Broadcast Wagstaff School News revisited
September 19, 2017 11:37 AM   Subscribe

Deadspin: There’s no use trying to skirt around this, so let’s cut straight to the chase: A Colorado Springs woman has been taking big craps in front of someone’s house for a few weeks now. They’re calling her the Mad Pooper and she won’t stop. The cops are involved. It appears to be some sort of revenge pooping. I hope you enjoy this report from local CBS outlet KKTV as much as I did.

And, as a musical accompaniment, Bob's Burgers is here for us all.
posted by rewil (156 comments total) 26 users marked this as a favorite
 
AWESOME, A POST ABOUT HUMAN SHIT
posted by thelonius at 11:41 AM on September 19 [12 favorites]


I mean, just gently nudge her so that she falls over? Use a stick even...
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:50 AM on September 19 [2 favorites]


HEY THIS IS GREAT I'M POOPING RIGHT NOW
posted by loquacious at 11:51 AM on September 19 [17 favorites]


Another perfect use case for the straight mouth smiley.

😐
posted by phunniemee at 11:58 AM on September 19 [22 favorites]


Stealing from a friend:

we have found Charmin Sandiego
posted by Etrigan at 11:58 AM on September 19 [120 favorites]


this FPP is destined for greatness
posted by Annika Cicada at 12:00 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


Those tags are golden Rewil.

I had a housemate like this once. Someone ate their leftover KD and they rage-shit on the kitchen floor.

I do wonder what has driven her to this. The human condition truly is a marvel.
posted by LegallyBread at 12:00 PM on September 19 [9 favorites]


Gawd, the news just gets shittier every day.
posted by nubs at 12:01 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


Smear campaign
posted by uncleozzy at 12:02 PM on September 19 [23 favorites]


shitposting? in my metafilter?

it's more common than you think
posted by indubitable at 12:03 PM on September 19 [9 favorites]


It doesn't actually sound like she's intentionally targeting anyone - it just sounds like she just drops trou the second she needs to poop and does it then and there, and jogging, ah, gets her system working. Which is bizarre and criminal behavior, to be sure, but deliberately targeting this neighborhood? I don't think that's it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:07 PM on September 19


Oh, The Mad Pooper is a fit white person.

I'm sure they have a good reason for doing what they do, then.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:07 PM on September 19 [24 favorites]


*5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the pooper is racist
posted by saturday_morning at 12:07 PM on September 19 [83 favorites]


“Crap, Crap, Mega Crap!”
posted by Fizz at 12:08 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


showbiz_liz, that's my thought as well, followed by: Can we get her to adjust her running route to include the White House & Congress?
posted by nubs at 12:08 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


rage-shit

This... this is... Forget about the interpersonal issues for a moment, I literally cannot imagine being capable of producing a bowel movement on command. Is this normal? Maybe I need to eat more fibre.
posted by btfreek at 12:10 PM on September 19 [16 favorites]


it just sounds like she just drops trou the second she needs to poop and does it then and there, and jogging, ah, gets her system working

From the video it appears she's pooping in a park WITH TOILETS IN IT in a central hub of OTHER LOCATIONS WITH TOILETS and also INSIDE OF A WALGREENS but importantly NOT in the toilet or bathroom at said walgreens. If you're sure enough of your pooping that you can hit the same spot in the same park multiple days in a row but won't go to any of the actual bathrooms within a hundred feet...?..??.?

There is no real explanation for that aside from a knowing intent to poop on public places.
posted by phunniemee at 12:11 PM on September 19 [37 favorites]


I'm almost positive this has something to do with the Activia Probiotic 2 Week Challenge.
posted by chococat at 12:12 PM on September 19 [21 favorites]


Aren't Friday evenings the traditional time for news dumps?
posted by Hairy Lobster at 12:12 PM on September 19 [14 favorites]


ENGAGE TURBO MODE
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:12 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


Some people just gotta fertilize.
posted by Bee'sWing at 12:13 PM on September 19


I don't know if this has ever made Metafilter but this seems like the most appropriate thread to post the legendary story about The Mad Shitter at Texas Instruments in the late 1980s.
posted by JoeZydeco at 12:13 PM on September 19 [19 favorites]


Maybe she just has the runs?
posted by nubs at 12:14 PM on September 19 [26 favorites]


I'm generally against armchair psychoanalysis, but I think she has at least one issue. Maybe issues.
posted by orange ball at 12:15 PM on September 19 [10 favorites]


TIL that "mudbutt" is a term for an unwiped anus.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:16 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


As long as she has some tissues though, right?
posted by nubs at 12:16 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


“So I come outside, and I’m like [...] Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids!?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!’”

