Dark chocolate hasn’t had a glass of Merlot since it saw 𝘚𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴

November 1, 2017 12:26 AM

Milk Chocolate Is Better Than Dark, the End
posted by Johnny Wallflower (114 comments total)

dark chocolate is chalky. It doesn’t melt so much as it, for the most part, crumbles.

Don't tar all dark chocolate with your foul Hershey's brush!
posted by KateViolet at 12:37 AM on November 1, 2017 [37 favorites]

I eat baking chocolate. Because it is bitter. And because it is my heart.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:44 AM on November 1, 2017 [57 favorites]

Sometimes I wonder if sweetened chocolate candies should be viewed as a symbol of European imperialism. Like, wouldn't it be best to consumed it in the original bitter drink form?

My chocolate-loving friends spend a lot of time ignoring me.
posted by surlyben at 12:46 AM on November 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

I just can't do this sort of outrage over other people's taste preferences anymore, despite what the author is saying. Maybe I'm defective.

You only love milk chocolate? That's great. You only love Dark chocolate? That's great too. Like them both, like I do? That's great too. Hate chocolate all together? That's great too. Hate all candy? That's great too. Live how you like. You do you. Enjoy your life. Have a nice day. Seriously. There are 7+ billion human beings on this planet. I can no longer care that some like things I don't. I just can't.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 12:46 AM on November 1, 2017 [136 favorites]

Though to be fair, some of the lines in the piece were kinda funny.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 12:48 AM on November 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

While milk chocolate may taste better, I can't justify eating it every day "for my health" (which is exactly what I do with dark chocolate).
posted by lollymccatburglar at 12:55 AM on November 1, 2017 [7 favorites]

I must break you.
posted by PenDevil at 1:05 AM on November 1, 2017

I can no longer care that some like things I don't. I just can't.

Then you are wrong, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Here's a product that can fix that, though. It's new!
posted by flabdablet at 1:05 AM on November 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

Wow, how idiotic.

As, pantalones says, well, good for him.

I actually keep several bars of 85% Lindt chocolate in the cupboard at all times. For me, it is the perfect balance of sweetness, bitterness, creaminess. I admit that less than that (70%) starts to become too creamy and cloying. More than that is too dark and bitter. Again, thats for me. That is why they sell a range of bars.

It is called balance. Too much salt will kill almost any food and leave a burning taste on your lips. That doesn't mean all food should be salt-less which is his argument I suppose.
posted by vacapinta at 1:08 AM on November 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Milk or dark, my preference is whatever kind you have got and are willing to give me. White chocolate disgusts me, but I mean if you are just handing it out, I guess I will take it off your hands.
posted by Literaryhero at 1:12 AM on November 1, 2017 [26 favorites]

Several years ago, my then-jr high age son took issue with "fun size" candy bars. Specifically, he thought that full-size bars were more "fun" that those that could be consumed with a couple of bites and he called the local Mars factory to (politely) discuss the matter. Obviously, he didn't move the powers-that-be to reconsider the size names, but he did receive a thank you from the company and a generous supply of coupons for free products.
posted by she's not there at 1:14 AM on November 1, 2017 [32 favorites]

I have taken an informal survey among my more adventurous friends, and we can confirm that people who prefer milk to dark chocolate are worse, on average, in bed.
posted by 1adam12 at 1:16 AM on November 1, 2017 [14 favorites]

"I don't hate any chocolate any more. I don't. There's chocolate I don't eat; that's as far as I take it. When I was 25, not only did I not eat certain chocolate, I'd fucking let you know. Ten minutes at a time! 'Hey, lemme tell you something about HERSHEY'S and NESTLÉ man, those—no! No! You don't know, man, because those guys—the only reason Hershey's makes that chocolate that way is because it's cheaper and it makes them more money.'"

—Patton Oswalt, probably
posted by jsnlxndrlv at 1:24 AM on November 1, 2017 [10 favorites]

The consensus really should be American candy is gross and why don’t we know better? I had some rolos the other week which I used to love when I lived in the US and I was like why is my mouth filled with dust and lies right now? After a decade plus of Whittakers, candy from the States tastes like an alien read a description of candy and then reverse engineered it from pencil shavings. Cast aside your shackles fellow Americans! We need not live under the tyranny of the Hershey bar!

