5 Self-Care Strategies That Aren't Mani-Pedis

July 10, 2017 11:10 AM

When we create systems of self-care for ourselves, we are dismantling the facets of patriarchy that dictate that emotions are weak and tenderness is inferior. But these systems aren’t built solely on the popular media’s portrayal of self-care: manicures, pedicures, and massage. In order to be sustainable, self-care systems need to be more than just a quick-release valve. They require scaffolding our lives so that when things get truly awful, we have the fortification to weather the shitstorm. So how can we practice sustainable self-care? Here’s what I’ve learned that works for me. Kate McCombs provides practical tips for reflective feminist self-care at Continuum Collective. (Note: Title in link may be NSFW.)
posted by hurdy gurdy girl (53 comments total)

After reading the article, that doesn't strike me as feminist self-care per se, but rather good for everyone.
posted by Samizdata at 11:15 AM on July 10, 2017

Also, some day, I want to have a proper massage.
posted by Samizdata at 11:16 AM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Let's see.

When I paint my nails, it takes time and attention. My hands are busy, so I can't go taking care of anyone else or getting distracted by anything. The phone has to be put down, I can't read, I'm just alone with my thoughts and nail polish. It's playful and fun, I have a huge array of colors and sparkles to choose from, so it's a chance to be silly as well. It's something I can do regularly and set aside time for and look forward to, and it's also something I can do on a whim if I want. I used to not paint my nails when I was younger, when I eschewed anything girly because I wanted other people to think I was smart. Because I grew up with a lot of internalized misogyny. But then I got older, realized there's nothing shameful about liking "gendered" things, and now am a happy feminist who paints her nails as part of her regular self care.

There's a lot in this article about non-judgmental self care, and starting right off with a "fucking mani-pedis" lead in is just, like, maybe not super great for relating that. (And while we're here, explain to me how rolling on a foam roller to open your chest to relieve tension doesn't achieve the exact same things another person might prefer to achieve by getting a massage?)

I realize that the point of this article isn't to say that people should stop getting manicures or whatever (though it might be to sell the $40 deck of tea&empathy cards, did you know you can purchase a $40 set of tea&empathy cards? here's a few more links to the $40 tea&empathy cards) but those things can also accomplish the self care goals she lists, and no one who chooses to do those things is self-caring wrong.
posted by phunniemee at 11:51 AM on July 10, 2017 [55 favorites]

After reading the article, that doesn't strike me as feminist self-care per se, but rather good for everyone.

'Feminist' doesn't just mean 'for women'.
posted by suddenly, and without warning, at 11:53 AM on July 10, 2017 [77 favorites]

@phunniemee: This is true, and I don't think she means that people who enjoy mani-pedis are Doing it Wrong and must stop immediately, but as a person who is just spectacularly AWFUL at applying nail polish (seriously, i think my 3yo could do a better job) it also kind of sucks to always be told that this is what I SHOULD be doing to feel better. And yes I know I could pay someone to do it for me but frankly nail polish just reminds me of all my fashion inadequacies and utterly fails to bring me joy. So I definitely feel the other side of jumping straight to mani-pedi as a Solution To Life.

And I also think there is a kernel of truth about finding less-ephemeral self-care. I DO love massages and I treat myself to one every now and then, but frankly I would go broke if I got a massage as often as it would take for that to actually make me feel good most of the time. They're great, but the effect wears off quickly.

I'm probably not going in for the $40 tea and empathy cards, though...
posted by telepanda at 12:12 PM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

but as a person who is just spectacularly AWFUL at applying nail polish (seriously, i think my 3yo could do a better job)

Oh, that reminds me! I used to be SUPER BAD at painting my nails, but I just started doing it, and kept doing it, and made it a part of my week to sit and do it, and not only did I get better but I've actually gotten pretty darned good, and I love it. Being able to paint my nails really well has absolutely zero benefit to anyone but me. It doesn't make me earn more money, it doesn't benefit other people in my life, it's not something I have to give away or even could give to others. It's a skill I've developed that's 100% for me, for me to enjoy for my own, not for anyone else. That has a LOT of self-care value, and it's not something I've really thought about in those terms before.