So she's been called out on it mid-poop, she knows that people are Not Happy, she just nonchalantly apologizes and she just keeps doing it?

This is my worst nightmare.
posted by btfreek at 12:16 PM on September 19 [32 favorites]


Maybe she just has the runs?

how dare you
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:17 PM on September 19 [18 favorites]


I laughed when a friend's old deaf pug walked two houses over to pitch a loaf in my front yard while gazing straight at me with those huge black eyes in a pretty obvious pug insult, but if it were a human who wasn't in medical distress I'd set up a remote control sprinkler like for scaring deer away from the garden.
posted by mattamatic at 12:17 PM on September 19 [10 favorites]


"an embarrassing smear campaign"
posted by BungaDunga at 12:18 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


So she's been called out on it mid-poop, she knows that people are Not Happy, she just nonchalantly apologizes and she just keeps doing it?

This is my worst nightmare.


I wonder if this is akin to that hippie free-bleeding movement. Free pooping.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:18 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


Flagged for incompleteness. Neither the FPP nor the linked sources answer or even ask the most important question:
does she wipe sitting down or standing up?

We need to know.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 12:18 PM on September 19 [12 favorites]


Folks, do you know how grody public restrooms are? Do you know what people do in them?! Far safer and more hygienic to crap out in the open, I say.

😂
posted by Big Al 8000 at 12:19 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


does she wipe sitting down or standing up?

You're making a bit of an assumption here. Who says she wipes?
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:20 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


So much threadshitting on this FPP.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 12:20 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


When I worked at Alcatraz (but not for NPS) we had a changing room for changing into our uniforms and someone shit in there twice within the span of a few weeks. Which then resulted in us having to have an all staff meeting on the ferry to work that was basically "Please do not shit in the changing room." Which was surprisingly one of the least-worst, least-weird things about that job.
posted by primalux at 12:21 PM on September 19 [18 favorites]


Shit off my lawn!
posted by peeedro at 12:21 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


I literally cannot imagine being capable of producing a bowel movement on command. Is this normal? Maybe I need to eat more fibre.

This was pretty much my reaction back in ye olde college days when we, her brother and myself, were helping my second-cousin hurriedly move out, so as to not have a fight when he returned home from work, of the apartment she shared with her boyfriend after he was caught cheating on her. I mean to say that was my reaction when, after we were done loading everything of hers up and he went inside to do one last walk though and go to the bathroom and came back out to announce, when questioned as to why he had such a amused look on his face, that he had taken a shit under the boyfriend's, now ex-boyfriend I should say, pillow. We drove away flabbergasted and laughing.

The really odd part is that they later got back together, married, and have kids now. I try not to think of how those next few family reunions on that side of the family must have went...
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:21 PM on September 19 [19 favorites]


I had a revenge pooper for a neighbor in Nice.

When I moved into my apartment about a decade ago, I let out mon chat Malo (my cat Malo) and noticed my neighbor in her garden across from mine. "Bonjour !" I said. "Je vais tuer votre chat !" she responded ("I'm going to kill your cat!"). Charming. I didn't respond since it was clear she was unwell.

I chatted with her building neighbors. Turned out her husband was a motorcyclist who visited West and East Germany right before the wall fell. He met neighbor lady in East Germany and she ran away to France with him on his bike. She had been mentally ill for as long as they all could remember; beat her husband and two sons, threatened neighbors constantly, had attacked a few of them in the street. But since it was all within the building, which belonged to members of the same family, the police refused to do anything. This was no surprise to me, having grown up in a family with people who'd hit their kids in front of neighbors who would then call the cops and nothing would happen. Different countries, same sad story.

Meanwhile the threats to my cat continued. She'd leave bread and other nonsense on my patio, which of course I had to clean up. Then she escalated to randomly screaming at me when I'd go outside, and continuing to scream when I'd go back in. All this time I gave no response to her. One day she threw a pot of thyme on my patio roof. Another time she hosed me while I was outside and continued hosing my walls when I went back in, for a good quarter hour.