Still love m&ms tho.
posted by supercrayon at 1:27 AM on November 1, 2017 [13 favorites]

There are so many things people disagree on, and often vehemently, that I think we need pointless differences like these to argue about. It keeps the blood flowing and the brain sharp.

Having said that, I have a sweet tooth so I'll more often pick milk over dark. You just can't binge-eat a whole family block of dark chocolate like you can milk chocolate.
posted by Start with Dessert at 1:37 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

This is where I typically pipe up with "your chocolate is made by child slaves in Côte d'Ivoire while mine is made by fairly paid farmers in a commune in Ecuador and costs $23.50 a bar so I'll have it just as dark as I like tyvm."

But I did buy ten 1.8 oz bars of Tony's Milk Chocolate last night to hand to the neighbors to hand out while I sat in the dark hiding from people who know how to have fun.
posted by darksasami at 1:43 AM on November 1, 2017 [9 favorites]

Meanwhile, for those of us slumming with the chocolate bought in bags for the holidays, fivethirtynine has The Ultimate Halloween Candy Power Ranking, with the top ten dominated by chocolate candies with peanuts/peanut butter and specifically Reese's everything. The top two non-peanut goodies are Twix and Kit Kat (Classic, not any of the crazy Japanese flavors) and I can't argue with that.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:46 AM on November 1, 2017

As I pointed out to Johnny Wallflower earlier, milk chocolate is post war rationing in Britain and not much more. Please stop, milk chocolate, it's really for the best as far as all concerned go.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 2:04 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'd live and let live, but dark chocolate is crowding milk chocolate off the shelves, perhaps because of the ludicrous fantasy that it is healthy to eat.
posted by thelonius at 2:08 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

slumming with the chocolate bought in bags for the holidays

Make an omlette with fun-size bars this morning!
posted by thelonius at 2:15 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Don't tar all dark chocolate with your foul Hershey's brush

Hershey's is chocolate? Who knew.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 2:15 AM on November 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Wow, how idiotic.

I think that's the point.
posted by flabdablet at 2:15 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Don't tar all dark chocolate with your foul Hershey's brush

Hershey's is chocolate? Who knew.

No, it's tar.

Not even fresh tar.
posted by flabdablet at 2:16 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I heard the quality of the chocolate coming out of the Hershey, Pennsylvania plant actually improved slightly after the nuclear accident at Three Mile Island right down the road...
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:35 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

>The Ultimate Halloween Candy Power Ranking

i didn't even know that many kinds of Halloween candies existed. Like, I've done the whole rank-the-Halloween-candies thing on my own, too, but the most I could ever think up was twenty-something.

(Number one was Hershey's Milk Chocolate.)
posted by KChasm at 2:46 AM on November 1, 2017

I've never agreed with an article more.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:55 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I encourage everyone to agree with the author, because it means there will be more uneaten dark chocolate left for me. Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate, and even the cheapest is delicious and satisfying in the same way as hot smoke, straight whiskey, and black coffee. Milk chocolate just tastes like sugar.
posted by heatvision at 3:08 AM on November 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

I'm amazed and disappointed in myself that this article, specifically and winkingly written to tease me, is still managing to tease me.

Most dark chocolate is, indeed, quite bad. As bad as most milk chocolate is. But when the chocolate gets good, dark is generally better than milk. We have a monthly subscription to Cocoa Runners, which sends of 4 bars of craft chocolate by post every month, from small producers all over the world. Some are chalky, most could never be described as chalky. Some are bitter, most could never be described as bitter. Recently our subscription got reset, and we started getting a few milk chocolate bars in with the dark ones. They're... not as nice. They're fine, but the flavours are dampened. Sweet only has one flavour.

But this article isn't about these kinda chocolates. I recognise that. We're both saying "chocolate" and thinking about different things.

I'd rather eat the cheapest, sweetest milk chocolate than a bar of Cadbury's Bournville. Bad dark chocolate is really, really bad.
posted by distorte at 3:13 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

#teamdark
posted by UnoDosTresEsto at 3:17 AM on November 1, 2017

Do you enjoy being reminded that the treat (“treat”) you are eating has been extruded from a crushed-up plant?

Actually... yes, I'm okay with being reminded about that. Especially when I consider what the alternatives might be.

Otherwise I don't totally disagree with her about the texture of a lot of dark chocolate, even though I like some bitterness. But there is a solution: high-cocoa milk chocolate! Hachez 55% cocoa milk chocolate is amazing (although I think it cheats slightly by adding hazelnut paste) and even Cadbury "Dark Milk" isn't bad.

