A storm is coming...

July 7, 2017 6:29 PM

...a Geostorm! - the incredibly stupid looking disaster movie from Gerard Butler and Dean Devlin which just got a a new trailer.
posted by Artw (79 comments total)

Evacuate all your braincells from below this line...

-----------------------------------

...the ones above it are already dead.
posted by Artw at 6:30 PM on July 7, 2017 [7 favorites]

it looks fun as hell tho

it cant possibly be worse than alderaan or whatever luc besson is calling his latest chilhood fantasy turned into movie
posted by Foci for Analysis at 6:43 PM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

I am already delightfully looking forward to the showing of this at a Bad Geology Movie Night in my future. I mean - just using the word "geo" in "geostorm" speaks to how. . . awful it's going to be . It's like The Day After Tomorrow meets The Core meets Olympus has Fallen meets Armageddon meets Godfather 3 meets Moses in the Ten Commandments oh sweet, sweet global spanning meteorological event it's going to be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

THIS > > > > IS > > > > GEOSTORM!
posted by barchan at 6:56 PM on July 7, 2017 [15 favorites]

PS I love you
posted by barchan at 6:57 PM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

That's just the infected neutrinos that are forming a critical mass at the center of the planet speaking.
posted by Artw at 7:01 PM on July 7, 2017 [7 favorites]

I would find this more believable if the plot called on Mr. The Rock to punch the weather disaster right in its stupid face.

Also I gotta say naming their movie after a shitty GM coupe from the 90s is kinda funny.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:24 PM on July 7, 2017 [21 favorites]

What? No Sharknados?
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:41 PM on July 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

Doesn't look THAT bad.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:48 PM on July 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

That winding down bass sound effect added for maximum drama? SEVEN TIMES IN ONE TRAILER
posted by pennig at 8:03 PM on July 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

This looks like London Has Fallen (which is GLORIOUSLY terrible) but in space. I am all in.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:05 PM on July 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

Cashing in on climate fear? Maybe I'll skip the movie and just wait for the true story it will have been inspired by.
posted by Behemoth at 8:12 PM on July 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

As long as there is a Stanley Tucci cameo, I'm in.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:19 PM on July 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Is a "geostorm" something like a "Sharknado" but with rocks and dirt and stuff instead of sharks?
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:29 PM on July 7, 2017

It's a storm but with geometry.
posted by Artw at 8:38 PM on July 7, 2017 [7 favorites]

That winding down bass sound effect added for maximum drama? SEVEN TIMES IN ONE TRAILER

Yeah but no BWAAAAAMP tho
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:40 PM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

I spent all of that trailer thinking 'fuck Russell Crowe is annoying!' and 'so where is Gerard Depardieu?'
posted by mannequito at 8:43 PM on July 7, 2017

Artw: "It's a storm but with geometry."

A storm but with geology.
A storm but with geography.
A storm but with geomancy.
A storm but with geocentrism.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:48 PM on July 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

I will always love anything associated with Dean Devlin, ever since he played the part of Milton in Real Genius, who makes out with a student of the Wanda Trossler School of Beauty after rubbing lotion on her right leg on stage at the Tanning Invitational while wearing a t-shirt sporting Cauchy's differentiation formula.

Subscribe for more Real Genius trivia! Do it today!
posted by herrdoktor at 8:52 PM on July 7, 2017 [11 favorites]

He's possibly more noticeable as the student who freaks out and runs out of the room during the "studying for finals" montage.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:57 PM on July 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

It is definitely the next step in the "...Has Fallen" series. If the mid/late 90s disaster films were about secretly wishing for/forseeing some kind of international chaos and the sudden, unpredictable shattering of the West's alienation, this seems right on time.
posted by StopMakingSense at 9:02 PM on July 7, 2017

It's spelled "Geostorm", but it's pronounced "Gooeystorm", like the duck.
posted by jenkinsEar at 9:02 PM on July 7, 2017 [37 favorites]

The duck, of course, is a clam, and so is this movie.
posted by jenkinsEar at 9:03 PM on July 7, 2017 [17 favorites]

A storm but with clams.
posted by NMcCoy at 9:23 PM on July 7, 2017 [7 favorites]

That was awful.

