An Important Question Answered
October 18, 2017 10:25 AM   Subscribe

 
why would he have a skeleton, why not be a helpful cephalopod
posted by poffin boffin at 10:34 AM on October 18 [71 favorites]


The full skeletons with proportional skulls clearly don't provide any sort of support for the observed facial features. On the other hand, having nothing below the skull doesn't allow for the observed ability to walk around, so we're clearly required to go with one of the hybrids that has a disproportionate skull.

(I misread the title originally as referring to the Hamburglar's skeleton, and didn't get what the big question was.)
posted by Four Ds at 10:34 AM on October 18 [11 favorites]


Pffft. There is no underlying skeleton. Clearly, the glove is an articulated, cartilaginous carapace holding together a sac of ichors and organelles.
posted by darkstar at 10:34 AM on October 18 [46 favorites]


Awesome! I sort of know the kid who came up with this, by way of his dad being in a couple of Facebook podcast fan groups that I'm in. He recently posted that he was so proud of his boy getting retweeted (for this very tweet!) by Paul F. Tompkins. And now he's made the Blue!
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:35 AM on October 18 [4 favorites]


it is clearly a cunning false flag operation from Big Squid
posted by poffin boffin at 10:35 AM on October 18 [10 favorites]


I always pictured it as some sort of amoeboid, disguising itself in a hand-like shape when you're looking
posted by Zonker at 10:36 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]


my eyes oh god my eyes
posted by Kitteh at 10:37 AM on October 18 [2 favorites]


He's a starfish in a clown costume and everyone knows it.
posted by maxsparber at 10:37 AM on October 18 [9 favorites]


I just assumed he was made of lots of smaller turtles stacked on top of each other, a different column of turtles for each individual finger.
posted by Fizz at 10:39 AM on October 18 [3 favorites]


There's nothing about those orifices that requires a skull. I'm going with food-science-modified cephalopod.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:42 AM on October 18 [5 favorites]


He seems to be of the same general phylum as the Kool-Aid Man.

A sort of gastrofacial clade, if you will.
posted by darkstar at 10:42 AM on October 18 [36 favorites]


Clippy is obviously a robo-planarian.
posted by darkstar at 10:45 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]


People, I'm trying to work today. This isn't helping.

Thank you!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:57 AM on October 18 [4 favorites]


It has been obvious to me since my youth that that glove is stuffed with ground beef. He is a Hamburger Helper in the sense that he is a helper made of hamburger.
posted by ejs at 10:59 AM on October 18 [37 favorites]


It has been obvious to me since my youth that that glove is stuffed with ground beef. He is a Hamburger Helper in the sense that he is a helper made of hamburger.

And soooo he's helping other humans eat his own kind, very Hannibal Lecter like.
posted by Fizz at 11:01 AM on October 18 [6 favorites]


This is how I spend the rest of the morning proving/disproving my theory that he's magical and therefore not bound by physical rules. Seems fairly mundane, you know, for a talking glove and all but in defense of the premise did find him holding a gondolier's pole semi-magically and at one point attached to a disembodied ARM which seemed anti-cannon maybe.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:02 AM on October 18 [2 favorites]


Ohhh, Hamburger Lecter would be an alright Halloween costume.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:03 AM on October 18 [21 favorites]


It...it's white!
GO ON...
It's...it's got five fingers!
DOES IT LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
posted by skullhead at 11:04 AM on October 18 [8 favorites]


Why does no one consider an exoskeleton?
posted by MrGuilt at 11:06 AM on October 18 [3 favorites]


I've thought about this a lot regarding Kool Aid Man - all the possibilities are pretty disturbing.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:07 AM on October 18 [2 favorites]


If he's modeled in 3D, he probably does have a skeleton. It's probably pretty boring.
posted by clawsoon at 11:12 AM on October 18 [4 favorites]


Can somebody please draw Hamburger Hellraiser
posted by oulipian at 11:13 AM on October 18 [14 favorites]


Why does no one consider an exoskeleton?