(I do totally get that it's not going to have that effect for everyone, and that's okay.)
posted by phunniemee at 12:21 PM on July 10, 2017 [9 favorites]

I appreciated this article. So many people have advised me to have a mani-pedi or a massage without realizing that FOR ME these things are not sustainable. As a disabled person I can't do these these for myself and as someone who make $11.25, I can't afford to pay the $60-$80 that these luxuries cost. The few times I have had a massage, I was too stressed about the cost to enjoy it.

Self empathy is free.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:26 PM on July 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

After reading the article, that doesn't strike me as feminist self-care per se, but rather good for everyone.

'Feminist' doesn't just mean 'for women'.

Then why use the term in this context?
posted by Samizdata at 12:26 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

While I was putting the post together, I was amused by the fact that soon I'll be painting my own toes and going for a nice haircut and massage that I booked last week when I decided it was time for, yes, some self-care. So I absolutely agree with you, phunniemee, that things like manicures and massages can be a really very awesome component of self-care that doesn't have to be in conflict at all with being a feminist.

I can also definitely see how "not another fucking mani-pedi" might come across as judgmental, but I think the author is just expressing frustration at the constant media and corporate message that if you're feeling stressed out by systemic inequality, racism and misogyny, well, just have a massage, or mani-pedi, or perhaps it's wine o'clock! I am fond of all those things, but I also recognize they're not enough. I think it's less a criticism of the people who are getting manicures or massages, and more a criticism of the self-care "lifestyle" that's often sold to us--you should do it a certain way, spend a certain amount of money, etc. It's very consumer based (the opposite of doing your own manicures, for example), and there's not really a mention of anything deeper.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:29 PM on July 10, 2017 [30 favorites]

Good advice for any gender. Meditation didn't work for her, but nothing works for everybody.
posted by kozad at 12:32 PM on July 10, 2017

> Then why use the term in this context?

Feminism at its simplest means "the belief that women should be equal". And part of that means both that women shouldn't be held back by unproductive expectations of their gender role, but also that other genders shouldn't either. Since women historically have been on the losing end of the power relationship with men, it makes sense to call such a perspective "feminist".

Or, as the article puts it:

People who are socialized as women can struggle with self-care because they have been taught their value is in caring for others, often to the detriment of their own wellbeing; they fight against the notion that self-care is at best indulgent and at worst deeply selfish. Those socialized as men are taught that self-care is weakness and shows they “can’t handle it.” But most of us realize, at least intellectually, that we must put on our own masks before helping others.

So, right there in the article: this is for any gender. But the reason we have to talk about self-care at all is because of the unproductive expectations of gender roles, which is exactly the topic of feminism.
posted by yourcelf at 12:43 PM on July 10, 2017 [44 favorites]

By "feminist self-care" she seems to mean self-care that A) is not steeped in gender essentialism and B) encourages the setting of boundaries, openness in relationships, and emotional honesty with oneself (which are all feminist issues, as we learned from the emotional labor thread). These are feminist acts when practiced by either gender.

Despite the link to the expensive cards I think the tip about reflective vs kind self-care practices is my favorite part of the piece, because they are very different things and the kind type is what gets emphasized in the popular vision of self-care, but I find reflective self-care (primarily journaling) to have a much greater effect on my well-being.
posted by sunset in snow country at 12:47 PM on July 10, 2017 [19 favorites]

After reading the article, that doesn't strike me as feminist self-care per se, but rather good for everyone.

Feminism is good for everyone.
posted by nickmark at 12:56 PM on July 10, 2017 [19 favorites]

These are kinda beyond just simple self-care, but still useful and I'm bookmarking them. In my head, I had in mind stuff like "develop good sleep hygiene" and "eat to the point of being not hungry, but not full." (I mean, yeah, I know that's 101 stuff that a lot of people already do, but I'm still working on these myself)
posted by FJT at 1:06 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Her point early on about gender-role essentialism now has me wondering what the men's version of "get a manicure" would be.

Like, marketing to adult women is all about positioning products and services as The Break You Deserve from Your Busy Life as a Modern Woman who is Struggling To Have It All etc etc etc — basically saying "This product constitutes self-care. If you buy it you will feel nourished and cared-for and re-energized in all the ways that are necessary because of your difficult life." The massage/manicure cliche is a part of that, but there's also foods and cars and phones and everything else that's positioned that way. And I wonder what there is that's marketed to men in an analogous way. Beer, maybe? Beer commercials that are all like "You're a tough guy with a tough job and at the end of a tough day you can drink one of these and feel better" — does that count as pitching the product as self-care?
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:08 PM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

So it would be maybe super great if we chose not to have said dumb fight about whither feminism and instead talked about this awesome article of self-care practices that I, for one, am terrible at!