Don't tar all dark chocolate with your foul Hershey's brush

The first time I tried Hershey's (which was while I was travelling, because it was either unavailable or very rare in Adelaide at the time) I thought it must have been stored improperly, because it had obviously gone bad. Maybe rancid. Little did I know!
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 3:28 AM on November 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

5. Dark Chocolate Is a Marxist Nightmare
Dark chocolate celebrates, in the most literal way possible, conspicuous consumption.

And okay, haha, it's all a funny joke and the author is not even bothering to finish her sentences, but whatever about dark vs light chocolate, on the question of fancy bean-to-bar chocolate: it does feel quite nice, after 200 years of colonial siphoning, to be able to buy some chocolate from the communities that grow it, where it is processed and manufactured in its country of origin. Which is increasingly possible as bean-to-bar becomes more popular.

Sorry, I am just being so boringly predictably baited by this.
posted by distorte at 3:31 AM on November 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Though to be fair, some of the lines in the piece were kinda funny.

Apparently, I did not read that far. I guess I'm unfair, then.

However, Macs are better than Chevys.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:46 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate, but there is so much crap dark choco out there, a lot of it absurdly expensive, because of the usual boutique-fetish bandwagoning that happens whenever something has gained sufficient attention that the untalented craftspeople and cynical entrepreneurs have rushed in to flood the market.

I mean, yeah, sometimes a bar I really like costs somewhere around twenty bucks. But part of the reason why I like dark choco is that for me, when it's really good, popping a piece in my mouth is so overwhelming that I don't need any more. So I'll chip away at that bar, one sub-pinky-nail-sized-piece at a time, for months. Ultimately I'm spending less on chocolate than somebody who's treating themselves to a Hershey's bar every week. Especially because I usually buy my fancy choco bars shortly after Christmas when they're discounted to a couple bucks each. Two or three are enough for a year. Choco bars last forever, folks! That's part of why they're staples in military rations!

And to be honest, milk chocolate tastes okay. A good quality milk choco with its bona fides is usually going to be better than a random dark choco in a wrapper that tries a little too hard to impress you with how gourmet-approved it is. And, for that matter, the mega-huge candy companies do a better job with milk chocolate than dark. Hershey's regular is barely chocolate at all, but Hershey's Dark is sugared caulking. M&Ms Dark leaves a burning sensation in the mouth where M&Ms milk chocolates are delicious mouth toys of sweetness. Everything has its place, and maybe dark chocolate has an elevated place in my world but I'm willing to make room for milk chocolate too.
posted by ardgedee at 4:18 AM on November 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

A stupid thing to write in the first place, and stupid to post again here.

If you read the piece, you might find the bit in the introduction where the author wryly cops to the fact that all these internet ranking pieces have a set formula designed to elicit an almost Pavlovian response in the reader, which she goes on to humorously exploit/satirise.

Also, team dark, myself. I like my chocolate to taste more like chocolate.
posted by Diablevert at 4:24 AM on November 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Why is it so hard for some people to grasp that "bitter" is one of those areas that different people have a very different experience of the exact same food? I can drink coffee without sugar, but not without milk--which, no, does not cover up the nuance of the coffee flavor to me, because black coffee to me just tastes like bitterness and nothing else. Chocolate is much the same; I wanted to get into dark chocolate as all the "healthy" people I knew got into dark chocolate, but I came believe that at least for me, the portion control of it all was going to come from the fact that I didn't WANT more than a tiny square at once, which I would nibble at like a little mouse, trying to get a quantity into my mouth where I could actually taste the chocolate in it without it being overwhelmed, but even then I didn't really like it. It's the taste equivalent of going to a very loud bar where I can't hear anybody talk the whole time. The individual flavors are just lost.