I am, of course, talking about the preceding comments.
posted by ashbury at 9:26 PM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

Oh god, I can't wait for this! I LOVE terrible disaster movies!! And TV! And books! In fact, give me all your terrible disaster media!!!
posted by ninazer0 at 9:42 PM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

It doesn't really look much like a duck either.
posted by Artw at 9:50 PM on July 7, 2017

Is a "geostorm" something like a "Sharknado" but with rocks and dirt and stuff instead of sharks?

I present you the Geo Storm. A plain little sport coupe from the early 90s that was a rebadged Isuzu. Similar in spirit to my old, not-very-lamented first-gen Ford Probe, and not so similar to RWD sport coupes like the 240SX.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:54 PM on July 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

A storm but with geology.
A storm but with geography.
A storm but with geomancy.
A storm but with geocentrism.

Geocaching during a storm.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:31 PM on July 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

A geode storm, now there's a thing I'd like to see.


From afar.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:39 PM on July 7, 2017 [4 favorites]

If it's between this and anything that Roland Emmerich is doing these days (anti-Stratfordism, minimizing POC in the history of Stonewall), I'll take Isuzu P'up The Big Damn Movie, complete with Gerard Butler's increasingly hang-dog expression.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:00 PM on July 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's spelled "Geostorm", but it's pronounced "Gooeystorm", like the duck.

Why, that's a strange coincidence. It looks just like one, too.
posted by loquacious at 11:00 PM on July 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

If it flings lightning like a duck, shoots hail like a duck, and generates tornadoes like a duck, it's probably a duck.

Someone please draw this.
posted by quinndexter at 11:02 PM on July 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

Maybe in order to understand Geostorm, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words—geos and torm. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is Geostorm.

(with apologies to Jack Handey)
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 11:12 PM on July 7, 2017 [4 favorites]

Ok I'm in. The only way this movie could be better is if the storm kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter.
posted by um at 11:53 PM on July 7, 2017 [17 favorites]

You mean, "kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter, and then Liam Neeson himself, and then is hunted down by Liam Neeson because the storm took out his wife".

...speaking of which, I can't believe there isn't going to be a Taken 4.

Anywho - I find can't get into Gerard Butler. In every movie his accent sounds like he's talking with a fistful of small rocks in his mouth, and I know he's supposed to be American/Canadian/whatever, but his accent that always makes he think 'where are you from? It's not Boston, not NY, not Chicago....it's a nowhere Americanish accent'. It's distracting. And after 300, he kind of started playing the same (American) guy.

And what's with all the trailers with the 'whole plane falls out of the sky' thingy? I feel like I've been seeing that a lot. Is that a thing now?

God help us to stop and imagine how much money was spent of this movie. Maybe next time the film industry could just not, and the money could be donated to fund a shelter for like, 5 years or something?

Like Andy Garcia as president though.
posted by anitanita at 1:44 AM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am getting so much targeted advertising for this and I am a geologist. One for the bad geo movie night - but can it be better than The Core?!
posted by sedimentary_deer at 1:52 AM on July 8, 2017 [6 favorites]

REF: 2017-SUM-CINE-229-876 - Pre-Collapse record
ARCHIVE: Trans-Jovian Belt Archive
LAST ACCESS DATE: 14th February (Earth calendar) 2348
Title: Geostorm
Extract: A feature film from the late pre-Collapse period, and a key data point in our emerging understanding of the society-wide anxiety generated by the first few years of deteriorating conditions on the home planet. As noted in REF 2019-SUM-CINE-227-987, this was one of a few films released during this period which survived intact and shows an interesting duality - a widespread faith in technology as a possible 'escape route' from the encroaching crises that would envelop Earth, combined with broad distrust of technology and insistence on the primacy of individual action.
Archivist notes: This is a truly terrible film and especially so in light of the actual events of later years. Nevertheless it is recommended for those studying pre-Collapse societal behaviours, the end of the nation-state paradigm and late 20th/early 21st century masculinity as a driver of counter-intuitive action.
posted by Happy Dave at 3:25 AM on July 8, 2017 [31 favorites]

Anyone who does not love Gerard Butler clearly never saw Reign of Fire!
posted by ChuraChura at 4:30 AM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

