all we needed - another round of eggsatology

I think we're still delving into eggsagesis
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:33 AM on April 23, 2017 [11 favorites]

Classic problem with any wonder diet: he gave up too soon. You need to stick this kind of thing out. If he'd kept going for another week then he'd have a decent zombie apocalypse going on. That'd clear out the invaders pretty fast.

Now zombies are a problem too, but the week of dieting after would bring on the post-apocalyptic raider gangs. The zombies wouldn't stand a chance against that many machetes and chainsaws.

Keep going for one more week, to trigger a rapture, or a world-cleansing plague, or suchlike, and it's plain-sailing all the way, rebuilding the world with a new, healthy, body. Probably a body that was grown in a vat somewhere, but my point still stands.

The problem with people these days: no commitment.
posted by YAMWAK at 6:45 AM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]

This is basically the week after Easter every year, for me. *shrug*
posted by wenestvedt at 7:02 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Overhead, without any fuss, the eggs were going out.
posted by gwint at 7:10 AM on April 23, 2017 [38 favorites]

What kind of eggs you like?
posted by moonmilk at 7:30 AM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]

that's all we needed - another round of eggsatology

I think we're still delving into eggsagesis

Don't immanentize the eggschaton.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:37 AM on April 23, 2017 [20 favorites]

If you get eggs direct from the farmer, they're often eggschaton, but they're perfectly safe if you wash them off before using them.
posted by moonmilk at 7:39 AM on April 23, 2017 [16 favorites]

Thanks a LOT for the earworm, moonmilk.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:57 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

The problem is that the author didn't stick to plain hard-boiled, maybe with a little salt. You start messing around with fancy egg recipes, you end up summoning something that can't be unsummoned.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:22 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Wasn't expecting the eggsistential crisis
posted by rouftop at 8:22 AM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]

Will no one think of the chickens?
posted by kozad at 9:10 AM on April 23, 2017

I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me. That white round thing without any holes … have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it.

Alfred Hitchcock
posted by sexyrobot at 9:13 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

kozad: "Will no one think of the chickens?"

My girlfriend in college used to order the boneless chicken, over easy with bacon and rye toast. Took a good few seconds for most waiters to catch on.
posted by AugustWest at 9:19 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: One minute it is a perfect unity and the next it is a goddamn mess, spilling all over the place in various densities of goo.
posted by mosk at 9:32 AM on April 23, 2017 [6 favorites]

This has been plaguing me on the facebooks. (hugs metafilter)
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on April 23, 2017

This thread has taught me a very important lesson: I'm just a sucker for egg puns...
posted by saulgoodman at 9:51 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

AugustWest an oldie but a goodie for ya
posted by supermedusa at 9:51 AM on April 23, 2017

I actually do eat 3 scrambled eggs every morning for breakfast, mixed or smeared with spinach, or salsa, or green onions, or whatever else i have on hand, and... i think the article is on to something. I feel less hungry all day.

My veterinarian once explained in great detail why eggs were "the perfect protein" for my aging dogs, so why not for us?
posted by ELF Radio at 10:00 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

Eggs come from chickens. Chickens are soft and fun to hold after being chased halfway across your yard.
posted by triage_lazarus at 10:23 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

where does their solution put the waffle house index


I think cooking salvaged eggs on a hubcap in the burnt-out ruins of a Waffle House still counts as "open."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:33 AM on April 23, 2017 [8 favorites]

Is it because this call is actually coming from inside the Waffle House?
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:55 AM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]

Eggsistential humor.
posted by Oyéah at 10:56 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

My veterinarian once explained in great detail why eggs were "the perfect protein" for my aging dogs, so why not for us?

Because ph'nglui mglw' nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
posted by howfar at 11:06 AM on April 23, 2017

I bet I'd win a contest of which mefite lived closest to a Waffle House.

Well, define "live".
posted by Etrigan at 11:07 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

> I bet I'd win a contest of which mefite lived closest to a Waffle House.

According to Google Maps, there's a Waffle House 2,700 ft in a straight line from my house, curbside-curbside. 4,000 ft by shortest street route.
posted by ardgedee at 11:11 AM on April 23, 2017

lharmon

but that is too many eggs bro

I'll have you know, now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a barge.

