Help me get the mysterious library to my sister
August 4, 2017 6:21 AM   Subscribe

 
By MeFi's Own Dan Hon
posted by Monochrome at 6:24 AM on August 4 [3 favorites]


Great. Fucking great. He's automated the Metafilter: [Quote] joke.

I told you AI was coming for all of us. You were all like, oh no, it's just agricultural and factory jobs. We're creatives. We're special snowflakes. No machine can do what we do. Guess you were wrong, huh?

What the hell are we supposed to do now? Paint rocks and leave them in the street for people to find? They'll just make robots to paint the rocks, robots to find them, robots, robots, robots. We're screwed.
posted by Naberius at 6:25 AM on August 4 [26 favorites]


well, now lets work on the answering of ask questions. I expect 90% of the answers to be DTMFA.
posted by k5.user at 6:27 AM on August 4 [10 favorites]


This. Is. Everything.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:29 AM on August 4


Geez, how DO I get my own sexual snacks? HOW?
posted by JanetLand at 6:30 AM on August 4 [7 favorites]


[asking for a friend]
posted by JanetLand at 6:31 AM on August 4 [9 favorites]


Am I a Dog?

On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog. Not even you.
posted by corvine at 6:36 AM on August 4 [10 favorites]


What is a house?
What should I do in a house?
Help me find a house with emotions?
My time to be a house?
“I want to be a house, please.”
I feel like a house
How to get over a problem with the House
How can I stop being a better house?


This really took me on a journey, I'll tell you what!
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:39 AM on August 4 [16 favorites]


I expect 90% of the answers to be DTMFA.

No, it's half DTMFA and half "yes, you can eat that."
posted by madcaptenor at 6:39 AM on August 4 [21 favorites]


Stuck in an adult television stand in the middle of the Paris

Aren't we all, Metafilter Neural Net, aren't we all....
posted by Quindar Beep at 6:52 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


"What do I do with my shower."
First you face the showerhead....
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 6:58 AM on August 4 [6 favorites]


"Here's a bunch of shyness."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:01 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


How can I make a professional husband from my cats?

I think the neural net has asked the most important question of all.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 7:02 AM on August 4 [55 favorites]


How do I get rid of my job at my social networking site?

Matt? Is that you?
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:03 AM on August 4 [51 favorites]


If we don't find plausible ways to post and ask at least 10% of these next April Fool's Day, we may as well all quit this place and go home.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:10 AM on August 4 [9 favorites]


Flagged as chatfilter
posted by Tabitha Someday at 7:12 AM on August 4


The case of the disappearing conversation in the New York City

Seems totally legit. I'd read that article.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:15 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


“What to do about “”work”” and a “”feminist”” and “”disaster”””

All of my 20s
posted by FirstMateKate at 7:16 AM on August 4 [20 favorites]


How can I make a professional husband from my cats?

If I had a nickel...
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:16 AM on August 4 [6 favorites]


Metafilter: How can I stop worrying about our feelings?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:17 AM on August 4 [5 favorites]


I expect 90% of the answers to be DTMFA.

First, be DTMFA from the very beginning.
posted by Cash4Lead at 7:18 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: More sexual abuse and personal gift ideas wanted.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:18 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


Whatever happens, for the love of cake, just don't let it have access to the POTUS45 thread posts.

The horror...
posted by darkstar at 7:19 AM on August 4 [4 favorites]


“Oh no! That’s all in my boyfriend. “

This is the title of a movie that needs to be made right now.
posted by rocket88 at 7:20 AM on August 4 [4 favorites]


A long-term relationship with your feet is probably something you'll be thankful for when you're old.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:20 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]


What does it mean to be a little bird?
posted by defenestration at 7:21 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


I would like to see this where the input was only unresolved questions.
posted by hawthorne at 7:22 AM on August 4 [4 favorites]


How to become a better cat for the best internet?

Obviously this will be Johnny Wallflower's April Fools day assignment.
posted by telepanda at 7:22 AM on August 4 [11 favorites]


Literally can't believe that "Here’s a bunch of shyness" isn't already an AskMe question

(psst Cortex this guy's coming for yr gig)
posted by en forme de poire at 7:24 AM on August 4 [3 favorites]


pfft i barely post on Ask to begin with
posted by cortex at 7:25 AM on August 4 [3 favorites]


Great. Fucking great. He's automated the Metafilter: [Quote] joke.

There was an automated generator using a Markov Chain for a while. It was well hidden, and went down several years ago, but it drew data from the datadump.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 7:25 AM on August 4


All I noticed was a disconcerting lack of beans and plates.
posted by zakur at 7:26 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


My computer is too much

The truest words ever generated
posted by BungaDunga at 7:37 AM on August 4 [3 favorites]


This is delightful.
posted by muchomas at 7:45 AM on August 4


"Am I being a lawyer?" is a question I have asked myself many times, basically since the day I graduated law school.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:49 AM on August 4 [28 favorites]


I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
Triangle Browser for my cat
posted by Quindar Beep at 7:53 AM on August 4 [14 favorites]


I don’t want to look at my childhood
posted by Floydd at 7:55 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Sorry for the crappy monkey.