Then, one day, I came home from work, checked the patio to let out the cat, and found a human shit. A big, plump pile of very human poop. Neighbor lady came out and started screaming at me. I had HAD it. I lit into her and messaged her upstairs neighbors to witness it because this time the police were coming and they were going to fucking listen.

The police came, confirmed it was indeed poop, asked neighbor lady if it were her poop, to which she replied a string of expletives that included admission it had indeed been sourced from her derriere. Her upstairs neighbors and I went to the police station and gave very long witness statements. The cops asked us what we hoped to achieve. "She's mentally ill. Get her psychiatric help," we answered.

They did. With a non-family member targeted, they finally listened. She was in hospital for nearly a year and required to follow treatment as a condition of her eventually going home, which she did. Her boys also got care and improved immensely. Her husband finally divorced and started a new life. When she returned, she looked at me, hung her head and apologized. "It's good you're feeling better," I told her, and that's the most we've spoken to each other since.
posted by fraula at 12:22 PM on September 19 [159 favorites]


Solution: garden hose
posted by saturday_morning at 12:23 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


You're making a bit of an assumption here. Who says she wipes?

In the video it says that she brings napkins with her. I assumed those were for wiping.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 12:23 PM on September 19


We don't play in your toilet, so please don't poop in our park.
posted by drezdn at 12:25 PM on September 19 [10 favorites]


There was a guy in the Army who would revenge poop in other unit's AOs, so apparently this is a thing. But we all thought that guy, well...wasn't right. Even if she's deliberately doing it, this is such a violation of norms that it does not speak well of her current state of thinking.
posted by corb at 12:25 PM on September 19 [7 favorites]


this is close enough to me that i'll be watching my step. ted haggard, pp shooting, poop girl...what a place.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:26 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


She's like, 'Yeah, sorry!'" : This is an extreme example of a person living the motto "Act Now, Apologize Later."
posted by King Sky Prawn at 12:26 PM on September 19


Key Metafilter Talking points:
At least she isn't doing it in a National Park.
At least she isn't contributing towards a fatberg.
Clearly she stands when she wipes.
You can tell when she's had a plate of beans.
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:27 PM on September 19 [21 favorites]


I want to know if the people she's pooping in front of has a dog. And if this rage shitting is revenge for their dog crapping in her yard.

Or, since it's the Springs, is this political, and she's learned that has awesome powers of command shitting, and is using it for . . . well, commentary.
posted by barchan at 12:28 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


I'm glad this isn't happening to me, because I'm the kind of person who would follow her home and start revenge pooping in her mailbox, with the occasional vomit as a chaser.
posted by vverse23 at 12:29 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


I once had a colleague who was so legitimately annoying, lazy, light-fingered, obsessive, etc. etc. that I felt not one shred of sympathy when it transpired that she'd annoyed her neighbours so much that one of them had shat on/in a towel and left it on her doorstep.

My initial reaction was not at all undermined when she further told us that she had kept the turd in her freezer as evidence, but the local police had declined to accept it.
posted by ominous_paws at 12:29 PM on September 19 [16 favorites]


I would tell her to just scat!

I will see myself out
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 12:31 PM on September 19 [39 favorites]


Revenge pooping! Not just for parrots anymore :D
posted by Calzephyr at 12:32 PM on September 19 [8 favorites]


#fakepoos
posted by ominous_paws at 12:32 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


I have a sudden craving for ice cream.
posted by homunculus at 12:40 PM on September 19


Perhaps its a commentary on Karl Pooper's 'The Open Society and its Enemies'?

Or perhaps we can find more of an explanation in the work of other philosopher kings:

Born to live - we live to die
Our brown eyes can't see, they can only cry
posted by biffa at 12:42 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


That's toilet journalism, rewil. We do gutter journalism here.
posted by tobascodagama at 12:49 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


I think my cat read this thread because he just took a shit on my rug literally right in front of me.
posted by AFABulous at 12:52 PM on September 19 [22 favorites]


Does she just jog, or is she one of those crossshit enthusiasts?
posted by mkhall at 12:53 PM on September 19 [28 favorites]


I got a song about this, it just came to me like a shat in the dark:

When you're running in the Springs
and the call of nature sings
That's diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're running down the walk
And you gotta cop a squat
That's diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're just out on a jog
and you leave a toilet hog
That's diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're making buns of steel
And you leave behind your meal
That's diarrhea, diarrhea

You're getting in your run
and you show the world your bum
diarrhea diarrhea

You gotta train and train
but you've eaten too much grain
diarrhea diarrhea

You're always at your ease
leaving neighbors your feces
diarrhea diarrhea

When you use another's lawn
as your giant green free john
diarrhea, diarrhea

You're trying to get fit
but you gotta take a shit
diarrhea diarrhea

posted by barchan at 12:57 PM on September 19 [15 favorites]


She's number two!
posted by Melismata at 12:57 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


I wonder if this is akin to that hippie free-bleeding movement.