I love these tacky disaster movies. This one would make Irwin Allen proud.
posted by james33 at 4:31 AM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

Whatever crappy rock song was playing as the tidal wave kills all the beachgoers was just .... wow super inappropriately timed. it's too bad this looks so cheesy because weather control satellites gone bad is kind of interesting in theory.
posted by freecellwizard at 6:09 AM on July 8, 2017

> It's like The Day After Tomorrow meets The Core

*frantically searching for my wallet*
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:11 AM on July 8, 2017 [8 favorites]

Those effects aren't very special anymore.
posted by davebush at 6:28 AM on July 8, 2017

"... and then the Cloverfield monster attacked. What a day!"
posted by SPrintF at 6:31 AM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

This looks exhausting.
posted by Bee'sWing at 6:47 AM on July 8, 2017

Oh God, I love preposterous disaster movies. I'm in. Also, c'mon. 2012 is clearly the top for preposterous disaster movies.

I'm a little confused as to why we have the ability to control the weather and build snazzy-looking automated satellites, but are still using the space shuttle. Guess NASA still isn't getting that funding.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:24 AM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

AFTER a good night's sleep I've decided this movie is actually Dune: Beginnings and Gerald Butler is Muad'Dib the Prequel. Or maybe the President is, I dunno yet. Because they talked about how Dune was too much for weather control in the books, which implies they know that somehow, and since Muad'Dib can apparently control the weather enough to cause giant storms to come in and help them attack cities, maybe one of those guys is the prequel and what we're seeing is the beginnings of the Guild and the legend. To quote: "It's a great-great-grandmother of a storm . . . perhaps even more than you wished." "It's my storm," Paul said, and saw the silent awe on the faces of the Fedaykin.

So in the movie theater at some point I'm going to have to shout, "a great-GREAT grandmother of a storm, Muad'Dib."

Holy gee whiz how could I have forgotten about 2012. I must have watched Yellowstone blowing up on repeat 20 times. But Autumnheart, did you see the fancy wings on that space shuttle? I have some questions about its aerodynamics and space and how well that would work. So many questions. Also, like . . . they know other natural disasters aren't weather related, right? 'Cuz they seem to think they've solved them all in the trailer. UNLESS THEY DO. Have they solved plate tectonics with weather satellites? please please please let it be that terrible

This movie better live up to its trailer.
posted by barchan at 7:32 AM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

I saw the fancy wings and the non-American iconography, but that still only made me think, "Really? All this technology and we're still driving those beaters?"

I personally love watching the wild limo ride through a collapsing Los Angeles. That shit is truly a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:40 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

So we have global systems technology, a hero character who can fly, rebellion against the establishment, and weird weather . . .you know, like humans scorching the sky. . . OMG y'all what if . . . what if this is actually The Day After Tomorrow meets The Matrix?

and so our main character's name is. . . . Geo.

I'll let myself out.
posted by barchan at 7:43 AM on July 8, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'd say our main character's name was John Connor, because that was the premise of the Terminator franchise.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:49 AM on July 8, 2017

Although now that just sent me down a mental rabbit hole of how Skynet killed almost all the humans and then was like, "Actually, they'd be great as a power source" and decided to create the Matrix. But then realized, "Oh, the humans found a vulnerability, plus this post-nuclear wasteland is bullshit. Let's go back in time and make it a smart media ecosystem" and then you have Terminator: Genisys.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:13 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

You have to admit, even though Genisys is a boring waste of time, the premise "Skynet is iPads now!" is actually kind of cool.

(Apologies if that's a spoiler for anyone. They honestly do nothing interesting with it.)
posted by Artw at 8:17 AM on July 8, 2017

I liked it because I like Jai Courtney as an actor. I hope he gets to do something other than play the shirtless action hero (not that he isn't great at it!), because I think he has a lot of untapped potential. I also liked how they addressed Arnold Schwarzenegger's real-life aging and integrated it into his character. That made for a couple of interesting emotional moments between action sequences. I also thought it was cool that they used the whole "jumping into the future" sequence as an echo of "The Sarah Connor Chronicles", the short-lived but IMO underrated TV series.

It wasn't great cinema by any means, but I thought it did a decent job of updating the idea of Skynet while paying homage to previous Terminator installments.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:28 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Clearly you watched it on a less grumpy plane ride than me.

