Jeans represent democracy in fashion
April 27, 2017 3:45 PM   Subscribe

If clear-knee jeans don't go far enough, TopShop now offers full clear jeans (or used to; perhaps they came to their senses). And Nordstrom takes virtue-signaling to new, er, heights with pre-mudcaked jeans. Baffled commentary at Consumerist.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (82 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
Wasn't this an SNL sketch in the 80s?
posted by saulgoodman at 3:48 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


No, it was a movie. (Although, I'm sure I'll see some dufus wearing them eventually).
posted by jonmc at 3:50 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Clear jeans (among a bunch of other eerily accurate stuff) were predicted by Gary Shteyngart in Super Sad True Love Story.
posted by telegraph at 3:53 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]


So that bike chain grease on the right calf of all my pants is now a feature? Cool!
posted by Flashman at 3:57 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


Here's the parody I was thinking of... It was on In Living Color, not SNL...
posted by saulgoodman at 3:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Iggy Pop rocking out.
posted by caek at 3:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


I will be more than happy to mudcake your jeans for a mere $300, what a bargain!

For an additional fee, I will tear them artisanally, the old fashioned way, by climbing over a fence.
posted by louche mustachio at 3:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [9 favorites]


leg condoms

and shit stained jeans

great work u guys
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [17 favorites]


And yet when I tried to sell a pair of jeans that were splattered with paint to the thrift store, they laughed at me.

There is no justice in this world. (Well, there will be if whoever is making the muddy jeans ends up out of business.)
posted by Hactar at 3:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


I find the reaction (my own reaction!) to the muddy jeans fascinating. From the beginning, jeans were hard-wearing work clothes for miners and cowboys that were adopted as fashion garments at least partially because of those associations with ruggedness and authenticity. And for years they’ve been available pre-shrunk, pre-faded, pre-frayed and patched. I don’t know why the mud-splattered ones should seem any more ludicrous. But somehow they are.
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 4:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]


I bought my first pair of pre ripped shorts last week, so if pre dirtied jeans take off I'll come around to them in 15 years or so.
posted by yellowbinder at 4:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


Clear pants, you say? That's Mr. Asian Soul himself, JYP, sporting them in 1995 and in 2016.

More of the 2016 version in his music video "Still Alive".
posted by needled at 4:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


I don’t understand the line in fashion between things it is okay to consider ridiculous and the things that look ridiculous but actually make sense after deeper critical analysis. (For instance, leather sweatpants.)
posted by Going To Maine at 4:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [7 favorites]


jonmc: "No, it was a movie. (Although, I'm sure I'll see some dufus wearing them eventually)."

I thought that I was the only one who remembered that film. I mostly remember it because they filmed it near where I grew up in NJ.
posted by octothorpe at 4:17 PM on April 27, 2017


I guess it's a little past when Doc wore his clear tie, so it's a natural evolution.
posted by nat at 4:26 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


I still work at a charity store sorting clothes, and such is the volume of donations we only keep clothes which are flawless. A stain or a loose thread and it is turned into rags. Hactar, are there really places that buy used jeans? First up, if they have paint on them, now you have clothes to wear next time you paint. Secondly, donate your clothes. And last, buy your clothes second hand.

I'm so serious about that last one. We are being donated clothes which are perfectly fine, sometimes never worn, and we have to throw them away or send them to Africa because we can't sell enough of them. It's the side of the equation people don't understand. It's great to give to charity, it's equally important to buy from charity.