A Performance is not a relationship Whoa!
posted by Oyéah at 8:01 AM on August 4 [7 favorites]


Help me fix my therapist.

I love this AI.
posted by rtha at 8:03 AM on August 4 [6 favorites]


Dear robots: you cannot eat that.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:03 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]


Also, this came up on MetaTalk previously, so I'm glad to see it on the blue, but sad that Dan did not include my favorite AI-generated Ask in the Medium article:

Cat Time Management self control disability

The neural network's got us dead to rights, you guys.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:15 AM on August 4 [11 favorites]


From the article:
Over time, other well-known community question/answer sites popped up: Yahoo! Answers, launched in 2005 and famous for “how is babby formed”, and Quora, launched in 2010, that latter of which is, shall we say, a bit like the LinkedIn of question and answer sites.
Calling something the "LinkedIn of X" is a pretty sweet burn. Stings, not too much, but just enough.
posted by mhum at 8:17 AM on August 4 [13 favorites]


Also, "A Performance is not a relationship" is definitely an answer looking for a question.
posted by mhum at 8:25 AM on August 4 [5 favorites]


Oh god, I'm reading this while going through airport security and laugh-crying, and I'm pretty sure it's about to get me flagged as suspicious
posted by lollusc at 8:27 AM on August 4 [3 favorites]


> Do I have to have my dog be so hard?

...There are plenty of pet retraining facilities, though they can be expensive and take a little time. Just because your dog is a Rottweiler, does not mean they have to be an aggressive attack dog - they can (as you know) be very loving dogs...

> How to find a dead builder

...Gravestones can be hard to locate - especially for someone who worked at a manual labour job in the 18th century. Check with the local parish churches, who should have records of those buried in their graveyards...

> How can I make my email socialist?

...Bernie? Is that you?...

---
Actually, are we sure that these aren't just randomly selected Ask Mefi questions? I'm sure I've seen "Here’s a bunch of shyness." a million times.
posted by BigCalm at 8:34 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


Artificial bean plating. Hope me.
posted by runcifex at 8:40 AM on August 4


Metafilter: [asking for a friend]
posted by DigDoug at 8:50 AM on August 4


No, it's half DTMFA and half "yes, you can eat that."

Eventually, these will synergize into ETMFA (Eat The MF Already). Like what Ross should have done with the other five friends.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 9:03 AM on August 4 [9 favorites]


Fantastic!!!
posted by natasha_k at 9:08 AM on August 4


Eventually, these will synergize into ETMFA (Eat The MF Already).

That would be one way to get the sexual snacks . . . .
posted by JanetLand at 9:09 AM on August 4 [7 favorites]


"How to become a better cat for the best internet?"

I could almost ask this one, since I've got a cat who enjoys unplugging the router.
posted by one for the books at 9:35 AM on August 4 [4 favorites]


Oddly, it's still asking if it should anonymously buy a woman a banjo.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:40 AM on August 4 [6 favorites]



Oh god, I'm reading this while going through airport security and laugh-crying, and I'm pretty sure it's about to get me flagged as suspicious.


Remember to frame your askme in the form of a question.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:42 AM on August 4 [2 favorites]


The Twitter story. Look at the Ask titles in the story - not the highlighted ones; there are some gems in there. Such as:
"A man for my face again?"
"Help me get a personal tongue?"
"What is the best electric trap in the UK?"
"How can I stop being pretty in my computer?"

...and those 4 are just from a single screenshot alone! I am kinda dying here. I think his neural network is trying to find a date?
posted by caution live frogs at 9:45 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]


I'm wondering why it was so hard to track down a vaguely remembered page sorry.metafilter.com. Are the AI's covering their tracks?
posted by dylanjames at 9:49 AM on August 4


There was an automated generator using a Markov Chain for a while. It was well hidden, and went down several years ago, but it drew data from the datadump.

By y6y6y6, right? I remember once it generated the great line "I'm only hoping you'll hate me so much you lie awake in bed and masturbate".

(Or maybe it generated that quote for y6y6y6 and it was by someone else?)
posted by kenko at 10:09 AM on August 4


No, it's half DTMFA and half "yes, you can eat that."

It needs to be at least 10% "you need to see a therapist".
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 10:28 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]


It needs to be at least 10% "you need to see a therapist".

So there's some overlap between DTMFA and "you can eat that" - sometimes the MF you're dumping is that food that's been in your fridge forever. That frees up some room for "see a therapist".
posted by madcaptenor at 10:56 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]


I found this, which features the comment you are talking about.

I found this, which I thought had disappeared forever.

I swear there was one that just came up with "MetaFilter:" taglines. Maybe that was someone that was extracting them from posts through the infodump now that I think of it.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 12:13 PM on August 4 [1 favorite]


Geez, how DO I get my own sexual snacks?

I bet they're fucking tasty
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:45 PM on August 4 [3 favorites]


How do I get a professional long distance company for my kitten?