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I miss journalling, and how often I have Feelings that I know I could process fine if I just had an hour or two to write about it, but yet another impending deadline or yet another social engagement precludes me from taking that time. This has been going on for a few years, and I think it's had a marked negative effect on my mental health. Making a few hours a week for this would be a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy, for one.
posted by Phire at 1:16 PM on July 10, 2017 [12 favorites]

This is a great article, thanks for posting it, hurdy gurdy girl.

I found this part especially enlightening: But it’s necessary for our brains to engage with moments of silliness and imagination, especially in times like these where it can feel like everything is on fire. It's so easy, in hard times, to feel like taking time to do something goofy or not-serious, is bad and wrong.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 1:20 PM on July 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

I do like painting my nails. And do we have to optimize everything? Sometimes I just want to veg out to crap TV, paint my nails 'Tipsy Gipsy' (highly unfortunate name, my SJW anti racist brain fought with my grabby greedy consumerist hands over this one...) and NOT WORK ON MY FUCKING FEELINGS OVER 'empathy and tea cards' or whatever. Gah. I just don't. Escapism is valid sustainable self-care.

[now observing the emotions this article stirs up in me. Mostly anger. Still anger. Yup...anger. It's not a bad piece, I think I might just be an angry person.]
posted by The Toad at 1:21 PM on July 10, 2017 [13 favorites]

Beer commercials that are all like "You're a tough guy with a tough job and at the end of a tough day you can drink one of these and feel better" — does that count as pitching the product as self-care?

Hmm, possibly. But beer kinda also falls into, "Hey, be the life of the party and drink this beer!!" which doesn't sound very caring and more about having a cool self-image.

One example for men's self-care that would also be a kind of direct opposite to painting nails is face shaving/beard maintenance. There's stuff like Harry's and Dollar Shave Club, and there's even a chain mall store called "The Art of Shaving" with a Barber Spa.
posted by FJT at 1:25 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Not sure if this is useful to anyone, but I had a big breakthroughs in my idea of self-care recently when I applied a phrase I use to combat negative self-talk - "Would you talk to a close friend that way?" - and reframed it as: "Would you care for a friend that way?"

Imagine my friend came to visit and she got hungry. Would I say, "Wait five hours until I'm done with this project and then you can eat a granola bar?" No, I would not. Would I say, "I'm don't have time to go grocery shopping for you, so why don't you spend three days straight eating this years-old Ramen I found in the basement that one of my old roommates left behind?" No, I would not. If her clothes got dirty, would I say, "I'm too lazy to scrounge up some quarters so why don't you wear these ill-fitting clothes from Goodwill with holes in them?" No, I would not. If she had a day off, would I say, "I can't be bothered to find something good for you to do; why don't you just sit on the couch reading depressing internet articles all day?" No I would not. And if I were at a party, and she was tired and feeling uncomfortable and wanted to go home, would I say, "Stop being such an awkward loser, stay here and smile at people so they don't think you're rude?" No, I would not. A person I treated that way would be justified in wondering if she was my friend at all.

But, needless to say, I treat myself that way all the time. Once my friend has all her basic needs taken care of, sure, we can go for manicures and massages after. But that's not the point. The point is making sure she's fed and washed and clothed and comfortable; and I don't think I'm the only one who has a whole lot of trouble even getting to that point.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 1:27 PM on July 10, 2017 [148 favorites]

I started bullet journalling for 2017. I used to look at the layouts and think "who has *time* for that? seriously?".

But then I came down with my annual holiday plague, except this year, it was "ohgodican'tdoanything" for days, and setting up a bullet journal sounded about the speed of something I could handle.

My layouts aren't super pretty, and I'm definitely not posting any of them on instagram. Some weeks I'm definitely phoning it in.

But it's really fun to use different pens for each person on the schedule, and to actually sit down and look at my week, and be able to pull out a year that I can look at, or just the month, or the week, at any time, and not try to figure out on my iphone "what day was that appointment on?".