Many of the companies that make very good dark chocolate also make very good milk chocolate, and I will take that any day of the week. I won't assume that nobody genuinely likes dark chocolate, or black coffee. But I do think some people who don't really prefer dark chocolate are currently trying very hard to prefer dark chocolate because it's the current more socially acceptable thing to do, and just... you know, if you're out there, it's good to know you aren't the only one.
posted by Sequence at 4:25 AM on November 1, 2017 [10 favorites]

“Do you like chocolate?”
“Yeah … with milk and sugar.”
“Agent Cooper LOVES chocolate.”
“But Agent Cooper likes his chocolate... dark.”
posted by kersplunk at 4:37 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I adore dark chocolate and this writer is wrong about everything. Philip Bump is totally right about the Krackle, though. Those things are delicious.
posted by backwards compatible at 4:43 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I had to stop reading the piece when the author cited About.com, which is an indication that, on some unseen level, they must not like themselves very much. And people have different tastes and de gustibus non est disputandum and not all chocolate is equal, and so on and so forth, and if someone doesn't like dark chocolate, that's fine--more for me, me, meeeeeeeee.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:46 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

You just can't binge-eat a whole family block of dark chocolate like you can milk chocolate.

Challenge accepted!
posted by Slothrup at 4:51 AM on November 1, 2017 [13 favorites]

Philip Bump is totally right about the Krackle

Wait, I thought it is spelled "Krackel"
posted by thelonius at 4:54 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am forever amused by people spending extra for that extra percentage of "cocoa mass". LOL
Clue: Cocoa mass is not as valuable as the cocoa butter you give up for that mass. You're being charged more for less. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My husband is Belgian. We speak fluent Chocolate.
posted by Goofyy at 4:58 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Funny article taken seriously, no over seriously, no no, silly reaction to a comic article on a silly season holiday refuted humorously (with a serious tone) -- no no no, seriously silly super sumptuous.... aw nevermind
posted by sammyo at 5:00 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

All I have to say is The Atlantic ain't what it used to be.
posted by briank at 5:01 AM on November 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

The best dark chocolate I buy here is the dark chocolate from Aldi which is not really bitter enough to qualify as craft dark chocolate but is just a bit less sweet than what is otherwise sold as milk chocolate with other brands.
posted by solarion at 5:32 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Cocoa mass is not as valuable as the cocoa butter you give up for that mass. You're being charged more for less.

If you like white chocolate, you can just say so. Of course, there are some who would argue that it isn't even chocolate. But, I'm sure Mefi wouldn't bean(to bar) plate something like that.
posted by FJT at 5:38 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

White chocolate is basically hand lotion. It's perfectly nice as long as it's applied topically rather than ingested.
posted by asperity at 5:51 AM on November 1, 2017 [14 favorites]

"Well, there's no sense fighting over taste!"

"Nonsense my dear boy! It's the only thing worth fighting about!"

--Trevanian
posted by Standeck at 5:55 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

There are worse fates than white chocolate in this world. Hershey's Cookies N Creme bars, originally made with cocoa butter and billed as white chocolate, switched their recipe some years ago; now the "creme" is derived from a combination of vegetable oils combined with nonfat milk.
posted by duffell at 6:07 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

White chocolate is basically hand lotion. It's perfectly nice as long as it's applied topically rather than ingested.

*Enthusiastically rubs bar of white chocolate all over body.*

*Winds up disappointed and slightly sticky.*
posted by soundguy99 at 6:20 AM on November 1, 2017 [12 favorites]

I would say that The Atlantic is the Candy Corn of middlebrow clickbait, but I believe that I like Candy Corn more than that.
posted by codacorolla at 6:25 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Dark chocolate hasn’t had a glass of Merlot since it saw 𝘚𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴

I'm curious about this bit of apparent snobbery, from the article. It's true that Sideways hurt Merlot sales, but that was because a younger audience was unaware of Merlot's baggage symbolism (suggesting effeteness to a certain generation, and by rejecting it, asserting masculinity). But what has it to do with dark chocolate? I just hope they wiped all the snot off their faces before they did these taste tests, for accuracy, and breathing while chewing.
posted by Brian B. at 6:28 AM on November 1, 2017

"Boom. Scienced."

Longing for that future day when this class of affectation has disappeared.
posted by tummy_rub at 6:33 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Cocoa mass is not as valuable as the cocoa butter you give up for that mass.

If for some reason you are stuck eating commodity chocolate, you're better off going dark for that very reason, since American/conglomerate producers these days replace the cocoa butter with PGPR and this is why those chocolates are gross as all hell
posted by halation at 6:38 AM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

(not that PGPR doesn't get bunged into dark chocolate too, and not that it isn't also gross, but I tend to find it slightly less gross, personally)
posted by halation at 6:39 AM on November 1, 2017

I like eating dark chocolate whilst drinking Merlot, and now I don't know who I am anymore.
posted by teaspoon at 6:41 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Also, dark chocolate is chalky. It doesn’t melt so much as it, for the most part, crumbles. (quoting from the article).