Wasn't that an anti-feminist hoax? I mean, I hope the hell it was.

What gets me about this is that her jogging outfit, at least in the clearest pic, seems to be a unitard design. Any kind of bathroom activity would have to come with a whole lot of opportunities for second thoughts.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:58 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


Yeah. We had the Shrub Shitter in our neighbourhood for about 5 years. Something/one would shit on top of low-lying shrubs in front of houses at night during the summer. You could tell the Shrub Shitter had been by because of the flies buzzing around your shrubs.

(It definitely wasn't dog shit, which is the first thing people suggest when I tell this story).
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:58 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


I can't even pee in public when someone might see me! The fortitude of this woman!

Can someone just follow her home and organize a mass shit-in on her lawn?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 1:01 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


Huh. I could swear I was just reading this thread, except in a wilderness environment...oh, wait.
posted by catlet at 1:05 PM on September 19


That's toilet journalism, rewil. We do gutter journalism here.

More like front lawn or sidewalk journalism really, no?
posted by Hairy Lobster at 1:12 PM on September 19


just google "navy phantom shitter", it's an entire genre
posted by indubitable at 1:13 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


Everybody Poops: But Get Off of My Lawn!
posted by Splunge at 1:21 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


Who'd have thought a jogger would loaf around so much?
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:23 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


Colorado Springs you say? Somebody call Lt. Joe!
posted by drewbage1847 at 1:24 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


There's DNA in it, which limits my revenge pooping substantially.
posted by theora55 at 1:30 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


she had kept the turd in her freezer as evidence, but the local police had declined to accept it

Tell her to swab the fresh feces next time and freeze the swabs instead, your best bet for getting a DNA profile from poop is in the mucus and shed skin cells on the surface before they're destroyed by bacteria and digestive enzymes.

I love my job
posted by Flannery Culp at 1:37 PM on September 19 [45 favorites]


Perhaps she's in training to be the next Paula Radcliffe (world marathon record holder), in this classic footage of possibly the worst advert for mineral water ever.
posted by biffa at 1:39 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


Poos in the News
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:40 PM on September 19


she just drops trou the second she needs to poop and does it then and there

gotta go fast
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:41 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


@
posted by crysflame at 1:42 PM on September 19


Great.

I'll just put her right under Focus on the Family on my reasons why I hate this town.

(I also have a decent list of reasons I like it hear, but that's mostly breakfast food, lack of humidity, and weed.)
posted by bibliowench at 1:44 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


OK, so, I'm an aspiring long distance runner. I have not made it past 17 miles but someday. There are times when you're out running that you just have to go. There are some well known incidents of marathon runners just letting loose mid-run, while running, and not stopping to, you know, pull down their pants or anything (three are detailed here, but warning the accompanying photos are icky).

The thing is, on more than one occasion, I found myself like really, really needing to go. I've planned most of my routes to take me by public bathrooms so when its gotten really bad, I've reduced my speed from "lumbering jog-like movement" to "twitchy skittering shuffle" and made it to my selected location.

Once, I made the mistake of planning a route that took me three or four miles away from all public toilets. It did, however, take me through a few areas with dense (if low) foliage. I loathe the idea of pooping in public, but decided that I wasn't going to be able to crab walk four miles so I dropped trou in the brush and tried to release the hounds of war.

Unfortunately, my sheer discomfort with trying to poo in public completely defeated my other sheer discomfort and I ended up scuttling my way back to a public park. Four miles. Longest hour of my life maybe. And there was no toilet paper when I got there.

In short, I can't even imagine having the ability to poop when completely alone and unseen in the great outdoors much less being able to hold a conversation with somebody while mid-poop. This jogger is a super-being or maybe an advanced pooping machine.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:44 PM on September 19 [8 favorites]


But seriously, folks.

