WHY?

August 6, 2017 4:06 AM

Meet SMALT - the World's First Interactive Centerpiece and Smart Salt Dispenser (SLYT)
posted by mathiu (61 comments total)

What is my purpose?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:14 AM on August 6, 2017 [14 favorites]

Belongs here.
posted by cyclotronboy at 4:18 AM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

SMALT = Smug Salt?

also, do they make a kosher version for Hasidic Jews who can't grind fresh salt on the Sabbath, called Schmaltz?

also, now I can finally do my all-slug reboot of the Day the Earth Stood Still.
posted by es_de_bah at 4:31 AM on August 6, 2017 [5 favorites]

I saw this the other day and a few hours later realized that "SMALT" was a portmanteau of "smart" and "salt" and immediately started laughing, because it hasn't occurred to me at the time that that's what the name was supposed to be, because I was distracted by all the other bizarre.

I mean, it doesn't even grind salt. You need to give it pre-ground salt. The one thing you'd expect it to do, it doesn't do.
posted by phooky at 4:40 AM on August 6, 2017 [6 favorites]

I don't need this, but why does it make me angry that other people might buy this?
posted by pashdown at 4:40 AM on August 6, 2017 [16 favorites]

Ooh! This solves a real world problem that I have! Goes great with my internet enabled egg tray.
posted by fzx101 at 4:49 AM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Wait.
That was for real?

...


just...kill me now. It's gone too far
posted by Thorzdad at 5:06 AM on August 6, 2017 [13 favorites]

This is either a really brilliant parody video (the casting! the music!) or a performance art piece, right? I mean, no one would actually take this seriously? Please?
posted by Dean358 at 5:08 AM on August 6, 2017 [5 favorites]

Looked into it, but the indiegogo campaign page has a total deal breaker:

Q: Can I put pepper in SMALT?

A: No, because SMALT is only designed to measure, track, and control salt.

But now I'm seeing a market opportunity, what do you all think of a fully autonomous micro-drone multi-dispenser that hovers over each guests plate and drops a crowd sourced personalized unit of both salt and pepper, perhaps with a slight dusting of cayenne on omelettes?
posted by sammyo at 5:15 AM on August 6, 2017 [4 favorites]

If it doesn't have auto-'Throw Spilled Salt Over Your Shoulder To Blind The Devil' functionality, I'm not interested.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:22 AM on August 6, 2017 [16 favorites]

This is how we ran out of ipv4 addresses.
posted by adept256 at 5:38 AM on August 6, 2017 [33 favorites]

Someone should steal it.
posted by goatdog at 5:48 AM on August 6, 2017

Not interested, unless when it's empty it harvests and distills salt from dinner guests
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:57 AM on August 6, 2017 [4 favorites]

This is satire isn't it? ISNT IT??
posted by KateViolet at 6:05 AM on August 6, 2017 [4 favorites]

It only dispenses salt if the user has tasted the food first. Otherwise it dispenses cyanide.

those people make me crazy. we don't need them
posted by adept256 at 6:15 AM on August 6, 2017 [5 favorites]

I heard about this on the Verge, where they speculated about a house with only garbage appliances. Smalt, a Juicero, you're in business.
posted by 1adam12 at 6:18 AM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

they really dropped the marketing ball by not releasing it in Smarch
posted by entropicamericana at 6:32 AM on August 6, 2017 [6 favorites]

Gotta love the part where you shake your phone and the SMALT dispenses salt.
posted by young_simba at 6:40 AM on August 6, 2017 [6 favorites]

But they're celebrating Smaugust at the Lonely Mountain. All that gold doesn't make bbq dwarf taste any better.
posted by adept256 at 6:41 AM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Kinda surprised they're making this a stand-alone item, rather than just making it an upgrade to the Pomegranate Phone.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:44 AM on August 6, 2017

This was created by some overthinking nerd who couldn't handle the reality that there's no standardized volume defining a "pinch" of salt, right?
posted by Thorzdad at 6:44 AM on August 6, 2017 [5 favorites]

I especially love how all the nice white people explain to their token black friend how it works & he is amazed.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:46 AM on August 6, 2017 [11 favorites]

I especially love how all the nice white people explain to their token black friend how it works & he is amazed.

I liked the scene with the obedient husband making breakfast eggs as his wife and his best friend stroll into the kitchen together.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:58 AM on August 6, 2017 [25 favorites]

* wakes up and checks out Metafilter *
* watches video *
* Asks cat what it all means *
* Goes back to bed *
posted by tofu_crouton at 7:14 AM on August 6, 2017 [5 favorites]

Thorzdad - you are a bad person who has made me think about what (dys)functionality you'd put in an IoT-enabled chastity cage.

And what the Indigogo promo video would look like.