As for jeans, here's a photo from my own laundry basket of my jeans next to my partner's. If you really want to be innovative, how about making jeans for women with pockets that aren't just decorative.
posted by adept256 at 4:30 PM on April 27, 2017 [17 favorites]


I mean, I can kinda sorta get full clear pants as a Bold Fashion Statement, just (ahem) barely. But what on earth is the rationale for clear-knee jeans??
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:31 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


The muddy ones are funny because I'm guessing that glossy stuff is acrylic paint or something else that won't wash off, it'll just crack and crumble with wear. It's so glossy! But isn't the point of this stuff to be looked at, gawked at, even? If so, everyone pointing and gasping is sort of performing the voyeur for the exhibitionist who buys these things.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:34 PM on April 27, 2017


For some reason, the idea that human beings are paying $425 for pre-mud-caked jeans is the final straw that has made me lose all faith in us as a species.
posted by The otter lady at 4:34 PM on April 27, 2017 [16 favorites]


The dirt jeans are hilarious. They claim to "embody rugged, Americana workwear that's seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty."

No, mostly they show that you have more money than brains, since they cost $425.

In counterpoint to people who wear actual mud-encrusted jeans in public (I gather that these have some kind of probably-plastic paint-ish coating), who either have more ego than brains ("these look fine! Nobody'll mind that they're covered in dirt!") or are living in poverty or an emergency situation, or both.

Because wow, absolutely nobody should want to be seen in public in those jeans.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 4:35 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


what on earth is the rationale for clear-knee jeans??

man nobody ever asks what the rationale for low-cut blouses is. what, sternums are sexier than knees now? what a world. a victorian man would tear his mustache out with envy for what the modern man cannot be troubled to appreciate a glimpse of
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:37 PM on April 27, 2017 [38 favorites]


Kinda reminds me of a IT Crowd sketch...
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 4:38 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


crackled, caked-on muddy coating

I love this marketing speak; it's from the same family as "cheese product." Also, those leather sweatpants were at least as absurd as this.
posted by Existential Dread at 4:39 PM on April 27, 2017


If you really want to be innovative, how about making jeans for women with pockets that aren't just decorative.

OH MY GOD YES POCKETS PLEASE. If I could have one frivolous law passed, it would be mandatory pockets in all women's pants - real pockets, not teensy slit-like things that can hold maybe a lip balm.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:40 PM on April 27, 2017 [15 favorites]


I hilariously threw out my mud stained / highly abused work jeans out on the weekend. I should have saved them and offered them on Kijiji for half the cost of the Nordstorms'. Now I know and I'll make my yard work pay for itself this summer! I have to paint the porch this year so I wonder how much paint stained jeans go for?
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:40 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


Name your band Nuclear Genes. Thank me in the liner notes.
posted by davebush at 4:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


These seem super dumb to me, but I'm generally unable to process fashion rules anyway, so what do I know? I wear black shoes with blue suits.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:46 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


Did y'all see those other jeans? "Barracuda" Destroyed Straight Leg. Covered in crotch blood to I guess give the sense that you "destroyed dat ass"? Somebody in China got paid three cents and hour to do that, and were permitted a "creativity threshold" of maybe 5%, because I guarantee all those "hand distressed" jeans are pretty much identical off the rack. Six hundred Ameribucks for fucked up jeans that cost a dollar to manufacture and can't seriously have been "designed" at all. Christ.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:55 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]


Well, at least now I know what to wear with all my see-through shirts and jelly shoes.
posted by maryr at 5:04 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


The mud ones are more extreme, but I have seen jeans with some kind of brown overdye or something in places, obviously designed to look dirty.

I don't know how to search on the ones I've seen in stores with subtler staining, but here are some, which also cost $425.

I don't care for them either, but think it's really weird how everyone seems to have noticed this particular pair.
posted by ernielundquist at 5:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


The clear knee jeans seam like a less-extreme version of this trend, and maybe TopShop added the clear plastic so consumers could distinguish between their elite, premium mom-jeans and just regular mom jeans with the knees cut off at home with scissors.
posted by subdee at 5:07 PM on April 27, 2017


I rather like the mud and red splotch jeans. I don't think I'd pay hundreds of $$$ for them, but I'd wear them.
posted by picklenickle at 5:08 PM on April 27, 2017