So I think my bullet journal might be my self care right now, and exploring the fun layouts. I've always loved office supplies and organization, though, so that might not work for everyone!

I do miss my monthly massage subscription, but I don't miss the bill so much!
posted by needlegrrl at 1:41 PM on July 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

And, anyone who does do the beautiful layouts? I envy you! and enjoy looking at the pretty pictures online.
posted by needlegrrl at 1:43 PM on July 10, 2017

Beer commercials that are all like "You're a tough guy with a tough job and at the end of a tough day you can drink one of these and feel better" — does that count as pitching the product as self-care?

I think so, although I also think that men are socialized to believe that the way to deal with negative emotions is to take them out through violence or aggression, be that on people or inanimate objects.

On the one hand, this can lead men to choose to commit crimes, act violently or aggressively towards others (particularly, but not exclusively, women and children), and could definitely be helped by having some more reflective self-care and more positive gender expectations for how men should deal with their emotions.

On the other hand, there are ways this gets funneled into other activities; I definitely think some of the appeal of sports and sports-watching are as ways of self-care, and ways of dealing with pent-up emotions without necessarily having to confront them directly. One definitely sees portrayals of atheletes using their frustrations as psychological fuel for their performance. I also think that this gets played into enthusiasm for vide games for similar reaons.

On the third hand (phew!), I think even those potentially positive forms of self care still tend towards the "kind" self-care discussed in the article, and not reflective. I don't think men are ever really encouraged to reflect on their emotions. As a man, it makes me sad to think that that statement is true.
posted by thegears at 1:43 PM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

I don't think men are ever really encouraged to reflect on their emotions.

Yup, this was my response to nebulawindphone's question too. Real Men don't need self care because Real Men just Deal With It.
posted by nickmark at 1:57 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Real Men also don't need self-care because women are supposed to take care of them.
posted by Autumnheart at 2:02 PM on July 10, 2017 [30 favorites]

Real Men also don't need self-care because women are supposed to take care of them.

OH SHIT RIGHT, yeah, definitely. And there's definitely a lot of men's ads with either the format "This will get single women to pay attention to you" or the format "This will get your wife to relax and put out have a fun meal/great vacation/happy night in on the deck you built/whatever with you," where either coolness or good-provider-ish-ness is sold as a kind of indirect self-care-by-proxy that makes room for women to be in your life and care for you in the ways you want.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:20 PM on July 10, 2017 [22 favorites]

Like, as if the world was full of ambient, autogenerated cheerful women who would flock on over to bring you drinks and listen to your jokes after a hard week, if only you would provide them with the correct landing site by building a deck and having a cookout on it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:29 PM on July 10, 2017 [28 favorites]

TBH if a man built a deck and cooked me a cookout for the express purpose of attracting me there, lured at a distance by the mouthwatering aroma of steaks on the barbie... that might work.
posted by tel3path at 3:57 PM on July 10, 2017 [18 favorites]

My self care includes things like alphabetizing records and a reading novels in the bathtub and sometimes turning down a road for no reason except to see where it goes. Also scotch. And cheese. I have no idea what you'd do with tea and empathy cards (Crazy 8s?), but massages are absolutely the fucking best. Like, I don't want to discourage people if anyone was all on the fence like, "Hey, I wonder if thivaia would be all offended if I tried to give her a fancy spa vacation or whatever for self-care." PLEASE NOTE: WILL NOT BE OFFENDED.

I don't love the using the term "self-care" for basically the good parts of living because it makes the awesome shit like sexy pirate novels and burritos and naps and shower beer and comfortable pants and hanging out with people you actually like sound about as appealing as getting a pap smear . But that ship has long since sailed.
posted by thivaia at 4:21 PM on July 10, 2017 [14 favorites]

Can attest to the fact that providing free delicious food and alcohol is a successful way to attract all sorts of folk.

We host an annual Game of Thrones premiere feast. This dish lives up to the hype. /derail
posted by booooooze at 4:49 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Can attest to the fact that providing free delicious food and alcohol is a successful way to attract all sorts of folk.
posted by booooooze at 4:49 PM on July 10 [+] [!]

Epynosteri... oh hell, just invite me over and give me a drink.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:32 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

And I wonder what there is that's marketed to men in an analogous way. Beer, maybe? Beer commercials that are all like "You're a tough guy with a tough job and at the end of a tough day you can drink one of these and feel better" — does that count as pitching the product as self-care?