When I worked in a department store, it happened on several occasions that we'd find a poop on the bench of a dressing room.

And right after my parents’ messy, bitter divorce was final, we went to get some boxes of mementos out of storage and found that everything in the unit at about waist-high to an adult human was soaked in what smelled like human urine. I don't get it I'm like way better looking and I'm not going to say my father was the mystery pisser because I don't really know, but I also don't know who else could have gotten in.

I guess you just never know how it's going to manifest when somebody cracks.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:49 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


which sport is this
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:49 PM on September 19 [19 favorites]


Far safer and more hygienic to crap out in the open, I say.

Indeed. Allows one to keep a lookout for predators while one is at one's most vulnerable (according to my cats)
posted by tully_monster at 1:50 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


In high school I knew a kid who would shit in the middle of cul-de-sacs.

And when I say the middle, I mean the direct center. This kid would would get one of those super long field-measuring tapes on a roll and meticulously find the exact dead center and carefully shit right in the middle. No one ever caught him, but he got a few stories in the newspaper (after he hit something upwards of 15 cul-de-sacs).

People are weird, man.
posted by furnace.heart at 1:55 PM on September 19 [24 favorites]


I live in a very old house with a very creepy basement that I never go into except a few times in the spring to make sure the sump pump is working properly to keeping basement-flood levels to a minimum. Also the basement stays near freezing all winter.

This spring I went downstairs, and in the far corner was a pile of poop.

Was it my large dog?
Was it a roommate?
My ex's finale farewell?
A drunk and desperate friend?
Was it new, or had it been frozen and preserved all winter?

WHO THE FUCK POOPED IN MY BASEMENT?!
posted by Grandysaur at 1:56 PM on September 19 [30 favorites]


Googling re the Radcliffe story I found out it's sufficient a thing to have an wikipedia entry: Runner's diarrhea

I remember watching the Radcliffe race live and the BBC quickly cutting away from it so I wasn't quite sure what had happened at the time. Radcliffe herself seemed quite blase in interviews after - saying it's a thing that happens
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:57 PM on September 19


Clearly the solution to this class of problem is doxxing the offender, followed by a revenge-pooping flash mob converging on her abode.

It takes a village.
posted by sourcequench at 2:01 PM on September 19


I'm jealous of this notorious pooper. Poop Free or Die!
posted by Golem XIV at 2:06 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


"Allows one to keep a lookout for predators while one is at one's most vulnerable (according to my cats)"

Cats also look directly into your eyes WHILE THEY POOP.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:07 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


Maybe she's just paying tribute to Tom Dumoulin.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:12 PM on September 19


Everybody Poops...

Huh. On trying it out, that's a more uplifting lyric for the REM song...
posted by Wordshore at 2:30 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


I'm almost positive this has something to do with the Activia Probiotic 2 Week Challenge.

Huh. It's been almost a decade since the claims of Activia yogurt were proven fraudulent in a court of law, and they're still hawking it?
posted by Sys Rq at 2:36 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


which sport is this

The runs.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:38 PM on September 19 [8 favorites]


I can't even imagine having the ability to poop when completely alone and unseen in the great outdoors…

It gets easier with practice. This lady is obviously a pro.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:39 PM on September 19


I hope an early draft of the story led with "...so let’s cut straight to the cheese:"
posted by Gorgik at 2:42 PM on September 19


Thanks to this comment by The Underpants Monster my brain is reading every comment on this thread in the voice of Sir Patrick Stewart.
posted by Wordshore at 2:48 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


Can we uh, send her to the White House? (Mar-a-Lago then? Maybe Trump Tower?)
posted by Space Kitty at 2:56 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


Missed Opportunity Department: There's DNA in it, which limits eliminates my revenge pooping options.

I'm no Dorothy Parker.
posted by theora55 at 2:59 PM on September 19 [8 favorites]


Metafilter: a revenge-pooping flash mob

That's .. not entirely inaccurate.
posted by theora55 at 3:03 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


Of course this is the perfect metaphor for this Trump æon. The tv report notes that there's a bathroom across the street. This woman is not, y'know, regular.