The jeans are made in Portugal, not china, and probably cost more to make than sweatshop gap jeans. I think they're ugly, but not worth getting particularly upset over. They're no worse morally than any other clothing item.
posted by Greener Backyards at 5:09 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Rosey M Banks, I recently discovered (probably through Metafilter!) Poche Posh, who only make clothes WITH pockets. And they use a decent diversity of body shapes and sizes on their website. Haven't ordered yet, but am so happy it's a thing.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 5:09 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


I think if you were really gonna try and sell your filthy old rags to some rich jackass, you'd need to think seriously about how you marketed that shit. Get some smooth-handed skinny yutz dressed like a lumberjack in a fedora with a poodle strapped to his chin. Film him buffing a pair of jeans with a pumice stone, carefully drizzling mud on the fabric, sprinkling layers of soil on top. Use a voice over that jabbers warmly about artisanal craftsmanship and natural earth tones.
I'm not sure how you'd account for the smell, but I'm sure the kind of folks that get paid to think up this kind of crap could come up with something.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 5:13 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


For nothing I'm reminded of this song by a local band; Magic Dirt - Dirty Jeans

♬I haven't washed my jeans in three months or more ♬
posted by adept256 at 5:15 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


> If you really want to be innovative, how about making jeans for women with pockets that aren't just decorative

DULUTH TRADING COMPANY, how I love you!
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]


Oh this song too; The Donnas - Dirty Denim

♬You pay 200 dollars to look like that
you oughtta check out the laundromat WOOHOO!♬

posted by adept256 at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2017


The muddy ones are funny because I'm guessing that glossy stuff is acrylic paint or something else that won't wash off, it'll just crack and crumble with wear.

But why wait, when you can buy my exclusive Old Muddies, with artificially pre-distressed artificial mud? Guaranteed to baffle and anger your Milennial parents! Only 90s kids' kids will understand.
posted by No-sword at 5:34 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Portugal is the China of Mediterranea. I'm not upset, I just know that when I was a blastocyst there was already a special cell mass forming that is dedicated entirely to hating these jeans.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:34 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]




DULUTH TRADING COMPANY, how I love you!

I'm dreading the day I find out that they literally kidnap orphans or something, because I love Duluth's clothes. They've taken over my entire closet apart from my suit jackets and some stray pieces I still have around from my military surplus phase.

Their jeans don't come pre-mudded, though.
posted by tobascodagama at 6:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


"Barracuda" Destroyed Straight Leg. Covered in crotch blood

Conveniently, that's another stain I could give them for free.
posted by steady-state strawberry at 6:26 PM on April 27, 2017 [7 favorites]


Rich people think manual labor is ironically cool.

Guess we'll have to give them some blood stained jeans in exchange.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:44 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


This feels like fashion world's angry payback because we're all too enamored of 30% spandex skinnies to move to the next denim trend. Is this the first time in five years someone hasn't tried to relaunch bootcut jeans? They're basically just branching out to other terrible 90s fashions. (FWIW, I remember brown thread "dirt" embroidery from a pair of my brother's jeans back in the late 90s. No, they didn't cost $500. But yes, I made fun of him a lot.)
posted by grandiloquiet at 6:47 PM on April 27, 2017


Rich people think manual labor is ironically cool.

Sweet, let's sell them some ironic muddy jeans and an ironic cheaply-made T-shirt, and then put them ironically behind the wheel of a tractor or make them ironically start laying bricks for minimum wage. Actually, scratch that, make THEM pay for the privilege of ironically building walls or laying cobblestones or smoothing asphalt. Sort of like a cross between pick-your-own strawberries and "Adopt a Highway". I bet we could get them to rebuild our entire infrastructure as long as we included engraved whiskey flasks or customized bike jerseys or some shit. Or an oval decal with an arbitrary number that means something only to community members, like 13.1 does to marathoners.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:56 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]


Clear plastic jeans had a moment in the 70s., but mostly as a disco thing, I think.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:05 PM on April 27, 2017


Clear jeans have one opaque little square on them, a leeetle wee brand name, which tells observers how much was spent on revealing the nature and brand of underwear being worn, and exactly how high up those boots/socks/both go.