Because it clearly has flexible skin?
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:16 AM on October 18


Shoulda been more of a cross between the bones in the disembodied hand of Mickey Mouse, an alien facehugger, and the carcass of a terribly deformed Pillsbury Doughboy on a really sweltering day.

But you can't have everything.
posted by metagnathous at 11:24 AM on October 18 [1 favorite]


flexible skin? or microsegmented chitonous plates?
posted by poffin boffin at 11:25 AM on October 18 [15 favorites]


The skeleton's the easy part. Someone needs to figure out the respiratory and digestive system that allows him to talk to people and know what they would find acceptable to eat.
posted by AndrewInDC at 11:28 AM on October 18 [2 favorites]


i'm just saying this vertebrate hegemony is holding us back
posted by poffin boffin at 11:29 AM on October 18 [14 favorites]


it has 4 fingers. FOUR. why?????
posted by supermedusa at 11:34 AM on October 18


maybe the 5th one is the friends we made along the way
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on October 18 [38 favorites]


Ohhh, Hamburger Lecter would be an alright Halloween costume.

you people are killing with this thread
posted by supermedusa at 11:37 AM on October 18 [3 favorites]


Someone needs to figure out the respiratory and digestive system that allows him to talk to people and know what they would find acceptable to eat.

I’ll take “Things with cloaca and spiracles” for $500, Alex.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:47 AM on October 18 [4 favorites]


John Connor: So this other guy: he's a Hamburger Helper like you, right?

The Hamburger Helper: Not like me. A HH-1000, advanced prototype.

John Connor: You mean more advanced than you are?

The Hamburger Helper: Yes. A mimetic polyalloy.

John Connor: What the hell does that mean?

The Hamburger Helper: Liquid metal.
posted by Naberius at 11:51 AM on October 18 [16 favorites]


It’s an empty glove, devoid of bones, soul, or remorse.
posted by dephlogisticated at 11:53 AM on October 18 [15 favorites]


Cook with me if you want to live.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:53 AM on October 18 [24 favorites]


It's an octopus. There are 4 arms holding up the fingers. The remaining 4 arms allow HH to move, but are clad in green tights. It is basic green screen technology for the purpose of filming commercials. This is why you never recognize HH when you see them out in public.
posted by Emmy Rae at 11:55 AM on October 18 [8 favorites]


So those "HH" prison tattoos stand for Hamburger Helper?
posted by paper chromatographologist at 11:59 AM on October 18 [6 favorites]


This one is my favorite so far (which I see is a refinement of one in the article).
posted by ckape at 12:02 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


So those "HH" prison tattoos stand for Hamburger Helper?

I think we need to find out if there is a middle name involved here.
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:06 PM on October 18


One issue is that that fingers don't contain muscles. Many of the muscles that drive finger movement are located in the forearm, so it would be unlikely for the structure of HH to mirror that of a human hand.

In the same fashion, a normal skull would significantly interfere with the muscular that resides in the palm.

Clearly a land-going cephalopod, a toad to the octopod's frog. A tortoise to his turtle.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:10 PM on October 18 [5 favorites]


So those "HH" prison tattoos stand for Hamburger Helper?

I think we need to find out if there is a middle name involved here


His initials are H.H.H. And so his terrible secret origin is revealed.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:12 PM on October 18 [5 favorites]


Hamburger Hussein Helper.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:15 PM on October 18 [13 favorites]


Or did he author much of the Civil Rights Act and also propose making Communist Party membership a felony, thus a much more ambivalent character?
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:18 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]


One issue is that that fingers don't contain muscles. Many of the muscles that drive finger movement are located in the forearm, so it would be unlikely for the structure of HH to mirror that of a human hand.