An effective way to cope with this is to combine dark chocolate with a hot beverage, which warms the mouth and helps to melt the chocolate. Hot chocolate is best (and also adds milk solids), but herbal teas, coffees and warmed liquors--such as rum, cognac and the like--do the job as well.

Also, as noted above, dark--or even bitter--chocolate is magnificent in baked desserts, like chocolate chip cookies. The bitterness cuts down on the sweetness of these desserts and makes for a great contrast in flavors.
posted by Gordion Knott at 6:41 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I clicked through the obvious clickbait title, read the first paragraphs, and thought "oh, hahah, this is really about how matters of taste have become matters of virtue. Touché." Then I scanned the rest and realized, no, she's really following through on that clickbait title.

I mean, I prefer milk chocolate myself, but that's weak.
posted by adamrice at 6:50 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

THE FUCKING HELL IT IS
posted by bondcliff at 6:54 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

This "deep milk chocolate" is pretty sensational.
posted by BibiRose at 6:57 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Eh, the runaway hit last night with the kids were Smarties. They seemed unsure about, of all things, the mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:07 AM on November 1, 2017

I mean, different dark chocolates are different. Like just shopping at Trader Joes, I don't like these bars at all - texture or taste-wise. I think these ones are just about the perfect dark chocolate bar. HOWEVER, as is Trader Joe's fashion, they USED to stock a different kind of bar that was my absolute favorite, but don't seem to carry it anymore and I can't recall what it looks like.

Do I turn my nose up at milk chocolate? Certainly not at halloween where I eat my share of fun size crunch bars.
posted by muddgirl at 7:07 AM on November 1, 2017

You know who makes a really good milk chocolate? Lake Champlain Chocolates. Unfortunately, no one around here carries them anymore.

Although honestly literally any European chocolate is better than American, which is sad. I'm not talking about things like Snickers, where - if you like that sort of thing - the point isn't so much the chocolate as the whole thing together, but pretty much any American plain chocolate up to and including many small makers. With the exception of Lake Champlain chocolates, which are just exceptional, Aldi chocolate and those Merci mini-bar packs are better than pretty much anything you can get here.

Europeans of my acquaintance just plain old aren't interested in American candy. The Americans will be sitting there unable to stop picking at the candy bowl, the Europeans treat it like it's not even there.
posted by Frowner at 7:15 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

At the intersection of chocolate-ish things and the most popular Halloween candy, white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups have got to be the weirdest candy I've tried.

It's not a good combination.
posted by allegedly at 7:17 AM on November 1, 2017

Epicurious got into this debate a few years ago - pro-Dark and anti-Dark.

Personally, I think people can like what they like. The only chocolate I legitimately hate is cheap Easter chocolate. That stuff is the worst - an insult to chocolate and to food and to candy and to Easter.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:18 AM on November 1, 2017

I don't really see the appeal of the bitter end of dark chocolate - especially 80% and up. It's not a competition to have a higher cacao percentage.

Personal favourite is Cote d'Or Noir de Noir, which is a great Belgian dark chocolate at 56%.
posted by allegedly at 7:21 AM on November 1, 2017

Although honestly literally any European chocolate is better than American, which is sad. [...] pretty much any American plain chocolate up to and including many small makers.

I've had many European and American-made chocolate from small makers in the past few years, and I have to say I've had some truly great American ones. Ritual and Dick Taylor are two that come to mind. Ritual might have the most consistently amazing selection of bars I've ever tasted. Top three anyway.

My impression is a lot like American beers—you are great at integrating global influences and really ramping up flavours, sometimes to a damaging degree but at the same time producing some of the most unique, delicious chocolate anywhere.

In general, talking about small producers, the quality does not seem to depend much on the country of manufacture, or at least people are making great chocolate everywhere. I've had really great and not so great bars from Madagascar, Peru, Colombia, Vietnam, Austria. For some reason the French aren't, in my experience, great at bean-to-bar. I've had an unusually high quality from English makers lately, but that might be proximity.
posted by distorte at 7:31 AM on November 1, 2017

The only chocolate I legitimately hate is cheap Easter chocolate.