Then we pretend like these rich-as-fuck asshats aren't wearing literally invisible clothes.

It's the new fashion.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:06 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Hactar, are there really places that buy used jeans?

Ever see the places in big cities offering cash for your old Levi's?

I remember going through flea markets when I was in Italy as a 19 yo kid and seeing piles of brand new, clearly not Levi's jeans with ratty old Levi's patches on the butt.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 7:12 PM on April 27, 2017


Then we pretend like these rich-as-fuck asshats aren't wearing literally invisible clothes.
It's the new fashion.


It's so new it's old again.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Have the Derelicte jokes been made yet
posted by um at 7:22 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Psst...the emperor is naked...pass it on
posted by stevis23 at 7:40 PM on April 27, 2017


I'm dreading the day I find out that they literally kidnap orphans or something, because I love Duluth's clothes.

Dread the day the Gap buys them. I miss the original Banana Republic.
posted by Bringer Tom at 8:01 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


this is so wrong. YOU are supposed to wear your own damn jeans. They show your passage through the world. this is part of what's wrong with the world (said me, the old cranky guy). People like this want to buy so-called 'cred' like that Kardashian girl wearing a Slayer t-shirt. In the old days, why, I remember actually BUYING USED CLOTHES AND WEARING THEM EVEN MORE.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 8:38 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


There's an old joke about a guy determined to buy a pair of glass bell bottoms. The punch line - I used to think you were crazy but now I can see your nuts.
posted by Carbolic at 9:35 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


Clearly see. Details are important!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:21 PM on April 27, 2017


To be honest, now I really want to wear some of these jeans just to further incite the anger of everyone in this thread. It's just so reminiscent of every time some silly fashion thing pops up and everyone (especially adults) get bent out of shape. Saggy jeans, what ever happened to belts?! Skorts--make up your mind, do you want shorts or a skirt?! Babydoll shirts, hiding your figure in shame! Skinny jeans on men, ugh so wrong!! Jeggings--I can't believe you would print the image of jeans on leggings! You can't wear leggings as pants! Ripped jeans, that defeats their purpose! The return of mom jeans and bootcuts, that's soooo lame! Platform shoes, Uggs, Crocs, AAAH!! And yet all of it eventually becomes normal, and then later forgotten once a couple of fashion outrage cycles have passed.

I'm sure there was a time when horse-riding men were pissed off at upper-class fashionistas for appropriating their high heeled shoes. You're not supposed to WALK in high heels, you're supposed to slip them over stirrups. Posers!!!
posted by picklenickle at 12:28 AM on April 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


You're not supposed to WALK in high heels, you're supposed to slip them over stirrups. Posers!!!

But then how do you reach the pedals?

ALTERNATIVELY

I tried but the cops took my horse, like am I supposed to get a new horse every time I leave the house wtf
posted by saysthis at 2:39 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Also I'm in track pants and flip flops and a plaid shirt with facial hair a quarter inch long and an orange beanie because STOP LOOKING.
posted by saysthis at 2:43 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Iggy Pop is the only human who should wear clear jeans, for only he can do them justice. The rest of us would just sweat.
posted by kinnakeet at 3:24 AM on April 28, 2017


Clear jeans. Maybe we should be wearing them through the airport now.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 5:26 AM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


I think if you were really gonna try and sell your filthy old rags to some rich jackass, you'd need to think seriously about how you marketed that shit.