At least it's a forum for my favorite Archer quote which seems appoopriate;

What the shit, Loggins?!
posted by petebest at 3:05 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]




This woman is not, y'know, regular. I don't think you quite understand all the uses of regular.
posted by theora55 at 3:07 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


Fencing the booty of a turdburglar?

wait, wait, let me go get that helium ballon, wait
posted by petebest at 3:11 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


guys she's just playing the beloved but unfairly misaligned game we all grew up with as children before the "nanny state" took away everything fun: Lawn Sharts
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:16 PM on September 19 [14 favorites]


I don't think you quite understand all the uses of regular.

She is hitting both meanings of "morning constitutional".
posted by peeedro at 3:34 PM on September 19 [4 favorites]


Could have been worse; it might have been Big Innes.

I will keep sneaking in that infamous Still Game scene on all poop threads until the mods notice.
posted by Wordshore at 3:44 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


so apparently shitposting brings out the best of Metafilter.
posted by Annika Cicada at 3:56 PM on September 19 [5 favorites]


At least the police are investigating. Ignoring it would be dereliction of doody.
posted by dr_dank at 4:11 PM on September 19 [10 favorites]


A cenobite of Humphrey C. Cornholt?

You opened the box. We pooped.
posted by lagomorphius at 4:52 PM on September 19


Did somebody alert Steve Doocy?

I mean, it's quite the scoop, innit
posted by petebest at 5:03 PM on September 19


guys she's just playing the beloved but unfairly misaligned game we all grew up with as children before the "nanny state" took away everything fun:

Human Cow Bingo?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:19 PM on September 19


I guess she’d rather poop in Colorado

She’d rather spend her dime out where the lawn looks

like a bowl before a flush

talking to the fudge bars she makes

And spoiling the fresh air

I guess she’d rather poop in Colorado

She’d rather wipe her bunghole in the morning when the moon is scarcely gone

In the dawn the “subways” coming down the track I hear her strainin’

Same old deuce she dropped behind a rock in Boulder Canyon

I guess she’d rather poop in Colorado

I guess she’d rather poop in Colorado

I guess she’d rather wipe up where the only corn you earn is what you churn

In the end up in her orifice

In the end a quiet fart is all she has to show

She poops in New York City
posted by lagomorphius at 5:32 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


I'm definitely thinking a high-powered water hose is something I'd invest in if confronted with this situation.
posted by emjaybee at 5:59 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


Many years ago, when I lived in Seattle's Capitol Hill neighborhood, I lived in a seven-unit apartment building that had unsecured access. As a result, homeless and mentally ill people would occasionally take up residence in and cut through the back side of the building's grounds. One meth addled couple managed to do so for several months in a storage space under the back stairs.

After a few years of this I became quite intolerant of people that did not live in the building appearing out my back window, or my office window, and I began to chase them away with fist shaking and other sorts of hominid dominance behavior.

One spring day I went to the downstairs laundry room with a load of laundry, which required leaving the building and walking down to a separate basement entrance. I started the load, and came back out the door and turned to go up the short stairs to the back yard, when a terrible smell hit me.

I gasped involuntarily, talking to myself. "Fuck! That smells like shi.."

As I shook my head to clear it, my eyes came up above the retaining wall in just such a manner that I was, um, granted a direct view of a homeless, possibly mentally ill person's anus in the process of discharging some unhealthy, awful smelling bum poo.

My head exploded. I yelled "FUCK YOU NO YOU FUCKING ARE THE FUCK NOT" and leaped up the stairs with absolute murder intended. I punched the motherfucker as hard as I could and he fell down in his own shit. I started kicking him and looked for a stick or a shovel or something to kill him with.

He was crying and smeared in his own shit and apologizing and I am thankful I did not find the shovel until he'd retreated scrambling down the stairs to the street, his drawers unsecured and shit smeared everywhere he'd been.

Then I realized I had to clean the steaming, still warm shit up.

About then we started looking for places a littler farther out from the center of town. I still feel terror and shame for that moment. I would definitely have killed him if I had a weapon.
posted by mwhybark at 6:40 PM on September 19 [3 favorites]


I can imagine you felt, like, shit. Butt, like the ad says, "what can brown do for you?"
posted by petebest at 6:55 PM on September 19


Can someone just follow her home and organize a mass shit-in on her lawn?

I can hear the protest song singing now: "All we are saying, is give shit a chance..."
posted by Ranucci at 7:09 PM on September 19


does she wipe sitting down or standing up?

