The One Where Rachel Killed Everybody
July 20, 2017 6:45 PM   Subscribe

 
The real Friends is the friends we made along the way

Hah! Love this. Thanks for posting - it made me smile.
posted by FireFountain at 6:54 PM on July 20 [1 favorite]


If you zoom all the way into her eyes, you'll see they are actually snow globes.
posted by gwint at 7:05 PM on July 20 [38 favorites]


In the next season she'll wake up at the desk of a B&B in Vermont.
posted by ocschwar at 7:10 PM on July 20 [39 favorites]


This is bullsh. If any of the Friends was woke it was obviously Phoebe.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:20 PM on July 20 [17 favorites]


Isn't this how you're supposed to be able to tell that Paul Is Dead?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:20 PM on July 20 [1 favorite]


Phoebe's the killer, and didn't close Rachel's eyes before taking that picture as a misdirect. Brilliant woman, remember the whole fallback "twin" identity?
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:23 PM on July 20 [8 favorites]


So the entire show was the stories she made up in her imagination as she posed the corpses around the apartments where she murdered those people? Makes sense.
posted by The World Famous at 7:23 PM on July 20 [11 favorites]


I prefer Morbo from Futurama's hot take: "As the largest Friend, Ross easily could have eaten all the others."
posted by jonp72 at 7:42 PM on July 20 [41 favorites]


Is it possible that there's a hidden meaning behind this highly staged DVD cover photo

Yeah: Aniston is the only one directly engaging the camera because come Hell or high water she wasn't gonna waste a single opportunity to push like mad for a post-Friends career.

Not that it helped much.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:55 PM on July 20 [1 favorite]


She's also the only one naked and in a sheet/shroud, so maybe it's the afterlife and she's the dead one.

I would watch that season.
posted by mochapickle at 8:00 PM on July 20 [7 favorites]


The One Where Everyone Died After the Orgy Except Rachel
posted by Emmy Rae at 8:03 PM on July 20 [11 favorites]


The One Where Everyone Died After the Orgy Except Rachel

Awkward!
posted by The World Famous at 8:04 PM on July 20 [7 favorites]


Rachel can't sleep because she knows the Great Harvest is coming.
posted by Cash4Lead at 8:09 PM on July 20 [9 favorites]


This is bullsh. If any of the Friends was woke it was obviously Phoebe.

There is no Phoebe - only URSULA.
posted by Guy Smiley at 8:26 PM on July 20 [10 favorites]


Yes Rachel, yes... you left the stove on.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:52 PM on July 20 [2 favorites]


If you play a "Friends" episode backward you hear Rachel's voice saying, "Turn me on, dead man."

Seriously, I laughed at the tweets, but it *is* kind of creepy. You'd think a certain effort would go into selecting the art, so WHY DID THEY CHOOSE THIS?!
posted by NorthernLite at 8:53 PM on July 20



I prefer Morbo from Futurama's hot take:


It was Lrrrrr. Morbo was less likely to consider humans as food.
posted by All Out of Lulz at 9:14 PM on July 20 [9 favorites]


Not that it helped much.

Jennifer Aniston is literally one of the highest-paid actors in the world
posted by wreckingball at 9:23 PM on July 20 [23 favorites]


Why do I NEVER think to post this stuff when I find it?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
posted by Samizdata at 9:33 PM on July 20 [3 favorites]


You're all overthinking this. The obvious truth is that Rachel doesn't have eyelids.
posted by um at 9:37 PM on July 20 [13 favorites]


Although with the advent of 4K TV you can now identify the membrane that slowly covers over her eyes every few minutes. Also that her eyes, every so slightly, move disconjugately from each other as she scans 360 degrees looking for prey.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:56 PM on July 20 [16 favorites]


The series changed a lot after The One Where They Went To Innsmouth.
posted by um at 10:08 PM on July 20 [19 favorites]


I prefer Morbo from Futurama's hot take:

It was Lrrrrr.