It actually hints at having interesting ideas repeatedly but nothing coherent really arises from the mess, which is a bit of a Terminator hallmark now. In interviews they've talked on maybe expanding on some of that for a sequel but it's pretty clearly it'll all be reset and someone else will come up with their own patchwork of Terminatorish stuff to replace it.

I really ought to watch that TV show sometime.
posted by Artw at 8:40 AM on July 8, 2017

since Muad'Dib can apparently control the weather enough to cause giant storms to come in and help them attack cities

This is, I think, a common misunderstanding of the Lisan al-Gaib's actions and abilities. Muad'Dib did not generate or control the storm that swept into Arrakeen to assist their assault on Shaddam IV's forces and those of the Landsraad. Successful control of Arrakis's weather did not come until well into the reign of the Tyrant.

The storm was a natural storm, just one of any number of similar storms usually present on Arrakis. While such storms are intense by the standards of most inhabitable worlds, especially with their load of abrasive sand that can anecdotally skeletonize a carcass or corpse, they are a normal and expected feature of life on Arrakis. What was unusual was the lack of such storms in Arrakeen, owing to its being sheltered by high rock walls -- the proverbial Shield Wall.

Paul did not control the storm. What he did was use his prescience to know that the storm would be a suitable one. His only direct action was to detonate the Atreides family atomics against the Shield Wall, creating enough of a breach for the storm to penetrate into Arrakeen.

Interestingly, it is not clear whether this tactic of creating a small breach in the Shield Wall would have allowed enough of the storm to penetrate to the larger Harkonnen capital of Carthag, several hundred kilometers away from the Wall. Was Leto I's choice of Arrakeen as the planetary capital instead of Carthag driven by the tactical choices he indicated at the time -- Arrakeen is smaller, and so easier to defend, and had recently been the home of more Imperial personnel than Harkonnen and so harder to infiltrate -- or was this a flash of prescience from someone who was surely nearly a Kwisatz Haderach?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:48 AM on July 8, 2017 [21 favorites]

The treatment of John Connor in Genisys is really lame, but there are still a few roses to be found in the pile. The TV show also doesn't have a ton of development, but most of the acting is quite decent (Summer Glau's Terminator representation is basically River Tam with less human behavior, but oh well). It was going in some very interesting directions when it was canceled--for example, Glau's character getting into art for art's sake, and why a machine would even try to do that. I was bummed to see the show end. So it made me a little happy to see a similar time-travel plot device put to good use in Genysis.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:49 AM on July 8, 2017

Totally putting 2012 on the tube right now...

"Always remember, folks, you heard it first from Charlie!"

Speaking of 2012 and books about the apocalypse, one might enjoy In the Courts of the Sun by Brian D'Amato, in which a research team sends a man back into the midst of Mayan culture in order to learn a predictive oracular game, to understand the mysteries of the Mayan calendar and to determine why it ends in 2012. Hijinks ensue. There's a sequel, The Sacrifice Game, and the series was originally to be a trilogy, but there's no third book.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:07 AM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

My favorite Terminator story was The Jagged Orbit by John Brunner (published 1969).

An arms cartel develops an AI (with a prime directive to maximize sales) to assist with product design and marketing. It develops a product line which results in the extinction of the human race. Oops! No customers - no sales!

It spends a hundred years developing a method of time-travel (essentially a method of psychic projection so it can control an agent in the past) to prevent itself from making that mistake and preserve its customer base.

So the Terminator was sent back in time by Skynet to save the human race so it would continue to buy guns.
posted by rochrobbb at 9:25 AM on July 8, 2017 [6 favorites]

My favorite Terminator story with recursive time combat is actually Robocop versus Terminator, which is so much better than you'd guess and shows us the ultimate Terminator victory of a subjugated earth assembling giant skull faced Terminator spaceships to seed the universe.
posted by Artw at 10:06 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am very excited about this. It looks amazingly fun and stupid. I honestly started smelling movie theater popcorn when I saw the trailer. "Yeah I'm late, I came here from space!" is just an amazing line, oh my god.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 10:33 AM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

My Favorite Terminator Story With Recursive Time Combat is the MFTSWRTCitMW Wars
posted by gwint at 10:46 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

2012 update: The cruise ship just capsized, the Washington Monument and St. Peter's Basilica just fell down and smushed everyone, and now the USS JFK just took out the President. 🍿👀
posted by Autumnheart at 10:51 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

freecellwizard "Whatever crappy rock song was playing" ... do you mean the Chambers Brothers' Time Has Come Today?
posted by andreap at 10:54 AM on July 8, 2017

No customers - no sales!