That stuff is sneaking its way into Halloween as well, typically looking like a pumpkin or something wrapped in foil. I'll eat Herseys all day, so not a chocolate snob, and that stuff tastes like wax.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:33 AM on November 1, 2017

I prefer dark chocolate and am respectfully okay with everybody else choosing the milk variety.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:16 AM on November 1, 2017

My taste in chocolate is so obviously the correct one I'll spare those of you who hold the incorrect opinion the embarrassment of learning that you are wrong in a public forum.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:28 AM on November 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

Although honestly literally any European chocolate is better than American

I like Ghiradelli.
posted by Diablevert at 8:38 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Too many preservatives in most milk chocolate. No vanillin for me, thanks (sorry Nutella.)

Godiva is terrible chocolate btw. In all varieties. Blech.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 8:39 AM on November 1, 2017

Instead of being pure chocolate like we have today, it was mixed with shredded tobacco. And they didn't eat it, they smoked it.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 9:07 AM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

WHITE CHOCOLATE 4EVA
posted by Omnomnom at 9:14 AM on November 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

Godiva is terrible chocolate btw. In all varieties. Blech.

That's because it's basically Hershey's made into fancy shapes with some goo inside.
posted by holborne at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2017

Godiva is terrible chocolate btw. In all varieties. Blech.

100% agree, Godiva is crap. The place to go is Leonidas.
posted by Fidel Cashflow at 9:32 AM on November 1, 2017

However, Macs are better than Chevys.

Don't you know better than to start another eMacs vs. Che-vi war, Kirth?

(Dark chocolate for life! And honestly I use pico, because I like watching command line gurus sputter apoplectically)
posted by caution live frogs at 9:39 AM on November 1, 2017

So the Philosopher Kings are out on this one. Time for war, I guess.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2017

Whoppers are okay but why are their coatings so shiny

I'm eating Whoppers right now. They're not even a little bit shiny.
posted by gurple at 9:55 AM on November 1, 2017

Keep dissing white chocolate. Just keep dissing it, I'm going to have to cut all y'all motherfuckers.


Metafilter: I'm going to have to cut all y'all motherfuckers.
posted by Naberius at 10:09 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I don't really see the appeal of the bitter end of dark chocolate - especially 80% and up. It's not a competition to have a higher cacao percentage.

I have only anecdotal evidence to support this, but I have found a correlation in my life of people who like things like dark coffee and the higher cacao % chocolate with the variety of foods they were presented at a much younger age or who've had some kind of flavour reset. Food being very tied to memory and nostalgia and all, it makes a bit of sense that flavors set in as good/bad because of experiences you've had with them.

In my house, bitter was a flavor that was presented only through a failure - generally only present in foods when it was burnt. It took me into my 20's to avoid a visceral reaction to bitter in things like drip coffee, chocolate, or in things like Agnostura bitters or Campari. I had the same issue with umami flavours like mushroom and fish sauce.

To contrast, sweet was everywhere in my house growing up. The flavor answer to any food was to add something sweet to it (salad dressings, Kraft barbecue sauces, etc.) The only chocolate I had up until my 20's was semi-sweet or milk.

Somewhere around 25, my now-wife and I gave up sugar for a month (minus natural sugars in fruit.) Over that month, my flavor palate completely shifted - I realized that when sweet is present, it makes it challenging to taste very much else unless it's overpowering. I had no idea yogurt was actually sour, and after a month of sour yogurt I realized I actually liked sour yogurt. Plus now the higher percentage chocolates and darker coffees now taste more than just bitter - when paired with something sweeter (like a port), you get a bunch of complex complimentary flavors. Campari still sucks.

My wife and I plan another reset month after Halloween season, as I find that over time I get less and less reactive to sweet and thus it takes more and more to satisfy me.
posted by notorious medium at 10:50 AM on November 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

The only line in the sand I draw when it comes to chocolate is the fair trade one. For whatever reason, there are more dark chocolate bars from ethical sources than milk, and I have never seen a fair trade white chocolate bar.
posted by domo at 11:11 AM on November 1, 2017

When dark chocolate is bad, it is bad. When milk chocolate is bad, it is meh. When milk chocolate is good, it's pretty damn good. When dark chocolate is good it is amazingly good. Of course the Hersey's dark is going to be in the bottom of the bag. It's disgusting. Unfortunately, so are all mass produced American dark chocolate bars.