Both voiced by Maurice LaMarche, so...ehh
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:56 PM on July 20 [3 favorites]


Why is that cover shot spoofing a Kanye video?
posted by seawallrunner at 11:46 PM on July 20


Ted. Get out and take a walk mate.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 12:18 AM on July 21


There's a more full-length photo of this pose that can be seen here. Rachel is not naked nor in a shroud.

I suppose one could read a lot into the various arm positions and who is being held by who. Or something.
posted by hippybear at 2:57 AM on July 21


One could, if one was mad.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 3:12 AM on July 21 [2 favorites]


Thanks for providing my New Word of the Day, Slarty.
posted by Segundus at 3:27 AM on July 21


Surprised that the prominent absence of the Twin Towers from that skyline shot (which were extant during most of the show's run) didn't figure in to any of the theories.
posted by saladin at 4:06 AM on July 21


Jennifer Aniston is literally one of the highest-paid actors in the world

The link hippybear provides has every description which mentions performers begin with, "Starring Jennifer Aniston"... save one which begins,"Starring Christina Pickles." A curious choice of focus, as her Judy Geller (mother to Monica and Ross) appears in a supporting role in 8% of the episodes. What we can glean from this is that Ms. Pickles' publicist is still out there working away.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:31 AM on July 21


I think it's fairly obvious that Rachel was sleeping in bed (under the covers) when her friends all snuck in and fell asleep on her bed on top of the sheets. See hippybear's photos for confirmation. Rachel then woke up and needed to urinate. Trapped under the sheets, she has obviously soiled herself, and is unsure of how to extricate herself without waking anyone up.
posted by blue_beetle at 5:51 AM on July 21 [10 favorites]


A damn fine cup of coffee at Central Perk.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 6:53 AM on July 21 [3 favorites]


I'm impressed they also captured the essence of Fuckboy Ross - the only one lightly fondling his friend's hand while pretending he's asleep. Because OF COURSE he is.

I started watching Friends again recently as my "something that's on while I work" show and Ross' character's toxic masculinity masquerading as the "nice guy" in 2017 is jarring. I can't believe people used to cheer for him to get the girl - he is fucking AWFUL to every one of his girlfriends and wives and should've died alone in a t-rex skeleton accident.
posted by notorious medium at 7:04 AM on July 21 [36 favorites]


notorious medium I have been doing the same with the same response! I skip the episodes where Ross and Rachel are together a lot because he annoys me so much. Despite him, I enjoy watching it to avoid thinking about real life.

If you want to read someone's funny Ross hatewatch take there are a few pieces at Shakesville: http://www.shakesville.com/search?q=Friends+Ross
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:09 AM on July 21 [3 favorites]


he is fucking AWFUL to every one of his girlfriends and wives and should've died alone in a t-rex skeleton accident.
posted by notorious medium at 10:04 AM on July 21


Yes, and he was supposed to be the 'nice' guy we liked out of the bunch... This is why I have always hated Friends... Not one of these poeple was someone worth emulating - only examining from the perspective of wishing a tractor trailer lost its breaks, went careening through downtown manhattan, and killed all 6 of them while they sipped their perfect cups of coffee...

Wow... I need to cut back on my caffeine intake today apparently...

Edit: There is a big difference between hating friends and hating Friends.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:16 AM on July 21 [4 favorites]


I skip the episodes where Ross and Rachel are together a lot because he annoys me so much.

The thing is, it's not just Rachel. He refuses to believe Carol is actually a lesbian and actively tries to engage her sexually at the beginning. He cheats on Julie with Rachel. He cheats on Rachel with that random girl. He goes to the cottage with the friend of Phoebe's and, when she's bald, cheats on her with Rachel.

He says the wrong name at the altar with Emily and then tries to go on his honeymoon with Rachel and somehow positions himself as the victim of her unreasonable demands. He dates his student and gets ultra stalker-y and possessive - a trait of jealousy and possessiveness that flows throughout the show despite the fact he's the serial philanderer.

Dude's a straight up predator, and it shocks me that I didn't notice it 15 years ago...which is probably why my reaction is so visceral. Perhaps a testament to how over a decade of reading Metafilter really has opened my eyes to the world as it actually is.
posted by notorious medium at 7:39 AM on July 21 [48 favorites]


Ross is usually the first victim of The Mefi Awakening.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 7:43 AM on July 21 [20 favorites]


The thing is, it's not just Rachel.

Totally agree. It's just that when they are officially a couple, the writing is like "wow we all get to watch this love story unfold before our eyes, how lucky" whereas all the other shit the Friends are less invested and it's just some happening in Ross' life getting in the way of him and Rachel. They don't sell it so hard.

It's always nice to find more people who think Ross is a creep. I wonder what the actors think now. If they consider Ross a good guy or not.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:50 AM on July 21 [1 favorite]


Joey and Phoebe were my favorite Friends, because they genuinely made me laugh. But a reconsideration of the characters makes me realize they were the only ones who had any real hardship or struggle in their lives. I'm sort of surprised they put up with the others' whining.
posted by Cranialtorque at 7:57 AM on July 21 [11 favorites]


I don't know what it says about the times we live in that I was *so relieved* that this turned out to be something people were just making lighthearted jokes about instead of "proof" that Jennifer Aniston died and was replaced by a clone or that a secret cabal of fashion designers run the world or whatever.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:20 AM on July 21 [1 favorite]


Cranialtorque, I would consider Monica's parents' treatment of her a hardship in her life. But otherwise, yeah. Although Chandler didn't spend that much time feeling sorry for himself compared to the rest of the crowd. And then it was only to make sarcastic comments about his dad.
posted by Emmy Rae at 8:44 AM on July 21 [2 favorites]


But a reconsideration of the characters makes me realize they were the only ones who had any real hardship or struggle in their lives.

Great point! I find it very interesting that the focus is often on how down-on-his-luck Chandler* is, to the point where he had to repeatedly ruin Thanksgivings because once his parents got a divorce and that was sad. Meanwhile, listening is formerly homeless Phoebe who barely makes a peep about the whole host of shit she has gone through.

* Also - I don't know who in wardrobe Matthew Perry offended, but seasons 1 -3 his clothing are actually physically hard to process. I get that fashion changes, but Chandler Bing might be the worst dressed character of all time.
posted by notorious medium at 8:49 AM on July 21 [3 favorites]


He cheats on Rachel with that random girl.

Oh, come on—I barely watched the show (2 kids and full-time job kept me busy when the show was running) and even I know they were on a break.
posted by she's not there at 9:11 AM on July 21 [13 favorites]


I think there were a couple jokes where Phoebe wasn't having anyone else's bullshit, now that I think about it. I particularly remember her saying "oh, here come the waterworks" to Rachel and it being very funny.

I think Chandler's wardrobe was supposed to look dorky at the time. Adding early 90's fashion with all its bagginess and pleats and weird patterns, his outfits look kind of completely insane now.
posted by Cranialtorque at 9:11 AM on July 21


Rachel is the first to realize that their lives in New York were an illusion created by a temporary afterlife, and their real lives were on that mysterious island their plane crashed on. Now she needs to awaken the others to this so they can move on to their true afterlife.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:46 AM on July 21 [3 favorites]


She is...the central perk.
posted by amanda at 10:04 AM on July 21 [4 favorites]


Monica's the real killer. This (actually good, I promise) is my favorite poem about her.
posted by invitapriore at 10:57 AM on July 21 [5 favorites]


If we're going to shit on characters from Friends that hindsight reveals as terrible, can we also take a minute to acknowledge that Chandler is the quintessential 90's douchebag whose life would be 40% better immediately if he could only extract himself from the hard shell of irony and sarcasm in which he has chosen to live?

Could he be any more of a jackass?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:20 AM on July 21 [4 favorites]


Chandler would have been well served to take up a career in stand-up, where he started off doing his irony/sarcasm bit but then during his time at open mikes realized that he would be better served by learning how to do modern confessional stand-up which would serve as therapy for his damaged soul and he'd end up after several years becoming successful and a lot more healthy emotionally.

Actually, I just came up with a 5-season television series and now I need to pitch it to HBO. BRB.
posted by hippybear at 12:38 PM on July 21 [9 favorites]


There is some dangerous Morbo apologism in this thread he will destroy us all
posted by bleep at 1:33 PM on July 21


If we're going to shit on characters from Friends that hindsight reveals as terrible

For me the Ross hate isn't in hindsight, I always found him to be terrible. Sniveling, whiny, needy, guilt-tripping, possessive, controlling. Yuck.
posted by JenMarie at 1:40 PM on July 21 [5 favorites]


But a reconsideration of the characters makes me realize they were the only ones who had any real hardship or struggle in their lives.

Monica was obese in high school, and a few episodes deal with that.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:45 PM on July 21


hippybear That's the real alternate history we need HBO exploring!
posted by Emmy Rae at 1:52 PM on July 21


"I told you not to steal from the crippled children's jar, Peter."
posted by 4ster at 2:59 PM on July 21


Did I mention how much I hate the fucking monkey?

My wife claims the monkey is only in like 6 episodes but apparently they are the same six episodes always on TV forever.

Ross is already insufferable, then add a tedious monkey McGuffin for him to mope over and I cannot even.
posted by lubujackson at 3:19 PM on July 21 [3 favorites]


Wait, we weren't supposed to hate Ross?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:17 PM on July 21 [3 favorites]


Ross' ignoramus toxic masculinity and Rachel's inability to commit to a relationship (which is established literally in the first episode) are supposed to be the "awww, will they or won't they" core of Friends, with Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe all providing context and comic relief around their bumbling.

I agree that a series that focussed on Joey and Phoebe would have been more interesting. And I've watched the entire run of Friends twice. Once in first run, and once on evening cable 3-hour blocks.
posted by hippybear at 8:16 PM on July 21


I've read that the show was originally called "Ross and Rachel". So yeah, they were all in on the love story of those two.
posted by Emmy Rae at 8:43 PM on July 21


Rachel's inability to commit to a relationship (which is established literally in the first episode

You mean being a runaway bride? She didn't have commitment issues, she found out Barry was cheating on her. I think she also cuts up daddy's credit cards in the first episode?
posted by Room 641-A at 8:52 PM on July 21 [1 favorite]


I've read that the show was originally called "Ross and Rachel".

I've read that the show was originally called "These Friends of Mine" and was intended as a starring vehicle for Courteney Cox, before it was retooled as an ensemble show.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:41 PM on July 21


Ops, I had that backwards, she finds out Barry cheated on her afterwards. But I think the reason she left was was Barry, not the commitment itself.
posted by Room 641-A at 9:51 PM on July 21


I just imagined a version of the theme song that is just increasingly hysterical repetition of the first line
posted by Sebmojo at 1:43 AM on July 22 [6 favorites]


Rachel + Joey = 4ever
posted by jillithd at 12:16 PM on July 22


Iris Gambol: "I've read that the show was originally called "These Friends of Mine" and was intended as a starring vehicle for Courteney Cox, before it was retooled as an ensemble show."

Which was the original name of Ellen.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:47 PM on July 22


Wait, we weren't supposed to hate Ross?

Yeah I always assumed Ross was a Seinfeld-style character you were actively supposed to dislike. David Schwimmer the actual person also seemed terrible in interviews as well.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:33 AM on July 24


douchebag whose life would be 40% better immediately if he could only extract himself from the hard shell of irony and sarcasm in which he has chosen to live

i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now
posted by btfreek at 11:27 AM on July 24


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