"They call them fingers, but I never see them fing."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:19 PM on October 18 [3 favorites]


Can't decide if this makes the Arby's Oven Mitt more or less disturbing. But it definitely is making me rethink everything I thought I knew about Kool-Aid Man
posted by Mchelly at 12:21 PM on October 18 [4 favorites]


Kool-Aid Man has legs, which Oven Mitt, Hamburger Helper and Clippy all lack. If my previous octopus theory is incorrect, I think it is more likely that the former is a different type of life-form altogether and the latter three evolved from the same ancestor.
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:25 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Hubert Humphrey is a famous Minnesotan. General Mills/Betty Crocker is also from MN which means the Hamburger Helper glove is a Minnesotan as well. Humphrey is on the Left politically. From Mr. Helper's Wiki: The Hamburger Helper mascot is the "Helping Hand" or "Lefty"

This means something. This is important.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 12:26 PM on October 18 [8 favorites]


flexible skin? or microsegmented chitonous plates?
posted by poffin boffin at 1:25 PM on October 18 [3 favorites +] [!]

So long as the chitonous plates are sufficiently microscopic, the skin should maintain enough flexibility so that true bliss may be attained.

Then it's only a matter of locating an appropriate prey.

(Hangurber.)
posted by metagnathous at 12:27 PM on October 18


The Hamburger Helper mascot is the "Helping Hand" or "Lefty"

So that rules out the invisible hand.

I smell a communist plot.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:27 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Well. It looks like it's time to stop asking questions.
posted by tommasz at 12:27 PM on October 18


The questions arose because someone decided to explore eldritch horrors through the medium of puppetry. We can't unring that bell now.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:29 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Clippy is a member of the alien Technarchy, a la Warlock.
posted by Sprocket at 12:33 PM on October 18


I thought most of them were funny. Now, this other thing from Nerdist... this is horrifying.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:36 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]


Or did he author much of the Civil Rights Act and also propose making Communist Party membership a felony, thus a much more ambivalent character?

---

Hubert Humphrey is a famous Minnesotan. General Mills/Betty Crocker is also from MN which means the Hamburger Helper glove is a Minnesotan as well. Humphrey is on the Left politically. From Mr. Helper's Wiki: The Hamburger Helper mascot is the "Helping Hand" or "Lefty"

This means something. This is important.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage


Image search for the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome and tell me that doesn't look like the mature stage of whatever organism this damn Helper larva is
posted by the phlegmatic king at 12:36 PM on October 18 [5 favorites]


I don't see why we can't just accept that he's everyone's imaginary invisible friend wearing a white glove with two fingers in one of the fingerholes (the last two, obvs) and the mouth is moving by magic.
posted by numaner at 12:43 PM on October 18


Actually, he's supported by a system of bladders...
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:46 PM on October 18 [9 favorites]


Well, there's something sinister about the Hamburger Helper, that's for sure
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:50 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


And soooo he's helping other humans eat his own kind, very Hannibal Lecter like.

"Might I suggest, Clarice, an al dente penne and Hamburger Helper mélange served with a nice chianti... PFT-FTH-FTH-FTH-FTH-FTH-FTH-FTH-FTH!!!"
posted by spoobnooble II: electric bugaboo at 12:57 PM on October 18 [3 favorites]


At the end of the day, Slarty Bartast, aren't we all? Aren't we all?
posted by Naberius at 1:09 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Actually, he's supported by a system of bladders...
posted by Slarty Bartfast

And if you take that glove off he'll get pregnant
posted by bleep at 1:09 PM on October 18


it has 4 fingers. FOUR. why?????
posted by supermedusa at 1:34 PM on October 18


There's something going on over at General Mills. The Helping Hand has 4 fingers. The Pillsbury Doughboy has no fingers or only a thumb depending on iteration. Sonny the Cukoo Bird (Cocoa Puffs), Chip the Dog (Cookie Crisp), the Trix Rabbit, BuzzBee (Honey Nut Cheerios) all have fingers and opposable thumbs.