Ok, going to go buy on sale leftover candy.
posted by Hactar at 11:12 AM on November 1, 2017

mods i flagged this post as offensive but it hasn't been deleted yet

mods

dO SOMETHING
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I have never seen a fair trade white chocolate bar.

domo, I give you the extremely confusingly named Green and Black's white chocolate.

It has visible vanilla seeds and is amazingly delicious.
posted by teaspoon at 11:50 AM on November 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'm super perplexed by the wide variety of people taking this article seriously, and arguing against it. It's satire, y'all, and it's pretty funny.

#yesallchocolate
posted by nonmerci at 12:08 PM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

White chocolate is the best chocolate, and most good white chocolate has a higher cacao percentage than a lot of milk chocolate does anyway.
posted by koeselitz at 1:07 PM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's not a competition to have a higher cacao percentage
it is in my family. imagine my excitement when I found this
posted by KateViolet at 1:20 PM on November 1, 2017

I don't understand how Hershey is the bottom of the chocolate bag when Baby Ruths still exist.

Also, chocolate is not candy and I'm willing to fight over this.
posted by rhizome at 2:48 PM on November 1, 2017

It is hard to believe this hasn't been posted in this thread yet:

a new study, which finds that people who prefer bitter tastes are more likely to have psychopathic personality traits
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 3:08 PM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

^The results, set to be published in the journal Appetite, show that people who said they liked bitter tastes were more likely to report "malevolent personality traits," even when controlling for sweet, sour, and salty tastes. Bitter foods included coffee, radishes, beer, tonic water, and celery. Compared to other flavors, bitterness was the biggest predictor of psychopathic personality traits.
posted by Brian B. at 3:27 PM on November 1, 2017

So is this where a UKian can come and ask why a lot of the American chocolate I've tried tastes faintly of vomit? I mean, I know the chemical reason... I'm wondering why anyone thinks this is a good idea.

Anyways, a friend of ours has just set up as a chocolatier in Exeter, and we are on the Official Tasting Panel, so all is good.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 3:51 PM on November 1, 2017

I'm wondering why anyone thinks this is a good idea

it lets them claim a lower-fat product on the nutritional labeling. it's also cheaper to manufacture, so they make more money selling the same size bar at the same price.
posted by halation at 4:01 PM on November 1, 2017

If you think you don't like dark chocolate, I'd ask you to try Lindt's dark chocolate truffles (in the blue foil) and even their extra dark truffles (in the black foil).

If you don't like those then yeah, you definitely don't like dark chocolate.
posted by asteria at 4:11 PM on November 1, 2017

Scharffenberger had the best chocolate I ever tasted, the "dark milk" bar. 68% cacao in a milk chocolate bar. Too bad Hershey's bought 'em out.
posted by k8oglyph at 4:17 PM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I really like whatever company gives Trader Joe's their generic chocolate bars - all types, but the dark chocolate especially.
posted by codacorolla at 4:34 PM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Previously.

Milk chocolate is delicious and fatty and satisfying. Dark chocolate makes my mouth hurt. I wouldn't care what other people think, but I have a reputation as someone who loves chocolate and thus when people give me chocolate as a gift they give me dark chocolate, because that's what people who like chocolate are supposed to like.

This last year my family gave me fancy little milk chocolates from the chocolatier down the hill from us and I was so very happy. My daughter's mind was blown: "They cost two dollars! EACH!"
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:55 PM on November 1, 2017

The Wikipedia article on Cocoa butter claims that in the US, products labeled chocolate must contain 100 percent Cocoa butter, whereas in the EU, only 95 percent is required.
posted by jamjam at 5:03 PM on November 1, 2017

Coveture. I don't care if you buy dark, or milk, or white. Once you have coveture... well... there really isn't conparrison. You have tour solids, you have your coco butters, you have your fats, and everything is aligned perfectly to give you the perfect chocolate sheen as it cools...

And yes, i will eat any and every chocolate, but i have a separate pedistal in my heart where i place a 10 pound block of perfect Coveture...

Coveture is not a brand. It is a quality and well... a chocolate AoC so to speak.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:12 PM on November 1, 2017

When I was a kid I used to save the pith from pecans in the shell and eat it after I'd finished all the nutmeats; I also used to chew fresh road tar.

Lots of people would have agreed that I was a psychopath.