Alcohol, sports, whatever, but the real answer to me is any of the highly involved Dude Hobbies?

Yup, this was my response to nebulawindphone's question too. Real Men don't need self care because Real Men just Deal With It.

A lot of the things that constitute "self-care" for women - particularly things that involve some kind of bodily/personal care - are things men aren't "supposed" to do or are supposed to have women do for them, sure. But if "you have a tough life, you deserve a chance to unwind" sort of stuff constitutes self-care I feel like there's a ton that's marketed mainly to men.
posted by atoxyl at 5:41 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Insightful article, thanks for posting. These excerpts from #4 in particular really resonated with me since I and many people I know have been socialized to be "problem fixers" instead of just listening and holding space for someone who needs support:

"There’s an epidemic of fixing in many interpersonal relationships. When one person seeks support from another, often the first thing they’re offered is unsolicited advice...It’s all about fixing rather than holding space...We’re taught that our value to others is in giving good advice – we’re not taught empathy. Advice can be valuable, but in my experience, what people most want from their interpersonal relationships is to be seen, to be heard, and to feel connected. Unsolicited advice does not accomplish any of those things and can work toward the contrary."
posted by jazzbaby at 6:23 PM on July 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Thanks for the post, OP! I heard a podcast with the maker of the Tea and Empathy cards and y'all can hate on them, fine by me. But as someone who feels as though I have about 5 feels (angry, sad, lonely, fear, pretty okay), I'm saving up for those cards because I really want a vocabulary for my feelings. I know that they are often complex and layered but I don't really have the words to identify them. And I think that would be a form of acceptable verbal pap-smear-like helpfulness. (Also, I just stopped chewing my nails a couple of months ago. I keep them short but they get ragged and start cracking/peeling anyway. Googling has not saved me. Feel free to PM me with your short-nail salvage tips!)
posted by Bella Donna at 6:24 PM on July 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

I don't want my self-care to double as 'shit I also do to be presentable/pretty'. It can combine feeling good and nice with those things, but I am tired of self-care being about presentability for women and that is where the mani-pedi nonsense comes in. It is not, in any way, a self-care strategy for me even though I do sometimes sit down and paint my nails because it is nice to do, or a whole dang set up to do my feet.

I think women get shafted with this highly consumerist, appearance and work-based version of self-care. So shoving all that away and instead actually doing the kinds of things that have lasting and useful effects makes a lot more sense than a weirdly confining layer of stuff on my nails that chips off in two days if I take care.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:31 PM on July 10, 2017 [15 favorites]

As a corollary to my snarktastic observation that Real Men get women to care for them, women get self-care marketed to them because the only way they're gonna GET that level of feel-good, affirming sort of care is if they do it themselves. Or maybe for each other, a la girl's night out/in.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:49 PM on July 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

One example for men's self-care that would also be a kind of direct opposite to painting nails is face shaving/beard maintenance. There's stuff like Harry's and Dollar Shave Club, and there's even a chain mall store called "The Art of Shaving" with a Barber Spa.

That stuff drives me nuts. Razors are less that ten bucks a dozen at the drugstore. Slap on some foam, stoke, stroke, stroke, rinse, go to work. It's just hygeine, not some magical ritual.
posted by jonmc at 7:36 PM on July 10, 2017

I also feel that, even those those cards are heavily promoted in that article and cost a lot, they are exactly what I need. My therapist has been working with me on all these things mentioned in the article. One of the things I have the most trouble with is actually knowing how I feel. It sounds super dumb, but like Bella Donna says above, I too have like 5 emotions I'm capable of saying with confidence that I feel. The rest? I always say I feel "weird" because I have no fucking clue what's going on with me. Anyway, my therapist did give me a sheet filled with over a hundred emotion words to help me fill my vocabulary better and help me to sort out how I'm feeling more readily, and I think I'm going to use that sheet to create my own "Tea and Empathy" cards out of notecards. I'm so glad for this article and the ideas its given me to continue to help myself. Thanks for posting hurdy gurdy girl!
posted by FireFountain at 8:36 PM on July 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

This is interesting, FireFountain and others. Does it help to identify your feelings? I mean, I mostly feel 'weird' or angry, but I assume underneath that I'm probably often feeling scared or lonely or whatever. Would it be different if I knew?