Just scoots across the lawn, as one does.
posted by zippy at 7:27 PM on September 19 [8 favorites]


Can someone just follow her home and organize a mass shit-in on her lawn?

A poo for a poo makes the whole world brown.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:33 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]




I can't believe I'm the first person to post the classic King Missile track.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:39 PM on September 19


She brings

Her own

Toilet paper

??????!??

Why this

Why
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:40 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


I swear I read this some time ago, set in antiquity, something like this:
The philosopher, on seeing a man pass by pissing while walking, exclaimed "What! Then shall we shit while we run?"
But I haven't been able to dig it up again, and my search history looks really awkward right now.
posted by moonmilk at 7:44 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


It sounds like someone who's had Crohn's or something like it for a while and just doesn't. give. a. fuck. anymore.
posted by ctmf at 7:50 PM on September 19


nah, it's either mental illness or spite, else why wouldn't she go to the nearby bathrooms?
posted by AFABulous at 8:48 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


Or, like drive 15 minutes away, where there is a very enormous, very private, very dense forest where she could make like a bear and...

My current theory is that random neighbor dogs have been using her lawn and this is her version of revenge.

It's... it's weird here.
posted by mochapickle at 9:05 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


Someone mentioned it jokingly before, but if those bathrooms are nasty, then someone might just get fucking fed up enough to do it outside. If it's an issue that comes up several times a day or more, hell, I wouldn't blame her. Who wants to spend their life in a gas station bathroom?

Anyway, who knows? But I find that theory more likely than revenge shitting or mental illness.
posted by ctmf at 9:10 PM on September 19


It's a pretty new park where the restrooms are, btw. The city spent a bundle for them. I don't think they'd be nasty just yet.
posted by mochapickle at 9:13 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


The lady said she ran past their house 15 times in one day, she's crazy.

Also did the TV station show photos of the poo but then blur them? That's fucking hilarious. I'd love to have been in on that conversation.
posted by fshgrl at 9:31 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


That's pretty standard for tv news. They don't want anyone at home to shout "hey! I know that shit!".
posted by dr_dank at 9:47 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


FCC Obscenity, Profanity and Indecency guidelines has a whole subsection on shit and shit related activities.

I don't remember all the details, but you weren't even allowed to make raspberry/fart noises with your mouth as an on air radio broadcaster, but there's these weird grey areas in dramatizations or, err, art. Like, a toy farting noisemaker was ok AFAIR?
posted by loquacious at 9:50 PM on September 19 [2 favorites]


WHO THE FUCK POOPED IN MY BASEMENT?!

The Babadookie
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:05 PM on September 19 [10 favorites]


Also, post needs the KeepMeFiClassy tag he said jealously
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:07 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


As long as we're speculating as to motive, here's my theory:

She's training for an upcoming marathon or ultra and considers this to be part of same. It's not like there's going to be standard facilities at the actual race, so let's go ahead and get the pit crew used to it, huh?

We just had a thread about the craziness and solipsism of hypercompetitive distance-running culture and this just seems to me like a non-negligible aspect of same. One of the local running clubs used to ask on its membership questionnaire: "you know what it's like to drop a deuce on the side of the trail". And it's not like the takeaway from the Radcliffe anecdote above is anything different than "if you win the London Marathon you can shit wherever you want".
posted by 7segment at 10:27 PM on September 19


Fit white person jogging....definitely listening to some trendy EDM, maybe the drops have that brown note in the bass?

Guarantee those shits are 140 BPM regardless.
posted by GreyboxHero at 10:59 PM on September 19


Who'd have thought a jogger would loaf around so much?

You'd be pooped too if you jogged so much.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:22 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


The local police said they had never seen anything like it. We're in unsharted territory here.
posted by DaddyNewt at 11:36 PM on September 19 [9 favorites]


Holy shit! She's pooping at the Buddy's?!? I'd believe the runners diarrhea theory if it weren't for the fact that she's gone multiple times in the same place, with a (presumably open) park toilet across the street.
posted by stillmoving at 11:48 PM on September 19 [1 favorite]


Folks, do you know how grody public restrooms are? Do you know what people do in them?! Far safer and more hygienic to crap out in the open, I say.

Yes, yes, absolutely not. As someone who used to clean bathrooms and other public areas, I'd rather that people shit on the floor in the bathroom than anywhere else outside of it, because at least the janitor is expecting the possibility of something unpleasant when they go into the restroom.