You just need a nice website and an instagram account, the rest will sort itself out.
posted by effbot at 6:08 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I dig the clear vinyl jeans; the pre-mud-caked ones not as much. I can mud-cake my own jeans, thank you. But none of those look as silly as Haider Ackermann's metallic rose/black leather trousers and they will cost you a cool 3500$.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:22 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


> You just need a nice website

It's a blank page, for me. Clearly I am not cool enough to understand.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:01 AM on April 28, 2017


Site works for me, and I'm not even cool enough to have an instagram, but the story is all over media now.
posted by effbot at 7:14 AM on April 28, 2017


I have to wonder if this isn't just a case of how you keep Nordstrom's name in current memory. It seems like a daft overreach to sell muddy jeans but the undergirding principal seems sound. I don't know if it is still the case but you used to be able to sell used motorcycle tires for more than they cost new if you scuffed up the sidewalls by laying into turns. Then there are plenty of mechanically craptastic vehicles out there that scream out for ownership on the basis of some mashup of fashion/authenticity/signification of fantasy lifestyle. Land Rovers, air cooled VW death buses that pollute like a broken oil well etc. Mind you I don't exclude myself from this stupidity, it hurts to confront your own shallowness. I guess twee is dead but there is still a store up the street that sells brand new cotton canvass knapsacks for the well kitted climber from 1934. I want to start the fashion of wearing Tyvek jumpsuits like you just came off an asbestos remediation job, or maybe sewage worker hip waders?
posted by Pembquist at 10:47 AM on April 28, 2017


If they're made of plastic, they aren't jeans, they're pants. Or trousers. Whichever English term for long-legged coverings you prefer. /pedantic remark I had to get out of my system ever since first seeing these NON-jeans which are NOT made from jeans fabric and thus are NOT jeans omg I need another /pedant tag
posted by fraula at 11:58 AM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


MetaFilter: I need another /pedant tag
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:55 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


If they’re made of plastic, they aren’t jeans, they’re pants.

What is plastic but translucent denim?
posted by Going To Maine at 2:04 PM on April 28, 2017


PAH-lymer, POH-lymer
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:00 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


When I read "poly-cotton blend" on the label, I didn't realize....
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:42 PM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


It's just so reminiscent of every time some silly fashion thing pops up and everyone (especially adults) get bent out of shape. Saggy jeans, what ever happened to belts?! Skorts--make up your mind, do you want shorts or a skirt?! Babydoll shirts, hiding your figure in shame! Skinny jeans on men, ugh so wrong!! Jeggings--I can't believe you would print the image of jeans on leggings! You can't wear leggings as pants! Ripped jeans, that defeats their purpose! The return of mom jeans and bootcuts, that's soooo lame! Platform shoes, Uggs, Crocs, AAAH!! And yet all of it eventually becomes normal, and then later forgotten once a couple of fashion outrage cycles have passed.

The problem being that at least half those things are still, and always were, inherently bad. They didn't become good with time, they just became accepted, mostly with resignation, because that's were we are now.
posted by bongo_x at 2:47 PM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


GET OFF BONGO_X'S LAWN
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:36 PM on April 29, 2017


Especially if you're wearing Croc's. Don't even look at my lawn.
posted by bongo_x at 4:41 PM on April 29, 2017


I count myself fortunate that I don't even know where Bongo's lawn is, because I wouldn't know what to wear to it if I did.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:36 PM on April 29, 2017


Jorts, sleeveless undershirt, and gel shoes.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:03 PM on April 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


My lawn is clothing optional, but Crocs, Uggs, and Jeggings will not be tolerated. I can be polite about most everything else.
posted by bongo_x at 8:56 PM on April 29, 2017


Because nothing is as hot as a fog of butt sweat condensing on the inside of your pants.

I can't wait to see this trend on Instagram.
posted by ananci at 10:42 PM on April 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


I really missed the memo, what's wrong with bootcut jeans? (They're the only jeans I'll wear with sneakers. They just don't look right with skinny jeans)
posted by LizBoBiz at 8:39 AM on May 1, 2017


Nothing is wrong with them, if that's what you like. In an era where people are trying to make shower curtain jeans happen, what ankle flare you prefer should be entirely unremarkable.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:42 AM on May 1, 2017 [2 favorites]






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