So there.
posted by lharmon at 11:30 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

Emma Morano, who, until she died recently, was the oldest person in the world, ate two raw eggs a day and one cooked since age 20.

Eating an egg that had been cooked for 93 years is surely what killed her!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:43 AM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]

I ate the egg man
They ate the egg men
I ate the walrus
posted by Splunge at 12:10 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]

goo goo g'thulu
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:17 PM on April 23, 2017 [11 favorites]

I bet I'd win a contest of which mefite lived closest to a Waffle House.

I bet I'd win a contest of which mefite lives closest to the original Waffle House (which is now a museum and always closed).
posted by hydropsyche at 2:40 PM on April 23, 2017

As long as you order something once in a while, they'll never kick you out, right? So easy to win this bet.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:47 PM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

I can never decide if I want to go to the Waffle House or not.
posted by Chitownfats at 2:51 PM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

I bet I'd win a contest of which MeFite has never been to a Waffle House
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:12 PM on April 23, 2017

Eggs fall apart; the shell cannot hold
Mere albumin is loosed upon the world
The yolk-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of breakfast is drowned
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:55 PM on April 23, 2017 [16 favorites]

There's a very nifty app called CluckAR that has been developed by Choice here in Australia. It lets you use your phone's camera to scan the lid of a "free range" egg carton, and it provides you with a visual representation of how "free range" the eggs inside really are.

About the best I've been able to find in a supermarket is rated 7, which is average. I scanned some wildly expensive eggs that were calling themselves "free range" and clocked in at 3 and even 1. Outside a standard supermarket, at e.g. an organic produce store, you can find eggs rated at 17+, which are the ones we get. A few extra bucks, but we don't eat three eggs a day.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:55 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

that's all we needed - another round of eggsatology

I think we're still delving into eggsagesis

In any case, this is irrefutably an eggs-istential crisis.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:58 PM on April 23, 2017

As Heid-egger once put it: "Why are there beings at all, instead of Nothing?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:02 PM on April 23, 2017

Speaking of clickbait, I clicked on the Farewell to Girls link on the side.
I have no idea why this included a link to Sally Field on Johnny Carson, but that clip made my day.

And now back to your regularly scheduled post...
posted by MtDewd at 8:17 PM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

> My veterinarian once explained in great detail why eggs were "the perfect protein" for my aging dogs, so why not for us?

This is called egging the question, and I thank you for this opportunity to use the idiom in its correct context.
posted by vanar sena at 9:37 PM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]

I've been eating rather more eggs lately. Listen, if you're ever short on money and need to think about the least to pay for the most effect of food, eggs are right up there at the top. A dozen of large costs less than $2 around here, and while if you demand free range hens the price might double*, you've still got twelve amazingly compact and tasty packets of protein. 8 large eggs provides the average total protein need for an entire day, so if you have a large breakfast at four eggs, you're made good headway towards your nutritional requirements. What I'm saying is, eggs are like a gift to low-income folk and the health-conscious alike.

* BTW, read the carton/box so you're sure the hens actually are treated well. There's at least one company around here that names their product something that sounds nice but doesn't actually promise they treated their chickens well. This stuff matters.
posted by JHarris at 9:43 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

I bet I'd win the contest re which mefite lives closest to the middle of fucking nowhere. Seriously, the locals can only dream about a Waffle House.
posted by she's not there at 11:18 PM on April 23, 2017

54 miles to a Waffle House from my front door. Not great, but I suppose some have it worse. "Worse" would be closer or farther, depending on your opinion of Waffle House.

Anyways, a Metafilter contest for who's farthest from a Waffle House would be a great idea. First prize should be a gift card to Waffle House.
posted by honestcoyote at 11:48 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]

I think we have at least one MeFite in Antarctica. Waffle Houses may be a southern thing, but I don't think quite that far south.
posted by JHarris at 12:40 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Metafilter isn't an exclusively American community. Fuck a Waffle House.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:45 AM on April 24, 2017

More like wAWFUL house amirong?
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:16 AM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

🎶I eat three eggs before I eat three eggs,
and theeeen I eat three more
(EAT THREE EGGS) 🎶
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 11:05 PM on April 24, 2017