And what could possibly go wrong.

The comedic potential of someone setting out to shoot a BDSM/cuck porno infested with gadgets that are intensely badly conceived and/or malfunctioning/hacked... I mean, would you trust Alexa's voice recognition with a safe word?

Ach, what am I saying. This stuff already exists, doesn't it?
posted by Devonian at 7:14 AM on August 6, 2017 [7 favorites]

Your salt shaker is smart, but the future is stupid.
posted by mikeand1 at 7:56 AM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Your salt shaker is smart, but the future is stupid

*shakes head at the shape of present*
posted by BlueHorse at 8:03 AM on August 6, 2017

And it still needs Alexa to dispense salt?
posted by asra at 8:08 AM on August 6, 2017 [2 favorites]

This isn't parody?
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 8:57 AM on August 6, 2017 [4 favorites]

Yeah, they got a lawsuit coming for false advertising.
"Engage all your senses with Smalt."

Lies. It doesn't engage smell. I look forward to this issue bringing the whole product down once people realize.
posted by greermahoney at 9:22 AM on August 6, 2017

Just wait till someone does a tear down and discoverers you can just dispense the salt using only your thumb and a forefinger.
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 10:18 AM on August 6, 2017 [10 favorites]

Lies. It doesn't engage smell. I look forward to this issue bringing the whole product down once people realize.

You've never snorted Indonesian Black Crystal? Doooood. Seriously.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:35 AM on August 6, 2017

Yep, saw this on @internetofshit: the jokes write themselves now
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:46 AM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Came for the inevitable Rick and Morty reference, left vindicated.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:56 AM on August 6, 2017

Warning: some users have reported dark, fearsome dreams of SMALT, in which their family can be seen slowly drowning beneath a dark wave, with only a muffled scream left as evidence of their existence. Also, a smell of cinnamon. If you experience these dreams, or if SMALT begins to appear in places you would not expect, as if it were following you, please return SMALT to your distributor immediately.

Pending Updates
posted by blue_beetle at 12:49 PM on August 6, 2017

Lies. It doesn't engage smell. I look forward to this issue bringing the whole product down once people realize.

I didn't see anything for proprioception, either. They are really over-promising with this thing,

According to this puff piece in Time: "the smart saltshaker has been in development since 2015." This makes me feel better about all the time I have wasted over the last couple of years. I am almost done with my wi-fi enabled hot sauce bottle! I have a name: cAPPsicum™; the rest should be pretty simple.
posted by TedW at 1:05 PM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

So, if you exceed the normal sodium intake, will a weapon pop out and it will start yelling "Exterminate!"?
posted by Muncle at 1:23 PM on August 6, 2017 [6 favorites]

People are weird.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 1:47 PM on August 6, 2017

my wi-fi enabled hot sauce bottle! I have a name: cAPPsicum™

Not "Pepr"?

Also: IoT = Internet of Tabasco
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:57 PM on August 6, 2017 [2 favorites]

This goes on the table next to the Robotic Ketchup Dispenser, right?

and for the wi-fi enabled hot sauce: SMIRACHA...
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:04 PM on August 6, 2017 [4 favorites]

SMIRACHA

Ooh, yes, much better than my suggestion.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:37 PM on August 6, 2017

This beats the dog food truck I saw in Chicago. All dog treats. We truly live in the end times.
posted by latkes at 3:12 PM on August 6, 2017

With a small modification to the dispensing 'spoon' this would be the perfect cocaine dispenser.

"Say hello to my little friend"
posted by auntie-matter at 3:28 PM on August 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

This is marketed especially as a "conversation piece." I pray to God I am never stuck at a dinner party where the most interesting thing to talk about is the stupidest piece of shit invented by modern man.
posted by kozad at 9:07 PM on August 6, 2017 [6 favorites]

I am flabbergasted, flummoxed, and flustered that this is not a parody. I have seen the actual indiegogo page and am still confused that this is not a parody. I see this thing, this SMALT, and see parody and satire, but reality is telling me something else.

Is this what middle age is all about?
posted by zardoz at 9:41 PM on August 6, 2017 [3 favorites]

I pray to God I am never stuck at a dinner party where the most interesting thing to talk about is the stupidest piece of shit invented by modern man.

On the other hand, any comedian worth his smalt salt could get an entire routine out of it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:50 PM on August 6, 2017

Disposable income.
posted by filtergik at 3:36 AM on August 7, 2017

This is not a joke ?! Oh good lord it's Trump all over again.
posted by SageLeVoid at 3:47 AM on August 7, 2017

Has anyone considered the possibility that this is a subtle marketing ploy by the salt mining lobby? I mean, why salt? Why not sugar, or... cocaine? SNORT!
posted by Laotic at 4:11 AM on August 7, 2017

I am on team parody-until-proven-otherwise.