I'm starting to think this whole "what's inside the glove" thing is an attempt to distract us from the much more Dr Moreau-like experiments going on over at The Big G.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 1:14 PM on October 18 [8 favorites]


“His is the House of Pain. “His is the Hand that makes. “His is the Hand that wounds. “His is the Hand that heals.”
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:22 PM on October 18 [4 favorites]


I wonder if he's related to Thing?
posted by emjaybee at 1:30 PM on October 18 [4 favorites]


This thread. This thread is the best thing.
posted by biscotti at 1:31 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]


Hamburger Helper is clearly another iteration of M.O.D.O.K.
posted by ursus_comiter at 3:31 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


It has been obvious to me since my youth that that glove is stuffed with ground beef. He is a Hamburger Helper in the sense that he is a helper made of hamburger.

I never before stopped to query my own internal assumptions on this (why would I?), but this is also what I believe. Glove full of cooked ground beef, animated by magic.

WHY ARE THERE BONES
posted by limeonaire at 3:41 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


microsegmented chitonous plates

User name helper.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:45 PM on October 18 [7 favorites]


microsegmented chitonous plates

User name helper.



I'm seriously leaning toward Gastrofacial Clade as my next D&D character...


...or maybe save that one for Shadowrun.
posted by darkstar at 3:54 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]


Can somebody please draw Hamburger Hellraiser

OK.
posted by Zalzidrax at 4:08 PM on October 18 [19 favorites]


I may have written slash about this character. And then tripperfunster made art for it.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 4:25 PM on October 18 [6 favorites]


I always imagine slash for HH and OM involved an arm that basically has each of them at each end.

Or, they're on the hands of the Kool-Aid Man.

sorry for the image
posted by numaner at 4:33 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Shoulda been more of a cross between the bones in the disembodied hand of Mickey Mouse, an alien facehugger, and the carcass of a terribly deformed Pillsbury Doughboy on a really sweltering day.

I'd LOVE to see Hamburger Helper rendered as a facehugger-stage xenomorph.
posted by zakur at 4:59 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


It has been obvious to me since my youth that that glove is stuffed with ground beef. He is a Hamburger Helper in the sense that he is a helper made of hamburger.

Paging Terry Bisson. Mr. Terry Bisson to the white courtesy telephone.
posted by Naberius at 5:04 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


3 wet noodles and a dry flavor pack walk into a bar.
posted by clavdivs at 5:48 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Two words: albino shoggoth.
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:12 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]


Does anyone else find it strange that this far into this particular thread LobsterMitten is a no-show?
posted by Mike Mongo at 6:56 PM on October 18 [7 favorites]


OK, the mouth is actually a stigmata. The hand is a relic of Jesus -- a "helper" for those who are hungry, allowing a single pound of ground beef to feed a multitude. It's not a mascot -- it's a miracle. And ironically, "Miracle Whip" is entirely the work of the devil.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:12 PM on October 18 [5 favorites]


Can somebody please draw Hamburger Hellraiser

Excuse me, I need to go make an appointment with my tattoo artist.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:23 PM on October 18


Can somebody please draw Hamburger Hellraiser

OK.


"The box! You opened it, we came!"
posted by oulipian at 7:37 PM on October 18 [6 favorites]


Clearly this is a job for Michael Paulus.
posted by bassomatic at 7:38 PM on October 18 [4 favorites]


I have not eaten hamburger helper since the late '70s. I'm okay with that. This post makes me much more than okay with that. I'm okay with this post.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 12:31 AM on October 19 [1 favorite]


Hamburger Helper really is fine by itself.
posted by rhizome at 12:34 AM on October 19 [1 favorite]


If you sit on your left arm until it falls asleep, the spirit of Hamburger Helper will inhabit it and will show you things you didn't think possible.
posted by maxwelton at 2:00 AM on October 19 [10 favorites]


it will also show you things you didn't want to know was possible
posted by numaner at 4:05 PM on October 19


LISA NEEDS BRACES
posted by rhizome at 5:35 PM on October 19


I don’t know why they insist on calling it Hamburger Helper. Me and my buddies ate plenty of plain old Helper back in my poor as heck years.

This was not a nod to vegetarianism, but more of a nod to poverty and bad taste.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 7:53 PM on October 19


It'll always be a nod to Randy Quaid to me.
posted by rhizome at 8:52 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]


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