A possible mechanism occurs to me, but it's not that interesting.
posted by jamjam at 5:15 PM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

What irritates me about Godiva particularly is the look-I'm-fancy packaging. It's a hamburger pretending to be a gourmet steak. Hershey's indeed, but dressed up in blinged out Golden Ticket Willy Wonka-esque boxes.

Now, Trader Joe's Pound Plus bars - cheap, but I think they are actually Belgian - so, so much better.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 5:40 PM on November 1, 2017

Man, this article sure walked across a lot of lawns.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:09 PM on November 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

I like dark chocolate. Lindt 70% is dark enough to feel virtuous.

But you cannot beat a Cadbury's Furry Friend. Each weighs just half an ounce / 15g. It is a perfectly proportioned rectangle, with a raised border, encased first in silver, then in that glorious purple paper and finally adorned with a picture of an Australian animal. It is the world's ultimate chocolate experience. If Tolkien's elves ate chocolate, it'd be Furry Friends.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 7:42 PM on November 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Anything tastes good when it's 80% sugar (or, more likely, HFCS), stop being a bunch of wusses and train yourself to appreciate good dark chocolate.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:33 PM on November 1, 2017

Man, this article sure walked across a lot of lawns.

I would say it's more like a dog that absentmindedly wanders onto a lawn and takes a big runny shit in the middle of it. Irritating, but what else can you expect.
posted by codacorolla at 8:53 PM on November 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I wished I liked dark chocolate better because people do kind of shame you for preferring milk. I like Dove's dark chocolate and some exotic types I tried in Hawaii, but overall I'm like "this just isn't as good, and kind of bitter sucks." So I like this article for that reason.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:13 PM on November 1, 2017

Whatever chocolate type you don’t like I will eat it

Unless it’s white

Or has palm oil in it

Or has some kind of hydrogenated component to it

I mean actually can I send you guys my list of food allergies that might just be easiest
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:50 PM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Read this while having a mug of milk chocolate ice cream striped with dark chocolate fudge because I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.
posted by EatTheWeek at 2:00 AM on November 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

I will make this one and only concession to cheapo corner store dark chocolate: Milky Way Midnights are the shit.
posted by duffell at 5:06 AM on November 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

Well, let's ask science about it. Professor Julius Sumner Miller wasn't wrong for all those years, was he?
posted by h00py at 5:11 AM on November 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

turbid dahlia: “Anything tastes good when it's 80% sugar (or, more likely, HFCS), stop being a bunch of wusses and train yourself to appreciate good dark chocolate.”

It's funny that even dark chocolate aficionados are often willing to admit that milk and white chocolate actually taste good, and that they apparently prefer dark chocolate mostly in order to avoid some perceived personal weakness.

For myself, I'm going to go on being a "wuss" and eating stuff that "tastes good," because eating stuff that tastes good is what eating is for.
posted by koeselitz at 9:28 AM on November 2, 2017 [6 favorites]

even dark chocolate aficionados are often willing to admit that milk and white chocolate actually taste good

yes, definitely!

and that they apparently prefer dark chocolate mostly in order to avoid some perceived personal weakness.

...bwer?
i like all three because all three are different things with different attributes enjoyable to me. i don't think that many people just pretend to like dark chocolate as part of some weird effort to score cultural capital points. it seems reasonable to assume that many of them are like me and genuinely like it because it is chocolate and it tastes good and it is fun to eat chocolate that tastes good.
posted by halation at 10:35 AM on November 2, 2017

halation - I don't think koeselitz is saying that you don't really like it - they are expressing confusion that turbid dahlia thinks we need to keep eating something if we don't like it.
posted by soelo at 3:03 PM on November 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

(I was really just talking about turbid dahlia's exhortation that those of us who like milk chocolate are "wusses" who should "train ourselves to appreciate good dark chocolate." I don't think tasting things should really require training. It's great if people like a lot of different flavors – I sure do – but seeing it as a personal failing not to, seeing eating as a kind of "training" to avoid the apparent indignity of being a "wuss," seems silly at best and problematic at worst. For the record: I enjoy dark chocolate, too. Even though I don't have any "training.")
posted by koeselitz at 9:48 AM on November 7, 2017

> I don't think tasting things should really require training.

Agreed. Train yourself to like leafy greens, but chocolate is candy. Even single-bean shade-couverture 300% cacao dark chocolate is candy. Eat it because you like it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:09 AM on November 7, 2017 [1 favorite]