There's a bit of a contradiction in what she says since on one hand we're supposed to just sit with our feelings but on the other hand it's apparently not ok to just feel weird/angry/grumpy, you need to identify the right feeling...

(Meta-Reflecting on my feelings: Again, makes me angry. Dudes can just be terse jerks and junk-surf the net when they feel off but I'm supposed to sit down with a pack of empathy cards and analyze...Yeah the post is meant to address all genders, feminism blah blah, but i know who's gonna buy those empathy cards...not the men in my life.)
posted by The Toad at 10:52 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm a cis man and I love mani-pedis. Once in a while we'll do a "boys' night" and all get them. Sometimes we go with our spouses, sometimes they do a "girls' night" and do the same. It doesn't have to be a gendered thing. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone dote on you while you close your eyes and sip something fruity.

Just a little point of anacdata for the discussion.
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:57 PM on July 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

The Toad - it has been very helpful in my case. I feel things stronger than a lot of people (at least according to my doctors and therapists - I'm an extremely sensitive person), and when I feel bad, it just feels like overwhelming "badness" and sometimes that leads to bad places for me. But if I take a moment and sit and try to break it down, sometimes I'll discover the nuance, which can help me either, a) sit with those feelings and then try to move on or b) actually solve something that is solvable. Such as, maybe I'm initially experiencing what I think is just 'anger' but when I stop and look at my feelings sheet list, I realize that words like 'rejected', or 'hurt', or 'resentful' maybe feel correct. And then maybe I can do something about those things. Or at least communicate them better to people like my husband. I find it's most helpful for me when I'm feeling 'angry' because most of the time, I discover that the anger is like a box, and inside it are all the real feelings that would be helpful for me to know. The anger paints over all the other things I'm feeling, you know? It like, obscures the rest of it. If I take 10 seconds to try to stop the anger and discover what's going on with me, it can help me move on faster too. Sorry if that's rambly and confusing.
posted by FireFountain at 11:21 PM on July 10, 2017 [10 favorites]

It seems like the difference, unfortunately, is that the forms of self-care that do you the most long term good--understanding your own feelings, cultivating relationships with people who offer empathy etc--are also the ones that are the hardest work and that offer the fewest guarantees of immediate reward. Tea and empathy cards aside, you can't go out and quickly buy yourself some emotional self-regulation skills or an empathetic friend, the way you can buy yourself a mani-pedi or a box of chocolates. You have to work at it, often with the help of another person, and there's no guarantee it won't make you feel worse before you feel better.

If that's right, the best self-care is hard to do by yourself and is also not that relaxing in the short term. Meanwhile chocolate will not fix a lot in your life, probably, but at least it demands nothing from you except money and you aren't dependent on other people for it to work (provided you've given the chocolate-supplier money). You probably end up with a kind of recursive system, where you get some self-care type 2 to recover from the efforts of self-care type 1. And naturally self-care type 2 is more frequently promoted. It's a lot easier to market, for the same reason that wine is easier to sell than broccoli.
posted by Aravis76 at 12:24 AM on July 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

Phunniemee said everything I wanted to say about mani-pedis. I already feel guilty and conflicted enough about spending money on something as gendered and as essentially useless as mani-pedis, just because I really enjoy the experience and have naturally very scruffy hands and feet which benefit a lot from treatment, without a hostile article header telling me that I am doing self-care wrong.

For me, though, the best self-care is a shower before bed. It helps me sleep, makes me feel squeaky clean, and relaxes my muscles. And it doesn't take too long and is not wasteful of water or products the way one might feel a bath would be. So if you're like me, i.e. the type to feel guilty about unnecessary expenditure of time or money (see my feelings about manicures/pedicures above), a shower is not going to trigger those feelings.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:50 AM on July 11, 2017

Mod note: Further derail deleted. This isn't a post to argue whether feminism is even a thing, and feminists use the F-word too much, use "I" too much, but also use "we" too much, and feminists are just basically wrong about everything, etc. etc.
posted by taz (staff) at 2:56 AM on July 11, 2017 [14 favorites]

Thanks, FireFountain. That makes total sense. I know the 'feeling too much' problem. It was a revelation to me that not everyone feels this way.
posted by The Toad at 3:57 AM on July 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

That stuff drives me nuts. Razors are less that ten bucks a dozen at the drugstore. Slap on some foam, stoke, stroke, stroke, rinse, go to work. It's just hygeine, not some magical ritual.