Also, WRT pooping in the open, I'm prepared on RAGBRAI to have to do something in the cornfields more involved than simply watering the corn, with toilet paper, wet wipes, and hand sanitizer, but even though there's the constant threat of food poisoning and general disruption of the GI tract on the ride, I haven't had to use them. Yet.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:31 AM on September 20 [1 favorite]


On a more serious note, my friend suggested "The photos aren't completely clear, but she could be anorexic- prominent joints, not a lot of muscle definition, not a lot of flesh. My guess is she's taking laxatives as a way to lose more weight, and has to go while on her run."
posted by chinese_fashion at 6:45 AM on September 20


When you're running in the Springs
and the call of nature sings
That's diarrhea, diarrhea


I kept trying to make an "I lik the bred" for it and failing but now I see my efforts were unnecessary.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:52 AM on September 20 [6 favorites]


She brings

Her own

Toilet paper


Mais, non. She brings paper towels. Big Bounty QuickerPickerUpper Scratchy-Ass OMG Bunghole of Steel giant wads of paper towels. And then leaves it. Next to the trash can specifically for (dog) poops.

I shan't speculate as to her political affiliation/affinities.
GOPoop
posted by petebest at 7:52 AM on September 20 [1 favorite]


She's training for an upcoming marathon or ultra and considers this to be part of same. It's not like there's going to be standard facilities at the actual race, so let's go ahead and get the pit crew used to it, huh?

Used to run a lot of trail races. Had this exchange with some other runners.

"Hey - we noticed you always go waaaaay back in the woods when you have to make a pit stop."

"You noticed that, huh?"
posted by lagomorphius at 10:13 AM on September 20


My theory is that she's just an asshole and she's doing what assholes do.
posted by P.o.B. at 10:45 AM on September 20 [4 favorites]


my name is jog
and when I runne
across the grass
under the sunne
i lik to squat
and push and squeeze
then wype the butte
and feel at ease.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:54 AM on September 20 [6 favorites]


"Dad, where's mum?"

"She said she had to drop the kids off at the pool. Wait, why are you still here?"
posted by quinndexter at 10:56 AM on September 20 [2 favorites]


I AM THE MAD POOPER WHAT POOPS AT MIDNIGHT! YEAH BABY YEAH!
posted by davelog at 11:01 AM on September 20 [5 favorites]


A learned colleague of mine / random acquaintance says that pooping in front of children will bring a felony child molestation charge in some states.

That said, I hope she can turn this around into some kinda Jazzercise-style moneymaker. And stop.
posted by petebest at 12:03 PM on September 20


Bunghole of Steel would be a good band name.
posted by homunculus at 12:12 PM on September 20


In case Colorado Springs needs a doody-hero - from the BBC: Woman trapped in window trying to retrieve poo after Tinder date
posted by nikoniko at 12:21 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]


Oh wow, that is horrifying. At least she's gotten her most embarrassing moment over with.
posted by AFABulous at 12:44 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]


5 minutes later: We regret to inform you that Window Poo Lady is a nazi.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:58 PM on September 20


Are we just going to cruise right past the more serious issue: The use of "Trouser"?
posted by srboisvert at 1:17 PM on September 20


Solution: garden hose

If you can't make her a friend, make her an enema.
posted by hal9k at 1:25 PM on September 20 [4 favorites]


(thank you mr. lobster)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:38 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]


Window poo lady was the subject of a different thread in this MetaFilter Month of Poop.
posted by Wordshore at 4:47 PM on September 20


Just caught the dog sneaking some kitty roca. He has no idea how lucky he is.
posted by mwhybark at 6:08 PM on September 20


Merde, she wrote...
posted by AJaffe at 7:50 PM on September 20 [4 favorites]




How did we miss this one from the same author?!

The Mad Pooper Is Not Alone: Your Best Stories Of Crapping On The Run
Daniel:
I once took a shit in the middle of a fartlek workout and didn’t miss a rep.

Daniel, again:
One time, I was running while holding a corn snake and had to stop and shit and a mountain biker rode by and asked, as my pants were around my ankles, “Is that a corn snake?”
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:01 PM on October 4


"Holding a corn snake" is a good euphemism for needing to poop
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:39 PM on October 4 [3 favorites]


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