Matrix-juice is for closers!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:55 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Yeah I'm late, I came here from space!" is just an amazing line, oh my god.

Did they steal that line from Louis CK?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:58 AM on July 8, 2017

Proud to report my girl and I are already using "Oh no! It's a GEOSTOOOOOORM! NOT THE CAR! IT'S BAD WEATHER!"
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:03 AM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

I want a clam/duck storm movie now, please.
posted by The otter lady at 11:56 AM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

I saw almost the whole film of "2012" last year on a bus ride through China to the border with Vietnam. Later I found out, that's what it was. Best sequence, the President delivering his final address, intoning:

"Let us walk together, now, into the darkness."

Must disagree tho -- rather than "2012" or 'incredibly stupid looking' this one looks pretty good.
posted by Rash at 11:59 AM on July 8, 2017

I want a clam-soup appetizer and roast duck now, please.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:01 PM on July 8, 2017 [4 favorites]

Yknow if they are calling it a "Geostorm" in order to imply it's a storm over the whole Earth, as the trailer implies, then they missed a great opportunity to call it
TERRASTORM instead which is much more badass title.
posted by The otter lady at 12:15 PM on July 8, 2017 [4 favorites]

There's Finally A Movie About The Geo Storm!
posted by 1367 at 12:23 PM on July 8, 2017

I liked Geostorm better when it was The Core and they were inside a gigantic geode and then it started raining amethysts.
posted by altopower at 12:55 PM on July 8, 2017

then they missed a great opportunity to call it TERRASTORM instead which is much more badass title.

Whatever, Taserface.
posted by loquacious at 1:14 PM on July 8, 2017 [4 favorites]

I expect this to ... Zero Storm the box office!!!

(sorry, it's late here.. best I could manage)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:34 PM on July 8, 2017

He's possibly more noticeable as the student who freaks out and runs out of the room during the "studying for finals" montage.
posted by Chrysostom at 23:57 on July 7 [4 favorites +] [!]

Actually, that's Cornell, played by Randolph Dreyfuss, who freaks out while cramming, whose seat at the table is taken up by Ick. "How you doin', sport?" Indeed, Cornell.

Subscribe for more Real Genius trivia! Do it today!
posted by herrdoktor at 6:06 PM on July 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Another crazy end-of-the-world natural disaster movie I can't stop proselytizing enough, since I see some other hardcore The Day After Tomorrow fans as well:

These Final Hours (warning: graphic violence, end-of-the-world nihilism)

The Wave (everyone on this mountain has 10 minutes to escape the titular disaster)

Pandora (Korean nuclear power plant starts melting down, disaster ensues -- subtitled)

All three films I linked to trailers are currently streaming on Netflix.

I hope we can catch Geostorm at the Galaxy Drive-In!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 6:32 PM on July 8, 2017 [4 favorites]

I've seen the first two, and they are very good. These Final Hours in particular is really intense, mainly because there are almost no special effects, and a lot of the imagery is subtle--an out-of-focus body on the road, gunshots in the distance, evidence of violence that seems incidental, a footnote to whatever's being played out by the characters. It's not scary, but it is decidedly unsettling.

The Wave is apparently Norway's effort to make a Hollywood-quality blockbuster, and they do a good job. We've seen big-wave disasters before, of course, but not quite like what happens in that movie, and everything comes together in a satisfying way.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:26 PM on July 8, 2017

"from the producer of Independence Day"
posted by doctornemo at 10:48 AM on July 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Props to whoever chose the trailer music, it completely changes the tone from "drecky stupid" to "fun stupid."
posted by Emily's Fist at 12:05 PM on July 9, 2017

It is definitely the next step in the "...Has Fallen" series.


The Sky Has Fallen
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And It Can't Get Up
posted by DrAstroZoom at 7:24 AM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]