I mean, as a woman this is kind of how I feel about shampoo — like "yeah okay you put it on top of your head and splortch it around, this is a big deal why?"

(Whereas the couple of times I've gotten an old-fashioned barbershop hot-towel-and-straight-razor shave from someone who knew what he was doing? Yeah, no, total magical ritual. If I had loads more free time and just a hair less skittishness about making my blood stay inside my skin, and if the whole hobby was a bit less of a boys' club, I would absolutely learn to do my face that way every morning.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:59 AM on July 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm trying to learn self-care and it's hard because I have some people saying "you need to learn to manage your own emotions and not unload them on other people" and other people saying "you need to open up about your emotions instead of keeping it bottled up"

Not complaining or anything. Just sharing that this is the current challenge I'm growing through. I know I'll figure it out, I think.
posted by rebent at 7:29 AM on July 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

I identified with it because I am sick to death of women's magazines and the like suggesting giving myself a pedicure to relax. It takes a huge amount of time and effort and I get tired of scrunching over. It is not relaxing for me.
posted by agregoli at 7:53 AM on July 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

Although I love feeling a little fancy, I was never super comfortable about having mani-pedi's done. The constant upkeep turns into another chore that I need to get done rather than a treat. Now I won't do them at all.

I struggle to find a satisfying act of self-care. My most luxurious self-care would be to check into a hotel and go sleep, without the constant din of "mom! mom! mom!" (love them as I do) or *crash* "MOM!". Or the constant picking up, finding of things, listening to rambling stories, making of food, or, as in the case this past weekend, surrendering my naptime to go clean paint off the patio which was deposited, Jackson Pollock-like, ALL OVER THE PATIO in 90 degree heat in an attempt to "make it look pretty, except now I'm afraid you won't like it". Soft sheets and quiet. But that's super expensive and that makes me feel guilty and leaving my (very capable and supportive) husband makes me feel guilty and... I just never go do it.

Maybe I should get a hammock.
posted by vignettist at 8:03 AM on July 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

FWIW, I have the cards and they have been super helpful for me. Like FireFountain mentioned about the giant feelings list, they are useful for helping narrow down what specific emotions you are feeling, especially when you are having several at once. You can then sort of organize them and step through each asking yourself why you feel this one in particular. You also start to see relatedness between certain emotions and meta-emotions (how you feel about how you feel) that can allow you to drop the meta and get to the real feelings.

If you don't want to spend 40 bucks on pre-made cards, you can make your own with notecards and an emotions list from the internet, but they can be a useful tool for some people.

(For transparency, I first saw Kate McCombs on the Explore More Summit where I also first saw Meg-John Barker, also mentioned in the article. Both talks were excellent and pretty mind opening, so you add the efficacy of and my satisfaction with the cards and I am probably now qualified for the Kate McCombs fan club.)
posted by jopreacher at 9:47 AM on July 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

My self-care strategy is not reading white print on a black background.
posted by serena15221 at 1:09 PM on July 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

I don't want my self-care to double as 'shit I also do to be presentable/pretty'. It can combine feeling good and nice with those things, but I am tired of self-care being about presentability for women and that is where the mani-pedi nonsense comes in

the reason manicures being marketed as feminine and to women strikes me as evil more than boring is not because I mind wasting time on becoming excessively gorgeous (I do not mind that) but because anything that physically prevents you from reading a book or playing an instrument for the duration of the activity is self-punishment, not self-pleasure. manicures are like cones of shame but for humans. somebody may someday have to forcibly restrain and shellac my hands to keep me from getting carpal tunnel or page-turner's thumb or what have you, but I will be damned if I do it to myself.

(liking it for its own sake or for the look is a very different thing from selling the inability to do anything with your human hands while in process as a positive side effect. that is nightmare city.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:28 PM on July 11, 2017

After reading the article, that doesn't strike me as feminist self-care per se, but rather good for everyone.

If it's good for everyone, then it's intersectionally feminist!
posted by spindrifter at 9:36 AM on July 12, 2017