Q: Can I put pepper in SMALT?
A: No, because SMALT is only designed to measure, track, and control salt.

*runs off to register Smepper as a trademark*
posted by carter at 5:19 AM on August 7, 2017

And what happens when your Smalt gets hacked or infected with a virus that makes it over-dispense salt without telling you so you end up with heart problems and high blood pressure years down the road?
posted by ananci at 11:44 AM on August 7, 2017

I especially love how all the nice white people explain to their token black friend how it works & he is amazed.
I thought they were having some weird dinner where she was doling out the salt from her phone. Like how it would be since nobody wants to install salt. I think sadly you're right though. I would totally buy a remote parma dispenser for my kids though. "Kids, its what the app says is a serving, get over it."

At that same dinner, dude shakes the thing like its coming out the top, which no? Also, I know its prop food and likely unhealthy to eat but dang, there's a lot of not-eating going on (and those burgers, like the Sahara...)

I've never wanted to be able mass 'sploit a device before. Visions of piles of salt overflowing from a disco-strobing speaker pounding dubstep across the Ikea'd land.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

And what happens when your Smalt gets hacked or infected with a virus that makes it over-dispense salt without telling you so you end up with heart problems and high blood pressure years down the road?

Then it would be a just comeuppance for being the kind of person who needs to rely on a silly (and insecure) apparatus to do something as trivially simple as seasoning their food.

Also, Alton Brown would rightly sneer at this for being a unitasker gadget.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:01 PM on August 7, 2017

so you end up with heart problems and high blood pressure years down the road?

Hmm, I think your statement does point to why this thing exists/what kind of market they are trying to tap ito:
-90% of Americans eat too much salt
-75 million Americans have high blood pressure
-(When Obama was prez) New federal guidelines pressure food industry to lower salt

I think they're approaching this the wrong way. I wouldn't be advertising it as a techno salt dispenser+centerpiece+mood lighting+speaker. I would rip out everything else and try to get it down far far below 99 bucks, and really focus on making it simple for non-tech savvy older folks to use. I would also want to rip out all the unnecessary "features" in order to extend battery life beyond 4 hours, which is completely idiotic. This thing should last for weeks if not months between charges, or just use AA or AAA batteries.

Holy shit, I think I just convinced myself that there is a way for this thing to be useful and helpful to people!
posted by FJT at 2:00 PM on August 7, 2017

A year or three ago, I did some preliminary consulting on a hardware project that was simpler than this, and went to Kickstarter for $100k. The hope was that the project would vastly exceed that, and based on the buzz from "we've exceeded our targets by 5x" both get to the actual number needed to deliver the product, and get a boost.

It made its target. This was kinda good news (hey, some people like the product) and bad (we've gotta go get more funding to make the plastic molds to deliver it). The product is currently doing okay in the market, but...

$25k as your Indiegogo target isn't even in the same order of magnitude as enough to deliver the product. So either they're playing that same game of chicken, and if they just barely pass their funding target they're kinda screwed, or they have no idea what it costs to bring a product to market.

So, yeah, if they just hit $25k, they've either got to find 10-20x that more funding, or eat the Indiegogo fees and refund the money. Or face the lawsuits and go into hiding.

Which kinda makes me want to watch this as they get closer to the funding close date. I'm not sure just how much schadenfreude enjoyment I can get out of a hundred bucks, but it's tempting...
posted by straw at 2:37 PM on August 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

90% of Americans eat too much salt

I thought the bulk of that over-consumption came from eating processed foods; if that's the case then a gadget like this (even assuming it wasn't a parody) aren't going to solve the problem.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:22 PM on August 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

isn't, not aren't, darn it. Or I guess ain't would work too.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:35 PM on August 7, 2017

> I would also want to rip out all the unnecessary "features" in order to extend battery life beyond 4 hours, which is completely idiotic. This thing should last for weeks if not months between charges, or just use AA or AAA batteries.

Hell, they've presumably developed an accurate motorised dispenser, couldn't you just hook that up to a manual rotating top and gear in an adjustable daily amount indicator?
posted by lucidium at 5:00 AM on August 8, 2017

For the health conscious, you could make a Zero Sodium version of Smalt by not putting any salt in it.
posted by ian1977 at 10:32 AM on August 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

I've been laughing at Smalt ever since my new(ish) favorite podcast Do By Friday discovered it.
posted by dominik at 5:34 AM on August 9, 2017

This is a tiny thing, but it bothers me we never see the other side of it. In every single shot, everyone is so careful to have the logo face the camera that the other side could be covered in Cronenbergian flesh and we'd never know.
posted by RobotHero at 2:52 PM on August 11, 2017