I recommend T-Meowbile.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:52 PM on August 4 [3 favorites]


I would like to claim Here’s a bunch of shyness as the title to my autobiography, which I will probably never write. At least not until I figure out what I should do with my dreams ... It will include a chapter titled: A Performance is not a relationship a theory I intend to dispute. Utterly delightful post! Thank you Monochrome and dan hon!
posted by pjsky at 1:12 PM on August 4


"Help me get the mysterious library to my sister" is a terrific plot seed for a slightly fantastical YA novel.
posted by Orlop at 1:36 PM on August 4 [2 favorites]


A lot of them would be great writing prompts.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 1:46 PM on August 4 [2 favorites]


I know what you're all thinking: "Now that cortex owns MeFi, next year's April Fools is assuredly going to be AI or Markov chain driven." But let me remind you that they already ran a campaign of fake questions, and it'd be too gauche to repeat that.

But that doesn't mean the green is safe! Instead I suspect they'll train it on answers. And not just any answers. In order to capitalize on Ask's reputation for fast answers, they'll limit the training dataset to first answers. Sadly, I can't predict how it'll pan out. Maybe they'll leave Answerbot on and request a tip every time it's marked as best answer. More likely, it'll be so annoying they'll turn it on only during fundraising campaigns until goals are met.

Fortunately, heros -- heros like Dan Hon -- have stepped up to counter the answerbot hivemind with artillery of their own. Wish them well, for they have only 8 months to train until the fated day.
posted by pwnguin at 2:51 PM on August 4 [1 favorite]


I am glad people found this funny! I had a look in the MetaTalk thread and I've added some favorites other people found into the Medium post.
posted by danhon at 3:06 PM on August 4 [5 favorites]


I started laughing at "I am library" and was crying by "How do I stop being dead for my dog?"

Can I replace a bad man’s song?

Spotify, delete Kid Rock.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:10 PM on August 4 [5 favorites]


A man for my face again?

Yes, please.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:11 PM on August 4 [2 favorites]


What is the best way to get a bang for a friend?

Oh christ, I'm going to lose my job I'm laughing and crying so loud.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:13 PM on August 4 [3 favorites]


My favourites (From here and the Twitter threads):

How do I be too much
How can I fix a book existing? (This should be the title of a novel)
I need to be cold, but where can I deal?
How do I stop this male?
The cat.
Spirits. Dinner??
How to remove the USB kittens?? (Give them to meeee)
Where to buy a poem.
Surreal blog pickup songs (ahem cortex)
A Google Talent Sunset (the fall of Silicon Valley)
What are the artists that really complete my parents?
How do I sell myself again?
How do I deal with a fun brain?
Podcast Users To Do In San Francisco? (dating app idea)
Can you help me get over a bad man? (the aftermath of DTMFA)
Why did my friend get a dog?
How to catch the doctor to stop the world? (Did a Dalek write this?)
How to sell a visa for a roommate.
A man for my face again.
How to silence my short story.
How do I stop getting a child? (birth control baaaabyyy)
What is the best way to get started with a ""party"" of my brain?
What is this weird friend?
How can I fix this man? (DTMFA)
How do I get over my wife's minister?
Should I buy a stress of designers? (that's what I'm calling them from now on)
When should I be complicated?
Bathroom Party Lovers
What to do about ""work"" and a ""feminist"" and ""disaster"" (me)
How to reduce sexual history of loneliness? (also me)
Fictional travel question
“The lady is a joy, but I can’t stand him anymore.”
How does one become a book on the internet?
Any Cat Writers and Live Sound translation
I am library, how do I do?
How do I turn my home to my feelings?
What should I buy an assisting boy (Fetlife.)
How do I get a career and sales and my boyfriend?
posted by divabat at 4:38 PM on August 4 [4 favorites]


Does anyone know of any project that takes the corpus of all the 'used machine learning on $CORPUS to generate new $ITEMS' projects and generates new machine learning project titles?

And then the project that implements them?
posted by Dr. Curare at 6:08 PM on August 4 [1 favorite]


Help me plan my deaths in New York?

First, be smart from the very beginning...
posted by phoenixy at 10:10 PM on August 4 [3 favorites]


Does anyone know of any project that takes the corpus of all the 'used machine learning on $CORPUS to generate new $ITEMS' projects and generates new machine learning project titles?

And then the project that implements them?


Markovception? WHAUUUUUUUUUUUUM!
posted by Samizdata at 12:26 AM on August 5


I'm dying. This is good.
posted by rustcellar at 6:35 AM on August 5


My family is staring at me, I'm laughing so hard.

Some that aren't in the form of a question would be good titles on The Blue. I want to follow the links.
posted by lhauser at 8:05 PM on August 5


look i got all these giant books

i have this blue pinstripe suit. and a charcoal one. and another one.

i have two phones and one keeps buzzing i can't make it stop

i keep going to the big glass building

a man shouted at me a lot and I stay here like 80 hours a week

i did all this cocaine

am i being a lawyer?

i need to know

am i?

AM I?

ANSWER ME
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:39 AM on August 6 [5 favorites]


« Older If lightning is the anger of the gods, they care...   |   The Soccer Academies Preparing African Children... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments