These are truths. Guard them, because you worked so hard to find them.

September 18, 2017 12:07 PM

Casey Johnston, writer and Swole Woman, writes about disordered eating, dealing with a friend's thoughtless comments, and the pernicious idea that "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

You already know what you’re hearing doesn’t track with reality, or even your personal experience—being strong feels better than skinny feels. Eating when you’re hungry feels better than not eating. These are truths. Guard them, because you worked so hard to find them. The world is going to lie to you, and people will repeat those lies. You have to hold on tight to your truths, and know that they are true even when you hear the lies, even when they come from your own friends’ mouths. You have to not judge those friends for not having had the time or patience or whatever to have beat back the bullshit long enough to find the true things. You know what that is like because you were there, you are there, too.

Casey Johnston is the author of the column Ask a Swole Woman where she answers questions about weightlifting, with a particular emphasis on providing advice for women looking to start lifting. A recent interview. The Instagram account @swolewoman.

posted by coolname (24 comments total)

Yeah, I debated adding that to the "more inside" but decided against since that's not really where I know of her from.
posted by coolname at 12:32 PM on September 18, 2017

I love Ask a Swole Woman, and I love this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:50 PM on September 18, 2017

I listened to the interview a couple of weeks ago. It's really worth the time.
posted by asterix at 12:51 PM on September 18, 2017

Holy shit I needed this today. Thank you for sharing it.
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:22 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

In my (male) experience, one of the most surprisingly empowering things about strength training is the experience of bulking (intentionally gaining weight as part of getting stronger) as a goal. It is completely backwards from the relationship that almost everyone has with weight. I found it actually made cutting (dieting) easier as it converts the feeling of "down is success, up is failure" into "down is what I'm doing now, then I'll switch to up for a while".
posted by allegedly at 1:29 PM on September 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

I thought her response was kind of lame in terms of how to respond to someone who makes these remarks. It seems to be, let these things slide because your friends aren't as woke as you and just talk about how great being strong is.
posted by shoesietart at 1:36 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'd never heard of her! I must now start following her on instagram. I started lifting weights this year, to help with posture, a bad hip, a busted knee, and a messed up ankle. It corrected all those issues and more. Honestly, it's changed my entire life and I had no idea I could feel this good at this point (edging near to 40). Being strong, feeling strong is the most empowering feeling.
posted by Windigo at 1:48 PM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

As a person who has always been thin, and is now on the other side of 'mid thirties,' so many things feel better than thin does and and nearly anything tastes better (not celery, I don't like celery, not even that Alton Brown braised celery recipe that I hoped would turn celery into food). Like Casey says, Cheese.

The reason so many things feel and taste better than thin is because when you're a thin woman, you're still doing it wrong. The accusations of not eating, not eating enough, not eating the right things, the assurances that I ought to be fearful and vigilant against fat, the insistence that I'm too vigilant, the narratives of control, the wistful glances, the admonition, the teasing, they never stop. There is literally no correct shape to have as a woman. Literally no amount of space that it is acceptable to occupy. If I'm bloated people ask if I'm pregnant. If I decline dessert people tell me I don't need to diet. If I have dessert some old dude three tables over mutters that I should be careful, a lovely figure is a terrible thing to waste. If I bringn a dessert to an office potluck I'm accused of trying to 'make everyone fat.' The assumptions that I'm judging what other people are eating also feel ever ending.

I'm very lucky to have a group of acquaintances (I'd wishfully call them friends but that wouldn't be an accurate description) who collectively have a fantastic relationship with food. There is wats food. It is always good food. There are ever diet food tips. This is largely because the group is mostly made up of men, and the women are all dealing with their stuff in ways that seem, from the outside, to be healthy. We eat. We eat joyfully and abundantly and it is good.

If I weren't so clumsy and uncomfortable all the time, maybe I'd learn to lift. It has always seemed like something that would help some of the stuff I have going on. And I've never worried that lifting would change my body in the way that women are told to fear. Even when my body has been 'perfect' it has always been open for criticism and suggestion, so while I'm sure the comments would change, I've got armor. I've still not learned better how to shut that down, but I still refuse to be polite about it. If I were Lindy West or Roxane Gay I think I'd be serving multiple consecutive sentences for murder, given what I've heard people say to fat people. I'm getting less polite about that kind of anti-fat crap when I hear it from thin or average people who think I might be ok with it. It's not ok. It's not ok to be shitty about anyone's body.
posted by bilabial at 2:01 PM on September 18, 2017 [24 favorites]

I thought her response was kind of [less desirable] in terms of how to respond to someone who makes these remarks. It seems to be, let these things slide because your friends aren't as woke as you and just talk about how great being strong is.

Not everyone is strong enough for confrontation, or will be in the future but aren't yet and just need to survive where they are for now, and that is okay.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:13 PM on September 18, 2017 [13 favorites]

I've never worried that lifting would change my body in the way that women are told to fear

And so many women fall for it. It is a big problem that the negative examples of "this is what a woman who lifts weights looks like" are typically examples of "this is what a woman looks like after injecting enough male sex hormones to build a miniature model of the patriarchy in her endocrine system". That's optional. Don't do that. Just lift weights.
posted by allegedly at 2:41 PM on September 18, 2017 [24 favorites]

It seems to be, let these things slide because your friends aren't as woke as you and just talk about how great being strong is.

I think she's right, though, that you can't argue someone out of an eating disorder. Confrontation may be totally warranted, but it isn't effective. It actually works a lot better to focus on other things and model a healthy relationship with your body.

I'm always amused by the "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" line, because skinny has never felt good to me. The internal logic of anorexia is that you never, ever feel thin enough. I have always felt better, physically and emotionally, when I was eating than when I was skinny.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 2:50 PM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

I enjoyed the article but I'm commenting to give proper kudos to:

> "this is what a woman looks like after injecting enough male sex hormones to build a miniature model of the patriarchy in her endocrine system"

That, folks, is writing.
posted by languagehat at 2:57 PM on September 18, 2017 [17 favorites]

I have so much to say and little time to say it in.

I was anorexic for YEARS. I hated my body. Yes, it was thin, I was pretty, most importantly my body worked (except in all the ways it didn't just because I was starving myself to death).

After many many many years, I have mostly put that behind me. It's fucking hard. It's hard all the time. But you go from "I cannot imagine ever being able to eat something without being completely stressed about it" to only stressing about it some of the time, or when you're particularly anxious, or whatever.

I'm now...overweight. (Over WHAT weight?) But I love my body now. My belly. My big thighs. All these things that would trigger me crying and not eating for days...I like how they feel! I never ever would have known that I could like a body like mine is now. (Even though my body is actively trying to make my life difficult all the time. Another story.)

And for some reason I keep thinking about "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" -- YES, it does. Lots of things do. Not feeling lightheaded and sped up and on the brink of tears all the time is pretty great. Cheese, ice cream are great. Burgers are great.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was this: it takes all of us challenging these ideas for us to have any hope of ever turning the tide one day. I know my coworkers probably roll their eyes inwardly when they talk about how "bad" something they're eating is, and I say, "FOOD IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE." Or remind them in chat that what anyone puts in their own mouth is their own business. But at least some of them know that this is triggering talk for me, and when I remind them, they tell me thanks. Sincerely.

Try it out. When someone asks you if you're on a diet, or how "bad" they're being, or how "good" they've been today, or how you should try this juice cleanse, or "eating clean," or counting points, or whatever. Just push back a little, when it's safe for you to do so. At the very least maybe they'll learn not to say it around you. At most maybe they'll consider what it means for their own lives.
posted by fiercecupcake at 3:01 PM on September 18, 2017 [27 favorites]

come on guys, somebody tell me, what are these "skinny feels" and where can I order some
posted by a car full of lions at 3:11 PM on September 18, 2017 [10 favorites]

Also, I've finally given up and admitted that I'm never going to lift weights. My hamstrings are super tight, and I can't do a proper squat or deadlift. For years, I felt really ashamed that I was (completely reasonably) afraid of injuring myself, like if I were the right kind of woman I would just be able to will my body to work differently, and I'm done. There are kinds of exercise that I can do without frying my lower back, and I'm going to stick with those.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 3:19 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

For me, skinny feels like not being able to find clothes that fit. Skinny felt like having to pay an extra fee for my health insurance because I was underweight, even though all my labs were normal and nobody could be bothered to diagnose the major chronic health condition I had. Skinny feels like you're being constantly surveilled. Skinny feels like an obligation to eat even though you aren't hungry, so you don't lose weight, or to prove to people who don't matter that you do eat. Skinny feels like men tripping over themselves to "help." Skinny feels like not wanting to be seen exercising in public. Skinny feels like wondering if men are spending time with you because they like as a person or as an object. Skinny feels like hearing the only way you could have gotten that job is by fucking someone. Skinny feels like, "you'd be hot if you shaved and wore makeup!"

Skinny feels pretty fucking terrible.
posted by bilabial at 3:54 PM on September 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

I want to get back to lifting, but I'm already dreading having trainers tell me, with looks of horror, that I will get big. Unfortunately this pisses me off so much that I'm not good at responding calmly and thoughtfully about all the reading I've done and how even if I were going to get big, that would not be a reason to avoid lifting.

As far as eating goes, back when I ate out with people who would talk about food choices in terms of "good" and "bad" (and not referring to flavor) my favorite line is "Genocide is bad. Cake is delicious."

But I do get frustrated at the constant presence of desserts in my workplace and how they are trotted out and encouraged for every possible occasion. Not because they are morally bad but because they are tempting, and sugar will cause me to crash and lose focus and energy for the rest of the day, and with any luck I'll have a headache on top of that. I have to be constantly vigilant against cookies and cake - during the work day at least.
posted by bunderful at 6:09 PM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

I was convinced to try lifting by an online friend, and I remain intensely grateful that it is a very woman heavy gym, owned by a woman, and that they have never brought up weight loss to me. (I don't think I have lost any weight but I am much stronger.)
posted by jeather at 7:38 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I currently live with someone at least 70 pounds smaller than I am who can't put a single piece of food into their mouth without at least once announcing how "good" or "bad" this thing we are eating is for us, adding up all of the calories out loud during every meal time and acting shocked about how much/little there is, and talking about how fat they feel after they gained "a whole pound!" this week. They are so entirely needy when it comes to having their own disordered eating and body image issues validated, and I've got plenty of my own to deal with. I'm currently in a good, healthy place when it comes to eating and eating mindsets, but it's easy to lose that when you're surrounded by such harmful modes of thinking about food. So I need posts like this to prevent me from slamming my head into a wall every dinner time. Thanks for that.
posted by ProtectoroftheSmall at 8:42 PM on September 18, 2017 [12 favorites]

I've never worried that lifting would change my body in the way that women are told to fear

When I told a friend at the beginning of the year I was making a stab at getting healthy - yes, losing weight as that was making my health issues worse, but also lifting weights to build strength - the very first thing out of her mouth was "Oh but you're going to get all bulky!"

I hadn't even considered that. I mean, I was already somewhat 'fat', so it wasn't like I was going to ruin some sort of socially-acceptable level of thinness. All I knew was my back was hurting all of the time - I was growing a dowager's hump - and I couldn't even jog across the street for the bus due to ankle pain from an old twisted ankle injury that wouldn't calm down. I'd take bulky and pain-free any day of the week, thank you.

I mentioned her comments a couple days later to my trainer and he gave me a look. "That's not going to happen. Do you have any idea how much weight and hours and shots most women have to do to get bulky? I hate that myth. It stops so many women from lifting any sort of weights."

Very recently I saw that friend for the first time in a year. She made a face. "Oh my god. Fine, FINE. What's your routine?"
posted by Windigo at 5:25 AM on September 19, 2017 [12 favorites]

fiercecupcake, "FOOD IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE" has just jumped to the top of my "if I ever get a tattoo" list. Thank you.
posted by catlet at 7:20 AM on September 19, 2017 [4 favorites]

I feel very lucky to have found a home in roller derby, where strong, large, muscular women are an asset. There are still times when my thighs don't fit into an old pair of pants that I get discouraged, but I try to remind myself of all the things those thighs have helped me accomplish on the track, and it helps.
posted by coppermoss at 8:13 AM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

And so many women fall for it. It is a big problem that the negative examples of "this is what a woman who lifts weights looks like" are typically examples of "this is what a woman looks like after injecting enough male sex hormones to build a miniature model of the patriarchy in her endocrine system". That's optional. Don't do that. Just lift weights.

I think people wildly underestimate how much effort it takes to get big. I a man lift hard twice a week and nobody would know. I am lot stronger than I would be otherwise but the visible evidence just isn't that noticeable. There are women at the gym who I am jealous of and could only dream of having comparable musculature but you know what I have learned from going to the gym twice a week at randomish times in the morning? They are there every single time I am. They are still there when I leave. Which means they are always there all morning every morning.

A'int nobody got time for that!
posted by srboisvert at 7:03 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

I love Casey Johnston's writing and enjoyed this. Ask A Swole Woman has been like a sane benchmark for me while I've gotten into lifting, because it's a subject for so much bad information.

As a fat woman, one pleasure about lifting is that I've managed to move to lifting quite heavy, quite fast - not too fast, but starting heavier than I expected and steadily building. I have strong legs anyway, but I wonder if it's my body somehow using itself for scale. In spite of that, I'm not bulky (I wouldn't mind if I was, but I'm not), and unless you knew what I looked like before, you might not notice. The changes have been a squaring of my narrow shoulders, some well-padded definition in my arms and back, and quads of steel. I still have a long way to go, but it's been a really positive experience for me in working with and knowing my body.

(It has not given me a furnace-like metabolism, sadly, so I have to watch my emotions when reading about bulking and cutting.)
posted by carbide at 6:08 AM on September 20, 2017 [1 favorite]